01x02 - The Legend of the Gobblewonker

[bunniefuu]

MABEL: Are you ready for the ultimate challenge?

DIPPER: I'm always ready.

MABEL: Then you know what this means.

BOTH: Syrup race!

MABEL: Go, Sir Syrup!

DIPPER: Go, Mountie Man! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Almost. Almost. Yes! I won!

(COUGHING)

No way. Hey, Mabel, check this out.

Human-sized hamster balls. I'm human-sized!

No, no, Mabel. This.

We see weirder stuff than that every day.

We didn't get any photos of those gnomes, did we?

Nope. Just memories. And this beard hair.

Why did you save that?

Good morning, knuckleheads! You two know what day it is?

Um, happy anniversary?

Mazel tov!

It's family fun day, genius! We're cutting off work and having one of those, you know, bonding type deals.

Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our last "family bonding" day?

You call that a Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman!

-(POLICE SIREN WAILING) -Uh-oh.

The county jail was so cold.

All right, maybe I haven't been the best summer caretaker, but I swear, today we're gonna have some real family fun!

Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?

BOTH: Yay!

Wait, what?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Blindfolds never lead to anything good.

Wow. I feel like all my other senses are heightened! I can see with my fingers.

BOTH: Whoa!

Grunkle Stan, are you wearing a blindfold?

Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that? A woodpecker?

(ALL SCREAM)

Okay, okay. Open them up.

Ta-da!

It's fishing season!

-Fishing? -What are you playing at, old man?

You're gonna love it. The whole town's out here.

Here, fishy-fishies. Get into the pan.

Say "cheese"!

(SCREAMS)

Is this good?

No! I'll show you how a real man fishes.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

Get him! Get him!

That's some quality family bonding.

Grunkle Stan, why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden?

Come on! This is gonna be great. I've never had fishing buddies before.

The guys from the lodge won't go with me. They don't "like or trust me."

I think he actually wants to fish with us.

Hey! I know what'll cheer you sad-sacks up.

Pines family fishing hats. That's hand-stitching, you know.

It's just gonna be you, me, and those goofy hats on a boat for 10 hours.

-Ten hours? -I brought the joke book.

No! No!

There has to be a way out of this.

I seen it! I seen it again!

The Gravity Falls Gobblewonker!

Come quick before it scrab-doodles away!

Aw, he's doing a happy jig!

No! It's a jig of grave danger!

Hey! Hey!

Now what did I tell you about scaring my customers?

This is your last warning, Dad!

But I got proof this time, by gummitty!

Behold! It's the Gobble-dee-wonker what done did it!

It had a long neck like a gee-raff.

And wrinkly skin like this gentleman, right here!

Huh?

It chawed my boat up to smitheroons and shim-shammed over to Scuttlebutt Island!

You gotta believe me!

Attention all units, we got ourselves a crazy old man.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Aw, donkey spittle! You're a bunch of...

Well, that happened. Now let's untie this boat and get out on that lake.

Mabel! Did you hear what that old dude said?

"Donkey spittle!"

The other thing. About the monster. If we can snag a photo of it, we could split the prize 50-50.

That's two fifties.

Imagine what you could do with $500!

Not so high and mighty anymore.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

(CRASHING)

MABEL: Hey, boys.

You can look, but you can't touch.

Squeak, squeak, squeak.

BOTH: Awesome!

Mabel? Mabel?

Dipper, I am one million percent on board with this.

Grunkle Stan! Change of plans. We're taking that boat to Scuttlebutt Island, and we're gonna find that Gobblewonker.

BOTH: Monster hunt! Monster hunt! Monster hunt!

Monster hunt! Monster... I'll go.

(BOAT HORN HONKS)

You dudes say something about a monster hunt?

Soos!

What's up, hambone?

(IMITATES expl*si*n)

Explode!

Dude, you could totally use my boat for your hunt.

It's got a steering wheel, chairs. Normal boat stuff.

All right, all right. Let's think this through. You kids could go waste your time on some epic monster finding adventure or you could spend the day learning how to tie knots and skewer worms with your great uncle Stan!

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BANJO MUSIC PLAYING)

So what do you say?

(CHEERING)

MABEL: We made the right choice.

SOOS: Yes.

Ingrates! Who needs them? I've got a whole box of creepy fishing lures to keep me company.

(FLIES BUZZING)

Ugh!

Hoist the anchor.

DIPPER: Raise the flag.

We're gonna find that Gobblewonker.

DIPPER: We're gonna win that photo contest.

SOOS: Do any of you dudes have sunscreen?

DIPPER: We're gonna go get sunscreen.

(ALL CHEERING)

(GROWLING)

All right, if we wanna win this contest, we've gotta do it right.

Think. What's the number one problem with most monster hunts?

You're a side-character and you die in the first five minutes of the movie.

Dude, am I a side-character? Do you ever think about stuff like that?

No, no, no. Camera trouble. Say Bigfoot shows up. Soos, be Bigfoot.

"There he is! Bigfoot! Uh-oh! No camera!

"Wait, here's one. No film."

You see? You see, you see what I'm doing here?

Yeah. Dude's got a point.

That's why I bought 17 disposable cameras. Two on my ankle, three in my jacket, four for each of you, three extras in this bag, and one under my hat. There's no way we're gonna miss this.

Okay, everybody, let's test our cameras out.

Ah! Dude!

You see? This is exactly why you need backup cameras. We still have 16.

-(CAWS) -A bird!

Fifteen. Okay, guys, I repeat, don't lose your cameras.

Wait, lose the cameras?

Don't!

Dude, I just threw two away.

Thirteen! All right, we still have 13 cameras...

Twelve. We have 12 cameras.

So, what's the plan? Throw more cameras overboard or what?

No! No. Okay. You'll be lookout, Soos can work the steering wheel, and I'll be captain.

What? Why do you get to be captain?

What about Mabel, huh? Mabel, Mabel, Mabel, Mabel.

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

What about co-captain?

There's no such thing as co-captain.

Oh, oops.

Okay, fine! You can be co-captain!

Can I be associate co-captain?

As co-captain, I authorize that request.

Well, as first co-captain, our number one order of business is to lure the monster out with this.

Permission to taste some?

-G ranted. -Permission co-granted.

Permission associate co-granted.

(COUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Dude, I don't know what I expected that to taste like.

Traitors. I'll find my own fishing buddies.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Ah! There's my new pals.

Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you.

Oh, Reginald!

Hey! Wanna hear a joke?

Here it goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!

Her aim is getting better!

You see it's... It's funny because marriage is terrible.

What?

Hey, how's it going?

(IN DEEP VOICE) It's going awesome.

(HUMMING)

Mabel, leave that thing alone.

(IN DEEP VOICE) I don't mind none.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, look, I'm drinking water.

(SINGING IN GARBLED VOICE) "Twinkle, twinkle, little..."

(COUGHING)

Aren't you supposed to be doing lookout?

Look out!

(LAUGHS)

But seriously, I'm on it.

-(CRASHING) -(ALL SCREAM)

See? We're here! I'm a lookout genius! Hamster ball, here we come!

(ow|. HOOTING)

Dude, check it out. "Butt Island."

Soos, you rapscallion!

Hey, why aren't you laughing? Are you scared?

Yeah, right. I'm not...

Yeah, you are!

-(BLOWING RASPBERRIES) -Hey! Quit...

Stop. Mabel.

-(GROWLING) -(BOTH GASP)

Dude, did you guys hear that?

What was that? Was it your stomach?

No, my stomach normally sounds like whale noises.

(SQUEAKING)

Wow.

So majestic.

(CHITTERING)

Our lantern! I can't see anything.

Dude, I don't know, man. Maybe this isn't worth it.

Not worth it? Guys, imagine what would happen if we got that picture.

Tonight, we're here with adventure seeker Dipper Pines, who bravely photographed the illusive Gobblewonker. Tell me, Dipper, what's the secret to your success?

Well, I run away from nothing. Nothing, except for when I ran away from my annoying Grunkle Stan, who I ditched in order to pursue that lake monster.

How right you were to do so. He looked like a real piece of work.

I don't often do this, but I feel the need to give you an award.

(CRASHING)

Charlie! Why won't you interview me?

(SCREAMS)

-I'm in! -Me too!

(BOTH PANTING)

All right, dudes, I'm coming!

(SOOS b*at-BOXING)

(RAPPING) My name is Mabel, it rhymes with table, it also rhymes with glable, it also rhymes with shmabel.

Dude, we should be writing this down.

Guys, guys, guys. You hear something?

(GROWLING)

(CAWING)

This is it! This is it!

Yes, yes, yes!

Uh!

Everyone, get your cameras ready.

Ready? Go!

(YELLING)

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

(SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAKS)

But... But what was that noise then? I heard a monster noise.

(GROWLING)

(CHAINSAW GROWLING)

Sweet. Beaver with a chainsaw.

Maybe that old guy was crazy after all.

He did use the word "scrab-doodle."

(SIGHS)

Look, when you're threading the line, a lot of people don't know this, but you wanna use a barrel knot.

That's a secret from one fishing buddy to another. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, I... Who are you, exactly?

Just call me your "Grunkle" Stan!

Sir, sir, sir! Why are you talking to our son? If you don't leave right now, I'm calling the police.

(LAUGHS) You see, the thing about that is...

Go bother your own kids!

Yeah! Work it. Work it. Nice. Nice.

Give me another one of those. Yeah, I like that one.

What are we gonna say to Grunkle Stan?

We ditched him over nothing.

-(SIGHS) -(RUMBLING)

-Hey, guys, do you feel that? Hey, hey! -(RUMBLES)

-Whoa! -(MABEL SCREAMS)

This is it! Come on, this is our chance!

What's wrong with you guys?

MABEL: Dipper? SOOS: Dude!

It's not that hard, all right? All you gotta do is point and sh**t. Like this.

(HISSES)

Run!

(GROWLING)

Get back to the boat! Hurry!

The picture!

Dude, if it makes you feel any better, I got tons of pictures of those beavers, dude.

Why would that make me feel better?

(GROWLS)

(PANTING)

Now, let's get out of here, dudes!

All right, this is it! Cracked lens!

Soos! Get a photo!

What are you doing?

I've still got one left. Don't worry, dude!

(GROWLING)

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Mollycoddling...

BOY: Can you please tell me more funny stories, Pop-Pop?

Anything for my fishing buddies.

(GROANS)

Pop-Pop, I just realized that I love you.

Oh, come on! Boo! Boo!

Hey, now, what's the big idea?

Maybe he has no one who wuvs him, Pop-Pop.

Yeah, well, I...

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

Soos! Beavers!

(SQUEAKING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Dude!

(SQUEAKS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

-Head-lock! -Dad! Dad! Dad!

(ALL GASPING)

The fishes! They seek revenge! Swim, boys! Swim!

Look out!

Easy. Easy.

MY glass!

Where do I go?

Go into the falls! I think there might be a cave behind there.

Might be?

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ALL SIGHING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GROWLING)

It's stuck.

(LAUGHS) Yeah! Wait. It's stuck?

(GASPS)

Boop!

(LAUGHS)

Did you get a good one?

They're all good ones!

Hamster balls!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

What the...

Huh?

-MABEL: What's wrong? -(METALLIC CLANGING)

-Hmm. -SOOS: Careful, dude.

I've got this. Hold on.

Hey, guys! Come check this out!

Work the bellows and the... Banjo polish!

Wha... You made this? Why?

Well, 1... (STAMMERS)

I just wanted attention.

I still don't understand.

Well, first, I just hootenannied up a biomechanical brainwave generator, and then I learned to operate a stick shift with my beard...

Okay, yeah, but why did you do it?

Well, when you get to be an old feller like me, nobody pays any attention to you anymore. My own son hasn't visited me in months.

So I figured maybe I'd catch his fancy with a 15-ton aquatic robot.

(CACKLING)

In retrospect, it seems a bit contrived. You just don't know the lengths us old timers go through for a little quality time with our family.

(BOTH SIGH)

Dude, I guess the real lake monster is you two.

(LAUGHS)

Sorry that just, like, boom! Just popped into my head, there.

So did you ever talk to your son about how you felt?

No, sir, I got to work straight on the robot. I made lots of robots in my clay.

Like when my wife left me and I created a homicidal Pterodactyl-tron or when my pal Ernie didn't come to my retirement party, and I constructed an

80-ton Shame-bot that exploded the entire downtown area.

(CACKLING)

Well, time to get back to work on my death-ray.

(MACHINES WHIRRING)

Any of you kids got a screwdriver?

Well, so much for the photo contest.

We still have one roll of film left.

What do you want to do with it?

(SIGHS)

DIPPER: Hey! Over here!

What the... Kids? I thought you two were off playing spin the bottle with Soos!

Well, we spent all day trying to find a legendary dinosaur.

But we realized the only dinosaur we wanna hang out with is right here.

Save your sympathy. I've been having a great time without you, making friends, talking to my reflection. I had a run-in with the lake police.

I guess I gotta wear this ankle-bracelet now, so that'll be fun.

So I guess there isn't room in that boat for three more?

You knuckleheads ever seen me thread a hook with my eyes closed?

Five bucks says you can't do it.

You're on!

Five more bucks says you can't do it with your eyes closed, plus me singing at the top of my lungs.

I like those odds!

What happened to your shirt?

Long story, dude.

All right, everybody get together. Say, "Fishing!"

Fishing!

SOOS: Dude, am I in the frame?

(GRUNTS)

What was that?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Who wants to hear a joke?

DIPPER: Not me.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, you do. Here it goes...

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?

DIPPER: I don't care.

'Cause he had a very big bill. La, la, la...

DIPPER: Boo. Bad joke. Bad pelican joke.

PELICAN: Yay! Hurray!