10x05 - If You Don't Believe It, It's Not Real

[bunniefuu]

I guess I'm in what they call
the dog house,

which makes no f*cking sense.

I mean, a dog house
is too small.

You couldn't really live in it.

Anyway, there's one thing
a woman can't resist:

Breakfast at bed.
Check that out.

Nice little flower
for a magical touch.

Whoa! That was f*cking close.

Okay, be quiet in here.

Actually you cock peelers
hang back here.

I don't want you
to wake Lucy up, all right?

f*ck!

They didn't touch the floor.
They were on this...

this book here,
so they're fine.

Okay, stay here.

Hey, Luce.

Lucy, wake up.

I got breakfast for you, babe.

Lucy.

Lucy.

Hey.

I brought you
breakfast at bed.

What the... You...

And I wanted to come here and
just say how f*cking sorry I am

for f*cking
things up so bad, okay?

It's never going to happen
again, I can promise you that.

This is breakfast in bed?
Some Cheerios and a...

There was a little bit more but a
little bit got spilt on the way in.

The f*cking camera guys
knocked it over.

Thanks. It's great.
It's really...

You still mad?

Still mad? Are you
f*cking kidding me?

Of course, I'm mad.

I'm spending
all of this energy

thinking that we're going
to have a baby together

and you're spending
all your energy

thinking you're going to break the
law with your best f*cking friend.

Like, yeah, I'm mad. Lucy,
listen to me, I promise you

that I will never,
never lie to you

never again
about anything.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Well, actions speak louder than words.
So prove it.

You know what?
I can prove it right now.

Because I'm not going
to lie to you.

Can I borrow your car
to do a truck heist?

Oh! A what?

It's... not really a... It's
actually a legal robbery.

It was set up by that
lawyer you used to bang.

You know what...

It's totally...
like, zero risk.

Just take the f*cking car.
I really...

I really just...
I don't f*cking care.

Really? Awesome, Lucy.

Yeah. You can take
the breakfast as well.

You're not going
to eat this?

It's fine. I'll eat it.

That's great. Just go.
Right on, Lucy.

You know what, this honesty
stuff's really f*cking cool!

Yeah, just get
the f*ck out...

Love you.

What the f*ck, boys!
You can't be filming Lucy

when she's in
f*cking bed and stuff!

Get the f*cking...
away from me.

Okay, boys, brand new formula.

You're going to f*cking love it.

Take lots of notes, all right?

How fast it kicks in,
how strong it is,

how long it lasts,
everything.

I've actually got a lot of
stuff to do today, Ricky.

No, you have just
this to do today.

Can I ask one question?
You just did.

Boys, we doing this?
I've got Lucy's car.

You've got Lucy's car?

Nice work, buddy.

Bubbs, let's go, man.

I think I'm just going to
hang back here, Julian.

I've got some
cart work to do.

Bubbs, it's going to
take a half hour, man.

Why aren't you cool
with this now?

Well, I'm cool with it.

Well, let's go, then!

Cory, Jacob,
you're coming with us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! We're
not taking these guys!

Rick, they've got to
drive the truck, man.

I know but they
might be f*cked.

They're always f*cked.
Come on, let's go.

I don't want this guy
waiting for us.

I think I'm
feeling it already.

Well, you're going to have
to f*cking ride it out.

Don't be a p*ssy.

And don't tell Julian.

You cool, Bubbs?

I'm f*cking as cool as can be.

Got your g*n?

g*n, I don't need
a f*cking g*n, do I?

Here's all the f*cking
masks and sh*t, boys.

Look, if you guys leave,
I promise I'll testify.

I just want
my life back, Barb.

Give us a minute, girls.

Jim, sit down.

Barb, listen...
No, Jim...

Look, I realize how hard
this has been for you.

You do?
Of course I do!

But the problem
is that Candy...

Candy has grown
so attached to this place

there's no way
she would leave.

I mean, I wouldn't want to be the
person to tell her, would you?

So, you see,
you will testify

because you are
a weak, little man.

A shell
of your former self.

Buh-bye, fuckface.

Buh-bye!

Bye bye.
Toodle-dee-doo!

Thanks a lot, Barb.

How much longer, Julian?

I can't sit here
watching f*ck-around g*ng

pinching each
other's wieners!

Bubbs, would you
relax, man?

This is all figured out.
It's not all figured out

'cause who's going to drive
the f*cking truck now?

They're not, obviously.

Well, it's not my fault
they're all f*cked up.

It's Ricky's fault. I f*cking
told you they were f*cked

and you wouldn't listen
to me, would you?

Hey, tickle twins! Get the
f*ck over here and smoke this!

You need to come down.
You're driving me nuts!

So you're going to make them
smoke weed to bring them down

from all the liquid weed they ingested?
That's f*cking brilliant, Ricky!

It's not weed, it's hash. If you knew
more about smoking weed and hash,

you'd know what the f*ck
I'm talking about.

Get that sh*t out of your hair!
You look f*cked!

Here comes the
truck, boys!

See, I told you, man.

I guess should take our g*ns out, eh?
Make this look real.

Ricky!
Don't...

Would you put the
f*cking g*n away, man?

What are you doing?

Why would you pull a g*n out
if it's a fake robbery?

He's got a f*cking g*n! Christ!

Jesus Murphy!

Holy...

You've got to be
f*cking kidding me!

Stop the f*cking truck,
you cocksucker!

You're paying for
that f*cking door!

Get out of the f*cking truck!

Get out of the f*cking truck!
Am I going to die?

Get out of the
f*cking truck.

Oh... What are you doing, Danny?
We're Steinberg's guys.

- I'm not Danny.
- I'm f*cking...

Danny got busted for drinking
and driving this morning!

- f*ck's sakes!
- Julian, Jacob's sh*t!

- Oh, my f*ck!
- He's sh*t!

Look at this sh*t!

Look at this
f*cking door! What...

f*cking Jesus!

Julian, you better
get this...

Lucy's going to f*cking
k*ll me over this sh*t!

And this is my
fault, is it?

Well, whose f*cking fault is it?
Would you...

Just let me think! Well, you
better f*cking think quickly!

Relax!
Chill the f*ck out!

Julian, he's f*cking sh*t!

Just give me a second
to think, Bubbs!

Oh, yeah! f*cking nothing
can go wrong here!

Put your
f*cking hands down.

All right, there's been a bit
of a f*ck-up here, okay?

"A bit of a f*ck-up"?

Look at this
f*cking sh*t!

Would you let me talk to
this man for a second?

You said you had it all figured out!
Just!

Just shut the f*ck up
and let me think!

All right.

Your boss set this
whole thing up, okay?

It's an insurance scam.

This is what I' m going to do for you.
Hold this.

You're going to call
the cops in two hours.

You're going to tell them you
pulled over to take a piss.

Someone hopped in your truck,
stole the f*cking thing.

Are we cool? I'm not getting
involved in this sh*t.

Oh, you're not getting involved
in this sh*t, are you?

Maybe I should
call the cops

tell them who sh*t
my f*cking son-of-law!

- f*cking idiot!
- Aaah!

Attempted m*rder,
or take the money.

What's it going to be?

Get the f*ck
out of here!

Run! Move!

Go!

How's he doing, Bubbs?

He's got a f*cking hole

blasted right through
his muffin top!

How do you think he's doing?
Are you in pain, Jacob?

Not really.

It's f*cking
buckshot, man.

Haven't been sh*t with
buckshot since high school.

Are you okay to drive the
truck by yourself, Cory?

Dudes, we should
go fish.

- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- He's f*cked!

He can't drive
anything!

Okay, I'm going to drive the
truck back to the park.

You guys get him stitched
up, meet me back there.

Okay, no f*cking
hospital, though!

Well, where the f*ck
do we take him, then?

I can't believe we're at
the f*cking Denture King!

O-oh!

Sam!

Sam!

Where the f*ck...
There he is.

Sam.
Hang on, Jacob.

Open up, we've got
an emergency, bud!

Sorry, guys,
I'm shut down for renos.

My son-of-law's
bleeding out.

You've got to fix him!

Jacob, get yourself
in here!

Get the f*ck in!

Come on, Cory,
get him.

I've been doing
a lot of thinking.

Maybe Barb was right.

Maybe I am a little weaker
than I used to be.

Well, maybe it's time

for this weak little man

to make a few minor
scientific adjustments.

A lot of adrenaline
flowing through, right now.

Sometimes it gives it an FRH.

That's a False High Reading.

I am involved...

with a trio...

of sexu... hmm!

Sexually-deranged
maniacal rug-munchers.

This'll help to lessen
my adrenaline flow.

Oh, liqueur!

Smooth, tastes fantastic.

And it has way less
alcohol content

which enables me to fine-tune
my liquor levels.

Look at that, look at that.

Hardly any shaking.

Guess what? I bet you
I'm a perfect . .

" . ".

Oh... it's...

it's probably closer to .

with all the adre...
adrenaline but...

I mean, what the f*ck
does numbers mean anyway?

See? The b*llet
went right through, guys.

So a couple
stitches on each side

and it's all good to go!

You're free.

Right on, Jacob.
Thanks, Sam.

Ricky, come on, buddy.
Put the g*n away.

Can't you see
everything's all good now?

Sam, no offence but you
used to be a real arsehole.

How come you're being
so friendly?

Well, Bubbles,
my mother,

God rest
her sexy soul,

she told me on her
f*cking death bed,

"Sam! Don't be such
a f*cking ass-a-hole!"

So I started being nice to
everybody, and you know what?

Everybody's nice to me,
I got money in the bank,

I'm getting f*cked
and sucked,

life is a f*cking
dream, boys!

Your mom was
pretty hot.

Yeah!

Very motivational
speech, too, Sam.

Hey, dude, your
office is f*cked!

See, perfect
example, okay?

The old Sam would
have freaked out.

Some young kids came in
and stole my f*cking safe.

If it wasn't for
what was in that safe,

I wouldn't give a f*ck.
Seriously.

Teeth...

What did you say?

I didn't. I was... commenting
on your beautif...

How did you know there were
teeth in my f*cking safe?

I...
He didn't... No.

There were teeth in there? Those
were my mother's f*cking teeth!

Just calm down.

Which one of you m*therf*ckers...
Whoa! f*ck!

Put the f*cking g*n down!

Ugh!

Dude.

You totally k*lled Sam
with a toothbrush, dude!

I didn't k*ll him,
Cory! I just...

conked him like they did in the movies.
I had to.

f*ck, Bubbs, I don't feel one of
those f*cking pulse-y things, man.

You might have
k*lled him.

What are you talking about?
I just...

conked him with
the toothbrush!

Sam! Sam!

Shouldn't it be...
pulsing or something?

- Jesus, he's all sweaty too.
- Hm... Let me try...

Try kicking him.

Ricky!

Cory, give him
mouth-to-mouth or something.

I ain't kissing Sam,
dude. That's f*cked!

Well, I'm not.

We're going to have to find
something to roll him up in.

I'll bring the car
around back.

We'll take him
with us, I guess.

f*ck! f*ck!

Hey, Steinberg, it's Julian.

Yeah, I'm in the truck right now
just heading back to the park.

So I'm going to need those
re-zoning documents A-S-A-P.

What?

What are you talking about
"It's after hours"?

It's f*cking daytime!

How much?

f*ck, just get...

get the documents to the gate,
okay? For me today.

All right. Okay,
thank you. Bye bye.

Holy f*ck, he's greasy!

Haul the sweaty
cave bitch up the...

Come on, haul him, Cory!

He's really heavy!
I know he's heavy!

Oh, my f*ck!

Just wait.

Jesus!

Ricky!

Ricky, bring it back
a couple of feet.

Holy f*ck, I can't
believe this is happening!

Just bring her back.

Okay, that's good.
That's good!

Ricky!

Ricky!

For f*ck's sakes!

You're right on him!

Ricky, here!

Jesus Murphy,
we've got to lift!

Ricky, you're going
to spin him in half!

Hold on a second.

Oh, sh*t!

You're going to pull
his arm off.

Is he all right?

Yes. Can you just...

Here, let's just...

f*cking thing's
touchy, man.

I couldn't see because
of the f*cking trunk.

Who gives a f*ck?
He's dead.

He probably
didn't feel a thing.

It's just
disrespectful, Ricky.

Let's just... let's get
him on the f*cking roof.

He's heavy as f*ck too!

Oh, f*ck!

Just be careful...

Get your end up
the other end, Cory.

f*ck! What the f*ck! You've
got to put him this way,

- for f*ck's sakes!
- I'm trying!

f*ck, this
assh*le's heavy!

Here, I think, if we
put him lengthways,

it'll be less conspicuous.

This is f*cked.
Maybe we should just

take him to the hospital
or back to his office

and call the police and
say it was an accident.

Julian said no hospitals, and
we can't go to the cops.

They're too f*cking stupid.
They'll never believe you, man.

They're too dumb.
I can't believe

we're even having
this conversation

it's like we're in a
f*cking m*rder mystery!

It's not much
of a mystery.

You k*lled him with a
giant f*cking toothbrush.

Okay, just to be clear, I did
not k*ll caveman Erik Estrada!

We don't even know
he was dead

until you f*cking did a
brake-burn on his head!

You f*cking
k*lled him!

Well, that was kind of
your fault too.

But, anyway,
he may not be dead.

There's a chance
that he's fine!

Wait, dude...

Jesus Murphy!

f*ck. Sorry, dude. We lost him!

Ricky, stop!
We lost him!

For f*ck's sakes!

Oh, my God!
He went right off!

This doesn't make
any f*cking sense!

He's got to be
here somewhere!

Who gives a f*ck?
Ricky, I do.

We're not leaving a f*cking
dead body out here

with our prints
all over it!

Well, if we can't find him, nobody
else is going to f*cking find him!

Hey, dudes, look, I
found somebody's hair.

Somebod... that's Sam's hair,
Cory, for f*ck's sakes!

Oh... these must be
his teeth, then.

Boys, where are you
finding this stuff? Okay.

He's close, then.
He's close.

Where is he?

Holy f*ck,
Cory, here! Look.

Here, come on!

Here he is, boys.

Right on.

- Feels pretty light.
- He's not in here!

What the f*ck are you talking about?
He's got to be in there!

He's not, Ricky.
Oh, my God, you know what?

This is a compressed
cylinder.

If that hit the road at the
right angle at that speed,

he could have sh*t out
like a f*cking cannon.

He could be yards in the woods.
Perfect.

Let's get the f*ck
out of here, then.

The bears'll probably get him and
eat all the evidence. f*ck it!

My f*ck! Ricky...

Look, I'm f*cking
leaving.

You guys can stay and
look for him if you want.

All right? It's done.

Oh, my God,
I can't believe

we're leaving a dead body here.
Then don't believe it.

And then if you don't
believe it, it's not real.

That's what I do.
It's f*cking easy.

That doesn't make any
f*cking sense, Ricky.

How'd you make out, boys?

Pretty good.
Got Jacob all sown up.

There was, uh,
a bit of an incident.

Sam's body
flew off the car.

It was actually
super cool!

What the f*ck
are they talking about?

We k*lled Sam Losco.

What?

I conked him with a
f*cking toothbrush

and then he ran
him over with the car.

So Sam's dead?
Really f*cking dead.

f*ck, boys.

Oh, my God, Jacob,
are you okay?

Hey, Trin. Check it. I
got a little bit sh*t.

sh*t?

Don't worry. I'm okay.

Yeah.
Didn't even cry.

Took it like a man.
Welcome to the family, bud.

f*ck
happened to my car?

Well, Lucy, I could lie to you and
say some dumb-dummy side-swiped us

but I'm not going
to do that.

I'm going to tell you the
truth like I said I would.

Julian f*cked up, the wrong
truck driver was there,

and I got into
a bit of a gunfight.

Jacob was so f*cking high he
didn't take cover and got sh*t.

We took him to Sam's
to get fixed up.

Bubbles k*lled Sam
with a f*cking toothbrush.

- What?
- Oh, my God!

I did not,
It was an accident!

You guys f*cking
k*lled somebody?

You know what?
I'm f*cking done.

I'm done.

What do you mean you're done, Lucy?
I told you the truth.

Just because you
told me the truth

doesn't mean you can do
whatever the f*ck you want to.

Like, you're officially
out of this family.

It's f*cking over.

What?

Wow...

Thanks a lot, guys.
Thanks, Julian.

Ruined my f*cking family!

Julian.

Drive me to the police station.
I'm turning myself in.

Bubbs, we've got to think
about this, man I have to.

Julian!

You've got to come to the
gate and deal with Sam!

He won't leave!
Sam? Sam who?

Sam Losco!
He's all f*cked up!

Come on! What the f*ck
is going on here?

I don't know. Grab his
mother's shitty old teeth!

Oh, my God! Sam!

You're alive!
Thank f*ck!

Stop right there, Sam! I told
you to stay the frig out!

Randy, shut
the f*ck up!

Help the man up.

Oh, my God, Sam. Thank
f*ck you're alive!

Where's my mother's
f*cking teeth?

Julian! Julian!

Here you go, man.

The f*ck happened?

Things just
got out of hand, Sam.

I'm sorry, look,

you f*cking clobber me.
I deserve it.

Give me your
best sh*t.

There's nothing I'd like better
than to k*ll all you f*ckers.

But I promised my mama I
wouldn't be an assh*le any more.

And I'm going
to keep that.

Okay, well, there must be
something I can do for you.

I just want to go home.
Can you call me a cab?

Randy, you heard the man.
Call him a f*cking cab!

Come on, Sam.

Holy f*ck!

He's like the
f*cking Terminator!

A f*cking greasy one.

Thank f*ck.

Let's go.
I'm not a m*rder*r.

Not a m*rder*r!

Hey, Jim.

Oh, having a little
dessert, huh?

Where are your... shitty
little friends, Barb?

Oh, they went
into town.

What are you
bothering me for?

Oh, Jim, look, I, uh...

I'm sorry about earlier. Yeah.

No, listen. I really need
your help on this court case,

I really do.

Look who's being
all prim and proper

now that her hench-whores
aren't here backing her up!

Not on your
f*cking life, Barb!

I'm going to fight you until the
bitter end, you heartless bitch!

You can't
break me, Barb.

I'm too strong.
Oh, oh, you're strong.

Yeah. Yeah.
You're strong.

You're strong enough
to face everyone

when I tell them
the truth?

The truth about what?

You know about what!

We made a promise.
Huh?

No one can ever
find out about this.

You wouldn't!

Oh, this
"heartless bitch" would!

Hm, gee, I wonder who
I should tell first.

What do you
want me to do?

Well, let me see...

How about whatever
the f*ck I tell you?

Holy f*ck!

You guys aren't going to believe
what's in this f*cking truck.

Ready? Unless Trinity's
wedding money is in there,

I don't really give a f*ck.

Well, I'm about to change
your f*cking mind, Ricky.

Check it out, boys!

Holy f*ck!
What is all this sh*t?

It's an entire f*cking
casino in here, Bubbs!

They've got booze,
e-cigarettes, slot machines,

game tables, uniforms, everything, man!
And liquor!

f*cking right, there's
tons of liquor in there!

Oh, my God! You know
what I was thinking?

Now that we're re-zoned
as Private Property,

we could turn Sunnyvale into an
all-inclusive casino resort.

A resort?

Yeah. Moneyvale!

That's actually
not too f*cking bad.

f*cking rights, man.

A f*cking resort casino!
I've never been to a casino.

It's going to be
our retirement, boys!

Let's have a toast here.

Come on, Rick.

- Come on, buddy!
- Come on, Ricky.

To Freedom .

I guess we'll see.

We'll f*cking see
all right, boys!

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck off! f*ck!...

f*ck off! Jesus Christ!

f*ck.

f*ck off.