04x12 - Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage

[bunniefuu]

What's your problem? It's your favorite.

Almonds and raisins.

Fine. Don't eat.

But I'm warning you.

That's it for the rest of the day.

Don't be complaining later.

Hey, hey, come on. You're crazy.

You know that? You're nuts.

Shh. Quiet.

Be as quiet as a you-know-what.

You know what, I should be frisking you, man.

I'm not the one talking to the D.A.

They came to me. What was I supposed to do?

Did you roll over?

No. I didn't tell them anything.

Did you roll over?

No! I swear to God.

I didn't tell them anything. You know me.

Yeah, I know you. And you're making me nervous.

You know what, not just me.

You're making everybody nervous.

[stun g*n zapping]

[stun g*n zapping]

[crate crashes]

Hey!

There's a crazy man in there!

There's a man who was chasing me.

I think he k*lled someone.

[siren]

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

* It's a jungle out there

* Disorder and confusion everywhere *

* No one seems to care

* Well, I do

* Hey, who's in charge here?

* It's a jungle out there

* Poison in the very air we breathe *

* You know what's in the water that you drink? *

* Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing *

* People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time *

* If you paid attention, you'd be worried too *

* You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much *

* Might just k*ll you

* I could be wrong now

* But I don't think so

* 'Cause it's a jungle out there *

* It's a jungle out there *

(Captain Stottlemeyer) Monk!

Natalie.

Thanks for getting here so fast.

This is not an appliance store.

Yeah, I know.

You said it was an appliance store.

I'm sorry. I lied.

But if I'd told you it was a junkyard, it would've taken me five hours to get you down here.

This is a junkyard. Wait. So you lied to us?

I'm sorry. This is a big case.

It just went down about 20 minutes ago.

We've got a fresh crime scene for once.

I wanted him here right away.

I can't believe you lied to us.

Look. I said I'm sorry I think twice.

How many times do I need to apologize?

[under his breath] Six. Six.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Can we do this?

The victim was a smalltime drug dealer.

Jimmy Botsdale. They called him Chicklet.

He used to work for Michael Karpov.

Karpov. I was just reading about that guy.

Karpov is going on trial next month for criminal conspiracy and money laundering.

I helped make the case.

Chicklet was supposed to testify against him.

Look at all this junk.

They should get rid of it. Put it somewhere.

Well, they did, Mr. Monk. They put it here.

It's a junkyard. You can say that again.

Look, I'm going to keep talking.

Somebody lured Chicklet here this morning and k*lled him.

There was a witness, however, a homeless man.

He saw the whole thing. Where is he?

We lost him.

He flagged down a patrol car and then he disappeared.

But we got his name. We'll find him.

Uh-oh. What's up?

Oh, that car.

One headlight's not broken.

It's the only one not broken.

Thank you.

[cell phone ringing]

It's Karen. Yeah, Karen.

I gotta take this. Hey, Randy!

Could you fill them in?

Hey. Did you get my note?

Oh, my God.

Don't touch the body. CSI isn't here yet.

Oh, okay, I won't touch the body.

He was bludgeoned.

Yeah. Looks like with the barrel of a g*n.

See these impressions?

If they had a g*n, why didn't they sh**t him?

Yeah, that is a good question.

Look at this.

Victim's cell phone.

Empty.

No memory. No address book.

Like it's been erased.

Could a stun g*n do that? Erase everything?

Yeah, maybe.

I'll have the coroner look for burn marks.

Stun g*n.

That's good.

Yo' good.

(Stottlemeyer) Because I'm your husband and that makes it my business.

Now, Karen, you don't want to talk about it?

You gotta talk about it.

Karen. No, I'm not yelling! I'm trying to--

Karen?

That's not cool, man. You should treat her better.

What did you say?

Oh, I just--

I don't really think you appreciate her, you know.

She's a hell of a woman.

Do I know you?

No. No, you don't know me.

The question is do you know your wife?

What's your name?

Sharkey, sir.

Well, Sergeant Sharkey, you're obviously trying to tell me something.

Are you trying to tell me that you know my wife?

Maybe I do.

You'd better wipe that smile off your face, son.

Well, I don't know if I can do that.

Karen put it there.

(Monk) Okay. Hold on.

Hey, guys. You can't fight here. This is a crime scene.

You want to take it down the street?

Let's go. Oh, sure.

Yeah, that's how you solve everything, isn't it?

Do you ever wonder what Karen's doing on Tuesday nights?

You know, when you're at your staff meetings?

Whoa, Sergeant, shut up. That's an order.

Take it from me, pal. She ain't missing you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Huh?

What's up? Okay.

I'm all right. It's okay. Okay. I'm okay.

Just walk away from this.

Captain!

Come on! You maniac. Are you kidding?

You knocked my tooth out. God.

You know what the son of a bitch said to me.

Maniac.

Just call the paramedics.

Don't move. Nobody move.

I'm going home.

Captain, you're in charge.

Randy, get out of my way!

(Disher) What the hell happened?

Monk, what happened?

I'm going to need statements from everybody.

Leland, what are you doing here?

Did something happen?

Now that's a good question.

What did you do?

Did you turn the heat up?

It's like a sauna in here.

Well, it's supposed to be

99 degrees exactly.

It's called the Gidamer Method.

It's very therapeutic.

I can't breathe.

What happened to your hand?

I punched a cop.

You punched a cop?

Yeah. A Sergeant.

Ryan Sharkey.

Why?

You don't know?

He said you and he were having an affair.

And you believed him?

Leland, he is lying.

Why would he lie, Karen?

Why would anybody lie about something like that?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe it was a joke. You know, cop humor.

I slept with your old lady.

Ha ha ha.

So you're denying it.

No, I'm not denying it.

It's so crazy, I won't even respond to it.

I can't believe we're even talking about this.

Well, it sure would explain a lot.

Like what? You know.

Like you sleeping in the guest room.

Because you've been snoring.

I didn't just start snoring, Karen.

Are you forgetting our anniversary.

And you not wanting to touch me anymore.

Leland, we have problems.

I'm not saying we don't.

But that isn't one of them.

Or at least it wasn't.

You used to tie my neckties.

If he's convicted, Michael Karpov is looking at 25 years to life, which gives us motive with a capital M.

That makes him suspect number one.

What about physical evidence?

Unfortunately, there's not much.

The crime scene was contaminated by two of our own.

That's the bad news.

The good news is there's a witness.

A homeless man. A transient.

A homeless transient.

He's known as, uh, Jerry or Gerald.

35, maybe 40 years old.

If we can find him, we can bring Karpov in for a line-up.

Thank you, Lieutenant. I'll take it from here.

Actually, sir. I'm in charge.

Says who?

Deputy Chief.

I'm really sorry, sir.

Oh.

Well, carry on.

I'll be in my office.

Wait, why don't you keep the pointer.

I don't want the pointer, Randy.

You're doing a great job. Carry on.

Oh, no. It's okay.

I can use my finger.

See, look. Works just as well.

Even better. It bends.

Take the pointer, Randy.

All right, let's get to work.

(Monk) Careful. Both hands. That's too high.

Ugh, those things are death traps.

That's not just my opinion.

It's a fact.

Belgium, 1952, a kid almost d*ed on one of those.

There he is.

Where?

That guy? Yeah.

He doesn't look like a drug dealer.

He's indicted for dealing.

He's guilty of a whole lot worse.

Mr. Karpov, good morning.

Got a minute?

Captain Stottlemeyer, for you, any time.

Teddy. These men are policemen.

What do we do when we see a policeman?

Very good. See?

I'm teaching him respect for the law.

Chicklet has passed on.

Yes, I heard. Heartbreaking.

Hello. You have a little-- you have a smudge there.

I bet I can read your mind, Captain.

You want to know where I was yesterday morning.

That's right. Around 6:00 a.m.

6:00 a.m.

I was in bed with my beautiful wife where I belong.

Can you prove that?

That's not the question.

The question is can you prove I wasn't?

Do you own a stun g*n, Mr. Karpov?

What would I do with a g*n?

I'm a businessman. I import furniture.

Oh, you do.

And you are a very pretty lady.

Perhaps I could sell you a end table, hand-carved from Estonia, then you would believe me.

Look.

You're watching me. The press is watching me.

I would be a fool to sneak away and do this thing.

And I'm not a fool.

Either you did it or you hired somebody to do it.

You see that, Teddy?

That is what they call speculation.

Something that the policemen do when they're trying to scare you.

Why don't you go play with your friend.

There was a witness, Michael.

A witness at the junkyard who saw everything.

Ah, what did he say?

He? How did you know it was a man?

He just said it was a witness.

He, she, doesn't hardly matter because you are bluffing.

If you had any witnesses, then I would be down at your station house for one of your ridiculous line-ups.

There's gonna be a line-up very soon.

Enjoy these moments with your son, Michael.

Take lots of pictures because you're not going to be seeing him for a very long time.

I think I'm sick.

Save yourselves.

She's going to blow!

Listen, um, I need a favor.

Karen's going out this afternoon.

She said she's going to the movies.

I want you to follow her.

Oh, Captain. No.

You said she denied everything.

She did.

Well, Captain, that Sergeant was just joking around.

He's just trying to impress his idiot friends.

I don't think so.

Karen and me... we don't even fight anymore.

Last week she said she was at her friend's house.

I called there. She wasn't there.

The week before that, it was the same thing.

Oh, Leland, don't-- don't ask me to do this.

Monk, I really need to know.

I'd do it myself but the Chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off.

I knocked out a tooth. One tooth.

It's not like I k*lled the guy.

Who was that clown? I've never seen him before.

Ryan Sharkey, Jr. He was a motorcycle cop.

He just transferred in from Mendocino.

Wait. You pulled his file?

You bet I did.

He's a real hotshot.

Has a couple of big arrests.

He's been cited for bravery twice.

And I hear he's a real ladies' man.

You want some advice? Forget what he said.

Just forget it.

Go home and hug your wife.

I don't want any more advice.

I want to know where Karen is going this afternoon.

What if she sees us?

She's going to know that you asked us to follow her.

Wouldn't that be worse?

Worse than not knowing?

Isn't it k*lling you not knowing what happened to Trudy?

How many times have I asked you for a favor?

103. Counting this, 104.

How many times have I said please?

Okay.

Okay, here's how you follow someone.

Stay at least 40 feet back.

Not more than 60.

And whenever possible, try to use reflective surfaces.

Reflective surfaces.

Yeah, see.

Very discreet.

Reflective surfaces.

Wait a minute. I lost her. Where'd she go?

Hey, would this be considered a reflective surface?

Yeah. Well, mirrors-- mirrors are good too.

Oh oh oh oh oh.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

She's going. She's going.

Wait a second. What is that on my collar?

Come on! What is that?

Okay, come on.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I hate this.

Yeah, I do too.

How long have they been married?

Forever. Karen and Leland.

And they've never had one thing in common.

I remember this one weekend he went hunting and she stayed home and organized a rally for stronger g*n control.

It's hard when people get married that young, you know.

They get older. They change.

Not me.

I know not you, but people.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Okay, Mr. Monk. Come on. Come on.

She's getting away.

But you can't just leave her like this.

It's a mannequin!

Why do you say things like that? Oh!

Sorry.

So we're at her favorite restaurant, okay?

And I'm spending like a whole week's paycheck on this one dinner.

And then this jerk at the table next to me keeps yapping on his cell phone.

I hate those cell phones.

You can't have a decent conversation anymore.

Did you say your affirmation?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Okay. I tried. I really did.

I said, "Please, we're trying to enjoy our dinner."

And then his cell phone rang again.

And I guess I lost it.

I threw a plate.

A couple of plates.

[cell phone ringing]

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Look, I can't talk right now, okay?

I'll call you later.

Leland, would you mind turning that off?

I can't. I'm on duty.

So what are you? A cop?

That's right.

You think you're better than me because you're a cop?

No, Peter, I think I'm better than you on general principle.

Well, at least I have some rough idea of where my wife is.

Leland.

Leland. Look at me.

Look. Look at me.

Say your affirmation. I want to hear it.

These things happen.

Say it again.

These things happen.

Sit down.

These things happen.

Leland is angry, which is what?

(all) A feeling.

That's right. Anger is just a feeling.

Leland, you don't have to act on your feelings.

You're an adult.

You can choose how you want to respond.

You're absolutely right.

I'm going to give you something.

It's a backup plan in case you're out in the world and you're in a situation and your affirmation is not working.

It's a fact.

You can't stay mad at anybody when you're playing with a yo-yo.

I want you to take this with you.

I don't think so.

You understand if I don't sign your certificate of completion, you're gonna be with us for another six weeks.

Thank you.

How's that feel? It feels great.

Good. Thank you.

God-- Leland, Leland, you don't have to do it that fast.

Yes, I do.

All right, well, I've checked everywhere.

There's no movie theater in this mall.

So she lied about that.

Uh-huh.

Oh, there she goes.

Mr. Monk, we gotta go.

Uh, look.

$10.03. That's how much is in there.

Okay. Thank you. Now we know.

Yeah, I think we should make it even.

What are you talking about?

The fountain.

If we take out three cents, then it'll be $10.

It's a nice round number. $10.

And everyone will be happier.

You always say that. Who is everyone?

Me...

Me.

You want me to reach in there and take out three pennies.

Would you mind? Yes, I would.

Look, she's moving again. We gotta go.

Mr. Monk, if we walk now, you won't even think about the fountain.

I'll think about it. It would haunt me.

The three extra pennies. It would haunt you?

[softly] It would haunt me.

There. Okay? Okay.

[gasps] Oh, my God! She really is seeing somebody.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, the poor Captain.

Is it Ryan Sharkey?

I don't know. I can't see his face.

I'll try to get closer.

'Scuse me.

Did you just take money from that fountain?

No.

Ma'am.

Well, yeah, I mean-- We were making it even.

Come with me, please.

I just need to get a sh*t.

I don't want any trouble. Just come with me.

You too.

(Natalie) Get the sh*t.

"A thousand seemingly unrelated facts

"were coming together in Mark's mind

"to form an undeniable truth.

"A picture of absolute clarity

"where before there had been confusion.

"What do you know? Jesse asked him.

"I know how Winston Brant was k*lled, Mark said.

"And I know who did it."

Can you believe it?

What kind of degenerate tears out the last two pages of a Diagnosis m*rder mystery book?

What are you doing?

[stun g*n zaps]

What are you doing?

I'm not going to say anything.

I promise. Sorry, Gerald.

[stun g*n zaps, Gerald screams]

Aaaaah! thud!

[cell phone ringing]

It's the Captain calling again.

Don't answer it.

Well, we can't avoid him forever.

We've got to try.

Gerald Vengal? Hi, I'm Lieutenant Disher.

San Francisco police.

This is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger.

How you feeling?

Like I got dropped out of a three-story window.

Luckily I fell on a triple-corrugated GE refrigerator box.

That's an excellent box.

If you gotta fall on a box, try and make it a GE triple-corrugated.

Well, I'll keep that in mind.

Monk, questions.

Yes. Yes.

Mr. Vengal.

Gerald.

Do you have any idea approximately when you'll be finished chewing on that piece of meat?

Sorry. It's been a long time since I had a real meal.

Listen, you guys got to help me get out of here.

It's okay. You're perfectly safe.

There's two policemen stationed right outside the door.

It's not me. I'm worried about Devo.

Who's Devo?

Mouse. Mouse. Ah! Mouse!

I fell on the box and Devo fell on me.

If the doctors find him, I don't know what they're going to do.

Hospitals hate rodents. They're like fanatics about it.

We'll take care of Devo for you. I promise.

He's actually kind of cute.

Natalie, don't touch him.

Later on if we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

(Gerald) He's not an ordinary mouse. He's a genius.

Does impressions. Watch.

Devo, look at me. Do a gerbil.

Be a gerbil.

He's shy, but he'll do it.

Come on, boy. You can do it.

Yeah, go on. You can do it. Do the gerbil.

There it is.

Did you see that?

Yeah. It's uncanny.

He's like Robert De Niro.

(Monk) Mr. Vengal, uh, those two burn marks on your neck, did he att*ck you with a stun g*n?

Yes, sir.

And you got a good look at him.

I sure did. I'll never forget that face if I live to be 40.

And you're sure it was the same guy you saw before in the junkyard.

Definitely. The same guy.

Mr. Vengal, we think we know who did this.

His name is Michael Karpov.

I'd like to bring you down to the station house later today so you can take a good look at him.

We'll set a line-up.

Mr. Vengal.

How we feeling today?

You finished with this?

All right.

I'm going to take your pulse.

I'm sorry, folks, but visiting hours are over.

He needs his rest.

Hoo-uh. Thank you.

Are you okay?

Fine. Uh...

My shoulder's a little sore.

Mr. Vengal, good to see you.

[knock at door]

Captain. Hey.

I've been calling you guys all day.

Have you been avoiding me?

Yes, we have.

We were waiting till we could print this for you.

She's seeing somebody.

I knew it.

Who is it?

We never saw his face.

Is--is--is this the only photograph you got?

Well, we sort of got arrested.

It's a funny story.

I don't want to hear it. No, it's really funny.

I really don't want to hear it.

That's Sharkey, isn't it?

I don't think so.

You look at the shape of his left ear--

I don't want to hear about the shape of the man's ear, Monk!

It's him. I can tell.

These things happen.

These things happen.

These things happen.

Screw it.

Okay, guys.

I've got a line-up downstairs in five minutes.

I need to fill it out. Volunteers.

Fine. Pritchert, how tall are you?

5'10".

Good, you just volunteered. You're one.

Mr. Karpov, you're two.

I don't need your court order.

You're just wasting everybody's time.

We'll see.

Landow, you're three.

What's wrong with me?

Sorry, Harry. You're too short.

It's funny. It's funny.

Nolte, you're four. I need one more!

Sharkey, you're in the line-up.

You're five.

Not me, Lieutenant.

I just finished a double shift. I'm not asking you.

All right.

Let's go. Let's do this.

Come on.

Gerald, this is Mr. Hoffman from the District Attorney's office.

Just relax.

It's one-way glass.

They won't even know you're here.

You ready?

Okay, send 'em in.

That--that's him. That's the guy.

You recognize him, don't you, Devo?

He's--

Wait.

Don't say anything.

We have to do this by the book.

We have to wait till they all step forward.

You know where Ryan Sharkey's at?

He's downstairs in a line-up.

Number two, step forward.

Turn to your left.

Thank you.

Number three, step forward.

Is that you?

You're pathetic.

Thank you.

Number four, step forward.

Number three, please put the yo-yo away.

Number four, turn to your right.

Thank you.

What's your problem, bud?

You're the problem, bud.

Number four, please let go of number three.

Number five, stop kicking.

Number two, step forward.

Number three, please let go of number four and step forward.

Ouch.

How's it going?

(Disher) Please stop.

Stop. Stop. Please.

Please let go of number three.

Whoa, Sergeant. Careful.

Wait. He--he-he's in there!

The k*ller's in there!

I'm sure he is, Mr. Vengal, but it doesn't matter.

The line-up is busted.

(Monk) That might have been the worst line-up in the history of law enforcement.

Yeah, it wasn't exactly textbook, was it?

Captain, what should I do?

You do your job, Randy.

You write it up exactly as it happened.

Don't worry about me.

Where's Karpov?

We had to let him go.

Sergeant, sit down.

I'm gonna need a statement from you too.

Leland, Natalie called to tell me that you've been fighting again.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Why don't you ask about your boyfriend?

Hey, Karen.

Leland, I've never seen that man before in my life.

Karen, you can stop pretending.

Now you're just insulting me.

Karen, would you just tell him?

Leland.

I know you want to k*ll me.

I'd probably feel the same way, all right?

But you gotta understand.

Whatever happened between Karen and I didn't mean anything, all right?

It was a mistake.

I'm sorry.

I'm apologizing to you.

Who are you?

Leland, he must be crazy.

Sweetie, it was fun.

You gotta face the music.

It's over between us. Okay?

Okay, I don't know him. You've got to believe me.

Do I?

Yes, you do.

You have to believe me.

Why would he-- why would he lie, Karen?

Why would he say these things?

'Scuse me.

'Scuse me, Sergeant.

Are you chewing that apple on your left side?

Yeah so? Why?

Why? Because your friend knocked my tooth out two days ago, remember?

Yes, I remember.

But he didn't hit you on this side.

The Captain is right-handed.

He hit you on the other side, your left side.

The side--the side you're chewing on.

Okay.

The captain didn't knock your tooth out, did he?

What are you, crazy?

I'm remembering a few other things.

You--you used to work in Mendocino, right?

When we saw Michael Karpov in the park, his son was wearing a shirt that said "Mendocino Day School."

Michael Karpov lives in Mendocino.

Uh, yeah. A lot of people live in Mendocino.

I don't know Michael Karpov.

I think you do.

Ten minutes ago downstairs, you were wearing those clothes and Karpov called you Sergeant.

That's right. I heard that too.

How did he know you were a sergeant, Sergeant?

This is Disher.

Is Gerald Vengal still in the building?

You work for Michael Karpov.

We always suspected there was a cop on his payroll.

You k*lled Chicklet, didn't you?

That's why you didn't sh**t him.

Because you knew the b*llet could be traced back to your w*apon.

Here's what happened.

You lured Chicklet to the junkyard.

But he fought back.

He must've hit you.

You were bleeding. You lost a tooth.

You had a big problem.

Your DNA was all over that crime scene.

The cops were on their way.

You didn't have time to clean it up.

You put your uniform on.

You returned to the scene.

But you knew forensics would be there any minute.

What to do? What to do?

Then you had an idea.

I'm your husband.

That makes it my business, okay?

If you picked a fight with someone-- if you could provoke them and get them to hit you-- you'd be home free.

They could find your tooth, your DNA, your blood.

You knocked my tooth out. God.

Nobody would ever question it.

You told my husband we were sleeping together so that he would hit you?

Oh, come--would you-- You can't prove any of this.

I think we can.

We can connect you to Karpov.

We'll pull your phone bills, your e-mails, your bank accounts.

Yeah, I think you might need a little more than that.

That's the guy.

I-I-I've been telling you guys all day.

I saw him at the junkyard. That's the guy!

Oh, hey, are--are you done with that?

It's not for me.

It's for Devo.

He's had a pretty rough day.

That mouse was in my pocket.

He was in my pocket.

Let's go, Sharkey.

Are you okay?

[nervous laugh]

Heck of a thing, huh?

[makes g*nsh*t sound]

Actually, it's kind of flattering, if you think about it.

He picked me because he knew that I would react

'cause he could tell how much I love you.

It's not flattering, Leland.

Look, Karen, I know that I've got a temper.

But I've been working on it.

I've got a yo-yo.

Actually, uh, the yo-yo broke when I threw it at the guy.

Why didn't you believe me?

I had Monk follow you yesterday afternoon.

He saw you meeting a man.

You had me followed?

You want to tell me about him?

His name is Max Tepperton.

He's a divorce lawyer.

You've been sleeping with a divorce lawyer?

You know what, it doesn't matter because I forgive you, Karen.

Hell, I'm no saint.

We'll get past this.

No, Leland.

He's representing me.

"Stottlemeyer versus Stottlemeyer."

Why?

Because you have to ask why, Leland.

That's why.

So is that it?

Yeah.

Twenty years. Two suitcases.

Where are the boys?

They're with Karen.

At her sister's.

How they doing?

Not good.

Listen, Captain, if you need somebody to talk to, here.

Just call any time about anything.

Even in the middle of the night.

Monk, I know your number.

It's not me.

It's Natalie's home phone.

She's really good.

He's right. Any time.

Thank you.

Well, you know the old saying.

"When God closes a door..."

When God closes a door, sometimes he breaks your heart.

That's not the old saying.

It is today.