01x08 - Brendan

[bunniefuu]

Wow.

"Leave Mythic Quest."

Feels weird to even say.

Feels like I grew up here.

Sounds good, Poppy.

But I really just need to know your start date.

When are you giving your notice over there?

Yeah. Today. Now.

I'm just waiting for the right time.

You know, he's so volatile.

These narcissists, you're at their every whim.

They're up, they're down, they're left, they're right.

You never know where they're gonna land.

Well, the good news is that you won't have to deal with that much longer.

'Cause we're all about reliability and consistency here.

Great. Because I am done with the drama.

Ian, we need to talk. Where are you?

I'm over here.

I didn't see you there.

Sorry, what is this?

Nothing.

Just a man falling apart... before your very eyes.

Come on.

All right. Are you ready to put on a show, Wyld_D?

Brad, is it cool if I leave a little early today?

I know you don't like when I talk about my personal life, but all these long hours--

You're right. I don't like when you talk about your personal life.

Now, I need you to start pushing my new product.

It's called the Sword of Time. Have a seat.

Okay, it's this new chase item I'm putting into the game.

I'm gonna charge like 250 thou.

Are you kidding me? No one is gonna buy that.

No, they're probably not.

But it's a dragon that they can chase, and people need that.

Something just beyond their reach that gets 'em up in the morning.

Hey! Where my average peeps at?

Yo, Dana.

What up, Bradley?

Rocking the merch from the fight. I sold a sh*t ton of those.

I am embracing mediocrity.

You see, everyone loved that the Masked Man reveal was Pootie.

While I thought the story resolved with all the grace of a hobo sh1tting on a sidewalk.

Hot take.

But, alas, the public has spoken.

So, I shall go with the flow and be swept away on the riptide of mediocrity.

I mean, what do I know?

Fry?

Okay, he's going through something.

Big smiles, and we're rolling.

Oh, my God!

Wyld_D.

So, I'm really excited to be streaming with y'all today and to try out this new game that I got in the mail.

Which is from one of my sponsors.

Something's not right. She seems really upset.

Yeah.

'Kay. Let's go.

Can you not read facial expressions?

It's a key trait of psychopaths.

I'm not a psychopath, Lou.

Yeah, probably not. Psychopaths are generally charming.

I can just tell when something's bothering her, okay?

Pancakes are nice and fluffy.

Waffles, they can have a little crisp to it.

I gotta do something.

Cool, so what's the plan? You gonna lure her into the woods?

I am not a psychopath, Lou! Okay?

I am going to lure her out-- take her out and cheer her up.

Rachel, I'm sorry. Don't m*rder her.

Why'd I turn around?

Because you have feelings for me.

But I've made myself clear. They are not reciprocated.

Here we are. The open road.

It's the open road. The open-- You know, I'm just gonna turn this down!

Okay.

The open road.

So, where are we going?

Can't tell you, Pop. You just gotta trust me.

But just know that it's really important to me that you're here with me.

It's just something I've had to take care of for a long time.

Yeah.

Yeah, sometimes you have to take care of things before they get too big.

How long have we been working together now?

Like eight years?

I don't know. I don't really do calendars.

Sure, sure.

I guess what I'm saying is, life's funny, isn't it?

-No. -Okay.

Well, just let me finish my thought there.

It's crazy how long we've known each other.

I mean, I'm a completely different person now to the 19-year-old that you plucked from MIT.

And-- And sometimes, Ian--

You know my real name is "Ee-an"?

What?

"Ee-an" is my dad's name.

He is... not a good dude.

That's a cigarette burn I got for not turning the Nintendo off in time.

sh*t. That's terrible.

You have any experience with that?

No.

It's not great.

Anyway, one day I just decided I didn't want his name anymore.

So I started calling myself "Eye-an."

And that was that.

I've never told anybody that before.

Why are you telling me now?

I don't know.

Hey, Pop, I know that I don't always tell ya how much I value you, you know, and the work you do, but I'm gonna try harder.

I'm gonna try harder, I promise. I'm gonna do better.

Why, man? Why? Why now? Why?

Now's as good a time as any, isn't it?

Okay, this is not really going how I planned it.

There's the man of the hour.

Congrats, buddy.

We just made a quarter of a million dollars off that Sword of Time thingy.

What was it? Yeah.

That's impossible. I just pushed it live.

250 G's. Awesome.

You must be so excited.

Yeah, I should be. I mean, I am.

I'm not. I might puke.

Oh, my God, I just sold someone air for the price of a g*dd*mn house?

Okay, I need to sit down.

You-- You okay, buddy?

No. These Saudi princes and Silicon Valley douchebags will buy any piece of sh*t I put out there.

Which means my job is irrelevant.

What am I doing with my life?

I've been feeling the same way ever since Ian chose Poppy as his assistant over me.

Poppy is not Ian's assistant. Neither are you.

Well, you don't have to rub it in, David.

Okay. Listen.

As exec producer, it falls on me to help when my employees' morale is low.

Don't worry. I've handled this type of thing before to great effect.

Save for Teddy Villarreal from Digital Assets, who was gonna jump into that stone quarry no matter what.

So, anyway, let's dig in, and I will have you guys feeling better in no time.

Feel good? Questions?

-Yeah. -What happened to Teddy?

Well, exactly what you think happened.

-What? -Did they recover his body?

They recovered enough. No more questions about Teddy.

Any other questions about what we're gonna do?

Let's just keep going. Let's move.

Sweet! A diner. I could eat.

Pop, I'm gonna ask you to wait in the car.

I need to do this alone.

But you asked me to come with you.

Yeah. And you're doing an awesome job so far.

Okay. Sure, go ahead.

Okay.

Actually, can I just jump in and use the bathroom real quick?

No.

Okay.

Well, good luck with whatever it is you're doing.

Seriously, thank you... partner.

Okay... partner.

Hey, Dan Williams. It's Poppy here.

Again.

Look, my situation has changed.

Ian and I have come to an understanding, and things are gonna be different now.

Sorry, but if I'm being honest with myself, I think this is exactly where I need to be right now.

So, sorry.

Okay, bye.

Hello, Brendan.

Hello, Dad.

Now, any job worked over a long period of time can start to feel meaningless.

Which is why I came up with a system that breaks the workday down into a series of concrete tasks followed by concrete rewards.

I like to reward myself with a little something that makes me happy.

A cookie?

If I finish all of my tasks on my to-do list, then I reward myself with this tasty treat.

I'm a chocoholic.

You give yourself a cookie for doing your job?

That is so sad.

No, no. I give myself a piece of cookie for doing a bit of my job.

Seem so sad now?

I'm starting to understand why Teddy took that header into the stone quarry.

No! That is not what--

Look, I cannot solve clinical depression with a cookie.

And let me tell you something, that man had a death wish.

Nothing was gonna stop Teddy jumping his dirt bike into that quarry.

Where there was light, he just saw darkness.

Now, we just need to come up with a reward that each of you guys can work towards.

So, Brad, what's something that gives you a little joy?

-Predator-prey videos. -What is that? I don't know what that is.

You know, like a k*ller whale eating a seal or a cheetah running down a gazelle and ripping out its throat.

Stuff like that.

Have you seen the one where the alligator bites the python, but then the python wraps himself around the alligator and they both die?

-That one's great. -Okay, yeah.

Let's just stick with the cookie, guys.

It seems like a simpler reward.

So the next thing we need is to identify a manageable task.

So, Brad, what's something you can accomplish next?

I don't know. I guess we could sell naming rights to the coliseum for like a million bucks.

That is a great idea. Look at you!

"Naming rights to the coliseum." Love it.

Hey, and guess what? That is what I call a task accomplished.

Brad gets a cookie.

There we go.

And I'm gonna do it one more time.

Look at that. You got some chocolate chunks in there.

That is gonna be good.

Okay, so, Jo, what is something you'd like to accomplish today?

Same thing I want every day: to help people achieve their goals.

That's great and surprisingly not weird.

And you can accomplish that today. That is your job.

But Ian's not here.

But I am, and I am your boss, all right?

Assist me. You understand?

-I guess. -She guesses. Look at that.

We're making progress. Unbelievable.

Okay, so, my job is to help you guys today.

So, in a way, assisting you will help me in being a better assistant to you.

This is so confusing. I'm just gonna take notes and not talk.

Look out.

Hey, Jo, you're assisting me.

Cookie earned. Look at that.

And in half. There you go.

All right, guys.

Cheers.

You the new one?

Sorry, excuse me?

-You're here with Ian, right? -Oh, yeah.

I saw you pull up. I'm Shannon.

Hi. I'm Brendan's mom.

-Hi, Shannon. -Hi.

Sorry, who's Brendan?

Oh, my gosh. That's so cute. Pootie.

Right. Brendan is Pootie Shoe.

Why is Ian meeting with Pootie?

Oh, my God. He didn't tell you?

That is so typical of him. Wow. Of course he wouldn't.

Well, why should he? It's just his son.

I'm sorry.

Pootie Shoe is Ian's son?

Christ, he really keeps you in the dark, doesn't he?

He was like that when we were together.

Oh, no. We-- We're not together.

We're just colleagues. Work colleagues.

Equal colleagues. Partners, actually.

Can I give you a piece of advice before he knocks you up too?

He's not gonna knock me up. We're not gonna have-- We're never gonna--

Oh, no, no. He knows how to shine his light on you, right, and make you feel like you are the most important person in the world, that you'll be together forever.

You're partners.

And then when you're feeling safest, he just shines that light somewhere else.

Mostly on himself.

And then the second it seems like you may be on to something better... he can sense it.

And that light comes right back to you.

But it's bullshit.

He just wants someone, he needs someone to be his emotional lapdog.

You understand?

Always supporting him.

Always there for him, regardless of your own needs, and just waitin' for him to return.

That sound right?

Okay, Shannon.

Well, you seem like a real-- a real gem.

But I have to get back to--

Sitting here.

Waiting.

Son of a bitch.

Here you go.

-Thanks. -Thank you.

So...

how's your life?

Why'd you call me here?

Have you lost all of your baby teeth?

'Cause I brought something.

I'm 14, Dad.

Right. Right, that's not--

The timing's off.

Sorry, I'm just a little flustered.

Fourteen. Fourteen, right. Oh, so you getting laid yet?

-What the f*ck, Dad? -Also probably not appropriate.

I'm not f*cking getting laid. Are you--

I'm sorry, man. I just... I don't have a lot of practice with this.

-Would you just bear with me? -Right, yeah, no.

Let's consider your needs at the beginning of this summit.

Okay, look.

Brendan, I know that this is difficult for you to understand, but me leaving was something that your mother and I decided together.

And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, years later, you start streaming MQ, and then you get bigger and bigger and bigger, and I didn't know what to do.

I was just trying to find a way to talk to you.

Kind of an elaborate way to reach out, don't you think?

Well, I'm sorry. You know, I didn't really have a lot of practice talking to dads I hadn't seen in ten years, so forgive me for my brain being a little scrambled, you f*cking d*ck!

I didn't know you were the Masked Man, otherwise I would not have done it.

Oh, wow. What about the time you told me to k*ll myself?

-I didn't tell you to k*ll yourself. -Yes, he did.

That wasn't me. That wasn't me.

That was Jo. That was my assistant. Technically, she's David's assistant.

She's more of just a free-floating agent of chaos.

We should probably fire her.

Wow. Sounds like you run a real tight ship over there, Dad.

Look, Brendan.

I was never going to be a good dad.

But I always took care of everything.

The school, the house. I took care of all of it.

And the truth is you were better off without me.

Look at you, man.

You have this great career, you've got money, a great relationship with your mom.

I don't know.

Honestly, I feel like I made the right decision here.

-You just said the word "I" nine times. -Did I?

-That's ten. -Wow, you can count sh*t like that?

You're like Rain Man. Oh, my God.

You really are, like, a genius.

Hey, my kid's a genius.

Hey, my son's a genius.

Wow. Wow, everything's about you.

I thought that maybe you just felt enough guilt that you finally, finally wanted to reconnect.

-But no. No. -Yeah.

You just wanted me to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong, that you're not a bad person, and that you didn't mess up.

Because everything is always about you.

-No, no. That's not true. I-- -"I."

-What I'm trying to say-- -"I'm."

-I know, but I-- -Two more.

-Okay, but I-- -"I."

Well, how is a person supposed to talk without using personal pronouns?

Okay, you know what, I'm really too old to be having this conversation.

Wait, hold on a second. Where are you going?

Don't contact me again, Ian.

-Okay, Son-- -No!

I'm done with you.

For the record, I give this conversation zero buttholes.

Pootie out!

Hey, Dan Williams.

It's Poppy, your new creative director.

That's right, I'm back.

Disregard my previous message.

I'm done with Mythic Quest, and I'm definitely done with all the drama.

Like, for real this time. So, I want the job.

Great. Just call me back. Thanks. Bye.

Hey, how'd it go in there? You okay?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Really? There's nothing that you wanna share with the person that you dragged all the way out here?

No. I don't. Can we just go?

No. Were you seriously not gonna tell me?

I know that Pootie's your son. I just met your ex. She told me.

Shannon. How'd she look?

-Batshit crazy! -Yeah.

Why did you bring me out here?

For support.

Of course. 'Cause I'm like your emotional support animal that has to sit in the hot car for an hour, like that dog!

What dog?

Okay, well, there was a dog there earlier, and it was a really apt metaphor!

Okay, can we just not do this right now, Poppy?

You're right. Let's not do this anymore. I quit.

I'm gonna go work at Cold Alliance. They're making me creative director.

What do you...

What are you gonna say to that?

If that's what you wanna do, I can't stop you.

That's your reaction?

Yeah.

Whatever, man. Get in the car. I'm driving.

The dog! That's the dog! There, look. He's real.

He's real, and even he gets to get out of the car and take a piss!

Well, you know what, Ian, I'm not the dog anymore! You're the dog!

-Why do you hate dogs so much? -I don't hate dogs.

Listen to me very carefully, Ian.

I hate you.

I'm so sorry. I just noticed something.

I think your part is on the wrong side of your head.

If we just moved it over to the other side, it would open up your whole face.

I am going to open up your face!

Get in the car!

Okay.

Okay, Brad. So, now that you've identified your next big-ticket item, all we have to do is get Dana to push it, and you are well on your way to your second piece of cookie.

-Where is Dana? -Gone, Daddy-o.

Whatever. All right.

Uh... well, looks like our next task is to find out where Dana is.

I can do it.

If I find Dana, that assists Brad, and it assists you by assisting Brad.

I'm on it.

She's really taken to the system.

C.W., what do you got going on here?

Just enjoying America's best-selling beverage, while watching the japery of some purple buffoon.

Roscoe. Classic.

Yeah. Millions of people love him.

So, must be good, right?

Is he acting out?

Yeah, like an 8-year-old.

Okay, great. Well, I can introduce you to my system.

Although I don't know if I have enough cookie to reward you.

Oh, it's Poppy.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

The Masked Man is Ian's son!

It's his son!

The narrative through line has been restored.

Quality literature resumes its rightful throne!

-Oh, my gosh. -sh*t!

-It's got me! It's got me! It's got me! -Wait, wait! k*ll him!

I'm trying. I'm trying. How are they so fast?

-No. -Dammit.

Ate our faces off.

Thanks so much for getting me out. I really needed this.

Yeah. Of course.

I know how much you like spilling zombie blood, so I thought this would cheer you up.

You do realize we're in a small confined space, playing games, sitting next to each other, right?

We recreated what we do at work.

Yeah. Well, you know, what we used to do, anyway.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

I really miss you, Rache.

You do?

Yeah.

Hey!

-sh*t! -What are you two doing?

Christ, Jo. What the hell are you doing here?

I'm doing my job, something the two of you should consider doing once in a while.

How did you even know we were here?

It's not complicated.

You're simple people with simple lives. Now, move your asses back to work.

You can't tell us what to do.

Yeah. Don't be a narc, Jo.

I'm not a narc.

I'm David Brittlesbee's m*therf*cking assistant.

Now, move!

Cheer up, princess.

Okay, Pop.

"Okay, Pop."

God, you are such a dramatic assh*le.

Yeah.

-Dude. -Got 'em, David.

That hurts.

They were playing hooky at an arcade like truant schoolchildren.

Wow. Busted.

Hey, good job, Jo.

Can we go back to work now?

Hold on. Wait a minute. Brad actually has a task he needs accomplished.

Right, Brad?

Dana, we're selling naming rights to the coliseum for a million bucks.

Just say whatever you want about it on the stream. Doesn't matter.

Some idiot's gonna buy it and call it "King sh*t's f*ck Town."

Great. Got that, Dana?

Sure, I guess.

Good. So, off you go.

-You too. -I'm going.

Guys. Come on. Circle up.

Come on.

Can I just say something? I am really proud of us.

We all accomplished what we set out to do today.

Jo, you assisted me beautifully.

And, Brad, you powered through and did your job despite feeling like your life is meaningless.

As for myself, I got you both across the finish line, and no one jumped headfirst into a rock quarry.

Right? That's a big deal for me.

Plus, we have earned our last bits of cookie.

It's only two pieces.

You know what? You guys have 'em.

-Are you sure? -Yeah.

There you go.

Go ahead, take a bite.

This is the most delicious thing I've ever eaten in my entire life.

Yeah. Something about the last one just... just really tastes so good.

Brad.

I found out who bought that overpriced sword thingy of yours.

It wasn't a Saudi prince.

It was some old guy who lives in a trailer park or something. Crazy.

Wait. Trailer park? How did he afford it?

Must've been his life savings.

Holy sh*t. That's it.

Okay, it's not about taking a million dollars from a billionaire.

It's about taking that last piece of cookie from a man who has nothing else.

I wouldn't say nothing.

It's about taking our players' last dollar. No, last penny.

No, last fraction of a penny. Micro-microtransactions.

Wait, nano-transactions. No one's safe, no matter how poor they are.

That is why I do this.

Thank you, D-man.

That's not the lesson.

Hey. Why'd you throw that away?

I ain't gonna eat that piece of sh*t.

You just got that out of the trash.

I sure did, boss.

-Thanks, Jo. -It's no problem.

Look at you. Where you been?

Strangling the light out of someone's eyes?

You know what, Lou?

Say whatever bullshit you want, man.

Because nothing is going to ruin my day.

Oh, my God!

Wyld_D.

And I just got back from playing some of my favorite old-school games at an actual arcade.

Now, y'all know I love the new stuff, but sometimes you gotta go back to the classics to really understand what they mean to you.

Let's dive back into the Shadow Wolf dungeon, shall we?

And I'm also taking requests for any spell combos.

So, hit me up in the chat.

"Another fake gamer girl."

Okay, I'm just gonna ignore the haters.

Bye, haters.

"This bitch works for Mythic Quest."

What's happening?

Why is her chat getting spammed by trolls?

Guys, I'm not a fake gamer.

I love video games more than anything.

They pegged your girl as a plant. She's toast.

Okay, now that's just rude and r*cist. You kiss your mama with that mouth?

Well, good thing nothing can ruin your day.

Are you coming?

No.

You're just gonna sit in the car like a child?

I guess.

You know what, I'm glad that I'm going to Cold Alliance because at least there I'll have a voice, and they're gonna serve my vision.

And maybe they're gonna have to feed it through an algorithm, but at least I'm not gonna be breaking out in hives and have a pit in my stomach wondering what kind of messed up sh*t this place is gonna throw at me next.

Hey. Hey, Dan the man.

It's Poppy, the creative director.

What up? Can't wait to see you in a couple of weeks.

Listen, Poppy, I don't think this is gonna work out.

I really respect your talent, but I'm afraid your artistic temperament isn't a fit for our studio.

No. No, no, because I'm actually not... not that artistic.

Some people call me a mechanic.

I'm actually... I'm very levelheaded.

You gotta trust me, Dan. I'm...

I'm the grounded one around here.

I'm sorry, Poppy. Good-bye.

sh*t.

-Hey, Pop. -Oh, my God.

I heard everything. That sucks.

Well, see you inside.

I met his Chinese girlfriend.

Wow. That's really r*cist, Mom.

Unless she was actually Chinese, but knowing you, she wasn't.

Did you at least mention I was dating?

Yeah. In the middle of meeting my estranged father, I mentioned the fact that you were getting plowed by random dudes.

Christ, I can't wait till I get my learner's permit.

You want some chicken nuggets, sweetie?

Yeah.

Me too.