01x09 - The Time Traveler's Pig

[bunniefuu]

(SAWING AND HAMMERING)

There she is, Mabel! The cheapest fair money can rent!

I spared every expense.

-(ROPE SNAPPING) -DIPPER: Ahhh!

I think the sky tram is broken. Also, most of my bones.

(LAUGHS) This guy. All right, all right, I got a job for you two.

I printed up a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates.

Go slap one on anything that looks like a lawsuit.

Grunkle Stan, is that legal?

When there's no cops around, anything's legal.

Soos, how's that dunk t*nk coming along?

Almost ready to go, Mr. Pines!

(RATTLING)

Ha! You got it rigged from here to Timbuktu!

There's nothing on earth that could knock me down.

Yeah, except for, like, a futuristic laser arm cannon.

(SCOFFS) Hey, you haven't seen my red screwdriver, have you?

Darn thing went missing.

Maybe some magical creature or paranormal thingum took it.

Oye, you've been spending too much time with those kids!

All right, let's see, where did I put that thing?

(DEVICE BEEPS)

The mission is proceeding as planned. Over.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

STAN: (ON MEGAPHONE) It's 12:00. The Dunk t*nk is now open!

-(FEEDBACK) -(ALL GROAN)

Step right up and dunk me, folks! I'm talking to you, cut-offs!

That's right, muffin-top, high pants. Who wants a piece of me?

(LAUGHING)

Come back any time, folks.

How do they get them into this shape? It's unnatural!

But Dipper, they're so delicious?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh, boo! I'll be right back.

I'll be right here! Heh.

(WHISPERS) I love you.

Look at you two! Getting all romantic at the fair!

Come on, it's no big deal.

Yeah, it is!

Okay, you're right. It is! Isn't this amazing? I just dove in! I said, "Hey, you wanna hang out at the fair?" And you know what she said?

Yeah, I guess so.

"Yeah, I guess so!" It totally worked!

All your advice about just going for it, it's finally paying off!

When are you going to learn, Dipper? I'm always right about everything!

Hey, do you smell a gallon of body spray?

Hey, either of you dorks seen Wendy around?

-Who wants to know? -Hey!

Yeah, I got some new super-tight jeans.

Thought she might want to check them out.

Yeah, you know, I think I saw her in the bottomless pit.

You should really go jump in there.

Maybe I will, smart guy.

(GROANS)

He is such a jerk!

Yeah. But he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar.

I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs.

Don't worry, brother, whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the... Oh, my gosh! A pig!

(MABEL PANTING)

If fen you can guess the critter's weight, you can take the critter home.

'(0INKS) -(GASPS)

He said "Mabel"! Either that or "doorbell".

-Did you say "Mabel" or "doorbell"? -(OINKS)

Oh, look, Mabel here found her real twin.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Pacifica.

Sir, I must have that pig!

Ah! Old Fifteen-Pound y.

So, how much you guessing he weighs?

Um, 15 pounds?

Are you some kind of witch? Well, here's your pig.

(SNORTING)

And you'll be needing these.

No? Suit yourself.

(WHISPERS) Everything is different now.

Whoa, check it out.

I don't know if it's a duck or a panda, but I want one!

My uncle taught me the secret to these games.

You aim for the carny's head, and take the prize when he's unconscious.

(CHUCKLES) Nice.

-One ball, please. -CARNY: You only get one chance.

And a-one! And a-two! And a... (GRUNTS)

Ow! My eye!

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Wendy, are you okay?

Does it look swollen?

Everything's gonna be fine! Don't worry! I'll... I'll go get some ice!

Where is she, where is she?

(GRUNTS)

Hey! Watch where you're going, man!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

ROBBIE: All right, just ease your eyeball into that Freezy-cone.

(SIGHS) Robbie, thanks. That's really sweet.

The gesture and the flavored syrup.

Yeah, I was just here in the right place at the right time.

You know, I've been meaning to ask you, we've been spending a lot of time together and I was wondering if maybe, you wanted to go out with me?

(WHIMPERS)

Yeah, I guess so.

Sweet!

Look, Dipper! I won my pet pig! His name is Waddles.

I called him that because he waddles. Waddles!

Everything is different now.

What are you looking at?

Oh.

MAN: Uh... Are you gonna move?

(MOANS)

(SIGHS)

MABEL: Paging Dr. Waddles!

We got a boy here with a broken heart. (CHUCKLES)

Come on, man! These are the jokes!

Mabel, do you ever wish you could go back and undo just one mistake?

Nope! I do everything right all the time.

(MIMICKING OINKING)

Wendy only went out with Robbie because he was there with the ice, and she only needed ice because of the baseball, and I would have had the ice if it wasn't for

(GASPS) that guy!

Hey, you! Tool belt! You ruined my life!

-Huh? -Don't "huh" me! I've seen you before!

What's your deal? Are you following us around?

And why are you bald? What's all that about?

(YELPS) My position has been compromised!

Assuming stealth mode!

Color match. Initiating color match. Come on! Dang it!

(SCREWDRIVER SQUEAKING)

That's amazing!

(GASPS) Are you from the future or something?

Uh... No! Who told you that? Memory Wipe!

This is a baby wipe.

(GROANS) All right, you've cornered me.

I'm a time traveler.

So wait a minute, if you're from the future, do you have, like, a time machine or something?

That's kind of how it works.

Could I borrow it?

DIPPER: Come on, can I use your time machine just once?

Out of the question! You know, this is sensitive, extremely complicated time equipment.

It looks like a tape measure.

You shut your time-mouth!

This making any sense to you?

(WHISPERS) I think he's just crazy!

Oh, you don't believe me?

Guess where I was!

BOTH: Whoa!

That's right! Fifteen years ago there was a costume store right here!

One second.

Oh, heck! Pat, pat down!

So, who are you again?

Blendin Blandin. Time Anomaly Removal Crew, Year Twenty Sfieventy Twelve.

My mission is to stop a series of time anomalies that are supposed to happen at this very location.

But I don't see any anomalies. I don't know if it's some kind of paradox or if I'm just really tired.

You know, you sound like you could use a break.

Definitely. Definitely.

Might we recommend one of the various attractions at the Mystery Fair?

You know what? What the heck! I'm worth it! But I got my eye on you!

(BLENDIN WHIMPERING)

One, please!

Sorry, dude, but you're gonna have to take your belt off for the ride.

One of your tools might fly off and accidentally fix something.

Guard it with your life.

I will watch it like a hawk, dude.

(CHEERING)

Like a hawk.

Here it is, Mabel. Our ticket to any moment in history!

Let's go get two dodos and force them to make out!

No! We gotta be smart about this.

All that paradox talk kind of freaked me out.

All I'm going to do is go back and fix my one mistake.

If I don't miss that baseball throw, I won't hit Wendy in the eye, and Robbie won't comfort her, and they won't start going out.

I'm coming, too! I want to relive the greatest moment of my life, winning Waddles!

-Muah! -(SNORTS)

See you later.

See you earlier! (LAUGHS)

(BEEPS)

(SQUEALING)

(EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)

(BOTH PANTING)

STAN: (ON MEGAPHONE) It's 12:00. The Dunk t*nk is now open!

-(FEEDBACK) -(ALL GROAN)

Step right up and dunk me, folks! I'm talking to you, cut-offs!

-Do-over? -Do-over!

If and you could guess the...

Fifteen pounds!

And yes, I am a witch.

Well, time to round up a mob.

Hey, Wendy.

There you are. Hey, what happened to your hat?

Uh... Nothing. Hey, look! What's that?

Whoa! Check it out. I don't know if it's a duck or a panda but I want one.

One ball, please.

CARNY: You only get one chance.

That's what you think.

One panda-duck, coming right up!

Okay, Dipper, second chance. Don't mess this up.

(GRUNTS)

Yes!

-Ow! My eye! -What?

Does it look swollen?

That's so weird.

WENDY: Oh, hey, Robbie!

So anyway, we've been hanging out a lot, and I've been wondering if, you wanted to go out with me?

Yeah, I guess so.

Sweet!

The exact same thing happened twice! It was spooky!

Ooh, maybe it's a time curse! Waddles, can you say "time curse"?

-(OINKING) -(SQUEALS)

Your face is so fat!

Is it possible that the forces of time naturally conspire to undo any new outcomes?

No, no. I just need to try again. Third time's the charm.

How hard can it be?

Light her on fire!

-(INDISTINCT CLAMORING) -Find the witch!

Ow! My eye!

Hey, you all right?

(MABEL LAUGHS)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

-(GROANS) -Ow! My eye!

Oh, bad luck.

Uh... Wendy, how badly do you want that stuffed animal thing?

More than anything in the world, Dipper.

(SIGHING) Okay.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

I love my pig!

If I adjust the ball for wind speed, factoring cotton candy...

Face it, Dipper, you're obviously fated to have a bad day at the fair.

Just like I'm fated to be with Waddles!

It's like there's one variable missing.

What's a variable?

Ha! That's it! I figured out a way to win the toss, not hit Wendy, and stop Wendy and Robbie from going out.

Awesome! I'm gonna go win my pig again!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't leave. I need you for my plan.

But what about Waddles?

-It'll just take a few minutes! Let's go! -Whoa!

(wmo BLOWING)

You gonna go, man?

And a-one, and a-two and a...

Aw, dude, you missed.

Did I?

(ALL GASP)

(ALL GROAN)

Hah!

Huh?

Your stuffed creature of indeterminate species, miss.

-(SQUEAKING) -Oh! Awesome!

-There you are, Wendy. -Hi, Robbie!

So I was wondering if, you...

Look what Dipper got for me!

(SCOFFING) Whatever. Can't even tell what species it is. Stupid.

What's his deal? (SCOFFS) Looks like I came to the fair with the right guy!

-(BELL DINGS) -MAN: We have a winner!

Anytime, broseph. Now, to win my pig.

(GASPING)

It's all yours! No one else's! Old Fifteen-Pound y! Yours! Forever!

(WADDLES SQUEALING)

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That was even more awesome the third time around!

(GASPS) Funnel cake! Let's go get some, Dipper.

(MABEL SCREAMING)

-(IN DISTINCT) -Ahhh!

-Mabel, what... -(SCREAMING)

-I'll just wait until you're done. -I'm done.

Okay, what is wrong?

We messed up the timeline!

Pacifica saw the flyer and won Waddles before I did!

She took Waddles, Dipper!

Oh, Mabel, I'm sorry!

(SIGHS) It's okay, we just need to go back

-and do things differently. -(GASPS) Mabel!

Wait! Look, I did the math, in any other timeline, Wendy ends up going out with Robbie! I can't mess this day up again!

But if we don't go, then I'll lose Waddles forever!

-Hey! -(BOTH GRUNTING)

Give it back!

DIPPER: Whoa!

(BOTH GRUNT)

When are we?

The real question is, "When are we?" Oh, wait, did you already...

-Yeah, I... I already... -'Cause I was gonna...

-Yeah, it's the same thing. -All right.

-Do you hear that? -(RUMBLING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH PANTING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Be on the lookout for mountain lions, travelers!

Dysentery? Who wants dysentery?

Forge ahead, mighty oxen!

For a new life awaits us on this Oregon Trail!

Where are we? The '70s?

You sent us back 150 years, genius!

It's pioneer times!

By Trembly! Fertilia! It seems you've given birth to two more children!

It appears I have! More little hands to render the tallow.

(CHUCKLES) Tallow? What?

Her mouth is filled with silver, mother!

These are called braces!

Mabel, we can't start messing with the past!

Oh, says the guy who messed with the past all day, and cost me my pig? I'll mess with whatever I want!

Check it out! A magic button machine! Shoes that blink!

ALL: Ohhh!

Hey, sister, guess who gets to vote in the future? Ladies! Up top!

That's called a high-five. Teach it to your friends.

Give me that! I'm gonna set the timeline right!

Hey! No!

-(ROARING) -BOTH: Ahhh!

Phew! (YELPS)

Run, run! Take cover!

It's coming!

(CACKLING)

This future seems neat.

I'm coming, Waddles!

Hey!

I seen it! I seen it again!

But enough about me. Behold... Me!

(PANTING)

(ROARING)

This thing is getting hotter!

Hot! Hot, hot, hot!

-What did you do? -I don't know!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

MABEL: Where are we?

DIPPER: It's nothing but inky blackness for miles!

Mabel, don't you see? We've transported to the end of time!

-MABEL: Whoa! -(DIPPER SCREAMING)

Wait, why does it smell so bad in here?

(KNOCKING ON METAL)

(BOTH PANTING)

Look! We're back in the present!

But which present?

The is the best present ever!

Yes!

(SQUEALING)

[[511 Give me that thing! Dipper, give it back!

Look, Mabel, it's over, okay?

Give it up! I've worked too hard to lose this.

But what about Waddles? He was my soul mate!

You said that about a ball of yarn once!

Do you really want Wendy to date Robbie?

I don't know.

You're not guilt-tripping me, Mabel. Not this time.

Come on, Mabel. I know you.

You're gonna forget about this in a day.

Here, hey, I'll prove it.

-See? -(THUDDING)

Okay, maybe you'll forget in a week.

A month. She'll be better in a month!

Waddles. Waddles.

And if you look to your left, you'll see Miserable Mabel.

-(CAMERAS CLICKING) -The girl who went bonkers after her dreams were shattered by some heartless jerk.

Oh, hey, dipper-.

(GROANS)

(SIGHING)

I don't know if it's a duck or a panda, but I want one.

(SIGHING)

Wendy, I just wanted to say that...

Well, I just wanted to say that people make mistakes, and when they do, you should forgive them.

And also, that tight pants are over-rated.

Dude, you lost me.

I know. One ball, please.

CARNY: You only get one chance.

And a-one, and a-two, and a...

Ow! My eye!

-Hey, Wendy? Are you okay? -(GROANING)

You know, this is the perfect time for me to, ask you something.

-It is done. -(MABEL GRUNTS)

Dipper! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

(OINKING)

He's saying "Thank You" in Pig! Aren't you, Waddles?

(OINKING)

-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! -(CLUCKING)

I couldn't break your heart, Mabel.

Besides, there's no way Wendy can date Robbie all summer, right?

-You two! -(BOTH GASP)

(SQUEALING)

Do you have any idea how many rules you just broke?

I'm asking, I wasn't there with you. It was probably a lot, right?

Blendin Blandin.

(YELPS) The Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron!

That's right. And our phones have been ringing off the hook.

There's settlers high-fiving in the 1800s.

And calculators littered through eight centuries!

You are under arrest for violations of the time travelers' code of conduct.

(STUTTERS) It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles!

That's a pig, Blendin.

I'll get you for this!

I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet!

Well, we're still here.

Guess he forgot to go back.

Ha! You suckers!

Your pockets are empty and I'm still sitting high and dry!

(ALL JEERING)

(LAUGHING)

Yeah. "Boo. Boo." I love it.

Hey, biceps! Yeah, I'm talking to you, haircut.

Take your best sh*t. Ha!

(SCREAMS)

(ALL CHEERING)

(GURGLING)

So, I guess we never found out who was causing those time anomalies Blendin was looking for.

Wait, Mabel, I think it was us!

Ugh! My brain hurts.

Aw, jeez, I've gotta deal with this all summer.

(CHUCKLES) It's good. It's caramel.

I'm on it.

(SNIFFING)

-(SQUEALING) -Ahhh!

My pants! They're shrinking! (GRUNTING)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(WADDLES OINKING)

(LAUGHS AND GAGS)

Oh, man.

(SIGHS) That'll do, pig.

(OINKS)

That'll do.

You have broken the eternal laws of space-time!

I beg your mercy, Time Baby!

You now must clean up all of the anomalies.

(VOCALIZING)

Old Man McGucket, local kook. Are the wax figures alive, and...

(ROARING)

What're you looking at?