01x02 - The Casino

[bunniefuu]

Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... Shoe!

Who is the Masked Man?

He is an NPC, or a Non-Playable Character for all you noobs out there, all right?

He's got a dope mask. He's rockin' all black.

He's got silver accents. He's a loot giver.

Yes! A firesword! And a loot taker.

Oh, man, he took my shield.

But, you know, when he first came out, Pootie was all like, "I love this dude," because everyone did.

MQ totally hyped him up. I mean, he was in ads.

Who is the Masked Man? Pre-order now.

He was on T-shirts.

Whoa! "Who is the Masked Man?"

But then they never unmasked the Masked Man, you guys.

I mean, even when we asked it repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly.

One day his identity will be revealed, and it will blow you away.

He's comin', he's comin', he's comin'.

A little bit later than originally anticipated, but he's comin'.

I just need you to just calm down a bit and be patient, okay?

I'm not-- Stop asking about the Masked Man. Just stop asking about it.

You know, now is not-- now is not the time.

Just stop, all right? You can... just stop.

Till MQ comes up with some answers, some real, solid stuff, we're gonna be here, waiting.

The mystery continues.

Pootie... Shoe!

And there it is.

Pootie Shoe is a 14-year-old boy. Who cares what he thinks?

Yeah, he's a real piece of sh*t, but he's not wrong.

He's a bully, and he needs to be dealt with.

-Jo, please. -Dealt with?

Ian, your judgment is not to be questioned, not by Pootie, not by anyone else.

-Jo. -Poppy, David, shut up.

Jo, your instincts on me are dead-on. I love your enthusiasm.

Guys, I'm not sweating this.

Okay, Ian, C.W., it is time to unmask the Masked Man.

Okay, it's gonna be a huge event.

The kind of event you might see at the grand opening of...

...the casino.

No. The casino is an abomination.

Okay, yeah, it's garbage. But you guys wouldn't work on it, so I had to farm it out to a studio in Bucharest.

We wouldn't work on it because it's an artless money grab that has no connection to the game.

Okay, well, this is a great opportunity to unify. Right?

Spruce it up. Make it fit. The perfect fusion of art and commerce.

Brad, you know what? In a lot of ways, you are the casino.

A soulless money-suck in the middle of an enchanted forest.

We don't need that. And we don't need you.

Okay.

Well, that was super weird. David, anything else?

Look, guys. You know I back creative.

-It's kind of my bag. -No, it's not.

-Your bag is being a soy boy beta cuck. -That's it.

That's-- A soy boy beta cuck? What is that?

I'll explain it to you later.

Is that a good thing?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, good.

Look, but maybe Brad has a point. All right?

It's been two years. Maybe it's time to reveal the Masked Man's identity.

No. No, I don't think now's the right time.

They're not revealing it because they don't know.

We settled on his identity years ago.

Look, guys, it's just not the right time to reveal it.

When it is, we will let you know.

Now, can we please just get back to work?

-You think they bought it? -I don't know.

But, damn, I made a big deal out of this stupid thing.

Yeah.

We better figure out who the Masked Man is fast or we are f*cked.

Bad news, dude.

Brad just told me that we have to log all of the bugs in the casino ASAP.

What? He told us to stay away from the casino because it's so janky.

I guess they're planning some big event there now.

sh*t. That's gonna take all night. I had plans.

You know what? It's been a long week. I'll cover for you.

-No, you don't have to cover for me. -Yeah. It's all good, man. I got you.

Thanks, Rache.

Sure. That's what friends are for, right?

Wow.

I should spend more time in your office. It's super weird.

Every book you've ever written is here.

The Cape of No Hope. The Fall of Hrad. Saturn's Desire.

This was my favorite when I was a kid. I will never forget the elven temptress.

Nor I.

She was based on a lover I took in Morocco.

Ironically, the proceeds from the book were used to pay for the medical bills I incurred from the encounter.

-Gross. -Yeah.

Let's get to work, shall we?

-Yes. -Yes.

Yes! Now.

Who are you?

Obviously, when he takes off the mask, it must be emotional or no one will care.

Right. Right.

And the fact that he's both a loot taker and a loot giver, there's something interesting there.

-Ian. -Not now, Jo. We're working.

Got it. FYI, we're in business.

Pootie's pissed. He's definitely not chill.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. What? What's he saying?

Here, check it out.

You guys know I'm all about the positivity, but I recently got some serious hate from MQ, and I'm just wondering why-- why they would hate on me when I play their game, like, 24-7.

You know what they say, "The fish stinks from the head down", right?

So, Ian, I mean, I just asked who the Masked Man was.

Just 'cause you don't know the answer, you don't have to come at me for it.

-Pootie's gonna ponder this. -Pootie ponders.

Boycott MQ?

Not something I would have considered, but circumstances have changed.

-What the hell did you say to him? -I sent him a funny meme.

It says, "Make everyone's day. k*ll yo--"

Yeah, I see what it says, Jo. Thank you.

Why? Why would you send this to a 14-year-old boy?

It works. I used it on my bully, Shannon, in high school.

She didn't commit su1c1de, but she tried.

Yeah, Jo, in that scenario, I don't think Shannon was the bully.

-Shannon was the bully. -She was the victim.

-No, Shannon was the bully. -Shannon was the victim.

I went over to her house before sixth grade. She asked me to play with Barbies.

I told her it was for babies, and the next day I got to school and told everyone she queefs.

In that scenario, how are you-- Okay. All right. You know, it doesn't matter.

Jo, can you just leave it alone? Please just leave it alone.

I've upset you. I'm so sorry.

I can fix this. I promise. Just give me another sh*t.

Okay, fine. Do you think you can just de-escalate?

And, Jo, Jo, Jo. Let's cool it with the su1c1de. Okay?

He's gonna make his own decisions here.

No, no, no. No. No. No. Let's...

Let's stay away from the su1c1de, all right?

You can't really make anyone do anything.

Yeah, but we-- we could maybe endeavor to not push him into it.

I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do, and he's gonna do what he's gonna do.

No, you're gonna do what I tell you to do. Okay?

Fine.

If I could just harness her power for good, I think we might be in business.

Forget about her.

Focus on this and we shall silence Pootie... and his cuties.

And dudies.

Let us work.

Yeah.

Hey. We might have a problem.

Yeah, I came back, and it was all gone.

I mean, you think he's a fugitive? He could be on the lam.

People don't take their desks on the lam.

He's obviously just trying to make a point, to prove that we need him.

A day without Brad.

Damn. I just wish he had thought of this plan earlier.

Could have enjoyed it longer.

Oh, well, I'm going home.

What? No, wait. You can't leave.

-I mean, what are we gonna do about this? -Nothing.

He's a toddler throwing a tantrum. Just ignore it. It'll blow over.

But, Poppy, we cannot afford to piss Brad off.

Monetization is a very important revenue stream for us.

Well, you need to make up your mind, David.

Do you back suits or do you back creative?

Creative.

Great. Then I need you to be cool. Can you do that?

Yeah.

You look worried.

No. No, I'm not worried.

I was actually just thinking of something else. No, I'm...

No, I'm cool. You know?

What is this? What are you doing?

I'm just, like, hangin'. Yeah.

Okay. So you're gonna-- You're gonna be cool?

-Yeah. -Great.

You know me. I'm ice-cold, baby.

All right. I want you to go home.

-Yep. Cool. -Get some rest.

And all of this is gonna be okay in the morning.

All right, all right, all right.

Don't do that.

Cool.

Dude, the dice disappear when they hit the side of the craps table. New bug.

-Nice. -Janky.

Glasses?

Oh. Yeah. I only wear them at night. I know they're dorky.

No, I like 'em. I've just never seen you wear them before.

Yeah, my eyes get tired from staring at the screen all day.

And then I go home and play MQ some more.

Hold on. You, you play MQ after work?

Hell, yeah.

Me and my avatar, Toksvig? We tear it up between the hours of eight and midnight.

Come on, dude. That is so cute. I can't believe you keep playing.

Oh, it's almost midnight. Didn't you have somewhere to be?

Oh... yeah. No. We're good.

-Really? -Are you hungry?

I know where Poppy hides her ice-cream sandwiches that she stress-eats.

Yeah.

Wait. What if we get caught though?

Looks like we're the only ones here.

-Really good, right? -Yeah.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Boom, snap, pap, ba-boom, snap, pap.

Snap, boom, snap, pap, ba-boom, snap, pap.

Boom, snap, pap, ba-boom, snap, pap.

Snap, boom, snap, pap, ba-boom, snap, pap!

Yay!

Bit of a problem.

What is going on?

Brad's tantrum got a little worse.

Oh, my God. He shut down the store and made everything free?

Yeah, Sue called me this morning.

People are going apeshit, grabbing all the legendary loot boxes and OP weapons.

It's a free-for-all. Literally.

That's bad.

As we speak, thousands of super leveled-up players are churning through the new Raven's Banquet content like it's wet tissue paper.

-That's worse. That's worse. -Okay, don't panic. It's cool.

No, no. This is not cool.

This is a red-hot poker straight up my backdoor.

Okay. We can't cave to Brad.

This is hurting him worse than it's hurting us.

He loves money more than anything. Brad is gonna cave.

It took two years to build Raven's Banquet, and they're tearing through it.

Can't you just turn the prices back on?

Brad's the only one with financial access privileges.

I know. Okay. You know what? I think you just need to sit down.

Just sit down. Just sit down. Stop making that noise.

Just breathe. Just breathe for me. Just calm breathing. It's in and out.

Out.

And maybe take a breath mint.

Just breathe in that direction, 'cause your breath is not great.

This is what I'm gonna do, all right?

I'm gonna get my team to throw up some roadblocks.

We can increase boss fight difficulty, extend raids, nerf all the most powerful weapons.

Yeah, you just need to be cool. Can you do that? Can you be cool?

Give me a nonverbal signal that you're cool.

Hey, there's my guy! You got this.

Let's go to the coders' room.

Good. Yes, you're doing great. Just keep it cool.

-You don't need to be striding so much. -Yeah.

Announcement!

Michelle?

That's my name.

Where is everybody?

Brad sent them home.

He said without him, you don't have the money to pay for a full programming team, so they left.

This isn't gonna work. There's no way I can code that many roadblocks on my own.

Okay, so, this is the part where I'm gonna freak out.

-Don't freak out. -Well, what are we gonna do?

I guess right now you must be realizing that you need Brad.

-Shut up, Michelle! -Shut up, Michelle!

He paid me a thousand dollars to say that.

Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... exclusive.

So, since they won't unmask the Masked Man, I've been thinking, I'm going to unmask Ian Grimm.

So, who is Ian Grimm?

Well, according to his LinkedIn page, he's a "builder of worlds."

Whatever that means. And check out his thirsty profile pic.

Thirsty!

So at least we know he's desperate.

Oh, and a little known fact. He's also a destroyer of dads.

That is right. You heard it here first on the Pootie Scoop.

Ian Grimm sued his own dad! "Prove it, Pootie"? Okay, cutie.

Mr. Grimm, is it true that you told your father that you'd take every last cent he had?

I don't know. Is it true that I **** your mom?

Okay. Can you please answer the question and not be nasty?

That's what I said to your mom.

All right. This is getting exhausting.

Why don't we just take a five-minute break?

That's what your mom said.

What an assh*le.

Nips. Thanks for watching.

How did he find out about the lawsuit?

I leaked it to him.

Why? Why would you do that?

'Cause you sued your own dad. That's so badass.

If you would treat your own father like that, imagine what you're gonna do to a little piece of sh*t like Pootie.

Jo, I countersued my dad because he tried to take my company, all right?

-So he's the badass. -No, he's not a badass.

He's not a badass. I'm not a badass.

There is no badass in the situation, all right?

It's a very sad story of a father and a son. It's complicated.

Oh, no. I failed you.

I'm just gonna read my own meme and k*ll myself.

Jesus Christ! Jo, Jo, Jo.

Can we just stop talking about su1c1de?

Can we just-- Can we just stop for a second?

And why don't you go and serve David.

See, that would be the best way to serve me. Serve David.

-Poison? -Not poison.

Not poison.

Just anything he wants. Coffee, tea. Nonlethal.

Got it. Just make him sick so he can't get in your way.

Yeah. Jo, I--

I think we're gonna have to let her go.

No. Ian, the lunatic assistant may have just unlocked this whole thing.

She did?

She realizes the relationship between a parent and a child is what's emotionally investing.

She also wants to m*rder David.

Ian, this could be the emotional core we've been looking for.

The Masked Man is a story of a father and a son.

Interesting. Go on.

The father's a villain who represents the dark.

But he has a son. A new character.

And the son is the light.

They're destined to duel.

But before he slays him, the son brings the father from the dark back to the light.

And as he lay there dying, the mask is removed.

The Masked Man is the new hero's... father.

That is...

Star Wars.

-"Star Wars"? -Yeah. The movie?

Came out in the '70s. Like, one of the biggest ever?

Well, admittedly, the '70s were a bit of a blur, but it is ringing some bells.

Yeah, I'll bet. They've made, like, 20 of 'em. They're still making 'em.

-Really? Why? -Nobody knows.

Either way, it's a story that's been told, so we can't tell it again.

Why not? It's a monomyth trope.

It's been done for millennia.

The Odyssey. King Arthur. Anything Tolkien. It's the classics.

Right. It's The Hero with a Thousand Faces.

Yes.

The Masked Man is a villain. I like it.

Okay. But it still needs something, doesn't it?

We need something unique that unifies the story.

We need a Death Star.

A "Death Star."

What is that?

Okay. Let's go watch the movie first.

You know what? Let's watch the movie, and then we'll...

-Death Star? -Yeah, come to my office.

Who buys that?

Can you stop running?

He will not pick up! g*dd*mn it, Brad.

All right. Get in the car. We're going to his house.

-David? -Yeah?

-What the hell? -Forget to pay your parking tickets?

No. No. I paid my--

Oh, my God.

I bought this car with the bonus money we got from Brad's sexy wood nymph.

How the hell did he know that?

Maybe from the license plate?

"Nymph Daddy"? Really? You're the nymph daddy?

I was-- Look, never mind. Let's just take your car.

I don't have a car. I'll call us a Lyft.

You don't have a car? How do you not have a car?

You have 36 laptops and no car.

Can I just say, this is why you have trouble finding a man.

You know who didn't have trouble finding a man? Your ex-wife.

Sorry. That was really out of line. I'm sorry. That was--

-No, you're right. -No, it was--

Your tension is kind of getting to me. You-- You need to calm down.

If we turn up at Brad's all panicked, he's gonna think that he owns us.

He does own us.

sh*t. My account's been deactivated.

That's 'cause it's connected to the corporate card.

It's connected to the corporate card, you stupid, stupid girl!

-Woman. -Women own cars! All right.

So many stereotypes.

-All right. Let's go back in. -I don't know. Okay.

I don't care if we have to run to his house. We need Brad here now.

David, just calm down. I think that your blood sugar is running a little low.

We just need to have a little snack, and then we can talk through this rationally.

Where the f*ck are my ice-cream sandwiches?

-Poppy. -g*dd*mn it, Brad!

-I bought these with my own money! -Poppy.

When I find that son of a bitch, I am gonna end him!

He's right there.

Brad. Brad? Brad. We need you.

Listen, buddy, my ice-cream sandwiches are not for--

Poppy.

I'm sorry I called you a bottom-feeding corporate leech.

-I thought it was "soulless money-suck." -That too.

Look, Brad, please, can you just turn the prices back on?

-Yeah, yeah. I already did that. -You did? You caved?

No, no. Ian agreed to unmask the Masked Man at the casino, so I got everything I wanted.

Yeah. You see, C.W. and I figured out a way to unify everything.

The Masked Man is a villain who lives at a casino.

Yeah, and it makes sense because the Masked Man was a walking casino anyway.

You know, a loot giver, a loot taker.

Check this out.

"The Masked Man's Hall of Games and Chance."

We're also going to create a new character, the White Knight, who's destined to duel the Masked Man and eventually unmask him... at the casino.

See, the story brings the players in and the casino bleeds them dry.

Guys, it's the perfect fusion of art and commerce.

But, Ian, don't you hate Brad?

Hate him? Oh, yeah, I do hate him.

-Yeah, I feel nothing for him. -He's a sociopath.

But the money that he brings in makes the whole game actually run.

You get that, right?

-Yeah. -Yeah, duh.

-Yeah, of course. -Obviously.

-Yes. -No, we're cool. Yeah.

-To be clear, David, you are not cool. -No.

Well... yeah. Well, she said I was.

I lied to him.

Okay. Well, great.

So I guess you guys can spruce up the casino. There's a lot of bugs.

Testers found a whole bunch of 'em. So that will be fun for you.

Right. Well, that's her, not me. Hey, by the way, who is it?

The Masked Man. Who is he?

Oh, yeah. The Masked Man is the White Knight's father.

Like Star Wars.

It is a bit like Star Wars, yeah. I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

That was a crazy crunch, huh?

We logged, like, a hundred bugs last night.

Hey. We broke our personal record.

-Livin' the dream! -Yeah.

Well...

back to reality.

Yeah.

I'll go tell 'em we're done.

-Sweet. -Sweet.

Yeah.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

All right. Peace out, girl scout.