06x10 - Mr. Monk and the Man Who sh*t Santa Claus

[bunniefuu]

[O Christmas tree jazzy instrumental]

♪

[Car horns honking]

This is terrible.

This is like a traffic jam.

That's true, Mr. Monk, it is very similar to a traffic jam.

Ah! I'll never make it!

Dr. Kroger charges me for the sessions I miss!

Well, you can blame it on me.

I do that anyway.

Hey, that's the MacMillan museum.

I was just there on a field trip.

[Monk groans]

Then the next session, all we're gonna talk about is how much I resent being charged for the last session!

It'll take me five sessions to recover.

You guys should definitely check it out.

They have this big diamond from Egypt.

Julie...

It's called the star of Bethlehem.

It's, like... Julie!

Your mom and I are very upset.

W-w-w-w-w-we can't talk right now.

Ugh, I hate Christmas.

How can you not like Christmas?

Yeah, well you wouldn't like it either if you hated it as much as I do.

But it's so joyful.

Don't... get me started on joy.

When you're older you'll understand.

Joy is a trick.

A diversion.

It doesn't last forever.

It breaks your heart every time.

[Horn honks]

Damn joy!

Okay, we really gotta get you to Dr. Kroger's.

[Horn honks]

What is that?

What is going on?

You better call it in.

Call what in?

(Santa) Ho ho ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas!

[People chattering excitedly]

Ho ho ho ho!

(Natalie) Oh, it's Santa claus!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

(Monk) What the hell is he doing?

I think it's great. Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Julie, you can't keep that.

Give me that... that's evidence.

For what?

He's breaking the law, Natalie.

He's creating a nuisance.

A public nuisance, which is the worst kind of nuisance there is.

What, what are you doing?

I'm going up there.

(Santa) Merry Christmas!

Is he okay?

Trudy d*ed ten years ago this week.

It's been really tough.

I mean tougher than usual.

Who wants this?

Who wants a Teddy bear?

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Ho ho ho!

Hey!

Are you on dr*gs?

Hey, it's all right.

Just spreading a little Christmas cheer, that's all.

Merry Christmas!

(Man) I wasn't naughty!

I wasn't naughty!

[People chattering gleefully]

Hey! Excuse me!

Mr. Kringle!

There are city ordinances against this kind of thing.

Littering, trespassing...

[Crowd chattering excitedly]

[g*nshots] Oh, god!

Mr. Monk!

(Natalie) Mr. Monk!

What did you do?

You sh*t Santa claus.

[Santa groaning]

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care

♪ well, I do

♪ hey, who's in charge here?

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ Do you know what's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention, you'd be worried too ♪

♪ You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just k*ll you

♪ I could be wrong now

♪ but I don't think so

♪ 'cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

[Street noise]

[Distant siren wailing]

You okay?

Ah, I don't know.

It's been a long time since I pulled a trigger.

Yeah, I know, it's the worst.

How's he doing?

He took one in the shoulder.

He's gonna make it.

That's good, I guess.

We were in the car and he was talking about how much he hated Christmas and how he didn't like joy.

Joy?

Yeah, and then he saw Santa claus and he got really, really mad and he...

Sweetie, why don't you go wait in the car and I'll be right there?

Natalie, we're gonna have to talk to her.

Not today you don't.

(Monk) I... i didn't have a choice.

He was coming at me.

(Stottlemeyer) Whoa whoa whoa, monk... don't say anything.

I don't want to hear it.

I'm calling for your good friend garret price.

He'll be here in a minute.

Garret price?

You think I need a lawyer?

(Man) Oh, my god! Santa claus!

We love you, Santa!

[Cheers and applause]

That's him. That's the guy!

Why... why did you do it?

[Crowd shouting angrily]

Just trying to spread a little joy, a little Christmas cheer.

This guy's nuts!

You're nuts!

[Crowd booing and jeering]

Yeah, I think you might need a lawyer.

Wipes.

No, you can't wipe your hands.

We need to check 'em for g*nsh*t residue.

Oh, yeah, i... I understand.

You know the drill.

What did I just say?

You can't wipe your hands.

Okay, yeah, fine.

All right, I'm sorry. I understand.

[Tires screech]

Where's Santa claus?

There he is.

Jerry, get a sh*t of the fat man.

Make sure you get the blood.

The more blood, the better.

(Stottlemeyer) Oh, hell.

It's Brandy barber.

Who's that?

She's a vampire with a press pass.

Just stay away from her.

Do not talk to her.

Don't even nod.

Get him out of here.

Now get the kids.

Make sure they're crying.

They're not crying.

[Sighs]

I am sorry about Santa claus.

I'm sorry he got sh*t.

I hope he's okay.

I hope... He doesn't die.

You're gonna make a wonderful mom.

Just get the sh*t.

Captain, nice to see you again.

Gee, I wish I could say the same thing.

That the sh**t?

[Crowd shouting and jeering]

My god, it's Adrian monk.

Not gonna happen.

He is off limits.

I just want to hear his side of it.

Adrian monk just sh*t Santa claus.

People are gonna want to know why.

And they will.

Just not today.

(Woman) He's a criminal! m*rder*r!

Look, can you give the guy a break?

He wore a badge for 14 years.

I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Captain, that hurts my feelings.

Look, I'm a journalist. I'm a professional.

I'm not here to rip anybody apart.

[Male TV announcer] Tonight, crazy cop caps kris kringle.

Brandy barber reporting.

This city has seen its share of shocking crimes.

But for the children of San Francisco, what happened this morning on that rooftop was the crime of the century.

The victim, Michael kenworthy, a doting grandfather, a retired parole officer.

His neighbors call him the nicest man they ever met.

The facts are these:

Mr. Kenworthy, in the spirit of Christmas, bought some toys to give away to the neighborhood children.

He was on that roof tossing candy canes and stuffed animals down to the street, when this man, Adrian monk, a disgruntled former homicide detective, who was kicked off the force on a psychiatric discharge, ran up to the roof and sh*t Mr. Kenworthy for no apparent reason.

I'm the grinch.

That's what they're calling me.

The whole city hates me.

I think we're going to be okay.

I've been thinking about this.

It's San Francisco.

It's a godless town. Everybody knows that.

That's why they visit.

Hippies and heathens despise Christmas.

All we need is a couple of witches on the jury, we're home free.

That's your strategy?

That's just the beginning.

(Stottlemeyer) How's it going, Randy?

Almost done.

We recovered these on the street and these were from the toy bag.

We've got 24 dolls, one rubber snake, five frisbees, one walkie talkie, and 37 stuffed animals.

I don't know whether to count the bunny or not...

It's got blood all over it.

Oh, blood on the bunny.

That's not good.

Most heathens love bunnies.

I'll have to find one that doesn't.

Okay, finish it later.

All right, pal, it's the moment of truth.

Have a seat.

It is December 19th, 3:45 pm.

I am interviewing Adrian monk.

Garret price for Mr. Monk and I have 3:46 pm.

[Silently] Go.

What happened on the roof?

When I got up there, that guy...

Santa claus.

Mr. Kenworthy.

Kenworthy... he was standing near the edge.

He was throwing the toys off the roof.

Ho ho!

(Monk) I asked him to stop.

He told me to leave him alone.

He said my head was made of b.M.

Right. Go on.

As I was about to leave, a g*n fell out of his belt.

I asked him about it.

Did he have a permit? He went nuts.

[Santa grunts]

(Monk) He picked up a pipe.

Ah!

(Monk) I told him to stop...

Don't... don't try it!

Don't try it!

(Monk) He just kept coming.

How many sh*ts?

Two.

And is this the g*n?

You're sure?

I remember the broken handle.

Mr. Kenworthy said it's not his g*n.

(Disher) He said that you went nuts and that you started yelling, cursing.

Then you pulled out this g*n.

You started sh**ting.

Can you explain that?

Yes, I can. He's lying we got your prints off the w*apon, monk, not his.

He was wearing gloves.

Santa claus gloves.

[Clears throat]

If I may, what about the b*mb?

What b*mb?

You remember.

You told me there was a b*mb.

That Mr. Kenworthy had a b*mb.

He had a b*mb.

He didn't have a b*mb.

[Cough-speaking] Go along with it.

He was waving something around.

You thought it was a b*mb.

It looked like a b*mb.

He thought it was a b*mb.

That's why you sh*t him!

He's a hero. You're a hero.

Yeah, there was no b*mb.

There was a b*mb.

[Whispers] There was no b*mb.

Why are you protecting him?

May I speak with my client for a moment?

By all means.

[Whispers] All right, first you don't like hippies.

Now you don't like bombs.

Juries love bombs. Just try it out.

Just see how it feels.

(Monk) It was a g*n.

(Price) Everybody today likes bombs.

No jury will acquit you if there's a b*mb.

Pending further investigation, we are not certain there was a b*mb but we're pretty sure.

What?

I'm gonna talk to your client.

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.

But I understand that it's procedure.

Monk, I just spoke to Natalie.

I know you've been under a lot of stress.

Leland...

I know... It's been ten years.

It's the anniversary of Trudy.

And we both know that you black out sometimes.

But I did not black out.

Look, I have to be sure here.

Do you understand my position here?

It's your word against Santa claus.

Leland, it was his g*n.

It was self defense.

I'll speak to you later today.

Think about the b*mb.

Tomorrow I want to go to nursery schools, kindergartens, and talk to some kids.

"What do you think, Timmy?

Will Christmas ever be the same?"

[Laughs]

Oh, maybe they're having nightmares.

Wouldn't that be great?

I thought we were doing that museum piece.

That diamond from Egypt.

Egh, we can do the museum anytime, Jerry.

This is the story.

Cop sh**t Santa claus.

I feel like I won the damn lottery.

Brandy, line two.

I'm not here.

He said it's about that cop, Adrian monk.

[Sighs]

Brandy barber.

(Man on phone) How you doing?

I saw your story tonight on the news.

Great, thanks for watching.

Anyway, I thought you might be interested.

I live near that crazy cop monk, the one that sh*t Santa.

Terrible thing.

I don't know what the world's coming to.

Yes, sir. It's a real shame.

What can I do for you?

I just saw him... monk.

He was in the yard behind our building.

I could tell he was nervous.

He was pacing around.

He had a shovel.

Shovel?

(Barber) Shh, that's monk's building.

The guy said at the blue doorway go 20 feet to the right.

In front of the bench.

Fresh dirt.

Shh. Dig.

(Barber) Dig.

(Jerry) It's a piece of a g*n handle?

No, it's not.

It's the piece of the g*n handle.

We got him.

Please don't put your fingerprints on the tape.

That's...

That piece of tape has your fingerprint on it.

Don't touch the sticky part.

Here we go, 16" collar, 33" long.

For your boyfriend?

Oh, no, my boss.

Oh, do you have any "inspected by number 8"?

We're kidding, right?

No, we're not.

I wish we were.

No... no, the tape...

Now that tape... that tape...

I know.

I know.

The tape has to be even.

Right, but the snowflakes on the back.

They have to line up.

Yes, sir. I know.

Do you... Wanna wrap it yourself?

No, no, no, no.

You do it. You're doing fine.

You're doing a great job, except for the other side.

(Girl) It's the man who sh*t Santa claus.

He's right over there.

[Whispers] He sh*t Santa claus.

[Crowd muttering quietly]

(Monk) Now that piece of tape has your fingerprint on it.

(Saleswoman) I know.

Tape has to be even.

(Monk) Don't touch the sticky part.

(Natalie) It's okay... okay... I'm in a hurry, thanks

(monk) The left side of the bow... you're not...

Okay, we're going. We're going.

We're almost done here.

Well, now the bow's completely lopsided.

Yeah, the bow's perfect. We gotta go.

Well i... yeah, but...

[gasps]

Hello.

[Disapproving murmurs]

Why'd you do it, mister?

Why'd you sh**t Santa claus?

Oh, no-no-no, sweetie.

It wasn't like that.

Uh...

The grand jury is about to convene.

You know what a grand jury is?

(Natalie) Oh, sweetie, here.

He doesn't know. I got a tissue.

Why don't you just go home?

You're upsetting the children.

[Whispers] Merry Christmas.

[Regular voice] Merry Christmas, lad.

(Natalie) Excuse us.

(Monk) Thank you.

Excuse me again.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Thank... thank you all.

[Woman gasps]

I'm sorry. I'm...

Okay, merry...

(woman) You're a monster!

You're ruining Christmas for everybody!

He was... he was like that, I swear.

[Woman gasps]

Mr. Monk, we gotta keep moving.

They think I'm a monster.

Did you see their faces? They hate me.

No, Mr. Monk, they don't hate you.

Not really.

[Crowd angrily chattering]

That's definitely the guy.

Let's keep walking.

I think one of 'em had a rope.

I can't live like this.

The trial could be a year away.

I have to tell them my side of the story.

No-no-no, Mr. Monk.

I've heard your side of the story and I love you and I don't think it's a good idea.

This is just a p.R. Problem.

When your dad sold that tainted toothpaste from China, what did he do?

He... he went on the news and he told his side of the story.

He took the offensive.

I can be as offensive as your father.

I'm sure you can.

You know, that woman Brandy barber, she's... she's been calling me.

She wants me to do her show.

I think I'm gonna do it.

No-no-no, Mr. Monk.

I've seen her show.

She's not a real journalist.

She'll rip you apart!

Natalie.

You're forgetting one thing:

The truth.

See, I have the truth on my side.

Oh, my god.

Merry Christmas.

You gotta unbutton the shirt.

No, uh, I'm good.

I'll just hold it.

Like Sinatra.

You gotta unbutton the shirt.

No, really.

I'm... I'm really not comfortable unbuttoning.

Brandy!

Okay, all right, all right.

Look, it's unbuttoned, all right?

Hi, excuse me, sorry.

I've known Mr. Monk for a long time, and he really loves Christmas.

It's his favorite holiday.

Uh-huh.

You know, he comes to our school Christmas pageant every single year and he decorates our tree.

He does.

And here's the thing.

He's just a little bit particular, just about certain things, so...

Yeah, he's, um... Special.

In a good way. Yeah.

Good special. Yeah.

So if you would mind just being like a little bit...

Little bit sensitive, that would be great.

Don't worry, Ms. Teeger.

I know all about attention deficit disorder.

I did a primetime special on it.

Won a local Emmy.

It's not a.D.D.

It's not attention deficit...

No, he just has compulsions. Yeah.

You know, rituals.

He's a big boy.

Jerry, let's do this.

(Jerry) We're rolling in five, four, three...

(Barber) Adrian monk, hello.

Hello and merry Christmas.

Thank you for inviting us into your beautiful home.

You're welcome.

Merry Christmas.

You've already said that.

Well, you... You can't say it enough.

This is my favorite holiday.

[Silently] The tree.

Yeah, this is my tree.

Hmm.

It's quite festive because that's how I feel.

[Silently] Presents.

About Christmas.

[Silently] No, the presents.

Some gifts... For Christmas.

Christmas gifts.

Yes, we were looking at those earlier.

They're all from your assistant, Natalie teeger.

Well, no, not... not this one.

Uh, this is from my wife.

That would be Trudy.

She d*ed ten years ago, didn't she?

And you still haven't opened it.

That's very unusual behavior, wouldn't you say?

Uh, would you like some cookies?

Oh, yeah, so...

Would you like some?

We made some cookies this morning.

Festive Christmas cookies.

No, thank you.

You received a psychological discharge from the police department, didn't you?

Yes. Yes.

Mr. Monk, how does it feel to be the most reviled man in California?

Bad.

Have you seen these?

I...

I don't think "santacide" is a word.

[Silently] It's not.

Oh, it is now, thanks to you.

We've all heard Mr. Kenworthy's side of the story.

He rented a Santa costume and was on that roof trying to give toys away in the true spirit of Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

You can stop saying that now.

Mr. Kenworthy said you went up to that roof and just started sh**ting.

That's not what happened.

Hmm, why don't you tell us your side of the story?

Thank you.

Well, first off, I want to say to any children watching I did not sh**t Santa claus.

That man was not Santa claus.

There's no such thing as Santa claus.

Oh, no, that can't be good.

You knew that, right?

(Monk) Here's the thing.

That was not my g*n.

That was his g*n.

He dropped it.

Then he att*cked me.

Is this the g*n you're referring to?

Where did... Where did you get that?

I'm a reporter, Mr. Monk.

I have my sources.

It's a rather distinctive w*apon, isn't it?

A snub-nose .38 with an antique ivory handle.

As you can see, part of the handle is missing.

Yes, it's broken.

Which brings me to my final question.

We received an anonymous phone call from one of your neighbors.

Which one?

He didn't say.

It was anonymous.

He did say he saw you burying something behind your building last night.

Burying something?

My producer and I came by and dug it up.

I have it right here.

We wanted to show it to you before we turn it over to the authorities.

Do you recognize it?

Huh.

It's a perfect fit.

Do you still say it wasn't your g*n?

[Knock on door]

Mr. Kenworthy.

It's Leland stottlemeyer.

Randy disher.

We spoke at the hospital.

Yes, of course.

Come in. Thank you.

We thought you might want these back.

So this is the north pole, huh?

It's not exactly like I pictured it.

It's not the Taj Mahal, but it's all I need.

Oh, uh, everything's there.

Except for one rubber snake.

It's for my nephew.

I didn't think you'd mind.

He doesn't have a nephew.

I have a nephew. He doesn't have a nephew.

Benjamin. His name's Benjamin.

He's nine years old.

See.

How's the wing?

Oh, I'll live.

Guess it could've been worse, huh?

Yep.

I see you're still in touch with some of your old parolees.

Thought you retired.

Well, I call 'em when I can.

They're good guys.

Yeah, I know some of these good guys.

Burglary, Grand Theft Auto...

Attempted m*rder.

I help 'em out when I can.

What can I say?

Everybody deserves a second chance, right?

What?

What were you doing up there, Michael, on that roof?

Givin' away some toys.

What can I say? I love Christmas!

Come on, buddy.

There's nobody here.

It's just you and me.

And me.

And him.

Is that why you're here?

To accuse me of something?

Why don't you take a hike?

Both of you!

That g*n was found in your friend's back yard, not mine.

Yeah, that may be true.

But here's the problem, kris kringle.

Either you're lying or Adrian monk is lying.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

[Gasps]

Oh! [Grunts]

Ah!

[Man groaning]

Oh, thank god! That man has a Kn*fe!

Yeah, I know.

Ah!

Clang!

[Siren wailing]

[Police radio chatter]

(Stottlemeyer) Well, apparently she did not go gentle into that good night.

We found this can of pepper spray under her body.

Witnesses?

Couple of neighbors said they heard some screaming.

One said she heard a clanging sound.

Clanging?

Hey, that's the guy! That's Adrian monk!

[Crowd jeering and booing]

(Man) Crawl back under your rock!

It's all right. Just ignore them.

Just pretend like they're not there.

Hey, monk, how many reindeer you k*ll today?

[Crowd booing]

Okay, her name is Alice Dubois.

She's 64, retired teacher, she lived here in apartment b17 with a beagle and some house plants.

She worked part time in the MacMillan museum in the gift shop.

Hey! Hey, gimme a break!

I didn't sh**t anyone!

(Stottlemeyer) Randy.

Randy, what are you doing?

They're lumping us all together.

(Stottlemeyer) So what do you think?

Wrong place, wrong time?

I don't think so.

No, he was waiting.

Waiting for her.

These cigarette butts...

He was camped out here for probably 48 minutes.

48 minutes?

Yeah, look.

The ends are all smooshed in.

I only see one match.

He was chain-smoking.

Eight cigarettes.

Figure six minutes per cigarette.

48 minutes.

Yeah.

How do you live with yourself, monster!

Oh!

Hey!

Hey, who threw that?

Who threw that egg?

Oh, my god!

It's okay. I'm all right.

I got it right here on my sleeve.

(Stottlemeyer) Who threw the egg?

And right here. Yeah.

And here.

And then I got some here.

Is that gonna come out?

Is that gonna come out!

Is that gonna come out.

Who would bring an egg to a crime scene?

You two wait across the street.

Wait across the street.

(Stottlemeyer) Cover them, protect 'em.

[Crowd shouting and jeering]

(Natalie, muttering) God.

Hey, those are my wipes.

You can use them if you want to.

What?

Brian. Mr. M?

Do you have a cause of death?

It's unofficial.

It looks like blunt trauma.

Eight, maybe nine hits.

From what?

You tell me.

Something sharp and heavy.

Curved edge. Weird, huh?

Maybe a frying pan?

Or a bell. A bell?

What is it?

She was hit on the right side.

So that means the attacker was left-handed, right?

Or his right arm was in a sling.

A sling.

Look, there's candy canes on the ground.

There's three impressions like from a tripod.

One of those charity collection pots.

Mr. Monk, what are you saying?

I think I know who did this.

Who?

Santa claus.

Who? Santa claus!

No, not again!

No! No! No! No!

No, Mr. Monk, please no.

All right, ladies. Let's do it again.

From the top.

(Man #1) How's the arm?

We'll find a doctor when we get to Ecuador.

Yeah, well we were supposed to be in Ecuador four days ago, sippin' margaritas on the beach.

We caught a bad break, a minor setback.

(Man #2) I thought that was your job, Mr. Mastermind:

To anticipate minor setbacks.

Well how was he supposed to know that cop Adrian monk was gonna be there?

Would you forget about monk?

It was a fluke.

But the plan is solid.

Thorn and me took care of the old lady.

Yeah, she won't be coming to work tomorrow.

She had a death in the family.

[All chuckle]

Carl, did you call your boss at the museum?

No problem.

I'll be working the gift shop 2:00 to 6:00.

That's it then; We go tomorrow.

Closing time, 6:00.

Okay, I made a list.

Did you check it twice?

[Laughing]

Adrian, you've got to stop blaming yourself.

What happened on that roof is not your fault.

If the man att*cked you, then it's self defense.

Nobody believes me.

My word against Santa claus.

But you think it was the same man, this Mr. Kenworthy, who k*lled the woman in pacific heights last night.

But you haven't told the authorities.

Um, uh, I will.

I... i will.

Soon as I'm sure.

Are those toys?

Oh, yeah, I've been seeing a lot of children this week ever since...

Ever since I went on television and said there is no Santa claus.

How are they doing, the kids?

The kids are fine.

Children are very resilient, Adrian.

Although I might ask you to leave by the side door today.

I understand.

They hate me. Everybody hates me.

I thought I was alone before.

I didn't know what alone meant.

This is alone!

Now I get it.

Well, where's Natalie?

She's at Randy disher's Christmas party with everybody else.

You weren't invited?

I was invited.

I just... Don't want to see anyone.

Adrian, I know how difficult this is for you.

I was worried about you even...

Even before all this happened.

I know it's ten years since Trudy.

Oh, Trudy.

Trudy loved Christmas.

Yeah, you mentioned that.

Every Christmas morning, she'd set the alarm.

We'd go outside and watch the sun come up.

Trudy used to say...

Christmas made the whole world seem softer.

Softer. I like that.

What about before Trudy?

What was Christmas like when you were growing up?

Dark, desperate.

The pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.

Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.

Pick a year.

Uh...

1964.

'64, good choice.

1964, mom was sick.

Dad was... dad was dad.

Ambrose locked himself in the basement.

He's no fool.

Christmas morning, I got one gift.

A walkie talkie.

Oh, well those can be fun.

I had a pair of those.

Not a... not a pair.

Dad said I only needed one because I didn't have any friends.

Oh.

Just one... Walkie...

One walkie talkie.

What?

I think I know why kenworthy was on that roof.

I have to go.

I have to call Natalie.

I'll... I'll see you Tuesday morning.

Merry Christmas!

Adrian, no... not... not that...

Door.

(Man) Mommy, it's him.

It's the bad man. He k*lled Santa claus!

(Natalie) I don't get it.

What does this all have to do with a pair of walkie talkies?

Not a pair.

Not a pair... one walkie talkie.

See, that's the key.

I remember when disher was going through that big toy bag.

(Monk) There was one walkie talkie, but it wasn't one of the toys.

Kenworthy was using it!

He was talking to somebody!

So he was a lookout?

No, no, not a lookout.

He was dressed like Santa and throwing stuff off the roof.

A lookout is usually a little more discrete.

Well, what, then?

He was a diversion.

He was stopping traffic.

He was blocking that intersection down there so the cops couldn't get through.

Look.

(Natalie) Oh, my god, the MacMillan museum!

It's three blocks away.

They were robbing it, or at least they were about to.

The star of Bethlehem.

But I didn't hear about any robbery.

That's because there wasn't a robbery.

I interrupted them, so they called it off.

But I think they're gonna try it again.

How do you know?

Alice Dubois, the woman who was k*lled.

She worked at that museum, remember?

[Cars honking]

(Natalie) Oh, it's just a truck.

Somebody must've broken down.

Oh, my god.

Mr. Monk, he's using a walkie talkie!

Call the captain.

They're trying it again.

(Jerry) We're rolling in five, four, three...

This is Brandy barber at the MacMillan museum.

There's still time to see the star of Bethlehem, the second largest diamond in the known world.

But you better hurry.

It'll be leaving San Francisco tomorrow night and heading back to its permanent home in Cairo, Egypt.

Many consider the stone a holy relic because it was discovered 120 years ago on Christmas morning.

(Jerry) That's great.

We got it.

[Horns honking]

Thank you.

[Alarm beeps]

Merry Christmas!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Oh ho ho ho!

That's him. That's the bad Santa.

Merry Christmas!

He's got the diamond.

(Monk) Call the captain! Call him back.

Tell him to stop the orange truck.

(Natalie) Where... where are you going?

(Monk) I'm going after Santa.

(Natalie) No, no... not again!

Wait, Mr. Monk! Are you sure?

I mean 100,000% sure?

It's hard on me too!

Come on, Jerry!

(Monk) Stop him!

Stop him! Stop that Santa claus!

It's monk.

That guy has a lot of issues with Christmas.

[Children singing] ♪ the first Noel

♪ the angels did say

♪ was to certain poor Shepherds ♪

♪ In fields as they lay

♪ in fields where they

♪ lay keeping their sheep

♪ on a cold winter's night

(monk) Stop him!

♪ That was so deep...

(Monk) Stop him! Stop him!

He's not Santa claus!

(Woman) Well, of course he isn't.

How old are you?

♪ Noel, Noel ugh!

♪ Born is the king

♪ of Israel

(barber) Come on, Jerry.

Get a sh*t.

Jerry, keep up!

(Jerry) I'm trying.

(Barber) Get the kids.

Come on, Jerry!

[Grunting]

[Engine sputtering]

[Monk grunts]

♪ It gave great light

♪ and so it continued

♪ both day and night...

(Jerry) Shouldn't we do something?

You stop this fight, you're fired.

[Both grunting]

[Metal clanging]

[Crowd gasps]

♪ They looked up

♪ and saw a star...

[Grunting]

[Crowd gasps]

Uhn!

Oh!

You stay back, monk!

You stopped me once, you ain't stopping me again.

♪ Continue both day and night... ♪ Arg!

Uhn!

[Crowd gasps]

♪ Noel Noel

♪ born is the king

♪ of Israel

[sirens wailing, police radio chatter]

Get him outta here.

Ho ho ho.

(Disher) That's cool. Can I hold that?

[Whistles]

What's this thing worth?

About $30 million.

(Barber) The star of Bethlehem diamond...

You should hold it. Mm-hmm.

A symbol of hope and peace to millions of people, would've been lost to the world forever had it not been for the bravery of one man, former detective Adrian monk.

Mr. Monk, Adrian...

Brandy barber, channel six news.

Yeah, we remember.

How does it feel being a hero?

He's a very bad Santa.

Very, very bad.

Bad, bad, bad Santa.

Yes, we know that now.

Bad, bad...

Bad...

We're going home now.

We don't have anything left to say.

Bad...

(Barber) There he goes.

Jerry, get a sh*t of him.

That's a real American hero.

That's the man that saved Christmas.

(Jerry) That's it. We're clear.

God, I need a drink!

Come on, Jerry. I'll buy you an eggnog.

Eggnog. My favorite.

Ah.

Want some?

Really?

Yeah, you can try it. I'm here.

What do you think?

I don't think I like alcohol.

Really? Thank you!

That could be my Christmas present.

What are you doing?

Come on, we're supposed to be cleaning up.

I know, we started to, but...

Everything looks so beautiful.

Candles?

You trying to burn the place down?

What's that noise?

It's music.

Mr. Monk, come on. It's Christmas Eve.

You can't put everything away.

It's not real.

The boxes are empty.

I know. Stockings are empty.

It's all pretend, remember?

We just put it up for that stupid TV interview.

But it looks real.

And it feels real.

And if you're feeling something, then it's real!

I don't feel anything.

I know, because you're not relaxing.

Let's just stop, sit down...

No, i-i-i...

Here.

What are you doing?

Taking off your shoes.

Hey! Don't be scared.

It's Christmas Eve, come on.

Look at the Christmas tree.

Isn't it pretty?

Wait, whoa-whoa-whoa...

It's pretty.

Listen to the music.

Ah.

It's nice, isn't it?

You're home.

You solved the case.

You're surrounded by people who love you.

[Sighs]

We're so blessed, aren't we?

Yeah, we're blessed.

I'm feeling something.

It's joy.

You're feeling some joy!

I don't like it.

Sure you do. It's Christmas Eve.

Just-just stop fighting it.

Just let go.

Enjoy, okay?

Open up your heart.

How do you feel?

[Whispers] He's smiling.

[Whispers] Get the camera.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Monk.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

♪