03x02 - Leo Sayer

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
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Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
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03x02 - Leo Sayer

Post by bunniefuu »

[knocking on door]

Leo Sayer. Fifteen seconds
to curtain, Mr. Sayer.

Thank you, Scooter.

I don't really believe
this is The Muppet Show.

It's so quiet here.

- You can hear a pin drop.
- [bowling ball rolling]

- [laughing]
- Strike!

Now I believe it's
The Muppet Show.

[drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special
guest star, Leo Sayer. Yay!

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

Come back here,
Statler.

If I have to stay and
watch this, so do you.

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
Inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪

- [explosions]
- [trumpet squeak]

My teeth!

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

We're very excited about
tonight's guest star

because it's not very often we
have any good rock on the show.

Yeah! We rocks
are pretty upset by it.

Uh, I suppose that's true.

I guess we've been
taking you for granite.

- [grunts]
- [groans]

Just my luck, a rock
with no sense of humor.

Get out of here.
OK, as I was trying to say,

here is one of the truly great
stars of rock music,

the delightful Mr. Leo Sayer,
who makes us feel like dancing.

[♪ You Make Me
Feel Like Dancing]

♪ You've got a
cute way of talkin' ♪

♪ You've got the better of me ♪

♪ Just snap your fingers
and I'm walking ♪

♪ Like a dog
hanging on your lead ♪

♪ I'm in a spin, you know
Shaking on a string, you know ♪

♪ You make me feel
like dancing ♪

♪ I want to dance
the night away ♪

♪ You make me feel
like dancing ♪

♪ I'm gonna dance
the night away ♪

♪ You make me feel
like dancing ♪

♪ I feel like dancing, dancing
Dance the night away ♪

♪ I feel like
dancing, dancing ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Quarter to four
in the morning ♪

♪ I ain't feelin' tired
No, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Just hold me tight
And leave on the light ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't
want to go home ♪

♪ You've put a spell on me ♪

♪ I'm right where
you want me to be ♪

♪ You make me feel
like dancing ♪

♪ I want to dance
the night away ♪

♪ You make me feel
like dancing ♪

♪ I want to dance
the night away ♪

♪ You make me feel
like dancing ♪

♪ I feel like
dancing, dancing ♪

♪ Dance the night away ♪

♪ I feel like dancing, dancing
Dance the night away ♪

♪ I feel like dancing, dancing
Dance the night away ♪

♪ I feel like dancing
Dancing ♪ [vocalizing]

[birds vocalizing]

♪ But if you let me stay
We'll dance our lives away ♪

♪ You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance my life away ♪

♪ You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance my life away ♪

♪ You make me
feel like dancing ♪

♪ I'm gonna dance
my life away ♪

- ♪ I feel like dancing ♪
- ♪ Make me feel like dancing ♪

- ♪ I'm gonna dance
my life away ♪ - ♪ You make me feel ♪

- ♪ You make me feel
like dancing ♪ - ♪ Just like dancing ♪

♪ I'm gonna dance
my life away ♪

There's something
about him

reminds me of me
when I was young.

- What is it?
- Mainly his age.

OK, strike that set.
Set up the next number.

- Uh, Kermie.
- Hmm?

May I ask you
what is this

Carbon Paper number
coming up next?

Oh, yeah. That's a song
that Annie Sue is doing.

She's a girl singer.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
I see, I see.

Yeah, but she's not at all
like you, Miss Piggy.

Oh, of course not,
Kermie.

You said she was a girl singer.
I am a woman singer.

Yeah, yeah.
That is true.

So, uh, what is, uh...
what is she, a chicken?

A, what, a goat?
She's not a frog, is she?

Uh, no, no, she's a...
[stammers]

She's a...
She's a... a pig.

- What?
- She's a pig.

Another girl
pig singer?!

- Yeah, but you're a woman.
- Forget that! Who cares?

Yeah, but like I say,
she's nothing like you.

- She's very young...
- What?!?

She's just a kid.
She's very inexperienced.

She's just learning the
business, Miss Piggy.

Mm-hmm. I have
some things to do.

Hello, sir.
Do I look all right?

Oh, Annie Sue,
you look wonderful.

Oh, good.

- Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy?
- What?

Uh, would you like
to say hello to Annie Sue?

Oh. [chuckles]
Hello, Annabel.

Miss Piggy!
How do you do, ma'am?

Yes, if you'll
both excuse me.

- She had some things to do.
- [crashing and yelling]

It sounds like
she's doing them now.

- I better go introduce you.
- Oh, sure.

[Miss Piggy yelling]

And now, here to entertain you,

the Muppets' delightful
little lady of song...

- [plates breaking]
- [Miss Piggy yelling, muffled]

Uh, that is, one of the Muppets'
delightful ladies of song,

uh, Miss Annie Sue.

[♪ Carbon Paper]

♪ You put a piece of
carbon paper under your heart ♪

♪ And gave me just
a copy of your love ♪

♪ Each dove and pigeon'll
know who got the original ♪

♪ Darling, can't you see
what you mean to me ♪

♪ Oh, how you
fooled me with those ♪

♪ Giggles, winks and nudges ♪

♪ The love that you gave me
was a duplicate with smudges ♪

♪ 'Cause you put
a piece of carbon paper ♪

♪ Under your heart ♪

♪ And gave me just a copy... ♪
Here we go, everybody!

[tapping]

♪ Oh, how you
fooled me with those ♪

♪ Giggles, winks and nudges ♪

♪ The love that you gave me
was a duplicate with smudges ♪

♪ 'Cause you put a piece of ♪

♪ Carbon paper
under your heart ♪

♪ And gave me just a copy of ♪

♪ Gave me just a
second sheet of love ♪

[applause]

Terrific!
I love her.

That little bundle of
talent's the only thing

that'll keep
this show going.

Shall we sh**t her now
before she ruins everything?

Hey, that was terrific,
Annie Sue.

Oh, thank you, sir.
I was so nervous.

Oh, you were
wonderful.

The audience loved you.
You were a smash.

Oh, thank you, sir!

Speaking of smash.

Uh, Miss Piggy, you know
that dramatic recitation

you've always
wanted to do?

- Of course.
- I want you to do it now.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I had the stage all set up
out there for you.

Oh, Kermit! I'll...

- Which side did she
kiss you on? - This one over here.

- [applause]
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

- Kermie, it's beautiful.
- [loud piano chord]

Oh. Ahem. The Daffodils
by William Wordsworth.

[playing piano]

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high
o'er vales and hills

- [sneezes]
- [clears throat] Excuse me.

When all at once I saw a crowd

- A host of golden daffodils
- Aah-choo!

- Sorry.
- Ahem.

Beside the lake...
Aah-aah-choo!

Ahem. Beside the tree...
Aah, aah... Aah-choo!

Aah... aah... aah-choo!

Uh, please excuse me, it's
the flow... Aah... aah-choo!

[all sneezing]

Kermit!

All right,
where is El Slimo?

Who put the sneezing powder
in the flowers?

And what do you have
to say for yourself?

[sneezes]

[♪ The Show Must Go On]

♪ Baby, although I chose
this lonely life ♪

♪ It seems it's
strangling me now ♪

♪ And all the wild men
Big cigars, gigantic cars ♪

♪ They're all
laughing at me now, ha! ♪

♪ Oh, I've been used
Oh, so used ♪

♪ Oh, I've been a fool
Oh, what a fool ♪

♪ And I broke all the rules
I broke all the rules ♪

♪ But I won't let
the show go on ♪

♪ Baby, look, there's
an enormous crowd of people ♪

♪ And they're all
after my blood ♪

♪ I wish maybe they could
tear down the walls ♪

♪ Of this Muppet Theater ♪

♪ And let me out
Oh, let me out ♪

♪ But I've been blind
Oh, so blind ♪

♪ Wasting my time ♪

♪ Wasted, wasted
Oh, so much time ♪

♪ Walking on the wire
High wire ♪

♪ But I won't let
the show go on ♪

[scat singing]

♪ Baby, I wish
you'd help me escape ♪

♪ And help me get away ♪

♪ Leave me outside my address ♪

♪ Far away
from this masquerade ♪

♪ Masquerade! ♪

♪ I've been used
Oh, so used ♪

♪ I've been a fool
Oh, what a fool ♪

♪ I broke all the rules
I've been used, oh, misused ♪

♪ But I won't let
the show go... What'd I say ♪

♪ I won't let the show ♪

♪ I won't let the show go on ♪

[applause]

[♪ She Was One
Of The Early Birds]

♪ It was at the matinee ♪

♪ Sweet Mabel and I did meet ♪

♪ She was in the
ballet front row ♪

♪ And I in a balcony seat ♪

♪ She was one of those
Dickey birds ♪

♪ Beautiful wings she had on ♪

♪ Figure divine
Wish she were mine ♪

♪ On her I was totally gone ♪

♪ She was a dear little
Dickey bird ♪

- [trills]
- ♪ She went humming-humming sweetly ♪

♪ She sang to me
till all my money was spent ♪

- [trills]
- ♪ Then she went off-song ♪

- [clucks]
- ♪ We parted on fighting terms ♪

♪ She was one of the
early birds ♪

♪ And I was one of the worms ♪

- ♪ She was a dear little
Dickey bird ♪ - [birds singing and chirping]

♪ She went
three-four-five-six sweetly ♪

♪ She sang to me
till all my money was spent ♪

♪ Then she went off-song ♪

[off-key cluck]

♪ We parted on fighting terms ♪

♪ She was one of the
early birds ♪

♪ And I was one of the worms ♪

[chirping and whistling]

♪ She was one of the
early birds ♪

♪ And I was one of the worms ♪

[applause]

- Hey, Leo!
- Hey, Dr. Teeth!

Hey, that last number
was terrific.

Thank you, Dr. Teeth.

But you know,
it sounded good,

but it wasn't the
arrangement I sent in.

Oh, yeah, your arrangements
came yesterday,

Animal had 'em for lunch.

He ate my arrangements?

He certainly couldn't
read them.

When Animal gets anything
he either hits it or eats it.

No third alternative.

Interesting. Anyway,
it sounded good.

I'd really
like to meet Animal.

Hey, you want to meet Animal?
That's no problem.

- One thing, though.
- What's that?

See that line down there on the
floor? Stand behind that line.

- Stand behind it?
- Yeah. That's perfect.

Hey, Animal!
Come on in here, Animal!

- [Animal] Coming!
- [chains rattling]


Dr. Teeth, why do I have
to stand behind the line?

That's how far
his chain reaches.

- [Animal] Leo Sayer!
- [screams]

- Aah! It's Animal!
- Ohh!

[growling] Leo!

- [humming]
- [knock on door]

Entrez.

Uh, excuse me, Miss Piggy,
Annie Sue is outside.

Good. She can
stay there.

Aw. Listen, Miss Piggy, she just
has something to say to you.

Why don't you be nice
to her for my sake, OK?

[sighs] All right, Kermie,
I shall be nice to her.

But just pour vous.

- Aw, thank you.
- Send in the little twerp.

- I'll be nice.
- OK.

Oh, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss
Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy!

- All right.
- Oh, I can't believe it.

Here I am, face to face
with a real superstar.

I can actually
reach out and touch you.

[growls]

- But I won't.
- Good.

I never thought
it could happen.

I've been an admirer of yours
ever since I was a little baby.

Oh!

It was so nice of you
to open your door to me.

Well, [chuckles] we must
do it again sometime, my dear.

- Oh, when?
- Well, right now.

Do drop in again sometime.

And put the star
back on the door!

[fanfare plays]

OK, moving right along,
we bring you a few slick tricks

with our resident hick,
Mr. Fozzie Bear!

[orchestra plays]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Love you! Love you!

Nothing. OK.

Uh, with the help of my lovely
assistant, Miss Annie Sue Pig...

[applause]

Oh, sure, now, yeah.

Uh, I will astonish
you all with, uh...

Oh, I forgot what
I was gonna do.

Oh, yes!
A memory act!

Aah-ha!
How can I forget?

Yes, with the help of my lovely
assistant, Annie... Annie...

Oh, help.
Annie Thing Pig here, yes,

I shall now demonstrate
my remarkable, nay, photographic memory.

Hey, what's a
photographic memory?

In your case, a memory
that needs developing.

[both chuckling]

Uh, yeah. Now I shall
now ask, uh, Annie...

Hoo-Hah Pig here,
uh, to close her eyes

and then I shall describe
what she is wearing.

No! Uh, I... I...

No, I will
close my eyes

and then, uh,
she will...

I will describe
what she is... Uh, no...

How about we close our eyes and
catch some well-earned sleep?

No, no, I got it,
listen. Listen.

Uh, Miss...
Miss, uh...

Thing-Annie-Thing-Thing
here... Yes, yes.

Uh, she will describe what
somebody here is wearing, yeah,

and with my eyes shut,
I will remember where

that person is sitting.

- Drumroll.
- [drumroll plays]

OK, do it.

OK, the mystery person
is wearing a little brown hat...

- Yep. Yep.
- ...a white bowtie...

- ...with red polka dots.
- Yep. Uh...

- Well, so, is that
all he's wearing? - Yeah.

[scoffs]
That's ridiculous.

I mean, that means apart
from a hat and a tie, he's bare.

- That's right!
- It is?

- It's you!
- It's me? Of course it's me!

Oh, yes, thank you!
Yes, yes. Thank you.

OK, standby for
Leo's last number.

Oh, Kermit,
I am so embarrassed.

- I forgot everything out there.
- Don't worry. They loved her.

- Who?
- Your assistant, Annie Sue.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. See?

See, it's
getting worse. Uh-huh.

- They seemed to like it.
- You were wonderful, Annie Sue.

Oh, thank you,
Kermit, sir,

but I really
didn't do that much.

Well, you saved Fozzie's act,
that's all.

- Really?
- Sure.

- [gasps]
- Oh!

Beats saying that bear
was in a lot of trouble.

Yeah? Well, now,
it's the frog's turn!

Hii-yaah!

- Hii-yaah!
- [screaming]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

our very special guest star,
Mr. Leo Sayer.

[♪ When I Need You]

♪ When I need you ♪

♪ I just close my eyes
and I'm with you ♪

♪ And all that
I so want to give you ♪

♪ It's only a heartbeat away ♪

♪ When I need love ♪

♪ I hold out my hands ♪

♪ And I touch love ♪

♪ I never knew
there was so much love ♪

♪ Keepin' me warm
night and day ♪

♪ Miles and miles of empty
space in between us ♪

♪ A telephone can take
the place of your smile ♪

♪ But you know
I won't be traveling forever ♪

♪ It's cold out, but hold out ♪

♪ And do like I do ♪

♪ When I need you ♪

♪ I just close my eyes
and I'm with you ♪

♪ And all that I
so want to give you ♪

♪ It's only a heartbeat away ♪

♪ It's not easy
when the road is your driver ♪

♪ Honey, that's a heavy load
that we bear ♪

♪ But you know I won't be
traveling a lifetime ♪

♪ It's cold out, so hold out ♪

♪ And do like I do ♪

♪ Oh, I need you ♪

[growls]

[cackling]

♪ When I need love ♪

♪ I hold out my hands
and I touch love ♪

♪ I never knew
there was so much love ♪

♪ Keeping me warm
night and day ♪

♪ When I need you ♪

[vocalizing]

[applause]

Well, guys, we started
at the beginning

and we've come to the end.

So right now let us have a warm
thank you to Mr. Leo Sayer! Yay!

I loved it!

Thanks, Kermit.
It was just wonderful.

Leo, Leo, I just
want you to know...

Excuse me, pig.

...you're a
wonderful singer... Leo?

Oh, Annie Sue.
You were wonderful.

You know, you'll be
a big showbiz star.

- I really feel.
- Oh, thanks, Mr. Sayer.

Annabel, Annabel,
take a bow.

Good. Now just stand over there,
where you won't get hurt.

Uh, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

That was an amazing mess
of mediocre mediocrity.

- You can say that again.
- Wanna bet?
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