01x04 - The Duchess of Wiltshire's Diamonds

[bunniefuu]

In late Victorian London
lived many detectives

who were the rivals
of Sherlock Homes.

AMBERLEY '.
Came'?

Amberley, my dear chap!

How good of you to come.

I was determined to meet you
the moment I had your letter.

Did you have a pleasant voyage?

Well, we sweltered
in the Red Sea, stifled at Suez,

and suffered a cyclone
in the Bay of Biscay.

You must be half-dead.

No, no, not at all.

It provided admirable training

for the worst part
of the journey.

The worst?

Yes, interminable minutes
from Southampton

on the London & South Western.

Oh, how very droll.

Still,
it's grand to have you back.

Oh, I take that you've somewhere
to stay?

Yes, I have, thank you.

I've taken the lease of a house
sight unseen.

I've sent Belton
and some of the servants ahead

to get things ready.

Now, do you have
any pressing engagements?

Only this one, my dear chap.

Splendid. You must come there
straight along with me.

We'll celebrate my return
with a bottle of champagne.

Oh, it's a capital idea.

VYVYANI
I want him watched, Fullalove.

FULLALOVE:
Yes, sir.

VYVYANI
Nothing against him yet,

but, by jingo,
my nostrils always quiver

when there's a bad smell.

And there's a bad egg,
if ever I saw one.

- Hmm?
-Yes, sir.

The kind of amateur

that brings us professionals
into disrepute, eh?

Well, I'm not having it.

First slip he makes,
we nail him. Understood?

Yes, sir.

VYVYAN: Well, don't just
stand there. Get on with it.

Yes, sir.

Mr. bloody Klimo.

Klimo.
[ Chuckles ]

You know, every hoarding at
Waterloo bore that absurd name.

What is he, a circus clown
or something, is he?

There he is again.
What is he?

My dear Carne,
you've been away too long.

A month ago, we were all asking
the same question.

Klimo is a private detective.

Detective?

AMBERLEY:
And a very astute one.

Really?

You have evidence
of his astuteness?

Well, I should have thought

that any man who succeeded in
attracting attention to himself

in such a way

that half London had been
induced to patronizing him

might be described as "astute."

Well, he certainly must have
expended a fortune

on advertising.

Is he a good detective?

Do you remember old Buffy?

CARNE:
Buffy Orpington, yes.

Two weeks ago, he was the victim
of the most audacious burglary.

Seems the police
were getting nowhere.

So, he's called in Klimo.

Oh, well,
it'll be interesting to see

if Mr. Klimo lives up
to his reputation.

AMBERLEY:
It certainly will.

Well, tell me,
how's your delightful wife?

[ Chuckles ]
She's as delightful as ever.

She sends you her fondest love.

Ah, dear Kitty.

You know, I can't wait to see
her again.

Well, the sooner the better.

She's been squeaking
with excitement

ever since she heard
you were coming back from India.

Now, Lady Amberley
never squeaked in her life.

She's an English rose,

with just enough thorn
in her character

to make her the most
enchanting woman I know.

Well, I say, that's damned good,
but it's not a bit true.

It describes Cordelia
much better.

Oh, yes,
the Duchess of Wiltshire.

AMBERLEY:
Yes.

You told me in your last letter
they've become close friends.

Does that still continue?

They're practically inseparable.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Laughing ]
You are wicked, Cordelia.

[ Laughing ]
Am I, darling?

And where did you meet
this monster, Kitty?

Two years ago in Venice,

when Arthur and I were staying
with the viceroy.

Ohh. Ohh, that's quite enough,
Annette.

Fetch the gown.

You mustn't call him a monster.

But why not, darling?
You said so yourself.

You said he had a hump on his
back as large as Mr. Punch's.

[ Laughs

Poor Simon.
He can't help his deformity.

Besides, when you look into
those fascinating eyes of his,

you forget all about it.

Beauty and the beast.

The next time you see him,
Kitty, you must kiss him.

It could change him
out of all recognition.

AMBERLEY: You haven't changed
a bit, Carne.

CARNE:
Hmm?

Still have your little toys,
I see.

CARNE: Yes, force of habit,
my dear chap.

You know,
I find it relaxes the mind.

Oh, by the way, where's
this house you've rented?

Uh...Belverton Terrace.

Belverton Terrace?

CARNE: Yes, Number ,
Belverton Terrace.

Oh, but that's impossible.

Well, it's hardly impossible,
my dear chap.

I've signed the lease.

No, no,
I don't mean it's impossible.

It's the most extraordinary
coincidence.

CARNE:
Oh? In what way?

- Well, Klimo, the detective --
-Yes.

AMBERLEY:
He's your next-door neighbor!

Oh, no.

Isn't it a gorgeous gown?

I never saw anything so lovely.

Wherever did you get it?

Paris, where else?

Chabrolle made it for me.

The man is a genius.
You may go, Annette.

And when are you
going to wear it?

At our ball on the th of June.

It's terribly low-cut.

[ Laughs

KITTY:
Won't Freddy be shocked?

[Laughs ] Freddy admires
my throat and shoulders.

He says that I'm the first
duchess for three generations

to provide a suitable setting
for the Wiltshire diamonds.

Lucky Freddy.

I must say, Kitty,

I'm vastly intrigued

by your description
of this fabulous Mr. Carne.

Am I going to be permitted
to meet him?

I say, isn't that jolly?

[Wood clattering]

The whole street,
crammed with carriages.

It really is too bad.

Have they all come to see
this fellow Klimo, do you know?

Yes, they say it's like this
every day.

Well, I shall certainly have
something to say

to those confounded
estate agents.

I mean, I have no objection
to paying a high rent.

I don't regard a private
detective, however successful,

as a desirable neighbor.

Yes.
Yes, I see what you mean.

You should certainly
have been informed.

Still, it makes a lively scene.

[ Laughs

If I want lively scenes, I shall
entertain my friends here.

Otherwise,
I prefer peace and quiet.

- Is the champagne cooled?
-Yes, sahib.

Then serve it immediately.

It wants only minutes
to noon, sir.

I was getting anxious.

Yes, you're quite right, Belton.

Come along.
We must hurry.

You know,
half a bottle of champagne,

and Lord Amberley
was quite disinclined to go.

A most affable gentleman,
if I may say so, sir.

- Not your suspicious kind.
-[ Chuckles ]

No, you're quite right, Belton.

A delightful fellow
who would never suspect anyone.

I'm really rather fond of him.

Oh, tomorrow night I am giving
a small soiree,

and I hope
that Lord and Lady Amberley

will bring along with them
the Duchess of Wiltshire.

The Duchess of Wiltshire?

Forgive me, sir, but I'm amazed.

Would her grace condescend

to honor such a function
with her presence

when it is given
by a bachelor gentleman --

no matter how distinguished --

to whom she has not previously
been introduced.

Yes, admirably expressed,
Belton.

But the rules of etiquette
in high society

will unbend
in certain circumstances

and for certain people.

For Mr. Carne.

Yes, indeed, for Mr. Carne.

You see, I'm not merely rich,
socially acceptable,

witty, intelligent,
a man of taste,

and a connoisseur of the arts.

I'm also deformed, Belton,

and very sensitive
of my deformity.

My friends know this.

They know equally well
I will never accept invitations

unless I have previously made
the acquaintance of that person

within the privacy
of my own home.

I am quite certain
the Duchess of Wiltshire

will be there tomorrow night,

quite possibly the duke, also.

Oh, come on, Belton,
there's a good fellow.

Get this damn thing off,
will you?

It's k*lling me.

You know, you never fail
to surprise me, sir.

I've often puzzled my head

as to why
you've saddled yourself

with that contrivance --

I mean, letting it hinder
your social life the way you do.

Yes, you're quite right, Belton.

There, uh...
[ Chuckles ]

There have been occasions

when that contrivance,
as you so aptly put it,

did prove a notable handicap

to the furtherance of
my relations with the fair sex.

There.

But the die
has long since been cast.

There can be no going back.

One should be prepared
to make sacrifices

in order to further
a noble ambition.

Yes, sir, to attempt to restore
the family fortunes

is indeed a noble ambition.

Yes, I believe so...

especially when it's done
at the expense

of those so-called friends

who could well have afforded
to help when help was needed

but never lifted a finger.

Well, Belton...

[Irish accent]
...tell me -- how do I look?

BELTON: Why, if it isn't
Mr. Klimo, the famous detective.

[ Both laugh ]

You know, Belton,
I think you could be right.

Good!

MCVITIE:
Good afternoon, Mr. Klimo.

And good day to you,
Mrs. McVitie.

Well, now, tell me something --
do we have a full house?

Oh, yes.

At least, it's not too bad.

There's a marquis,
three baronets,

two knights,
and four honorables,

but then there's seven
with no titles at all.

Oh, is there, really?

Well, that's very sad for them,
isn't it?

Never mind, Mrs. McVitie.

We have to bear in mind
they all pay the same fee.

Well, yes,
I suppose that's true.

Who shall I send in first?

Well, now, let's see.

I think we ought to have this in
order of seniority, don't you?

Let's have this fellow,
the Marquis of Orpington.

Ask him to come in.

MCVITIE:
Yes.

The Marquis of Orpington
is already in.

Have you caught my burglars yet?

Thank you, Mrs. McVitie.

Good afternoon to you, my lord.

Oh, good afternoon to you,
Klimo.

Have you caught my burglars yet?

Well, now, let's see.

If your lordship would be
kind enough to take a seat...

ORPINGTON:
Mm!

CARNE:
...I'll be with you in a moment.

[Exhales, sniffs]

ORPINGTON:
Well?

Ah, yes, Orpington, you said.
That's right, yes, yes.

Oh, damn it, man,
have you any news?

Aha. Aha.
Oh, good! Good.

Yes, one might
even say excellent.

You mean you've caught them?

No, no, your lord,
I made it quite clear to you

when you first approached me.

The actual, you see, physical
apprehension of the criminal

is a job for the police.

- I've not --
-Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh!

No, but, you see,

by showing them
how the crime was committed,

I have been able to lead them
to him,

and I have even, in effect,

sometimes recovered
the stolen property.

But how do you rate
the chances in my case?

CARNE:
Well, you see, at this moment,

I don't really
want to venture an opinion.

Oh?

But I can say
with absolute certainty

where Scotland Yard went wrong.

WILTSHIRE: And where did
Scotland Yard go wrong?

They assumed all along
it was the work of a g*ng.

They said that one man
might have entered the house.

He might even have been able to
get the swag away by himself,

but he couldn't possibly have
made his getaway down Piccadilly

at : a.m. in the morning

with half a hundredweight
of silver plate

jangling on his back

without being seen by someone.

Pretty obvious,
I should have thought.

ORPINGTON:
Exactly -- too obvious.

Oh, you mean
that Klimo prefers the notion

that one man did the entire job
on his own.

ORPINGTON: He's quite convinced
on that score.

Well, then how did he make
his getaway?

[ Chuckles ]
Very easily.

Klimo's idea is that this fellow
put the silver in a sack,

deposited it
among the refuse bins

in the mews behind the house,

and there it remained all night.

Now, he returns
: a.m. the next morning,

driving a pony and cart,

in the guise
of a rag-and-bone man,

loads up the sack,

and drives away with £ ,
of my family's silver

under the seat,

calling out "any old iron."

[ Laughs

I'm sorry, Buffy,
but it's so deuced amusing,

the way you tell it.

It's no laughing matter,
Amberley.

The fact that Klimo's
made Scotland Yard

look like a bunch of amateurs

isn't going to bring back
the Orpington silver.

Jove, no.

Makes a fellow think.

Mean to say,
people like ourselves,

with decent possessions --

Yeah.

Seems a pity we have to wait
until we're robbed

before turning to
a clever blighter like Klimo.

ORPINGTON:
Yeah.

By Jove, yes.

Yes, of course.
What a marvelous idea.

Prevention being better
than cure.

That's what you're suggesting,
isn't it, Amberley?

Oh, something of the sort, yes.

CARNE:
Yes, of course you were.

That's very shrewd of you.

Well, I don't follow
your argument.

Well, I was thinking of the
Wiltshire diamonds, your grace.

Oh, were you, indeed?

Well, they're world-famous.

gems perfectly matched,
every one flawless.

Has it occurred to your grace

that every jewel thief
in both America and Europe

must long to get his hands
on them?

Certainly.

That's why they repose

in the deepest vault
in the Bank of England.

Yes, emerging only
on those special occasions

when the Duchess
wishes to wear them.

Yes, of course.

CARNE: Your grace, I maintain
that the risk of theft

is greatest
on just those occasions.

Well, there is a risk.
I grant you that.

And I'll admit I'm never
very easy in my mind

when I know that the stones
aren't locked up in the bank,

but our security measures
are good, you know, Carne.

We take every
reasonable precaution.

Yes, I don't doubt that.

But, your grace,
supposing some ruthless criminal

was at this precise
moment in time

planning to rob you
of your family heirloom.

Do you think that reasonable
precautions would be sufficient?

Well...

CARNE:
No, no, of course they wouldn't.

You see, that's where I think

Amberley's idea here
was so brilliant.

Now, supposing this Klimo is the
genius that everyone says he is.

Wouldn't there be something
to be said for employing him

during what I term to be
this period of greatest risk?

By Jove,
yes, that's a capital idea.

That's exactly
what I had in mind.

CARNE:
Yes, of course.

Protection better than cure.

Yes, yes, exactly.

Yes.
That's not bad.

Not bad at all.

You know, I think I'll do it.

Yeah. Tell him the Duke of
Wiltshire requires his services.

Always assuming
that Mr. Klimo will agree.

[Soft piano music playing]

Who is she?

Tara.

She represents
the female principle

of the Buddha of compassion.

I believe you, Mr. Carne,

though I fear your explanation
means very little to me.

Now, don't tempt me, your grace.

I warn you --
the slightest encouragement,

and I can grow very tedious
on the subject.

[ Chuckles ]

She is supposed to have been
born from the tears

that Buddha shed
for the sorrows of the world.

How touching.

And are we to expect you
at our ball on the th of June?

If I receive an invitation.

CORDELIA:
You shall.

Ah, now, this is delightful!

And I can tell you
all about this.

It's from the Mathura period,
isn't it?

Yes.

The idea is that women could
make a tree burst into flower

simply by touching them.

That's an asoka tree.

Absolutely correct.
You know, your grace amazes me.

Oh, there's no need to be
so amazed, Mr. Carne.

Arthur and Kitty brought me home
a present from India

about two years ago.

It's an old casket with the same
motif carved on the lid.

It's a very fine example
of its kind.

I would dearly long to see it.

Well, so you shall.

It wouldn't be easy
in the normal way.

You see, I had it lined

and turned into a jewel box
for the Wiltshire diamonds.

So, normally,
it's kept in the bank.

But at the moment,

the jeweler is altering one of
the clasps on the necklace.

So I do have the casket at home.

Why don't you call on us
tomorrow afternoon at : ?

Then you can examine the casket
at your leisure,

and you can take home
your invitation.

Please say you will.

Oh, dear lady,
how could I possibly refuse?

So, the evening went well, sir?

Yes, almost too well.

BELTON'.
Sh'?

Well, I always suspect it

when a situation seems to be
playing into my hands too early

in an enterprise.

[Sighs]

What about you, Belton?

Did you discover anything?

I went to Belgrave Square,
as you instructed, sir,

and the residence
to the right of Wiltshire House

is indeed for sale.

Well, good, good.

Well, that will undoubtedly
prove useful to us.

You would use it as a means
of access to Wiltshire House?

[ Laughs ]
Only as a last resort.

Breaking and entering
is for common burglars.

It involves too much risk
and too little imagination.

You have another plan, sir?

CARNE:
Yes. Now, tell me --

who are the estate agents
for this empty house?

BELTON: Messrs. Horniblow
and Jimson of Piccadilly.

Good.
Well, tomorrow morning

I want you to take the train
to Newbury.

You will book in
at the Jack O' Newbury Hotel

as Mr. James Braithwaite,
a retired tea planter.

Now, as soon as you get there,

I want you to write to
Messrs. Horniblow and Jimson

on the hotel stationery,

requesting an order to view.

Say you're coming up to town
the following morning

and you'll collect the keys
from their office.

Now, I want you to get to know
that house by heart,

room by room.

Take wax impressions of the keys
so we can have duplicates made.

Now, you will return the key
to Messrs. Horniblow and Jimson,

saying that you're interested
in the property, yes,

but you haven't yet
made up your mind

and you'll probably
want to view it again.

Is that clear?

Perfectly clear, sir.

CORDELIA:
Well, Mr. Carne?

It is most curious
and extremely beautiful.

I think I can safely say

in all my experience
I've never found its equal.

What is it, Dewhurst?

The jeweler, your grace.

He begs me to inform you
that he has completed the work.

Ah. Show him in, Dewhurst.

Very good, your grace.

KITTY:
Simon, you're in luck.

Can he see the diamonds,
Cordelia?

[ Laughing ]
Yes, of course he may.

Ah, Monsieur Bouchet,
let me see.

Avec plaisir,
Madame la Duchesse.

CORDELIA: Ah, yes,
Monsieur Bouchet, very nice.

I'm pleased.

Thank you, Madame.

Dewhurst, call a hansom
for Monsieur Bouchet.

Yes, your grace.

CORDELIA:
Good day, Monsieur Bouchet.

Your servant, ladies.

There you are, Mr. Carne.

The famous Wiltshire diamonds.

Aren't they gorgeous, Simon?

I nearly faint with envy
every time I see them.

Well, take them, Mr. Carne.

Tell me what you think.

Well, although I have examined
the jewels

of some of the Indian princes,

lam not really an expert
on precious stones.

But these are superb,
your grace.

Yes, quite superb.

- But cold.
-KITTY: Cold?

Cold?

Yes, you see, for me, gems such
as these only really come alive

against the warmth
of a woman's skin.

That is how I appreciate them.

Well, he shall have his chance,
shan't he, Cordelia?

Yes, yes, indeed he shall,

if Mr. Carne deigns to come
to the ball we're giving

on the th of June.

I promised you an invitation,
Mr. Carne.

Here it is.

I shall expect
a formal acceptance, sir.

Dear lady, you need expect
no delay on that score.

And since I am so deeply
in your debt,

perhaps I dare ask
one more favor.

CORDELIA:
And what is that, Mr. Carne?

Well, greatly as I admire
your diamonds,

it is the casket in which they
are kept which intrigues me.

Ah.

You see, next month I am
addressing The Royal Society

on the Mathuran iconography
of Buddhism

and illustrating it
with lantern slides.

Now, I would dearly
like to include

some slides of your casket.

[Laughing ] Is that all?
Of course you may.

But then I would require
to borrow the casket

in order to photograph it.

CORDELIA:
Ah.

Ah, well, that does present
somewhat of a problem.

It's due back at the bank
in an hour's time.

How long would you require?

Oh, a day would suffice.

Well, then, the day of the ball.

Why don't you call
in the morning,

when it's delivered
from the bank,

and then you can return it again
in the evening

when you come back for the ball?

How would that suit you?

Perfectly.

I'm very grateful to your grace.

Hello, my dear.

Oh, didn't know you had guests.

Ah, good evening, Kitty.
How are you?

Oh, Carne, yes, I was expecting
word from you earlier.

Yes, yes, I do apologize.

The fact is that Klimo was out
of town earlier this morning,

and I myself
had an appointment later.

But I have spoken with him.

Good.
When is he calling?

: tonight.

?

Well, who the devil
does he think he is?

I don't receive
private detectives at that hour.

Yes, I did make that quite clear
to him.

And?

Well, I'm afraid, your grace,

that this Klimo
is a bit of an odd character.

He said it was the only time
that it was convenient to him

and if it didn't suit your
grace, much as he regretted it,

he would be
unable to assist you.

The impudent, damn rascal.

Really, Freddy!

Well, how dare he send
such a message to me, huh?

Yes, I quite agree, your grace.

It was a monstrous way in which
to address a peer of the realm.

Oh, believe me,
I shan't mince words with him

when I give him your answer.

WILTSHIRE:
Yes, quite so.

My answer?

That you will not be requiring
his services.

WILTSHIRE:
But I do require them, Carne.

Oh, all right, tell him
I'll see him at : .

Confounded impudence.

[Women laugh]

The asking price
for the property is £ , .

And until I made it clear
that money was no object,

Messrs. Horniblow
and Jimson were --

Well, not to put too fine
a point on it, sir,

they were inclined to look
down their noses at me.

Were they?

That was very unwise
of Messrs. Horniblow and Jimson.

One day, Belton, we may
make them live to regret that.

That would please me greatly,
sir.

Yes, nevertheless,
you overcame their prejudice,

and you did all I asked.

In every respect, sir.

Wax impressions of the keys?

The duplicates are already made.
I have them here, sir.

Oh, splendid.
Yes, that's excellent.

Now, the premises itself?

It shares a common wall
with Wiltshire House.

It was designed
by the same architect,

and is virtually its twin.

I have prepared a floor-by-floor
scale plan of the entire house.

Then you've done admirably well,
Belton.

[ scoffs

Far better, I regret to say,
than your master.

You require more information,
sir?

No, I've got all the information
I need.

It's not information I need now.

It's inspiration.

I've cracked some hard nuts in
my time, but -- but this one...

You see, Belton, the case,
as I see it, stands thus --

the diamonds will be brought
in the casket from the bank

where it reposes
on the morning of the ball.

Now, I shall have access
to that casket --

without the diamonds,
of course --

from the period
possibly extending

from : in the morning
until : at night,

when I have to return them
to the duchess.

Now, after the ball,

the diamonds are gonna be put
back in the casket,

the casket placed in the safe,

and the butler and one footman

will stand guard over them
all night.

You see, to break in
to that house

and in to that particular room
during the night

would be virtually impossible,

whereas to rob her grace
of the diamonds during the dance

would be equally
out of the question.

If I might inquire, sir?

Well, go ahead, Belton.

Are you entirely confident, sir,

that we have not set ourselves
an impossible task?

Belton, the one thing I am not
at this moment is confident.

The casket, sir?

Yes.

Yes, Belton.

I think our one hope lies
with that casket, too.

But how are we gonna turn it
to our advantage? Well?

The Lord Amberley is here.

Oh, well, ask his lordship
to come in at once, will you?

Thank you, Belton.
That'll be all.

Very good, sir.

The Lord Amberley!

Forgive my barging in like this.

Oh, my dear fellow,
what an unexpected pleasure.

Now, what brings you here
so early in the day?

I've just seen Wiltshire
at the club.

He's a damn cold fish,

but, by God, I thought
he was gonna have an apoplexy.

Oh, really?

Well, he seemed in perfectly
good health yesterday

when I saw him.

Oh, it's not his health, Carne.
It's his temper.

I've never seen him so angry
in my life.

Oh, really?

Well, what was the cause
of this outburst?

Your neighbor.

What, Klimo?

Oh, yes, of course.
Yes, I remember now.

The duke was frightfully annoyed
yesterday

because Klimo said
he couldn't visit him

until : last night.

Oh, that was only the start.

Wiltshire offered Klimo
, guineas

for the night's work,

and Klimo
has turned him down flat.

Oh, no, I don't believe it.

It's as true
as I'm standing here.

But that's incredible.

I mean, how could
a private detective

possibly turn down
such a princely reward?

AMBERLEY: On the grounds
of principle, it seems.

Principle?
Private detective?

You go too far.

No, no, I mean it.

He pointed out to Wiltshire

that there were servants
resident in the house

and that people
were coming to the ball.

Oh, he added that this
wasn't taking into account

the members
of the Viennese orchestra

or a small army of foreign
waiters engaged for the evening.

In the circumstances, he said,

no private detective

could possibly guarantee
the safety of the diamonds.

It would be dishonest
to pretend otherwise.

Confound it.

You know, I have to admit that I
begin to admire this man Klimo.

But couldn't he offer
any constructive suggestions?

AMBERLEY:
Oh, yes.

He strongly advised Freddy

to approach Chief Superintendent
Vyvyan of Scotland Yard

and ask for discreet
police protection.

You know, members of the force
patrolling the grounds

and surroundings of the house
all night.

Well, that seems like
common sense to me.

Well, of course it is.

Well,
then he saved the duke £ , .

You ought to be pleased
with Klimo, not angry with him.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, you don't know Freddy.

He likes to get his own way,
regardless,

and it infuriates him
to discover solid virtues

like honesty and common sense
in people he despises.

Yes, private detectives,
for example.

AMBERLEY:
Oh, just so, my dear chap.

And when Klimo had
the audacity to say

that having saved him
£ , guineas,

it would be a nice gesture if
his grace gave it to charity...

Oh, no, he didn't.

AMBERLEY:
Upon my soul,

I'd have given anything
to see old Freddy's face.

Yes, I must say I'd have liked
to have seen that, too.

You're gonna have another
glass of Madeira, are you?

AMBERLEY:
Oh, yes, yes, thanks.

This your latest toy?

CARNE:
Oh, yes.

Yes, I picked it up from
a Chinese peddler in the street.

I couldn't resist it.

What's the trick?

Well, it's perfectly simple.

You see, you take a coin.

Now, you put the coin in there,
yes?

Now, you press it in,
pull it out.

Your coin's gone.

Now, push it in, pull it out.

You've got your coin back.
You see?

Push it --

AMBERLEY: I haven't seen one of
those since I was at school.

- May I?
-Yes, yes, of course.

That's ingenious, isn't it?

Yes, and so simple,
so marvelously simple,

and yet so effective.

-[ Bells chiming]
-Excuse me.

I promised I'd meet Kitty
in Bond Street.

Oh, shocking bad form, dropping
in unannounced like that.

I'll try not to do it again.

My dear fellow,
never stand on ceremony with me.

Otherwise, we won't be friends.

[ Chuckles ]

[Door closes]

Besides, you'll never realize
how welcome you were.

Gentlemen, there is a barb
in the side of Scotland Yard.

This barb has a name -- Klimo.

Since he set up in business
a month ago,

there have been five
major burglaries in London.

In none of these
have the thieves been caught,

nor the booty recovered.

Yet in each case, while we have
been following up a false scent,

he has come up not only
with a plausible explanation

of how the crime was committed,

but one so convincing

that it stands up
to the closest scrutiny.

And what of us, gentlemen,
the true professionals?

A single individual

is fast making a laughingstock
of Scotland Yard.

How?

Ask yourselves that question.

How is it possible
for one man to succeed,

where we,

with all the aids of criminal
science at our disposal,

have failed?

Lucky guesswork?

Not in a hundred years.

Could it then be, by some faint
chance, a matter of prescience?

Prescience.
Inspector Fullalove?

- Yes, sir?
-What does prescience mean?

Then let me tell you.

It means foreknowledge.

And if Mr. Klimo
is so remarkably prescient,

it isn't because he enjoys
second sight.

Oh, dear, no.

I think we are dealing with
a highly intelligent criminal

who succeeds in making
the best of both worlds.

I think that he plans
and executes daring robberies

and then, in the guise
of a private detective,

extorts fat fees
from his victims

by the simple expedient

of telling them
how the crime was committed.

Not once, you will notice,

have his efforts succeeded in
the thief being brought to book

nor the stolen valuables
being recovered.

Tomorrow night, gentlemen,

the Duke of Wiltshire
holds a ball

in his residence
in Belgrave Square.

The duchess will be wearing
the famous Wiltshire diamonds.

I put their worth,
at a conservative estimate,

at£ , .

His grace had a notion
of employing Klimo

as a safeguard against
the diamonds being stolen

and offered him , guineas
for his services.

I jest not, gentlemen.
, guineas.

And how does Klimo respond
to his lordship's munificence?

He says no.

He says the responsibility
is too great for one man.

He says the duke should give the
money to the police orphanage

and seek the protection
of Scotland Yard.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

whoever heard of such nobility
of spirit, such humility,

such Christian self-denial
in a private detective?

No one.
And for why?

Because
there's no such creature.

If Klimo doesn't want
the duke's money,

it's because he wants
the necklace instead.

Well, he's overreached himself
this time.

His grace has taken
Klimo's advice.

Tomorrow night, Scotland Yard
will be on the scene,

and we shall be ready
for any eventuality.

Any eventuality.

[Knock on door]

- Good morning, Belton.
-Good morning, sir.

CARNE:
Well, what news?

As we rightly surmised, sir,

behind the coping

linking the empty residence
with Wiltshire House

is a deep, lead-lined culvert
for carrying off rainwater.

I reached the window of
the butler's room in six paces,

scratched the paintwork near
the catch with my penknife,

and returned again, unseen.

Uh-huh.
What about footprints?

Owing to the present dry spell,
sir,

the bottom of the culvert

is covered with a dry,
sooty sediment.

I left an excellent set of
prints both going and returning.

Good.

Let's hope there isn't a fall
of rain in the next hours.

Unlikely, sir.
The barometer continues to rise.

So far, so good.

You will now resume
the disguise and character

of Mr. James Braithwaite.

I want you to call on Messrs.
Horniblow and Jimson again.

Say that you're now
so interested in the property

that you want their keys back.

Do I go to Belgrave Square?

No, you do not.

You take the first train
to Newbury.

There you will send a telegram
to the agents,

saying that you have retained
the keys

but you'll return them to them

when you come up to town
in the morning.

In fact, I want you to come
back here immediately.

I can't possibly dress
for the Wiltshire ball tonight

without you to help me.

And in the morning?

As Mr. James Braithwaite,
you will return the keys.

I am still interested
in the property?

No, Belton, no.

Your surveyor
has discovered dry rot.

[ Chuckles ]

So, leaving
a somewhat despondent

Messrs. Horniblow and Jimson,

you proceed by hansom cab

to the premises
of Mr. Isaac Benz,

the well-known pawnbroker
opposite Chelsea Barracks.

Now, you'll ask to see
Mr. Benz personally

about the sale
of some valuable diamonds.

In fact, Mr. Benz left
Southampton two days ago

for a business trip to New York.

Now, no doubt his assistant
will do his best to oblige you

in his master's absence,

but you don't want to deal
with him.

Then, muttering something
about the inconveniences

of having to go to Amsterdam
at such short notice,

you depart.

- Is that clear?
-As crystal, sir.

You then go to the public
convenience in Sloane Square.

Sir?

Yes. Discard your mustache

and leave your top hat
and overcoat in the cubicle

and buy yourself a bowler hat
from the nearest hatter

and proceed by hansom
to Piccadilly,

where you will walk
the rest of the way home.

I want you back here by : .

- Is that clear?
-Very good, sir.

May I say it seems an admirably
thorough arrangement?

Thank you, Belton.
You may.

Thank you, sir.

Now, what time is it?

BELTON:
: , sir.

Ah, look, you'd better let me
finish dressing by myself.

Bring my breakfast in here
immediately, will you?

I have to pick up the casket
in one hour.

BELTON:
Very good, sir.

- Oh, Belton?
-Sir?

How are Mujib and Asif
getting on?

They have been working
all night, sir.

CARNE:
Oh, good.

And no doubt
will have to work all day.

Well, is the word good?

The master shall see for himself
if we have labored well.

Well, the proportions
seem to be exact.

Yes, excellent.

Well, it looks all right,
but will it do the trick?

If the master will deign to use
this, he will see for himself.

CARNE: [ Chuckling]
Oh, yes.

Yes, this is extremely
well done.

Excellent.

You are both great craftsmen.

It was you, master,
who provided the clue.

What we have done
is very simple.

Yes, but so effective.

Now, here's the real test.

You have eight hours.

Can you, in that time,

reproduce the exact mechanism
from this box into this casket?

And bear in mind
it has to be easy to remove

and impossible to detect.

Assuredly, my lord.

We have overcome
the real difficulty.

All we have to do here

is to adjust the lock
and fit the spring.

[Speaking native language]

Four hours will suffice.

Yes, good.

So, he bought the boat,

and Fitzhardy put him up
for membership

at the Royal Yacht Squadron.

I Laughter]

Mr. Simon Carne, your grace.

Oh, thank you, Dewhurst.
Oh, come in, Carne.

We were just having
a little quiet reunion

before the invasion begins.

CARNE: Well, I do apologize
for arriving so early.

The fact is, I wanted to return
the casket in good time.

Mr. Carne, I do hope you got
all the photographs you require.

A dozen plates.

I anticipate excellent results.

I'm deeply grateful
to your grace.

Here you are, Carne.

May I raise my glass to the two
most beautiful women in London?

AMBERLEY: Hear, hear!
To Cordelia and Kitty.

Oh, Carne, you heard how
that fellow Klimo let me down?

Yes. Yes, I did,

and I must say I do feel,
in some measure, responsible.

Oh, no, that's nonsense,
of course not.

No, I confounded his insolence
at the time,

but I've changed my mind since.

Oh, yes, he was right to refuse.

It was asking too much
of one man.

And now the whole place

is simply swarming with the most
dreadful men from Scotland Yard.

Don't exaggerate, my dear.

Just a few men patrolling
the grounds against intruders.

And I've permitted
two plainclothes officers

inside the house,
disguised as servants.

You know, I've been thinking.

Supposing the necklace
was stolen

in spite of your precautions.

Oh, that's impossible.

Yes,
but for the sake of argument.

A bit embarrassing
to watch Scotland Yard

questioning
half fashionable London.

I wouldn't allow it to happen.
Unthinkable.

But such
a priceless possession --

you would be bound
to tell the police, surely.

Perhaps so.

But you know something?

I think I'd call in
that fellow Klimo first.

Your grace, the first carriages
are arriving.

Oh, hell.
All right, Dewhurst.

Well, come on, my dear.

We must go forth
and meet the fray.

You know, really Freddy
simply hates these functions.

He's the most inhospitable man
I know.

I'm not inhospitable,
just unsociable.

[ Chuckles ]

Come on, Kitty.

- CARNE: Amberley.
-Hmm?

Have you ever examined
this casket?

I can't say I have,
not closely, no.

Oh, it's an exquisite thing.

As far as I'm concerned,

it's just a cozy nest
for those fabulous diamonds.

[ Men laugh ]

[Sighs]

Ohh!

- You may go, Annette.
-[ Giggles ]

Well, now, wait a minute,
my dear.

[Clears throat]

This is my privilege, huh?

I think the evening
went quite beautifully.

As long as you were pleased,
my dear.

I was. I am.

Oh, what a pity.

Back they go into darkness
for another three whole months.

Quite so.

Not yet, Freddy, not yet.

Why not?

The diamonds, dear.
You must lock them away.

Back in a moment, my dear.

Yes, dear.

I see.
So far, so good.

Yes, sir.

So, we've two policemen in the
house, patrols in the grounds,

and the diamonds
are back in the safe.

Yes, sir.

I shan't rest
till they're back at the bank...

FULLALOVE:
No, sir.

...or, better still,
till we catch him in flagrante.

Where, sir?

In flag--
Klimo, you fool,

because he's going to try
for them, Fullalove.

Oh, yes, he's going to try.

What is it, Dewhurst?

The carriage is waiting,
your grace.

Good.

Oh, Freddy, Freddy,
one last look at them

before they go away
for another three months.

I'll be down directly.

Aah!

What do you mean
the diamonds are missing?

The duke hasn't informed us.

FULLALOVE: I only learned
quite by chance, sir.

I overheard the butler telling
the coachman.

Coachman?

His grace has sent his carriage
to fetch Klimo.

Klimo?!

[Irish accent]
Well, your grace,

I was wondering, you see,
before I haste away,

if I could just examine
that casket.

Yes, there it is.
Empty!

Well, it's impossible.

I can't believe it!

Oh, my poor Cordelia.

Do you know, Amberley,
the shock has prostrated her?

AMBERLEY: You did the
right thing, my dear chap.

If anybody can solve
this mystery, Klimo can.

Yes, but how the devil
can it have happened?

Ah, well, now, your grace,

I think I'm able to tell you
how the crime was committed.

There you are.
What did I tell you?

Come on, Klimo.
Explain.

Oh, now, now, forgive me,
Lord Amberley.

You're quite right.
Oh, you're a clever lad.

Yes, yes,
the knowledge is very useful,

but the important thing here
is to save his diamonds.

Speed is of the essence.

I'll report back in two hours.

Ooh, if you summon the police,

they'll probably
want to examine the casket.

I'll leave it with your grace.

Thank you.

What an astonishing man.

Oh, for God's sake, Amberley,
give me a brandy.

Oh, very kind of you,
my dear fellow.

I'm sorry, your grace.

God damn it, Dewhurst.
What's the meaning of this?!

Where's Klimo?

How dare you presume
to enter my --

Your grace is impeding
the course of justice.

Now, look here --

ls Klimo here, or is he not?
Answer me, sir.

He's just left.

And has the Wiltshire diamonds
with him!

The fellow's mad.

[Normal voice]
All right, now, calm yourself.

Calm yourself.
No need to worry.

I can help you off with your --

- Thank you, Mrs. McVitie.
-There you are.

There we are.
Oh, just one moment.

I was forgetting
one trifling matter.

Now you may let the police in.

As soon as you've let them in,
take those around to Mr. Belton.

Tell him to put them
in the usual place, will you?

Yes, very well, Mr. Klimo,
if you say so.

Yes, I do.
Let them in immediately.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir?

In there.

[Irish accent]
Ah, well, I do believe

it's Superintendent Vyvyan.

What an unexpected pleasure
this is.

That'll do, Mr. Klimo.

You can hand back
his grace's diamonds now.

Well, where are they?

- Well?
-Nothing, sir.

What? But they must be there
somewhere.

No, sir.

Then turn the whole place
upside down.

Ah, that's a lovely idea.

Then we're gonna waste
even more time in the process.

Well, have you any suggestions,
Mr. Klimo?

CARNE:
Yes, I have.

You see, your grace,

the entry to Wiltshire House

was affected through
the empty premises next door.

Now, had I been
Superintendent Vyvyan,

I would have immediately
made inquiries

from the estate agents
of that empty house,

Messrs. Horniblow and Jimson.

And then I would spread my neck
over every pawnbroker in London.

By this time, I think
we might have produced results.

Even now it may not be too late.

But I'm not sanguine,
your grace.

I fear that you may never see
the Wiltshire diamonds again.

Well, men, what have you to say?

I shall continue
with my investigations

in my own way, your grace.

And damn well apologize
to Mr. Klimo here.

I'm sorry you missed
all the fun, Carne.

It's damn bad luck on Wiltshire.

But, my God, you've got
a remarkable neighbor.

Yes.

Yes, I must say,
as a student of human nature,

he begins to arouse my interest.

But of course, as one can never
make the acquaintance

of a private detective,

I'm afraid my curiosity
is likely to remain unsatisfied.

Well, there's a way around that,
surely.

Oh? What do you suggest,
my dear fellow?

Get yourself robbed, Carne.

Hmm?

- Get yourself robbed!
-[ Both laugh]