05x20 & 05x21 - 100: Part 1 & 2

[bunniefuu]

This better be important, Jack.

I was in the middle of bidding
on a bag of bras on eBay.

Lemon, Hank Hooper
is on his way up from Philadelphia,

and he wants to meet with both of us.

Why does he want to meet me?
Do you think it's a good thing?

It's not, Hon.

I saw that in a movie once,
but in the movie, the guy was dead.

Nice tie, Jack.

How long have you been there?

I was sitting in that chair
a minute ago.

Nope. That was me.
What can I say.

I smell like leather.

And you must be Elizabeth Lemon.

Well, I'll be Bake McBrided.
I know a Philly gal when I hug one.

Now, Elizabeth,

I like to look someone
in the eye and smile

when I say
that what you're doing is bad.

It's just horrible.

Without Tracy, your show
is like my cholesterol.

The numbers are k*lling me.

So I'm going to cancel 'TGS'.

Hank, as you know,
tonight is "TGS's" 100th episode.

And we've been getting
some good media buzz.

We got on Wikipedia this week.

So you did 99 shows
against all odds and reason.

That's something.
Now it's time to rest.

Really? You want to cancel
the only show on your network

starring a 42-year-old woman,

a show that is number 1

in its time slot among men
18 to 49 months left in prison?

I thought this company was a family,

but I guess it's that Austrian family
and I am the girl in the basement

and you are the dad
who has been brutally...

Thank you, Lemon.

What Liz is neglecting to tell you
is that Tracy Jordan is back.

Oh, well, that's something.

And I would consider
it a personal favor

if you would let them do
the 100th episode

and then reevaluate the show
with Tracy in it.

All right.
You get one more sh*t.

Just like the Army doctor said to me
after my weekend in Okinawa!

You know, Jack, I'm amazed

at how much you will stick
your neck out for your people.

It's no wonder you're here with us
good folks at KableTown

instead of running GE.

They're mean.

Jack Welch once smacked a pretzel
out of my hand at the Super Bowl.

Is Tracy back?
I'd hate to think I just lied to Hank.

Jeez, I'll get it done.

You know I'll do whatever it takes,
Lemon style.

Everybody dance now!

But you're going
to get me another sandwich,

or I'm going to cut your face up
so bad, you'll have a chin.

I will waste you!

You'll have to go
through this old bastard first!

And I don't really think it's fair
for me to be on a jury

because I'm a hologram.

What is the hold-up with Tracy?
I thought you found him.

I did find him,
but he's still crazy.

He thinks he can't be funny anymore

because now he's a big Oscar winner,
people respect him too much.

He told me he feels like
a Bartram's Scrub-Hairstreak

trying to crawl back
into its silky cocoon

which is a butterfly metaphor,
by the way,

and not, as I first thought,

a list of African-American
hair products.

Well, you just need to turn
the beautiful butterfly back

into a drunk,
incompetent caterpillar.

And I have a plan.

I booked him on every
morning show in New York.

Tracy will destroy all
his good will in time for rehearsal.

I've been prepping him all week.

So, Tracy Jordan,

my wife, Joy, and I
were at Mar-A-Lago...

Jesus was black!

Just get him back
in time for the show.

I have a very full plate.

Really?
Is it from that pie place?

And I'm tired of going to bat
for you and your show.

Oh. Okay. Fine.

But just to be clear...

There is no pie.

Okay.

Who wears a swimsuit to Denny's?
That's her!

- That's me!
- That's Pam!

The overly confident
morbidly obese woman.

I can't sit in a booth!

And cut!

Congratulations, everyone.

In 100 shows,
we've done "Pam" 107 times.

Can you believe it's been 5 years
since we first started doing this?

That wasn't me.
There used to be another guy.

I don't think so.

Happy 100th show, Ms. Maroney.

Danny and I were just talking about
what an amazing 5 years we've had.

I will choke you to death
with your boyfriend's wig!

Give me back my man, bitch!

Can you reminisce
about something that's happened

since I've been here,
'cause I couldn't see any of that.

I'll never forget what you said to me
after that first show, Ms. Maroney.

Terrific show, Ma'am.

If I know anything about television,
The Girlie Show is a hit!

Oh, please. If this turkey goes
100 episodes, I'll have your baby.

I said that?

I was so young.

Wait, I saw that.
How? Am I dead?

Well, it's been 100 episodes,

I better lay you across my
grandmother's lap in the mating shed.

But seriously, imagine if Jenna
really was a mother.

It would be horrible!

The only things I want latched
to my fun bags are celebrity DJs.

I don't know, Ms. Maroney, I think

you'd make a wonderful parent.

You could sing the baby to sleep,
and tell it fairy tales

and act out all the witch parts.

You're serious?

Oh, you albino goon!

I wish. Albinos get to be watchers
in the mating shed.

I can't even imagine you pregnant.

A picture of you in U S Weekly
next to Natalie Portman

in the same maternity outfit,
"Who wore it best?"

I did.
I wore it best.

A baby gets you attention.

Okay, listen up, friends.

It's pep-talk time.

I'm not going to sugar coat
anything here.

If we don't get Tracy back and do
the best show that we've ever done,

we're cancelled.

So, we're counting on Tracy?

Forget it!

Frank, but that bigger hat back on.

Look, we've been through
bad times before.

Riding straight to hell!

Here come the roofies.

Where's my mac and cheese?

And we've had some good times.

Who wants... my puddings!

And I know what you
are all capable of.

This is your moment.

Tonight, 'TGS' will not be
the worst thing on television.

It'll be John Stossel!

Who's with me?

- Yeah!
- Let's do it!

Gas leak, huh?

Great.
Damn it!

Why now, on my last day
before retirement?

Here, let me show
you guys something.

That's my girl. We're getting
married when I get out of here.

Why am I showing you guys this?
It's going to jinx everything.

Plus, you're a couple of pervs.

We should be all right as long
as the leak doesn't get into...

Ah, damn it, look at this.

It's going right into
the 6th-floor air duct.

Damn it again!

Well, we're going
to have to evacuate the 6th

until this thing's taken care of.

Who's up there?
'TGS'?

Isn't that show already half-dead?

Who wants to kiss?

Let's say we get some fresh air.

Jack, we have a problem.

There's a gas leak in the studio.

Do you know what I find fascinating?

Mystery novels written by janitors?

How everyone
who comes through my doors

seems to want to talk about 'TGS'

as if it's also
the only thing in my life.

Now, I may not be the head of GE,

but that doesn't mean
I'm not a very busy man.

I've got other things
going on too, you know?

See? I got a new hair.

- It's white and it hurts, but...
- How bad is this leak?

It's pretty bad, prolonged exposure
could lead to incapacitation

or even death.

Other possible side-effects
include hallucinations,

revelation of secrets,
telling of truths,

flashbacks,
headaches, nostalgia.

Can you believe this is happening
to me on my last day of work?

My last day. I don't know
if there was a party planned...

Evacuate the 6th floor.

I don't care if anyone dies.

I refuse to have long,
gas-induced conversations

with any of you people.

Boy, you know,
over the past 5 years,

we've had a lot of crazy characters
and guest stars drop by 'TGS'...

Thank you.

Pete.

Thank you, Pete.

I can't believe it's been 100 shows.
More like 100 little strokes.

You know The Girlie Show
was working just fine,

and then Jack came along
and forced me to hire Tracy,

and now look at us.

Oh, life was so much simpler
back then.

I had a boyfriend, Denis.

I mean, sure, he was an idiot,
but he made great chili,

and he didn't care
if I watched TV during sex.

Yeah, maybe I was better off then.

Liz, we have to evacuate the floor.
There's a gas leak.

What?
What about the show?

Everyone, evacuate immediately.
This is not a drill.

The gas is not affecting me yet,
so I can lead you to safety.

Just follow these... troll penises!

Oh, God, what have I done?

He is an Oscar winner
for his role

as D'Jeffrey "Lucky" Seeda

in the movie Hard to Watch.

Please welcome
Tracy Jordan.

Tracy!

Tracy.

Tracy?

Why don't you shut your mouth,

back that ass up,
and make me a sandwich!

He's awesome!

You are still in character

as the verbally abusive
D'Jeffrey.

I mean, he's become
such a part of him.

So, Tracy Jordan.

You asked to come on our show

because you had a revelation

about your post-Oscar
trip to Africa.

I lied to all you ugly white ladies.

I didn't go to Africa.

I was hiding in a warehouse
in Queens

watching
vintage p*rn.

I love your honesty.

It's because you didn't feel
like your authentic self

that you walked away
from success.

That's actually very brave,
don't you think?

No, it's un-brave!
You should hate me!

I can't. You fly free.

I'm a bird in a cage.

Hey, you got to say around.

We've got our no-cook
cooking hair make-unders.

What does that even mean?

It's new hair cuts,

but you can make salads
with them.

A true artist
that feels things we don't.

This is Today on NBC.

No, we can't do
another "Pam", not tonight.

Frank, what is this?
"Broken eyboard alk show"?

I write what I know.

Also, I broke my keyboard.

No, we're throwing everything out
and starting over.

Only home runs, guys.
Focus up.

It's just hard to concentrate.
It's so nice working outside.

Tracy, how did it go?
Are you on your way back?

It was a disaster!

What happened?
What about our plan?

I'm so beloved,
I could do no wrong.

Now, everyone's after me.

UNICEF, the Gates Foundation,

and what is Farmaid?

Is it a drink?

Is it a drug?

Is it a bandage you put on a barn?

See that's the kind of lazy standup
I'll never do again!

Tracy, just come back.

Do the show tonight,
and we'll figure all this out.

"F" you, L.L.

Spells "full"!

Because you're full
of B.S., Liz Lemon!

Listen to me, there's still time.

The media won't let you
embarrass yourself,

be like Michael McDonald
and take it to the streets.

Get the public to hate you,
and the media will follow.

And then you'll get
your old life back, trust me.

You better be right, Liz Lemon,

'cause I can't take
much more of this.

I think Bono got in my limo.

Liz, do you think
I'd be a good mother?

No!
And I wasn't even drinking anything.

I just feel
like I'm at a point in my life

where I'm starting to have this
real desire to nurture my career.

I think pregnancy
would be a great PR move.

Oh, my God, you want a baby
to help your career?

Look, 'TGS' may be going away.

Being pregnant is a great excuse

for why I stopped working,
instead of the truth.

I'm in my 40s, very difficult,

and not that good
at playing "la realitee."

Jenna, think about this.
You will have a child...

Who will grow up
to be a little gay fancy man.

Well, good luck finding a man
willing to ride that crazy train.

I'll have you know,
I talked with a man this morning

who thinks I'd be
a wonderful mother.

He must be an idiot.

He is an idiot.

What about a sketch

about how the Empire State Building
is controlling us with electricity.

Come on.
Get out of here.

Just maybe one more turn.

Then I can go home
to my sweetheart.

I told her boy I'd hit a home run
for him tomorrow night.

Here we go.

Damn it! I'm getting to old
for this "shh" sound

that comes from this gas pipe.

Who are you?
You're so handsome.

I'm Jack Donaghy,
CEO of General Electric.

The question is,
who are you?

I'm Jack Donaghy.

You were Jack Donaghy.
You were magnificent.

I'm still magnificent.

No. I come
from an alternate universe

in which I followed
our plan for world domination.

I run the General.

I own an NFL team.

I guest starred on Entourage.

- What do you do?
- I'll tell you what I don't do.

Wear a striped tie
with a striped shirt.

It's called "power clashing,"
and I do it because I can.

I wore this on the January cover
of Meetings magazine.

We made the cover
during Meetings History Month?

I made the cover.

What happened to you, Jack?

You were supposed
to spend 6 months in TV

as part of your climb
up the GE ladder.

You've been here 5 years.

And here... isn't even GE anymore.
It's Kable Clown.

Town, Donaghy,
and that's not funny.

It was funny when I said it
on my syndicated radio show.

You bastard.
I'm doing fine!

You used to be a shark.

I still am.
Look at my claws!

Sharks don't have claws.

You don't even know
what a shark is anymore!

Oh, God!

And do you know why?

- No.
- Liz Lemon.

Lemon?

She became your focus,

at the expense
of your own ambition.

You should have realized
within a week

that Lemon was a black hole
unworthy of our mentorship.

And now it's 5 years later,
and what are you doing?

Are you building factories
in Bangalore?

Are you dining
in the Palin White House?

- No.
- No!

You're approving
'TGS' wrapped gifts,

baseball caps with stupid sayings
from the show written on them.

What the hell is a Pwomp?

It's when two fat people...

I don't care!

What's happened to you?

To us?

We make me sick!

Mr. Donaghy,

- What?
- Yes, Tom?

The gas leak
has spread to this floor.

You got to clear out
before you start seeing things.

- Thank you, Tom.
- I'll clear you out!

Oh, okay.

The real Jack Donaghy
could handle a little gas leak!

I am a Jedi!

Hey, look,

Tracy Jordan is ironically
re-appropriating his bad past behavior

as a commentary
on Fitzgerald's dictum

that there are no second acts
in American life.

I want to take a picture of him
with my old-fashioned camera.

No, no!

- Help, I can't swim!
- Damn it!

He just pulled me
out of the water and said,

"Don't tell anyone I did this."

I didn't even get a chance
to congratulate him on his Oscar.

Modesty and heroism.

Two words forever synonymous
with Tracy Jordan.

"Tracy Jordan
saves drowning man"?

Oh, come on!

Why is Tracy off rescuing people?

Why isn't he here?

He will be.
I promise.

And we need to be ready.
Lutz, what are you working on?

Breathing through my mouth so I
don't smell the throw-up on my shirt.

I would take my shirt off,
but I visited my rescue chimp

for his birthday last week,

and another chimp got mad
and bit my nipple off.

He played with it,

and then he kissed it,
and then he ate it.

Damn it, Lutz, focus up!

Where's my computer?

Cerie, did you not
bring my computer down?

You said you were writing.

I've only seen you use that computer
to look at pictures of Nate Perkins.

Ah, pwomp!

Hey, Jack, you're friends
with Jeter and Springsteen right?

Can you call and see
if they'll be in the cold open?

They'd have to kiss...

Oh, really, Lemon?

You're still needing my help?

5 years of my business life wasted,

and I'm still supposed
to hold your hand,

your wet,
yet somehow flaky hand?

What just happened?

You happened!
Sideways Jack was right.

- Sideways what?
- In here!

Did you also have
to evacuate the NBC store?

No. It's just empty.

This TV nonsense was supposed
to be my stepping stone

and instead it's my gravestone.

And do you know
whose fault that is?

Sort of feel
like you're going to say Leno?

You. I got so sucked
into trying to repair you,

that I became
the American auto industry

failing to recognize
that you can't fix a lemon!

Wow, yeah,
because the last 5 years

have been so great for me
with you as my mentor.

I was better off before we met.

So what's your point, Lemon?

You'd rather be doing
The Girlie Show

and going home to Denis?

I didn't say that. But at least
Denis was always there for me.

He's the only guy
I can say that about.

I dragged you down?
Opposite!

I should have gone with my gut
and fired you when we first met.

What?
Flashback, please.

Uh, Pete, hang back.

Yeah, you bet.

We have a problem.

I can explain.
My zipper broke.

I don't think Liz Lemon's female voice
is a good match for Tracy Jordan.

f*ring Lemon will send
a message to the whole staff.

No, no, you can't fire Liz.
This show is her life!

She hasn't got much going on.
She threw a birthday party for her TV.

If you fire Liz, then I quit.

You'll never succeed by sticking
your neck out for someone like her.

But if that's how you feel, so be it.

The important thing
is that I fire someone.

Pete.

You tried to fire me?

And then a week later you're like,
"Oh, I want to mentor you.

Unlikely friendship."
Who do you think you are?

I'll tell you who I was,
that guy that fired Pete.

And he could have run GE,
but instead he got Lemoned!

I should have fired you
from my life!

I knew you were supposed to push,
but I didn't say anything.

Mmm!

The MSG is delicious today.

I'm so glad that you're able
to meet me at my break.

Is this just to talk, or will you be
activating my electric underwear?

Just to talk.

Paul, do you think
I'd be a good mother?

Of course not!
And I'd be a terrible father.

I mean, what if we had a child
that was prettier than us?

We'd have to leave it in a desert.

But Kenneth thinks
I'd make a good mother.

Oh. Is that something
you'd want?

It wasn't something I'd thought about
until Kenneth said I'd be good at it.

And of course
it'd be great for my career.

Everyone would talk
about my crazy name choice.

Right now it's between "Frisbee-face,"
and "Glok-Gender-lrrelevant."

I love you, Jenna Maroney.

I want to hog-tie you and hide you
in the luggage compartment

of a Greyhound bus
with just a bowl of dirty water.

I love you too.

But I don't know.

I mean, Kenneth Parcell may be
the only man in the world

who thinks you should have a child.

Break's over, Paul.

Crew meeting in
Lady Chantarel's office. He's pissed.

- Hey, Dummy!
- Gah, what?

Whoa.
You look good.

You lose weight or something?

Your neck, it looks looser.

What are you doing here, Denis?

- I got your message.
- What message?

Denis, it's Dummy.
I miss you, come see me.

Things were better 5 years ago, Jack.

I was in my 30s and everything!

Waaaz aaap!

You've reached Denis's voice mail.

How you doing?
Get out of here, Joey!

I'm recording
my voice mail message.

Is that real?

Okay, I did call you,
but I was not in my right mind.

I mean, how could I be to call you
after everything you've done?

Good evening, sir,
I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NB C.

Can I ask you
what you're doing here tonight?

Oh, yeah, I heard
about some chick named Mary.

Hey, threesome?
How 'bout it, huh?

It's Tania, right?
It's wonderful service.

Could you maybe not
hit on the waitress in front of...

Joy screw.
Run, Dummy.

Oh, damn it! Denis!
I checked a coat!

- But you called me, Liz.
- Oh, whatever.

'Cause down deep, you still got
all kinds of q*eer feelings for me.

That's why I knew some day
you'd be all vulnerable

from a gas leak or a coma
or a super period.

- You're disgusting.
- And I would be there for you.

No.

You know what I feel?
You were a mistake.

That I made at a time in my life
when I could afford to make mistakes.

That's what I miss, Denis, not you.

Okay, g*ng, they fixed the gas leak,
they're airing out the studio,

we can start heading back up.

Whoa, hold on a second.

You think I'm just going
to give up now, huh?

I'm a Duffy, Liz.

And us Duffys, we didn't give up
when we got kicked out of Ireland.

We didn't give up
when America sent us back.

And we didn't give up

when Ireland then just set us
adrift on a log, all right?

Come on, it's not over, Liz!

What a day!

Miss Lemon's going to get
Mr. Jordan back.

We're going to do
the best show ever,

and out on the plaza,
a bird landed on my apple!

I though he was going to eat it,
but he just sat there!

What next? A different bird
landing on a different apple?

Where are you, Tray?

I'm back, Liz Lemon.

Tracy's back!

- Yes!
- Yes!

I'm going to need an Obama
cold open, a fart doctor,

and you know what, write up that
bum's Empire State Building idea.

Fart doctor!

No, I mean, I'm back
to where I was yesterday.

I can't get anyone mad at me.

I even called the women's basketball
team, "nappy-headed hos,"

but apparently I'm allowed
to talk like that.

- Why?
- Tracy, come on!

Tracy Jordan?
Why isn't he here?

I just had a meeting
with News down on 4.

Brian Williams sure gets
close to you when he talks.

Very feminine energy.

Anyway, I thought I'd just swing by

and introduce myself
to Tracy Jordan, but...

Ah! He is here, he just likes
to learn his lines in the bathroom

and communicate by phone.

Actors. Am I right?

You know, I once had to speak
to the Screen Actors' Guild.

Bunch of nut jobs.

But you couldn't make movies
and TV without them.

I'm just kidding.

I mean, look
at March of the Penguins.

Who was in that?

Good luck tonight.
You're going to need it.

Tracy, you can do this.
You have to be at the show tonight!

Tracy who? I don't even know
who I am anymore!

Look, you think the world
has turned its back on you?

I know a place
where that's not true.

A place where you can remember
the man you used to be.

A place where you
can eat buffet ribs

while someone's daughter
shakes her cr*ck at you.

Tracy Jordan,
I am taking you to a strip club!

Oh, excuse me, Miss,
how much is a lap dance?

I'm a little light on cash,
but I have a PayPal account.

Oh, my God!
Tracy Jordan?

That's right, party time!

When I saw you
in Hard to Watch...

No, no, keep it light.

...you inspired me to contact
my biological father.

No daddy stuff.

I hadn't spoken to him in 13 years.

Maybe show him your butt!

There are tears falling
on her boobies, Liz Lemon.

7 minutes later

I know you've been molested.

That's how we all got here.
But I don't want to hear about it.

I just wanted to let you know
that I am going into the Navy.

Because like you said in your movie,
"I invent my tomorrow!"

But I wasn't even
supposed to say that.

The line was

"Shareen, I hope Doctor Mugutu
has good news about my endoscopy."

But I couldn't get it right,
so they told me to improv.

Come on, guys, I'm making it rain.

You see what you've done,
Liz Lemon?

Tracy Jordan is broken.
It's over.

Get off the stage!
No whites!

You wanted to see me,
Ms. Maroney?

Oh, my!

Candles, incense, disco music.

Someone's getting
into the Easter spirit!

No, Kenneth.

Do you remember that silly joke
about me having your baby?

Yes. So crazy!

I know! It's crazy!

Unless you're into it.

What?

No, ma'am. That would be wrong.
We're not married.

And we're different religions.

We can do whatever we want.

Ms. Maroney, I'd do anything for you,
or Mr. Jordan,

but this is wrong.

But, Kenneth,
you might be my only chance.

No!

Fine.

I'll get you when you're sleeping!

It's not r*pe if neither party
really wants it!

You're back!

Yeah, this is my front.

Thanks for setting me up
with another classic quote.

I borrowed your whale semen candle.
It didn't work, by the way.

You can keep it.

I'm just packing up a few things
and then I'm going.

Wait, where are you going?

I'm quitting show business.

I can't stop the horrible respect
people have for me.

Tracy, you can't do that.

Look, I would never say this
on the record.

Of course.
This is all off the record.

The show needs you.
And I need you.

I'd rather do the show
than have a baby.

But you don't understand.

No, I do understand.
Look at Roman Polanski.

No, thank you.

Or Elia Kazan.

He told the government
his friends were communists,

then got a standing ovation
at the Oscars!

That's crazy!

A man named Elia.
That's a giraffe's name.

You know, when you think about it,

the only celebrities
who completely undo their good will

are the murderers.

John Wilkes Booth,
Phil Spector, O.J. Simpson,

who texted me earlier today.

sh**t someone, huh?

Nah, that's crazy,
even for us.

I guess it would take
a pretty big gas leak

to make you think
that was a good idea!

All right! 100th episode!
100 hours of comedy!

Minus the commercials...

20 hours of comedy.

- Hey, Dummy.
- Damn it!

Look, Liz, if this is going
to work out between you and me,

you should know, my tarantula
sleeps on my face.

Oh, my God.
My show is getting cancelled,

I'm never speaking
to Jack Donaghy again,

and the worst thing that happened
to me today is that you showed up.

Yeah, 'cause you called me.

When I was high on gas.

Do you not understand
what that means?

No, not really.
Gas has no effect on me at all.

When I was growing up, my school,
Gerry Cooney Elementary,

it was right next to a gas works
in Queens.

It ventilated into the cafeteria.

We got a big settlement
from the city.

Our parents voted
to spend it on a boat

that the families could share,
but then that sank.

But you know what?

I'm still smart enough to know

that I'll never do better than you,
Liz Lemon,

'cause you're a cook in the bedroom,
and a whore in the kitchen.

So I'm going to give you
one more sh*t to admit to me

that you keep bringing me back
into your life for a reason.

Supas, take out the trash.

Don't order me around, woman!

No, I mean...
Denis, get out.

I'll change your mind.

Let's rock, Duffy.

You again!

Wait, you're not Sideways Jack!

I'm Past Jack because
I'm from the past and I'm you.

Yeah. I get it.
Do you?

Because it seems like you don't get
much of anything anymore,

old man.

If you're my future,
I'm going to jump.

Stop him!
If he jumps, we don't exist any more.

I'm perfectly aware of that.

I studied Time Dilation and
Quantum Teleportation in college.

No, you didn't. You saw Time Cop!

Really?
I never saw Time Cop.

You will. In 2007.
And you'll love it.

Why are you talking like that?

This is how everyone talked
in the '80s.

This is how Reagan talked.

Look, there's still time
to fix this, Jack.

You need to kick ass again!

Starting with getting rid
of that woman.

Listen to him. He's awesome.
And you know he's right.

Fire Lemon.
I don't know if I can do that.

Well, then, check this! Oh, God!

That only hurt me!

Why did I think
that would hurt you too?

Jack, be the man
you were meant to be: Me.

This tuxedo is made
out of the puma that I rode

into my 50th birthday party.

Why are you both wearing tuxedos?

- It's after 6:00.
- It's after 6:00.

- What are we, farmers?
- What are we, farmers?

Now, go get rid of that woman.

Just want to check everything out
after your little gas scare.

Well, my pen light is working.
That's good.

Now, can you
say the alphabet for me?

Well, a very very heavay uh...

heavay di... birtation
tonight we had a very derst...

dereson by let's go ahead and tear
a station let's go la bip head an pip.

Excellent.

My God, Jenna, are you pregnant?

How?

Did you go swimming
in a public pool?

No. I got in my head
about having a baby,

and now I'm having
a hysterical pregnancy.

Well, that's redundant.
All pregnancies are hysterical.

They're started by penises.

This should be perfect.

I mean, all I want is the attention.

So why am I not happy?

I mean, on some level,
do I want to have a baby?

Do I want to be a mother?
Should I be a mother?

Bored.

Hey, Greta Johansen,
your animal wrangler.

My God, you're beautiful!

If you say goodbye tonight

All I'll have will be my memories

So keep on reaching for the light

I now believe
these are my memories

My memories...

Mr. Jordan, I refuse to accept
this is happening.

You leaving is as crazy
to me as evolution,

or a woman's right
to choose her haircut.

I'm sorry, Ken,
but maybe Jenna was right.

The only way I could come back
is if I sh**t someone.

And that's crazy!

Or is it?

Maybe it's a good idea.

I don't know.

It has a nice, simple logic to it.

Why don't we take a deep breath,

and then both say
what we think we should do.

- You should sh**t me...
- I should sh**t you...

- on the roof of "30 Rock".
- On the roof of "30 Rock".

I only ask one thing, sir.
Make it quick.

I cannot promise you that, Ken,
I'm a horrible sh*t.

To the roof!

Hey, Dummy.

Hey.
You ready to sign that lease?

You know how we were talking earlier
about me moving in with you,

and how hard it is to kick
a tenant out in New York?

Just think about it.
I'll make you chili every night.

I'll provide for you.

I have a new business idea.

It's like Netflix, but you go to
a store and you pick out your video

from a limited selection.

It would be like 5 years ago.

Exactly. I can move my stuff
in tonight! Right?

I just have one duffle bag
and a sidecar.

My motorcycle got impounded
for being parked too awesome.

I just need you to sign this lease
I printed up off the Internet.

Okay. I need a pen.

You don't have a pen?
You're a writer, Liz.

All I have is this
kick-ass laser pointer

that I point at nerd's
crotches in the park.

No, wait.

All we have
is this kick-ass laser pointer.

Come on, baby, let's go find a pen.

Okay.

Oh, no.

Let me introduce myself.
I am...

Future Jack, obviously.

Is that what we're wearing
in 10 years?

More like 35 years.

You're 87 years old?
My God, I'm outstanding!

I like to think so.

I've come all the way
from the future,

which is a lot harder
than coming from the past...

Whatever, Pops.

...to warn you
not to listen to the other Jacks.

In the future, you're happier
than you ever imagined.

You have grandchildren,
and a gorgeous Polyblasian wife.

That's a new race
that emerges in 2030.

They're incredible.

What happened to Avery?

Oh, you'll see. It's hilarious.

Yeah, but what about
his/your/our career?

Don't we want to be this dude?

Younger me's, business is only
a part of life. Real happiness...

Eh, shut up.

Don't listen to his crap, Jack.

If you chose my path,
you'll be plenty happy.

You'll spearhead G.E.'s development
of the Electric vag*na.

You won't be married,
but you'll have

a house with a lot of glass,
and it's cold.

And you'll own the Buffalo Bills.

You didn't say it was the Bills.

Look, right now Liz Lemon
is downstairs

about to sign a lease
with Denis Duffy.

If she does that, you'll lose her.

In 3 years, they'll be married
and living in Jacksonville, Florida,

where he operates
an unlicensed alligator park.

Jacksonville?

Her hair can't handle that humidity!

No, I don't care.
I'm tired of saving her.

To quote Liz Lemon, "Opposite!"

You'd be saving yourself.

The only way to get my life

is to be distracted
from your blind ambition.

And you can't do that
without Liz Lemon in your life.

Jack, this guy is just trying
to justify his own bad choices.

Go down there and fire Liz.

Okay?

We're obviously all thinking it,
so I'm just going to say it.

We're going to have sex
with each other, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my.

Lemon, don't sign that lease!

Why are you here?

Just sign it, Dummy. It's a receipt
for some lez pants or whatever.

No.

If you have a problem,
I will fight you, Denis.

That wouldn't be very fair.

I'm only trained to fight
four or more men at a time.

There are three more of me upstairs,
and I'd be happy to go get them.

I can't. I'd hurt my wrist.

Hey, people, somebody
sabotaged the gas line.

People could have d*ed.
Or had fights.

What?
Who would do that?

Hey, grab that black guy.

It was you!

What, are you mad at me, Liz? Huh?
I did it for love.

You're insane!

Hey, hey, hey, guys, hands off
the jacket, all right?

It's from Amar'e Stoudemire's
evening wear collection.

If I ever see you again,
I'll k*ll you.

Please, you'll be back!

All right, the gas is clearing out.

You should be okay in time
for the show

according to my device here.

Good work, Jennifer.

Oh, my God, the show!
I got to load in an audience,

I got to distribute scripts,

I got to change Jenna's blood.
I need Kenneth!

Forget about Kenneth.

I told Hank Hooper
that Tracy Jordan would be here.

Where is the star of your show?

Right here!

I know you're talking about Tracy,
but I don't care.

Tracy and Kenneth went to the roof
with a g*n. Why?

Because I gave Tracy the idea
to k*ll the only man

who would ever have
a baby with me!

Nothing to see here, Mr...

Hello, KableTown Family Members,
and my favorite actress,

Jenna, when 'TGS' gets cancelled,

I mean, if, when 'TGS' gets cancelled,
we need to talk about your future.

I know what my future holds,
Hank, motherhood.

It surprised me,
but I have so much love to give.

Well, why couldn't you be a mother,
and do a daytime talk show?

Because the talk show
would be my baby.

I'm not going to be held back
by some uterus turd!

Let's call my agent.

Oh, my God, your stomach!

For some reason
I'm starting to rethink this, sir.

We all have doubt Kato Records,

but we made a decision.

And we'll look stupid
if we don't follow through.

Okay. Just please,
tell my mother that...

My bad.
That was an accident.

Tracy, stop!

Don't startle me
when I'm holding a g*n!

Use your head, Liz Lemon!

For God's sakes Tracy,
give me that g*n!

Do you have any idea how much
paperwork I would have to do

if you sh*t Kenneth?

I didn't know that Jack.
I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get people
to stop respecting me.

Tracy, you want to destroy
the good will you have

so that you can go back
to your easy TV job?

Yes! Even more than I want
to sh**t Kenneth.

Then all you have to do
is go back to your easy TV job.

What?

Do TV.

And no one will ever
take you seriously again.

Doesn't matter
how big a movie star you are,

even if you had the kind of career
where you...

walked away
from a blockbuster franchise,

or worked with Meryl Streep,
or Anthony Hopkins,

made important movies
about things like civil rights,

or Pearl Harbor.

Stole films with supporting roles,

and then turned around and then
blew them away on Broadway,

none of that will matter
once you do television.

You could win every award in sight.

And be the biggest thing
on the small screen,

and you'll still get laughed
out of the Vanity Fair Oscar party

by Greg Kinnear!

Tracy, your career hit rock bottom

the first time you decided
to do 'TGS'.

You want it to hit rock bottom again?

Go on network television.

Let's make some TV!

We have 5 minutes!

Ah, ah!

Sorry, folks, while we
were working on the gas line,

we somehow broke the elevator.
She's an old building.

You're going to have
to take the stairs.

I'm okay!

At least I made it
through my last day.

Darn it.

Excuse me, the elevators are out.
Do you know how...

Shut up!

Well, if it isn't Jack and Kenneth,
and Tracy, and Liz.

Hey I have a bone to pick
with the four of you.

Screw, Williams!

Hey, get out of our home!

Sorry, recurring hobos.

I'm back everybody.

You're welcome for the adventure
my absence provided.

30 seconds!

Liz, I was checking the cue cards,
and we have a problem.

It all seemed so funny
when they were writing it.

During Denis's gas leak!

Yes, this will work.
Just flip the top of Act 2.

Danny can't make the wardrobe
change that quick.

Best show ever! Yeah!

Guys, I don't know about this.

Oh, my God.
We don't have a show!

10 seconds.

Just start!

I should call Denis.

Let's meet our contestants.

Dr. Steven Poop is a homemaker
and a centaur.

That did it.

You're picked up
for a billion more episodes!

Where am I?

Am I back in Vietnam?

What charity are you playing for?

The Grimace Foundation, Jeremy.

Keep your milkshakes purple
for over a million years!

Hold on.

Tracy's back on TV again?

Clooney, Hanks.
Actor emergency.

Tracy Jordan's doing TV again.

I know. Disappointing.
Take him off the official A List.

Well I don't have the password.
Pitt's our webmaster.

Well, then, wake him up!

They're doing "Pam" again?
Ugh!

I don't care what you say anymore
this is my life.

Go ahead with your own life.
Leave me alone.

This may be the gas talking,
but I was wrong about Denis.

You're the guy who never left.

And This is definitely
the gas talking,

but I'd be a lot worse off
if I never met you, Lemon.

And I'm proud to have you
as a mentee.

I mean, look at you.

Endangering the lives
of hundreds of people

for a show that TV Guide
once called "Still on."

I framed that article.

To 100 more episodes.

Wow, 5 years.

It makes you think about
all the fun we've had together.

But you know the single
most amazing thing

that's happened
over the last 5 years?

That is true, sir.
But, today does make me wonder

where we'll all be
5 years from now?

[Dinsdale]