02x14 - Stanchurian Candidate

[bunniefuu]

All right, Stan.

Another day, another random body pain.

Here we go.

Uhh!

Dear Stan, I needed something to carry milk in, so I used your slippers. Love, Mabel.

Uhh!

Ahh.

Dear Stan, I took these to build a planetarium suit for Soos.

Sorry! Dipper.

Uhh!

Whoa, let's not take this line.

There's an old person in it. Pshht!

Yeah, he's probably gonna pay with, like, pennies and w*r bonds.

Hey! For your information, I was gonna shoplift most of this!

Security!

Hahh! Smoke b*mb!

Aw, seriously?

Ahh. Rough start to a day, but it's all gonna be worth it when I fix that light bulb.

And we're done.

Does everyone see this?

This is what a hero looks like right here.

I thought we were out of light bulbs.

Oh, we were. So I invented my own.

It will last a thousand years, and the light it emits makes your skin softer.

Oh!

Never have I known such softness.

Anyway, where were you?

Well, TV, at least you appreciate me. Give me the good news.

The mayor is dead.

What?! Whoa! What's goin' on?

Raised by bears in the wilderness, Mayor Eustace "Huckabone” Befufftlefumpter was best known for raising the water tower, possibly starting World w*r 1, and putting town menace Gideon Gleeful behind bars-- in actual adult prison.

A memorial statue is already being carved in the deceased mayor's honor.

I'm sorry. It's just been so long since we've had real news.

I'm just so happy!

There will be a Town Hall meeting this afternoon to discuss replacing him.

New mayor, huh?

Wonder who it could be...

All right, order, everyone!

Calm down, now.

We're here to choose a mayor for the first time in almost a century.

According to the town charter, a worthy candidate is defined as anyone who can cast a shadow, count to ten, and throw their hat into the provided ring.

Well, now, I do believe I fulfill all the requirements.

Wait. Bud Gleeful? He looks good, considering we threw his son in jail.

That was a good day.

Now, folks, I know our family's had its fair share of whoopsie-daisies in the past, but I'd like to make up for it by formally announcing my candidacy for the mayor of Gravity Falls!

Any questions?

Yes. Are you still in contact with Little Gideon?

That's a great question!

I'm giving you fifty percent off a used car.

Fifty percent? Fifty percent?!

In fact, everyone look under your seats.

You get half off a used car, you get half off a used car... Better than cash!

Wow! A colorful piece of paper! He's got my vote.

Guys, I've got a really bad feeling about Bud Gleeful as mayor.

I don't know, dude, it's not like we have a lot of good mayor options.

Everyone in this town is a tad strange, except, ironically, Tad Strange.

Hi, guys. Tad's the name, and being normal's my game.

Loving you, Tad!

And I love bread.

It's a shame Ford isn't here.

He'd run and win and be a great mayor.

So, since everyone's happy, I'll just take the oath of office now, sound good? Gavel up.

Hold it right there, Bud!

I'm taking you on!

Stanford? No offense, but you're just some two-bit carnival barker, and your head is more ears than face!

Oh, yeah? Well, your face is more fat than... not fat!

Oh, snap.

What do you say, folks?

Are we just gonna let Bud win?

How about a real election?

Get in there, hat!

Well, looks like we got some competition here, folks.

Which I'm fine with, totally fine with.

I was gonna let bygones be bygones, Stan, but you just made a powerful enemy.

I'll win either way, and when I do, you might not like the Gravity Falls you wake up in.

Election! Election! Election!

Hee hee hee hee!

Let the madness begin!

Grunkle Stan, what are you doing?!

Running for mayor.

Did I-- Did I not make that clear?

Grunkle Stan, it's not that we think you can't do it, it's just... No, no, it's okay, Mabel.

We don't think you can do it.

Look, kids, the mayor kicking the bucket got me thinking.

I'm an old man and I'm not getting any younger.

My dumb brother's research is probably gonna make him famous, and what do I have to show for my life?

Do I really want "crooked grifter" on my tombstone?

How about "crooked mayor"?

Psst. Mabel, let's talk.

I know Stan isn't the best candidate-- heck, he's committing voter fraud right now-- but Bud's definitely up to something, and we're the only ones who can stop him.

You're right, Dipper.

Besides, Stan has a kind of charisma.

How hard could getting him elected be?

Spread the word, pig.

All right, everybody, eyes up here.

Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events: the Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw bird seed at the candidate they like most.

At the end, they release a Freedom Eagle, who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him, anointing him mayor.

I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

Okay, Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview?

I got my mouth, don't I?

Okay, you're on with the candidate.

You're listening to Falls Radio, 24-hour news and bear rampage alerts.

And now, here's the-T Man!

Hello.

Candidate Stan, first question:

How do you feel about the American flag?

Eh. I can take it or leave it.

Too many stripes. Next question?

I don't know about that.

What would you do to help educate our kids?

Heh! Simple. Put 'em on an island and make 'em fight for dominance.

Also teach kids swears.

That'll bring 'em into the real world.

What would you do about the crime in Gravity Falls?

Wait. Do you mean crime in general, or just the specific crimes committed by m--

Okay, interview's over.

Candy, what's the damage?

Your approval rating started at zero.

Now it's a number lower than zero.

You're meme-ing fast, and none of them are good.

Look, Grunkle Stan, people are like smell markers, and you're black licorice.

It's not that you're unsniffable, you just need to learn when to keep the cap on.

From now on, maybe you should just read our prepared remarks.

Heh heh! Sorry, kids.

I only say words that come out of my brain.

If my head says, "That lady's got an ugly baby," my mouth says, "Whoa, lady! You got one ugly baby!"” And he's insisting on speaking his mind!

So this is an emergency.

The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure.

Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that would allow you to control someone else.

Oh, wait. Of course.

Yes. There is.

A long time ago I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters.

Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head.

Whoa! This is amazing!

And ethically ambiguous!

As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to.

Thank you, Great Uncle Ford!

Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all.

Whoa, thanks for the slammin' tie, dudes.

These stripes are so slimming.

You really think this mind control tie is gonna work?

Flip the switch and test it out.

Whoa!

7 Oh oh oh, I'm a dancing dude

♪ I got the fancy moves and a bad attitude ♪ Ohh!

Ha! That's amazing!

Guys! Something weird just happened.

I'm really freaked out!

I am Soos-tron. Watch me eat this pinecone.

Mind control is awesome!

Oh, my gosh!

My life just flashed before my eyes! Ohh!

Education? Git it!

Prosperity? Git it!

A Gravity Falls we can be proud of?

Git 117

Do I really have to wear this thing?

It looks like a flag threw up on me.

Grunkle Stan, just trust your lucky tie.

And now, Stanford Pines!

You're on, Grunkle Stan!

Okay, we'll only jump in if he starts doing badly.

Hiya there! Stan Pines here.

Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?

Jump in! Jump in!

Uhh! Uh, what I meant to say was, you ladies all look great.

And have you done something with your hair?

Girl, you are workin' it!

That is exactly what I needed to hear right now!

Whew! I'm Stan Pines.

You may know me as that guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back.

But I believe in things.

America. Freedom.

Ameri-Freedom.

Good. He's saying all the right things.

Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears.

Now watch me break it down!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪ Uhh!

Grunkle Stan, that was amazing!

Yeah! How'd you do it, Mr. Pines?

Uh, I don't know.

I just opened my mouth and spoke from the heart.

Or gut. Or something.

What is that sound?

Why are people jamming their hands together?

It's applause!

Grunkle Stan, they love you!

They... love me?

Stan! Stan! Stan!

There he is! Mr. Pines, can we get a picture?

Yes we Stan!

Doggone it!

Gosh heck huckleberry honeysuckle darn it!

Excuse my language. I'm so sorry.

Oh, this is bad. This is real bad.

I need to speak with my campaign manager.

Please excuse me for a moment.

Look, I'm sorry about all this.

This is a minor setback, but we'll win, I'm sure of it.

Minor setback?

Minor setback?!

You listen, Daddy, and you listen good.

Prison is a nightmare!

I eat the same slop every day!

They have no hair products in here!

I can't sleep because my cellmate took my pillow for a wife!

You think I've been having fun in here?!

Hey, best friend! Don't be late for Friendship Bracelet class!

I have fingerpainting at the same time!

The mayor dying's my one ticket out of here, which is why you're gonna win this election, pardon me out of prison, and we're not gonna let the Pines get in my way again!

But-- but you don't understand.

He's going great in the polls. It's almost like magic.

Magic, you say.

Well, maybe it's time we fight fire with fire.

I been saving this for a long time, waiting for the right moment.

Boy, now, we discussed this.

No more spooky spells.

Well, Daddy, maybe you just need to have more of an open mind.

No, boy, not that!

Anything but that!

Aaaaah!!!

Ooh, it's him!

Lookin' good, mayor candidate.

Hooeey! It's the guy I'm gonna vote for!

Lookin' A-OK, Stanford, A-OK.

Tad, that means so much coming from you.

Hey-O!

Stan!

Now just the ladies.

Stan!

Now just the ladies my age.

Stan!

Woof! Never mind.

On the house, Mr. Big sh*t.

Now, this I could get used to.

Grunkle Stan, what's with the outfit?

You're missing your lucky tie.

Power tie. Gotta wear it.

Come on, have you seen the polls?

I could debate naked and I'd still win.

Huh. Come to think of it...

Ha ha. Seriously, though, we need you to wear that suit and tie.

Suit and tie. Gotta wear it.

Uhh! Why do you kids have to constantly tell me what to do?

Everyone in this town is finally showing me respect-- maybe you kids should, too.

Grunkle Stan, we'd respect you if you took things more seriously.

I am taking this seriously!

If you haven't noticed, everything's that's come out of this golden mouth has put us on top, with or without your dumb advice!

Dumb advice?! Yeah!

Dumb advice. Dang it, Stan!

Every one of those speeches we were controlling you!

Dipper! What?!

This tie is a mind control device invented by Ford.

If it wasn't for this tie, you'd be losing!

Well, you can tell that know-it-all Ford that he can keep his fancy light bulbs and magic ties.

I'm gonna win this debate on my own, without any of you!

Stan, wait! You can't!

Oh, this is bad.

If we want to b*at Bud, we need another candidate, fast.

What we need is a blank slate, someone totally suggestible, an empty piece of clay we can mold to our whims.

Hey, a little help, dudes?

I accidentally got my head stuck in my shirt sleeve.

I guess this is my life now.

Seed here! Support your favorite candidate by throwing election seed!

Welcome, all, to the final debate in what's sure to be, on a cosmic scale, a forgettable blip in human history.

And here come the three more popular candidates!

Oh! Hello there, Stanford.

Long time no see. Hee hee. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Don't you "tee-hee" me. I'll debate you into the ground!

Oh, but I have a widdle twick up my sweevie-weeves.

You're making me very uncomfortable right now.

But what's this?

One new candidate has entered the race!

Wait a minute. What?!

Those backstabbing...

Let the debate begin!

First question:

What's your position on axes?

Wait. I mean... taxes.

Easy. Taxes are the worst.

I propose we stimulate the economy by waging wars on neighboring cities.

We have the cannons.

Boo!

What? Uh...

I don't know much about taxes, but I can promise you a kitten in every pot.

That doesn't make sense, Mabel.

You don't make sense, Dipper!

Fwends. Fwends. Can't you see what's happening on this stage?

These politicians are dancing around the issues.

Well, I can sing round the issues!

♪ Crime is bad, crime is so, so bad ♪

♪ Vote for Bud and it ain't gonna be no crime ♪

♪ Crime's bad. Vote for Bud ♪ You may now throw your birdseed.

And now a quick intermission.

We're getting eaten alive back there.

Since when has Bud been creepily adorable?

I don't know! It doesn't make sense!

He's almost acting just like... like...

Widdle old me.

Aha! Hello there! Long time no see.

Except in my revenge fantasies where I see you on an hourly basis.

Gideon! I knew you were somehow behind this!

You've been controlling Bud!

And it seems you've been controlling Stanford!

I have to hand it to both y'all.

You've gotten much eviler since I last saw ya.

Daddy.

Let go of us!

Behold your grand view of the debate!

Once I win this election, I'll finally rule this backwoods town!

You'll never get away with this, you creepy little dork!

Oh, I'd be happy to spare you, Mabel--if you agree to be mine.

I even made you this wedding dress in crafts class.

Don't ask what it's made of.

Ew! I'd rather die, you creep!

Fine! Have it your way. Once I win, they'll hit the plunger for the fireworks display, finishing the mountain's construction, trapping you all inside.

I've been trapped behind concrete all summer-- now see how you like it!

Say hello to the next mayor of Gravity Falls, kids!

And that is why, um, the Statue of Liberty is our hottest landmark.

Boo!!!!

Awright, I lied. She's kind of mannish.

What do you want from me?

Ahh. You're dying out there, Stan.

Kids, you were right all along.

I shoulda listened to you when I had the chance.

Help! Help us! What the--?!

We're tied to a bunch of fireworks!

Kids!

Aah! Aaah!

Listen, everybody, this debate is over.

I gotta go save my family!

No, those--those are just some demolition dummies.

Nothin' to see here.

Can it, Gleeful!

Heeyahhh!

In a shocking turn of events, Stan Pines has run to the aid of two children who appear to be in danger.

And the crowd is loving it!

No! Stop it! Thank you, but stop it!

Get back, you terror birds!

Heeyahh!

Grunkle Stan!

Kids! Look, I'm sorry I was being stubborn.

I guess being the town's hero wasn't enough-- I wanted to be yours, too.

We're sorry, Grunkle Stan. We should have supported you, win or lose.

Probably lose.

I can still drop you, you know.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not again!

Time to take care of you once and for all!

Oh no! We have to get out of here!

Kids, if I die, make sure I get a bigger tombstone than Ford.

No! No!

Aaaaaah!

Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines!

Well, I guess we know who won.

Stanford Pines loses.

What?!

Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him due to discovery of an extensive criminal record.

Oh boy.

Stan, what did you do?

What didn't I do?

Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement," first-degree llamacide...

That llama knew too much.

Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork, local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker.

Got it.

We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes.

First-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking--

Whoo! At least they didn't list any of the bad ones.

On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs, and I need to move them fast.

I'm sorry, Stan.

I actually think you as mayor would have been fun.

Maybe it's for the best.

I got close the dream, though, kids.

Hey, I knit you something.

It's not official, but I think it fits.

Grunkle Stan, are you crying?

I got campaign confetti in my eyes.

Come on, kids, want to go vandalize Mayor Tyler's mansion?

Hey hey! Vandalism! Yay!!!

I'm sorry the election thing didn't work out for you, bro.

If it makes you feel any better, we're gonna throw a riot tonight.

Does someone want to throw a riot?

Thanks, Ghost Eyes, I'm just not in the mood.

This poster is the only thing keeping me going.

I'm finally ready to make a deal.