03x06 - Jean Stapleton

[bunniefuu]

[knocking on door]

Jean Stapleton, 30 seconds
to curtain, Miss Stapleton.

Thank you.

- Good luck, Miss Stapleton.
- Good luck, Miss Stapleton.

Thank you.
Thank you.

There's just one thing
I've got to remember.

I am normal.

[gasps] Jean,
get a grip on yourself.

Oh, no,
I didn't mean that!

No, please!

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show
with our very special guest star,

Miss Jean Stapleton! Yay!

[cheering and applause]

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

- Think we'll be
entertained tonight? - I will. I brought a book.

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most
sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪

[gasps]

- [applause]
- Thank you, thank you.

Welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

The show they said would
never get off the ground.

Uh, they were right.

But we are fortunate enough

to have with us
as our special guest,

a wonderful actress
and television star,

Miss Jean Stapleton.

- Kermit, excuse me, excuse me.
- What is it, Fozzie?

- I gotta tell you
what happened. - Mm-hmm.

[stammers] When we were
booking Jean for the show,

I was expecting a call
from my tailor.

- Your tailor?
- Yeah.

When a guy phoned and asked me
if I liked Jean Stapleton

I said that
I don't wear jeans

and I certainly wouldn't
want them stapled on.

Stapled on.

Jeans... ears.

[groans] Help me.

Is it too late to go
into hibernation?

- Yes, by about two minutes.
- Gotcha.

Well, we'd like to get
the show off to a great start,

but having failed that,
let's head for the border!

[♪ Tico Tico]

♪ Tico Tico, Tico Tico Tock ♪

♪ Tico Tico, he's the cuckoo
in my clock ♪

♪ And when he says "cuckoo"
he means it's time to woo ♪

♪ It's Tico time for all
the lovers on the block ♪

♪ I've got a heavy date
A tête-à-tête at eight ♪

♪ So speak, oh, Tico,
tell me if it's getting late ♪

♪ If I'm on time, cuckoo
But if I'm late, woo-woo ♪

♪ The one my heart is gone to
may not want to wait ♪

♪ For just a birdie
and a birdie who goes nowhere ♪

♪ He knows of every lover's
lane and how to go there ♪

♪ For in affairs of the heart
my Tico's terribly smart ♪

♪ He tells me, "Gently
sentimentally at the start!" ♪

♪ Oh, we hear the little
Tico Tico calling ♪

♪ Because the time is right
and shades of night are falling ♪

♪ I love that not-so-cuckoo
cuckoo in the clock ♪

♪ Tico Tico Tico Tico
Tico Tock ♪

[all trilling, shouting]

♪ For just a birdie and
a birdie who goes nowhere ♪

♪ He knows of every lover's
lane and how to go there ♪

♪ For in affairs of the heart
My Tico's terribly smart ♪

♪ He tells me, "Gently
sentimentally at the start!" ♪

♪ Oh, we hear the little
Tico Tico calling ♪

♪ Because the time is right
and shades of night are falling ♪

♪ I love that not-so-cuckoo
cuckoo in the clock ♪

♪ She loves that not-so-cuckoo
cuckoo in the clock ♪

♪ Tico Tico Tico Tico
Tico Tock ♪

[all cheering]

Am I crazy
or was that good?

You're crazy.

I thought so.

- OK, nice number.
- [indistinct chatter]

Tico Tico. Ahh.

No pictures
backstage. Out, out!

Buenos días,
Señor Kermit.

Gonzo, you weren't
in that last number.

No. I'm learning Spanish
for my new act.

- Oh, OK.
- Yeah, you have to learn Spanish

if you're gonna train
Mexican jumping beans.

- Uh, makes sense.
- Gracias.

- I'm gonna go rehearse now.
- Great. Adiós.

What?

- Uh, goodbye.
- Oh, goodbye.

- Adiós. Whatever.
- [snickering]

Kermit, look!

They're gone! My Mexican
jumping beans were in this dish and they're gone!

Well, maybe, uh,
somebody ate them.

Ate my stars? Kermit.

- It wasn't you, was it?
- Uh, no, Gonzo, it wasn't me.

I know how to find out.
All I have to do is say "Arriba."

- Ah! Ah!
- Arriba.

- Arriba.
- Ah!

- Animal! Come back here!
- What?

You ate my stars!

Animal, you gotta get
on stage for the band!

[both shouting]

Arriba! Arriba!

Arriba!

[groans] I hope he doesn't
eat my waltzing walnuts.

[dish breaks]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for our
special guest star,

comedian, actress, singer
and very nice lady,

Miss Jean Stapleton.

[band plays orchestral music]

Uh, gentlemen, lady...

- What?
- What seems to be the problem, Jean?

Well, uh, that music,

it doesn't seem to be
the right music.

- May I see it, please?
- It seems normal to me.

Yeah, just your ordinary,

very elaborate
pretentious orchestration.

- What's it called?
- Elaborate Pretensions for Orchestras.

Uh, couldn't we just do
that nice, simple piece?

Well, how about a nice,
simple Latin American riff?

- [hums a tune]
- Arriba!

- No Latin stuff tonight.
- No. No, thank you.

It's that sweet, simple duet
that I rehearsed with Fozzie.

- Where is Fozzie?
- I know how that one goes.

- It goes like this...
- [piano plays]

Oh, yes. Thank you. That's it.

[♪ Play a Simple Melody]

♪ Won't you play ♪

♪ A simple melody ♪

♪ Like my mother ♪

♪ Sang to me ♪

♪ One with good
old-fashioned ♪

♪ Harmony ♪

♪ Play a simple ♪

♪ Melody ♪

- Fozzie? Fozzie?
- Here I am, Jean.

- You forgot something.
- Oh, I never forget.

- Where's your ukulele?
- Oh, I forgot!

You're a dingbat.

I was only kidding. Go!

♪ Musical demon
Set your honey a-dreamin' ♪

♪ Won't you play me
some rag ♪

♪ Just change
that classical nag ♪

♪ To some sweet
beautiful drag ♪

♪ If you will play
from a copy ♪

♪ Of a tune
that is choppy ♪

♪ You'll get
all my applause ♪

♪ And that is
simply because ♪

♪ I want to listen to rag ♪

♪ Musical demon
Set your honey a-dreamin' ♪

- ♪ Won't you
play me some rag ♪ - ♪ Play a simple melody ♪

- ♪ Just change
that classical nag ♪ - ♪ Like my mother ♪

- ♪ To some sweet
beautiful drag ♪ - ♪ Sang to me ♪

- ♪ If you will play
from a copy ♪ - ♪ One with ♪

- ♪ Of a tune that is choppy ♪
- ♪ Good old-fashioned ♪

- ♪ You'll get
all my applause ♪ - ♪ Harmony ♪

- ♪ That is simply because ♪
- ♪ Play a simple ♪

- ♪ I want to listen to rag ♪
- ♪ Melody ♪

Come on, everybody!
Sing!

♪ Musical demon
Set your honey a-dreamin' ♪

- ♪ Won't you
play me some rag ♪ - ♪ Play a simple melody ♪

- ♪ Just change
that classical nag ♪ - ♪ Like my mother ♪

- ♪ To some sweet
beautiful drag ♪ - ♪ Sang to me ♪

- ♪ If you will play
from a copy ♪ - ♪ One with ♪

- ♪ Of a tune that is choppy ♪
- ♪ Good old-fashioned ♪

- ♪ You'll get
all my applause ♪ - ♪ Harmony ♪

- ♪ That is simply because ♪
- ♪ Play a simple ♪

- ♪ I want to listen to rag ♪
- ♪ Melody ♪

- Now you!
- ♪ I want to listen to rag ♪

Me!
♪ I want to listen to rag ♪

- Now everyone!
- ♪ I want to listen to rag ♪

Boy, that number
was something else!

- You mean it was good?
- No, it was something else.

OK, 13 and 75...

Sandwich!
Here's your sandwich, frog!

- Gladys, I didn't
order a sandwich. - What?!

Look, somebody ordered
a sandwich from the canteen.

Now who was it?

I don't know.
You'll have to ask around.

I'm too busy. You do it.

Gladys, I'm trying
to put on a show.

Well, big deal!

Look, I got a
full grill downstairs.

Got six burgers on, couple
of steaks and two lobsters.

Lobsters? Since when
are they on the menu?

They're not on the menu.
The lobsters ordered the steak!

Why don't you just
leave the sandwich?

It ain't
been paid for yet.

Well, you can
charge it to the show.

- Are you nuts?
- Take it back, sell it to someone else!

Who's gonna buy a walnut
lima bean sandwich?

[groans] Walnut and lima bean,
is that what it is?

- Yeah.
- Gonzo, your lunch is here!

[unintelligible]

- Take it back.
- What's the matter with it?

You forgot the jelly.

Show business!

[music plays]

- Oh, I'm so happy.
- Why is that?

Because we're out
together dancing cheek to cheek to cheek.

Hey, waiter,
can you break a ten?

Certainly.

Don't mention it.

I wish I hadn't.

Oh, I see you don't
have much to say.

- I don't understand that.
- You have to think about it.

Wait a minute!

You've got a fish
sticking out of your ear.

Yes,
it's my herring aid.

- Transistorized?
- No, marinated.

I see you still don't
have much to say.

Um, I've thought about it.
I still don't understand it.

Oh, Laticia,
I love you.

Say, are you
pulling my leg?

No, why?

It just dropped off.

I don't get that either.

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

I would now like to sing
a very pretty little song

accompanied
by my doggy friend.

[♪ Daddy Wouldn't
Buy Me a Bow Wow]

♪ I love my little cat, I do ♪

♪ It's coat is, oh, so warm ♪

♪ It comes each day
with me to school ♪

♪ And sits upon the form ♪

♪ When teacher says
"Why do you bring ♪

♪ That little pet
of yours?" ♪

♪ I tell her
that I bring my cat ♪

♪ Along with me because ♪

- ♪ Daddy wouldn't
buy me a bow wow ♪ - ♪ Bow wow ♪

♪ Daddy wouldn't
buy me a bow wow ♪

♪ Bow wow ♪

♪ I've got a little cat
And I'm very fond of that ♪

♪ But I'd rather have a bow wow
Wow, wow, wow, wow ♪

I can't go on.

It's humiliating to be
called a "bow wow."

But it's only a song,
Rowlf.

I refuse to do it,
Miss Oink Oink.

- Sing, flea bag.
- Uh, yes sir.

♪ I'll be so glad
when I get old ♪

♪ To do just as I please ♪

♪ I'll have a dozen
bow wows then ♪

♪ A parrot and some bees ♪

♪ Whene'er I see
a little pet ♪

♪ I'll kiss the tiny thing ♪

♪ 'Twill remind me of
the time gone by ♪

♪ When I would cry
and sing ♪

- ♪ Daddy wouldn't
buy me a bow wow ♪ - Bark bark.

♪ Daddy wouldn't
buy me a bow wow ♪

- Meow.
- ♪ I've got a little cat ♪

♪ I am very fond of that ♪

♪ But I'd rather have a bow wow
Wow, wow, wow, wow ♪

- ♪ Daddy wouldn't
buy me a bow wow ♪ - Oink oink.

♪ Daddy wouldn't
buy me a bow wow ♪

Bow wow.

♪ I've got a little cat
I am very fond of that ♪

♪ But I'd rather have
a bow wow wow ♪

Uh, Miss Stapleton,

I hope you are
surviving your ordeal

on this unsavory program.

- Oh. [chuckles]
- I mean, you obviously are a woman

whose taste is impeccable.

- Oh, thank you,
but I'm enjoying it. - Hmm.

I'm having a lot of fun.

I guess that means
my taste is, um...

...peckable.

- Peckable. [muttering]
- Oh, speaking of language,

can I ask you a question
about the Swedish Chef?

The Swedish Chef?
[scoffs] What about him?

Well, you all know
around here that he doesn't speak real Swedish?

- He what?!
- No, he doesn't.

He...
Uh, send in the Chef!

Send in the Chef!
Imagine.

All these years,

you mean he has been
speaking mock Swedish?

Don't be too hard on him.

- Well, I have never...
Where is he? - [mock Swedish]

Oh. He said he got here
as soon as he could.

Well... Well, you tell him
that from now...

How do you know
what he said?

Oh, I took a correspondence
course once in mock Swedish.

[speaking mock Swedish]

- Oh, he admits
the whole thing. - Mmm.

- He says he doesn't
speak real Swedish. - Hmm.

Well, you tell him
that this must end.

He must stop speaking
mock Swedish,

and speak honestly
and normally.

Oh, all right.

- [mock Swedish]
- Well...

[speaking mock Swedish]

- Aww.
- What?

He admits the error
of his ways.

And he says from now on

he'll speak only
in his native tongue.

- Mmm. Good.
- [speaks mock Japanese]

What, uh,
what did he say?

[laughs]
Oh, I don't know.

I don't speak
mock Japanese.

Wayne, Deadly and Annie Sue
on stage for the melodrama.

- [growls]
- Miss Piggy, what are you doing here?

You're not even
in the melodrama.

Mm-hmm. You are not
the first to notice.

But Miss Piggy,

I never thought of
putting you in the melodrama.

I thought of putting you
in the hospital.

Uh, yeah, but see you wouldn't
want to be in the melodrama,

it's a small part.

- How small?
- It's a very small part,

and I can't give
a very small part like that

to a big star like you.

Oh, well, hmm...
I see your point.

Yeah, so I thought
I'd give it to Annie Sue.

- She needs experience.
- She needs talent.

Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir,

please don't make me
do the melodrama.

[stammers] But it's your
first chance at a dramatic role.

I know,
but I'm too scared.

Oh, Annie Sue,
you'll be just fine, really.

All right, break!
Give it a rest, frog!

- [stammers]
- Excuse us.

Kermie, it is obvious that
the child is unprofessional.

Annie Sue, go to your room.

[sobbing]

Oh, brother.

- [stammers] But...
- I will save the show, Kermie.

The part
shall be played by moi.

Uh...
by you, Miss Piggy?

Yes.

OK. Hey, guys, tie Piggy
to the railroad tracks.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [shouting]

[piano music]

- [whimpering]
- [evil cackle]

Now, for the last time,
will you marry me?

[audience boos and hisses]

For the last time,
never, you scoundrel!

Oh, where is my hero?

Never fear, my pet,
I will save you.

- [cheering]
- My hero!

Wayne?

Curses, foiled again.

Isn't this
a double-overhand knot?

Yes, it is.

I haven't seen those since
I left the Junior Swamp Scouts.

You were in the
Junior Swamp Scouts, too?

- Troop 37.
- Troop 37?

Junior Swamp Scouts
never blue.

A Junior Swamp Scout's
always true.

Always ready
to save the day.

[both] We're Junior Swamp
Scouts. Hooray, hooray!

- I don't believe this.
- Uh-oh!

You got the double
sheep's head wrong.

- It goes like this.
- You'll suffer for this, guys.

Remember? The rabbit runs
around the tree twice,

and then goes in his hole.

- Oh! Now I get it.
- Who cares?

- There. She'll never
get out of that. - Hey.

- You remember...
- Hey, guys! Hey!

Hey... Oh, that does it!

[grunting]
Where's that frog?

Where's that frog?

Kermit? Kermit, of all
the lousy cheap sh*ts

- you ever pulled on me...
- I know, Miss Piggy. I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
that whole sketch

was going to get
that far out of hand.

- Oh, please forgive me.
- [shouts]

You're forgiven.

- Whoa!
- Wardrobe!

- [sighs]
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

here at Muppet Labs, where
the future is being made today.

[squeaks]

Many people suffer
the embarrassment

of being ridiculously tall
and spindly.

- Isn't that right, Beaker?
- [muttering]

But now comes the
Honeydew shrinking pill.

- [clears throat]
Take one, Beaker. - Hmm.

Not the whole bottle!

- [Beaker whimpers]
- Oh, dear.

Well, I guess that's all
for today from Muppet Labs.

Whoa!

OK, strike the Muppet Lab
set, please.

Kermit, could I see you
for a minute?

- Oh, sure, Jean.
- About this next number,

I really would
rather not do it.

You mean the number with
the pigs dressed as pirates

and the chickens
playing bagpipes

and you dancing
with a seven foot doorknob?

It's just one cliché
after another.

I... I see
what you mean.

I'll tell you what
I'd really like to do.

- What's that?
- Another duet

- with my favorite Muppet.
- Ah, well, that's very nice.

- That's a delightful idea.
- Oh, good, good.

Now where's Crazy Harry?

Crazy Harry?
That's suicidal.

- [crazy laugh]
- There you are, you cute thing.

Jean, I don't know
what you're planning to do

but whatever it is,
it is not safe.

Oh, no, this is
a wonderful idea.

It's a musical number.

- A musical number?
- Yes, yes.

Well... I guess as long
as it's musical, it's OK.

Oh! You darling!

Now listen,
is the boiler set up?

- It's beautiful.
- Great. Go ahead, get ready.

- The boiler?
- I'll get up the steam.

I didn't know Crazy Harry
played a musical instrument.

- Oh, yes.
- Which one?

The explodaphone.

Explodaphone?
Jean, you could get k*lled!

Oh, Kermit, listen.
I'm not new to this business.

- I've been all over the world.
- You might be again.

Listen, don't worry.
You're gonna love it.

[stammers] Well, I may not
love it, but I'll introduce it.

- [band plays fanfare]
- Uh, and now, once again,

here she is, taking her life
into her own hands

and throwing it away,

ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Jean Stapleton.

[♪ I'm Just Wild About Harry]

♪ I'm just wild about Harry ♪

Oh!

♪ And Harry's wild about me ♪

♪ The heavenly blisses
of his kisses ♪

♪ Fill me with ecstasy ♪ Oh!

♪ He's sweet just like
chocolate candy ♪

♪ And just like honey
from the bee ♪ Whoo-hoo!

♪ Oh, I'm just
wild about Harry ♪

♪ And he's just wild about ♪

♪ Oh! He cannot do without ♪

♪ He's just wild about me ♪

♪ He's sweet just like
chocolate candy ♪

♪ And sweet as honey
from the bee ♪

♪ Oh, I'm just wild
about Harry ♪

♪ And Harry's wild about ♪

♪ Cannot do without ♪

♪ Harry's wild about ♪

♪ Me ♪

Thank you! Well, those of you
with nervous dispositions

will be very happy
to know that we have reached

the end of The Muppet Show.

But, before we go, let us
have a warm thank you

for our courageous guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Jean Stapleton. Yay!

Thank you, Kermit.
I really got a kick out of it.

Did someone say
"Kick out of it?"

- [all shout]
- [crazy laugh]

Harry, you're not supposed
to set those off

if somebody says
just anything.

Did someone say
"Just anything?"

Oh, help. Good night.

Did someone say
"Help, good night?"

No!

- I liked that last number.
- What did you like about it?

It was the last number.