04x10 - Do You Hear What I Hear

[bunniefuu]

It was Christmas time once again
for the people of Jessica Town.

The tree was felt and trimmed.

The widow Koko was baking her
famous gingerbread cookies.

Even the village playhouse was...

"Titanic"?!

Oh, uh, sorry.

I just can't wait for
"Titanic" to come out.

I've been a big Leo fan ever since

"What's Eating Gilbert Grape."

I really believed he was a...

Anyway, he was really good.

EVAN:
You should turn that extra train station

into an orphanage.

Why would I need an orphanage?

There are no unwanted
children in Jessica Town.

Thanks to my steady hand

and harsh, but fair, management style,

everything is perfect.

If only it were this easy

to whip a real neighborhood
into shape for Christmas.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Order! Order! Order!

Tensions run high this time of year,

but that's why the HOA

elected a Christmas
committee chairperson.

Jessica Huang, the floor is yours.

Lisa, I count plastic
reindeer on your roof,

including three Rudolph.

Lose some deer.

Amanda,
you bring store-bought to a cookie swap,

you go home empty-handed.

How could you even tell?

I can taste the laziness. We all can.

Deidre, jolly up your eggnog.

No one should have to
drink a quart of cream

to get a buzz.

What night is caroling?

You really want to carol again?

Remember what happened last year?

(OFF-KEY)
♪ A partridge in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the second day of Christmas ♪

♪ When I'm singing up here,
you all should sing ♪

- ♪ My true love gave to me ♪
- (DEEPER VOICE) ♪ Down here ♪

Christmas is not the
time for mediocrity.

Oh, actually, I have some great news.

My college roommate's
marriage is disintegrating,

so Holly's gonna stay
with us this Christmas.

She teaches performance and movement

at an art school,

and she's offered

to direct the caroling this year.

(ALL MURMUR)

Wow, good luck to Holly.

Maybe she can make some figgy pudding

out of a bunch of rotten figs!

What I'm saying is that
you're all real bad.

S E
Do You Hear What I Hear

♪ Fresh off the boat

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin'

♪ I'm fresh off the boat

Guess who booked passage

on the White Star Line's
ill-fated maiden voyage?

All aboard! (IMITATES FOGHORN)

(CHUCKLES)

I got tickets to the "Titanic" premiere!

Who's in?

Another period drama?

Remember how hard you tried to sell me

on "Remains of the Day"?

No, thanks.

Sorry, Dad.

I'm reading a book about the Titanic now

and don't want to spoil the ending.

I can't. I'm meeting Nicole for coffee.

I'm thinking of getting mine... iced.

Boys, this is an event.

Missing "Titanic" would be unthinkable.

(SIGHS)

Ma, do you want to see a movie?

A lot of people die.

_

hours and minutes.

(LAUGHS)

Ah, is that your Lao Ban Santa costume?

It's your Christmas tradition.

So, any interest in seeing "Titanic"?

You do love others' misfortune.

Eh, if I wanted to watch
white people sink a boat,

I'd watch "Gilligan's Island."

Besides,
I have my own disaster to deal with.

Oh, come on. Your hair looks great.

I was talking about caroling.

Oh.

♪ Eight maids a milking ♪

♪ Seven swans a swimming ♪

♪ Six geese a laying ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds ♪

♪ Three French hens ♪

♪ Two turtle doves ♪

♪ And a partridge in a pear ♪

♪ Tree ♪

HOLLY: Great job!

Guys, you put me down on
"pear" instead of "tree."

But, hey, that's why we rehearse.

Holly.

Jessica Huang... HOA Christmas chair.

That was amazing.

It's fun! So much positive energy.

Unlike my marriage.

Mm.

So, I was thinking this year,

we would sing at every house

and then end with a grand
finale in the cul-de-sac.

- I thought you didn't want to carol.
- I didn't,

until you flew in the Puerto
Rican Maria von Trapp.

A-Actually, my mom's Canadian,

and my father's Syrian-Jewish,

- but raised in Brazil.
- Mm.

Or maybe you're from Heaven,

because this is a Christmas miracle.

Aw, it's nothing.

The only challenge is,

is working with so many people.

So thin the herd.

Hold auditions

and cut the people who are not worthy.

Like her.

No, no!

We can make it work with everyone.

Come on, it's supposed to be fun.

It is a visual burden
for people who open doors

to see more than six singers.

I don't think that's true.

Make the cuts, Holly.

Snip-snip, Lisa.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(IMITATES FOGHORN)

Keep it moving, lady!

Louis?

Honey.

Uh, sorry about the foghorn sound.

I just excited for Leo.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

- Is Marvin here?
- No, he's not.

And would you mind not
telling him you saw me?

I promised I'd wait

till "Titanic" comes out on video

so we can watch it together at home.

He won't see it in the theater?

He was in the Navy,
and he's really worried

about watching a ship go down in public.

I hate going behind his back,

but I just couldn't wait.

I mean, missing "Titanic" would be

- unthinkable!
- Unthinkable!

- Oh!
- Ah!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Don't worry.

Unlike the supposedly
water-tight compartments

inside Titanic's hull,

my lips are sealed.

(CHUCKLES)

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

Why'd you pick this place?

It's way outside my
preferred bike radius.

What? They have great coffee.

The beans are, like,
extra roasted or whatever.

Also...

Jackie.

Who Jackie?

(THUMPING)

(GRUNTS) Blend, you piece of crap!

She doesn't take any guff from machines.

Cute, right?

I've been coming here
every day for two weeks,

and yesterday,

she started doing this.

A smiley.

I knew this day would come.

You need my help with a girl.

So, what do I do?

Uh, should I go say hi?

Nah, that'll seem desperate.

Just sit here and give off casual,
confident vibes.

You know, laugh a little,

but not too much because
she'll think we're together.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, see? That's too much.

If you want to sit,
you have to order a drink.

Store policy.

Spot me some cash?

Sorry. I'm broke.

So,
I hear Cupid dipped his arrow in coffee

and struck someone square in the ol'
pumper.

Yeah, yeah. You bring your wallet?

EVAN: ♪ I really need you tonight ♪

♪ Forever's gonna start tonight ♪

♪ Forever's gonna start to ♪

♪ Once upon a time,
I was falling in love ♪

♪ Now I'm only falling apart

♪ There's nothing I can do

♪ A total eclipse of the heart ♪

(APPLAUSE)

Bonnie Tyler takes it out of me!

Next... Uh, Jessica Huang.

(SIGHS)

Get ready to feel.

I didn't bring any Kleenex,

so when the tears come,

just use your sleeves.

(PLAYS "MY HEART WILL GO ON"
ON RECORDER)

♪ Every night in my dreams ♪

♪ I see you, I feel you ♪

♪ That is how I know you ♪

♪ Go on ♪

♪ Near, far ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ I believe that the heart does ♪

♪ Go on ♪

♪ We'll stay ♪

♪ Forever this way ♪

♪ You are safe in my heart ♪

♪ And my heart will ♪

♪ Go on and on ♪

Merry Christmas to all.

All right,
let me first start off by saying

you all were so great.

I really wish the human eye

could process more than
six people in a door frame,

but apparently it can't.

(ALL MURMURING) JESSICA: Ah.

Ah! Evan you made it!

Vocal rest. Respect.

There must be some mistake.

My name's not on the list.

I'm sorry. You didn't make the cut.

I didn't make the cut?
But I hit three octaves!

Did you hear me ascend the ladder?

I climbed up over Celine.

I stepped on the shoulders of
that French-Canadian angel,

and I kissed the heavens!

Jessica, you're a wonderful singer.

It's just that you're
lacking a little...

Christmas spirit.

Christmas spirit?

I've seen how you treat
your sister carolers.

You kept yelling "No"
during Amanda's audition,

you slept through Lisa's,

and pretended to hang yourself

while Deidre was singing.

I was kidding.

Hey,
doesn't anyone like to laugh anymore?

That kind of negative
energy is toxic in a group.

Just look what happened to Oasis!

So, they're steaming
across the North Atlantic,

- everything's going great.
- MARVIN: Louis.

Hey, Marvin! What brings you by?

So, I'm hiding Honey's Christmas gift,

which is something we do every year...

You know, it preserves

the magic and the
wonder of the season...

When I find this ticket stub...

for a major motion picture.

Oh.

Now, I know it couldn't be Nicole

because she was at a coffee shop.

And Honey told me that
she went to the gym,

but I found this...

in her purse... Goobers.

Honey hates the combo of
chocolate and peanuts.

That means she went to the movie

with somebody who was eating these!

Hmm, hmm, sounds like a dead end.

No, there's something going on, Lou.

She's been acting very strangely lately.

I need to stake out some movie theaters,

get to the bottom of this.

Or... don't.

Nah, I gotta go do this thing.

Coffee is great!

I feel like the show "Friends"

makes a lot more sense now.

I am super focused.

I've read three articles about hockey.

Hockey!

Cupdate!

Look what Jackie wrote.

A heart over the "I"?!

(GRUNTS)

I knew playing "hard to get"
would pay off!

- So what's my next move?
- I don't know!

Well,
how did you first connect with Alison?

We met playing piccolo.

Oh, right!
I knew it was doing something.

How can Holly say I don't
have Christmas spirit?

Of course, you have spirit, Mommy.

Everyone knows how much
you love Christmas.

Holly just met you.

She hasn't had a chance to see that.

Well, I'm off to rehearsal.

Holly's going to fine
tune my step and twists.

As if she could.

So, Marvin came by to tell me

he found your ticket stub
and a box of Goobers.

He thinks you've been acting strange

so he's staking out movie theaters.

Ugh.

He always makes some
excuse to stage a stakeout.

I think he just likes eating in his car.

He did order a couple quarts
of scalloped potatoes to go.

I feel kind of bad.

Maybe we should just tell him we saw
"Titanic."

I'll tell him after I give
him his Christmas gift.

I don't want to upset him.

Like in "Titanic" when Billy Zane

finds the nude sketch Jack drew of Rose.

I must've missed that scene
when I was in the restroom.

- Well, it was a great scene.
- Oh...

- They were all great.
- I know.

I have to admit,
I can't stop thinking about it.

Me neither.

("MY HEART WILL GO ON" PLAYS)

- We can't go see it again.
- No way. No.

I mean, not with Marvin
staking out the theaters.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

Perfect. No one will notice us.

Whoo! (ROLLS TONGUE)

Oh, wow.

I know what you need to do, Nicole.

So, every couple has a
special love language, right?

Right. For Eddie and Alison,
that language was woodwinds.

(IMITATES FLUTE PLAYING)

For Nicole and Jackie,
that language is coffee cups.

Here's Alison's cup.

No smiley face in her "O,"
No heart atop her "I."

You want to communicate with Jackie?

You speak through these.

My boy done cracked this thing!

I'm gonna go grab some coffee cups

so we can workshop the perfect message.

Do you really need a move?

Why not just go up and say "Hi"?

(LAUGHS) Alison, please.

When Nicole needs help dumping her,
we'll come to you.

Whoa. I don't know why I said that.

Sorry. That was the java talking.

It's fine. I've never been happier.

It's crazy, I know,

but I thought maybe they
wouldn't sink this time.

Well, you did your part

by yelling "iceberg" at the screen.

MARVIN: Honey?

I'd been to five theaters

and starting to think I was crazy,

but then, here you are,

wearing your "Little Orphan Annie" wig

in the company of some strange,
old woman.

Are you the Goober queen?

Louis?

We just wanted to see "Titanic."

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I know I promised you I'd wait,

but I couldn't help myself.

You mean you've been doing
all this sneaking around

just to see some silly boat movie?

- Yes.
- It's more of a ship, really.

Must be some kind of picture

for you to go through all
this just to see it again.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) It's an amazing movie.

Maybe seeing a boat go down in public

won't be so bad if my
wife and my best friend

are with me.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, we just missed the : .

Oh, well, luckily, it's playing again

at : , : , : ,

: , : ...

(SIGHS)

Where the "H" is Holly?

It's show time!

JESSICA: Tidings!

You all look so nice.

We ready to do this?

Uh, you didn't make the cut.

Does Holly know you're here?

Oh, I fired her.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord has come ♪

♪ Let Earth... ♪

♪ Repeat. repeat the sounding joy ♪

(CLAPS)

Bravo, Mrs. Huang.

A very merry Christmas to you.

What do you mean you fired Holly?

I took your advice,

and I went to go convince
her how much I love Christmas

when I realized I outrank her.

Who is she to say who
can and can't sing?

It's my committee,
and it's my Christmas.

I can't believe you did
that to her on Christmas!

I mean, even her dirtbag husband

had the decency to run off

the day after her birthday.

(SCOFFS)

Evan, we don't need them.

We can carol on our own.

Sorry,
but I don't feel like singing with you.

I guess I was wrong.

You don't have Christmas sprit.

I think you're being too critical.

You definitely are.

I'm sorry, but the nautical mistakes

took me right out of it.

When a vessel that size breaks apart,

she makes a hell of a lot more noise.

Hell of a lot more.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Mm. I'll get it.

All right.

JESSICA: ♪ Hark how the bells,
sweet silver bells ♪

♪ All seem to say,
throw cares away ♪

♪ Christmas is here
bringing good cheer ♪

♪ To young and old,
meek and the bold ♪

♪ Ding, ding, ding, dong,
that is their song ♪

♪ With joyful ring, all caroling ♪

I k*lled Christmas.

But you love Christmas.

Who else sends everyone on the street

her own ornament?

Evan was so excited about caroling,

and I messed it up.

I ruined Christmas for my son.

MARVIN: Honey, look what I found

in the garage behind the absinthe.

"To Big Daddy, From Honey Poo"

- Marvin, let me...
- Who's Big Daddy?

You call me Boopsy,
Mr. Muffin, and Fish Stick.

Never Big Daddy.

I knew you were hiding something.

Open the gift.

A satellite image of a hurricane?

Your sidecar is a weatherman?

It's a sonogram.

I'm pregnant.

I'm Big Daddy?

You will be.

(BOTH LAUGH)

We're gonna have a baby, Honey Poo!

(LAUGHTER)

- Congratulations.
- Congratulations.

Is this my Lao Ban suit?

Later, later.

(LAUGHS)

This was supposed to be

your Christmas gift, Fish Stick.

Yeah...

I'm so happy for you!

I've been dying to tell you.

So exciting!

I'm not gonna lie, I am really nervous,

but I am so thankful
you'll be here to help me.

Right, to help you ruin
Christmas for your baby.

I'm great at that.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

I know you'll figure out a way

to make things right with Evan.

You are a great mother.

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

Nicole, we got it!

This is the message you
should give to Jackie.

"What up, girl, you gay?

You play any instruments?

Holla back at me."

- Confident, cool...
- And a haiku.

It's time.

Take that cup and give it to her.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Hi.

Hey.

Anything I can help you with?

Yeah.

I have something to give you.

My coffee order.

- No!
- My words!

(SIGHS) This must be what it's like

watching your kid strikeout in baseball.

I wussed out and ordered a coffee.

No smiley face.

No heart.

I blew it, guys.

Did you?

(CHUCKLES) Turn the cup around!

- Digits!
- Yes!

EDDIE: We did it!

(BOTH LAUGH)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Evan.

I made you something.

Everyone should have a part
in celebrating Christmas,

inside Jessica Town and out.

I'm sorry I ruined caroling.

I just love Christmas so much,

and I wanted it to be perfect.

Christmas isn't about being perfect.

It's about everyone being together.

Yes, it is.

I'm gonna put this in Jessica Town

next to Menthol Reds National Forest

where Grandma hides her cigarettes.

Yeah, Jessica'll do that to you.

I once ate a pound of gummy worms

because she criticized
the way I walked...

"Like a hooker?"

Yeah, well, you don't move that great.

It might the shoes you're wearing.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

JESSICA: Holly.

I never should've asked you to make cuts

or fired you for making such a dumb one.

And we're lucky to have
you this Christmas.

I know it's late...

but would you join the
HOA carolers tonight?

This time, the whole herd?

You know, I'm gonna do something

my husband never could...

Admit I was wrong.

You definitely have the
Christmas spirit, Jessica.

- Come here. Come here.
- Aww!

You should never admit
that you're wrong, okay?

Never admit that you're wrong.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

♪ Good tidings we bring ♪

♪ To you and your kin ♪

♪ Good tidings for Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year


(APPLAUSE)