01x10 - The Rural Juror

[bunniefuu]

The flowers are lovely,
thank you.

No, you hang up first.

Okay,
on the count of three.

One, two, three.

No, I didn't hang up,
either.

Donaghy,
I need your help!

I miss you, too.

I said, "I miss you, too."

You're breaking up.
Maureen?

She cut out.

I need $60,000,
or I'm gonna lose my house.

Which house?

I need $100,000, or I'm gonna
lose both my houses.

Tracy, I don't understand.
You've starred in 14 films.

You don't have
any money saved?

No.
I lost all of it.

Really?
Who's your money manager?

Grizz.

WorldCom, man.
WorldCom.

Look, Tracy,
I can't just give you money.

But what I can do
is show you

how you can earn
all the money you need.

You must know Arsenio.

Hall or Billingham?

You know someone
named Arsenio Billingham?

No.

A few years ago,

Arsenio Hall
came to a colleague of mine

with a similar problem.

My friend suggested
that we brand Arsenio...

put his name and face
on a product.

Because of Arsenio's
"woof woof" catchphrase,

we settled on dog food.

The product
was a runaway success.

The company and Arsenio
made millions.

I like that.

Put my name on something.

But what would I sell?

The product is irrelevant.

The people aren't buying that.
They're buying you.

Now, you come back
with an idea

of a product you'd be willing
to sell... anything at all...

and you'll have all the money
you can dream of.

I'm on it.

I forgot
about that WorldCom mess.

Why you got to be so obsessed
with telecommunications?

Get me Maureen Dowd
back on the phone, please.

Hey, I got to miss
an hour of rehearsal today

'cause I just found out
from my publicist

I've been booked
on "The View."

Oh, Jenna, that's great.

For the first time
in your life,

you'll be in a room
full of women,

and you'll be
the least crazy one.

I know.

Oh, you know what clip
you should show?

"MTV Darfur."

You and Tracy
were really funny in that.

Oh, this isn't for "TGS."
It's for my movie.

"The 'Rura Jura"' has
a limited release next week.

Oh, congratulations.

I didn't know they had
a release date for "The Rur..."

for that movie.

Oh, sorry.

Got to take this.

Hello?

You still don't know
what the title is?

No.
No one does.

It's gone on way too long
to ask her about it.

This title isn't hard
to understand, right?

No.
It's awesome.

I love that we can work
while we're on cocaine.

Could it be
"Roar Her, Gem Her"?

No.
That doesn't make any sense.

It's got to be
"Oral Germ Whore."

Okay. Bye.

Sorry.
That was my publicist.

You know, I have to admit,
I kind of like that Tracy Jordan

is no longer the only movie star
on "TGS."

Maybe I'll finally start getting
some respect around here.

What's up, flabby butt?

You look weird today.

Hey, Pete, you want to see
a comic book

with pregnant zombie nuns?

Yes, I do.

Cool.

And I have a screener
of the movie for you.

I want you to watch it.

Ah.
"The Rural Juror."

That is something.

I can't wait to watch it.

Oh, you won't
be disappointed.

The source material
was amazing.

It's hard to go wrong
with a Kevin Grisham novel.

You mean John Grisham?

Oh, no. Kevin.
John's brother.

Did you know that
before Kevin was a novelist,

he worked
at a recycling center?

Wow.

And he just finished writing
the sequel.

It's called "Urban Fervor."

Boy, these titles.
They really make you think.

Oh, wow.

Oh!

Doesn't it seem
like just yesterday

we were doing the show
back in Chicago,

dreaming about being
in the movies?

We've come a long way
from that apartment we shared

in Little Armenia.

Oh, it was so weird there.

Do you remember
that neighborhood festival

where they k*lled a goat
in the street?

Yes! But we did have
really good luck that year.

Yeah.

I need to come up
with a big idea

for a product
to put my name on.

Something no one has thought of.
Something crazy.

I know a gentleman who had
a lot of crazy ideas.

He was a carpenter.

He wanted everyone
to love one another.

Oh, you mean Jesus?

No.
Miguel from set design.

He's over there.

Eureko!

Hey, what are you
doing back here?

They're rehearsing
your Paris Hilton sketch.

I'm trying to avoid Jenna.

She gave me a screener
of her movie.
And?

Oh, Pete, it's awful.

I couldn't believe
how bad it was.

Although I guess
it's no surprise

that Tony Hawk
can't play blind.

So you must know
the title.

Yes! Yes.
"The Rural Juror."

"The Ru..."
Rural.

"The R..."
Rural.

Eh. So what are you gonna do
about Jenna?

Same I've always done when
she's in something terrible...

think of one thing nice to say
and then hug her.

So, what did you think?

Oh, my God.

You looked so beautiful.

The lighting
was really neat.

Ethan and I both thought

the programs
were really easy to read.

So, what nice thing

are you gonna say
about "The Roaring Junior"?

Oh, I don't know.
It's a mess.

No, you've got to tell them

that when Paris Hilton tries to
make out with the bear,

the bear has to act
like he's into it.

Right.

Donaghy,
stop what you're doing,

'cause I'm about
to blow your mind.

Hit it!

Tired of your sandwich
making you angry?

Then behold...
the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine!

Stick any three meats,
whatever you want...

bologna, salami, boar...
whatever...

into this sexy lady,

and she will melt them
all together

into one delicious food ball.

Never again
will you have to suffer

through the bread part
of your sandwich.

I give you
the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine.

Meat is the new bread.
Meat is the new bread.
Meat is the new bread.

Rrrah!
Rrrah! Rrrah!

What do you think?

Well, it's certainly not

the worst celebrity-product idea
I've ever heard.

Hi.
I'm Whoopi Goldberg.

And you're working out
with Whoopi.

With Tracy Jordan behind this,
it just might work.

We'll roll it out in time
for Christmas,

manufacture it for 4 bucks,
slap your name on it,

and sell it for $50.

So G. E. will produce
the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?

Oh, no, no.

G. E. could never make
something so, um... unique.

We'll have to pass this off
to one of our subsidiaries.

You see, G. E. owns KitchenAll
of Colorado,

which in turn
owns JMI of Stanford,

which is a majority shareholder
in pokerfastlane. com,

which recently acquired
the Sheinhardt Wig Company,

which owns NBC outright.

NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works,

which owns the Ahp Chanagi
Party Meats Corporation

of Pyongyang, North Korea.

And they will make
the Meat Machine.

Jack Donaghy, you are the best.

You know what?
I'm gonna make you a mix tape.

You like Phil Collins?

I've got two ears
and a heart, don't I?

All right.
Jenna's on next.

Everyone shut up
so we can hear the title

of this stupid movie.

And coming up,

I'll be talking to "The Girlie
Show" star Jenna Maroney

about her upcoming project,
"The 'Ruro Jurr."'

That is not helpful.

Hey, do you know the name
of Jenna's movie yet?

Oh, yeah.
She gave me a screener.

Okay.
No, no, no. I'm not telling you
anything about it.

I'm not giving you
more amm*nit*on

to make fun of her with.

So it's bad.

How bad? Please!
Just give us one detail.

Okay, fine.

Jenna plays a Southern lawyer
named Constance Justice.

You got to let us see this.

No.
Come on, Liz!

No!

Aw, man.
Constance Justice.

Justice has been served.

Good stuff.
Yeah.

Tracy to the stage, please,

for "Pull Your Own
Wisdom Teeth. "

Oh, excuse me.

Hey. There you are.

So, what did you think
of the movie?

Oh, my God, Jenna.
The soundtrack was so moody.

What else did you like
about it?

What? Oh.
Um, you were good.

Your face was
very expressive.

And another cool part was...
the trees.

I got to get back to work.

You didn't like the movie.

What? Yes.
I just said I liked the movie.

Uh, no, you didn't.

You did that condescending
compliment thing you always do.

What?
When have I ever done that?

So, what did you think?

Oh, my God.

You looked beautiful.

The lighting
was really neat.

Ethan and I both thought

the programs
were really easy to read.

Well, that's not how I remember
any of that.

Look, Liz, for once,
be honest with me.

I want your real opinion.

Okay.

I thought the story
was preposterous,

I thought the acting
was way over the top,

and I thought it was
about an hour too long.

It's only 90 minutes.

It's kind of a train wreck.

A train wreck?
Okay.

I'm not trying to be
a jerk here.

You asked me for my opinion.

Yeah. No.
No. I understand.

Thank you.

I wasn't kidding about how cool
those trees were, though.

What were they, oaks?

Damn it.
Where are my car keys?

Jack, Tracy.
what can I do for you?

We have a product we want you to
give a medical endorsement to.

I'll do it.
What is it?

It's called
the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine.

It's a dual-press grill.

Say no more.

If it's giving people meat,
then I'm on board.

I've always said humans need
more animal blood.

It keeps the spine straight.

We appreciate it, Leo.

You boys need anything
while you're here...

some reds, yellows?

Just got some purples in
from Peru.

No, I'm good.

Well, it would be rude
not to take one or two.

All right.

Now, "The Rural Juror" is
the true story of Roy Jerner,

whose pure furor ensures
a terrible m*rder.

Excuse me.

Meg.

I feel like I'm getting
further away from it.

Hey. Last night
I broke into Liz's office.

I got Jenna's movie.

How'd you get in there?

That weird security guard Tony
let me in.

I also looked
on Liz's computer.

Her last two Google searches

were for "singles yoga"
and "scalp pain."

That is grim.

"The Rural Juror"?

Man, that's disappointing.

I had to let Tony watch me pee
to get that tape.

What?

Hey, you wanted to see me.

Yeah. I don't want to wear
this Paris Hilton nose.

I'm sorry.
You have to wear the nose.

There's a whole bunch of jokes
in the sketch about the nose.

Well, to be
perfectly honest,

I think the entire sketch
is a train wreck.

Oh, I see.

We're not talking
about the nose.

We're talking
about the movie.

You're wrong about it, Liz.

It's getting some
very positive early reviews.

Teenmoviescene.com gave it
five out of five iPods.

Jenna, believe what you want.

I'm your friend.
I'm telling you the truth.

Please.
Here's what's really going on.

It's k*lling you
that I'm in something good

that you had nothing
to do with.

And now you're
taking it out on me.

Oh, come on.

Well, enjoy kicking me around
for now, Liz,

because I won't be on your
crappy little show forever.

Really?

Really.

Really?
Really.

Rea y?

Really.

Well, Jenna,
I'm sorry you feel that way.

Aah!
What the hell?

Oh, God.
I'm sorry.

I didn't know there was
a person in there.

Pete, could you tell
Liz Lemon

not to stand in my eye line
while I'm rehearsing, please?

Pete, could you tell Jenna
she smells like a stripper?

So, uh, are you guys
still fighting?

We've reached
kind of an understanding.

She's not talking to me,
and to retaliate,

I'm writing impressions for her
that she can't do.

I did not have sexual relations

with that woman.

You guys
can't go on like this.

You have to apologize
to her.

I didn't do anything wrong.

She insisted on me
telling her

what I thought
of her crappy movie,

and then she att*cked me.

Liz, I can't have
the head writer

and one of the stars
of the show fighting.

I can barely keep a lid
on the feud

between Kenneth
and Dougie from props.

Stop it.

Audience,
let me ask you a question.

How many times
has this happened to you?

Or this?

Seem familiar?

Bread is one of the worst things
in the world,

but we've always needed it...
until now.

By burning three different types
of meat together,

the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine
takes bread out of the equation.

Now your sandwich
is all of the good stuff.

That's delicious.

And it's healthy.

Hi.
I'm Dr. Leo Spaceman.

I'm a working physician
with a degree

from the Ho Chi Minh City
School of Medicine.

Dr. Spaceman, is it true that
bread eats away at your brain?

We have no way of knowing

because the powerful bread lobby
keeps stopping my research.

Well, folks, bread will never
maybe att*ck your brain again.

Because with the Tracy Jordan
Meat Machine...

say it with me, now...

Meat is the new bread!
Meat is the new bread!
Meat is the new bread!

Where did you guys get
this tape?

Uh, Josh broke
into your office.

You went in my office
without permission?

Because I'm worried
about your scalp pain.

Hello, everyone.

Frank, could you tell Liz...

No.
Not interested.

Girl writer,
could you tell Liz that I...

Jenna, stop this.
It's stupid.

Let's just go in my office
and talk.

Oh, there is nothing
to talk about.

Stop making this
something it isn't.

I just didn't like the movie
because it's bad.

These guys watched it.
They'll tell you.

Actually,
we all kind of liked it.

What?
No, you didn't.

Yeah.
We all did.

It's not the best thing
in the world,

but it's solid,
and Jenna's really good in it.

Thank you, Frank.

Look.
Look at her.

She can't stand
that I'm in something good.

It's probably because of her own
intellectual insecurities.

What?
Frank, shut up.

Fine.
Dismiss me.

I guess because I look weird,
I can't be perceptive.

I can't believe
you liked this movie.

Ugh!

Jeez.
I hope those two work it out.

Relax, man.

As long as they're yapping at
each other, we're not working.

Enjoy it.

I want these everywhere.

Every person here eating from
a Tracy Jordan Meat Machine.

Ow! Ah, cheese and crackers,
that smarts!

What happened?

The grease b*rned me,
Mr. Jordan.

The machine must be broken.

That one must be defective.

Ah!
Ow! My face!

My page jacket!

They all must be like that.
Where's Donaghy?

Ah.

Can somebody take me
to a hospital?

Jenna, stop.
I just want to get past this.

What do you need me to do?

Well, you can start
by saying you're sorry.

Fine.

I am sorry that I assumed other
people would hate the movie

just because I hate it.

That was wrong.

That's it?
That's your apology?

Yeah.
Are we good?

We're good.
Great.

Do I have to wear
the nose tonight?

Yes, you do.

Okay. Well, then I hope
you get bird flu and die.

What did you
just say to me?

You are a big fake,
you know that, Liz?

She doesn't even need
those glasses.

Really?
I'm a fake, blondie?

I'm a fake?

Burning jets
of grease, huh?

Were any
of our people hurt?

Only Kenneth.
Good.

What are we gonna do?
We can't sell this.

You're right.

We can't sell this...
in the United States.

What?

We simply have to find a market
with lax safety regulations.

With your international appeal,
we can go anywhere.

How about the Ukraine?
Not the Ukraine.

I own some property
on the Dnieper River.

In Volyn?

Closer to Cherkassy.

We'll find another country,
then.

How do you feel
about Venezuela?

Can't do it, Donaghy.

I can't put my name on a product
that's gonna hurt people.

That's disappointing,

although I admire
your integrity.

Mr. Donaghy, they need you
onstage immediately...

some kind of emergency.

Crying out loud.

I'm sorry that we're not all
weeping with gratitude

at getting to read
your words.

I am so glad I studied voice
at Northwestern

so I could do raps
about Suri Cruise.
Oh, please.

If it wasn't for me,

you'd still be slutting it up
for car-dealership owners

so they'd put you
in their commercials.

So now I'm a slut?
Yeah.

Let me tell you something.

This slut slept
with your brother.

Mitch?!
Yeah, and let me tell you
something about Mitch.

He is disgusting in bed.

You know he's not right.

He was in a really bad
skiing accident!

Ladies.

Sit down.

Now, what is this about?

It's about my movie,
"The Rural Juror."

They've adapted
"The Rural Juror"?

I'm a huge
Kevin Grisham fan.

Jenna has taken the fact
that I don't like her movie

and blown it
completely out of proportion.

She twisted my boob.

Liz, you wanted
the movie to be bad.

You wanted me to fail.

Let me tell you something.
Liz has always supported you.

When I wanted you out of here,
she wouldn't give in.

I've never seen her
so worked up.

She came at me with that
angry little badger face...

There it is right now.

The point is, she went to the
mat for you, and she was right.

I know, but...
But nothing.

Now you're accusing Liz
of undermining you?

They did warn me those
diet pills were mood-altering.

Yeah.
I think you owe her an apology.

Oh...
Liz, I'm sorry.

No.
Don't be.

You're right.
I did want the movie to be bad.

Wow.

The one time I try to take your
side, Lemon, you sandbag me.

I'm sorry, Jenna.

I smelled crazy in here,
and I assumed it was you.

Oh, God, Liz.

I mean, I wish you had
written my movie, too.

It's not that.

It's just...

The dream that we had in Chicago
of getting famous...

We had it.

It was my dream, too, Jenna.

Yeah.

But you couldn't
have been serious

about acting for a living.

You have brown hair.

Look,
I like what I do now.

But there's still
this sad little part of me

that wants to be
the center of attention.

That wants to get my hair done
and get free clothes.

That wants to be you,
I guess.

Your movie just brought
all that stuff up again.

This is boring.
I'm bored now.

Oh, God, Liz.
I had no idea.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm a jackass.

No. I'm sorry.

So you really think
I'm beautiful?

I never said that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Feed me, Whoopi.

Whoopi!

What's this?

I gave the Meat Machine
to Whoopi.

Goldberg or Billingham?

Looks like Whoopi's made herself
another billion hryvna.

Uh, food ball?

Let's get personal.

Your father, Werner,

was a burger server
in suburban Santa Barbara...

Yes, that's right.

...when he spurned
your mother, Verna,

for a curly-haired surfer
named Roberta.

Did that hurt her?

It was hard
on all of us, yes.

Hmm. Fleg meg
gleg fleg meg meg.

Meg tennis meg meg
was a meg meg fleg?

I'll always be
his little girl.

Gleg.

Gleg.