08x02 - The f*ckin' V-Team

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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08x02 - The f*ckin' V-Team

Post by bunniefuu »

I'm so cold.

Oh my f*ck, Ricky!

That f*cking air conditioner's
outta control, Julian.

We got to shut the f*cking
thing down!

Ricky! Ricky!
Are you all right in there?

That thingis an air conditioner.

Oh f*ck,
it even froze the dog!

You got to knock the door in,
Julian.

Use your muscles.

f*ck off with the cocksuckin'noise!

Donny, watch your language!

There are children
in this park!

Ricky!
God!

Oh my god,
it's freezing in here!

My god, he's like a fish stick!

Well we've gotta
get him outta here

and warm him up!
Come on!

- We got to thaw him!
- Grab his arm!

We got to thaw him,
get the heat!

Go get the hairdryer
out of the shed.

Come on!

Get my hairdryer!

Come on, get him out!

Oh my god, he's frozen. He's frozen!

Ricky!

I can't find a pulse, man.

Blast him with that thing,
Barb.

Ricky, can you hear us?

Just wait, turn it off
for a second.

I think he's breathing
through the joint.

Come on, Ricky, come on.

Oh...

Oh, sh*t.

Holy f*ck, that's good hash.

Hey, don't listen to him,

he's a g*dd*mn caveman,
for f*ck's sakes, Barb.

I think it's very funny
that you guys call him that.

I came home one day
and actually caught him

with my tole paints.

He was painting these weird
little stick figures

and animals on the wall
with his fingers.

See, and you're gonna
listen to him

and let him get you down?

Come on.

Barb, there's too much
at stake here, okay,

you just can't give up.

I just don't have that
kind of money for one thing,

and for another thing, I can't
ask Jim lahey for any favours.

The sale of this place
is gonna give me a nest egg

and I'll be able
to get a little trailer

down in Florida
and escape.

Look, if I can get lahey
on board with this one percent,

I could easily raise
enough money to buy Sam out.

You and I could be partners.

Where are you gonna get that
kind of money, Julian?

I can't be part
of something illegal.

I'm not talking
about illegal stuff,

maybe a little bit,

but I could raise most
of the money from this bar.

Bubs said he'd kick
in whatever he makes

off the shed n breakfast
once he opens it up.

And, Barb,

I don't know if you know this
or not,

but you're like a mother
to most of us.

You just can't give upon everyone.

Think about it.

You and I together, as partners,

we'd be f*cking unstoppable.

How can you possibly be happy

knowing you were fired
and lost your f*cking pension

because of those guys?

I'm not interested,
George.

Every time I try
to take those guys down,

I lose.

Look, all I'm saying

is if we could get these guys
on something big,

I guarantee we could
get ourselves reinstated

on the force.

Or are you okay with having
"dishonourably discharged"

on your record?

George...

I'm finally in control
of my own destiny here.

Julian needs something
that I have,

and I'm going to use it
very quietly

to get what I want.

How bad does he need it?

Bad enough to start
breaking the law to get it?

The two of us,
under cover in this park,

would be unstoppable,
Jim.

We could take them down,

and they'd never even
see it coming.

Reinstated, huh?

Here, dad.

Me and Jacob rolled these for
you from that hash you gave me.

Jacob?

Get some rest.

I'll come see you after work,
'Kay? Love you.

Love you too.
You look nice, sweetheart.

The thing about my dad
is he's been electrocuted...

Whoa!

- I'm on fire, boys!
- And sh*t...

Ah, f*ck!

f*ck!
Ah, f*ck!

Got in car accidents...

sh*t, just keep driving,
we'll lose 'em in the trees.

We just thawed him out,
gave him a joint,

and he's fine.

All right, guys, I got a plan,

but Barb cannot know
about this.

How do you feel about dipping
into your retirement funds?

That way we can buy out
Samand just pay you back.

- It's easy.
- Right.

It's not that simple.

We wouldn't get sh*t
for my f*cking weed right now,

the market's flooded.
And besides,

it's all frozen in my trailer.

What about oil? You said
there's a lot of money in oil.

There is, it's great money,

but it's a pain in the f*cking
ass to make,

and Sebastian bach ordered
a Mason jar full

and that's gonna take
at least two weeks

to make just that.

Well, Ricky,
if it's just a time thing,

I might be able to streamline
the process for you, you know.

I'm pretty good
at that kind of sh*t.

Sure man.

That's a good start,
but it's not good enough.

Just so you guys know,

I'm gonna do whatever
it takes to save this park,

and I'd really appreciate it
if you guys were both on board

with me, okay?

All right,
mister f*cking growly pants.

All right, bubs, can you
put orangey out for a suntan

for a bit?

A suntan?

Ricky, I don't think
you're supposed to put fish

in the direct sun.

Yeah you are, that's what
givesthem their shiny coat

and makes their flippers grow.

Julian!

Hey, Jim.

To what do I owe the pleasure

of this wonderful
muscular machine?

Hey, can I get you
a rum drinky poo?

No, I'm on the whiskey now,
I'm good thanks.

Oh sorry, Julian,
I've got no whiskey left.

Here, have a seat.

Hey, you must be hitting
the gym lately,

you're looking pretty fit,
bud.

Let's just cut
to the chase.

What's it going to take
to get your one percent?

Oh, Julian, that itsy bitsy
one percent isn't for sale.

I mean, why would I want
to part with that?

Jim, you know we need it
to buy out Sam, come on.

Oh, yeah,
I never thought of that.

That one percent
is really, really,

really gonna be hard
for me to part with

because you know I'm pretty
sentimental about it.

Besides, I mean,

I don't have time to think
about that kind of thing,

I'm, I'm busy
trying to figure out

what I'm gonna do
with my retirement.

Hey, maybe there's something
you could help me with.

You know,
you give me a little hand,

I give you a little hand.

What do you think,
bud?

What do you want me to do?

Well...

What are you doing?

We could be creative,
Julian.

Cheers, bud.

Wanna be my partner?

I want your help.

Well, maybe you help me,

and I'll help you, Julian.

Lahey's been trying to f*ck
meover my entire life,

but now that's he's retired,

I'm hoping that, hey,

he might actually
want to try to help us out.

So, if that means that
I gotta break the law

to get him things
that's gonna make him happy,

then I'm going to do it.

Julian!

You got to be f*cking
kidding me, Marvin.

Julian, I know how this sh*t
always goes with you guys.

I mean, I'm fine that
you're partners with Barb,

but I want you to promise me

that we're gonna do this
the right way

and keep the illegal sh*t
to a minimum.

Bubs,
I can't promise you that,

I've got way too much sh*t
on the go right now, man.

Thanks, sweetie.

Well, I'm not going
to f*cking jail.

So, I mean,
I do wanna be involved,

but if I'm going to do this,

I need to be in charge to keep
things from getting fucky.

That's the deal.

All right,
we're cool with that.

What do you think?

Okay, boys, well,

there's only one team
in the history of the world

that was super tuned
and super successful,

and that was the a-team.

That's what I wanna
model this after.

We are gonna be the v-team:

Ricky, you're over here,
Julian, you're over here.

There can't be any direct
communication

about illegal stuff,
it has to flow through me,

down here at the v.
The v-team.

Do you get it?

I don't know man.
Yeah, yeah I guess,

but that's why the a-team
was probably so good, right.

Because it's...

You know, they got this little
shortcut-y path-y thing

right here in the middle,

so instead of having
to go up here,

you just cut
right across here.

No, Ricky, that had nothing
to do with the f*cking a-team.

I'm just using it
as an example.

We are going to be the v-team,
just like that.

That way you two can't decide
to, you know,

do something like steal
a bunch of f*cking sheds

when you have perfectly
good money

to buy the f*cking things.

Has to flow through me.
All right?

All right,
I'm cool with it.

Yeah, I guess, man.

Okay, boys, put 'em in.
This is awesome.

Let's do this as a team
and buy this park!

Put 'em in, Ricky.
One, two, three, v-team!

f*ck!

Did you hit yourself, Ricky?

Somebody did.

Randy, I don't need a g*dd*mn
drinking schedule.

I'm fine, bud.

Mr. lahey, you're gonna spend
your entire retirement

down at Julian's bar

drinking that roc vodka
every day.

Yeah.

I think liquor's the reason
for your little problem.

Come on, Mr. lahey,
just give it a try.

Check this out.
Look.

Weekdays you can havethree
beer or wine coolers,

on Friday you can have fouror five,

and on Saturday,
it's a free for all,

you can have as much
as you want.

Randy, I can have a free...

Gentlemen, I was wondering
if I could have an hour off?

I have the chance to woo
a beautiful woman

with a song I wrote,
and f*ck the sh*t out of her.

♪ My eyes capture your soul ♪

♪ So then my hands
may touch your body ♪

The fact that he went ahead

and hired an assistant
supervisor,

while I'm still the supervisor,
doesn't really bother me.

What does get me
is the fact that he hired

the first person
he interviewed.

The fact that the guy's
got chiselled features,

a great body,
silky hair,

and warm beautiful voice

is probably has nothingto do with it.

♪ And I am like the wind ♪

♪ You can blow me anytime ♪

♪ Just take me in your mouth
and blow me ♪

Oh, that was beautiful,
Donald.

Thanks, Randy.

Of course you can have
an hour off.

Take two, buddy.

Ah, f*cking fantastic.

Uh, ra-Randy, Randy.

Yeah, maybe I could give this
drinking schedule thing a sh*t.

Why not?

That's it, boys,

keep sloshing the weed
around the isopropyl.

- Break that sh*t up.
- Oops.

Corey, take your f*cking time,
you stupid cocktard.

- Ricky, be nice.
- What's next?

Well, then we run that mixture
through a cheesecloth,

get rid of all the solid
bullshit.

Then, we've gotta boil off
the alcohol in these pots,

and that is f*cking
dangerous.

Gotta be the exact
temperature.

- But that's it?
- Once it's boiled off,

what's left is honey oil?

Yeah man,
the best you'll ever smoke.

Oh my f*ck!

All right, listen up,
you ass sprinklers,

you guys are going to have
to work together a lot now.

And Cory, if Jacob fucks up,
be really hard on him.

It's the only way
he's going to learn.

I'm going to give you guysfour strikes,

and thanks to thatlittle f*ck up, Corey,

you guys have got three left.

Gotta get back to work, boys.

Back to work? I'm in the middle
of making honey oil

for that rock d*ck, man.

I'll be lucky to finish
on time as it is.

Ricky,
if this is the whole process,

I can streamline
the sh*t out of this.

Couple things from the mall

and I could have this
whole thing running slicker

than an oiled up whore
at a fishing derby.

Good, make it happen, thanks.

Well, let's go to the mallright now.

Put your f*cking plungers down.

I need you guys to steal me
a Van, meet me at the mall.

Cool.

All right, man.

Dude, what do you needa plunger for?

I'm in charge,
I was put in charge.

I was put in charge,
you know what I'm sayin'?

You also got a strike
against us.

All right, well I'm not trying
to blame anyone for that,

or anything,
but you know what?

I wouldn't have stuck
the thing in the bucket

if you weren't, like...
You know what I'm sayin'?

I merely said to her,
your hair is like gold,

you must be some kind
of treasure.

I like your chest.

She reminded me
of my twin sister.

I didn't know
you had a twin sister.

Ah yes,
the most beautiful,

kind soul on the face
of the earth.

Holy f*ck, Randy, where'd
allthe smoke come from, bud?

Smoke? What smoke?

Frig off, Ricky!

Mr. lahey told me I should
leave those guys alone,

but if Ricky keeps friggin'
pushing me-

Shhh! Shhh!

Let inner peace
through all your soul.

Karma will do the rest.

What's up, dude?

Got the Van.
Got the Van.

Where did you get the Van?

- They rented it.
- What the f*ck happened to you?

There was a dog
in the back of the Van.

When we, uh, rented it.

It att*cked me big time.

Oh yeah,
rental Van companies

always keep f*cking att*ck dogs
in the back.

Jake, Cory, you guys
really are f*ckin' dumber

than stupid, aren't ya?

Oh no, dude,
that dog was big.

You know what else? The whole
package was in his mouth.

And what the f*ck
were you doing

while the dog was chewing
on his testicles?

- I played dead, man.
- Walked right past me.

My balls are killin' me guys, I
think I need to go to the hospital.

We don't have time to go
to the hospital right now.

You're gonna be fine,
it's just a little scratch.

Jesus!

Here, Cory,
take the hash coins,

go see Steviein the hardware department

at the f*cking zellers,
okay?

Tell him you need
a rice cooker-

two rice cookers,
two rice cookers we need.

Two rice cookers, a power bar,
and shop vac filters, okay?

Yeah. He's gonna
trade it for hash.

Cory, the cookers needs to be
the sixty-five hundred model

with the buttons on the front.

Cool.

- It's all good.
- Try not to f*ck that up.

What model number is it, Cory?

Sixty-five hundred,
I got this, dude.

Going to see Tommy
right now.

Tommy's a guy, you know,
I've known since high school.

We used to call him
"Tommy bean"

'cause he used to carry around
a bag of Benny's,

so, you know,
here comes Tommy bean

with his bag of beans.

Anyway, the only thing
I could think of to get lahey

was a couple gambling machines
'cause he likes to gamble.

So, if you wanna
get sh*t like that,

you go see Tommy bean.

No, bro, they're rigged up,
right.

So they pay out percent,
I get percent,

you guys walk away with

free and clear,
nice and easy.

f*cking beautiful.
You're a lifesaver, Tommy.

Yeah, bro,
you know I'll hook you up.

There you go, tom.

What the f*ck is this?

That's three gram for
the deposit for the machines,

minus the three hundred bucks
that you owe me

for the Moroccan hash
I got you in jail.

Dumbassess,
I said it was cash.

Who do I look like,
f*cking Jack cartier

and his fur trading post
here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Fuckers! I told you cash!

What the f*ck are you gonna do,
sh**t us with a slingshot?

Put this sling right up your ass
mother fucker, you know it!

That's f*cking five grand
worth of hash,

you f*cking cock-cheese idiot!

Calm the f*ck down,
home alone!

I see you back there.

Tommy, put down the slingshot.

Listen, keep the hash
as a deposit,

I'll have the money for you
next week, I promise.

Just put it down, come on.

All right.

One week.

I'm keeping this,

and you better
have my f*cking money,

or I will come to that bar

and rip those machines
out myself.

Thanks, you f*cking psycho.

Cocksucker!

- Yo, check it!
- Rice cooker right there.

What model number was it again?

Fifty-six hundred, dude,
you got to be listening.

Don't be screwing stuff up
on me now.

I'm sorry, Cory,
let's just hurry.

I got to go to the hospital
or at least a doctor.

Yeah. Okay.

But more importantly,
check it.


I got a good idea.
If we steal everything we need,

then I can keep the hash
Ricky gave me,

no one's gonna know.

No way, Corey,
we can't f*ck this up.

You were just saying that.

Don't be ridiculous, dude,

we're not gonna mess
anything up.

I used to do this type of thing
with Trevor all the time.

Look, let's just do the trade
with Stevie and leave.

Listen, man,
if you're gonna work with me,

you got to trust me.

f*ck okay,
show me what to do.

Uh... yeah.

It's the oldest trickin the book, dude,

the reverse trojan.

It's like you pile sh*t
in something

and the you roll it on out.

Who the f*ck pulls outa slingshot?

Those things are f*cking
dangerous, Ricky,

I got scared.

Ricky,
they actually pulled it off.

Holy f*ck, nice work!

Nice work, boys, I thought
you were gonna f*ck thi-

Hey! Freeze!

You are all under arrest
for shoplifting.

Jacob, what the f*ck
did you do?

Oh no, he didn't
do anything, man,

it was like the thing in the...

No talking, assholes!

You are all going to jail.

Why don't you take a long,
glorious suck

on my t-bone cockstick
you wannabe cop pussies.

Dennis, unload!

- Oh you mother... f*ck!
- Ahhh!

You son of a whore!

You getting this, Jim?

I'm telling you,
we should be closer.

That's what a dumb cop
would do, George.

A smart cop would keep
his distance and be patient.

I'm running this operation,
George,

based purely on seniority.

And until this-

Keep filming, Jim,
innocent bystanders.

I need to step in.

What the hell
is going on here?!

Ricky, put the g*n down.

Uh, supervisor green,

two men in the back there,
shoplifted and are resisting arrest.

I gave the two dumbestfuck salamander cocks

there at the back
a piece of hash to trade

to Stevie in the hardware
department.

Wasn't supposed to be stealing.

You're lucky we don't sue you
for this sh*t. Argh!

So where's the hash?

Consider this
your lucky day, boys.

- Sir...
- f*ck off, George.

Listen up, he's right,
they could sue us.

Holster the pepper spray,
we'll talk about this later.

We're leaving, come on.

What the f*ck
just happened there?

Why is he letting us go?

- I don't know.
- It's burning.

It feels bad because
those f*cking dickheads

with the f*cking pepper spray!

Get in, let's get the f*ck out
of here, you stupid assholes.

- Guys my eye, I can't see.
- Like I can't see.

No talking.

No talking, boys,
it's your fault.

f*ck!

Hey, Jimmy.

Look what I picked up
for you, buddy.

Whoa-ho!

Now that's being creative,
Julian.

I am very impressed.

We are off to a flying start
here, bud.

Now you keep making me happy

and I don't see any reason why
I wouldn't wanna help you out

and make you happy.

So you're happy then?
I'm happy, Jules.

All right, just as long as this
little arrangement that we have

doesn't turn
into a one-way street,

if you know what I mean.

Julian, we're two friends

who're just trying
to help each other out, eh?

Well, you keep scratching
my back

and I'll be sure to scratch
at least one percent of yours.

Okay.
All right, keep playing.

Jesus, Ricky, you could've
avoided that.

What took you guys so long?

What the hell happened
to your eyes?

Cory and Jacob, the f*cking
cock donkey twins

f*cked up big time.

We had to drop them off
at the hospital.

We did manage to get all the
sh*t I need, though, Julian.

Nice!

And I've got some good news
too, boys.

Lahey's gonna help us out.

We're actually
gonna pull this off.

So unload this sh*t,

and get in here
and celebrate with me.

That's f*cking great news.

We don't have time
to celebrate though,

I wanna test out
this honey oil cooker.

It's f*cking insanehow easy this is.

Not bad, huh?

But that's it?

Pretty much. I mean,
I had to take out the gyro

that controls the auto
shut-off,

but you just set her
to long grain,

and f*cking get at 'er,
Ricky.

This is f*cking amazing.

Hey, boys, how'd you make out?

Not good. Doctor said I might
never be able to have kids.

Oh my god.

Well that's actually probably
a good thing, Jacob.

Because well,
the big reason is

you're dumb
and you don't even see it.

Even Trevor knewhow f*cking dumb he was,

but that's the problemwith you,

you actually thinkyou're smart,

when really you're twiceas f*cking dumb

as Trevor ever was.

Ricky, that's enough.

Basically he just sacrificed
his testicles for us.

Yeah, actually,
we were thinking that maybe

because he got his sh*t
f*cked up,

you could find it in your heart
to give us another strike

and cancel out the one
from earlier, dude.

Ricky, it's the least
you could do.

And I'm in charge now.
V-team!

Two smokes, let's go, Jacob.

Yeah, of course.

And your lighter.
Let's go.

All right, boys, I'm gonna
give you back a strike.

I feel bad for what
you went through, Jacob.

- Serious!
- Use it widely, okay?

- No more fuckups.
- Thanks a lot, Ricky.

Thanks, dude.

Ha! Gotcha!

Thanks, Ricky.

He's still not as dumb
as trev.

Oh well, hello there,
handsome.

You must be Donna.
Don's told me all about you.

Oh yes, don, the sweetest
brother in the whole world.

Yes he is.
Pleasure to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Martinis!

Drink?

I'm real proud of you,
Mr. lahey.

I know it must be hard
with everyone else drinking.

Nothing's too hard for you,
Randy.

Sucking soul son of a shitbag!

Put it on my tab, sweetie.

Yeah, just put it on his thing,
Trinity, thanks.

Hey, Barb, how you doin'?

Hi, hi.
How did it got with Jim?

Good, really good.

I guess we're gonna
make this happen.

Oh good. Listen,
I have something for you.

I, um... you know I've been
doing this crystal therapy

to kind of get my mojo back.

Well, this is a,
this is a citrine crystal

and it, uh, it helps you
manifest your goals.

It attracts wealth
and, and personal power,

and prosperity,
and success.

Nice. Thank you.

I guess we can use
all the help we can get, huh?

What the f*ck is that?

Jesus Christ.

What the f*ck?

Frig off, Cyrus.

As the new supervisor
of sunnyvale trailer park

I'm going to ask you to leave
now or I'm calling the cops!

Want a taste of lead,
you fat walrus pig man?

Put your g*n away.
Ricky, put the g*n down.

I'm trying to run a business
here, guys.

I just wanted
you two pisspots

to meet the future owners
of this f*cking sh*t hole.

Oh, is that right?
How do you figure that?

All's I got to do
is sell a little bit

of this happy dust,
which I have a lot of,

and I will have the down
payment to buy this sh*thole,

flip it to a developer,

and double
or triple my money.

Brilliant plan, there,
Cyrus, you d*ck.

Problem is, you need to be
a majority shareholder

to buy out Barb,
and you ain't that guy.

That's a big fuckup,
isn't it, dummy?

Dickheads.

What the f*ck's
he talking about, Sammy?

It's the first I heard of it.
f*ck me.

Yeah. Well, if you'd learn
to read, Sam, you'd know

that there's a shotgun clause
in the pre-nup.

- Ha ha ha ha!
- Sam can't read, everybody!

Woo!

If you want me to make that
a little bit clearer

because you're not
that bright, guys?

Mr. lahey here, he owns one
percent of this trailer park.

That makes him the deciding
factor here,

and he's with me
and my partner here.

What the f*ck, already?

- Yeah.
- Is that right, fucknuts?

Why don't youget your facts straight

before you come into my park
tootin' your fruity little horn

and sh**t'
your little g*n off?

Well, there's always ways
to make things happen,

isn't there?
Right.

And it ain't over
'til the fat lady sings.

While she's blowin' me!

Brilliant.

Come on, Sam!

He's a weapons grade dickhead.

All right, show's over.
Everybody back in the bar.

Jacob, next round's on me
for everyone, bud.

Thank you, Julian.

Did you see the look
on Sam's face

when you said
we were partners?

Yeah, it was awesome.

Maybe this had something
to do with it.

Maybe. Ha!

- Let's go get a drink.
- Let's.
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