01x07 - Double Dipper

[bunniefuu]

Oh, no, Mabel, I don't feel so good. I...

(RETCHING)

Oh! Grunkle Stan! What did you feed us?

(BOTH RETCHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Barfing. -Guys, guys, stop!

Something terrible just happened.

(RETCHING)

(LAUGHING)

Comedy gold!

All right, all right. Party supplies are now off-limits.

Mr. Pines, whose birthday is it, again?

Nobody's. Thought this party might be a good way to get kids to spend money at the Shack.

Nice!

The young people of this town want fun?

I'll smother them with fun!

Maybe comments like that are why kids don't come to the Mystery Shack.

Hey, hey! How's about you make yourself useful and copy these fliers?

Oh, boy! A trip to the copier store!

Calendars, mugs, t-shirts and more!

They got it all at the copier store!

That's not their slogan. I just really feel that way about the copier store.

Save the trouble. You know the old copier in my office?

I finally fixed the old girl up. Good as new!

(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)

(GASPS) Butterflies!

Does it even work?

(MECHANICAL HUMMING)

Huh!

(BOTH COUGHING)

Success!

Whoa!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Stay back!

(SIZZLING)

Oh, my gosh! Mabel, I think this copier can copy human beings!

Do you realize what this means?

(RETCHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, party people, and Dipper. Let's talk business.

Soos, because you'll work for free and you begged, I'm letting you be DJ.

You won't regret it, Mr. Pines.

I got this book to teach me how to DJ r-r-right.

Not encouraging.

Wendy, you and Mabel are working the ticket stand.

What? But, Grunkle Stan, this party is my chance to make new friends!

I can work with Wendy.

You realize, if you do, you gotta commit to staying at the ticket stand with Wendy.

No getting out of it. Just the two of you, alone, all night.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

I promise.

(YELPS) What?

(MOCKINGLY) "I can work at the counter with you, Wendy! Let's kiss!"

(EXAGGERATED KISSING)

Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want, but I have devised a plan to make sure my night with Wendy goes perfect. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Plan? Oh, you're not making one of those overcomplicated list y things, are you?

(SCOFFS) Overcomplicated? Let me just...

All right, unfold that there. Huh, okay.

Step one: getting to know each other with playful banter.

Banter is like talking, but smarter.

That sounds like a dumb idea for poop heads.

Yeah, see, this isn't banter. This is what I want to avoid with Wendy.

The final step is to ask her to dance.

Oh, Dipper! I'm so happy you decided to work the ticket stand with me.

You're so organized! Show me that checklist again!

(SIGHING)

If I follow steps one through 11, nothing can get in my way.

Dipper, you're the one getting in your way.

Why can't you just walk up and talk to her like a normal person?

Step nine, sister!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCATTING TO MUSIC)

Can your uncle throw a party or what?

The energy, it's electric!

-Uh, lightning. Lightning, lightning... -(DUCKS QUACK, DOGS BARK)

MALE AUTOMATED VOICE: Yeah!

And if anyone wants to leave, I'm charging an exit fee of 15 bucks.

-I've only got 13. -We're trapped!

(TAPPING GLASS)

Step one: casual banter.

So here's a casual question. (CLEARS THROAT)

What's your favorite type of snack food?

Oh, man, I can't just pick one.

No way! Mine, too!

Wait. What?

Uh, I mean, I mean...

(CHOMPING)

(COUGHS)

New topic! New topic!

Go, go! Work it, work it!

Wow! You've got an animal on your body! I'm Mabel.

(DEEP VOICE) Hi, I'm Grenda! This is Candy.

Why do you have forks taped to your fingers?

Improvement of human being.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I've found my people.

"Remember, dudes, whoever party hardys..." What?

Gets the party crown! Most applause at the end of the night wins!

-Whoa! -Wow!

Party crown? I'll take that, thank you very much!

Who's that?

The most popular girl in town. Pacifica Northwest.

I always feel bad about myself around her!

I can't just give you the crown. It's sort of a competition thing.

(LAUGHS)

Honestly, who's gonna compete against me?

Fork girl? Lizard lady?

(LAUGHING)

Hold me, Candy.

Our kind isn't welcome here.

-Hey! I'll compete! -(BOTH GASP)

I'm Mabel!

That sounds like a fat old lady's name.

I'll take that as a compliment.

May the better partier win.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Nice meeting you! She's going down.

(PARTY CLAMOR)

Whoa, sounds like the party's getting nuts.

Let the battle for the party crown begin!

Mabel comes out strong! Watch out, Pacifica!

I've gotta get in there! Cover for me?

-(CHUCKLES) Um, well, I... -Thanks, man!

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll be back shortly!

I'm sure Stan won't mind if I'm gone for a few minutes.

Hey! What're you doing, kid?

These suckers aren't gonna rip themselves off.

Yeah!

You promised, remember?

I did?

DIPPER ON RECORDER: I promise.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(WENDY WHOOPING)

(SIGHING) If only I could be two places at once.

(WIND WHISTLING)

(COPIER POWERS UP)

I wonder if this is a good idea?

(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)

Whoa! I have a really big head.

-So, uh... -So, uh...

-Ha! Sorry, you first. -Ha! Sorry, you first.

-Stop copying me! -Stop copying me!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Ahhh! Ow! Ow!

Funny bone.

I will call you Number Two.

Definitely not.

You know what name I've always wanted?

'TVrone! 'TVrone!

Okay, Tyrone, let's get down to business.

I'm thinking you cover me at the ticket stand, while I ask Wendy to dance.

I know the plan, buddy!

Hey, we're not gonna get jealous and turn on each other, like the clones in the movies, are we?

Dipper, please. This is you you're talking about.

Plus, hey, (SNAPS FINGERS) you can always just disintegrate me with water.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Phew!

(SCATTING TO MUSIC)

Great news, Wendy.

I got somebody to cover the concessions for me.

That's awesome. You can hang out with me and Robbie.

Robbie, you remember Dipper from the convenience store.

Uh, no. Yo, Wendy, check out my new guitar.

(PLAYS FANCY LICK)

Wow, cool!

(GASPS)

Robbie, you're a stupid, arrogant fraud.

But kiss me anyway because you can play guitar!

Oh, wait, I forgot something.

(GROANS)

Let's get married tonight!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, buddy, it's me, you. I just had the same jealousy fantasy.

We got to get rid of Robbie if I ever want to dance with Wendy.

Hey, Dipper, we're gonna go sit on the couch.

Meet us when you're done.

Oh, no! They're sitting on the couch! We gotta think of something quick!

I got an idea.

I got the same one. But we're gonna need some help.

(MECHANICAL HUMMING)

And that's where you come in, Number Three.

But what if Robbie catches me? I'll be all alone.

-Okay, one more clone. -Yeah, he makes a good point.

Four Dippers. This is a four Dipper plan.

(COPIER CLUNKING)

Uh-oh! Paper jam.

-Ahhh! -(SCREECHING)

(SCRATCHY LAUGHTER)

Come on, you're not gonna make me partner up with him, are you?

Shh! Don't be rude. Hey, buddy, hey. It's okay.

(SCREECHING SHRILLY)

Okay. Just one more clone.

(SINGING) Always means forever Always

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(BREATHLESSLY) Forever.

I used to sing like that, before my voice changed.

Pacifica pulls ahead!

Try and top that.

Oh, Grenda, by the way, you sound like a professional wrestler. (LAUGHS)

I wanna put her in a headlock and make her feel pain!

It's not over till it's over, sisters! Watch this!

Soos, get me the '80s-est, crowd pleasingest, rock balladiest song you got!

-(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) -Excellent!

(SINGING) Don't start unbelieving Never don't not feel your feelings

(ALL CHEERING)

I'm gonna do a flip!

That was for you guys!

(LOUD CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

Dudes, would the owner of a silver and red dirt bike please report outside?

It is being stolen right now.

Wait! What?

(RINGING BICYCLE BELL)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, come back here!

Oh, tough break!

I wonder who those guys are that aren't me because I'm right here.

Now we're gonna bring it down for a minute.

Ladies, dudes, now is the time.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Ah, snap! I love this song!

Hey, goof us, now's your chance to ask...

Now's your chance to ask Wendy to dance! Come on! Go!

I, uh...

(GRUNTING)

I'll be right back.

Oh, I agree. You can't just go and dance with her.

The dance floor is a mine field. A mine field, Tyrone!

What if there's a glitch in the sound system?

Stan might get in the way.

Robbie might come back.

There's too many variables! We need help.

(MECHANICAL HUMMING)

(INDISTINCT)

All right, Dippers! Gather round!

Now's the time! You all clear on what to do?

Hey, Soos, look! A glowing dot!

Oh, man, I'm so glad I turned my head. That dot does not disappoint.

Right, like I'm gonna fall for that.

Give me that money! Money!

-(BELL RINGS) -There's your cue.

It's the perfect moment to ask Wendy to dance. Good luck, me!

I don't need luck. I have a plan!

-(YELLS) 'Qh, hey, man. What's up?

What are you doing here?

I mean, wouldn't you rather be out on the dance floor?

Uh, in like, exactly 42 seconds?

I'm just waiting for the bathroom.

Um... Okay. Small talk, small talk, small talk.

So, hey, let's say everyone at this party gets stuck on a desert island.

Who do you think the leader would be?

I, uh...

I think I'd go with this lunatic.

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

I'd probably go for stretch over there.

Er... Because tall people can reach coconuts?

(CHUCKLES)

Speaking of tall, you want to see something?

Those are my three brothers, and I'm... Boop.

Ha! You were a freak!

Yep.

You know, kids used to make fun of my birthmark before I started hiding it all the time.

Birthmark?

No! It's nothing! (STAMMERING) I... Why did I say that?

No way, dude. Now you have to show me!

(CHANTING) Show me! Show me!

The Big Dipper! That's how you got your nickname.

I thought your parents just hated you or something.

Hey, I guess we're both freaks!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Wait here? -Of course!

-(DOOR CLOSES) -Hey! What're you doing up here?

Number 10 has been distracting Soos for 15 minutes.

He's gonna get tired of that dot eventually.

SOOS: Never!

You won't believe it, guys! I bumped into Wendy accidentally and things are actually going great.

That's nice. But not the plan! Do we have to remind you?

(INDISTINCT)

Oh, man, you guys sound crazy!

Look, maybe we don't need the plan anymore, you know?

Maybe I could just go talk to her like a normal person?

-(GASPING) -You bite your tongue!

If you're not gonna stick to the plan, maybe you shouldn't be the Dipper to dance with Wendy.

-If you think about it... -(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Guys, come on.

We said we weren't gonna turn on each other.

I think we all knew we were lying.

No, no. Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! (SCREAMING)

No, wait!

(MONOTONOUSLY) Ahhh. I can't breathe in here.

TYRONE: Yeah, you can! Plus, there's snacks and a coloring book in there for you.

(SIGHS)

(CHOMPING ANGRILY)

Okay, so now that original Dipper, or "Dipper Classic," is no longer fit for it, I nominate myself to dance with Wendy instead.

I've been around the longest, so it should be me, right?

I mean, logically. Logically, guys.

Fair point, fair point.

Counterpoint: maybe I should get to dance with Wendy because I've been around her the least.

That makes, like, zero sense.

-You make zero sense! -Watch it!

Don't shove people!

(SHRILL SCREECHING)

Hey, you want some cheese and crackers, buddy?

(WHEEZING)

Huh? Huh?

Yikes. Hey, guys, what would you do if you were trapped in a closet?

ALL: Break out!

(PANTING)

Wendy...

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

Come on, man, give it up. You're overpowered.

Hold on, guys. Think about it!

We're exact equals, mentally and physically.

If we start fighting, it'll just go on for infinity.

-It's true when you think about it. -Oh, yeah.

Maybe we should just give up.

(GROANS)

Clone fight!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Hey, you! Quit hitting myself. Quit hitting myself. Ow!

Guys, guys, come on, it's me!

Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away!

No, friends, it's me, Number Seven.

That's not me, guys! That's not me!

Get him!

Stay back! Stay back!

(FIRE ALARM RINGING)

(ALL JEERING)

(SCREECHING)

(ALL GROANING)

Huh. How about that.

-You! -Uh-oh!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

One more song, dudes.

And then it's time for the bestowing of the party crown.

-It's gonna be the... -(b*mb EXPLODING)

Nailed it.

Pacifica, I just want to say that whoever wins, it's been a super fun party.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Aw!

It thinks it's gonna win. Hey, did you hear that?

People clapping for the weird girls? Yeah, me neither.

(STRAINING)

Say it! Say I can dance with Wendy!

Never!

(WENDY GIGGLING)

-Wendy? -Wendy?

(INDISTINCT)

Robbie!

-(BOTH LAUGHING) -Shut up!

(BOTH SIGHING)

-We blew it, man! -We blew it, man!

I don't know, you wanna go grab a couple sodas or something?

-(PEOPLE CLAPPING) -Let the party crown voting commence!

(BELL muss)

Good luck, Mabel.

Applaud to vote for Mabel!

-(APPLAUSE) -Yeah! Go, Mable!

Let's check the applause-o-meter!

Oh! Oh, pretty good!

And your next contestant, Pacifica!

(SCATTERED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

-Yeah. -(APPLAUSE INCREASES)

Uh-oh! A tie? This has, like, never happened before.

(FLIES BUZZING)

(SNIFFS)

(CACKLING)

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

The winner of the contest is Pacifica Northwest.

Thank you, Jorge! Thank you, everyone.

Everyone come to the after-party at my parent's boat!

Whoa-hon!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: (CHANTING) Pacifica! Pacifica! Pacifica!

(SIGHING)

Sorry I let you guys down. I understand if you want to leave.

But then we would miss the sleepover.

The what?

We want to call our moms and sleep over here with you.

You're, like, a total rock star.

I have magazine boys.

Really? You guys!

Maybe we don't have as many friends as Pacifica, but we have each other.

And that is pretty good I think.

Soos, play another song. This thing's going all night!

Way ahead of you, hambone!

Dance, dance, dance. Dance, dance, dance.

(ow|. HOOTING)

Some night, huh?

(SIGHS) You think we really even have a chance with Wendy?

I mean, she's 15, we're 12.

I don't know, man. I hope so, but we're making zero progress the way we're doing it.

The only good conversation you had with her was when you didn't do any of that list stuff.

I know. Mabel was right. I do get in my own way.

BOTH: Literally!

Whoa... (MIMICS EXPLODING)

-BOTH: Ah! -(STOMACH RUMBLING)

Oh, boy! Don't look now.

Tyrone!

It's okay, dude. I had a good run. Remember what we talked about!

Uh, of course!

Hey, and quit being such a wimp around Wendy, okay? For my sake!

(GURGLING)

Tyrone! You were the only one who understood.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLING)

MABEL: Dipper! Where have you been? Meet my girlfriends!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(EXPLODING)

(HORN HONKS)

MALE AUTOMATED VOICE: Yeah!

(CYMBALS CRASH)

(CAT MEWLING)

(POPPING)

(CHIMPANZEE CHATTERING)

(MAN RETCHING)

(MAN GULPING)

(BABY CRYING)

(MET ALLIC CLANK)

(CUCKOO CLOCK STRIKING)

(DOG BARKS)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Found it.