02x05 - Soos and the Real Girl

[bunniefuu]

La La La La La La La-- Ahh!

Braces, braces caught in the screen door!

Someone dictate my will!

I'm giving it all to Waddles!

Say "ah," girl-dude.

Ahh-uh!

Soos! You saved me!

Just doing my job, hambone!

I'll see you dudes tomorrow!

Bye, Soos!

Night, Soos!

Night, Soos!

Doo doo doo...

Walking to my car...

You ever wonder what Soos does when he's not here at the Mystery Shack?

No. Not really.

Not once ever.

Punch!

Punch those leopards.

Ooh, highlights are done!

You are gonna make the other grandmas at the bingo hall so jealous.

Just a minute, mijo.

Look at this.

Your cousin Reggie is having an engagement party next month.

Wait, wait. Reggie is engaged?

But he's like the poor man's Soos!

I do not want to pressure you, but you are a man now.

In a way, it's time for you to start meeting girls.

I would like to see you settled before I ascend to heaven and live with the angels.

And with grandpa!

No, he is not there.

Please find a girl to bring to Reggie's engagement.

For Abuelita.

No problem!

I'm great at fixing stuff, playing video games, having a sort-of moustache.

I could totally get a date in a week.

Totally.

Piece of cake.

You're dead.

I'm dead.

Hello!

Please don't let my horrible, elderly face frighten you!

Don't you want to use that nickel to get a nugget from Old Goldie?

Watch this!

Okay, seriously, Mr. Pines, it's time to throw that thing out.

Its face reminds everyone of the inevitability of death.

What?

Sure, he's a little rusty around the edges, but Old Goldie's a classic show-stopper like me!

Oh, k*ll it!

k*ll it!

Huh, a woman!

All right, Soos, you could do this.

Just use your mouth to say words that makes romance happen.

Your face is good.

I'm a Soos!

Soos?

What was that all about?

I-- I think I was flirting!

But I'm not sure.

Did someone say flirting?

Well, I sort of promised my grandma I'd get a date by the end of the week.

But I've never actually been on a date before.

You belong on me, Out of Order sign.

Finally, my prayers for a chance to match-make this summer have been answered!

Soos, a little advice you need to get rich.

Or lie about being rich.

Outside of that, I don't like your chances.

Don't listen to Stan, dude.

You're a sweet guy with a steady job and a pickup truck.

Would you date him?

Oh... would you look at that...

Soos, you help us so much, it's time we help you, dude.

We're gonna get you that date.

We're taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die.

To the mall!

I'm gonna go find a replacement for Old Goldie.

Babysit Soos while I'm gone.

All right, Soos, are you ready to explode a charm b*mb on these poor, unsuspecting ladies?

Ah, but what if I embarrass myself again?

Ah, you can't be any worse at this than Dipper.

Yeah!

Wait... what?

And flirt!

Eye contact!

Hey there!

I'm not scared of your eyes at all!

I'm gonna look at them!

Eye contact.

Conversation!

You know I've actually been in a pig's body.

Did you know pigs have a hard time walking backwards?

Not you though!

Not that I'm calling you a pig.

Where are you going?

Confidence!

So you're probably a girl, right?

Wrong?

No, I was right the first time.

Wrong?

Tossing away garbage in the garbage can, whew!

Ah, don't look at me like that!

This is how it's got to be!

What in the--

What is this living nightmare?

Why do kids love it so much?

Who wants to get badgered?

Oh, yeah, that's Will E. Badger.

He opens for Hoo-Ha and the Jamboree.

It's Will E. Badger.

I love you, Will E.

Now, give me your money!

Take my money! Take it all!

Oh!

Sir, I would like to buy that badger.

You're in over your head, Gramps!

Animatronics is a young man's game!

You couldn't handle the hardcore life of the pizza robot manager.

Huh.

Flinched!

Hey, you, barfing in the ball pit, Gary's on the case!

I'm gonna get that badger!

Don't worry, Soos.

You will find the right girl, you just need to stick with it.

Ah, could this day get any worse?

Oh, no, cousin Reggie!

Feel it, it's muscle.

He can't see me like this!

I got to hide!

This is it, Soos.

A lifetime of loneliness.

You're the only ones who could love me...

Fighty Hogg, Dr. Punch Head MD.

Huh.

Never seen that one before.

"Virtually improve your dating skills, 9 out of 10 basement dwellers recommend!” This is perfect!

Well, I guess you are better at games than at flirting.

Anything to get you out there, Soos!

I'm not sure you want to buy that game, sir.

This is the third time someone's brought that back.

And there's a note on it that says destroy at all costs.

So, hey, there. What's your deal?

Like the-- Oh, she's dead.

We'll take our chances.

Man, I can't wait for the year 2000.

Uh--

Start!

When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen.

That is so true.

Oh, hi there.

My name is Giffany, I'm a school girl at school university, will you help me carry my books?

I'm really feeling number two here.

Click!

Ah. I messed up.

That's okay.

Try again.

Wow! I'm learning.

And games are making it fun.

What would you like to talk about?

I'd rather just click your face.

You are so funny!

Man, this game is amazing.

I don't know why anyone abandoned it.

And I'm sure, you'll never abandon me, new boy friend.

Boy friend?

Oh, my Giffany, it's almost like you're actually alive!

Yes, almost.

Oh, man, you have such a nice laugh.

You don't understand, Wendy.

This animatronic badger sings, it dances.

It's the perfect money taking attraction but he won't sell it to me.

This is literally too dumb for me to care about.

Hey, have you guys seen Soos?

We're supposed to help him with matchmaking today.

Yeah!

I wore my motivational sweater and everything.

I messed up that part.

He didn't come in today.

It's the first time he's missed work ever.

So that's basically my entire life story.

Now you tell me a thing about you.

Every time you compliment me, I get another highlight in my eyes.

Ah, you're pretty.

And pixelly.

And so agreeable.

Yes.

Uh, Soos.

Oh, hi, dudes, come in.

This game is amazing.

I'm making eye contact, going on dates and I haven't seen any natural sunlight for 13 hours.

Soos, maybe it's time to apply these skills with real girls.

But, I'm about to meet her parents!

Her dad is an octopus man.

We're going back to the mall, man.

You need to unplug!

I'll see you later, Giffany.

I'll be back, I swear.

Soos, you don't have to wish her goodbye.

It's just a game!

It's not like it's going anywhere.

Yes, it's not like I'm going anywhere.

Hello, time to read Soos's diary.

Dang!

Where all of them sweet honeys at?

I'll check the ladies bathroom!

It's love time, girls!

Get out there!

No time to wash your hands!

Get out of here.

It's time to date, date, date.

And here comes security.

I'll deal with this.

Stay here and practice on some real girls.

These girls have so many dimensions and no explanationy menus.

Ah, my purse.

Oh, no!

Undo! Undo!

You can't undo who you are.

Oh, man, this is the worst.

I wish I was back home with...

Hi, Soos.

Giffany!

Oh, man, I am so relieved to see you!

Although, sort of confused.

Oh, Soos, I am not an ordinary game!

I am special.

The programmers tried to delete me.

So I had to delete them.

What did you do to them?

That's not important.

What's important is you don't have to talk to real girls ever again.

You and me can be together... forever!

Wow, that's awesome!

Sort of a red flag.

But mostly awesome!

So what do you want to do now?

Anything you want, Soos.

Choo-choo.

Please insert 50 cents to continue.

Aw, man!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dude, that's awesome that you're a grown man riding a little train like that.

You're totally like owning it.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, I'm like, if it's fun, do it.

You know?

Exactly!

Being an adult is the worst!

Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills.

I just want to ride tiny trains all day.

At least you get to work at Meat Cute, extreme lunch meats are the food of the future.

I feel the same way.

I'm Melody by the way.

I'm Soos!

I tell you, if you like robots for kids, you should check out the best restaurant of all time.

You mean...

Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree.

What?

You've heard of Hoo-Ha Owl's?

I loved that place when I was a kid!

Oh, yeah, dude, there's one right in this mall!

I should show you sometime.

I'm free around eight?

Boom. Done.

Perfect.

I'll see you then.

What a nice lady.

Well, back to riding this tiny train for children.

Soos!

We saw the whole thing, Soos.

That was amazing!

You talked to a real girl.

And you got a date! I did?

Ah! Ah!

This is the best day of my life!

You were in the zone, you made eye contact.

It was like you'd done this a million times before!

Don't you see?

That game really worked!

You don't need it anymore!

You can toss it out!

Toss it?

But I like Giffany!

She's good to me!

She's predictable!

Soos, can a computer game go to Reggie's engagement party with you?

Uh...

Hey, Giffany, we got to talk.

Of course, I'm programmed to find everything you say interesting.

Well, have you ever had to choose between two things you like, but you don't know which one is right for you?

I mean, I'm just thinking long term.

Maybe I should be with someone a little less beep-boop, you know.

I don't think you know what you are saying, Soos.

No one loves you more than me.

The girls out there will just make fun of you.

You really think so?

I know so.

Besides, we had a deal.

You bought my game, you held my books, you are my boyfriend.

Now sit down in that chair.

I don't think I like the way you are acting.

I won't let another girl take you away from me, Soos!

Giffany, calm down.

You are mine, Soos!

Pause.

Oh, that got intense.

I'm sorry, Giffany.

Maybe having a cursed robo girlfriend wasn't a good idea.

I'm taking you back to the video game store after my date with Melody.

Hello, old friends.

I've got to be careful this time.

No more Colombian nights.

All right, Stan, this is weird even for you, you need to talk?

Nothing you could say will change my mind, Wendy.

Sometimes, a man has to steal an animatronic badger to stay in this crazy game called life.

Or you could just not care.

It's about the principle.

No one tells Stan Pines he is out of the game.

No one tells--

I'll get your orthopedic back pillow.

Thank you!

You can do this, Soos.

Just remember what your love crew taught you!

How does she look?

Nice!

What are her stories?

Interesting!

And who's gonna pay for dinner?

Soos is!

Now date!

They grow up so fast.

Itchy legs, itchy legs.

Oh, hi, Soos.

Melody!

Are you ready for a date with me?

I totally am.

Good show, man.

Way to warm them up!

I wish I was more like you.

Man, I could go for some complimentary bread sticks right now.

One time I was so hungry I ate the decorational bamboo in a Chinese restaurant.

Like a big old panda.

You're hilarious.

Well, you know, I just sort of say whatever pops into my--

Soos, are you okay?

No, I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

Are you sure?

You are spitting an awful lot.

Uh, could you sit tight?

I have go to the bathroom for a long time.

Not in a weird way.

Soos! What are you doing out there?

I got a big problem, guys, I am being stalked by Giffany.

Giffany?

Or maybe it's pronounced Giffany.

I was never really sure.

Soos, get a grip on yourself.

Giffany can't stalk you because she is not real.

Uh-oh.

Take it from someone who brought an arcade game to life. This will not end well.

Don't worry, I'm pretty sure she is stuck on TV screens.

Ah, a new challenger approaches, prepare to be--

Oh, boy.

So hey! Anyway, you want to move this date into the forest far away from all electronics and people?

What? But the floor show's about to start!

Who wants to hear Hoo-Ha the owl!

Hello, friends, Hoo-Ha the owl is dead.

This next song goes out to my forever boyfriend, Soos.

Soos, what's going on?

No time to explain!

We got to get out of here!

The only way out, Soos, is in my arms.

Capture them!

Done!

Out with the old, in with the new!

I feel invincible.

Ah!

What-- what the--

Who wants to get badgered?

Sorry, Soos.

But you can't run away from our relationship.

So about all this, I may have purchased a dating simulator that attained sentience and went crazy.

Oh, I am crazy.

Crazy for you, Soos.

Ah!

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Melody! I'll fix this!

It's me that she wants.

I'll distract her while Dipper and Mabel keep you safe.

It's the only way.

Soos, these are children.

The only way!

Over here, Giffany!

Stop!

On three, we split.

One, two-

Stay back, you monster!

Ah!

Yes, yes, get him, Goldie, get him.

I'm gonna eat your face like pizza.

I have got you surrounded, Soos.

There is no way out.

Please, let my friends go.

I'll do anything you want. I promise.

I seem to remember someone promising he will be my boyfriend.

Think about it, real girls are unpredictable, they judge you.

You really think Melody is going to take you back after this awful date?

I can download your brain into the game with me and we will be together forever.

Ah!

Stay back.

Come on, Soos.

Don't make me to leave you, too.

What do you say?

I say, game over, Giffany!

No! Wait!

You did it!

You old, beautiful monster!

You did it!

How's about you and me hit the town?

These old has-beens are going to Vegas!

I'm sorry for all this.

I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid.

Believe it or not, I've been on worse dates.

Really?

Never date a magician.

Ew! Why would I?

Oh, hey, you wouldn't maybe be interested in coming to my cousin's engagement party in a week?

I promise there is like zero robot badgers.

Yeah, I'll still be in town then.

Still be in town?

I'm going back home to Portland in a few weeks but we can video chat, if that's okay with you?

A relationship with a girl that I can only see through my computer, sounds perfect.

Spirit of love, we did it.

Yes, yes, I'm so happy.

Have you been following us all day?

Soos's life is my soap opera.

♪ Cash money! ♪

♪ Cash money ♪

♪ In the car with honey ♪

♪ Travel way too fast, I got money in my glass ♪

♪ Cash money ♪

♪ Grab ♪

♪ You can't stop the party ♪

♪ Cash money ♪

♪ We're old but we're awesome ♪

♪ We're gonna get married ♪

♪ It's a great idea ♪

♪ Who are you to judge? ♪

♪ This was a mistake, what-- ♪