01x06 - Jack Meets Dennis

[bunniefuu]

It's so sweet of you
to walk me to work today.

You're my girl, right?
I take care of you, huh?

Who knows? Maybe we'll see
Natalie Morales, you know?

That little firecracker.

She gets my blood running
south of the border.

That is less sweet.

I'm gonna stop by tonight.

Maybe I'll, uh,
pick up some Chinese.

Aw. You said "Chinese"
instead of something offensive.

I told you, losing you last year
changed me, huh?

It made me more, um...
more mature.

Come here.

Ow. That really hurts!

Dennis!

You're back with Dennis?

Yeah.
I'm back with Dennis.

Don't look at me
with your eyebrows all up.

It's so annoying.

Oh, yes.
I'm annoying.

Not the man who honked
your boobs on the jumbo screen.

That was before,
and it was the playoffs.

Does he still work
at that beeper store?

What is it, Beeper King?

He is the king now.
The old Beeper King retired.

Well, technically,
he sh*t himself.

But Dennis took over,

and now he's the only beeper
salesman left in Manhattan,

which is cool.

You're doing
the eyebrow thing again.

Because it's Dennis.

Who are you trying to fool?
This is me.

Exactly. You don't get
to give dating advice.

You sent a letter
to Scott Peterson.

After he dyed his hair

and got super thin
from all the stress.

Are you kidding me?
He was smokin'.

Dennis is a good guy,
okay?

Not really.
So, when did this happen?

Well, last week
was my birthday.

And everyone forgot
except Dennis.

He called, and we went out,
and it wasn't too weird.

And how was the sex?

Fast and only on Saturdays.
It's perfect.

Did you see this?

It's horrible.

They're printing libel
about me again.

Libel, Liz Lemon!

Ugh! "Normal."

How dare they?

That's what I'm saying.

That's character
assassination.

That's not normal.

It only looks like I'm walking
out of a Starbucks,

when actually
I'm doing the robot

going backwards
into a Starbucks.

And I don't even know
whose dog that is.

Yes, I steal dogs.

What is the problem?

I can't be normal.
If I'm normal, I'm boring.

If I'm boring,
I'm not a movie star.

If I'm not a movie star,
then I'm poor.

And poor people can't afford
to pay back

the $75,000 in cash
they owe Quincy Jones.

Wow.

Talking to that guy is like
looking in a mirror, huh?

Well, my armpit rash
is back.

Oh, my God, Jack.
What are you doing in wardrobe?

The latest research is in.
Our audience doesn't like green.

Oh, that's too bad.
I like green.

Research doesn't lie,
Jenna.

It lets us know
what we're thinking...

what's too boring,
what's too gay, what's too old.

What's too old?

That's a very good question.
How old are you?
I'm 29.

What year were you born?
1977.

When did you graduate
high school?
'94.

When do you turn 40?
2017.

Junior high crush?
Kirk Cameron.

Prom theme?
"Motownphilly,"
Boyz II Men.

What movie did you lose
your virginity at?
"Arachnophobia."

Theater or drive-in?

What's a drive-in?

Of course.

I don't know
why I bothered to ask.

I can tell just
from your physical appearance

that you're obviously...

29.

So, these page numbers,
when done correctly,

should be sequential.

Oh. Oh, Josh, Liz Taylor's
assistant called.

They wanted the address here
to send you something.

That's awesome!

She must have seen
my impression of her.

Sounds like someone
loves Liz Taylor.
I do.

No, we mean love love.

Yeah, like if she
walked in right now

and said she wanted to do it
with you, you would.

I definitely would.

What?

Liz.

I'm totally serious.
I mean, wouldn't you guys?

Uh, Jack asked me
how old I am.

What did you say?

29.

Jenna, relax.

I cannot and will not relax,
Liz.

I am an actress,

and when someone asks an actress
how old she is,

it's more statement
than question.

When my mom's feeling old,

she goes to this guy
on 71 st Street.

But she's old.
She's like 38.

I'm gonna be sick.

ß Betcha he reads ß

ß Betcha she sews ß

ß Betcha they've made me
a closet of clothes ß

God.

Lemon, what tragedy
happened in your life

that you insist
upon punishing yourself

with all this... mediocrity?

What, 'cause I'm eating
a turkey sub?

Your turkey sub,
your clothes,

the fact that a woman
of your resources and position

lives like some boxcar hobo.

Or maybe it's the fact
that while I'm saying all this,

you have a piece of lettuce
stuck in your hair.

This is the unlisted number
of Stone,

the most exclusive restaurant
in the city, currently.

I think it's time
that you start

enjoying some of the finer
things in life.

Completely unsolicited
and inappropriate.

I will only accept it
because I love food.

Do you know why Jack Welch
is the greatest leader

since the Pharaohs?

Because he didn't only involve
himself in our work lives,

but our personal lives
as well.

He introduced us
to the finest booze,

the most restrictive
country clubs.

He gave us the names of the most
discrete private investigators

to spy on our ex-wives.

He held our hands
during our triumphs

and our Senate hearings.

I want to hold
your hand, Lemon.

Yikes.

This is a perfect example.

You have
a million-dollar view.

But you refuse to acknowledge

that there's a whole world
out there.

Oh, my.

There appears
to be a gentleman

making passionate,
anguine love to himself.

Yeah, I know.

That's why I closed the blinds
in the first place.

Right in his office.

Huh.

Lemon, I like to think
of myself as a winner,

and I like to surround myself
with winners.

I see potential in you.

Let me be your Jack Welch.

Let me be your mentor.

No, thank you.

That is unfortunate.

You've, uh, got to admire

his persistence
and stamina, though.

Am I wrong, or is he in
the middle of a staff meeting?

Maybe you should be
his mentor.

Obviously,
he doesn't need one.

He's got it all
figured out.

I got one for you.

See the old guy over there
with the girl?

Mistress or daughter?

Oh, my God.
I hope it's his daughter.

Yeah.
Me too.

Oh, my God!

I hope it's his mistress.

Oh, that is just wrong.

Hey, 007, how about
some more rolls over here, huh?

Oh, my, my.
What a pleasant surprise.

Lemon.
And you brought a man.

Jack Donaghy.

And this is my friend
Anastasia.
How are you?

Hi. Dennis Duffy,
Beeper King.

The Beeper King.
Really?

Uh, Dennis has
his own business.

Yes, he's an entrepreneur.
He's very successful.

You probably see my ads
on the 7 train, right?

I didn't know
they served chicken nuggets

at this restaurant.

It's cod. It's, uh...
They made it special.

Dennis has some
dietary restrictions.

Actually,
I'm allergic to all fish

unless it's fried,
you know?

That's a sharp tie
you've got there, Dennis.

That douche bag up front
made me wear it.

Does he know
you're the Beeper King?
I don't think so.

Anyway,
thanks for the hookup.

This is clearly the nicest
restaurant we've ever been to.

Oh, hold on a second.

This place ain't that nice,
all right?

It's got rats and roaches
like every other restaurant.

No rat talk tonight, okay?

Do you know there are 17 rats
per person in Manhattan?

You eat a pound of rat crap
every year

without even knowing it.

I think I read about that
in The New Yorker.

Anyway, we'll leave you
to your meal.

I hope you enjoy the, uh,
choices that you've made.

Stop it.

And that former call girl
went on

to become one of NBC's
biggest news anchors.

Star coming.

Wall hug, everybody.

That's Tracy Jordan!

He seems like such a nice,
normal young man.

Aah!

Let's keep going, you guys.
Let's keep going.

I enjoyed the restaurant.
Thank you.

Just say it.

Just say what you're dying
to say.

Dennis is nice to me, okay?
He fixed my toilet.

He broke it first,
but he fixed it.

And he loves hockey,
and I'm... figuring it out.

And it's easy.
I get a lot of work done.

I don't have time
for a personal life, okay?

I can't just go
to Central Park

and join the singles'
touch-football league.

Like I'd want to, anyway.

People on those posters always
laughing in their sweaters.

God, who are they fooling?

Oh, okay, you're not gonna
say anything to me

because I rejected you
as a mentor?

Who cares?

I have a lot of friends
I can talk to about my life.

The bottom line is,

Dennis is my boyfriend
because he inquired.

He was the only applicant.

And I am not...

...doing great.

Come in.

Hey, do you have a minute?
I need to talk to you about...

Aah!
What did you do to yourself?

Me?
Oh, nothing.

Just getting more rest.
Drinking more water.

Really?

This water...
does someone boil it first

and throw it in your face?

Okay, I had a little Botox
and some collagen

and a chemical peel
and something with shark DNA.

Admit it.
I look 10 years younger.

No, younger even.
You look like a fetus.

I came here to talk to you
about my problems with Dennis.

Oh, I can't
right now, honey.

If I don't
do my facial exercises,

I could wind up
looking weird.

I just mentioned Dennis,
and your eyebrows didn't go up.

They didn't?

No.

How about now?

Unh-unh.

Anything?

Hey, what's up, baby?
Liz around?

She should be back soon.
Is that a present for her?

Yeah.

If she doesn't get back soon,
I'm poking air holes in it.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but notice

that, uh, none of you
are wearing beepers.

You sell beepers?

I sell a way of life,
my friend.

Cool. I could use
some ironic accessories.

What are you doing here?

Hey.
I brought you a present.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.
It got out.

If anyone sees a salamander,
it's Liz's, okay?

No.
I don't want a salamander.

And I don't want you here
selling beepers.

Why not?
I mean, you work in a business.

Businesspeople need beepers.

No, they need cellphones.
Oh, yeah, for now.

But the beeper's gonna be
making a comeback.

Technology's cyclical.

No, technology
is not cyclical.

I thought I recognized
that voice.

Dennis, how the heck are you?

Did you enjoy
that restaurant?

No. I think I was right
about that place.

We saw a whole nest of rats
when we were leaving.

No, we didn't.
Yeah, I did.

I didn't want to tell you
'cause I knew you'd freak out.

Actually, I think
I saw a rat king.

Aren't rat kings
a myth?

What's a rat king?

Oh, it's when a bunch of rats
are crammed into a tiny space,

and their tails
get all tangled up,

and they can't even
pull apart.

And then it gets awesome.

Eventually their bodies
fuse together,

and they form a multiheaded
live rat king, and we saw one.

I hope you got
a picture of that

with the camera
on your beeper.

Actually, my beeper
doesn't have a camera.

But it does have
a pedometer.

Actually, not this one.

Listen, I need to talk to you
in my office, please.

Why?
Now.

What's up?

Is that a tattoo?

Uh-huh.

Who normal now?

You hear me, America?

Who's normal now?

How could you do this
to the show?

I got this tattoo
for the good of the show.

It gives us an edge... the
reason why you brought me on.

And when you purchase
Tracy Jordan,

he comes with a tattoo

of a biblical dragon
from outer space.

It's gonna take forever
to cover this with makeup.

You can't put makeup
on my tattoo, Liz Lemon.

It's in my contract.

No, it's not.

Actually, he's got
a pretty weird contract.

Great... Jenna looks
like a p*rn-star burn victim,

and now this idiot.

What are we gonna do?

It's gonna be
Josh's busiest show ever.

Josh.

Ms. Taylor.

When your office said
you were sending me something,

I didn't realize
it would be you.

But I had to give you
this gift...

in person, Josh.

Oh. I'm just glad you weren't
offended by my impression.

Oh.

But I was.
Deeply.

I'm here to give you
the gift of pain.

The gift of what?

White Diamonds!
Aah!

Okay.
Very funny.

You bought a pager
from Dennis.

Will you take it off now,
please?

Oh, I can't.
I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Look, Dennis takes care
of me, okay?

Liz, I'd like you
to meet Howard Jorgensen.

Liz, how do you do?

He's the vice president
of locomotives

and a rising star at G. E.

I thought the two of you
had a lot in common.

You are relentless.

Look, Howard,

you're obviously an attractive
and confident guy.

And at a different time
in my life,

I could definitely see
the two of us together.

I'm married with two beautiful
kids and a pool.

Liz, I wasn't trying to
set you up.

I wanted to show you
my handiwork.

I used to mentor Howard.

I was a lot like you.

I dressed poorly,
had bad posture,

walked around
with lettuce in my hair.

Oh, son of a bitch.

And I cursed
like a sailor.

But Jack saw potential in me.
He changed my life.

Now Howard's earning
seven figures,

and he's married
to a swell Filipino gal.

Thanks, Jack.

Look, I told you,
I don't need a mentor.

Fine.

Liz Taylor
really messed him up.

He might have brain damage.

Oh, my God.

Maybe the musical guest can do
some extra songs this week.

Who is it?
James Blunt.

Mm.

No.
I said no lettuce.

Are you at that crappy
sandwich place again?

Yeah, why is everybody judging
all of my choices lately?

This place is fine.

It's convenient.
It's consistent.

I know what I'm getting.

It doesn't make me feel bad
about my body.

Maybe I'm at an age where it's
okay for me to settle for this.

Are we still talking
about the sandwich place?

No.
Sadly, I don't think we are.

Okay.

I admit it.

Dennis isn't a sandwich
I want to eat

every day
for the rest of my life.

I'm clueless about men.

I'm clueless about everything
that isn't this show.

Maybe you can tell me
how to live,

because, sadly, you may be

the most stable person
I know right now.

Gentlemen, we'll have to
continue this conference

some other time.

That's her again, isn't it?

Hi, Howard.

Lemon, today is the first day
of the rest of your life.

And what is the first thing
you need to do?

I have to break up
with Dennis.

And why is that?

Because he wears shirts
with the Looney Tunes

embroidered on them.

Because he cuts
his own hair.

Because that one little
nice thing that he does

doesn't make up
for the fact

that I don't want to be seen
with him in public.

And if you don't break up
with him now?

He'll just keeping showing up
at work to sell beepers.

He'll just keep calling
my mother to borrow money.

We'll just get more and more
tangled up in each other's lives

until I just can't even get away
and we're just like...

Oh, my God.

That's right.
He's the rat king.

And there's only one way
to break up with a rat.

You have to cut him off
completely.

I know.

You have to stuff your heart
with steel wool and tinfoil.

You must be ruthless.
You must be absolute.

Remember always,
you are the exterminator.

Say it.
I am the exterminator.

Say it like you mean it.
I am the exterminator.

Louder!
I am the exterminator!

Okay.
Not that loud.

People are trying to work
around here, okay?
Okay.

30 minutes
to dress rehearsal, everybody.

Tracy, they need you
in wardrobe.

That's 30 minutes to dress.

Why is part of your face
still on the pillow?

Damn it.
Where's my Sharpie?

Oh, it is fake.

Look, I'm crazy,
not stupid.

A movie star can't have a big
old permanent face tattoo.

I just need to walk around
with this for a week,

get my picture
on the interweb,

show the world
I'm still dangerous!

What about next week,
when you don't have it anymore?

You're gonna look like...

I had extreme plastic surgery
to have it removed.

Baboom!
There's another "not normal."

You know this is very,
very, very bad for me, right?

I need to protect
my reputation.

You take away my street cred,
and I am Wayne Brady.

Nuh-uh.
Wayne Brady has three Emmys.

You have
a People's Choice Award

that you stole
from Wayne Brady.

I shouldn't expect a white woman
from Whiteville

to understand street cred.

First of all,
I'm not from Whiteville.

I'm from White Haven.

And it's not as nice
as it sounds.

Fine.
You can keep the tattoo.

For this week only!

Okay. Here we go.

MAN #2:
Quiet, please!

Rehearsing.

And now a word
from the White House.

Good evening.
I'm Laura Bush.

And I'm Condoleezza Rice.

Well, we had a good run.

What the hell
happened here?

The cast had a rough week.

These people cannot be
on television.

What is
your contingency plan

for a crap storm
of this magnitude?

There is none.

We go live
in a half an hour.

No wonder your career
is being held back

by a lack of foresight

and an addiction
to dysfunctional relationships.

You have
no exit strategies.

George has wandered off
and is missing.

He is a male Caucasian...

He knows
about my marriage.

No.
This is gonna be a bad show.

Worse than the time
we let Tracy

do that tribute
to August Wilson?

Worse than the time

we did that Gilbert
and Sullivan parody.

Maybe we'll be preempted
by some national news event.

It's still hurricane season,
right?

Oh! A blackout.
That will work.

All right, nobody panic.

The backup generator will
kick in in just a few seconds.

Okay.
You can panic.

This is real.

We dodged a b*llet here
tonight, Lemon.

Yes, this blackout
is a fortunate coincidence.

You didn't do it, right?

What, you think
I control the universe?

Yo!

This blackout messed me up.

I didn't get to debut
my dragon face.

Can I do "The Today Show"
tomorrow?

No, you're on a plane
to Boston tomorrow, Tray.

We have a laboratory.

They're experimenting
in tattoo removal.

It promises to be one
of our biggest profit centers

once today's generation
finally sobers up.

Tattoo's fake, Donaghy.
Fake.

Street cred.
He's a genius.

Flashlight, $20.

Flashlight, $20.

Can I give you a ride?
Flashlight, $20.

No.
I wouldn't want to crowd you.

Be strong, Lemon.

Don't let Dennis chew his way
out of this one.

Flashlight, $20.

Can I borrow 20 bucks?

Flashlight, $20.

Dennis, wake up.

God.

Huh? What?

You're gonna
burn the place down.

I wish I had
b*rned the place down.

There's no reason
to live anymore.

What happened?

The Islanders lost
tonight.

Doesn't that happen a lot?

I knew you wouldn't
understand.

So, how did it go?

He moved in with me.

Well, of course he did.