01x05 - 01x05 - Rita Moreno

[bunniefuu]

It's The Muppet Show with our
speciaI guest star, Miss Rita Moreno,

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

My cousin's so dumb, he
spent two weeks in London

trying to find the
European Common Market,

♪ To introduce our guest star

♪ That's what I'm here to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you

Miss Rita Moreno,

Ahh! Ahh!

♪ But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

♪ CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

♪ This is what we call

♪ The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
And welcome to The Muppet Show.

And what a show we got,
We have music, comedy,

dancing elephants
who, unfortunately,

left their costumes at home because
they forgot to pack their trunks,

I gave him that joke,
- I wish I gave it right back,

But right now, let's get things
moving with our speciaI guest star,

the beautifuI, lovely, terrific and talented
- lovely Miss Rita Moreno,

Agh!

Agh!

Agh!

OK, great number, Hey, would somebody
help that guy up the stairs, please?

She always does, She
was, but was I good?

Good? Piggy, honey, you're a ripsnorter,

Hey, Fozzie, can you get that?
- I'll get it, Kermit,

Hello, The Muppet Show backstage,

Who was it?
- The Water Department,

What the hey?

And now
"Veterinarian's Hospital. "

The continuing story of a
former orthopedic surgeon

who's gone to the dogs.

I'm sorry I'm late, Dr, Bob, I
was operating in the other room,

I know, It's the talk of the hospitaI,

Booga booga!

Cut that out, Let me
have the ear thing,

Ear thing, Dr, Bob,

Ooh, feels good, Stick,

Stick, Dr, Bob,
- Fetch,

What's that all about?
- That's my laboratory retriever,

Good girI,
- Thank you,

Oh, what do you think, Dr, Bob?
- I think this man is sick,

He oughtta see a doctor,
- But, Dr, Bob, you are a doctor,

That's your opinion, I'm gettin' outta here,
- No, you're not,

You can't leave, Fozzie, Dr, Bob is
the only one who can save you now,

She's right, I saved over last year,
- What? Patients?

No, Dollars,

Of course, I also lost over pounds,
- What? In weight?

No, In England,

Dr, Bob, you should
be ashamed of yourself,

You call yourself a doctor, Dr, Bob?

I'd never call myself a doctor, They
don't come when you call them anyway,

Tune in next week when
we'll hear Nurse Piggy say.

Dr, Bob, you've lost
all your patients,

I can't help it, I got a
short temper, About this tall,

Can I go now?

OK, a little shaky, A little shaky, guys,
- Well, your timing was awfuI!

What do you know about time?
- I know your face would stop a clock!

Well, stop it, pork chop!

Hey, Fozzie, Can you get that, please?
- Yeah, Kermit, I'll get it,

Hello, Backstage at The Muppet Show.

Fozzie, who was it?

The Fire Department,

I think this is what
they call a running gag,

No, that's what they
call a running gag,

Here's a Muppet newsflash,

Dateline, Fresno, Mr, Thomas Galli,
or Galley, spent the last months

teaching his pet chicken
to dance classicaI ballet,

Last Saturday, the chicken
passed her auditions

and became a member of the
RoyaI Copenhagen Ballet,

Unfortunately, Mrs, Galley
didn't wish to move to Denmark,

so she fricasseed the
ballerina for lunch,

Speaking of lunch, I wonder what
the Swedish chef has up his sleeve,

A summons from the
board of health, I wager,

Der flappen jacken hooken,

Just flip, Der,

Der flip-flop der flapjack,

Flip,

Der sticken on der roofen,

Der flipjack on der her hoop,

I get der blunderbuss,

I got it,

Ha ha,

The Muppet Show. Backstage,

Fozzie, who was that?
- Las Vegas,

They're a nice-looking couple,

Yeah, but a couple of what?

I hear you come from a broken home,

Yeah, I broke it myself,

Two, three, dip,
- Ahh!

Dip,
- Ahh!

Dip,
- Ahh!

Ahh!

Does one ever encounter
sharks in these parts?

Oh, no, Absolutely not,
Never, Why do you ask?

Just curious,

I hear that the president said that you
shouldn't panic if you don't have a job,

That's easy for him
to say, He's got a job,

I don't think we should come
to this ballroom any more,

Why?
- It seems to attract a lower class of animaI,

Oh, well,

Ahh!

I have a gnawing feeling
you're right, Let's tango,

♪ I started on a journey
just about a year ago

♪ To a little town called
Morrow in the state of Ohio

♪ I've never been much of a
traveler, and I really didn't know

♪ That Morrow was the hardest
place I'd ever try to go

♪ So I went down to the station
for my ticket and applied

♪ For tips regarding Morrow,
not expecting to be guyed

♪ Said I, "My friend, I'd
like to go to Morrow and return

♪ No later than tomorrow
for I haven't time to burn"

♪ Said he to me

♪ "Now let me see if
I have heard you right"

♪ You'd like to go to Morrow
and return tomorrow night

♪ You should have gone to
Morrow yesterday, and back today

♪ For the train that goes to
Morrow is a mile upon its way

♪ If you had gone to Morrow
yesterday, now don't you see

♪ You could have gone to Morrow
and returned today at three

♪ For the train today to
Morrow, if the schedule is right

♪ Today it gets to Morrow
and returns tomorrow night

♪ Said I, "I'd like to go
to Morrow, so can I go today

♪ And get to Morrow by
tonight if there is no delay?"

♪ "Well, well," I said to him,
"and I've got no more to say

♪ Can you get anywhere tomorrow
and get back again today?"

♪ Said I, "I guess you know
it all, but kindly let me say

♪ How can I get to Morrow if I
leave this town today?" Said he

♪ "You cannot go to
Morrow anymore today

♪ For the train that goes to
Morrow is a mile upon its way"

♪ I was so disappointed,
I was mad enough to swear

♪ The train had gone to Morrow
and had left me standing there

♪ The man was right in telling me

♪ "You are a howling jay,
you cannot go to Morrow"

♪ Well, I guess in town I'll stay

I don't get it,

Right now, friends, I am proud
to present a group of performers

that I personally discovered in the waiting
room of a bus station in Toledo, Ohio,

They weren't performing
there, they were just waiting,

Anyhow, let's bring 'em on with a big
hand, Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphones,

Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole,

Thank you, thank you
and gracias. Thank you,

I am the beloved Marvin Suggs,

And now presenting the performing
members of the Muppaphones,

Move it, move it, Yeah, Yeah,
- Another day, another headache,

Attention!

Tuning up,

Ow,
- Ow,

Ow,
- Ow,

Ow,

Oh, no, Move it, Marvin, Move it,
move it, Marvin, Move it, Move it,

Attention!

Tuning up,

Ow,
- Ow,

Ow,
- Ow,

Ow,
- Ow,

Ow,

Move it, Lucy, Move it, Move
it, move it, move it, move it,

Attention!

Tuning up,

Ow,
- Ow,

Ow,
- Ow,

Ow,
- Ow,

Ow,
- Ow,

Yes, yes, Oh, yes, yes,
Marvin, you've done it!

Bernard,

Ow!

And now, "Lady of Spain,"

The song,

♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow

♪ Ow, ow, ow, oooow

♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow

♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow

♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow

♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow

♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow

♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow

♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow

Can we have a little quiet here?
Can we have a little quiet? Quiet!

Quiet, please!

Agh!

OK, time again to raise the
intellectuaI leveI of our program,

as our paneI discusses
questions of lasting importance,

Our speciaI guest tonight
is Miss Tiffany Gonzalez,

Allo, allo,
- Aloha, Tiffany,

And our question of
lasting importance -

"Is conversation a dying art?"
What do you think, Tiffany?

Well, yes, Kermit,
people don't know how to talk,

They speak gibberish,
They don't say nothing,

You talk to people, they don't listen,

Fabulous, I'm talking to this crazy
guy, I'm talking about w*r and peace,

then he tells me something about the price
of coconuts, Am I crazy or is he crazy?

What did she say?
- I don't know, I wasn't listening,

I was listening and I still
don't know what she said,

What's the matter with you?
You don't understand English?

No, I
don't understand English,

Wait a minute!
- Don't make fun of the lady's accent,

What did I say? Listen, butch, I
speak as good English as the next guy,

Yeah, if the next guy is Desi Arnaz,

Piggy, please, Girls, if you...
- Excuse me, I want to talk,

Listen, you,

How would you like a high
heeI in your ham hocks?

Well, I never,
- What about conversation as a dying art?

If conversation is a
dying art, you k*lled it!

Piggy, please, Why don't you
let Tiffany and The Guru talk?

"Tiffany and The Guru," Didn't that
star Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon?

I saw that movie,
- Listen, your time is almost up,

Listen to me, In my country
we have a seldom used saying:

"When the swine lubricates the
automobile you end up with a greased pig,"

That don't make sense,

I know, That's why it's seldom used,

In my country we have a saying too:

Cuando uno trabaja con
una cochinita majadera

lo que hay que hacer es darle la
amenaza de posibilidad de asesinato.

What is that supposed to mean?

That means one more cr*ck from
you and you're one dead enchilada!

And who let this wacko
taco on the paneI?

Listen, how would you like to take
a flying leap into a sausage factory?

Don't touch me!
- OK, I'm sick and tired of you!

Come over here! Come
over here! She's a coward,

Well, the question is "is
conversation a dying art?"

And I don't think it is,
but it is severely injured,

Tune in next week when our topic will
be improving US-Latin American relations,

That Miss Moreno is easy on
the eyes, but hard on the ears,

Yes, In fact, I just got a
concussion from that discussion,

The Muppet Show. Backstage,

OK, who was it this time?

The Atomic Energy Commission,

Here's a Muppet newsflash,

There is no news tonight,

Hey, listen, Rita, At
this time in the show...

Kermit, Kermit, before you go on,
- What?

I just have to tell you that I
have always been a Muppet nut,

That I love all of you so much,

A frog is very ticklish,
Hey, but listen,

This is the part of the show where we have
what we call our "talk spot," you see,

where the guest sits here and talks
casually and spontaneously with the frog,

I know, I know, but, Kermit, haven't
you ever noticed on these variety shows,

when they have a talk spot, that
the actors always come off so phony?

I mean, you know that they're rehearsed,
You know that they are reading cue cards,

Yeah, but, Rita, on our show,
on our... Wait a minute...

"But Rita, but Rita, on our show,

we do not use any cue cards, Rita,

on our show, we do not... "

Kermit!

I was just kidding there,
- Oh, sorry,

Kermit, can't we just please do
it Muppet-style, Let's ad-lib it,

Oh, you mean ad-lib, just sort
of... yeah, just make it up?

I don't mind, Sure, yeah,
just chatting, like that, Sure,

I don't mind doing that, but there
are others who might take offence,

Like who?
- Like the guy who holds the cue cards,

Nice lady no want
Sweetums to hold cue cards?

Well, I, uh...

No,

Nice lady let Sweetums
hold something else?

Oh, sure, you can
hold anything you want,

Uh-huh, That best offer
me have all week, - Ahh!

Happens so often on our show, Our
guest stars just get carried away,

As all of us
right-thinking people know

Wayne and Wanda are the
only truly uplifting act

on this whole questionable program,

So, with a sense of awesome pride,

I present the singing team of Wayne
and Wanda with "Goody Goody,"

Oh, goody, goody,

♪ So you met someone who
set you back on your heels

♪ Goody Goody

OK, moving right along, friends,
- Stall, stall,

Yeah, OK,

Once again, by popular
demand, Mr, Fozzie Bear,

Thank you, Yeah, love you all, Yeah,
it's me again, the old Fozzie Bear,

Hickory dickory dock, a
laugh a minute by the clock,

Oh, yeah, well, you better check
your clock, It looks like it stopped,

I go with a lovely girI, She's so
bowlegged, when she stands around the house,

she stands around the house,

Hey! Hey! You remind
me of Charlton Heston,

Charlton Heston doesn't tell jokes,

Well?

Well, I'm good enough
to play the Palace,

You're not good enough
to clean the Palace,

Didn't you like my last joke?
- Yes, if you promise it's your last joke,

You-you guys wouldn't know a
good joke if you fell over one,

Well, we're not in any
danger with your act,

OK, onstage for Rita's closing number,
That's Rita, Floyd and AnimaI, please,

Onstage, onstage,

OK, Everybody ready for that closing...

I'll get it, I'll get it,
- Don't! Don't answer that phone, Fozzie!

I got it, I got it,
- No, Fozzie, Do not answer that telephone,

Oh, but, Kermit, All these terrific
funny things happen when I do answer it,

I'm aware of that, I'm aware of that,
- Come on, Watch out, I'll get it,

Is there no end to this running gag?

Well, I guess that puts
an end to this running gag,

Yeah, and also to all
the incoming calls,

♪ Never know how much I love you

♪ Never know how much I care

♪ When you put your arms around me

♪ I get a fever that's so hard to bear

♪ You give me fever

♪ When you kiss me

♪ Fever when you hold me tight

♪ Fever

♪ In the morning

♪ Fever all through the night

Oye, buddy,

Quiero decirte que
no se debe hacer eso.

It's not nice,? Entiendes?

Mirame a mi cuando te hable.

Este es mi numero y,
si tu me fastidias mas,

te voy a dar una gaznata
que te vas a ver bobo.

So cooI it,

So cooI it,

♪ Sun lights up the morning

♪ Moon lights up the night

♪ I light up when you call my name

♪ Cos you know I'm
gonna treat you right

♪ You give me fever

♪ When you kiss me

♪ Hold me tight

♪ Fever

♪ When you kiss me

♪ Fever when you hold me tight

♪ Fever all through the night

♪ Fever

♪ All through the night

That's my kind of woman,

Well, once again, folks, we've
come to the end of the show,

and I cannot but pause to thank our
lovely guest star, Miss Rita Moreno,

Ole.

Rita, I wish you wouldn't throw things on
the floor, We try to be neat around here,

Oh, that's OK, Kermit, He loves it,
I had lunch with him today, It's OK,

OK, if you say so, Hey, thank
you, Rita, And thank you all,

Join us next time on The Muppet Show.

Fozzie, go backstage,

I still couldn't find the chewing gum,