11x04 - Darth Lahey

[bunniefuu]

Bubs, you hear
from Ricky?

Not yet. I don't
know where he's at.

For f*ck's sakes, man.
We've got to get out there.

The f*cking
window's closing.

Well, I don't think
the lobsters

know how to pick
the locks on the
traps, Julian.

They're not going anywhere.
What's all this sh*t for?

Just some gear
we're going to need.
And look, I got...

peanut butter and
bacon sandwiches!
Nice, nice, that's good.

But all the rest of this
sh*t is not necessary, man.

I've already got
it on my boat.

Julian, never
underestimate the
power of the sea

'cause the sea
will take you down.

Jacques Cousteau, .
Bubs, I already
have this stuff.

It's going to get
in our f*cking way.

Oh, yeah? Well, tell
that to Gilligan, Julian.

Tell that to f*cking
Gilligan, going out
for three hours.

All right...
Look what happened to him.

Look... Look at me.

You've got to lose
that f*cking hat. Here.

I'm not losing the hat.
The hat's cool.

I look like one of
those souvenir guys
at Peggy's Cove.

Exactly.
You look like a d*ck.

Here's a real
fisherman's hat.
Put that on your head.

That's a real
fisherman's hat, is it?
Yes, it is.

Then how come nobody
on Deadliest Catch

wears one of those
f*cking things?

Because they're all phoney
TV reality stars, man.

They don't know what
the f*ck they're doing.

A boogie board?
Are you f*cking
kidding me?

We might use the boogie
board... There he is.

Julian:
What the f*ck, man?
Where were you?

I was down at the f*cking
rink dealing with hockey
camp registration bullshit

and parents asking about
Wayne f*cking Gretzky

and all the
other NHL dicks!
Ricky, out of respect

to the greatest
f*cking hockey player
to ever play the game,

maybe you can't call him
Wayne f*cking Gretzky.
Sorry, Bubs.

All right, boys, we've got
to go. Come on! Let's go,
let's go, let's go!

I'm f*cking pumped, man.
I needed a day like this

to clear my f*cking head.
I know.

Dad, we're ready to leave.
Huh?

Hey, Motel! Grampy'll
be back in a little
while, all right?

Grampy's going fishing.
High five!

Uhh, what do you mean?
Boom!

What do you mean?
You said you would
look after him today.

No, I didn't, did I?
Yeah, you did.

We asked you yesterday
and you said,

and I quote, "It would
be my pleasure-ment."

Seriously?
Un-huh.

Okay, well I started
drinking early yesterday,

and I smoked a lot of f*cking
dope. I don't remember that.

But, if I promised,
then... Sorry, boys.

I'm a f*cking
word of my man.

Let's go, little buddy...
(Pained sigh)

Will you please
f*cking heal? It's been
a week already!

Ricky, Ricky, sack
skin takes longer.
It's very tender.

So this might
be for the best,
actually, you know,

'cause if you're
down there hauling
heavy lobster traps,

that thing could
blow apart again.

You got spaghetti
and meatballs.

Spaghetti and meatballs?

All the noodle
stuff hanging out

with your unit,
your meat marbles.
Okay, little buddy,

even though it's your
fault that you sh*t
Grampy in the bag.

We're going to have
a great little day today
hanging out, aren't we?

Lots of helicopter
ri-i-ides...

(Strained)
Oh, my f*ck.

(Growl)
I'm serious.

If you don't
f*cking heal,

I'm cutting you off with
a bag-cutting chainsaw!!

f*ck!

(Theme music)

Julian said that him
and Bubbles could handle
the lobster fishing

and Jacob and Cory are
trending to the weed plants,

so spending a nice relaxing
day with my gram-son

is probably the
perfect thing to get
my ball sack all heal't.

Isn't it, little buddy?
We're going to have fun today.

Randy, what the
f*ck are you doing?

Give me that f*cking
camera, Randy,
or I'm smashing it.

It's just a phone, Ricky.
It's not a camera.
f*ck...

Frig off!
Don't f*cking
push me, Randy.

Oh, are your nuts still
a little sore there,
you little baby?

Only a moron blows his
balls off with fireworks.
Is that right?

Only a moron gets knocked
the f*ck out before
he's told to f*ck off!

Do you want to go?
All right, let's go!

Randy, f*ck off, Randy.
Come on.

I'll make you look
like a little idiot in
front of your grandson.

f*ck, you know what,
I don't care how
sore my nuts are.

I'm punching you in the
f*cking neck right now.
Oh, yeah?

Ah, you f*cking
dirty f*cking prick!

(Groaning)
f*ck!

Take that, Ricky.
(Grunt)

You f*cking wait
till these get healed.

You know where
to find me. p*ssy!
Oh, f*ck!

(Groan)
It's okay, Motel.

Grampy's nuts are mashed up
in his tummy but he's okay.

Oh, f*ck!

My f*cking balls!

Randy's a f*cking assh*le,
isn't he, little buddy?

(Groan)

(Grunting)
That's it, man.

(Straining)
This is going to be
a big one, buddy!

(Exhaling)
Holy f*ck!

Come on, you cocksucker!

Come on, put some
muscle into it.

I'm putting f*cking
muscle into it!
(Grunt)

We got one!
Got another one!

Bubs, it's tiny, man.

You can get bigger
ones than that.

Oh, pardon me!

Who in the f*ck
do you think

pulled that big bastard
in earlier, huh?

Okay, that was a nice one.

You know what? I might
actually take him home

and keep him in a little
t*nk next to my shed.

You're not going to have
a pet lobster, man.
Oh, I think I am.

And I think I'm going to
call him Little Julian.

(Chuckling)
Funny.

(In Conky voice)
♪ I had ♪

♪ The time of my life ♪

Bubs, put him in
the f*cking ice.

Give us a hug.
Put him in the f*cking ice!

Give us a little hug!
Bubs! Put him in
the f*cking ice!

(Cackle)

Oh, come on.
It's just teasie-weasies.

Fishing for lobsters
is hard f*cking work,
believe me.

You've got the weight
of the trap itself,

then you've got ,
pounds of lobsters in there

coming from down
, feet.

It's a f*cking
workout, believe me.

Julian makes it
look easy, though,

'cause he's got those
great, big cartoon pipes
like the son of Thor.

He just yanks
them right up.

Who's ever seen somebody
haul a f*cking lobster
trap with one arm?

There's no lobster
in this one, man.

f*ck.

(Indistinct whisper)

How's your cookie?

Yummy.

Hey, Rick. How's my
favourite little guy?

Since when am I your
favourite little guy?

I was talking to Mo.

Hi, Mo. How's my
funny little guy?

He really does
like you, Lahey.
I'll give you that.

Yeah, well,
I like him a lot.

Who would have thought,
one of my gram-kids
liking you.

(Chuckle)
Yeah, who could
have imagined?

Um, how you
doing anyway?

Randy just told me
he b*at you up.
Are you okay?

He didn't f*cking
b*at me up!

He knee-suckered me
in the ball-sack.

I'm telling you, you
better tell him to chill out
on this cop-wannabe sh*t.

It's driving me
f*cking crazy.
Yeah, well...

Ricky, about that...
Whoo...

I heard a little rumour
about you and Julian.

Oh, yeah?
Well, if it's true,

and I hope it isn't,
my advice to you would be

to move whatever it is
you're doing out
of the park right away.

(Sniffing)
I've no idea what
you're talking about.

All I'm saying is, uh,

Randy is his own man
these days, as you know,

and I can't control
him at all.

So, if it is true,

you better deal with it
sooner than later.

f*ck's sakes.

I'm not saying I'm
doing anything, but,

If I was,
I wouldn't be able
to deal with it today.

I've got Mo,
I've got to deal with
hockey camp bullshit.

Well, jeez,

I could take care of Mo
for a couple hours.

But seriously,

you've got to
handle this today.

Oh, f*ck. Are you serious?

You don't mind watching him?

Not at all.
You okay with
Mr. Lahey?

Grampy's got to go deal
with a couple of things,
okay, little buddy?

I'll be back
in a minute.

(Groaning in pain)
f*ck!

Ugh...

Don't you pay any
attention to Grumpy.

He's just a big pooper.

(Ship horn blasting)
Oh, f*ck! Get down!

Man: What are you
doing with my traps?
What? Get down?

You dirty
cocksuckers!
Julian: Get down!

Bubbles:
Who's that? Hey, fellas!

(g*nshots)
Bubbles:
Jesus Murphy!

(Engine revving)
Julian:
f*ckers!

What the f*ck are
you doing, Julian?
f*ck you!

(g*nshots)
Bubbles:
(Yelp)

Who in the f*ck is that?
Who are you f*ring at?

Don't worry about it.

What do you mean,
don't worry about it?
Who is it?

It's the guys that
own the traps, man.

What? These aren't
your f*cking traps?

Bubs, no, none
of them are, man.

Do you know how much
a f*cking lobster
licence costs?

Oh, there's another
f*cking greasy job
down to the résumé!

"Bubbles, professional
lobster poacher!"

You would think
after all these years

you would have
learned from Jim Lahey

this grudge with
Ricky and Julian is
just not worth it.

It's a waste of time,
it's a waste of
taxpayer dollars.

Sorry about the grease.

As you can see,

the whole crime family
starts with Ricky and Julian

and grows down
and out like a tree.

Almost everyone
in the park is growing
weed for them.

A nice little high
school project you've
got going there, Randy.

If you don't mind,
I have a lot of work to do.

Yeah, yeah. Come on,
Randy. Let's not waste
Chief Green's time.

This isn't a lot
of evidence.

This isn't it.

You didn't mention to
the chief all the video
evidence that I have.

Hours of it, lots of
incriminating stuff,

all filmed in HD p.

Ugh... okay.

You know, maybe...

I forgot to
mention that.

You know, maybe,
George, with this
evidence, maybe...

you know, we should
look into it.

Guys, I honestly
don't give a f*ck.

Do whatever you want!

Thanks, Chief Green.
I won't let you down.

I'll record every
step of the way.

Oh, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck...

Julian, answer your
f*cking g*dd*mn phone, man!

Recording:
The customer you are trying
to reach is out of range.

Please try again later.

Why do you keep f*cking
telling me this?

I'm trying to get in range!
Help me the f*ck out here!

Hello, fuckbrains, answer me!

Oh, f*ck it!
NASA go f*ck yourself!

Oh, god damn it!

(Growling)

f*ck it! I have to f*cking
do everything myself, I guess.

(Engine struggling)

Come on! Come on,
don't f*ck with me today!

I've got to get
this sh*t done!

(Engine revving)

Yeah, it sure is
peaceful out here, Julian.

I mean, other than
the pissed off fishermen

calling us dirty
cocksuckers.

Yeah, I know
the schedule

of almost every
f*cking fisherman on
the eastern shore, bud.

I worked under the table
for a lot of them for cash.

Well, that's how you know
where all their traps are.

That's f*cking greasy.
Yeah, it's greasy,

but it's a great
f*cking supplement
to the income.

I usually don't
have a problem, man.

We just got out
too f*cking late.

(Engine slowing)

Know what, man?

Soon as I put this hat
on my head and I hopped
on board this boat,

I knew I'd found
my calling, bud.

My own boss, I make
all my own hours, man.

All this beautiful nature and
sh*t, man, I f*cking love it!

Oh, it's f*cking awesome.
Don't get me wrong, but...

I mean, you could come
out here and do all this

as much as you wanted to
anyway, even if you
lived at the park.

I'd come with you whenever
you wanted to, Julian.

I mean, you know...

I love fishing
for these dirty
cocksuckers, you know.

It's like you get
a tasty little reward
at the end of the day.

Yeah, thank f*ck I don't
like lobsters, man.

I'd be eating
all my profits.

What are we doing here?
Where are we? Is there...

more traps out here?

I just wanted
to show you this.

What?
This, man. All this.

What is it?
It's what I've been
working towards, man.

All this cove right here,
it's all for sale.

We could all move
out here, buddy.

Think about it.
No more bullshit,
no more f*cking jail.

Your pizza sauce plant
can go right over there.

See? That clearing.

And then Ricky and his
trailer can go there.

My f*cking trailer can
go right over there.

Your shed can go
right in between it.

It's our future, man.

Are you serious?
We could buy this
and live out here?

You're f*cking
right, we could.

Oh my God,
you know what?

This might be the
most beautiful thing
I've ever seen, Julian.

I f*cking love it, man.

Do you think we
could take a selfie

with that in the
background, you know?
Show it to Ricky.

f*ck, yeah.

We'll get the cove and
sh*t in the background

Okay, here.
Let me get it cued up.

Here, grab Little Julian.

We don't need
Little f*cking Julian.

Come on, Julian.
He's family now.

(Sigh)

f*ck it...

He's not going to be
f*cking happy about this.

No, he's clapping. Look.

He's pissed off.
Say cheese, Little Julian.

Decent.

That's nice.

Yeah, the lobster's
cool, man.

f*ck phones and f*ck NASA
and their shitty
f*cking receptions

and frequencies and whoever
the f*ck I was talking to!

I need soil, I need the
f*cking plants moved...

This is a g*dd*mn sh*t-show!

(Clicking)

Seriously, you're going to
f*ck with me too, are you?

Well, f*ck you!

Oh, jeez... Thank f*ck.

Listen, man, I need a huge
f*cking favour right now.

f*ck, no, man,
it has to be right now!

Like, how much weed's
it going to take
to make this happen?

Julian:
Well, I hope to f*ck
this works, man.

Bubbles: Well, I mean,
you're bringing him some
f*cking serious... lobsters.

Everybody loves those
scrum-diddly bastards.

Hello! Sonny!

Anybody here?

(g*n clicking)
What's going on out here?

Oh, relax, man.
It's me, Julian.

I got your lobsters.
Sonny:
Oh... oh!

I actually got double
what I owe you, man, but...

I need a favour.
Oh, what's that now?

The guy down at the
hydroponics store

said you bought
the last of that
Nuclear Bloom sh*t.

We really need to
borrow some, man.
Like, bad.

Well... yeah, yeah,
I got... I got some
I could give you,

if you're in a jam.

Oh, we're in a jam-eroo,
doodley-doo.

If you help me get
out of a jam, that is.

Yeah, what's...
what is it?

Come on.

Meet Big Ronnie.

Those two mongoloids
you sent me

didn't fill the
barrel to the rim

and I've got to ship the
goods out in the morning.

Huh? Now, he's got a big
pipe hanging off him,

so you're going to
have to use two hands.

Yeah, you've just
got to get a good
solid grip on her

and he'll sh**t
three or four times
if you keep going.

But he is one
horny bastard.

(Whispering)
Sweet merciful
Jesus, Julian.

It's like a giant,
skin-covered tree-trunk.

Isn't there a f*cking
machine that can
do this, man?

Oh, no, no.
These Japanese buyers

are very particular
about their semen.

We don't use machines,
we don't use lube.

They want it all
organic. So, uh...

(Spitting)
Spit.

Spit's the only
thing you can use.

(Whispering)
Oh, my f*ck.

I'll hold the bucket.
No f*cking way!

I think you should
just do what he said.
You need to get a good grip.

Who's going to get
a better grip than you
with those big things.

No, no, no. We're
at least doing rock,
paper, scissors.

It's the fair
thing to do, man.

That's what
friends would do.

Put it up...
Put it up!

(Sigh)

Both:
One, two...

(Pleasant music
playing on radio)

It's a nice day
out today, huh?

Yeah, gorgeous... day.

It's supposed to be
just as nice tomorrow.

Oh? I didn't hear that.

Do you want a drink?

No. We probably should
wash our hands, Julian,

before we start putting
anything to our mouths.

(Music on radio)

Ah, f*ck.

All right, kids.
I want you to fill
the trunk with dirt.

And we need a sh*t-ton,
so no f*cking around.

What the hell does this
have to do with hockey?

Yeah, we paid a lot
of money for this.

Did the Karate Kid ask
Mr. Jumanji why he had
to wax the fence? No.

So do this and you'll be
catching flies with your
hockey sticks in no time

just like that little
Mexican prick.

You are really not
that bright, are you?

Can I help you?
Can I help you?

f*ck are you guys doing?
Are you f*cking Ret*rded?

(Quietly)
Get over here!

I'm not,
but they all are.

And the politician correct
term is mental challenged
there, f*ck brains!

Look, I'm trying to
start a dumb garden

and the guy from
the church said he'd
donate the dirt.

They're trying to get
to the Special Olympics.

Who said that? My dad?

I don't know who it was.
One of their parents
was talking to somebody

and that's what
he said, so...

Anyway, look, this
guy's not very good
at shovelling.

Can you give
him a hand here?

It's not your
fault, bud.

You just keep
f*cking up.

You'll get it.

Bubs, what happened
was f*cked

but you've got to
suck it up, soldier!

We've got the nutrients,
we're back on track

and we're going
to be rich in
f*cking days, man!

Oh, yeah? Or we're going to
jail in f*cking seconds!

(Sigh)
f*ck's sakes...

(Truck door opening)

Julian:
What the f*ck is going on?

separate grow-ops,
that's what the frig's
going on, tough guy!

Hands on the car.
Come on, come on.
You know the drill.

Bubs, hands on the car.
Julian, they're putting
Mo in here with us!

What? Are you arresting
babies now, Randy?

I'm arresting everyone
involved, Julian.

Where's the search
warrant, Ted?
This is bullshit.

George:
Warrants, you mean.

of them. Right here.

George! You're arresting
innocent people here,
for f*ck's sake!

Yeah, me included.
I didn't do a
f*cking thing!

I'm not arresting
anybody. Yet.

Until we go through the
long process of sorting
through all this evidence,

I have the right to
detain and question

every f*cking one of you.

Including you
two scumbags.

Pu the drink
down, Julian.

Oh, Julian, just put
the f*cking drink down.
We're in enough trouble!

Don't try to be
Clint Eastwood here!

If you want to question me,
you question me right
here, right now,

because, unless you
put me under arrest,

I'm not going anywhere.

That's how you want
to play it, is it?

What are we going
to do, Ted?

(Laughter)
(Ice clinking)

Well!

That's assaulting
a police officer with
open liquor, bud.

Gotta be f*cking
kidding me.

Take them away, boys!
What?

Give us the drink.
No, no, no, no.
I'm innocent.

Give me the glass...
How about I call
my f*cking lawyer?

Julian, just give him
the f*cking glass!
Don't make it any harder.

f*ck it!
Hands behind your back.

f*ck off, Ted.

I know how to get into
a g*dd*mn police car.

You, hands behind your back.

I can do it, Ted.
I can do it.

I've done it many
f*cking times!
All right, guys.

Start with
this sh*t-hole.

With pleasure, sir.

What the hell's going
on here, George?

Heh. Ask your
partner here.

Maybe he can teach
you a few things

about gathering something
you just never seem
to be able to get, Jim.

Evidence.

I was a better
officer than you'll
ever be, George!

How the dumbest...
"Officer"?

See these stripes
on my arm, Jim?

I am the Chief.

These stripes mean
I can do whatever
the hell I want.

(Chuckle)
I earned them.

So, if you don't want
to get taken in,

I suggest you walk
the f*ck away.

Pretty nice police
work there, Randy.

I really thought
for a while

you were probably
wasting our time but...

nice job.

Thanks.

Man:
Hey, Chief!

Lots of grow equipment.

No plants, though.

(Sigh)

Nice job, Randy.

This is just
one trailer.

There's more
with lots of plants.

I've got
video evidence.

Boy: (Whispering)
Stupid f*cking hockey school.

Excuse me.
Yeah?

Can you tell me
why my children are
so covered in dirt

and exhausted
from shovelling and
running all day?

This is supposed to
be a hockey school.

It is. Today was the ground
strength training day.

Ground strength training day?
They're supposed to be
playing hockey.

No, they're supposed to be
learning how to play hockey.
It's a hockey camp, dummy.

If you don't like the way
I'm running things around
here, take your kid,

f*ck off and don't come back.
I don't give a f*ck.

Why don't you eat my d*ck?

Why don't you finger me?

Well... maybe I will.

All right, great.
Good.

Thanks for coming out.

(Engine ignition)

(Electronic music
blasting on car stereo)

Right on, boys.
Holy f*ck!

What's up, man?
You're gonna owe us
big for this one, G.

No f*cking kidding.
I hope Lahey wasn't
f*cking with me.

No, man. Five-O was
just rollin' in as
we was leavin'.

A whole bunch of them, too.
Are you f*cking serious?

Dead serious.

f*cking Randy,
the cop wannabe idiot!

It feels good to f*ck
him over though, boys.
That's what I'm saying.

Right on. Grab the
rest of the plants
and meet me inside.

I must say that I'm
pretty proud of myself.

Chief Green said that
he wanted to talk to me.

I hope it's about
my acceptance into
the police academy.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

(Knocking on door)
Chief?

George:
Get the f*ck in here, Randy.

Sit your ass down.

So...

Ted's telling me
you're looking to get
into the academy.

Yes, sir. I was hoping
that after the bust today,

you'd give me a
recommendation.

Do you know what I was
hoping for, Randy?

I was hoping
you weren't as dumb
as your boyfriend.

But I should have
known better.

I should have realized

that when a person
learns everything they
know about detective work

from a drunk trailer
park supervisor

who's quite possibly
the shittiest cop to ever
put on a police uniform,

that that person is
going to f*ck things up.

Sir?

We've got nothing!

What about all
the grow equipment,

all the video evidence
I documented?

Do you have any idea

the amount of bullshit
I have to deal with
now because of you?

Don't you ever
set foot in this
building again

or for as long as
I'm the police chief
of this station!

(Yelling)
Do I make myself clear?

(Whimpering)
Yes, sir.
Good!

Now get the f*ck
out of my office!

I can't believe how much
time we wasted on you.

Get out!
(Glass shattering)

Damn idiot! f*ck!

Ricky:
(Incredulous laughter)

f*cking Jesus!

The cocksuckers didn't
have to smash all
the f*cking equipment!

What happened?

There's nothing
illegal, eh?

I had to hide in
my g*dd*mn closet!

What the f*ck are
you talking about?

George Green and
his f*cking g*ons.

They came flying
in here and arrested
everybody in sight!

And it's all
because of you,

you braindead
cocksucker!

m*therf*cker!

Don't be throwing sh*t
on my f*cking car!

(Clattering)

f*ck!

(Tires skidding on gravel)

f*ck... Hey!

What the f*ck did you do?

There was no plants.
We got rid of them.

I know! I know!

They didn't care!

They even took Mo!

I thought you were
f*cking cool warning me,

but no! You f*cked me!

(Grunting)
Ricky...

you can't honestly
believe that I had
anything to do with it!

They even took Mo away!

You know how I feel
about that little guy!

You put my family in jail,
you son of a bitch!

My f*cking gram-son!

Things are different
now, Ricky!

I'm sorry about
hurting your family!

I promise I'll never
f*cking do it again, bud!

Listen! Ricky!

Listen, Rick.

I'm sorry about
what I did to you,

and to Ray, and to
your f*cking mother!

My mother?

Why the f*ck are you
talking about my mom?

Rick!

It's useless
to resist, Rick.

Don't let yourself be
destroyed like Ray did.

What the f*ck are
you talking about?

(Fighting grunts)

(Loud clack)
f*ck!

I think you just
broke my hand,
you f*cking idiot!

What's happened
to you, Ricky?

Don't make me
destroy you.

Destroy me?

Rick...

save yourself.

Join me.

Help me to run Sunnyvale.

You have no idea
the power we'd have.

With our combined strengths

we could end
the bullshit

and we could bring
order to Sunnyvale!

What the f*ck are
you talking about?

I will never join you!

Ray never told you

what happened to
your mother, did he?

Yes, he did.
He told me enough.

He told me the reason
she left Sunnyvale

is because you were being
such a f*cking assh*le!

That's a lie!

Ricky...

I am your father.

No... No!

That's not true.
That's impossible!

Search your feelings.

You know it's the truth.

No-o-o-o!

No!

(Thud)

(Theme music)

(Seabirds squawking)

Fish:
f*ck! f*ck! f*ck off! f*ck!...

f*ck off! Jesus Christ!

(Whisper)
f*ck.

(Light clicks off)
f*ck off.