05x10 - Christmas att*ck Zone

[bunniefuu]

Merry Christmas Eve Eve, Jack.

Likewise, Lemon. Is there any chance you'll still be around tomorrow? Sure.

You want to go to the Penn station Kmart with me and then watch tootsie?

I'm sorry. That's what you're doing instead of spending Christmas Eve with your family?

It's my new thing... Travel on Christmas day.

That way, I avoid the annual Lemon family blowup.

And this year it's gonna be a doozy.

My aunt Linda is bringing her new boyfriend, who is neither her age Nor her race.

And her ex-husband will also be there with his date, alcoholism.

I swoop in the next day for presents and pie.

Well, if you're around, come by for dinner.

Colleen will be up from Florida, and, um, she'd love to see you.

Because my youthful energy makes her feel young?

No, because she views you as a peer she can complain with about how no one wears pantyhose any longer.

Ah, how are we supposed to conceal our spider veins?

Bare-legged at Christmas.

Okay, guys, this Kabletown promo is the last thing we have to do before the holiday break.

Liz Lemon, I cannot participate in this promo.

Why?

Because it's not honest.

As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold the mirror to humanity, and sell Proactiv.

I will not spout your lies, Liz Lemon.

And I will not say merry Christmas from Kabletown.

Ever since Tracy got nominated for a golden globe, he thinks he's Sean Penn.

Well, they have both had screaming fights with wyclef Jean.

We'll just do this without him. Merry Christmas, Jenna.

You can say both lines.

[Crying] Merry Christmas from Kabletown and all of us at TGS.

I think we got it.

[Sobbing]

Wait, are... are you okay?

"Tom Ford and Elton John invite you to new q*eer's Eve."

What is this?

NQE is the new year's party.

Everyone dresses up as a cultural figure from the past year.

Also replicas of the da vid urinate vodka.

Oh, god.

Paul and I were gonna come up with an amazing couple's costume.

But now that he's gone, what's the point?

This party means so much to me.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without it.

The party or Paul?

The party, Liz.

Good news.

We don't have to do these promos after all.

NBC says they want them from every show but us.

Good year, everyone.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

[Sighs]

What Christmas card did we end up sending out?

Oh...

"Happy holidays is what t*rrorists say."

Merry Christmas, Avery and Jack.

[Knock at door]

Oh, it's just Liz.

Why do people always say that?

Avery is keeping her pregnancy a secret at work, so she's been carrying around large objects whenever she's in the building.

I was wondering what was up with your show last night.

The market rallying today despite a pullback in gold stocks.

Anyway, I was gonna bring dessert tomorrow.

So are there any foods that are making you nauseous lately?

Please don't say a half sleeve of oreos.

Oh, I'm not gonna be there.

I'm leaving tonight to spend Christmas with my family.

Really?

That's why I like dating older men.

Their parents are usually dead or senile, so there's never an argument about the holidays.

Why aren't you and Colleen going with her?

Oh, you know, uh, Colleen is frail, and Avery is in her third trimester.

[Gasps] You haven't told Colleen about the baby yet. What?

I have been watching the mentalist a lot lately, because my TV's on CBS, and I lost my remote.

I think I've become a body-language expert.

For instance, I can now tell that Jack wants to k*ll the person to his right.

Why haven't you told her?

I just haven't found the right time.

[Shrilly] That is no excuse! [Shrilly] This is so bad!

I cannot have the two of you on the same side of an argument.

We donaghys believe that, when there's something at all delicate to talk about, it is best to suppress it until it erupts into a fistfight at a church barbecue.

I understand all that, Jack.

The symbol on the Jessup family crest is a Knight refusing to talk about his feelings, but this baby is not bad news.

You don't know Colleen. We're not married, Avery.

Why should that matter? I mean, she did the same thing.

I mean, what did Colleen say when you told her you knew about your real dad?

[Gasps] You never told her about Milton either.

I am "The Mentaliz."

You have so many secrets! That was over a year ago!

How do you not get hives? How could you not tell her?

For the love of god.

Sir, this came for you.

Thanks, k-I-m-n-o-p.

I've been waiting for this.

Oh, I didn't know you made another chunks movie, Mr. Jordan.

That first one was a classic.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of althea chunk.

[Farts] Damn, that's funky.

Obesity is k*lling the African-American community...

With laughter.

Yeah, well, this sequel is never coming out.

I bought the rights, so this movie won't be released.

Why wouldn't you want people to see your movie?

It looks so funny.

That's the problem, Ken.

It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool.

If this movie comes out before the golden globes, it'll ruin my new image.

Mr. Jordan, I thought you loved acting like a fool.

No, I don't.

I'm lying.

My favorite thing in the world is making people laugh.

But I can't now.

I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth, Charlie Rose!

Oh, that's horrible. I have no choice!

I got to stay serious.

From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the holocaust, Georgia o'keeffe, or both.

I didn't care much for the gazpacho soup.

I mean, where's the fun of sending it back because it isn't hot?

Mother.

Yes.

Avery and I are having a baby.

I see.

May I remind you this is good news.

This is a disgrace!

What are my chums at the death shore retirement community gonna say...

When I tell them that my unmarried son has knocked up a protestant?

Oh, I knew you would do this...

Take a happy moment and ruin it, just like you did when I won that scholarship at my high-school graduation.

It should have gone to the other boy!

This is the reason I waited seven months to tell you.

You kept this from your own mother?

Oh, oh, Colleen, don't talk to me about secrets.

I know some things you've done that you would not want me to bring up right now.

Most people thought I was a hero for k*lling Lydia's parrot.

I'm going upstairs now and think about more comments for tomorrow.

This isn't over!

[Line ringing]

Jack.

Guess what. They just got caller I.D. in Vermont.

Milton, I hope you don't have plans for tomorrow.

I'm having a little Christmas dinner, and I want you to be my guest of honor.

Well, it is a little sudden, but, yes, I'd love to come to your holiday dinner.

Christmas. It's Christmas dinner.

[Holiday music]

Hey, Rick, can you cover section three for me?

I'm in the weeds. Oh, Liz.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a tr*nsv*stite.

Paul, I need to talk to you about Jenna.

Oh. How is she?

Honestly, I don't think I've seen her this upset since hurricane Katrina.

The coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in.

Oh. And she keeps trying to pretend it's just about some new year's party, but I think she misses you.

Look, I-I miss her too, but it's over between us now.

I-I don't even think about Jenna anymore.

I don't think about kissing her or laughing with her or photographing her with just salamanders covering her nipples.

When it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

You can't be on the floor without your roller skates, Rick.

I'm not Rick.

Merry Christmas, Jack.

Sorry. I finished the oreos in the cab.

I'm glad you could make it, Lemon.

Welcome to my Christmas att*ck zone.

Your what? What does that mean?

Professor Milton Greene is on his way here from Penn station.

Milton, your father, is coming here?

Please tell me that Colleen... has no idea.

The father that she hid from me for 50 years, the man that she doesn't even know I know exists, is joining us for supper.

Uh, red or white?

White. Jack, what are you doing?

You promised me a drama-free dinner.

I could be sitting at the corner table at the Kmart cafe right now.

[Doorbell buzzes] Oh, that must be dad.

Wait, does Milton know that Colleen is here?

No. I want it all to be fresh.

Will he erupt with anger over her years of secrecy?

Who knows? Milton's a hippie pacifist.

But I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk into whipping a battery at her.

My boy.

Oh, Jack, this is going to be the best winter's Eve light festival ever.

Liz!

And a happy whatever you believe in too.

No. I am not letting this happen.

Milton, Jack has an ulterior motive for bringing you here.

Yes. It's true.

You're going to be a grandfather.

Oh, what a blessing! Oh, life is beautiful.

"Joy, beautiful spark of the gods, daughter of elysium."

And, Liz, you're already showing.

No, it's not me, and that is not what he has to tell you.

Colleen is here, and Jack is using you to ambush her.

Why would you do that? I'll tell you why...

Because when my mother found out about your granddaughter...

It's a girl! She'll be intuitive.

Colleen did not see it as a blessing.

She saw it as an embarrassment, because my girlfriend Avery and I are not married.

An embarrassment? She has no right to judge you.

She needs to read my new book, there's no wrong way to make a family that's for you.

I agree with you, Milton, but Colleen disapproves.

Well, that's awfully hypocritical for a woman who kept her son a secret from his own father.

I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind tonight.

Oh, great, Avery's here, and she looks mad.

Jack, I got your message.

How dare Colleen disapprove of me, of us? Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for my message to make you angry and have you come all the way back here.

Now there are three people here that are mad at Colleen.

Wait, this is Avery?

How could that woman not adore such a beautiful daughter-in-law?

Oh. By the way, we have a tradition in my family where we let the child name itself.

Oh, yeah, that's hippie nonsense.

Absolutely not.

Well, suit yourself, but my son spider-man turned out just fine.

Okay, this is disgusting.

It is Christmas. You are not going to ambush an old woman for the mistakes that she has made.

I mean, who hasn't made mistakes?

I once French-kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.

Lemon, we all know what mistakes are.

I'm going to tell Colleen what's happening while you all calm down.

Where's her room?

[Whispering] Don't worry. I sent her to the east wing.

It's very confusing. It was designed by M.C. Escher.

These stairs are weird.

Mother.

Dinner is ready.

What are you doing here, sir?

I wasn't setting this up because I'm spending Christmas at work.

I certainly wasn't going to pretend those trash cans were my parents.

I'm here picking up a serious outfit from wardrobe for my event later.

All the big actors do charity work on Christmas Eve.

Russell Crowe is having an auction to benefit the victims of his own mood swings.

So what are you doing, sir?

Screening my very sad movie hard to watch at a women's shelter.

It's gonna be real depressing.

I hate seeing you like this, sir.

And you ruined Ludachristmas.

In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones.

Next slide.

What else can I do, Kenneth?

People only take you seriously if you're serious.

But comedy is just as important as drama.

People need to laugh, especially in these tough times.

And after all, isn't laughter the best medicine?

Except for Insulin, spironolactone, and bupropion, which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir.

Mother, you look lovely. I see you brought the bag that my bastard grandchild will come in.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy.

My gift to you is the feeling of superiority you'll have for the next two seconds. Is she drunk, Jack?

Because, you know, when you're pregnant, one bottle of wine a day, and that's it.

Mother, you must remember Milton Greene, my father and your shameful sex secret.

Why would you bring him here?

Oh, I see.

Trying to make me look like the bad guy, is that it?

You are the bad guy.

You kept me from my son for 50 years.

You didn't miss much.

He's a good boy. He got me a kidney...

From Elvis costello.

All that time lost because of you and your pride.

And think of what I've lost.

Going on father-and-son habitat for humanity builds and road trips in my V.W. Van.

Yeah, or other things.

And then you dare to judge us and our life decisions?

Who do you think you are?

God, this house is enormous.

Oh, hi, Colleen. I tried to stop this.

Well, mother, what do you have to say for yourself?

It's speechless.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas one and all.

[Gasps]

[Cell phone vibrating]

Jenna, this dinner is a disaster.

My life is ruined.

I just came up with the perfect couple's costume for new q*eer's Eve, and I can't use it because of stupid Paul.

You know what?

The reason I'm not with my family right now is because I didn't want any drama, and that's all I'm getting, first from these "jagwagons" and now you.

Paul is the reason you're upset.

It's not about this party. It's about the party.

I want to eat shrimp off an old gay dressed as baby new year.

Ugh. [Cell phone beeps]

Hi, Colleen.

Hmm. Are you all right?

Just thinking about my next move.

No, no. What next move?

This thing hasn't even started.

Welcome to my Christmas att*ck zone.

Ladies of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking.

You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives.

You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.

Comedy is just as important... 'Portant...'Portant...

Laughter is the best medicine... Medicine... Medicine...

Damn it. I can't get Kenneth out of my head.

Actually, he's behind you, tray.

He rode over here with us.

You talked to him the whole ride.

Well, he's right.

People do need to laugh, and I'm the medicine.

What are you doing?

Something I should have done a long time ago.

A long time ago? You just got here.

Shut up, Dotcom.

Ladies and children, I give you the chunks 2.Ff' a very chunky Christmas.

[Applause] Lights.

Damn Christmas lights blew a...

Aah! [Grunting]

[Laughter]

Well, this has turned out to be the opposite of what I wanted, and I'm gonna leave before anything else happens.

So... Oh, my god.

My arm is numb.

What are you doing now, mother?

I think the stress...

Don't go to her.

Do you have shortness of breath?

Are you sweating? Do you have a neck or jaw pain?

I had a couple of rich men die on top of me.

It's like something... Like my son sitting on my chest.

We should call an ambulance.

We are not calling anyone.

What's the matter with you? Your mother's not well.

Can't you see that she's faking, Milton?

There. Did anybody see that?

[Gasps]

We have to call an ambulance.

Listen to me, damn it. I'm a doctor.

Of history.

In what emergency would you be necessary...

If someone wanted to know whether the '60s were awesome or not?

They were. You hang in there.

You need to meet our daughter, little Colleen.

Seems like people are back on my side, Jackie.

Paul, my ex-lover.

Listen, i-I'm not here because I want to get back together.

Good. Me neither.

Can I get you a cup of coffee or an absinthe enema?

No, thank you. I can't stay.

I just wanted to let you know that I had an amazing idea for a couple's costume.

Well, so did I.

What's yours?

Well, maybe we should just say them at the same time and see what happens.

You dress as Natalie Portman I dress as Natalie Portman both: From the movie black swan, and you dress - and I dress both: As former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee Lynn Swann.

We're two black swans.

Well, it is a druid solstice miracle that it wasn't a heart att*ck.

Yes, I do believe a heart is required.

That is enough, Jack.

What happened tonight was so scary, and the reason that it happened is that we were not being honest with each other.

So from now on, no more secrets.

Okay. I'll go first.

I have a crush on the mentalist.

Just family only, Lemon, damn it.

There is one more secret Jack and I have been keeping from all of you.

We were planning to elope in the Caribbean over new year's, but now we want you all to come.

Oh! How wonderful.

You know what I learned tonight?

As hard as you try, no one can escape the horror of Christmas, so it might as well be with your own family.

I'm gonna go get a bus to white haven now, and I should be home just in time for aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober by holding someone's baby while cooking.

Listen, Jackie, everything I've ever done in life has been to protect you.

I know.

And if I got upset earlier, it's because I want your life to be perfect...

Unlike mine.

Don't let him off the hook, Colleen.

What he did tonight was wrong, and he owes you an apology.

He's right. I almost d*ed.

And using your father like that is so disrespectful.

He's a doctor, for god sakes.

Your mother and I are very disappointed in you, Jack.

What are you smiling at, you fruitcake?

Just my mom and dad yelling at me together.

Milton, the Clinton boom years were just an after-effect of reaganomics, and, mother, you cannot invite anyone to the wedding. What happened to the heart att*ck? Let me tell you something.

[Overlapping shouting]

You insult your own intelligence.

I'll invite anybody I want to this wedding, to this wedding or any other wedding.

♪ It is the night ♪

[Mouths words]

♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪ You are a w*r criminal. I hate to say it.

Both: ♪ long lay the world ♪

♪ in sin and darkness pining ♪

♪ till he appeared ♪

♪ and the soul felt his worth ♪

♪ a thrill of hope ♪

♪ the weary world rejoices ♪

♪ for yonder breaks ♪

♪ a new and glorious morn ♪

♪ fall ♪

♪ on your knees ♪

♪ oh, hear ♪

♪ the angel voices ♪

♪ oh, night ♪

♪ divine ♪

♪ oh, night ♪

♪ when Christ was born ♪

♪ oh, night ♪

♪ divine ♪

♪ oh, night ♪

♪ when Christ was born ♪

♪ oh, holy night ♪

♪ the stars ♪

♪ are brightly shining ♪

♪ it is the night ♪

♪ of the dear savior's birth ♪ And I hope everybody, everybody have a merry Christmas.

And somebody needs to clean this table up.

It's disgusting.

Fred, wake up!

Merry Christmas from the chunks.