01x05 & 01x06 - Clowns

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To Sherlock Holmes she is always

the Woman.

I have seldom heard him mention
her under any other name.

In his eyes she eclipses and predominates

the whole of her sex.

It was not that he felt any emotion
akin to love for Irene Adler.

All emotions, and that one particularly,

were abhorrent to his cold, precise
but admirably balanced mind.

He was, I take it, the most perfect
reasoning and observing machine

that the world has seen,

but as a lover he would have
placed himself in a false position.

And yet there was but one woman to him,

and that woman was the late Irene Adler,

lady of very very dubious reputation.

Sherlock Holmes.

And now look here,

smile.

A birdie will fly out.

What if I blink?

Then we will make another photograph.

Is this scary?

Mary, please look at the camera, smile.

And now the birdie!

One, two,

three!

Story three. Clowns.

Doctor, isn't it true that a man
is a terrible creature?

He wants to adapt this world to himself.

What would you say?

Tell me, Holmes,

weren't you taught to knock
before coming in?

But why? Are you doing
something indecent here?

It is rude not to knock.

Not answering a question
is rude, as well.

- Your question is silly and pointless.
- Really?

But it's the basis of my whole method.

By the way, a man is a sl*ve of his
habits and desires; show me a thing

and I can make a portrait
of the person who owns it.

You, for example, have changed
this small world,

you made this room
into an operating one,

you even write like
you're dissecting a frog.

By the way, what are you writing?

Well, looks like you will need
the operating room soon.

You asked for it.

I'm ready! You are predictable.

I've foreseen it.

A straight right

into the body. I've foreseen this as well.

What would you do if I
didn't have a serving tray?

That would be left uppercut.

Mr. Holmes, why did you
bend this serving tray?

Doctor, you again?

He's a Capricorn,

don't you understand?

He is an inspired, ambitious
and vulnerable creature. Water!

Water.

Yes, and you are a Gemini,
a dreamer, head in the clouds.

I'm Aesculapius.

I'm a Virgo, neat and calculating.
You would be lost without me.

You're talking such nonsense, Mrs. Hudson.

It's not nonsense. The planet
positions in all horoscopes.

Mrs. Hudson, do you really think
that rocks flying somewhere in space

millions of kilometers away from
each other can affect a man?

- Especially his fate?
- Yes!

Look,

right now the earth is the constellation
of Aquarius under the influence of Mars.

That leads to cold weather.

Do you remember

it was so cold in July?

I live with benighted obscurants.

It's cold because wind is blowing
from the Arctic. Stop it now!

Get the hell out!

Holmes, what's wrong with you?
Are you insane?

Get the hell out!

You know what I will tell you, Holmes?

You need to drink some cold water

and smoke a pipe.

Try mine.

I'm calm, doctor, I don't need any pipes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Here.

So what?

I will try to explain it simply.

Why would Irene still the photograph
from me when it's in all the newspapers?

What an elementary question,
why didn't it occur to me before?

Well, now it did.

You are blind.

What if the whole Sholto
story was just a diversion

and I've missed the main thing?

And if I've missed, I've lost.

Because of the photograph?

Good day, inspector.

- Is Mr. Holmes here?
- Inspector!

He's not well.

Oh, I know he's not well.

Inspector, I'm here!

Told you.

Well, if we weren't in the centre
of London I would say

this bloke had just been
brought in from the front line

after having had his head
blown off by a shell.

Maybe with trinitrotoluene.

What?

Nitrocompound of aromatic series.

A quite strong expl*sive.

- expl*sive?
- Yes, it was invented about years ago.

Never heard of it.

Oh, you will.

No, wait, Lestrade,
don't trample the evidence!

This glass is evidence?

Damn.

It's not glass,

these are photographic plates.

I think everything happened
because of them.

They weren't shattered by the expl*si*n,

they were methodically
destroyed right after that.

You had better order your people
to pick them up carefully.

What an interesting coincidence: Just now
we were talking about the photograph

What were we talking about?
- About the photograph.

John, what were we talking about?
Doctor, I'm asking you?

- I just thought that...
- I do all the thinking!

And you are just trampling
the evidence and disturbing me.

- Tracey!
- Yes, sir!

Pick all these shards up.

So?

A normal wedding photograph,
if a bit racy:

The bride is in the last
months of pregnancy.

The fiance is a sailor on one of
the ships of the British navy.

Apart from the photographer and the
happy couple there was someone else,

and this someone is the most
interesting person of all.

Holmes, if it weren't for the unlucky
bride sitting in the next room

where a sergeant is treating
her with motherwort tincture,

I would think you were bluffing.

But how do you know she's

in her seventh month?

Why didn't you tell me straight away?

You're trying to expose me as a hoaxer?

This is a wooden barrier that
photographers usually install

to measure the exact distance
to the camera lens.

These footprints are a
woman's, you can see

that the man's are
closer than woman's.

Fine, but

maybe the bride was,
so to say, a buxom woman.

You're showing it right, a buxom one.

Buxom women usually have wide hips,

but considering the distance between
the footprints, she was thin.

and the sailor was holding
her by the waist.

Don't worry, lady, everything
will be done very quickly.

In about two minutes, right?

In one second.

Magnesium, a very bright flash
- the latest thing in photography.

And now look here,

smile.

A birdie will fly out.

What if I blink?

Then we will make another photograph.

Is that scary?

Mary, please, look at the camera and smile.

And now the birdie!

One,

two,

three!

So the sailor?

The footprint from that shoe.
It's a uniform shoe

of the sailors of Her Majesty's Navy,
Lestrade, confirm it.

It's nothing,

the m*rder*r was standing here,

see, the footprints are powdered,

he came out a few seconds later
after the expl*si*n. Tom's footprints,

and then this somebody came back,

he came back

and smashed the photo plates.

They are clean,

they don't have any plaster on them,
so these plates were smashed

after the dust had settled.

Fine, but why do you think
that these were actually

a fiance and a bride?
Maybe, I don't know,

because you are standing on
a Fleur D'Orange bouquet.

It's a wedding bouquet.

- So, this was your acquaintance?
- Acquaintance?

You must be joking,sir!
A very close acquaintance.

I'm not speaking of the fiance,

I'm speaking of the person
who was standing in the corner.

Have you found Tom at last?

Inspector?

My people went to the port.

We should be at St. Patrick's
cathedral this evening.

You know, Tom is so smart!

Do you know what bimbom bramzeil is?

Is this a piece of ship's rigging?

No, it's not. It's not.

Will we find him, missů?

Almost Mrs.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Fine, what happened?

He said a birdie will fly out,
and then boom, and was it.

Was there anybode else or not?

Yes, I think so.

Some gentleman came in right after us.

What did he look like?

Like a gentleman.

Do you know a lot about fish?

Why do you think so?

Your hands told me.

These are old cuts.

As you wish. What fish did he look like?

A pike.

So he was thin and had a narrow face?

Yes! Yes, yes, and also like a crab.

He had glasses?

Yes! Of such color... blue.

And the fins? Ugh, hands? Hands?

Like those of an octopus.

Long?

He was all like an octopus... pale.

An interesting method
of taking a portrait parle.

Yes.
- I've got it.

And he... and you...

Holmes, can I talk to you for a minute?

Without Watson.

I will tell him anyway.

That's your business.

And you look like a catfish.

This is classified information, Holmes,

that's why your brother asked me
to engage you in this work.

What information?

The as*ault was on the sailor.

Why do you think so?

He does serve in the navy,

but in a secret unit.

They test out some new things.

What new things?

Even I don't know it.

Sir, sailor Tom Taylor didn't
come back abroad the ship.

What nonsense, why
would they k*ll a sailor

even if he knew
some m*llitary secrets?

Well, it's about the idea, Holmes.

Rubbish

The admiralty, sir.

- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.

Listen, Holmes, maybe
you'd bettergo alone.

Go!

I don't really like offices.

Are you afraid?

You could say so.

Shame on you, Watson.

You were in a w*r.

Yes I was, but the offices
I don't really...

Watson!

I can't tell you that.

It's a classified information.

Then investigate it yourself.

I was told about your miraculous method.

My method is based on
having all the information.

Do you study ballistics?

I've read your book.

All your calculations were based
on having all the information:

height, speed, distance, etc.

My method is the same.

I shouldn't have listened
to your brother.

This is an insane idea.

Good bye, sir.

Sit!

Sit.

But don't tell anybody.

I won't sign anything.

The British navy works
on the newest submarine.

Tom Taylor is a submariner.

Why do they need to k*ll him?

You will find this out yourself.

With all due respect, sir,
I understand stealing,

stealing secrets, even
torturing, but why k*ll?

Recently we began to notice that somebody
is selling our secrets to the enemy.

Maybe Taylor was a spy
and was eliminated.

I don't tale guesses.

Do you have any facts?

No facts.

Apart from

I'm listening.

According to our intelligence,
a similar submarine

is being built in Germany's shipyards.

I understand.

I understand, sir.

Good.

Don't drop me.

So, to eliminate this version
once and for all.

I should have taken my g*n with me.

No but if he is a spy?

Bimbom Bramzeil, Watson, is a pub.

Sir, do you have a room for us?

We have, but not for the likes of you.

So what is there for us?

You need Metropol probably.

Give us some ale for a start.

Did you hear, Pete?

Dickenses have arrived!

What do you want?

We're looking for a bloke
called Tom Taylor.

Haven't heard of him.

Pity.

His barge is already out

and he has to stay here.

It can't be helped.

Here's your ale.

I don't drink and my friend doesn't either.

We did it just to keep
the conversation going.

As you wish. pennies.

What for?

For the ale.

So, John, should we pay?

No, of course not.

Pity you didn't bring you g*n with you.

Everything is boring.

Remember I told you this morning

everything is similar to everything.

You didn't say like that.

Doesn't matter.

Fine.

Who cares about a tuppence.

You didn't drink it anyway,
did you, gentlemen?

And we won't.

And don't.

Terrible booze.

Have a good day, gentlemen.

Good day.

Cab!

Watson, quickly get in.

Where are we going to?

Behind that corner for a start.

Go!

Stop.

Come here.

We're waiting for a companion.

For whom?

A companion.

Tom Taylor, it seems.

But he wasn't there.

Considering the fact
that they let us go

without bruises and scratches,
he is exactly there.

Excuse me, sir, can you show

to St. Patrick's cathedral!

Could you please move
your leg from my hand,

- it hurts very much.
- You're a spy, Tom.

What?

You're a spy,

and if you don't show up at the wedding
you will be accused of spying and hanged.

Mary told you that, right?

Mary said you are a smart man.

Sir, please, I don't want, please, sir.

Maybe a ring on your finger is better
than a noose on your neck.

But she's dumb, sir.

Yes, and this dumb girl
is carrying your child.

But I'm too young, gentlemen,
to have children.

It's the gallows, then.

Or maybe it is all the same to you?

To be honest, I didn't know Mary
has such protectors.

She doesn't; you do.

Stand up.

Help.

That's what we are trying to do.

What pressure is there at a m depth?

High, I think.

What's your job abroad the ship?

A stoker, sir.

Sir, honestly, gentlemen,
I swear I'm not a spy.

I know.

Now you're a fiance.

Look, it's Tom.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

We've wasted this day for nothing.

It's not nothing.

We've wasted this day for
nothing and for nonsense.

What secrets does a simple stoker know?

We haven't even found the
m*rder*r of the photographer.

Mrs. Hudson,

some tea will be nice.

Milk, maybe?

No, I'm asking for tea.

I don't know, but if I were you

Damn it, what's going on?

You shouldn't swear today.

Your sign is in the constellation
of Aquarius today,

so be careful with water.

Fine, make some coffee.

With milk?

With milk.

What is that box there?

It was brought to you from inspector
Lestrade, they said you know.

- Mrs. Hudson, I would
- Watson!

Have you ever printed photographs?

Sorry, Mrs. Hudson.

I found it.

Doctor, I found it. Do you hear?

I found it

What happened?

Look.

Look. Hold it.

Does it remind you of anything?

It's the same photograph.

- Yes.
- It's not just a coincidence.

Yeah. I told you that.

I told you that.

It doesn't matter.

The photographer was m*rder*d
because of this plate.

- Look carefully here at this face.
- What?

Look.

Glasses.

Glasses.

- Do you remember?
- Yes,yes,yes.

Eyes like crab's.

- Crab's.
- Blue glasses.

Eyes...Yes, I need to ask Williams.

- Who is it?
- Charlie.

Where? This one?

Do you know where he is?

Yes, I think so.

Open up! We are here
on a business matter.

Visits are in the evenings only.

We have a paper from Scotland Yard.

Scotland Yard.

Can't wait, eh?
You won't leave people in peace.

Good day, Mr. Holmes.

Rat Pearce!

Is there anything to have?

Don't, Mr. Holmes,
I'm on the path of correction.

Yes, a low road.

Williams!

You know everybody, Holmes.

Only the ones in jail.

Or almost all of them.

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie.

Yes, it's me, sir.

I'm Watson.

Doctor Watson.

Glad to meet you, sir,

but I'm healthy.

Well, give me your hand.
Hand! Give me your hand!

What is it that?

What is it that?

Maybe I scratched myself.

It's shrapnel, Charlie, shrapnel.

Philby, remember? Doctor Philby,

he wanted to amputate it
and I was against it.

Shrapnel?

- Shrapnel!
- But we don't use shrapnel in Sussex, sir.

- What Sussex?
- Only sh*t.

You served in Afghanistan!

- Charlie, what
- In what county?

Why are you here?

- They said I was robbing cab passengers
- And you weren't?

I'm afraid of horses.

You served in the cavalry!

God forbid, sir, I'm just a fisherman.

These people, who are they?

Some officers.

All right. Who is this?

Some gentleman, sir

Strange.

It is just that Charlie
studied in a drama studio

when he was young,
and now he's playing a role.

What studio, sir?

They're all m*rder*d!

m*rder*d!

- How sad.
- This man scared you.

- Nobody scared me, sir.
- Let's go.

This man scared you.
- Nobody scared me!

You will be k*lled as well.

and this performance of
yours will end very badly.

Let's go.

Let's go, I can't look at that. Let's go!

- Charlie!
- Guards!

Charlie, Charlie stop, come here!

- Charlie!
- Guards!

Open the door!

I remember you.

Doctor, I remember.

It really didn't help, sir.

Who is this man?

Mor

More?

Guards! Guards!

- Why did you do this?
- Open the door!

Where have you been? Did they pay you?

Take him by his legs
and to the infirmary.

What did he say?

What did he say? What did he say?

Where's the head guard? Open the door!

He was a good soldier.

Don't be overly sentimental.
He was a robber and a m*rder*r.

He was a good soldier.

I don't understand.
I do not understand.

You will never understand.

Why does one photograph
leave so many corpses?

Who is so ashamed of his looks?

You need to ask your
acquaintance about it.

I'm thinking about it.

Let's go to Soho afterwards,
it's such a wonderful area.

Of course.

Tell me, have you been
in a variety theatre?

Never.

I wanted to take you there. There are

beautiful girls singing.
They sing and dance couplets, but

you know, these couplets they
are not for a prude's ear.

- I'm not a prude.
- Yes?

You're not a prude,
sir, you're a wallet.

You're American,

two days in London,

came to buy a locomotive.

Do we know each other?

And near the exit from
the Ministry of Transport

she slapped you on the face.
Let me guess why.

Because locomotives
k*ll innocent animals.

Yes. Yes, yes,

something like that, and now
she's showing you London?

- Yes.
- You are a wallet.

Give the photograph back.

Sorry.

Sherlock, what do you want?

Oh, a lot. Good day.

For example, the weather becomes
worse and worse every year so

you know, right now the Earth is
in the constellation of Aquarius

under the influence of Mars,
that's why it's so cold.

What do you want?

Why? Why cannot an old friend
visit his acquaintance?

An old friend can. An old enemy can't.

I have never been an enemy to you!

I know.

So stuffy. I'll open the window.

There are bars.

My god, Irene, you live in a prison.

I live

In some sense. What a safe!
What's in there?

It's a woman's secret.

I always loved secrets.

What lock is it?

Let me try.

Let me.

A safecracker friend of mine
aught me how to pick any lock.

I promise I won't look inside,
it's just professional interest.

Don't be so rough, Irene.

Get out!

Please leave.

We're not welcome here.

I found the place, it's a safe,

but we won't be able cr*ck it.

- Are you sure?
- That the photograph is there? No

But that it's not money - absolutely.

I'm sure there's something that is,
I would say, very important.

But since we can't steal this thing,

we have to think of a plan,

so that she would bring
it to us herself.

Listen, what's the most important:
The woman or the photo?

The photo.

- Watson, what is this?
- Wait here, in the gateway.

What are you doing?

Where are you going, sir?

What are you doing, sir?
What are you doing?

Open the door! Open up!
Somebody let me in! Open up! Open!

What have you done?

A good use of the photographic chemicals.

But Irene is there!

Wait! Wait! Did you want the photographs?
I think we will get them now.

You.

Wait! Quiet, quiet, quiet!

Let me help you, let's go.
Let the woman out first.

It's damn Irish! Go away!

No, no! Give it back!

- Holmes, run!
- Give it back! Bastards!

Let me go! Let me go! Holmes,
get back! We will be all k*lled!

Sorry.

Holmes, I beg you!

So, I take it we won't be dining now.

Dr. Watson.

Dr. Watson! What happened?

What happened?

Doctor Watson, you begin
to resemble a rouge.

Here!

Damn, I can't see the face.

What absurdness! What a mystery!

I don't understand.

Holmes, today I,

I don't understand why would
you steal a photograph

where you can't see
the face anyway?

Today I lost another friend,

and today I became a
criminal because of you.

What should I do?

Do I need to pity you?

Do I need to congratulate you?

What, doctor?

I know this watch,

I saw it!

Lestrade!

I...I know this watch!

Lestrade!

Lestrade's face is much more pleasant.

Who was it?

Go, go!

The biggest mistake,

no, not mine,

the almighty God's,

is you, Holmes. You with your extravagance

are not just interfering the investigation,

you are harming it!

Don't think your brother
will always protect you.

You are an accomplice of a criminal!

Inspector. Holmes

What are you doing here?

Tracey, see this gentleman
out the door. Out!

Please.

The great detective couldn't guess

that the sailor should've
been taken at the wedding,

guessing is

too hard for him.

But we've taken him

right from his the marriage bed.

That's it,

you're not investigating
this case anymore,

please return the evidence
and out, get out of here!

- Ask about the prison.
- Yes!

What were you doing in the prison?

A m*rder has happened in your presence.

The doctor was visiting his friend.

Holmes, don't you think
you're sowing death?

Everywhere you go - a corpse appears.

Holmes, so what was in that letter?

Do they want the photographs back?

No.

So why did they kidnap Irene Adler?

They're going to k*ll her.

So, what do they want from you?

They want me to steal a fur coat

from the French ambassador.

What?

Yes, it sounds silly.

Why do they need a fur coat?

Maybe they're cold.

Monsieur Victor,

my quill is

about to blot an important petition.

I understand that politics
is a dirty business,

but I don't want to be that literal.

Could you get me real steel English nibs?

Yes, monsieur, I'm going
to send a messenger now.

But actually, I'm almost done.

Call your messenger,

let him deliver the letter to the ministry,

you will go with him.

Yes, monsieur.

Voila! Who's looking so grumpy?

Charles Gauthier.

Sherlock Holmes.

Holmes. Holmes I've already encountered
you're name somewhere.

In the recommendation letter.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, Mycroft Holmes,
yes, yes, yes. Sit down.

I hope you're not an English spy?

But I don't have any secrets
from a friendly country.

Holmes, where can a respectable
man entertain himself?

You can play croquet.

It's boring.

- Covent Garden.
- Too academic.

Shakespeare: can't sleep for a week after
all these betrayals, intrigues, murders.

What else?

We have a variety theatre.

Even so! Where?

I'll find out.

Please do find out, because our people
in the embassy read Hugo all day.

- What tastelessness.
- I find Dickens even more tasteless.

What have you read from Dickens?

Nothing.

Good man!

I don't like belles lettres,
I read it only if I need to.

Need to? How's that?

My friend is a writer.

You know, my third secretary does it,
I mean, does the English culture.

Could you acquaint me
with your friend, with this.

Can you put the sound down?

I can. But actually this
music should thunder.

It brings me back from the dead.

I think it will k*ll me.

Holmes, I have one letter here

for your diplomatic parish,
could you deliver it?

- To the Foreign Office? Of course.
- You will be given a carriage.

- Why? I can walk there.
- No, it's a diplomatic pouch, after all.

I'm sorry about the formalities, but
you'll have to sign this. Monsieur Victor.

Here and here. Now if
the letter disappears,

a guillotine will
be awaiting you.

Joking. Monsieur Victor will accompany you.

- Monsieur.
- Very glad.

Actually Foreign Office is on the left,

and the opposite direction
is to St. James' park.

Do you speak English?

Is his stomach upset?

I thought French people are patient.

Three days.

Sorry, I'm so clumsy.

Did you upset your stomach? Oysters maybe?

"Rock, paper, scissors and a bottle
of lemonade, and a box of chocolates,

and a screwdriver's also needed,
pencil, water, fire, one, two, three."

Watson, are you all right?

Excuse me, what?

A chauvinist officer.

Thank god we're in an empire,

thank god it's a monarchy, and chauvinism
has never been here and will never be!

A chauvinist officer. Why
do you need to write this?

The reader is not interested in it.

But it's true.

My dear, the truth of life and the truth
of art are absolutely different things,

and the aim of an artist is

to pass the real-life events through

the crucible of his, so to say, talent...

- in order to create and release a...
- A fairyale.

A piece of art.

Can I give you an advice?

I think I have a good idea.
This story with the treasure,

you need to follow this path,
you understand?

Ancient treasure hunters,

secrets, romance.

I don't want to advice you,
but I would start with this:

A poor young woman comes
to this detective of yours,

every year she has beem receiving
a pearl and suddenly,

I don't know, and so on.

No need for politics, all right?
We have other columns for that.

I want to compliment you,

absolutely seriously.

You improved your writing, you
write much better than you speak.

Watson!

So how did it go?

- What's on?
- Everything's so terrible.

Why do you need to ask? Isn't it obvious?

I was just curious, I

Do you want dinner

- or a drink?
- Yes.

An ambassador wants to meet with you.

With me?

You're a writer.

You left your notes
in the living room once.

"b*at the drum, play the trumpet,
slash the enemy..."

Oh, it's just an the early work.

Some horrible atrocity
is being planned

in the embassy, and I'm
a tool in their hands.

But the ambassador is a fine man.

Where's Holmes?

Good day, inspector.

It is you I need, Holmes.

Good day, inspector!

What?

Do you want pleasantries?

You're like a languishing lady
who loses her consciousness

when no curtseys are exchanged.

- What happened?
- Your sailor escaped.

First of all, he's not mine,
but Her Majesty's!

Secondly, how did he manage to do this
under the eye of your vaunted guards?

And thirdly, I...
I don't know why he did it.

You didn't ask me a single
meaningful question.

Where did you find him?

He said you found him and
drove him to the wedding.

In a pub Bimbom Bramzeil.

Where is it?

In the port,

but I don't think he's sitting
there right now waiting for you.

He's not that stupid
as to hide there twice.

Maybe he missed his bride,
which is unlikely.

You've found enough.
Maybe you're right about the pub,

but still. I'll send Gregson to the port.
Gregson?

To Bim Bom Bramzeil?

Anything else?

Yes, Holmes.

I hinder your life, presumably.
Exactly!

And you do it on purpose.
Inspector, you're not being excluded.

Thank you.

So, Inspector, I hope that now
you will give my friend some peace.

And you, Dr. Watson,
are becoming like him.

Don't you think, Inspector, that a man
tends to make everything around him

resemble him?

You, too, have a good day, Inspector.

Why did he come?

I need your help.

This evening we are going to a
reception in the French embassy.

Yes, thank you.

Can I try it?

Jane, are you sure?

Vickie, if I managed
to harness a mustang,

then I can deal with this
slime one way or another.

Madam, don't cut your wonderful fingers.

Take a lemon.

Take it in your mouth.

Swallow.

Drink champagne, madam.

Awful.

I think the same.

Mesdames, messieurs,

I propose to drink to women!
Yes!

What's this?

Why does this chicken
have such a piquant taste?

These are frog legs, madam.

Sorry

Monsieur Victor, take madam
to the toilet room.

In India they also eat bugs,
cockroaches, and...

Are you kidding me?

Yes, excuse me, but
You have a charming wife.

And where's your wife?

Somewhere. I haven't met her yet.

We don't accept unmarried
people for diplomatic work.

We had this rule too,

but we decided afterwards
that adultery

is way more scandalous than
the adventures of a bachelor.

Reasonable.

Please excuse me.

Vickie, why didn't you warn me?

I did. Being an ambassador's
wife is very hard.

But not this hard.

To your health!

Let's go and eat properly at last

So

Now there's no need for
these ceremonies anymore.

Yes.

Yes, a very sweet couple.

A very sweet couple.

And madam Jane is just charm itself.

What simplicity!

Yes, yes

Well, I can say there are very complicated
relations between our countries.

Yes?

Yes! I would even say we are at risk of w*r

Yes.

But why?

Oh, nobody remembers why,

but let a single spark appear, and...

Oh well, but it seemed...

It just seemed so.

The reception was full of hostile subtexts

Was it when you fed the oysters to them?

Oh, and that too. I let them know
that our country is more civilized,

it's a much more sophisticated country,

and if, god forbid,
something happens,

we will feed them this way
till they're blue in the face.

And them?

Who "them"?

Oh, the ambassador hinted that
he doesn't make empty promises,

and if they harnessed a mustang,
then as for the slime...

They will deal with the slime somehow.

But the reception was spent
in a constructive conversation

and I can say that us three:
The ambassador, I, and his wife

are the last stronghold of peace
between our countries.

Yes?

We have been trying to
bring our governments

to the table of
negotiations for . years,

but unsuccessfully. Unsuccessfully...

You are also active participants
in this conflict.

We?

I mean England.

England.

And if, god forbid,
something happens,

I mean the w*r between America
and France, you won't be left out.

It's difficult.

It's very difficult to realise that you are
responsible for millions of human lives.

Now you understand?

They want to start a w*r!

Yes? I thought it was the other way round

And I will be the one to do it.
I will k*ll thousands of soldiers.

How?

I don't know.

I can't even imagine.

But I saw how they put a
note into miss Jane's bag.

What note?

I'm sure a love letter.

How piquant.

And it's written by a French hand.

So it's the French who wrote it?

The handwriting is forged.

So what, the American should fall for it?

Well, fine, even if he does,
can this really start a whole w*r?

Leave it, Watson, wars start
because of quite small trifles.

You know, I think I will say
a horrible thing now.

Don't, doctor.
- Let me. - Don't tell.

Let me ask you, is a life of one,

let's say it bluntly, not
a very virtuous person

really be worth the lives of
hundreds of thousands soldiers?

You make it sound so simple, doctor.

A life has a price for you.

You're an accountant,
you're a textualist.

But here your accounting,
your mathemaics, doesn't work.

I'm a soldier!

I've been sawing the stomachs
and jaws of our lads,

who were sent into this meat grinder by
our moral and principled politicians, I!

If I were asked if

the life of this person, of this

whore, is worth the lives of a hundred
thousand men, I wouldn't hesitate.

Hey, puny.

Vegetarian?

I'm puny?

No, I'm well-fed.

But you're lean.

Like a dried pike.

Interesting.

You're goggle eyed,
are you wearing glasses?

Are you afraid of light?

Continue.

Your arms are fidgety, like tentacles.

Are you studying ichthyology?

I study criminology.
You're smoking Royal Caribbean.

Maybe the bag is not thick enough?

No, he can't see.

Stand up.

Up, up.

Stand in any bizarre position
and I will describe it.

Oh, let's.

How do I look?

Like a fool.

Nice.

Very nice.

You know, Holmes, yesterday
my worries seemed to be so far away.

And I believe in my yesterday.

And you, Mr. Holmes,
do you believe in your yesterday?

I believe in today.

That's great.

Then let's get straight to the point.

Tomorrow you will put on the fur
coat of the French ambassador

and sneak into the
American residence.

Why?

Well, I also like to joke sometimes.

I think I won't agree to this.

Because a life of one whore
isn't worth thousands of lives.

You're thinking like an accountant.

Then we will k*ll her right now

That means nobody will believe
me that I've been here.

It's a pity nobody will ever
believe in your existence.

Can I go?

Why?

You want to miss such a show?

Oh yes, I forgot, you won't
see anything, but

I guarantee that you will
hear everything very well.

I would really like you to
feel everything yourself.

Hold her tighter.

We will cut her little finger first,

then one breast. By the way,
maybe you want to try it yourself?

Silence.

I understand it's easier
to talk than to act.

Begin.

No, please don't, I beg you, don't!

Don't!

Right now everything
depends on Mr. Holmes.

Then k*ll me now, he doesn't
give a damn about me!

Yes, yes.

He said it exactly like that:
"I don't give a damn about this whore."

Cut.

I agree!

I agree!

I agree!

I agree!

Pick him up.

And now listen carefully.

Tomorrow during breakfast I will
read in a newspaper that at night,

somebody sneaked into the residence
of an American ambassador.

The perpetrator found out the time
when guards were changed.

He climbed over the fence
in a place that wasn't guarded,

climbed the wall to the balcony,

the door from which was open
because of the guards' oversight,

and got into the bedroom
of the ambassador's wife.

Mrs. Jane!

Mrs. Jane!

Mrs. Jane!

I'll explain everything.

Don't scream now!

What are you going to explain?

Stupid operetta.

Too

eager to att*ck. Sherlock

you often forget about the defense

But overall you aren't doing badly.

I need your help.

The ambassador of Germany with his wife.

What a number of false smiles.

I think you're exaggerating
I'm understating.

Why are you trembling so badly?

It became cold.

The ambassador of Russia with his wife.

And where are the bears?

Well, I think they are cycling
in the streets of St.-Petersburg.

He didn't come?
He didn't. He's late.

Maybe we could meet him at the entrance?

Mesdames and messieurs.
What use will it be to us?

I invite you to the table.
I don't know, need to do something.

No.

Go and sit, I'll come soon.
Fine, I'll wait for you at the table.

You too don't like French cuisine?
Oh, sir, I adore it.

They invited everyone
at the table by the way.

That's why I'm eating.

It's impossible to see all
these dishes, smell them

and have no opportunity
to touch them!

Why? Can't you?
I can!

I can.

I.

I'm not used to.

I just have no time. At first one
is talking and the other eats,

then they change roles, and I'm translating
the whole time. I have no time!

These are some problems.

Yes.
Good bye.

They didn't come?

No.

Damn, I need to go.

Pity I didn't borrow a sandwich
from the translator. Sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Mesdames and messieurs!
Somehow it came about

that the greatest national
holiday of the French

is celebrated not in December, when
the whole world celebrates Christmas,

and not in the spring during
the Easter, but in July,

when common people destroyed
the main French prison, the Bastille.

It means that we're celebrating vandalism.

But we French are romantics,

and we believe that the day will come

when every prison in the world is
destroyed and when there is established

a kingdom of freedom,
equality and brotherhood,

and I'm happy that
you're with us this day.

Freedom? Very cute, monsieur.

Absolute freedom.

Tell me, is this your note?

"French are famous
for their love fantasies,

and I'm no exception. I propose
to meet. Love should be free."

It's not my note. I didn't write this.

Whose handwriting is that?

Why are you quiet?

Monsieur ambassador's..

And whose fur coat is it?
Well, you don't need to answer,

there's your monogram
in the lining

Where did you get it?

In my wife's bedroom.

Vickie, no!

Vickie!

I did everything.
You promised to free Irene.

That you did... is horrible.

Yes, and I don't even know

if they'll free her or not.

Tomorrow a w*r can be started.

Did you see how happy the German was?

Did you see how happy the German was?

I know who will be the happiest.

Listen, Holmes, I think you just made
up this fictional character, this,

I don't know, the embodiment
of the world's evil, this

And I told him this

that I'd be the only one who will believe
in him and no one else would.

I want to come home.

Don't know, don't know.

So what, Mrs. Hudson?

What are the stars telling you?

Tomorrow you'll have a good day.

And today?

And today is already over.

This lady is waiting for you.

Sherlock, I...

I came to take my things back.

Are you without luggage?

Check your pockets! Is the wallet there?

Remove the ladder!

Ready to go!

So Mrs. Hudson was right,
the day started off well.

Nobody will find her in Argentina.

Let's go?

Where?

Do you believe in the afterlife?

I'm a doctor.

Monsieur, good day, monsieur!

Meet Dr. Watson, get to know him
till there's an opportunity to do so!

It's a great, great Aesculapius!
Fine, fine! I forgot my stick.

What stick? You didn't have a stick!

That's obly your opinion! But you're right.

What do you say about this music?

The ambassador loved it.
- Stop this outrage!

Oh, the miracle!

Soldiers, take him.

I'll explain!

Don't scream now!
What are you going to explain?

A matter of life and death.

What are you doing in Jane's bedroom?

Trying to start a w*r
between America and France.

I hope you will prevent
me from doing that.

And you really said it like this?

I'm very eloquent when nervous.

No, it's impossible, are you kidding me?

Vickie.... Vickie.

But then they will k*ll her. Chop her
finger off first, then a breast.

Am I an actor?
You're a gentleman.

Jane, how will it look like?
- Amusing. It will look amusing.

No, it should be quite persuasive.
It should be quite plausible.

Fine, get ready, we're going.
No, not now. When?

Tomorrow at the reception
At the reception?

At the reception?
Otherwise there's no point.

But this is a public humiliation.
I can't go to such lengths.

Vickie! Vickie!

Is it long since you've last
read the Constitution, eh?

Jane.

It's not the time.

It's always the time, Vickie, always.
I hope you remember

that is the main American priority is?
The President.

Human life.

And not your dignity
and comfort, Vickie.

Jane, don't.

Or I will really cheat on you.

And then mrs. Jane says:

"Vickie, let's write something
on the wall with blood!" Blood!

Blood?

Oh, what a sweetheart this
mrs. Jane is! Simplicity itself!

And didn't take long to persuade me.

You're French. An artistic nature
Yes, yes, yes.

By the way, here's a whole
list of variety theatres.

Oh, how lovely.

Ooh, how lovely! Thanks a lot.

So, em, what's next?

John, you're a m*llitary man,
if you create making fake explosions.

then a blank sh*t
must be nothing for you.

We need to go.

I need to go too.
I need to quickly visit

all the embassies and convince
people that I'm alive and well.

Maybe we can organise another reception?

A great idea. I have only
one thing to ask from you.

What thing?

Announce about ten minutes
of silence at the table.

Why?

So the translators
will have time to eat.

Alright.

Are we not going home?

We have another business
in the admiralty.

And what are we going to do there?

I understood everything right there.

The watch.

And? What will we tell him?

Wrong question. What will he answer us?

I hate offices.
Me too.

Excuse me, gentlemen

But just quickly. How is it going?

What do you want?

Tom...Tom Taylor, what have you done?

Carried out the sentence, sir.

You! Who are you? A judge? An executioner?

I'm a secret agent of Her Majesty.

Quiet, quiet.

I've eliminated a German spy.

I'll get help
Don't, doctor.

Sir, everything's because
of the photograph.

What photograph?
What photograph?

Shelf , cupboard , volume .

Sir.

I still love Mary, you know?

Even though she's stupid. We'll have a son
. You will. And he will look like you.

We all look a bit like each other,
haven't you noticed?

I recently just told Watson
that all people are alike.

He's dead, Holmes.

Sherlock, he d*ed.

We need to go.

Moriarty.

Clowns.