01x10 - Fight Fighters

[bunniefuu]

This is it, dudes. My favorite place in Gravity Falls.

Everything I know, I learned right here.

A frog taught me how to cross the street.

When my house was haunted, I learned how to eat ghosts.

-And this thing taught me how to dance. -Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I've been jiggin' for seven days straight!

Uh, Soos?

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Let him have this.

-(BEEPING) -What?

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

(BEEPING)

(GROWLS)

-DIPPER: Ah! Oh! Watch out! -(WENDY LAUGHING)

-Whoa! Ooh! Cut scene! -(GAME MUSIC PLAYING)

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

Kick butt!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Go, go!

Fly! Kick! Punch!

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

What? You cheated.

You take that back!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Round tWO!

I'm gonna punch the ref.

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

DIPPER: Let's g*ng up on him.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Wendy! What's up, babe?

Yeah, just puttin' up some fliers for my band. I'm lead guitar. No biggie.

Are you wearing mascara?

Uh, it's eye paint for men!

Hey, Robbie. Dipper was just showing me this great game.

Ah, yeah, sweet, sweet.

Hey, how's about you sit this one out, 'kay, champ? (CRACKING KNUCKLES)

But we just started this round.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, relax, man. I'm just trying to spend a little time with my girlfriend, all right?

It'll just be one round.

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

So, hey, I'm going camping tomorrow with my clad, so I won't be around.

Oh, cool, cool. Watch out!

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

GAME ANNOUNCER: Opponent sighted. Fight!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

King me!

-(CHUCKLES) -(ALL GROAN)

-Come on! -It's not fair!

She doesn't even know what we're playing!

Go Fish?

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(RATTLING)

Dude, I think I'm picking up a radio station inside my head.

Try blinking to see if you can change the channel!

(GRUNTING)

ROBBIE: Wendy!

-Sounds like Robbie. -Robbie?

Is he that jerky twerp I see making goo-goo eyes at Wendy all the time?

He called me "Big Dude" once.

I mean, I know I'm a big dude, but it kinda hurt.

-Should I sic Waddles on him again? -(SNORTS)

Whoa, easy, tiger.

I'll handle it.

ALL: Whoa! (CHUCKLING)

Conflict!

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy Wendy! Come on out, girl! Come on down!

-You realize she's not here, right? -Pshh.

Yes. What?

She's out camping with her family today.

Maybe if you listened to her, for once, you'd know that.

What was that?

I just said she's not here.

No, no, no! You wanna get into it, huh? Let's get into it, kid!

You think I don't know what's been going on, huh?

It's obvious you've got a thing for my girlfriend.

Don't you? Don't you!

What? No! Come on, man!

Yeah, I'm sure she's just dying to ask out a 12-year-old kid who wears the exact same shorts every day.

Hey, here's an idea. Why don't I call her right now and see if she wants to go out on a date with you?

Hey, look, don't... (STUTTERS) You don't have to...

"Uh! Don't! Please, man!" What are you gonna do? Huh? Huh?

-(LINE RINGING) -Uh, what? What?

-WENDY: Hello? -(GRUNTS)

MY Phone!

(STUTTERS) I'll buy you a new one.

Oh, no, you're not getting off that easy.

Hey! I know a fight when I see one! Stay right there!

(GRUNTS)

You, me, Circle Park, 3:00. We finish this.

Aw, he's gone? I was just gonna call the boys over to place a few bets.

The smart money's on Skinny-Jeans.

(GRUNTS) What was I thinking? I can't fight!

I've never been in a fight before! Look at these noodle arms!

Just bonk him over the head! It's nature's snooze button.

Boys!

Why can't you learn to hate each other in secret? Like girls do.

Sure, listen to your sister. (SNIGGERS) Maybe you can share dresses, too.

-Boom! -(RATTLING)

Maybe he'll just forget about it. Maybe it'll all blow over.

I don't know, Dipper, teenagers are dangerous.

Those hormones turn them into, like, k*lling machines.

-(STUTTERS) Really? -Oh, yeah, dude.

My cousin Reggie got in a fight with a teen once.

The guy broke, like, all his arms, all his legs, and I think k*lled him or something, I don't know.

Me and Reggie were just talking about it.

(GASPING)

I can't stay here. What if Robbie comes back? I gotta hide!

Look, kid, you got yourself a choice here.

You can either go face him like a man, or you can hide indoors like a wimp.

What'll it be?

Wimp it is!

Come on, Soos, Robbie's, like, twice my size!

I mean, what would getting myself k*lled accomplish?

I just need to hide here until 3:00 passes.

(SIGHS) This day will never end!

Relax, Dipper. Just try not to think about Robbie.

(GASPS)

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

-Girl! Why you ackin' so cray-cray? -(CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: Why You Ackin' So Cray-Cray?

Will be back in a moment.

-(SNORTS) -Poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie.

Unable to face his fears!

Fears are for chumps! That's why I don't have any.

(GRUNTING)

You want me to go get a ladder?

-We don't have one. -What?

You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded g*n. That's why I own 10 g*ns.

In case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder.

Grunkle Stan, why you ackin' so cray-cray?

You're the one who's ackin' cray-cray! I gotta go now.

Why would Grunkle Stan be so weirded out by ladders?

Of course!

-I think he has a secret fear of heights! -(OINKS)

We'll have to test him to be sure. Or we could leave well enough alone.

Nah!

(GAME MUSIC PLAYING)

Man, I wonder what it would be like to go inside a video game for real.

I should have thought of this years ago!

(GRUNTS)

-(BEEPS) -Stupid Robbie. Such a jerk!

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

(SIGHS) That's easy for you to say. You have more than one life.

(SIGHS)

I wish one of these guys could fight Robbie for me.

Huh?

"To unleash ultimate power"? I do like things that are ultimate.

Back, back, hold, forward, back, forward, down, hold, quarter circle forward, triple punch!

I guess it didn't work.

(RATTLING)

Uh, Soos?

(expl*si*n)

GAME ANNOUNCER: Select your character!

Uh...

Rumble McSkirmish?

(BEEPING FAST)

Feet-feet-feet-spinning-kick!

You're real?

BOTH: High five!

Ow! Your pixels are really sharp! (GRUNTS)

Greetings, child-boy! I am Rumble McSkirmish, from the USA.

(GRUNTS)

-Kick! -Ow!

-Cool! -(THUDDING)

Change machine! Change me into a powerful wolf!

(YELLS)

With Rumble around, Robbie will be so scared I won't even need to fight him!

I've got the world's greatest fighter to be my bodyguard!

-(ALARM BEEPING) -I need power-ups!

This is so amazing! I gotta show Soos.

Soos?

(com JANGLING)

'Help! I'm trQAaH! plied in th e 9ame|

It was cool in theory but in practice it was really boring.

(SCREAMS)

It's not just a game anymore.

All right, Waddles, it's time to begin Operation Get-Stan-Over-His-Fear-Of-Heights!

(OINKS)

I came up with that name.

-(MUTTERS) Huh? -Happy Great Uncle's Day!

There's a Great Uncle's Day?

Of course it's not a day I made up!

High heels? You shouldn't have!

Seriously. What? What is this?

What's wrong? Are you saying these heels are too high?

Do they make you uncomfortable? Hmm?

-Maybe. -Admit it!

Admit you have a fear of heights!

What? That's why you bought me these?

You should be ashamed of yourself! And on Great Uncle's clay, no less.

But no, I don't have a fear of heights.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to World's Most Terrifying Skydiving!

(YELLING) Turn it off!

So I have a fear of heights. Is that really so cray-cray?

-(BUZZING) -(GRUNTS)

Well, we don't have any traditional power-ups, turkey legs, pizza boxes, or gold rings. How about half a taco?

Place it on the floor!

(BEEPING)

I wish I could do that.

Now I must defeat the world's greatest Fight Fighters!

Take me to the Soviet Union!

That's gonna be tough, for a number of reasons.

But I do know a fighter here in Gravity Falls.

Maximum power?

His name is Robbie V, and he's kind of like my arch enemy.

Did he k*ll your father?

Well, he's dating the girl I like.

And he posts a really annoying amount of status updates.

And then he k*lled your father?

Sure. Anyway, I was hoping you could, you know, scare him off for me, so I don't have to fight the guy?

(LAUGHS)

Your question makes my shoulders bounce!

Fireball! Uppercut!

Downercut! Bowl of punch!

So you'll protect me from Robbie?

Challenge accepted! Press start!

(BEEPS)

-(BEEPING) -(DOOR OPENS)

Uh-oh. I think I hear my uncle! Stay perfectly still!

I said stay still!

This is as still as I can stay!

How am I gonna get Grunkle Stan

-over his fear of heights? -(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, Mabel! Have you met Rumble yet? He's my new bodyguard!

The child gave me a taco!

Wow! He's got a crazy voice! Here, say these words!

"Effervescent! Apple fritter! Riboflavin!"

Mabel, he's not a toy, he's a fighting machine.

I'm going to get him to defend me from Robbie.

-Isn't that kinda like cheating? -I guess so.

Well, I'll see you after the fight!

"Poop! Poop and butts!"

Tell me my opponent's special moves!

Don't worry. As soon as he sees you, he's gonna wet his pants.

His wet pants will be no match for this!

Whoa! Where'd that come from?

I punched an oil drum!

Trust me, you won't need that. Just give him a good scare.

Yes! With this!

This street has really dangerous litter.

Hey, Grunkle Stan!

How would you like to go take a walk, nowhere in particular, while wearing a blindfold?

Eh! Beats just sitting around being old.

Wait a minute, you're not planning on taking me somewhere super high up, are you?

Grunkle Stan! I would never!

Scouts' honor!

All right, let's go.

(CHUCKLING EVILLY)

(BELL TOLLING)

Well, well, well, look who decided to show up.

I thought you'd chicken out. You ready to settle this like men?

Look, dude, I don't think you want to fight me.

Let's just call this thing off before someone gets hurt!

You scared? Huh? Is that it?

Okay, dude, you asked for it.

(THUDDING)

Who's your friend? And why is he blurry?

This happens to be the greatest warrior that ever lived.

Yeah, right! Hey, Eyepatch! What did the kid promise you?

More tape for your forearms?

(LAUGHS)

How can you laugh when you k*lled this boy's father?

Wait, what?

I'm giving you one last chance, back down or this guy's gonna go nuts.

How about you back down, kid?

You asked for it. Rumble, go!

(LAUGHS)

What the... (GRUNTS)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. (STUTTERS) What is happening?

I didn't wanna have to do this, man, but you gave me no choice.

Maybe now you won't mess with me...

'(LAUGHS) '(GRUNTS)

Whoa! Rumble, you can stop! I think Robbie's had enough!

-Rumble, throw! -(SCREAMS)

Stop! I said stop!

-(GRUNTS) -(CLANKING)

(STUTTERS) What the... That guy's crazy!

-(CRACKLING) -(GRUNTS) Fireball!

(GRUNTS)

What the heck was that?

You were only supposed to scare him! You almost k*lled him!

I will not rest until the man who dishonored you is destroyed!

-(ROARS) '(GRUNTS)

-Punch! -(TREES CRASHING)

This isn't good.

Something told me this would be his first stop.

-(GASPS) -(PANTING)

(ROARS)

Aah! Chill out, man!

(GASPS) Please, Rumble, you gotta stop!

-(GRUNTS) -(GAME MUSIC PLAYING)

'(GRUNTS) '(BEEPS)

'(GRUNTS) -(ROARS)

Rumble, wait!

(GRUNTS)

-(PANTING) -(GRUNTS)

Punch, punch, punch!

(BEEPING)

You don't have to do this! (PANTS)

At least pace yourself! You might get a cramp! (GROANS)

I love you, Dad.

(SCREAMS)

-(GAME MUSIC PLAYING) -(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

What!

(SPEAKING)

We'll just buy another one!

I love being rich!

All you can eat!

(PANTS)

(GRUNTS)

-Hi, dude. -Soos!

-Where have you been? -Uh. Long story, man.

Dude, did you see that video game guy destroying everything in sight?

(LAUGHS) It was crazy!

Yeah, I kinda sorta brought him to life to be my bodyguard.

But now I have to stop him before he kills Robbie!

You need an amiable sidekick with a pickup truck?

You know I do!

Take off your blindfold now!

Yeah, that's pretty much what I was expecting.

You're doing better than I thought! Now let go of the handrail.

-(RATTLING) -(STRAINED) Nope!

Hey, do you smell anger? And hormones?

(PANTING)

Finally, I'm safe!

Hey, Robbie! Get your own water tower!

Shh! Keep it down! He'll find us!

RUMBLE: Challenger sighted!

-(BEEPING) -(SCREAMS)

Time to save the day, dude.

You can hide, but you cannot hide!

Rumble! This has to stop! Please, listen to me!

-Kick! -(ALL SCREAM)

-What was that? -Oh, boy!

(GRUNTS)

-We're safe, right? -(RATTLING)

Of course not! This thing is on stilts! High, high up!

(GRUNTS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

No, no, no! Don't! Don't finish me!

(CRACKLING)

Rumble!

Rumble, I have something to tell you.

Robbie, Robbie didn't k*ll my father.

(GASPS) Then who did?

What? No one did. I lied to you.

Huh! Then you're actually a bad guy!

I guess I kinda am.

(GRUNTS)

RUMBLE: My entire journey, a lie. My honor has been insulted.

Sensei warned me not to join the path of evil.

The boy has led me astray from my teachings.

If Robbie V is not the last stage, then it must be you!

(BEEPS)

Dude! (PANTING) Don't fight him, man!

That guy's got, like, a black-belt wrapped around his black-belt.

-You could get k*lled! -I have to.

I started all this, and I've got to at least try to stop it.

You sure you wouldn't rather hide like a wimp?

(THUDS)

Fight like a man it is.

(BEEPING)

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

-(SHUTTER CLICKING) -(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

(YELLING)

(WHIMPERS)

-(CRACKLING) -Fireball throw, lightning ball throw, fire!

(GRUNTS)

-(GROANS) -(LAUG HS MANIACALLY)

You fight like a girl who is also a baby!

(GROWLS)

(YELLS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

Ooh!

(GRUNTS)

(BEEPS)

Oh, no.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

It was worth a sh*t.

(SCREAMS)

No! I have no "looking up" animation!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

What should I do? Roll him up and put him on my wall?

Dude, we should rock-paper-scissors for him.

(GROWLS) Fist punch rain!

(BOTH GROANING)

(GASPING)

Never underestimate that I have punches!

-(CRACKLING) -(YELLS)

(BEEPING)

(ROARS)

(SPEAKING)

-(GAME MUSIC PLAYING) -(BEEPING)

You, sir, truly are, the champion of champions.

(GROANS)

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

Winners don't lose!

I wouldn't be too sure about that, man.

(GAME ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

-What? No! No! No! -(BEEPING)

Game over, old friend.

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

Nice one, dude.

I'm sorry, Grunkle Stan!

I thought this would help but I was wrong! So wrong!

I survived!

I survived and I feel great!

Wait, let me do a cocky dance, just to be sure.

(SCATS)

Deal with it world!

Stan Pines has cured his fear of heights!

-You coming, kid? -Mmm-mmm.

Hey, what's the matter, you got a fear of heights now?

Uh-oh!

(GRUNTS) Whoa!

What? (STUTTERS) Who was that guy?

Why is it that whenever you're around there's always ghosts, or monsters, or whatever?

I don't know, man.

That guy almost broke my neck! You know how mad I am right now?

So I guess you and I have to fight now? Huh?

Go ahead, man. Do your worst. I just want to get this over with.

Oh, man, I am so gonna enjoy this.

-Aren't you gonna run? -Nope.

Are you sure?

(SCOFFS) It's not even worth it!

I play lead guitar so I gotta save my hands.

Hey, guys. I heard some crazy screaming out here.

-BOTH: Wendy? -You're back!

Yeah, man. Whoa!

What the heck happened here? Freak tornado or something?

(BOTH MUMBLING)

And why are your faces all jacked up?

You guys weren't fighting each other, were you? I hate it when guys fight!

No. Fighting? Never!

No. Why would we?

Yeah, we actually fell down trying to stop two other guys from fighting each other.

Cool. It really makes me happy to see my two boys hanging out.

I got some unpacking to do. I'll text you guys later.

BOTH: Phew!

Did you hear that? She called me one of her two "boys."

She was looking at me, though.

Look, Robbie, if we stay at each other's throats, we'll both lose Wendy.

We need to make a cold w*r pact.

Okay. What's that?

We need to learn to just hate each other in silence.

You mean, like, what girls do?

Yeah, exactly. "What girls do."

So then I told Thompson, "Hey, save some for the rest of us!"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Good one, Wendy! Yeah. -Good one, Wendy! That's great.

Oh, man! Just a second.

(GROWLS)

So as I was saying...

(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah, no, you're the best! Yeah.

-So fun, yeah. -You know you're great.

Everybody's friends! We're all friends!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm Dipper. I have shorts and determination!

(IMITATING ITALIAN ACCENT) It's me, Mabel.

I'm slower, but I jump higher.

Pick me, or whatever.

(CHOMPING)

(SNORING) Oh!

Alas, t'was naught but a dream.

(SNORING)

(CHOMPING)

Eating my friends.