01x05 - The Inconveniencing

[bunniefuu]

(BLEATING)

Mabel, do you believe in ghosts?

I believe you're a big dork.

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

Soos, Wendy!

(PANTING)

What's up, Mr. Pines?

I'm heading out. You two are gonna wash the bathrooms, right?

-Yes, sir! -Absolutely not.

(LAUGHING)

You stay out of trouble.

Hey, guys. What's this?

Secret ladder to the roof?

Uh, I don't think Mr. Pines would like that.

_Huh? _Huh?

-Huh? -You're freaking me out, dude.

Can we actually go up there?

Sure we can. Roof time! Roof time!

ALL: (CHANTING) Roof time! Roof time!

(GROANING)

(DIPPER GRUNTING)

All right! Check it out.

-Whoa! -Whoa! Cool!

(MABEL LAUGHS)

Did you put all this stuff up here?

I may or may not sneak up here during work, all the time, every day.

(GRUNTING)

Yes!

-All right. -Me first!

(ALARM BLARING)

Jackpot! High five!

Don't leave me hanging!

BOTH: Ha!

Hey, it's my friends!

THOMPSON: Wendy.

Uh, you guys aren't gonna tell Stan about this, are you?

Later, dorks.

(GRUNTING)

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

THOMPSON: Let's get out of here!

-NATE: Whoo! -Yeah!

Later, Wendy!

(LAUGHING)

Ah, good times.

-Uh-oh! -What?

Somebody's in love.

Yeah, right, I just think Wendy's cool, okay?

It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about her.

Uh-oh!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Random dance party for no reason!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

GO; go,- go,- go; 90: go! go! go"

Dipper.

Huh? What? Yes? Yeah?

Aren't you gonna get in on this?

I don't really dance.

Yeah, you do! Mom used to dress him up in a lamb costume and make him do the lamb y dance.

Now is not the time to talk about the lamb y dance.

Lamb costume? Whoa! Is there, like, little ears and a tail, or...

Well. Uh...

Dipper would prance around and sing a song about grazing.

(CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES)

Hey, look at that!

Quitting time! The g*ng's waiting for me.

Hey, wait! Maybe I could, or we could, come with you?

Ooh! I don't know. My friends are pretty intense.

How old did you guys say you are?

We're 13! So, technically a teen!

All right. I like your moxie, kid. Let me get my stuff.

Since when are we 13? Is this a leap year?

Come on, Mabel!

This is our chance to hang out with, you know, the cool kids.

And Wendy and whatever.

I knew it! You love her! Love! Love! Love! Love! Love!

-Oh, hey, what's that? -Huh?

(SPITTING)

Hurry UP-

BOTH: (CHANTING) In the belly! In the belly!

(THOMPSON GROANING)

BOTH: In the belly! In the belly!

(ALL CHEERING)

Yeah!

ALL: Wendy.

Wendy. Wendy.

Hey, guys, these are my pals from work. Mabel and Dipper.

I chewed my gum so it looks like a brain!

She's not much for first impressions. Unlike this guy!

This gl-IY---

So, are you, like, babysitting, or...

(SCOFFS) Come on, Robbie.

-Guys, this is Lee and Nate. -(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

-Tambry. -Hi.

WENDY: Thompson, who once ate a run-over waffle for 50 cents.

Don't tell them that.

WENDY: And Robbie. You can probably figure him out.

Yeah, I'm the guy who spray-painted the water tower.

Oh, you mean the big muffin!

Um, it's a giant expl*si*n!

(CHUCKLING)

LEE: It kind of does look like a muffin!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Let's hurry it up, guys. I got big plans for tonight. Huh?

LEE: Yeah, all right, let's get out of here.

THOMPSON: Come on, guys, get in the car.

LEE: Ow-ow!

Sorry, kid. I ride shotgun, all right?

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Okay. Just, before we go, my mom said you guys aren't allowed to punch the roof anymore, so...

ALL: Thompson! Thompson! Thompson!

Thompson! Thompson! Thompson!

(LAUGHING) This is gonna blow someone's mind.

Mabel. Please.

What? Am I embarrassing you in front of your new (SHOUTING) girl...

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

Ugh! Did you just lick my hand?

MAN ON TV: You're watching the black-and-white-period-piece old-lady-boring movie channel.

Kids!

I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up.

Stay tuned for the Friday night movie, The Duchess Approves, starring Sturly Stembleburgiss as The Duchess and Grampton St. Rumpterfabble as the irascible coxswain, Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire.

Kids!

No! No!

WENDY: There it is, fellas.

The condemned Dusk 2 Dawn.

LEE: (CHUCKLING) Whoa!

-Neat-o! -LEE: Awesome.

Why did they shut it down? It's like a health code violation or...

Try m*rder!

Some folks d*ed in there. The place has been haunted ever since.

This town has such a colorful history!

What? Are you guys serious?

Yeah, "We're all gonna die!"

Chill out, man. It's not as bad as it looks.

Come on, Dipper.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Okay. Okay, just, got to get a foothold.

Dude, your sister did it.

(GIBBERISH)

Hey, you know what? Just, there you go.

(GRUNTING)

LEE: (LAUGHS) Sorry, dude.

NATE: Good job throwing the kid off the fence, genius.

LEE: Your mom's a genius.

(ROBBIE GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLING) This place is amazing.

I think it's stuck.

Let me take a cr*ck at it.

Oh, yeah. I can't get in, but I'm sure Junior here is gonna break it down like Hercules.

Come on. Leave him alone. He's just a little kid.

(GRUNTING)

TAMBRY: Whoa. Kid. What are you doing?

(GRUNTING)

MABEL: Go, Dipper! Punch that metal thing!

Hey, Dipper, take it easy!

Who wants to bet he doesn't make it?

MABEL: Cool. LEE: Awesome!

Good call inviting this little maniac!

Your new name is Doctor Funtimes!

-All right! -THOMPSON: Too cool. Yeah, man!

Nice work.

THOMPSON: Do you guys really think it's haunted?

LEE: Nah! Thompson, are you kidding me?

NATE: Come on, shut up, man. (LAUGHING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN AWE)

LEE: Whoa! Dude. WENDY: No way.

LEE: Look at this place. ROBBIE: Ah, no way.

NATE: Wow. What is this? ROBBIE: Check it out!

Oh, man, it's even creepier than I imagined!

Yep. It's dust.

Hey, dude. Where do you think they keep the dead bodies?

(LAUGHS) Shut up, man.

Guys! Check it out! You think these still work?

(MACHINES POWERING UP)

THOMPSON: Nice. NATE: Whoa!

-ROBBIE: So cool. -Unbelievable.

Jackpot!

So what are we gonna do now?

Anything we want.

-THOMPSON: Take that! -CooH

-(GRUNTS) -(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

ROBBIE: Put 'em in, put 'em in. Three at a time, three at a time!

(ALL CHEERING)

(DIPPER CHUCKLES)

Oh, my gosh! Smile Dip! I thought this stuff was banned in America!

Maybe they had a good reason?

Ooh! (LAUGHING)

(GOBBLES)

NATE: Hey, come here, man! We got it ready!

Whatever it is, I'll do it!

(LAUGHING) Thompson!

Dipper, this night is, like, legendary.

-Really? -Just look around.

The guys are bonding.

(LAUGHING)

I've never even seen Tambry look up from her phone this long.

And your sister seems to be going nuts for that Smile Dip.

(GROANING)

Maybe I've had too much. What do you think?

(INDISTINCT GROWLING)

Would you like to eat my candy paws?

Of course, you little angel!

You know, Dipper, I wasn't sure if you could hang with our crew at first.

But you're surprisingly mature for your age!

Yes. Yes, I am.

NATE: Hey, guys! We need more ice!

I'm on it!

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

What was that? I thought I heard some lady screaming back here.

You freaking out, kid?

(NERVOUS SHUDDER) No! No, I'm cool. Everything's cool.

Then what's all this about?

Oh. That's, uh... (GASPS) Hey, look! Dancy Pants Revolution!

The game that tricks people into exercising.

WENDY: All right, I'm down. NATE: Let's go!

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Yeah! Let's all... Let's all go play that.

(THOMPSON PANTS)

MALE GAME ANNOUNCER: Dance! Hurry up!

BOTH: Go! Go! GO! Go!

Wow, he's really terrible at this.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Yeah, yeah. That's great.

Huh!

I'll be right back.

(PHONE LINE RINGING)

Come on, Grunkle Stan, pick up!

(GROANS) What is he doing?

(PHONE RINGING)

DUCHESS: I don't care about dukes or commoners or His Royal Highness Lionel of Cornwall!

I'm not afraid anymore, Mother!

Duchess, I forbid you!

I may be a duchess, but I'm also a woman!

Yes! Yes! In your face, Elizabeth!

(SOBBING) It's just like my life!

In a way.

(DIAL TONE SOUNDING)

Mabel, I need your advice!

We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys, they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something.

(GURGLING)

Mabel?

The future is in the past! Onwa rds, Aoshima!

(ALARM BLARES)

Mabel! How many of these did you eat?

Bleventeen...

Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man!

(CHUCKLES)

Whoa! Guys! You might wanna see this.

TAMBRY: What? NATE: What the heck?

Whoa!

-Then the rumors are true! -(GULPS)

Dude, I dare you to lie down in it.

Good idea! Go lie down in it.

(CHUCKLES) I'm a dead body! Look!

Wait! Maybe let's not do that.

This guy's scared!

All I'm saying is, why tempt the fates?

I mean, what if this place, really is haunted?

-WENDY: Aw, come on. -Boo!

Come on.

Just take it down a notch, Captain Buzzkill.

But I thought I was Doctor Funtimes!

Well, you're acting like Captain Buzzkill, right?

Yeah, little bit.

(SIGHING)

Status update, trapped in store with insane 9-year-old.

I'm not a 9-year-old! I'm 13! Technically a teen!

(ALL TALKING IN DISTINCTLY)

(GASPS)

WENDY: Whoa!

-(ALL GASP) -What?

Status update...

(DIPPER READING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Tambry! Tambry!

Can you hear us?

What are we supposed to do?

I don't know, man! I don't know!

-Let's just go already! -Thompson!

Wait! (PANTS) I've almost got the high score!

(THOMPSON SCREAMING)

Huh? What?

GAME ANNOUNCER: Time to shake what your momma gave you!

Oh, no! Help! So many arrows!

You're a dance machine!

No! You're a dance machine!

(sesame)

-Oh, no! -Thompson.

Forget him! Let's go!

What the... Guys, it's locked!

Out of my way!

(GRUNTS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Everybody wait. Whatever is doing this has to have some kind of reason.

Maybe if we could just figure out what it is, then they'll let us out of here!

"Ooh! They'll let us out of here!" Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

I don't know, guys, maybe he's got a point.

Yeah, right, I'm sure the ghost just wants to talk about its feelings.

(SCREAMING)

What?

I'm bonkers for eating you alive!

No! (SCREAMING)

Lee! Okay, okay. I'm with you, kid. 100%, man!

(AS MALE GHOST) Welcome.

(ALL SHRIEKING)

They got Mabel!

Welcome to your graves, young trespassers.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

We're super sorry for hanging out in your store.

Yeah, can we just go now and leave forever?

Well, okay. You're free to go.

(DOOR BEEPS)

But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off.

I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Just kidding about the hot dog sale!

Just let us out of here already!

I don't like your tone!

No. No.

What? No! I'm a hot dog.

It begins.

Whoa!

(GRUNTING)

Ah!

Welcome to your home for all eternity!

Dipper. What do we do?

Duck!

Quick! In there!

(BOTH PANTING)

What do they want from us?

Revenge, I guess?

What did we do wrong?

Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here.

Why was each person taken?

Tambry was texting. Thompson was playing a video game.

Lee was being sarcastic. It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, I mean, those are all just normal, teenage things.

Wendy, say that last part again.

Normal teenage things?

Of course! Stay here until I get back.

Dude! What are you doing!

HEY, ghost!

(GROWLS)

I've got something to tell you!

I'm not a teenager!

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

Well, why didn't you say so?

(MABEL GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

How old did you say you were?

(SIGHS)

I'm 12. Technically not a teen.

When we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store.

Always sassafrassin' customers with their boom y boxes and disrespectful short pants.

So we decided to up and ban them.

But they retaliated with this newfangled rap music.

FEMALE GHOST: The lyrics, they were so hateful.

Homework's wack! And so are rules! Tucking in your shirt's for fools!

[[511 FEMALE GHOST: It was so shocking, we were stricken down with double heart att*cks.

-(HEARTBEAT POUNDING) -(BOTH GROANING)

(MACHINE FLATLINING)

That's why we hate teenagers so much!

Don't we, honey?

But they're my friends.

Isn't there anything I can do to help them?

There is one thing.

Do you know any funny little dances?

Uh... Is there anything else I can do?

[[511 Okay, okay, okay!

Um... Well, I do know the lamb y-lamb y dance.

But I can't really do it without a lamb costume.

Uh!

Well. There it is.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(SINGING) Well, who wants a Iamb y, Iamb y, Iamb y?

I do! I do!

So, go up and greet your mammy, mammy, mammy Hi there! Hi there!

So, march, march, march around the daisies Yes, yes! More! More!

Don't, don't, don't you forget about the baby

That was some fine girly dancing, boy.

Your friends are free.

Well, I don't think you have to worry about us coming back, so...

(ALL SCREAMING)

Ugh!

I'm never going to eat or do anything ever again.

Hey! There's still some left.

Evil!

What? What happened after everything went crazy?

You are not going to believe it.

The ghosts appeared, and Dipper had to...

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Dipper just grabbed a bat and started b*ating ghosts down, left and right.

And then the ghosts got all scared and ran away like a couple of little girls.

-It was insane! -No way!

NATE: Doctor Funtimes!

Well, I'm probably scarred for life.

Yeah, that was pretty crazy.

Think I'm gonna go stare at a wall for a while and rethink everything.

Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack, okay?

(LAUGHING) Next time? Yeah!

Yeah! Let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah!

Next time.

(GROANING)

What kind of sick joke is this?

Ah! The wedding. I've waited so long for this.

Oh! Look at her in that dress.

(PEOPLE GASPING ON TV)

Count Lionel? What's he doing here?

COUNT LIONEL: I've come to reclaim my bride!

You had your chance at the cotillion, you!

You had your chance at the cotillion, you!

That's what I'm saying!

(SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION)

Ah...

Couldn't find the remote.