07x13 - Last Lunch

Episode transcripts for the TV show "30 Rock". Aired: October 2006 - January 2013.
Revolves around a young Liz, currently head writer for a live sketch-comedy show in New York. Based off backstage shenanigans at `Saturday Night Live'.
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07x13 - Last Lunch

Post by bunniefuu »

Lemon-Chros family,
let's not be late.

Janet, shoes and socks.

Okay, let go of the comic book.
Let's try and get your jacket on.

Criss, shoes and socks!


- Let's go, let's go!
- Don't forget these!


All right.

Have a good day!
Have fun at home!


[Clock ticking]

Any recommendations for the
best place to buy a girl's bike

on the Upper West Side?

She's eight.

I'm sorry, what's a "girl's" bike?
Is that like a "girl" doctor?

Go back to Saudi Arabia, h*tler!

You're buying a bike but not a helmet?
The head is where the child's brain is!

Why don't you get educated,
Double h*tler?!

I was gonna buy a helmet.

Helmets inhibit brain development!

You might as well give
your darling child vaccines,

which studies show
cause h*m*.

So what?
My -year-old is super gay,

and we love him
more than a straight child

because he doesn't r*pe!

Gentlemen, yesterday I moved
Kabletown's customer service

to a part of India
that has no phones.

We're now providing the same level
of service to our subscribers

at zero the cost.

This is a Six Sigma
Wheel of Domination.

It's a motivational tool
I used back at GE,

and it will be replacing Kabletown's,
uh, kitten in spaghetti.

Once this circle
is completely filled in,

we will be a perfect company.

And then we'll be able to get
even better trophy wives...

- half-Asian ones!
- Oh.

- [ Telephones ringing]
- MAN: Jack Donaghy's office.

You can't go in there!

I never told you this, but I once came
up late at night looking for Jack,

and you were in a wedding dress
dancing with one of his suits.

Mr. Donaghy will see you now.

Stay-at-home Lemon.
To what do I owe the pleasure?

Did you already run out of things
to do today?

[Scoffs ] What? No!

- You are.
- It's understandable.

For the past seven years,

you put out dozens of fires
every day --

not including the real ones
Tracy would set.

To keep away Frankensteins,
which, as far as we know, worked.

My point is, you need the outlet.

Without work...
[imitates expl*si*n]

I have plenty of new outlets.

I ran this morning for minutes.

Does that include dry heaving?

And wet! And, sure, okay, I thought
I'd have a job right now.

But I don't need to work.

What about money? You know "TGS"
is only syndicated in Greece.

[speaking Greek]

[High-pitched tone]

We'll be fine.
Criss has gone back to work.

He has a degree in ethnomusicology
from Wesleyan,

so he's a receptionist
at a dental office.

And I didn't come here
looking for something to do.

I just thought
I would check in on you

because you're
the emotionally fragile one.


Which is a combination
of "hogwash" and "poppycock."

I'm just saying,
if my mother told me

that everything I had been raised
to believe was a lie and then died,

I'd be like, "Say whaaat?!"

Lemon, all Colleen said
is that she wanted me to be happy,

and obviously I am.

Take a look at my new view.

From up here,
I can see the whole island --

a city built
on the religion of capitalism,

and I am its high priest

looking down
on the swinish multitude.

And even those who hate me,
the unwashed socialist horde,

the Occupy Wall Streeters

and the beard-havers
and the bicycle-riders,

even they must acknowledge me...

as a god.

And this makes you... happy?

It should.

You know, I'm reminded
of something Yoda once said.

[imitating Yoda] Hmm. Ohh.

Dark times are these.


Nakamura-san, we at NBC
would love to adapt your game show

for American audiences.

But we thought maybe contestants
could win money

instead of penis punches.

Yo, Ken, I need you
to do something for me!


Tray, Ken can't do stuff
for you anymore.

He's president of the network now.

So? He promised me he'd always
be there for me no matter what.

Sometimes things change.

And yet you still say
stupid stuff to me all the time

and suck at carrying boxes!

LIZ: Hey, Kenneth!

Just thought I'd come up and say hi
to the new president of NBC!

Well, can I get you anything --
chickpeas, moonshine, turtle meat?

LIZ: I'm good.

You know, I was with NBC
for seven years.

And even though right now
I'm concentrating on being a mom --

You've always had the body for it!

...at some point down the road
I do plan on getting back to work.

Well, I hope it's with NBC!

Because we have hiring quotas!

Okay, well, I actually think
there might be a show in my life:

a woman writer living in New York --

KENNETH: Oh, sorry.

"Woman," "writer," "New York."

Those are all on my list
of "TV No-No Words."

See, I think audiences
just want to laugh

and forget about their problems
when they watch TV.

They don't want to watch
some angry New York crankypants...

make that face! Exactly!

I want to make shows
that people actually want to watch!

Shows where a guy gets a drink
thrown in his face

and then he turns to his dog
and says, "Don't. Even. Say it."

[Giggles To his dog!

Okay, well,
I think TV can be successful

without sacrificing quality.

- Tsk-tsk-tsk!
- Ah, there it is.

Okay, well, if that's what you want,

maybe I shouldn't bring my ideas
to NBC.

I'll go to cable,

where you can swear and really
take time to let moments la--

You will never believe
what just happened to me!

I was throwing a tantrum
in the makeup room...

Where is my color?!

I will have you queens fired!

I will tell the other gays
your real ages!

I'll be...

ignored by my friends?

No one paid any attention to --

Stop ignoring me!

This is an actor announcement!

The show's over, so you're not
technically an actor anymore.

How dare you, you rotting pear?

I will stop being an actress

when the Earth stops spinning
on Kabbalah Monster's fingernail.

The only thing that's "stopping"
is this show.

It's beneath me.

And from now on,

Jenna Maroney only plays
dramatic roles.

Good-bye forever,
you factory-reject dildos.

Mr. Donaghy?!

Inga, you have to warn me
when we have an important guest.

I'm afraid I'm going to
have to spank you again!


Stupid Jonathan.

Kenneth, I need your advice.

Sir, I know this is my office,

but it would make me more
comfortable if we switched places.

Kenneth, I've been thinking
about something a lot lately,

something that's never bothered me
until now.

Me too!
Where are all the baby pigeons?

I've started to wonder if I'm happy.

Well, sir, if you have to ask, then...
you're not.

It's like when a pig says,

"if I can communicate with you
telepathically, do I have a soul?"

And then you're like, "No. Duh!
Into the slaughtering chute!"

If you're right, I have a problem.
And every problem can be solved.

As I was taught in Six Sigma:

Analyze, Strategize, Succeed --


I'm going to crush this problem...

with my ASS.

Tracy Jordan
to see Ken Tucky Derby.

Mr. Parcell's in a meeting.

I see.

Very well.

Tell him Tracy came by
from his promise.

That's Tracy --
"T" as in the drink.

"R" as in the pirate noise.

"A" as in the Fonzie noise.

"C" as in sea monster.

"Y" as in
"Why do we even make friends

if they're gonna let you down
when we need them the most?"

Last name: Jordan.

"J" as in the birds I'm afraid of...


I'm a stay-at-home mom

who until recently
had a high-pressure job.

Any advice on dealing
with that transition?

I put all my old work energy
into parenting.

My kids hate me!
Which gives me more parenting to do!

Oh, my God, I'm so sick of listening
to you stay-at-home moms whine.

Try being a working parent.

I did. But I got fired.

For stupidity.

I'd switch places with any of you.
And I have amazing cheekbones.

Original poster:

For your information,
some people like work.

Really? You like having
emails from Jerry,

all with a red exclamation point?

Oh, they're all urgent, Jerry?!

Some people think that work
is fulfilling and validating.

For example, the rapper T.l.,

who wrote,
"Better get on yo' job, tell 'em,

haters get on yo' job, nougats."

At least I think
he was saying "nougats."

Well, I don't know what to say.
I guess "some people" are idiots.

Bitch, you are on my last nerve!

Then why don't you do something
about it?

Gladly, friend- .
Riverside Park.

Hippo Playground.

Perfect. I take my darling children
there all the time.

I'll be the one
wearing a purple sweater

and wrapping a baby swing
around some skank's neck.

Time for an ASS att*ck.

MAN: Kabletown shares
closing at a new high today.

CEO Jack Donaghy,
who rang the opening bell last week,

has emphasized
the growth potential in the...


Now I am the sensei!

The parking space
closest to the door is mine!

What do we have here?

GUTHRIE: Joining us this hour
is my new co-host, The Colonel.

Looks like another cold one today
in the Midwest.

So bundle up, everyone.

And if you can, get hit by a car.

You get to spend a couple days
in the hospital,

and they give you soup.

♪ This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine ♪

Nancy, I know
this is unconventional,

but I really think
a group relationship could work.

What you're proposin'
is a sin, Jack.

But she is wicked hot.

Elisa, what do you say?

It would have to be a conjugal visit
because I am in a Puerto Rican jail.

Jenna, thank you so much
for doing this.

What a thrill!

Oh, I am just so glad
to finally return to my two loves --

dramatic acting and sex crimes!

Well, this first scene
is super simple.

Munch and Fin find your body --

Wait, what?

I die?

Didn't you get the rewrite?

But if I'm d*ad, how can I become
a recurring character?

And if I'm not a recurring character,

how will I get away
with horrible stuff like this?

Let's do this!

That's what I was about to say!

Let's do it!

Slate it!

And... action!

[Dramatic music plays]

Word is, cleaning lady
found her early this morning.

JENNA: [Moaning ] Still alive.

Who else had access?

JENNA: Ow, my foot hurts,
but I'm okay!

I think this injury has given me
crime-solving powers!

It's "Law & Order, Colon,
Mind Beauty"!

I'm done.
Who is this chick?

All television is beneath me!

I will only do cinema!

No one cares, Jenna!

I am going to the City of Angels,
a veterinary hospital

where I get dog sedatives
that help me relax when I fly.

Then I'm flying to Los Angeles!

Good-bye forever, you soup line
at a gay homeless shelter!

Crisstopher Rick Chros.
Are you kidding me?

Liz, you don't want to be here
right now,

'cause I gotta go smack that woman
in the face!

Criss... you're here to fight me!

I'm the original poster!

Oh, my God!
Since when do you listen to T.l.?!

That message board is for moms.
I thought you were a lady.

You said you had
"amazing cheekbones!"

- Chros, what are you doing here?
- I don't know.

I just hate being at work.
Sitting at a desk makes me crazy.

I keep getting up and getting coffee.
Now I'm all jittery and weird --


So, you hate work.

And this mom came in with her kids
to see Dr. Emily,

and I was jealous of her.

Her kids were so bored, I just
wanted to jump over that divider

and play waiting games with them,
like Carpet Adventure!

Or that one
where your hands are spiders.

Hand Spiders!

Yeah, so, I hate work,
and evidently you miss it.

I know.
I'm a terrible mother.

Oh, my God. If you were a dude,
you would not even be thinking that.

It's okay to want to work.
One of us has to.

We just got it backwards.

You're... the dad.

I do like ignoring your questions
while I try to watch TV.

Exactly! I should be the one
staying at home.

You should be in an office.

It's how our family
is supposed to work.

Except I don't have an office
to go back to.

So, pitch something to Kenneth,
like -- I don't know --

a show about a dentist's office,
where the sassy hygienist

says things like,
"I'm turning ...again."


I will miss Tyrell.

You know, that's exactly the kind of
garbage that Kenneth is looking for.

And, for the sake of my family,
I'm gonna give it to him.


Damn it, why did I get
such a loud pacemaker?!

Tray, Kenneth is not coming.

You think I don't know that?!

When I went up
to Ken's office earlier,

I saw his schedule
on his assistant's p*rn box.

- You mean computer?
- Whatever!

He doesn't have meetings.
He's avoiding me!

What am I, my son's piano recital?!

Put yourself in Kenneth's shoes.

I can't! He's not here!
Stop torturing me!

He's running the network.

He doesn't need you
asking him for stuff.

Whatever it is you need,
we can do it.

Unless you need us to hate
the new Taylor Swift album.

That girl has feelings.

You're wrong, Dot Com!
What I need, only Kenneth can do!

Only Kenneth!

We were doing just fine
before Kenneth ever got here!

Just fine!

You wanted to see me, sir?

Kenneth, since we last spoke,
I've been in a spiral --

an upward spiral.

Oh, that's not a thing.

Neither is talking
two Catholic beauties

into a delicious
vanilla-caramel sex swirl,

but I did it...
and I got rid of their accents.

[British accent] Oh, Jack,

porking in that prison basement
was wicked awesome.

[British accent] Oh, thank you,
you two, for blowing my brains.

So who's happy now, Parcell?

Well, if you
have to ask the question --

And answer it.

I am, you string cheese
with a tooth stuck in it!

Look at the Wheel!

- Well, then, smile, Mr. Donaghy!
- I am!

Jack, you are gonna love this,
you magnificent bastard!

Someone leaked your new salary.

Occupy Wall Street
is having a conniption!

- Really?
- They b*rned you in effigy!

The hair went up
like a Roman candle!

And the Democrats, they don't even
know what to do with themselves!

Just look at this jackass.

Jack Donaghy
is an economic w*r criminal.

If the Democratic Party
controlled Congress,

I would see to it that he was punished
in the worst way possible --

by having to come down here
and listen to us.

God, I feel like I have
a macropenis right now!

Ms. Lemon, how funny!

I was planning to call you,
and now here you are!

Now, about our conversation earlier --

Yes, about that.

You know, I've been thinking,
and you were right.

America doesn't want to see me.

America wants to see...

John Hardly.

He loves his family,
but he hates the rat race.

He's... "Hardly Working."

KENNETH: I'm so sorry, pass.

But I do have something
you'd be perfect for.

One last chance for "TGS"
to make America say, "What? Why?"

What are you talking about?

Well, it turns out
Mr. Jordan's "TGS" contract

contains some
rather unusual clauses.

And I don't mean those two Santas
I saw kissing on the subway.

"If fewer than episodes of 'TGS'
are produced in total,

Mr. Jordan shall be paid
a penalty of $ million."


Ms. Lemon,
"TGS" has done shows.

So we're gonna need you to go ahead
and do one more.

I need a job, Kenneth,
not one more episode of "TGS".

You are contractually required
to write and produce

all episodes of "TGS".

So, see you tomorrow?

You've really changed, Kenneth.

I don't think so.
You look nice today!

Shut your chin slit.

Yes, ma'am!

WOMAN: Welcome to Los Angeles
International Airport.

Follow yellow signs to baggage claim
and ground transportation.

Excuse me, ma'am, do you need
a wheelchair to baggage claim?

[Dog squeals]

Shut it down.

I will return to my first love --

You Eastern-European-knockoff
Mr. Potato Heads!

Why haven't you come to see me?!

Why didn't you return
any of my calls?!

I tried, sir, but no one answered.

I'm Tracy Jordan!
I don't answer phones!

you once made a promise

that you would always be there
for me.

I know. I'm sorry.
I would never break a promise.

Good, 'cause I need you
to do something for me.

Of course. Just name it!

Kenneth, I need you
to take back your promise.


I know what it is
to blow up overnight.

And I'm not talking about my gout.

When I got big, a lot of people
from my past wanted stuff from me,

and, well...

I don't want to be
that person for you.

So, like the snakes I kept
in my dressing room,

I release you.

Mr. Jordan...

Thank you, sir!

I think I'm gonna need a tissue.

Am I supposed to drop this
on the floor?

And while we're naming things,

my car ran out of gas
on the Long Island Expressway.

Yes, sir.


Okay, Jack, I need a job.
I'm looking for six figures --

eight if you're counting cents,
which I fell for once before.

Not cool, The Gap!

I'd love to help you, Lemon,
but I don't think I can.

I resigned as CEO of Kabletown
an hour ago.

What? Why?

Because I felt nothing.

I got the job,
I pissed off my enemies --

Pelosi, Maddow, Baldwin.

It should have been
the greatest moment of my life.

No-no-no, no, no!
Eyes off the window!

Focus on Lemon.
What am I gonna do now?

I could try and help you --

make some calls and see
what bridges I haven't b*rned --

but I'm not going to,

for your own good.

Work is never going
to make you happy, Lemon.

And anyone who tells you differently
is a fool.

Are you kidding me?!

What have we been talking about
for the last seven years?!

I don't know anymore.

For the first time in my life,
I don't know what I need.

Maybe I'll buy a boat.

Oh, my God.

This whole time you've been
telling me how to run my life,

you didn't know
what you were talking about.

You're just an alcoholic
with a great voice.

Careful, Lemon.
You're playing with f*re.

You made me
buy into this whole life!

When I met you, I was perfectly happy
with what I had --

eating night cheese and transitioning
my pajamas into daywear.

You're the one who told me
to want more.

And now, when I need you most,
you are bailing on me?!

You're an adult, Lemon.
You didn't have to listen to me.

When was that an option?!

Look, if you want someone to blame,
blame yourself.

You're the one
who wormed your way into my brain

with your endless hand-wringing
and feelings.

I used to be a shark,
and then you un-shark-ulated me.

I called you up here for one meeting
seven years ago,

and you kept coming up!


So we ruined each other.
Good to know.

You know, it's for the best
that my show is over

and you've quit
and we're all going our separate ways.

I guess you and I
were just a boss and his employee.

And now we're not anymore.

Yes, that pretty much sums it up.

You're no longer special to him!

Get out!
Get out of our lives!

Yes! [Laughing maniacally]

Put your helmet on, Pete.

This last episode
is gonna be a hot mess.

How so?

If "TGS" doesn't do one more show,
Tracy gets $ million.


The same company that suggested
we get flush buddies to save water.

Liz, Tracy has landed.

Of course he has,
because if he didn't --

He'd be in breach of contract
and wouldn't get the money.

Which means he's gonna try to find
another way to ruin the show.

[font color="#ffffff"] x
Last Lunch[/font]

Seven years,
and Tracy never changed.

Well, people are who they are, Liz.

[Cell phone vibrates]

[Southern accent] This is
Dan Silversmith with Carolina Mutual.

I can't talk right now.
I'm with a customer.

Well, whatever sideways nonsense
Tracy tries to pull,

I'm gonna hold him down.

I'm gonna hold him down like
that machine Kathy Geiss invented

that hugs old people.

My God, this will change
elder care forever.


- [ Gasps]
- Whoops. Nope.

Hello, Tracy.

So, one last show.
Pretty crazy, huh?

Indeed, Elizabeth.
I hope nothing goes wrong.

Why would it?

I mean, you're here,
fulfilling your contract.

Sure am, L.L.

The only thing that can stop this show
is an act of God.

Or if some genius
figured out a way

to staaaalllll juuuuusssst
lonnnnnng eeeeenoughhhhh --

No! Nice try!

Get that out of here!

It's the final showdown, Tray.

You're gonna have to do
better than that.

The night is young,
and neither are you.



Okay. Thank you, everybody,
for coming in on such short notice.

I know some of you
have already gotten other jobs.

Not me.


We have been given
a second chance to end this right,

on our terms.

So... what are we going to order
for our last free lunch?

- Momofuku!
- Guy Fieri's restaurant ironically!

Nothing, thank you.

Cerie, whose turn is it
to choose lunch today?

Who is... The Picker?

You picked last time, Liz.

So, alphabetically after "Lemon"
comes --

Oh, no.

- [ Dramatic music plays]
- [ Gasps]


[All shouting]

- Come on, Lutz!
- LIZ: Solve this, Frank!

Hello, Lemon.

What are you doing here?
I thought you quit.

In the cushions of my couch
I found this customer-loyalty card

to a place called Blazer Barn.

I assume it's yours.

Thank you.

It's Manhattan's largest
out-of-business women's blazer dump.

Look, I didn't like the way
we ended things yesterday.

Yeah, I've got a lot of work to do.

I'm sorry we argued,
but I'm not myself lately.

I-I quit the job I worked
my entire life to get

and now I feel... adrift.

No! We're not doing this.

Today is the last "TGS" ever.

The point is, I'm going away,
probably for a long time.

I assume that's code
for a billionaire soul-searching trip

to Tan Penis Island.

Have fun.

We're at the end here, Lemon.
We shouldn't hold grudges.

[Laptop keys clacking]

For your information,

most of Tan Penis Island
was destroyed in Sting's house f*re.

[Door closes]

ROKER: ...are encouraged to take
this storm severely seriously.

Wait, where are you guys going?

Sorry, Liz. We gotta get out of here
before the roads close.

There's a snowicane coming!

ROKER: ...especially
midtown Manhattan

between Saks Fifth Avenue
and the Variety Deli.

Oh, no!
That's right where We are!

ROKER: According to
the National Weather Service,

you should, and I quote,

"Leave work,
get in your purple Bentley,

and be home with your sharks"

before the tri-state area gets slammed
by what is being called

Snowicane White Lady Name
Like Dorva Or Something.

Everybody back to work!

MAN: Aw, jeez!

[Door slams]

What did you do to Al Roker
to make him to do that?

Let's just say his wife is
on the board of a children's hospital,

and they need a celebrity
to host their annual gala,

and I thr*at to do it!

Do you understand
how selfish you're being?

Our crew has been together
for seven years,

and tonight is everyone's chance
to say good-bye.

So get up on that stage
and cut the B.S.!

But I promised Barbra Streisand
I'd never s*ab her again!

[Door slams]


you've been friends with Lemon
for a long time.

- She and I had an argument yesterday.
- Really?

Did Liz scream in your face?
Did you pin her up against the wall?

Were your shirts wet with rain?

I mean, obviously we've had
disagreements before,

but this... feels different.

After tonight, I feel like Lemon and I
could go our separate ways

and never see each other again.
Is that crazy?

Not really. You know Liz.
She can hold a grudge.

She did want me
to cancel "Top Chef"

because Colicchio's lunch place

changed the toppings
on her favorite salad.

And with people, forget about it.

She's never stayed friends
with an ex.

When Conan dumped her,
she dropped him forever.

- [ Bell dings]
- Hey, Liz.

Come on, you can't pretend
I don't exist!

We dated for a year!

We were gonna lose our virginity
to each other!

- [ Bell dings]
- Now I'll never lose it!

And her friends? She'll cut
people off for doing nothing.

I'm afraid to even tell her that I
Frenched her dad on New Year's.

I don't know what to do.
I've lost so much already.

The past few months
have been really hard.

And now Lemon! [Sobs]

Did the doctor that prescribes
your antidepressants go to jail, too?

You see, I don't have
that many people in my life.

I spent Christmas alone
in the Hamptons,

drinking Scotch and throwing
firecrackers at Billy Joel's dog!


I'm just in a really bad place,

and I don't know
how much more I can take!

[Sobs loudly]

Daddy, please stop crying!

[Continues sobbing]

I printed out the Blimpie's menu.

Okay, how about this?

Yesterday, a bunch of us came in
to clean out our desks,

more than half of us.

Yes! A quorum!

And you weren't here, Lutz.

And lunch rule precedent stipulates
that disputes will be resolved

by picking a new name.

Toofer, the can!

TOOFER: Gladly.

What the hell? It's stuck to me.
Oh, God! And it's Lutz!

Why is it so sticky?!

I wrote it on flypaper.

I'm five steps ahead of you,
you sons of bitches!


Liz, have you seen Jack today?

He just came into my dressing room
and started crying.

He's in a really bad place.

Like when Mickey Rourke --

Okay, I can't do this anymore.
I've never met Mickey Rourke.

What do you want me to do, Jenna --

shut down the show to make Jack
feel better about bailing on me?

I'm just really worried.
And if you won't do anything, I will.

On behalf of the network,
Ms. Maroney,

I think you should sing
at the end of the show tonight.

I'll need pianos.

Good luck with, uh, Jake!

Does everybody
have to be crazy today?!

Beloved coworkers!

Oh, life.

It goes by so fast.

We barely look at each other.

I didn't realize all
this was going on!

Good-bye, world.

Good-bye, Long Hair Guy.
Good-bye, Richard Esposito.

Go home to your wife
and eight beautiful children.

You're all so beautiful.

What the what?

[Exhales slowly]

[Softly] Um, guys?

I know I don't normally
say much, but --

What, woman?! Speak!

Well, officially the show
was cancelled two weeks ago.

So isn't this technically
season eight?

Which means we start over
at the beginning of the alphabet!

So the new Picker is...

- Me!
- What?! No!

"Lutz" isn't first!

You changed your name
to "Aardvark"?!

That's insane!





[Knock on door]

So, have you picked out a song
for tonight, Ms. Maroney?

A perfect song!

As I'm sure you know, I have returned
to my first love, Broadway,

in a musical adaptation of the film
of the novel "The Rural Juror".

- I'm sorry, the what?
- At the end of Act Two...

my character, Constance Justice,
sings the title song.

It's a tearful goodbye to her true
love, Norman Blurder, the Rural Juror.

It sounds emotional!

Listen to this.

[Loudly] ♪ I will never forget you,
Rural Juror! ♪

What? What is that face?

I don't know, Ms. Maroney.
It just seems like you're faking it.

Well, of course I am.
I'm an ac-tor.

And acting is all cheap tricks
that any child or monkey could do.

To act drunk, you just wear
two different size heels.

And to cry, you just clutch
a shard of broken glass.

Ms. Maroney,
this is the end of "TGS".

You need to show real emotion.


Real emotion.

It's not really my thing.

Maybe if I had something
to be sad about.

Are you kidding?

After tonight, you may not see
any of us ever again.

Stop trying to cheer me up!
I need to feel sad!

Then I guess you'll have to figure out

something that you'll miss
about this place.

But maybe it's not a thing
so much as a person.

Well, that's not going to be easy,

considering I'm the only person
who works here.

Why are you wearing
that weird necklace?

I always wear this.
I want to be buried in it.

So, if anything ever happens to me
and you can't find my body

but you can find this,
don't overthink it.

Just bury the necklace
and move on.

Okay. Why are you wearing
Jack's watch?

Oh, that's not part of it.
Jack just gave this to me.

He's been giving his stuff away
all day.

I want you to have
this bag of my hair.

LIZ: Why is he acting so crazy?

He's crying one minute, happy
the next, giving away all his stuff.

Sounds like someone's got a case
of the ol' kablooeys.

[imitates g*n, chuckles]
We've all been there.

You think Jack Donaghy's
gonna k*ll himself? No way.

Jack has never quit anything
in his life.

- That's for you.
- Except his dream job... yesterday.

[imitates g*n cocking, g*n]

Thing is, any fool can k*ll himself.
You know what a real man does?

Fakes his own death.
But you gotta be smart.

Plan it slowly
over eight or nine years.

And then, when it's "go time,"

no big withdrawals
from your bank account.

Instead, the day before it goes down,
you deposit $ .

Why would a guy planning to fake
his death deposit $ ? He wouldn't!

What the hell are you talking about?!

[Cell phone vibrating]

Oh, sorry. Work.

[Southern accent] Y'all get my fax?

- JACK: Elizabeth.
- [ Gasps]

Sweet, funny Elizabeth.

Your light always shone
the brightest, baby.

You're coming
to the show tonight, right?

I'll be watching.

Not sure from where,
but I'll be with you... in spirit.

LIZ: [Groans]


Come on, Tray,
leave the dancers alone.

What's going on?

Why aren't you smiling bravely
while Tracy tells you

your butt looks
like two slippery hams?

[Gasps ] Where's Tracy?!

We have no idea, Liz.

I've been so distracted lately.

Grizz just found out his uncle

left him a bed and breakfast
outside Santa Fe.

I'm gonna be
a real fish out of water!

What are you talking about?

What is that?!
Does everyone see that?!

Okay! Whatever!
I know you know where Tracy is!

Did he promise you
some of the $ million?

- Yes, $ million.
- Yes, $ , .

Wait, what?!

Okay, that's it! Tray is exactly
where you think he is, Liz.

It's the closest thing he has
to hiding out in a church.

[Gasps Oh.

It's : !
Where the frak is our lunch?!

We can't break him, Liz.
He's not human!

Why are you doing this to us?!

I'll tell you why!

Because for seven years,
you have yelled at me

and turned the lights out on me
when I was in the bathroom

and written on me
while I was sleeping

'cause I was Lutz --

dumb, old, uncool, part-Inuit,
bisexual, -year-old Lutz.

Well, today, I am The Picker!

And I want you to feel what I've felt
for the last seven years --

anger and disappointment
and regret!

And when that sandwich slides
out of you in a week, look at it!

Because that is Lutz's revenge!

Cerie, for lunch today,
I would like to pick Blimpie's.

No! No!

Cerie, sushi from Nobu ,

dessert from "Make My Cake"
in Harlem.

I'll be back... l hope.



[Cheering and whistling]

♪ We are young! ♪

Yeah, you're not that young, either.
Get down, please.

Give it up for Liz Lemon, everybody --
the least molested person in here.

[Light applause]

I don't even get your play here, Tray.
You're in breach now.

You stay here,
you don't get the money.

If you think it's about the money,
you're even dumber than I look.

So you're just doing this
for no reason at all,

for the fun of ruining
everyone's chance to say good-bye?

I'm doing this because I don't Want
to say good-bye to everyone.

Anybody who's ever left me
in my life just left --

my dad going to get a pack of smokes
and never coming back,

all those foster parents talking
about adopting me and never did.

I don't want tonight's show to happen

because I don't know
how to say good-bye, Liz Lemon.

MAN: Now on stage,
feast your eyes on the Skank Train!

Oh, boy. Okay.

Look, Tray, it's not good-bye forever.

I've enjoyed working with you,

and I'm sure
we'll get to do it again sometime.

And we're all gonna stay friends.

I'm sorry, is that
the white lady's way

of saying
"I'm going out to get cigarettes"?

'Cause that good-bye was atrocious.

Fine! Well, I guess there's a reason
people don't say honest good-byes.

Because when stuff
is coming to an end,

people freak out
and they act crazy.

They pick fights,
and they pick Blimpie's,

and I don't know
what Pete's doing!

So you lie to them.

But if you want
a hardcore truth good-bye...

Lay it on me.

[sighs ] Okay.

We were forced to be friends
because of work.

And we're probably not gonna
hang out after this.

You'll say that you're gonna invite me
to your house,

and it's never gonna happen.

And I'll see on TV
that it's your birthday

and I'll forget to call.

Working with you was hard, Tracy.

You frustrated me
and you wore me out.

But because the human heart

is not properly connected
to the human brain,

I love you
and I'm gonna miss you.

But tonight might be it.

Brutally honest.

I like that.

So you'll come do the show?

I'll come back, L.L.

But we're gonna watch this first.

- [ Dance music plays]
- MAN: Ride the train, ladies!

LIZ: [Gags]

MAN: Ride the train.

[Drill whirring]

Kenneth, what are you doing?!

Brian Williams needs a mirror
on the floor of his bathroom.

I guess you want that
if you have a glass toilet.

But the show's over after tonight,
so what do you care?

But... my mirror.

[No voice]

[Voice breaking] Oh, my God.

[Sniffles] It's all over.

Am I crying?

I have no way to see if I'm crying!

LIZ: Oh, thank God!

ALL: Last lunch!

No Lutz!

Last lunch!

No Lutz!

Cupcake sandwich!

Cupcake sandwich!

[Sighs ] Crap.
Motherhood has made me go soft.

Lutz, the food is here.
Come eat --


Oh, God!
Cover the food!


Cerie, you heard the man.


I was thinking
about what you said earlier,

how people get sloppy
when they fake their own deaths.

You said that.

The trick is
to wait for the right moment --

a day when it makes sense
to have a drink or two.

I don't know,
maybe a sad occasion

when something's
coming to an end.

You let people see you
with a glass in your hand.

That way, after the crash,
they'll be like,

"I did see him drinking."

Oh, God, that idiot!
What did he do?!

Yeah, that's what they'll say.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Don't worry, Lemon.

- There is no cause for alarm.
- [ Sighs]

You are watching
my video su1c1de note.

[$ Oh, my God!

JACK: Try not to blame yourself.

How were you to know
that I was in such a dark place

that the smallest thing --

for example, a close friend's
refusal to reconcile --

would be the final straw?

He k*lled himself because of me!

This is like what happened
with my gynecologist all over again!

I do have a parting gift for you,
Lemon --

His phone!
I can track his phone!

JACK: Go to YouTube and search

"Hamlet the mini pig
goes down stairs."

"Hamlet the mini pig" -- No!
Phone first!

I'll watch the pig video in the cab.

WOMAN: One minute.
One minute to air.

Guys, to be honest, you are nerds,
and one of you is very funny.

Good-bye forever.

Good-bye, Petey Pete.

I Will forget you.

I sure hope so, Tray.

I sure hope so.

WOMAN: Tracy and Jenna,
please set yourselves.


[sighs] Tracy...

[Sniffles, voice breaking]
I'm really gonna miss you.

My baloney, in all honesty...

I'm going out for cigarettes now,
and I'll be home in minutes.


WOMAN: Tracy and Jenna, please
set yourselves for "The Hitlersons".

My good side for camer-ah.

[Cheers and applause]

Jack! Wait!

There's so much to live for!

Don't you want to know
how "Mad Men" ends?!

Or Don goes to work for Peggy!


Hello, Lemon.

What?! I thought you were gonna
k*ll yourself!

That was the idea.
It was extreme but necessary.

I didn't want to be just another
person on your grudge list.

Which reminds me --
why am I still seeing new "Top Chefs"

with that bald salad-ruiner?!

I had hours to force you
to confront the soul-crushing horror

of a life without me.

I didn't lie
when I said I was going away.

I'm off to discover
what makes me happy.

I have to find my bliss --

which, for once, is not an acronym for
"Beautiful Ladies In Short Shorts."

How long will you be gone?

As long as it takes
to figure out what's next.

Although I've only been on this boat
a minute,

I've already realized
two things about myself.

One -- I could totally be
a professional boat model.

And two -- I do know one thing

that has made me happy
these last seven years.

Lemon, there is a word,
a once-special word

that's been tragically co-opted
by the romance-industrial complex.

And I would hate to use it here
and have you think

that I am suggesting
any kind of romantic sentiment,

let alone an invitation
to scale bone mountain.

It's a word that comes to us
by way of the old high German "luba"

from the Latin "lubere,"
meaning "to be pleasing."

So I am going to use this word
to describe how I feel about you

in the way that our Anglo-Saxon
forefathers would have used it

in reference to, say, uh,
a hot bowl of bear meat

or your enemy's skull... split.

I love you, too, Jack.

TRACY: Thank you, America!
That's our show.

Not a lot of people watched it,

but the joke's on you,
'cause we got paid anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jenna Maroney.

[Slow-tempo music plays]

♪ The Irma Luhrmer-Merman m*rder ♪

♪ Turned the bird's word lurid ♪

♪ The whir and the purr
of a twirler girl ♪

♪ She would the world
were demurer ♪

♪ The insurer's allure for valor
were pure Kari Wuhrer ♪

♪ One fervid whirl
over her turgid error ♪

♪ Rural juror ♪

♪ Rural juror ♪

♪ I will never forget you,
rural juror ♪

♪ I'll always be glad I met you,
rural juror ♪

This is just the start, Lemon.

Imagine the insights
months on this boat will yield.

The next time you see me,
I'll be a new man.

Good-bye, Jack Donaghy.

JACK: Good God, Lemon,
I just figured it all out!

I'm turning around!
Clear dishwashers!

- What?!
- Clear dishwashers!

So you can see
what's going on inside it!

Oh, my God, yes!
Do that!

It's the best idea I've ever had!

Thank God I took that boat trip.

♪ I will never forget you,
rural juror ♪

♪ I'll always be glad I met you,
rural juror ♪

♪ I will never forget you,
rural juror ♪

♪ I'll always be glad I met you,
rural juror ♪

♪ These were the best days of my... ♪

♪ fluuuurm ♪

[Birds chirping]

[Tires screeching]

- Get in the car, Pete.
- Paula!

I mean, who's Pete?

I have amnesia!

Oh, damn it, I practiced this!

Hi, buddies.

Wait, you're Sam?

[Canned laughter]

Don't. Even. Say it.


I want to thank
the brilliant Kevin Grisham,

the amazing John Stamos,

the incomparable
Judge Judy Sheindlin --

Hey, what are you doing?!
They called my name!

See you later, suckers!

Meep-meep! Peowwww!

[Light applause]

She'll be like, "What?"

[Cell phone beeps]


Hey, Lemon ice, can I call you back?

My dad finally came back
from getting cigarettes!


Lemon, it's Jack.
Don't forget Tracy's birthday.

Good morning, Mr. Donaghy.

I'm your new second assistant.

Wait, you're Sam?!

- Mm-hmm.
- [ Canned laughter]

So, the whole show just takes place
here at Rockefeller Plaza.

Is that right, Miss Lemon?

Yes, sir. It's based on stories
my great-grandmother told me.

I know.

[Whispers] And I love it.

[ "The Jetsons" spaceship sounds]
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