10x08 - The Super Bling Cowboy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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10x08 - The Super Bling Cowboy

Post by bunniefuu »

f*ck off! Get off me!

Get off me!

Are you okay,
little buddy,

are you having
a nightmare?

Yeah, I just keep
having this...

same dream over and over
about these dickweeds

that are
picking on me.

Oh. You used
to get bullied, huh?

Yeah.
Those cocksuckers!

Yeah, me too.

You know, it's
so easy for jerks

to make fun of the
fat, nerdy guy.

You were a nerd?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but you know what?
Bullies are pussies.

Plus I got
the ultimate revenge.

Now I live in a big house
in Beverly Hills

and those guys live...
somewhere else.

By the way,
thanks for letting me

cross this one off
my bucket list.

I slept like a baby
up here last night.

A baby?
I don't think...

babies do what you were doing.

I was laying there
in the dark last night

trying to get to sleep.

Next thing you know,
I hear creaky-weaky,

rubby-wubby, moany-moany.

I tried clearing
my throat a couple times,

but he didn't
even break stride.

I didn't know what to do.
I just laid there being quiet.

He was feeding the geese.

I gotta know, man. What
the f*ck is up with you

always putting
your hands up?

Oh, I'm just high-fiving,
but nobody ever hits it

'cause they don't
get it, you know?

Waazzaaaap!

That's amazing. He's really
going to wait for it.

Hey, Tom.
Hey.

Me and Lucy wanted
you to have that.

It's my favourite one. You
might have to wash it, okay?

Oh, definitely,
definitely.

Well, thank you very, very much.
You bet. You bet.

I appreciate it.
Hey, Bubbs.

Hey. How's it going,
boys?

B-Unit,
what it do, man?

You just in time
for breakfast.

Two scoops
of raisins, baby.

Two scoops
of raisins!

So are you all pumped up, man?
Today's the big day!

I am pumped, Ricky.
I'm not nearly as nervous

as I thought I'd be.
Oh, no?

I just got to get
my guitar together

and I'm f*cking
ready to go!

Oh, no, man, you don't
got to do that sh*t.

You're a rock star
now. Cory!

Get in there and pack up
Bubbles' guitar and sh*t.

Let's go! Move it!
Get the f*ck in there!

I've got my own
roadies now!

You big time now, baby.

You might be able to get you
some bling, man.

Some ice, some gold, silver...

Look at the flick
of the wrist.

I should get
some bling?

You m*therf*cking right.

I'm glad you're pumped, man. I
thought you'd be a lot more nervous.

You really didn't get
a chance to practice

as much as you
usually do, did you?

And won't there be, like,
a lot more people here

than you're used to
playing in front of?

I woke up this morning
all excited.

I had an excitement
boner like that.

Then Ricky started
f*cking... blabbing

and down she went!

Now I'm nervous!

I didn't even think of that
until you said it.

Thanks a lot.
Now I'm getting all...

look, I'm all jinkety-janged!
No, no, no.

You can't be getting
nervous on us, homie.

We're all
gonna be there.

We got your back.

You guys are really
going to come?

We wouldn't miss it for the
world, Bub-buddy. Yeah!

Decent!

Hey, is there going
to be any, like, uh...

food around here at any
point that we could eat?

You haven't eaten yet?

All they have to eat
around here is edibles.

It's like heaven at first,

but it's like you're at Willy
Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

After a couple days, you want
something other than candy.

It's a piece of sh*t!

Yeah, I'll draw up
that Letter of Intent.

All right, cool.

That heavy hitter
of a f*cking lawyer

did some digging
and precedents and sh*t.

Oh-ho-ho-ho, that ass-pincher
knows contract law

like the back
of his cock!

Okay, so what are you
f*cking saying?

Doesn't look good.

I thought you said
this guy was the best.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he is.

That's why he's so
damn expensive.

Well, I want to meet
this guy, man.

Enough of this
f*cking middle man sh*t.

Yeah, yeah, sure.
No problem.

I'll just, uh, I'll just
him on the phone here.

Of course, it's going
to cost you bucks

whether he picks up or not.

if he does.

The meeting's going
to be another .

You've got to be
f*cking kidding me!

No, no, no. I've got his
number around here somewhere.

f*ck it! Don't...

Just f*ck it.
Yeah...

I'm not paying
that kind of money.

I know, I know, I know. It's like
getting stabbed in the tea bag

with a butter Kn*fe,
isn't it?

Yeah, but who knows?

You know, he might still
come up with something.

Yeah, what if
he doesn't?

Well, let's just say
at that point

your options are...
well, they're limited.

But there's options?
Yeah.

You know, uh... a big sack
of dough might go a long way

in swaying
their decision.

You mean bribe
the judge?

Yeah, you know, you might
want to start stuffing nuts

into your cheeks,
big boy.

Do you smell that?

That aroma, it's amazing.

Mexican food somewhere.

That's the answer.

Hola.

Hola! ¿Como estas?

Muy bien.

You are f*cking
caliente.

You're the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.

And I live in Hollywood.

Hollywood?
Mm-hmm.

Caliente.

We're learning
each other's language!

Why are you wasting
it all like that?

Weird.

Look at that!

. !

I should be in
a coma now, bud!

The liquor
will figure it out.

The liquor's
going to figure out

how to get us back
into the park

and then we can play
with our little friends.

The liquor will do
the driving

and then we'll just kick
back on booze control.

Then...

we bring out
the heavy a*tillery.

Oh, sweetie!

Look at you!

Wow. You look f*cking
beautiful, Trin.

It's perfect.

Done.
I say we get it.

Box it up,
patch it up,

whatever the f*ck
you do with that stuff.

Let's go, please,
right now!

You mean this one?

You know
it's $ , ?

, f*cking dollars?

We just looked at the
used one down the street.

It was bucks! It does
the same f*cking thing!

That one had a big old sex stain
on the front of it though, man.

- Well, that's okay.
- We might be able

to get it out with
bleach or something.

Have you saved up
any more money?

Like, only dollars
and cents.

That's everything
I have.

Don't you work like
nine f*cking jobs?

What's wrong with you?
Yeah, I do but...

like, there's bills
to pay, man.

I pay for the heat.
I pay for the cable.

I buy most of the
groceries for the house.

I don't if you
knew this but...

- It's okay.
- It's okay, Dad.

No, it's not
f*cking okay.

You know what,
$ ,

is a lot of money
for some people.

f*ck off with that sh*t.

I've got money.

Here's , bucks for now.

Put it on wayallay.

No daughter of mine's
getting married

in a dirty old
f*cking jizz dress.

Thanks, Dad!

Hey, boys, what's up?

Hey, muscles.

Having an owners meeting
without me or what?

Well, I...
We aren't owners yet,

so we got a few things we want to
cross off the old bucket list first.

What's that?
Uh...

we would like
to see Lahey

-out-of- drunk.
Definitely.

We want to meet that crazy
drunk m*therf*cker.

Yeah. Boys, Lahey's not
drinking any more.

Oh, yeah,
it'd be real hard

to get him back on
the liquor, right?

Yeah! Yeah.

Boys, I'm not getting him
back on the f*cking booze.

You have no idea
what he's like

to actually deal with.
Man, like it or not,

that m*therf*cker's a part
of Sunnyvale. Mm-hmm.

All right,
I... I'll see

if I can get him here to
at least meet you guys.

Okay.
What's the other thing?

Well, this one's a bit
of a bigger ask. Um...

Go on, tell him what you want!
Okay!

I want to bang Lucy.

What the f*ck are you
talking about, man?

You can't f*cking
bang Lucy.

Listen, I'll give
you $ , US.

You set it up.
Man!

Lucy's with Ricky.
Nah, nah, nah, nah.

They broke up, so it's
time for you to get in

where you fit in, Tom. Yeah.

Plus I want the full
Ricky experience.

$ , .

If anybody can
do it, buddy,

you can.
Come on.

Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!
Jesus Christ, boys.

I'm not feeling real good

about this whole "Tom wanting
to bang Lucy" thing.

It f*cking sucks!

And now I'm the f*cking
middle man with the whole thing

and I'm going to have
to take a cut.

I just hope Ricky
doesn't find out.

Sarah, is, uh, Lucy
or Ricky around?

No, they're still
out dress-shopping.

Oh, f*ck!

Why? What's wrong?

Everything's cool.

There's something really
f*cked up happening.

Just keep this between you and I.
Yeah.

Tom Arnold wants me to
offer Lucy five grand

to bang him.
What the f*ck?

I know! What the f*ck
is that?

I mean, obviously I can't
do that, for f*ck's sakes!

Ricky would lose
his g*dd*mn mind.

Ricky would be
pretty pissed.

Yeah. It's f*cked.

All right.

But you know what?

I just keep thinking
that's a lot of money

and that would really help things
out with the wedding and...

Are those guys
still broken up?

All right, okay. Forget about it.
I'll deal with it, okay?

Oh, f*ck! She's going
all blobby on me!

Ricky!

Ricky, can you help me
with some spraying?

Do that feathering thing
you learned in jail?

I can't right now,
Bubbs, sorry.

Julian, we need to talk
right the f*ck now, man.

I've got to have
two grand.

Rick,
I'm working on it.

No, you keep saying you're
f*cking working on it.

You haven't given
me a g*dd*mn cent!

Look, I've got to buy
some sh*t.

Trinity needs a dress.
I need two grands.

Rick, I need
to borrow your car.

We'll talk
about this later.

Same old f*cking
bullshit!

Cocksucker!

Dropped her.
Sorry, Bubbs.

Here... let me
fix that for you.

I guess you really
f*cked this up, didn't you?

Who are you supposed to be with
this on your head, anyway?

Super Bling Cowboy.

What does that mean?

Super Bling Cowboy.

I'm like a cowboy,
but I'm...

gangsta rapper.

You know...

hybrid.

All right.

Four grand!

Who the f*ck does
he think he is?

I know,
can you imagine?

Honestly, Luce, if he
asked me, I might do it.

Really?

Yeah.
He's really famous.

And he's rich.

He's kind of funny.

And it would make
a great story.

You're being serious.
Yeah.

Like, you could fix a lot
of sh*t with four grand.

I couldn't do it.
Ricky'd freak out.

Lucy, Ricky doesn't
ever have to know.

Four grand could
change your life.

- Julian!
- Hey, Jimmy.

Hey!
Holy f*ck, man,

I thought
you were sober.

Horse tranqs, bud!

It's beautiful!
Jesus Christ.

What are you doing
back with him, man?

Me and old Jimmy boy
are a team again.

How do you like
them apples?

To what do we owe this
sexual-less pleasure, Ju-ly-an?

There are some celebrities
back at the park. Yeah.

They want to meet you. Really?

I know you don't
owe me anything,

but I'm asking you this one favour.
What?

Come back to the park
with me.

That'll take
minutes.

Celebrities?

Come back to the park?
Yeah,

then I'll bring
you right back.

minutes,
that's all I'm asking.

You want me to go
back to the park?

Yeah.

The liquor
figured it out!

The liquor figured it out!

The liquor figured it out!

Figured what?
The liquor figured it out!

Thanks, Cory.

Just like
a real roadie.

Thanks for the drive, Ricky.
No problem.

Promise me you guys
will be here.

Well, I can't promise, but I'm
pretty sure we will be, buddy.

Why, what do you mean
you can't promise?

I can't see in the f*cking future.
Nobody can.

Well, can you
promise me

that you'll try to be
on time, please?

I can't. I mean,
what if I leave here

and crash in a telephone
pole and get dead?

Then my promise
would actually be a lie.

I don't want to be
known as a liar.

Jesus Christ, Ricky,

are you going to
f*cking be here or not?

I hope so.
I don't know for sure,

but that's the plan.
I plan to be here.

Shyeah! Hooray!

Wha...!

Sunnyvale, I'm back!

Oh, hell, yeah!

Oh, my God, the world's
greatest drunk!

Somebody get these
m*therf*ckers a drink.

Oh, yeah! No, he doesn't
need any more booze.

He's f*cked, boys.
No, I'm not, Julian,

No, no, no...
I'm only -out-of- .

Right!
He's not that f*cked.

We said -out-of- f*cked. !

Me and Snoop said that.
Tom, Tom,

he's -out-of- ,
trust me.

No, no, no, no, no, no!
You know what you need?

Old-fashioned chug off.
Am I right?

Chug off! Chug off!
No f*cking way!

Chug off! Chug off!

Chug off! Chug off! Chug off!

Now I'm all
f*cking worked up.

What are you
worked up about?

Well, I just
want you to say,

"I promise you
I'll be here,"

and you're not
saying it

and I'm getting... feels
like something's fishy.

Listen, I can't
f*cking promise.

Real life-y sh*t moves
around the world.

I can promise feels,
I can promise I love you,

but I can't f*cking promise
I'm gonna be here for sure.

I plan to be f*cking here,
but I don't really know!

Oh-h, then I guess I can't f*cking
promise that I can do this.

Kick some ass, buddy.
You'll be great.

I can't promise, Ricky.

No, you can...
Obviously.

Nice one, Cory...

You've got everything
f*cking mixed up.

You're making me mix up
my thoks and words.

Well, you've got me
all f*cking worked up!

Thanks, Ricky!
Love you, buddy.

Cory, if you f*cking bump into
me again, you're getting one.

Damn.

Let's go, y'all.
Round , m*therf*ckers!

Here we go!
Yeah!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!

Shhhhh!
Shhhhh!

Thank you.

Luce, you here?

What the f*ck is going on
over at Julian's?

What are you guys doing?
Drinking?

Yeah, you know what?
Sorry.

I think I should
leave you guys alone.

Don't want to be
here for this.

What the hell's
going on?

Okay, Rick, we need
to have a talk.

Uh, but first I want
you to drink this.

Oh, thanks, Luce.

I f*cking love these things.
Jelly sh**t!

Pffft!
f*ck!

Ain't that a mafk!

rounds!
Oh my Christ,

Guinness Book
of Selection...

That's gotta be
a record, dawg.

You guys wanted
-out-of- drunk?

There's -out-of-
f*cked!

Greatest day ever, buddy!
f*cking right!

All right, guys, we've
got to see Bubbs play.

Come on, let's go!
Let's do it!

Hey, Hollywood
slut-f*ck!

Four grand
to bang my woman?

How about four grand to b*at your
f*cking face into your cock?

What the f*ck,
man, Ricky!

♪ Can you temper fire ♪

♪ With the fla-a-a-me
of the poor man's... ♪

♪ Cross an ocean
and off to w*r ♪

♪ Fight for an old man's
chosen flag ♪

I offered Julian
grand!

What? What the f*ck,
Julian?

grand? You told me
grand, Julian!

Damn, Julian, you
a m*therf*cking pimp, huh?

Five grand? You told
me "four", Sarah!

Yeah, well, I didn't think you'd
actually consider it, Lucy.


You actually
considered it?

You didn't
tell me that, Lucy.

And Julian, what the f*ck, man?
You knew about this?

You can go f*ck
yourself sideways!

Yeah, and you can go
f*ck yourself, Sarah!

Would you settle
the f*ck down!

f*ck, man, it's not
what you think.

Uh, it's actually exactly what
you think, Ricky. Exactly.

Bullshit! Mm-hmm!
For f*ck's sakes!

You know what? All of
you guys are f*cked

except, actually, me...

Actually, I haven't
yet.

Oh, you Hollywood
m*therf*cker!

- Wait! Wait! Wait...
- Gonna f*cking k*ll you!

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Break this sh*t up, man.

Look, Bubbs is about to get on stage
and you're all bullshitting, man.

Man, what the f*ck is going on?
Yeah, f*ck, we're late.

I'll go, but I'm only
going for f*cking Bubbles.

We're no longer
f*cking friends!

Yeah, you want to hit me?
Yeah, maybe I do!

I'm not a-scared of
either one of you dicks!

f*ck yourselves! Oh, f*ck this.
Let's go see Bubbs.

Okay! Great stuff, there!

Let's hear it, everybody,
for Nightingale Cummings!

Nice stuff,
great stuff, there.

Next we have, uh, Bubbles.

Come on up here,
Bubbles!

There he is.
Come on up here!

There you go. Good luck.

Give me my guitar here.

Okay, good luck, dude.

Cory, people say
"break a leg" in the biz.

Yeah, I know, but I didn't
want you to get hurt, dude.

Just give me
my f*cking guitar.

Oh, here you go.
Oh, my f*ck!

Cory, what the f*ck
did you do?

What is that? That's...
your guitar.

It's not. It's a
f*cking ukulele, Cory!

It's a completely
different instrument.

Oh, my God.
Hey, everybody!

How are you doing
this afternoon?

All right, say hi to
my new roadie here, Cory.

He doesn't know the difference between
a guitar and a ukulele, apparently.

That's all right, though.

I'll see if I can
play this thing.

I'm pretty good on 'er.

All right, so I'm going
to start off here

with a little track
by Willie Nelson.

Here we go. Oh, oh, oh!
Excuse me, uh...

Okay, apparently, uh,
it's only original music

allowed in the contest.

I was unaware of that.

So I'm going to see
what I can...

Oh, excuse me,
also, well, we have...

There's, uh, a special
on hot chicken

and hot turkey
sandwiches

all afternoon! Whoo!

All right then.

Chicken sandwich just got
a bigger cheer than I did.

Okay. Just hang on here.

Where's the cord?
How do you make this thing...

That's a nice
country b*at there.

Okay, let's get clapping.

Here we go!

♪ Who likes chicken?
Well, I do ♪

♪ Who likes turkey?
Well, that's me too ♪

♪ Everybody likes their
gravy on their fries ♪

♪ Now he's playing pool ♪

♪ And I look like a fool ♪

♪ But I don't... ♪

Holy f*ck!
That's a terrible song!

Just wait, now, just
give me one second here.

♪ Oooh... ♪

♪ Everybody... ♪

Holy f*ck!

Bubbs, come on, dude.
You got this!

Cory, you're making me more nervous...
I believe in you, man!

I've been very nervous about
the day here today, folks,

and I'm just...

Just bear with me, please.
I'm just getting nervous.

Hey, Bubbs, what the f*ck
are you doing man?

You're not f*cking
this up, are you?

Hey, man, sorry we late,

we about to turn this
m*therf*cking party up.

f*ck this!

Snoop Dogg,
everybody! Let's...

Snoop Dogg in the house!

Never fear,
the family is here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

we'd like to welcome
you to the Legion

where you're about to witness
the th Wonder of the World.

And you're about
to see something

you never thought
you'd witness before.

Straight up
out the trailer park.

Sunnyvale, to be exact.

Somebody make some noise
for my boy, Bubb.

Yeah, see, we just came
to blow your mind

and give you
something smooth

to help you get
you feeling

like you're
supposed to feel.

So, without further ado,

J-Roc, MC Flurry,

y'all come on up here
and get some of this sh*t.

Yeah, come
and get some...

Yeah.
Sunnyvale's finest.

Hey, yo, Rick,
Tom, Julian,

Doug, y'all come on up here
and get some of this sh*t.

This a family
affair, y'all.

This is how
we do it, man.

We'd like to welcome
y'all to the Legion.

You in the presence of family,
friends, and loved ones.

And this is what we do.

Uh, 'cos he's the B
to the U to the double B.

And he's the D to
the O to the double G.

And I'm the J to the R to the...
C!

I'm MC m*therf*cking Flurry!
Yeah!

He's the B to the U to
the double B Huhhh!

And the D to the O
to the double G.

And I'm the J to
the R to the O-O-O-C

I'm MC m*therf*cking
Flurry!

♪ All we wanna do ♪

♪ Is smoke and
f*ck some hos ♪

♪ 'Cause
all we wanna do ♪

♪ Is smoke and
f*ck some hos ♪

Sing it with
me, fellas!

♪ All we wanna do ♪

♪ Is smoke and f*ck some hos ♪

♪ 'Cause all we wanna do ♪

♪ Is smoke and f*ck some hos ♪

Sing it with me,
y'all.

♪ All we wanna do ♪

♪ Is smoke and f*ck some hos ♪

Sing it with me,
y'all.

♪ All we wanna do ♪

♪ Is smoke and f*ck some hos ♪

♪ All we wanna do ♪

♪ Is smoke and f*ck some hos ♪

Give it up for
Bubbles, y'all!

My favourite!

Your favourite!

He's got to
be the champ!

Don't doubt him,

crown him!

Bubbles, y'all!

Straight up out of
m*therf*cking Sunnyvale!

He's got a little hat!

Who would have guessed
that, you know,

the trophy I win
has got the same hat on.

You and Elvis. That's
the good luck charm

right there, that hat. I know.

Look at that thing. Platinum
hat for platinum artist.

That's the best thing
I've ever won.

Holy f*ck,
it is you.

They wouldn't let us in
'cause we're too young.

Will you sign this?

sh*t, not a problem,
my man.

These are
the dickweeds

that were
calling me names,

calling me nerd.

Is that true?

I just called
him a nerd.

And Ret*rded.

Snoop, you're
my idol though, dawg.

Come on, I can't believe I'm
talking to you right now.

You're not talking to me.
I'm talking to you.

Let me tell you
something.

All that bullying sh*t,
that sh*t ain't cool.

Talking about my cousin,
really not cool.

You see, 'cause one day, you're
going to wind up on a m*therf*cker

that's going to knock
your ass out.

It may even be today.
You feel me?

Uh, yeah... You know what?
You look like a girl.

And I bet your
butt-buddies like that,

but I'm going to shave your head,
then I'm going to come to your house,

shave your mom's head, and her ass...
Tom, Tom, Tom!

You're bullying him, man. I am?

Yeah, kick back. Oh, sh**t, right.
I am sorry.

Look here, apologize
to my cousin.

Look, I'm sorry
that I called you...

- Get going!
- b*at it!

Snoop Dogg, dispensing
weed and justice!

Yeah!
The American way.

That was awesome, Snoop.
Yeah, it was, baby.

Thank you.
You know what?

That calls for a hug.
Okay, man, celebrate,

hug it out. Group
hug, group hug!

Come on, Ricky.
Group hug.

Ricky?
Bubbs, I'll hug you,

but I'm not hugging
this d*ck or that d*ck.

Okay...
Oh, Ricky.

Look, okay, just
shake my hand here.

All right, Bubbs,
man. Good job.

Get in here!

Group hug, man. This is what
we're going to do, right?

Now, we're gonna go
back to the park

and we're gonna
smoke some dope

and we're going
to f*ck some hos.

But let's get a break before we go.
Okay.

Ready, set, ho!

Ho!

Let's get it.
Yeah!

Thanks.

Ricky, I would never
do anything that...

I thought
would hurt you,

and I would never have
really gone through with it.

So...

It's not even really the
banging thing that bugs me.

It's just... I started
thinking, like...

what if you did it and it
was f*cking really good

and then maybe you for
to got in love with him.

Next thing I know, you're living
down in f*cking "Everly Hills"

in some big movie mansion and I'm
oft here all by my-f*cking-self.

Like... like I'd fall
in love with him.

No?
No, all right?

I'm not going to fall
in love with Tom Arnold

because I love you.

Right?

Yeah?
Yeah.

Well, I guess it's not
really that big of a deal.

It's no different than you
banging George Green.

Or Cyrus.

Or Randy.

Or Steinberg
or Grover...

or Stewart...

Tom, Dean...

Your dad. I forgot
about him, actually.

Yeah.
Phil Collins.

Steve...
But you know what?

They were all
f*cking different.

Like, you banged
all them for free.

Yeah, and we
were broken up.

But this would be
something I'd do

for our family,
right?

And I wouldn't
go through with it

unless you were
cool with it.

Well, I mean, I guess
I'd be cool with it

as long as you promised
it didn't get extra dirty

like we do
sometimes and...

maybe no oral.
But...

grand would change
this family forever.

Uh, say he's the B
to the U to the double B.

That's the D to the O
to the double G.

So party people
in the house.

If you with me...

Ooh-wee!

Trailer park bro.

♪ All we wanna do ♪

♪ Is smoke and f*ck some hos ♪

Sing it with me, fellas!

♪ All we wanna do ♪

♪ Is smoke and f*ck some hos ♪

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck off! f*ck!...

f*ck off! Jesus Christ!

f*ck.

f*ck off.
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