05x13 - Mr. Monk Is on the Air

[bunniefuu]

[computer voice] K-I-S-W.

(radio plug) KISW, 99.9.

[computer voice] K-I-S-W.

Jiggle me timbers.

You... are gorgeous!

[wolf whistle]

And you got a movie opening up on Friday. Mm-hmm.

And, by the way, I saw it last night.

Jiggle me timbers!

That was a long 2 1/2 hours, boy.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Max, you've been sayin' that all morning.

Jiggle me timbers-- Where'd you get that.

Well, maybe it'll be my new catch phrase.

I didn't know I had to clear everything with the Lollipop Guild.

Whoa! Whoa! Careful, boss.

Willie'll b*at the crap out of your kneecaps.

Or higher, even. (Kimberly) You guys...

No. I think it'll catch on.

Jiggle meeeee timbers!!

Whoo! Raw! You're listening to Mad Max In The Morning.

And we're talking with Kimberly Dennaman, whose new movie is opening everywhere on Friday.

(J.J. over radio) And closing everywhere on Saturday!

[laughs] (Kimberly) Oh, that's mean.

Gas leak.

I can smell it.

Yeah, shut off the main valve, but we gotta check inside just to make sure.

All right.

(Max on radio) All right, now, Kimberly, here's the question.

If--if--if I wasn't married...

[beep]

Would you take a bath with me... right now in the back room?

(J.J.) Oh, yeah!

In a little green tub?

[beep]

(Kimberly) Oh, but you are married, so it doesn't matter.

(Max) But haven't you heard?

My wife-- My wife is, uh, very sick.

It's true.

We--It's true. It's true.

We're very worried about her.

(Kimberly) Max, seriously, You shouldn't joke about that.

(Max) It's true. Hello?

(Kimberly) It's bad karma. It's true.

She just told me last night Hello? to start looking for wife number two.

It's her dying wish... Better check upstairs.

Oh, my God.

That's what's-his-name from the radio. [laughs]

(cop) Max Hudson.

A gas leak at Max Hudson's house?

Oh, he's gonna have a field day with this!

Yeah.

(Max over radio) Whoa!

(J.J.) Whooo-whooo!

(Max) Tell me, Kimberly, that you actually believe in the sanctity of marriage.

(Kimberly) I do. [coughing]

(J.J.) Kimberly can't even spell "sanctity."

(gas man) I'll turn the gas off.

(J.J. over the radio) Say sanctity.

(Kimberly) Santity.

(Max) Close enough! [laughter]

Close enough! [whistle blows]

We have a winner!

(Kimberly) You guys are awful.

(Max) It's "santiment."

[whirring over radio]

(radio plug) Trust us.

Hey, Max.

There's a cop on line one.

He says it's important.

Okay, uh...

I'll just take it in the back, all right?

Anybody you know?

No, man.

[quietly] My God, is she all right?

[clears throat]

[more dramatically] Oh, my God...

Is she all right? Oh, my God.

Hello.

Speaking.

My wife...?

Oh, my God, is she all right?

Yes, sir.

I-I understand.

I'll be right there.

[Randy Newman Ragtime theme]

* It's a jungle out there

* Disorder and confusion everywhere *

* No one seems to care

* Well, I do

* Hey, who's in charge here?

* It's a jungle out there

* Poison in the very air we breathe *

* You know what's in the water that you drink? *

* Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing *

* People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time *

* If you paid attention, you'd be worried too *

* You'd better pay attention, or this world we love so much *

* Might just k*ll you

* I could be wrong now

* But I don't think so

* 'Cause it's a jungle out there *

* It's a jungle out there *

You put the blades up?

That is really interesting.

I'm always afraid I'll cut myself.

Yeah, I'm a "blade-down" man.

But that's what makes horse races, am I right?

Doesn't mean we still can't be friends.

Actually, I run them twice.

Blades up and then blades down.

That's fascinating.

Ooh! Is this dishwasher safe?

Let me just--

Yes, it is.

Funny story: I have a casserole dish.

It was a gift from my sister.

Not the sister you met.

The one who used to live in Milwaukee but moved to St. Paul last summer.

Well, not summer, per say. Okay, yeah.

K-Kevin... It doesn't matter.

Anyway, the dish didn't say "dishwasher safe," but, you know what?

I took a chance.

'Cause you only go around once in this life.

That's the best news I've heard all day.

[doorbell rings]

Mmm. I'll finish up.

You get the door. How's that sound?

[dishes crash]

Mr. Monk?

Yeah?

I'm sorry to bother you at home, I read about you on the internet.

And I looked up your address.

I...

I don't know where else to go.

I'm on the internet?

Um, uh...

Uh, thank you.

Thank you.

[blowing]

If you could wait until my assistant gets here.

She's in charge of saying the right things.

(Kevin) Adrian, I'm putting the tablespoons in front and the serving spoons in back.

Any objections?

Kevin, it doesn't matter.

Okay.

My sister, Jeanette, d*ed four weeks ago.

There was a gas fireplace in-- Excuse me.

Actually, I do prefer the serving spoons in the front.

Really? In the front?

Okay, you're the boss.

Sorry.

There was a fireplace...?

There was a gas fireplace in the bedroom.

It was turned on, and she was asphyxiated.

This is a copy of the coroner's inquest.

They said it was an accident. [dishes clatter]

But, Mr. Monk, Jeanette never used that fireplace.

I know he k*lled her.

Who?

Her husband--Max.

Getting a divorce would have cost him $30 million.

I'm sorry. Could I have another?

[sniffles]

Here's the thing.

Uh...

I buy ten boxes at a time, And they have to last me the whole month.

Oh.

Uh, so...okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Thanks.

(Kevin) Okay, I'm pouring the detergent.

You're missing it.

Kevin, please.

Please, I'm trying to talk to--

I'm sorry.

Linda Riggs.

Jeanette Hudson was my sister.

Jeanette Hudson?

Max Hudson's wife?

Yeah, everyone thinks he's so funny.

Jeanette was terrified of him.

You know, he once got arrested for as*ault.

He has a terrible temper.

So you've actually met him? Kevin.

Yes I've met him.

I think he k*lled my sister.

What's he like?

He's a monster!

Kevin.

Forget it.

Withdrawn.

Never said it.

Excuse me. I have dishes to do.

Well, I don't like that guy either.

He's such a bully.

Have you ever heard his show?

I don't think so.

What station is he on?

99.9.

Ahhh...so close.

I just don't see how he could have done it.

Have you looked at this? Mm-mm.

So when Jeanette d*ed, Max was on the radio doing a live show.

And the night before, he's in Los Angeles at a party.

He hasn't been home in two days.

I promised her sister I'd look into it.

I had to.

She was using up all my Kleenex.

Hi.

I don't think he's home.

Did you tell him I was coming?

(Natalie) No, Mr. Monk, That's not for you.

That's a joke.

It's a joke?

How--how is-- How is that funny?

Um, well, I guess it's funny because it says the opposite of what a Welcome Mat would normally say.

So it's an opposite joke.

Yeah, that's right.

He's not home.

I live right there.

I saw him leave about two hours ago.

Okay.

That's a nice dog.

(man) Well, thank you.

That's a nice cat.

(giggling)

Come on. Let's go.

Phew!

That's it.

This is still my sister's home.

I'm going in.

(Linda) This is where she was found.

On the bed.

This morning, I heard him joking about it on his show.

I don't know how somebody can joke about something like that?

I don't know.

Anytime I'm at a restaurant or a store and he's on the radio, I just have to leave.

According to the police, Jeanette turned on the gas, then forgot that it was on and just went to sleep.

Uh-oh.

What?

There's only 39 shoes here.

There's one missing.

(Natalie) Mr. Monk, is that important right now?

It looks like a dark-brown Ramato loafer.

It's about a size 10 1/2 or 11, I guess.

Okay, okay.

That's a 10 1/2. Okay.

So, Mr. Monk, Jeanette was found here.

Okay.

So she turned it... like this?

[hissing]

And then forgot it was on?

No.

[groans]

Eh!

(Natalie) Mr. Monk, are you okay?

Oh! Yeah.

That's gas.

Yeah, I'm--I'm fine. I'm fine.

It's just a little-- a little gas.

(Monk) According to the police report, the flue was-- was--was closed?

Right.

Right.

It's closed.

Look at this. Hmm.

It's just... dried out--

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Dried...

Dried leaves.

Fire would have b*rned them or charred them.

No, no. This thing hasn't been used in months, if ever.

(Linda) That's what I was saying.

It couldn't have been an accident.

(Monk) Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

You have the inventory there? Yes.

Are there any matches or cigarette lighters in the room?

Um...no.

No--no-- no matches anywhere.

That makes no sense.

She d*ed on the 15th?

Yeah, that's right.

Two days before her tenth wedding anniversary.

They always did something special.

Go on a big trip.

Last year they went to Cabo.

Not this year.

Look, July 17th, "Tenth anniversary".

Natalie, Nothing's written.

Nothing planned.

Nothing erased.

He knew she wouldn't be around.

Linda, I think you're right.

I think he k*lled her.

I'm going to be down at the Book Barn on Market Street tomorrow, signing copies of my new book- Sex, Lies, and Radio.

So come on down.

But get there early.

I was at a book signing in Dallas last week.

And, I mean, it was freakin' insane.

It was a riot.

It was on the news and everything.

It's an amazing book.

Like you know. You can't even read!

You didn't read it.

That's true. I'm waiting for the movie.

(J.J.) I read it, boss. Twice. Kiss ass.

All right, Mr. Monk, when you question him, you have to be very careful.

He's very quick.

I'm quick.

No, Mr. Monk. You're not quick.

You have to focus.

He'll try to make fun of you.

Why would he make fun of me?

He doesn't even know me.

Howard Stern, if you're listening-- and I know you are-- you're going down.

[sh**ting noise] Goin' down.

Goin' down. (Max) Would you shut up?

All right, sorry.

(Max) So, uh... let's take some calls.

Bill, from San Diego, you're on the air.

Mr. Monk, Please don't do that.

No. No, no, no.

(man over phone) It was amazing.

It changed my life.

(Max) Uh, yeah, thanks. Micky?

Micky, who the hell is that?

His name is Adrian Monk.

He says you invited him down.

Oh! Yeah. The private d*ck.

(Little Willie) Ouch. Oh.

My sister-in-law hired a private detective.

Can you believe that?

(J.J.) What's he doing to Mr. Limpey?

(Max) Uh, excuse me, Monk?

Monk. [cuckoo cuckoo]

Please, don't.

[bell dings]

Whoa! A little freak's show in our control room.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

(J.J.) A left, a right.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh my God! He k*lled Mr. Limpey!

Monk.

(Max) Get in here!

(J.J.) What is that? He's a maniac.

Do not go in there. Hey, O.J.!

Get in here, buddy.

Come on, Monk.

Hey, Detective, you want to talk to me?

Now's your chance, okay? It's now or never.

Don't be afraid of me. I won't bite ya.

I'm the one that bites!

Rawwrr rawwrr rawwrr!

[dog barking] (Max) Whoa, start.

Come on. That's it.

I'm just gonna talk to him.

I talk to people all the time.

Yeah, yeah. But these aren't people.

Okay, here he comes, eventually. The sleeves.

Look at the sleeves. [Little Willie laughs]

Come on. [Little Willie barks]

Here they come, gingerly.

Oh. Ooh, hello.

Hello, there. Hello.

(Max) Who is this?

This is Natalie. She's my assistant.

(Max) Natalie. Ooh, hello.

Ooh, Natalie.

Ooh, nice.

Ha ha ha.

Do a little twirl, Natalie.

No, thank you. (Max) "No, thank you."

Okay, she's feisty. Ha ha!

She's brassy. She's sassy.

She's got gusto!

Sassy, brassy, but she won't show her assy.

I like it.

Doin' a neck crank.

You can't see it, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, I talked to this guy last night.

He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.

Why don't we talk about that after the show?

You don't get it, sugar bumps.

He is the show!

My life is the show.

Detective, why don't you have a seat, please?

Somebody give him some headphones, please.

There you go, buddy.

Please don't do this. It's okay.

Please, please.

[J.J. chuckles]

Wipe. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe.

Wipe, wipe, wipe.

[Monk on recording] Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe.

Ha ha! [laughing]

(Max) Okay, folks.

Uh, folks, you gotta see this.

First of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs.

And he's swabbing at his headphones with a baby wipe.

This is not a baby wipe.

This is-- This is an adult wipe.

I stand corrected.

You gotta know the difference.

(J.J.) Sorry about that.

Hey, Adrian, let me ask you something.

When you go to a crime scene, do you take a police car or a short yellow bus?

Mr. Monk, you don't have to answer that.

No. I'll be happy to--

I'll be happy to answer that.

Natalie drives me.

(Max) I bet she does.

She's drivin' me, baby.

Who's drivin' Natalie?

I wanna change your tires.

Natalie! [scratches mic]

Ooh! Ow! Ah!

You're hurting me.

Ow! Ooh! This guy is great.

He's--he's possessed.

(J.J.) "Yo! Adrian!"

Yo.

Ha ha! [laughing]

Yehh! What?

Okay, we just lost a third of our audience.

All rightee, then.

So, uh, just for the record, you're here because of my sister-in-law--

"Loony Linda." (Max) That's right.

Loony Linda, who thinks I m*rder*d my wife. Isn't that charming?

So what do you think, Mr. Monk?

Are we on the air?

Yeah, we're on the air, buddy.

It's okay.

I have no secrets from my fans.

Oh, I think you do.

Ooh. Ooh!

Cool, okay.

So you think I m*rder*d my wife, even though I was right here, on the air, live, when she d*ed?

Well, I do have a few questions.

Oh, of course. 'Cause from what I've seen, it seems unlikely that that bedroom fireplace was ever used.

According to the crime scene photos, the fireplace flue was closed, and there were no matches anywhere.

Okay, that's great.

That's very compelling, compelling cross-examination.

Uh, how's this?

Uh...you can ask me three questions, which I will answer right here in front of 4 million witnesses, if Natalie sits on Willie's lap.

(Little Willie) Oh! [J.J. laughs]

Please.

Don't do it, Natalie. It's a trick.

Do it.

Adrian. I thought you'd like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.

Ooh! Wipe! Wipe! (recording) Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe.

Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. Wipe!

Wipe, wipe.

Gimme.

(recording) Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I agree. I should be.

But I'm not. Oh!

(Little Willie) And there we got the view.

She gave us a twirl.

I think he's the guy.

I do too. At least I hope he is.

Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?

According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.

(Natalie) Which is the maximum dosage...

(Monk) And it was Max's suggestion.

He called the doctor personally to get the prescription.

Here's what happened: Max is out of town.

It's a perfect alibi.

He knows his wife is gonna take those pills, so she's out cold--

Something funny?

Uh, no. Sorry.

He knows his wife won't be waking up.

So he has one of his guys--

Randy?

Do you want to share it with the rest of the class?

I'm sorry. I- I heard you on the show.

You really got zung.

Oh, my God, you listen to that creep?

I think he's great...

-ting.

It's grating.

De-grating.

Degrading to women.

Yeah, I keep listening, hoping he'll grow up, but he never does.

Anyway, one of his guys--

g*ons. They're called g*ons.

The Goon Platoon. g*ons.

One of his g*ons-- thank you-- snuck into the house, turns on the gas--

It could have been J.J.

The guy's a joke machine.

He's been with Max for 15 years.

Since Philadelphia.

Whoever it was, turned on the gas, closed the bedroom door.

She never woke up.

All right. How did they get in the house?

Max made an extra key.

It sounds good, but it doesn't track.

This is new.

It's from the security company.

That house is wired.

It's monitored 24-7, sealed tight.

No door or window was opened all night long.

No one--no thing-- came in or out.

What about that window? It says "open".

(Stottlemeyer) That is a ventilation window to the basement.

It only opens 8 inches.

Little Willie!

Who?

Little Willie-- He's a... little person.

He'd do anything for Max.

Last week, he ate his own weight in bologna.

Jiggle me timbers!

I think I just solved the case!

"Jiggle me timbers"?

Yeah, that's something that Ma--

I heard on the radio.

I don't remember who says it.

(Stottlemeyer) I don't know.

I mean, we don't even know if a little person can get through an 8-inch window.

Sure they could.

It's awful small.

Monk, Could a little person fit through an 8-inch window?

I am proud to say I don't know.

(Stottlemeyer) Look, we don't even know where this Little Willie person was the night she d*ed. Wait a minute.

We can settle it right now.

They're all downtown at a book signing.

We go down, we talk to Little Willie.

If we get a chance-- if it happens to come up-- we measure the circumference of his head.

Then divide it by pi.

Or something.

What do you think?

I think we have to check it out.

[belching loudly]

(Disher) See that guy over there?

He's on the show all the time.

They call him "The Burpinator."

Really? The Burpinator is here?

Is he single?

Do you think you could introduce me?

Yeah... Sure, come on.

I was kidding.

You knew that, right-- I was kidding?

Come on, Randy.

Let's get this over with.

William Karelli?

That's me.

Hey. Word with you?

I'm Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.

This is Lieutenant Disher. We're big fans.

Not--not "big" height.

Just I love the show.

We are looking into the death of Jeanette Hudson.

Why? There was an inquest.

It was an accident.

Don't you guys talk to each other?

You're probably right.

There's just a few loose ends that, uh... we want look into.

Um...

Where were you the night she d*ed?

Where was I? I was on the air.

No. I mean before that, the, uh, the night before.

I know Max was in Los Angeles.

But you didn't go with him.

That's true.

I was with my wife and kid.

I got nothing more to say to you guys.

You want to talk, talk to my lawyer.

Hey, I'm not done talkin' to you yet.

Thank you very much. Thank you, man.

I'm a big fan. I just--

Nice to meet you.

(Disher) Tape measure.

(Natalie) Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

It was right here. Hold on. Hold on.

Hurry up! I got it right here.

Hurry. Right here.

You're moving your hands. I'm not.

I don't know what the hell this is, but it isn't police work.

"10 1/2 inches."

What?

He's not the guy.

And we're all going to Hell.

Just...wait here.

Do it again.

[slaps tape measurer, rattling]

(Max) Oh, well, well, well.

The Defective Detective.

[laughing]

You're not gonna like it.

I know. I read a couple of pages.

It's nothing but toilet talk and opposite jokes, right?

[laughing] Uh-huh.

So how would you like me to sign it?

How about "I confess"?

I'll be taking a little break.

Come with me.

You don't think what happened to Jeanette was an accident, do you?

Uh...

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna tell you something.

Just between us, man to...man, I loved Jeanette... but she was sick.

She was clinically depressed.

Depressed?

Yeah.

Her own family didn't even know.

She turned on the gas, and closed the door, and--

su1c1de.

I tried everything. [scoffs]

See? You happy now?

Was she seeing a doctor, a psychiatrist?

Nah. She never went. She wouldn't go.

And she didn't even tell her sister?

And you dealt with this clinical depression by mocking her on the air and not making any plans for your anniversary?

I'm not buying it.

You k*lled her.

How?

Hmm?

How could I possibly have k*lled her?

The house was locked. I was on the radio.

I don't know...yet.

According to your publicist--

No, no. That's it. That's it.

You have any questions for me, you talk to my lawyer.

Unless... you want to come back on the show.

On the show?

I'll talk to you anytime about anything on the air.

What about Monday morning?

[chuckles]

I didn't think so.

Na-Natalie.

Wipe, wipe!

Wipe. Hey!

Here's the Wipe Guy!

Wipe! Wipe!

(all) Wipe! Wipe...

Well, I think our work here is done.

Wipe! Wipe!

Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!

(Natalie) Mr. Monk! [vacuum cleaner]

Mr. Monk!

Mr. Monk, come on.

You have to call the Captain.

I can't hear you.

[unplugs vacuum]

You heard me.

If you think Max Hudson k*lled his wife, then we need to call the Captain.

And tell him what?

I have no proof.

Okay, let me see if I understand.

One: you need proof.

One-A: to get this proof, you need to talk to your suspect.

One-B: your suspect won't talk to you unless you go on his show.

One-C: omitted.

Two--you're afraid to go back on the show because you think he might embarrass you.

No, no.

I'm not afraid.

I'm terrified.

There's a big difference.

You heard what happened.

It was a m*ssacre.

They ripped me apart in there.

I felt like I was back in seventh grade.

Okay, then the next time you go on, you'll know what to expect.

No. It won't help because I can't fight back.

I'm just... not funny.

I'm not funny.

Mr. Monk, that is not true.

Natalie, you've known me for three years.

Have I ever said anything funny?

Yeah--[scoffs]

Um...

Kevin, have I ever said anything funny?

That's a good question.

Okay. Let's see.

I met you in October, 1998.

First week...

No.

You were kind of a Gloomy Gus.

Second week...

No.

Third week...

[laughs]

[laughs] What?

Yes!

[laughs] The-- Wait.

Sorry. No, that wasn't you.

It was Arsenio Hall.

He's hilarious.

It's like a blind spot.

It's like everybody else in the world can speak another language that I can't learn.

Maybe it's genetic.

I don't remember my parents ever laughing.

Okay, Mr. Monk, that is not possible.

Everybody laughs.

You're just blocking it out.

Sit down.

Sit down. I want to show you something.

Sit down.

These... are home movies my brother Ambrose edited together for me.

(Kevin) Oh, what a treat.

Mr. Monk, I love home movies.

They always make me feel better about my own family.

[laughs]

(Kevin) Oh.

[Natalie laughs]

Is that you?

Adorable. Look at you!

That's my Aunt Clara.

(Natalie) Ahem.

(Natalie) Did somebody die?

Christmas morning.

Oh, that's me playing Hide.

You mean Hide-and-Seek?

You still don't get it, do you?

Oh, this--this one is my cousin's birthday party.

And...

There's me.

Got a balloon there.

[Monk sighs]

(Kevin) Huh.

Oh, and... family picnic.

There's Ambrose.

Oh, there's more.

There's-- there's a lot more.

Mr. Monk, that's the saddest movie I've ever seen.

I'm not hugging you.

I'm hugging the little boy in that movie.

I am so sorry.

Enh.

[knocking]

[knocking]

Kevin. what time is it?

Did I ever tell you about my uncle?

No.

Sy Dorfman?

The comedian?

Sy Dorfman?

Uh...

You've heard of Milton Berle, right?

Uncle Miltie?

Uh, yeah.

Well, they were contemporaries!

Worked a lot of the same venues, had a lot of friends in common.

Take a seat.

Come on.

When I think about all the great Milton Berle stories they would tell Uncle Sy and then he would relay to me.

And when he d*ed... he left me this.

It's his joke file.

Professional jokes?

Field-tested.

Guaranteed.

You want to go back on the Max Hudson show, right?

Well, here's your chance to give him a taste of the medicine that he prescribes.

"For the first year of my marriage, I thought the only flavor was charcoal."

[snickers]

Uh...uh.

Yeah, 'cause she was a bad cook.

She burnt everything.

You see?

That's good.

Oh, wow.

That's...powerful.

Are they all that good?

Well, he performed a lot of them at my Bar Mitzvah.

And he k*lled.

[laughs]

Oh, thank you, Kevin.

Wow.

All right, let's see.

I'll...

I'll take some "Mother-In-Laws."

Splendid.

Oh, "Hippy jokes."

I bet those are good.

Those are good.

And what are these red ones?

Those are his dirty jokes.

He only used those when he was in real trouble.

I'll just take one of those, okay?

Take it.

I think I'm going to change that to "B.M."

Yeah, that still-- still works.

Hey, Max, guess who's back.

The psycho wipey detective.

(J.J.) Monk?

Spunky Monkey is here?

I didn't think he had the nerve, the way he skedaddled outta here last time.

Is the blonde with him?

Natalie, I love you. [moaning]

That's disgusting.

Hey, well, let's bring him on inside here.

Let's hear what's on his so-called mind.

Mr. Monk, maybe we should wait for the Captain.

No, no, no, no.

Look.

[flicks card]

What are those?

Those are golden b*ll*ts.

What are you talking about?

What are those cards? What are you doing?

Don't worry.

It's in the bag.

He's scared.

Look at the sleeve. Look at the sleeve.

Whup!

And the sleeve. [applauds]

Yay.

Hi, Max, J.J., Willie.

Did you guys miss me?

(Monk on recording) Wipe. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe.

Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. [all laughing]

Well, well, well. Look who's back.

Surprised? [Twilight Zone theme]

More like annoyed, actually.

For those of you who missed it last week, Adrian Monk is a private detective who was hired by my ex-sister-in law [Dragnet theme] who's delusional 'cause she thinks I k*lled my...

[woman screams] my wife. Mmm. [g*nsh*t]

So what can we do for you today, Mr. Mo-o-onk?

Well, ahem, for three weeks before Jeanette d*ed, you left the house at 2:00 every afternoon.

Yes. According to her sister, you said you were going to the gym.

That's right. Well, I went to your gym.

And they said that you haven't been there in six months.

So my first question is: what were you doing at 2:00 every day?

Well, uh, that's really none of your business, but, uh, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

It's no secret Jeanette and I had an understanding.

We had what some people would call an "open marriage".

In my house it's called, "The Impossible Dream."

So you're absolutely right.

I did not go to the gym.

I was getting a different kind of workout.

(J.J.) Yeah, baby! [ding]

B-b-b-b-b-wah! (J.J.) Hey!

And for those of you keeping score at home, that's Max one, Monk nothing. [bell dings]

You wanna play?

Okay.

Let's--Let's play.

Oh...here we go!

[cuckoo cuckoo]

You know, Max.

You look like you're out of shape.

When you go to a restaurant, you don't use a fork.

You use a harpoon.

(Max) Uh...

What?

You heard me.

When you took your dog to the dog show, you won first prize, not your dog.

[crickets chirp]

Yeah, that's, uh... that's not funny.

[wolf howls]

Yes, it is.

No. No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

You know who you remind me of?

The hippie who came home and gave his dog fleas.

"Hippie?" What year is this?

[chuckling]

Actually, you remind me of several different hippies.

Like the hippie who moved into a new apartment and it was six months before he realized there was no hot water.

[crickets chirping]

I'm sorry, but you had that coming.

Yeah, um...

Adrian, uh, are you telling jokes, buddy?

Max, you've got a caller.

Thank God.

(Kevin over phone) Hello, Mr. Hudson.

Long-time listener, first-time caller.

I love the show. Thank you.

I can't believe I got through.

Listen, I just got back from Los Angeles and the smog was terrible.

I was wondering if anyone there has any thoughts on the subject.

Max, I'll take this one.

I know what he means.

The smog was so bad, one time I sh*t an arrow into the air, and it stuck.

[snickering]

In the a--air.

In the air, the arrow just-- just stuck.

From the smog.

[dunking, farting ]

Yeah. Yeah, J.J., that sound-effect is about as funny as my wife's cooking.

Do you know what she made every night?

A noose?

[J.J. and Little Willie laugh]

No. No, not a noose.

Leftovers.

Why would she make a noose? Yeah, seriously, though.

Are--are you married?

Because that's a woman I would love to meet.

[laughter]

I was married.

Her name was Trudy.

She d*ed.

She was m*rder*d.

It was a car b*mb.

Aw, man, that sucks.

May she rest in peace.

Well... rest in pieces.

I mean, at least my wife was buried in a coffin.

What was Trudy buried in, a bunch of little snack bags?

Oh, God. Let me in there!

Open the door!

Whoa, whoa. Max, take it easy. No, no, seriously.

You should have called me in.

I could've helped you with the case.

I'm great with jigsaw puzzles.

Are you joking about Trudy?

(Max with girly voice) "Adrian, I'm wanna use the car now.

Go for a drive. What's this button do?"

Ka-booom!

I bet you needed a whole buncha wipes that day, huh?

By the way, you know the last thing that went through your wife's mind-- the steering wheel.

Aah!

(Natalie) Mr. Monk!

Mr. Monk!

Mr. Monk!

Let go of him!

Thanks for stopping by, Adrian.

Come by anytime.

Be right back.

(Monk) Did you hear him?

Did you hear what he said about Trudy?

(Disher) Yeah, we were in the car. We had to pull over.

I couldn't even drive.

That wasn't funny, was it?

No, Mr. Monk. It was unspeakable.

Here's what I was thinking:

Number one, sounded like you got a couple good sh*ts in.

I was proud of you.

And two, he sounded scared.

Scared and guilty.

He is guilty.

25 years to life. That's the best revenge.

So let's just take a deep breath.

Let's focus.

And let's figure out how he did this.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, he was on...on the radio.

Doing his show and the house was locked.

Locked and bolted from the inside.

The little window in the back was open but only eight inches.

Not big enough for a little person. which has already been established scientifically.

[dog barking]

[dog continues to bark]

(man) Ooh, yeah, you got it!

Ooh, here he comes. Here he comes.

Oh, he's got it.

Is that...a loafer?

Yeah, I think so.

(Monk) A brown, Ramato loafer, size 10 1/2.

How do you know that?

Oh, uh, hello again.

Uh, he's not bothering you, is her?

No, no, no. Just curious...

Where did he get that shoe?

Oh, hell.

It's not yours, is it?

I am so sorry.

He has a thing for shoes.

I don't know where he got this shoe.

He, uh, just had it when I got back from our vacation.

You were on vacation?

Hawaii. We go every July.

Who was watching the dog?

Oh, you're not gonna believe it.

I still can't believe it.

Max Hudson.

He just volunteered.

I mean, you think a guy like that would have better things to do.

What, uh...?

What's going on?

Well, I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself.

He's upstairs.

After you.

[scoffs] Linda. Uh-huh.

Uh, I don't know the legal definition of harassment, but, uh, this is pretty close.

(Stottlemeyer) Mr. Hudson, that's a search warrant.

You've been duly served.

Uh, sure, okay. Knock yourself out.

You'll just embarrass yourselves again.

It's over, Max.

We know how you did it.

We know what you were doing everyday at 2:00.

You were next door That's right. I was.

I was house-sitting. I was watering their plants.

Nah, you were training their dog.

(Stottlemeyer) We replayed a tape of the show you made the morning your wife d*ed.

That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase:

"Jangle my tenders."

[whispers] "Jiggle me timbers," sir.

"Jiggle me timbers."

You never said it before that day. or since.

I'm a big fan.

Well, I was.

Unless you're not guilty.

In which case, we're all really sorry. about all of this.

Although, I'm pretty sure you're guilty.

[whispers] But, if you're not, I'm sorry.

This is insane.

(Stottlemeyer) Well, it's easy enough to prove.

Let's do it.

[recording of Max] ...came out on Friday I saw it last night.

Jiggle me timbers!

That was a long 2 1/2 hours, boy.

(Little Willie) What is that "Jiggle me timbers?"

You've been saying that all morning.

(Monk) The new catchphrase. That was your command.

That dog was your accomplice.

You worked with him everyday for a month.

You trained him to m*rder your wife.

That morning, you could have been a hundred miles away.

You left his cage open and a radio on.

All you had to do was go on the air and give the command.

You knew Jeanette would be fast asleep.

You knew she'd never wake up.

(Natalie) Oh, here he comes.

(Stottlemeyer) You made one big mistake.

Your partner, your accomplice.

He's got a thing for shoes.

He stole one of yours and brought it home.

So is he under arrest?

Yes, he is.

Thank you, Mr. Monk.

Thank you. Hmm.

(Disher) You heard the lady, Max.

You're under arrest.

Gimme your hands.

You're not laughing now.

Are you?

Are you?

No.

I'm not laughing.

Join the club.

Let's go.

(Monk) Oh, here we go.

(Trudy) Mmm, that looks good!

[laughter]

(wedding guests) Aww.

[applause]

Ooh!

[laughter]

You are so silly.

All right, you ready?

(Monk) Okay, don't forget, I have the Kn*fe.

(Trudy) I know [laughs].

You think that's funny?

Whoo!

[Monk and Trudy laughing]

I love how you laugh.

Mwah!

(wedding guests) Aww.

(Trudy) Mwah!

[Monk giggling]