01x08 - Irrational Treasure

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(HONKING)

-(DIPPER AND MABEL MUNCHING) -(HONKING)

(CHUCKLES) Nacho earrings. I'm hilarious!

-That's debatable. -(HONKING)

Aw, come on! What's with all this traffic?

-And why is it all... Covered wagons? -(NEIGHS)

Oh, no. No! No!

-(GRUNTS) -(TIRES SCREECH)

Not today! Not today!

-(BRAKE SCREECHES) -Oh, heavens!

-Goodness! -(QUACKING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Grunkle Stan, what's going on?

We got to get out of here! Before it's too late!

They've circled the wagons!

We're trapped! No!

(COWBELL TINKLING)

I got a good feeling about today.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIGGLING)

-Man, look at the town. -Wow.

Dirty glass! We 901: dirty glass! Dirty glass!

STAN: Oh, boy. It's Pioneer Day.

Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded.

Welcome to 1863!

I will break you, little man!

-(SCREAMS) -(CRASHING)

Wow, look! Candle dipping!

McGUCKET: Gold! DIPPER: Whoa! Gold panning!

I now pronounce you man and wife.

I do!

What you talking about?

Oh, yeah, I remember this.

In Gravity Falls, it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers.

Oh, it's still legal. Very legal.

ANNOUNCER: (ON SPEAKER) Come, one and all, for the opening ceremonies!

-Grunkle Stan, you coming? -No, thank you.

Just remember, if you come back to the shack talking like these people, you're dead to me!

There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar.

Well, hornswoggle my haversack!

(BOTH SPITTING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Dead to me!

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Ye olde commencement ceremony is about to commence!

-Whoo! -(BELL TINKLING)

I got a bell!

Oh, no! Police! My purse!

Ring ring! Ring ring! Whoa'.!

(CHUCKLES) He sure loves his bell.

(FEEDBACK)

Howdy, everyone! You all know me, Pacifica Northwest, great-great-granddaughter of town founder, Nathaniel Northwest.

I'm also very rich.

(PEOPLE CHEERING AND CLAPPING)

Now, if you've got the pioneer spirit, we ask you to come on up and introduce yourself.

(GASPS) Audience participation!

I don't know, Mabel.

Isn't that girl kind of like your arch enemy?

That's water under the bridge. (CHUCKLES)

Our first newcomer is Mabel.

Yeah! Let's get this Pioneer Day started! (BLOWS)

Right, guys? USA! USA!

ALL: (CHANTING) USA! USA!

(TEARFULLY) USA! USA!

I'm sorry to break it to you, but Pioneer Day is for serious people, and you look and act ridiculous.

I mean, a puppy playing basketball? Are you always this silly?

Hey. I can be serious. (GRUNTS)

You do have nachos hanging from your ears, hon.

(CHUCKLES) Wow. I'm embarrassed for you.

Give her a hand, everybody!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Now, who wants to hear more about me?

(GRUNTS) Excuse me!

Everyone say, "Northwest!"

-ALL: Northwest! -(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CHUCKLES)

We're perfect.

Hey, you okay?

-I need some old-time y butterscotch. -Let's get out of here.

-(TIRES SCREECH) -(BRAYING)

Hey there, uh, donkey boy. Give me a hand with my car, huh?

Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car."

Pray tell, what is this magic wheel box?

Ugh! Come on, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete's sake.

Cut me some slack!

"Slack"? I am unfamiliar with this bold, new expression.

-I can't take this anymore! -(GRUNTS)

I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!

Are we going to have to intervene here?

Oh, look, the "constable."

What are you going to do? Throw me in ye stocks?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, come on!

(SCATTING)

Hey, nice outfit, Gideon. You actually look less girly than usual.

(LAUGHS)

Why, Stanford. I'm just a humble tomato farmer selling his wares.

Whoops! I dropped one.

'(GRUNT$) 'Whoops!

I dropped another one.

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLS)

Pioneer Day!

Dipper, can I ask you something?

Do you think I'm silly?

Uh... No?

Ugh! I knew it. The nacho earrings, the sweater.

I thought I was being charming.

But I guess people see me as a big joke.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, Mabel, you love that sweater!

I did before Pacifica ruined it for me. She ruins everything!

Pacifica!

Why does she think that being related to the town founder means she gets to treat everyone like garbage?

Someone needs to take her down a peg.

(GASPS) Wait a minute!

I feel like I read something about Pacifica's great-great grandfather before.

Of course! Oh, this is perfect!

(IMITATING AN OLD MAN) "In my investigations..."

-(STUTTERS) Should I do the voice? -Uh-uh.

Nah, I'll just read normal.

"In my investigations, I recently made a discovery.

"Nathaniel Northwest may not be the founder of Gravity Falls!

"I believe the proof of this secret

"is buried somewhere on the enclosed document.

"If only I could cr*ck the code."

Oh, man, if this cover-up is true, it means Pacifica's whole family is a fraud.

-This could be a major conspiracy. -Really?

I got to investigate this.

Wait! I'm coming with you. Conspiracies are serious, right?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Well, if I help you cr*ck this code, then nobody could ever call me silly again!

Yeah! Mystery Twins?

-I thought you hated that. -I'm starting to accept it.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is Sheriff Blubs. We've got a code sepia.

(SPITS) What? And what are you doing about it?

I'm following them right now.

Find them and stop them. There's no room for error.

I understand. Blubs out.

Deputy Durland, maintaining this cover-up is the mission we've been training for our entire careers.

-Are you ready? -Whoo!

(CHUCKLES) If being delightful was a crime, you'd be breaking the law.

-Let's go get 'em! -(BELL TINKLING)

-Whoo! -(CHUCKLES)

McGUCKET: Back in olden days, pioneers drew sustenance from telling stories around the fire.

So let's eat some books, children. Go ahead, eat the books!

(GROWLING)

All right, Mabel.

If we can prove that Nathaniel Northwest wasn't the real founder of Gravity Falls, it'll finally put Pacifica in her place.

And solving a mystery will prove that I'm not silly! I'm serious.

(MUNCHING)

Serious!

We just need to cr*ck this code. Let me see.

It's not Egyptian. It's not numerology.

It's not... Wait! Of course!

The triangle is the alchemist's symbol for flame.

Lighting the parchment on fire will reveal the secret message!

It's so obvious!

All right, let's just light this sucker up, and... Mabel!

Mwop! I just made a hat.

Ugh! I just did something silly again! (BLOWS)

Wait, Mabel. You folded it into a map!

And I was going to burn it.

We were on the lookout for two kids who might be reading.

We're hunting 'em down for secret reasons!

-Whoo! -(BELL TINKLING)

Nerp.

Maybe we should take this elsewhere.

The map should lead us to the Gravity Falls Museum of History.

You realize what this means, Mabel.

We're going to have to break in.

And those are your free Pioneer Day passes, and your balloons, blue and pink.

We're in.

What are we going to do next? Steal Thomas Jefferson's ribcage?

Ew. No. According to the map, the next clue about the real town founder should be right here!

We have to figure this one out quick.

I have a feeling those cops weren't at the library to check out books.

I don't think the one with the bell can read.

So what is it, anyway?

BOTH: Hmm.

Hmm...

Hey, painting! Be less stupid!

-(GASPS) It worked. -Huh?

Wait. It's not abstract, it's upside down.

I think I've seen that statue in the cemetery.

Let's go! Quick!

(BOTH GROAN)

Head rush.

I'm sorry, but we're all out of pink balloons.

Why did we even come?

GOVERNMENT AGENT: (OVER RADIO) Officer Blubs.

-Blubs here. -Have the targets been apprehended?

Negative, but we're close. I promise. Those kids will never get past us!

-(BOTH PANTING) -Hey! Wait!

(BOTH YELP)

Dang it!

For the last time, we are not going south for the winter! Our home is here!

You always say that!

Come on. (GRUNTS)

Come on. Argh!

Well, if it isn't Mabel's uncle, Mr. Pines. Looking for this?

Yeah, yeah. What do you want? Money?

I want you to say that the Northwest family is the best family in Gravity Falls.

Oh, sure! You want that in writing?

(GRUNTS) Mmm-hmm.

There we go.

-Ha! I did that with my mouth! -(WHISTLES)

Gah! Come on!

DIPPER: Hmm.

The statue must be pointing to the next clue.

Oh, gross, she's picking my nose! (CHUCKLES)

-(cRAc| -(GRUNTS)

Mabel, look!

Ha! Who's silly now, Pacifica?

Bam! Ah, ow, ow!

Okay.

Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode! I feel so serious!

(MUNCHING)

Okay, look out for booby traps.

(SNICKERS) Booby traps.

-(THUDS) -(SWISHING)

-Tranquilizer darts! -(SCREAMS) Whoa!

(BOTH PANTING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

It's a treasure trove of historic-y secret-y things!

Oh, man! Ben Franklin secretly was a woman!

Hey, jackpot!

Now we'll find out who the real town founder was.

"Let it be here recorded that Nathaniel Northwest, "fabled founder of Gravity Falls, was in fact, a fraud!

"As well as a waste-shoveling village idiot?"

(LAUGHS)

Oh. Bad news for Pacifica. Wait till the papers hear about this!

Once people see that I uncovered a historical conspiracy, they could never call me silly!

"The true founder of Gravity Falls

"was Sir Lord Quentin Tremble y III, Esq."

Who's Quentin Tremble y?

That's none of your business!

(BOTH GASP)

-Whoo! We gotcha! -(BELL TINKLING)

Whoa'! Whoo.

(GRUNTS) Whoo-hoo...

He got hit with quite a few of those darts.

I hate to do this, but Quentin Trembley's a matter of national security.

Yeah! Whoa...

I think I might be colorblind now.

What do you mean, "national security?"

And who is Quentin Tremble y, anyway?

See for yourself.

MABEL: Ugh! It's black and white!

DIPPER: Shh! Mabel!

If you're watching this, then you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information.

In fact, I myself will be sh*t as soon as the filming is complete.

What, no? (CHUCKLES) Oh, well, that's a relief!

Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Tremble y, the eighth and a half President of the United States.

-President? -Eighth and a half?

After winning the 1837 election in a landslide, Quentin Tremble y quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president.

He waged w*r on pancakes, appointed six babies to the Supreme Court, and issued the De-pants-apation Proclamation.

His State of the Union speech was even worse.

QUENTIN: The only thing we have to fear is gigantic man-eating spiders!

NARRATOR: He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley he named Gravity Falls, after plummeting into it at high speed.

Trembley's shameful term was erased from history, and officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as President, and local nobody, Nathaniel Northwest, as founder of Gravity Falls.

The whereabouts of President Trembley's body are unknown.

Until now.

Whoa! Is that, like, amber or something?

The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle.

Smooth move, Mr. President!

Finding Trembley's body was our special mission.

And now, thanks to you, it's complete.

Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's trail of candy wrappers!

Oh, silly.

Now that you know the truth, well, we can't let you go around talking about it.

-Does that mean... -Are you going to k*ll us?

Oh, no!

Now, now, calm down now, buddy, calm down.

We're just going to escort you and all this stuff back to Washington.

You ain't coming back, by the way.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

Whoo-hoo! We got fold-out beds.

Good thing I brought my book of spooky ghost stories.

I brought rope for friendship bracelets.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

MABEL: Anyone there? Help, help, help! DIPPER: Hey! Let us out!

(SIGHS) I can't believe I left a trail of candy wrappers.

This is all my fault. Pacifica had me pegged all along.

I'm just a silly failure like that embarrassing President Whatshisname.

(MUNCHING)

(CRACKING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

It is I! Quentin Tremble y!

You're alive! But how?

Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties!

You're not silly. You're brilliant!

And so are you, dear girl.

For following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb!

He's right! Making maps into hats, hanging upside down.

Your silliness solved a code that serious cops couldn't cr*ck in 100 years!

Oh, stop it!

By Jefferson! We seem to be trapped in some sort of crate-shaped box.

It's a crate, Mr. President!

Good thing I have the President's Key, which can open any lock in America!

(GRUNTS)

I don't think that's going to work.

Wood! My age-old enemy.

In order to get out of here, this is going to take the silliest plan ever conceived.

I think I know who can help you.

Hmm.

How about that hole?

-We will leap through it! -(BOTH GRUNT)

-QUENTIN: Almost! Almost there. -(MABEL GRUNTS)

Good! Keep pushing!

I'm not sure this is working.

Trust the silliness!

QUENTIN: Fiddlesticks! Keep going!

Is that my third wife? Sandy?

Well, we didn't fit through the hole.

Let's rebuild the box and try again.

-We got to get out of here! -Also good!

Blubs?

(ALL PANTING)

ALL: Huh?

QUENTIN: Huh! (GRUNTS)

Gimme that!

(BREATHLESSLY) There is no escape.

Let me... I got to take a knee.

Are you okay? Can I get you anything?

Edwin Durland, you are a diamond in the rough.

Sheriff Blubs, do you really wanna lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?

I've got no choice. Our orders come from the very top.

Wait! Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?

No, sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window.

Then technically, you're still legally the President of the United States! Right?

-You got to answer to this guy now! -BOTH: Huh?

As President of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened.

And go on a delightful vacation! Ow!

Yes!

Vacation? What place have you always wanted to visit?

One, two...

BOTH: Silly Water Fun Slides in Grand Lakes, Michigan!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

' BYe- bye, eve ryo ne! Bye! BYE! Bye- bye!

You've done a great service to your country, Mabel.

As thanks, I'd like to make you an official U.S. Congressman!

I'm legalizing everything!

-And Roderick. -Uh, actually...

You, dear boy, are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land.

So, I'd like you to have my President's Key!

And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for, like, three hours.

Bottom line, George Washington was a jerk.

Ag reed.

(GIGGLING)

Uh!

Kick her off the team.

Hey, Pacifica! I uncovered a government conspiracy about the eighth and a half President of the United States. Who's silly now?

What? Who is that idiot?

Put up your dukes, you bald fiend!

The eighth and a half President of America!

I know what you're thinking.

How is he still alive?

Well, turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle, and...

(LAUGHING)

Wow! You really are a sad, dumb little girl. Nice top hat, by the way.

-(LAUGHING) -(CHUCKLES)

Good one, daughter!

Oh! I see your car is stuck in the mud. Enjoy walking home!

Aren't you going to tell her about her ate-gray andpa-gray?

You know what, Dipper? I've got nothing to prove.

I've learned that being silly is awesome!

Well, I haven't learned anything! (WHISTLES) Hey, Pacifica!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Nathaniel Northwest didn't found Gravity Falls, and your whole family is a sham! Deal with it!

What? Mom!

Man, revenge is underrated. That felt awesome!

Children, I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I'll always be right here.

On the negative 12 dollar bill.

Whoa!

This is worthless.

It's less than worthless, my boy.

Tremble y, aWaY!

(WHINNIES)

Where do you think he's going?

I'm going to say off a cliff.

And then Soos came by and talked to me for, like, an hour!

You've been through so much.

-It works! -So what's with the top hat?

-I'm a Congressman! -Pardon me?

You are officially pardoned.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oy. You are never going to make sense, are you, kid?

No, I'm not, Grunkle Stan. No, I'm not.

Mabel, awaY!

-(GRUNTS) -(CRASHING)

I'm okay.

Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court.

I implore you to rethink your decision.

(ALL COOING)

Very well. But who would you have replace me?

-Mama! -That old crone?

(BABBLING)

Chief Justice Num-Num, you're spitting up on yourself. Now...

Oh... Oh, come on! This is a courtroom!

-I... This is a... -(BABIES CRYING)

This is a dark day for America.