04x14 - A Man to Share the Night With

[bunniefuu]

[GASPS]

Oh, my God, it's happened!

They found Tupac!

No, Eddie, you're... shaving.

Oh. Yeah.

Some girls at school started calling me
"Cheech,"

so I figured it was time to...

"Yours is the Earth and
everything that's in it.

And, which is more,
you'll be a man, my son."

[WHISPERING] Rudyard Kipling.

- Dad, what are you...
- Shh. I'm hugging you.

Why?

[NORMAL VOICE] Because today is the day

you stop being a boy
and start being a man.

♪ Yeah ♪

Take a lip.

When your mom and I found out
we were having a baby boy,

you know the first thing I did?

Cried in the car
listening to James Taylor.

Mom already told me.

No, I drove to the drugstore
and bought two things...

A roll of celebratory Mentos for myself

and a Gillette Atra Plus for you.

Eddie, I've kept that razor
in my closet for years

waiting for the day you
would need to use it.

Today is that day!

Wow, Dad,
I guess this is a big moment for me.

I'm glad you're here for it.

Me, too.

I'll go get your Atra.

And, uh,
let's put this where it belongs.

[CHUCKLES]

_

Nah. He's so happy.

I'm gonna let him have this.

_

S E
A Man to Share the Night With

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[CROWD CHEERING] Spectacular.

ANNOUNCER:
And at the end of the first night

of the Women's Figure Skating event,

it's Michelle Kwan first,
Tara Lipinski second.

- Ohh, yes!
- Yes! Yes!

See, boys,
it's just like I'm always telling you...

If you work hard, sacrifice everything,

and look good in a tight bun,
you can't lose.

Michelle Kwan is the proof.

Really, Mom? Lipinski?

Tara Lipinski is too
busy flirting with boys

and wiping tater-tot
grease on her leotard.

I mean, look at her face.

Does that look like the
face of a winner to you?

No.

EVAN: Mommy's right.

Lipinski lacks the self-discipline

that's made Michelle Kwan a champion.

The gold is as good as hers.

Can we skip school tomorrow
and watch her win in real time?

No skipping school!

But I'll tape it,
and you can watch it when you get home.

Now it's bedtime.

You need to get your
rest so you can grow up

to be small and poised
like Michelle Kwan.

I heard she gets nine hours a night.

If we hurry, we can make it!

And after the : news,

it's
"The Late Show With David Letterman"!

Ha! All right!

Ohh, pass.

Louis,
you can stay up and watch that old man

and his piano gremlin,
but I'm going to bed.

You, too, Eddie. Bedtime.

Tonight Dave welcomes
supermodel Cindy Crawford.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Good night, Dad.

Uh, wait.

Why don't you stay up and
watch with me tonight?

But my bedtime's : .

Well, you're shaving. You're a man now.

Maybe it's time you had a man's bedtime.

From now on, you can stay up

for the first guest on "Letterman,"
until : .

I think you've earned
a little independence.

Whoa! Are you serious?

Men are always serious.

[CHUCKLES] Being a man is awesome.

Do you think Dave will ask
Cindy Crawford about her mole?

He might, son. He just might.

And then Letterman asked
Cindy Crawford about her mole.

Whoa!

I can't believe your dad
let you stay up till : .

I wonder when my dad goes to sleep...

or where.

My dad makes me go to
bed halfway through

"Walker, Texas Ranger."

And that's on a Saturday!

So you never find out if
Walker catches the bad guy?

It's Walker, Brian!
He catches the bad guy!

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[GROANS]

Finally.

I have been waiting for someone else

to have a late bedtime forever.

- What's your bedtime?
- Don't have one.

My mom works the night shift
at the Cheesecake Factory,

so I just go to bed
whenever I feel like it.

Also,
if somebody sends their cheesecake back,

my mom brings it home,
and we eat it for breakfast.

Cool!

So, what do you do all night?

I ride my bike around the outdoor mall

and eat the stale doughnuts

Donut King throws away at closing.

Hold up. You're telling me
I've been sleeping through

free doughnuts this whole time?!

Doughnuts, bagels.

Sometimes you just get
a whole vat of glaze.

ANNOUNCER: In a stunning upset,

Tara Lipinski leaps over
Michelle Kwan to win the gold!

Michelle Kwan... lost.

_

_

How could this happen?

She was supposed to win!

How could she not win?!

She did everything right!

_

Evan and Emery believe in
Michelle Kwan the winner.

If they find out that
they can work that hard

and still come in second,
they'll never work hard again.

_

You know, that's a really good idea.

I do control what they watch.

So if I don't want them to know,
then they won't know.

We're ready to watch the...

[SCREAMS]

What happened to the tape?

Technical difficulties.

A mouse was living inside the VCR

and it ate the tape and then it d*ed.

Was it a boy mouse or a girl mouse?

Who cares?! How did Michelle do?

She won!

- Yes!
- Yes!

Whoo! She did it!

- I knew she could!
- Whoo!

Hey, Eddie.

Which popcorn do you want for
"Letterman"?

Butter or movie theater butter?

Eddie?

Okay, top reasons you
should answer your father.

Number ...

_

_

_

[DOOR CLOSES] Where were you?

Oh, out with Dave.

On a school night? Are you crazy?

What were the two of you doing?

Nothing. Just hanging out.

Oh, she's gorgeous.

Where do you think she's
getting ready to go?

Dancing, probably.

Classic girls like that
are always going dancing.

I wish I had a girl like that.

That's not a girl.

That's a woman.

"Just hanging out"?

It's almost midnight.

Well, you said my bedtime was : .

It's : . I still have five minutes.

No, I said you could stay up

to watch the first guest on "Letterman,"

not run around the streets

doing God knows what with your friends.

But you said I'd earned
a little independence.

This is not what I meant.

Well, I hope whatever you
were doing was worth it

because you missed Dave
interviewing Andie MacDowell.

So? I'll just watch it tomorrow.

Andie MacDowell is not
going to be on tomorrow.

I don't care about Andie MacDowell!

Clearly we're both tired and
saying things we don't mean.

Let's just go to bed,

and we'll talk about
this in the morning.

No!

We will not talk about
this in the morning

because I didn't do anything wrong!

You can't talk to me like that.

Why not? You said I'm a man, remember?

Maybe it's time you started
treating me like one.

Oh, this is interesting.

Michelle Kwan tried to start a band.

Third Eye Kwan?

That's in this book, too.

She's so talented.

I just wish the TV and
the VCR weren't broken

so we could watch a
replay of her winning.

I can't believe we
still haven't seen it.

It's also unfortunate that all
the newspapers on the street

have been stolen by a news thief.

USA! USA!

[LAUGHS]

Can you guys believe she won gold?!

It's exciting, right?

I know. Michelle Kwan's our hero.

Michelle Kwan? No.

Tara Lipinski won gold.

[CHUCKLES] Michelle Kwan came in second.

That's why they're doing a special

on Lipinski cuts at the mall.

No, Honey. Michelle Kwan won.
Right, Mom?

Boys... [SIGHS]

The truth is...

Michelle Kwan didn't win.

[GASPS]

Because that wasn't
the real Michelle Kwan!

- [GASPS]
- What?

The real Michelle Kwan has
been replaced by an imposter!

- What?
- Think about it.

She trains hard her whole life.

She wins the world championships.

Then she goes to the Olympics
and comes in second place?

It doesn't add up.

Has "Lipinski" written all over it.

The point is the fake Kwan lost.

The real Kwan will always be the best.

Let's never speak of this again.

I can't believe it.

A fake Michelle Kwan.

- What do we do?
- What would Michelle do?

Use her focus and determination
to get to the bottom of it?

Then we will, too.

We'll be like Woodward and Bernstein.

Or Chip 'n Dale!

Do you think Jessica's coming back?

He missed Andie MacDowell, huh?

- [SIGHS]
- She's a ruddy-cheeked delight.

And he wouldn't apologize!

[GROANS] I don't know what's
gotten into him lately.

Sure, he and Jessica clash a lot,

but Eddie and I have always been pals.

He's never been so openly
defiant to me before.

How old's the boy? ? ?

He's , Marvin.

Ah, .

Then that explains it.

It does?

Classic male adolescent
elephant power vacuum.

- Huh?
- Follow me, Lou.

There's something you need to see.

Now we're cooking with Crisco! [LAUGHS]

Ah! I was stationed in Africa,

overseeing the
construction of the railway

from Mombasa to Kisumu.

The railway?

How old are you?

Old enough to know what
you're going through.

Look.

Adolescent male elephants.

Now, see, when the herd lacks
a strong older male presence,

the young males become unruly
and defiant, even violent.

See... See them shaking
their heads and trumpeting?

That means they're angry.

Why didn't you run away?
They could have trampled you.

Because running away is what they want,

and it's the worst thing you can do.

He's so used to getting his own way

that when you show confidence
and stand your own ground,

he's surprised.

He'll back down.

Watch.

- Wow. It worked.
- [LAUGHING] Yeah!

And it'll work for you and Eddie, too.

You've been too soft on that boy, Lou.

I don't know.

My dad was extremely tough
on me when I was Eddie's age,

and our relationship never recovered.

Eddie and I aren't like that.
We're friends.

Okay, so maybe your dad
wasn't your best friend,

but look how you turned out.

You're a very successful
small-business owner

with your own home, great family.

Fathers can't be
friends with their sons.

Not if they want them to grow
up to be responsible adults.

So, what do I do?

Well,
you have to be the angry bull elephant.

Only discipline can bring
the herd back together.

What's going on?

We did some research at the library

on your Kwan-impostor theory.

Okay, look, I was just...

And you were absolutely right!

Emery, let's bring her up to speed.

Michelle Kwan wins the
world championships

with perfect . s,

leaving one judge in tears.

She's the favorite for the gold
medal in the Winter Olympics.

Then things start getting fishy.

She arrives in Japan but
processes through Tokyo

instead of Osaka with
all the other athletes.

Right, yeah. That's... That's weird.

Nobody sees Michelle Kwan
at the Olympic Village

because... get this...
She's staying "off site."

Next, she misses the Opening Ceremony.

She works her whole life
to get to the Olympics

and then doesn't go to
the Opening Ceremony?

It doesn't add up.

No, it doesn't, actually.

The night before the event,
nobody sees Michelle Kwan.

Where's Tara Lipinski,
on the other hand?

In bed getting a full eight hours?

With Wayne Gretzky and the
Canadian Ice Hokey team

eating ice cream!

Like she knew she couldn't lose.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

And Michelle Kwan was photographed

at her hotel at : a.m.,

minutes before she was
seen at the Olympic arena...

A distance of miles.

So?

So, I just drove from here

to the Sea World parking
lot as fast as I could.

It's exactly miles.

It took me way longer than minutes,

and I didn't even stop for red lights.

Rearrange the letters in
"Tara Lipinski,"

and what do you get?

Tarantula Kiss!

Rink Alias?!

It's like she's daring us to catch her.

Michelle Kwan really was
replaced by an imposter.

Unfortunately, it's just a theory.

Nobody knows for sure.

Actually, I know someone who might.

I used to do makeup for

the Broadway on Ice production of
"Cats" years ago,

and there is one figure skater who knows

everything that goes on
with everyone in that world.

If something fishy happened in Nagano,

she'll know about it.

Okay, so it's : now.

I figure we head to the
outdoor mall for an hour or so

and then ride our bikes from the
Big Dog outlet to the Wet Seal.

I have a better idea.

We steal her.

- Who?
- Her. The girl from the window.

The mannequin?

It hit me the other night.

What if the place she's
been getting ready to go

all this time is my house?

I don't know, Dave.

That's, like, breaking and entering.

So? It'll be fun!

You said you'd love to
have a girl like her.

Remember? You said it.

Come on, Eddie. Say you'll help me.

Come on. Say it.

- I don't know.
- Say it!

Uh, sure. Sounds like fun.

Great.

Now let's listen to a little
GWAR to pump ourselves up.

[GWAR MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY]

[MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES]

Discipline will bring
the herd back together.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Not cool, Dave. My parents are asleep.

Eddie, you may be taller than me now,
slightly,

but I am still your father.

And when you go out,

I want to know where you're going,

who you're with,
and when you'll be back.

No more doing whatever you want,

and no more talking back, either.

Otherwise, you won't be going anywhere.

Do we understand each other?

Screw... you!

[GASPS]

That's it, Eddie. You're grounded!

- I think I'm gonna go.
- Good idea.

I don't know what's
gotten into you lately,

but this behavior stops now.

I thought we could get
through this as friends,

but clearly I was wrong.

So from now on,
we do things the hard way.

No more TV. No more video games!

Thanks, Dad.

What are you doing?!

I'm hugging you.

Why?

I knew that if I talked
back to you like that,

you'd be so shocked you'd ground me,

and I wouldn't have to help
Dave steal that sexy mannequin.

Help Dave do what?

It was his idea to steal it,
and it's crazy.

I didn't want to do it.

But I-I didn't know how to tell him.

He's been... intense lately.

[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS]

Hey, you want to see something cool?

Sure. [MUSIC STOPS]

I'm gonna bust open
this Stretch Armstrong

with a baseball bat.

Um...

[SCREAMS]

No, you don't have a dad!

So, you're not the adolescent elephant.

Dave is.

Dad, you're all over the place.

What do you mean?

First,
you made a big deal out of me shaving.

Then you let me stay up later.

Then you got mad at me
for staying up later.

And now you're talking about elephants.

I'm sorry.

I was just excited for
you to become a man

because I thought that would mean

us spending more time together.

Then you decided to
spend your extra hour

with Dave instead of me.

So you're upset because
I didn't stay home

and watch "Letterman" with you.

Look, I just don't want us to grow apart

because that's what
happened with me and my dad.

Just because I want to
do something on my own

doesn't mean I don't still need you,
Dad.

You and I are friends.

I'm always gonna need that.

[CHUCKLES]

Wait, you and Dave haven't
stolen anything else, have you?

No way!

I know a good idea from a bad one.

I'm lucky to have you around
to teach me stuff like that.

Not everyone's that lucky.

So, whatcha waitin' for, Chief?
[GIGGLES]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

LOUIS: Stop!

[GARBLED] Yeah. Stop.

Now, why don't you put the brick down,
Dave,

and we can talk about this?

MARVIN: He's so used to getting his way

that when he sees you showing confidence

and standing your ground,
he'll back down.

Dave, you cut this behavior
out right this minute.

Do you hear me?

I'm going to give you
to the count of three

to put the brick down and to
step away from the mannequin.

One...

Two...

Whoa. Good work, Dad.

Grab that brick. We need a doorstop.

Uh, okay.

Go. Go.

JESSICA: Excuse me.

Excuse me. Out of the way.

Coming through.

Oh!

Hello, Nancy Kerrigan.

Thanks for the enthusiasm.

It's nice to meet you.
Who can I make this out to?

Is it true Tara Lipinski
replaced Michelle Kwan

with an impostor so she
could steal the gold?

Uh, well, that's quite a lot.

How about, "Believe in yourself"?

What we really need, Nancy, is answers.

Is it true?

What makes you think I know?

Because you're the hub of

the professional ice-skating world,
Kerrigan.

You know everything that goes on.

- Hi. Honey Ellis.
- Hi.

I did your makeup when you played

Grizabella the Glamour
Cat in Broadway on Ice.

- Big fan.
- Oh, right.

Weren't you dating one of
the lighting technicians?

Yes! It didn't work out.

Of course it didn't. So, is it true?

Tell me what you think you know.

Tara Lipinski replaced
the real Michelle Kwan

with a slightly less
talented body double.

That's why the fake Michelle Kwan

flew into Tokyo, instead of Osaka.

That's why she missed
the Opening Ceremonies.

And that's why she was kept "off site."

Look, Michelle flew into Tokyo

because her pen pal Gabby lives there

and offered to drive
her from the airport.

Also, flights are way
cheaper if she left mid-week,

and if you know Michelle,
she likes a bargain.

So that's why she missed
the Opening Ceremonies.

Also,
she didn't stay in the Olympic Village

because the Men's Ice Hockey
team throws really loud parties,

and that's why she got a hotel.

But what about getting from
the hotel to the Olympic arena?

- Mm-hmm.
- She was photographed at the hotel

minutes before her event.

There's no way she could
make it in minutes.

That wasn't Michelle at
the hotel that morning.

That was her sister, Karen.

They look alike.

Michelle didn't even stay at the hotel

the night before the event.

She didn't? Where did she stay?

Where she always stays the
night before a big event...

On the ice.

- Oh!
- Oh...

That's what I would do.

But that couldn't have been
the real Michelle Kwan.

But it was.

Michelle Kwan trained her
whole life to win gold.

She sacrificed everything.

How could she possibly
come in second place?

Sometimes life isn't fair.

Believe me. I know all about that.

And crazy conspiracies.

You can work really hard,
do everything right,

and sometimes life just
throws you a Lipinski.

You just have to pick yourself
back up and keep on skating.

Thanks for coming out.

Appreciate it.

I like your Kerribun.

Oh, it's not... It... Thank you.

Jessica, are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Everything I know...

Everything I've taught my children...

My whole worldview is wrong.

[GASPS] Wait. Mommy, look!

So Tara Lipinski did replace
Michelle Kwan with an impostor!

I knew it!

There's no way somebody
who works that hard

comes in second place.

It just isn't possible.

You know, your Sharpie is
slightly thinner than hers.

It worked, didn't it?

The truth that Michelle
Kwan did everything right

and still lost would crush mom.

She needs to believe.

You know what, you go ahead.

I'm gonna stick around for this.

Hmm.

ANNOUNCER: Tonight,
Dave welcomes the cast of "Baywatch."

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I'm gonna go grab a soda.

Uh, no soda after : p.m.

Okay, Mr. Huang.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, how about, just for tonight,

I let you boys stay up to
watch the musical guest?

With musical guest Paula Cole!

Nah, we're good.