03x07 - Alice Cooper

[bunniefuu]

[knocking on door]

Alice Cooper, 15 seconds
to curtain, Mr. Cooper.

Ready whenever you say, Scooter.

[creatures hissing,
snickering]

Uh, sir, I think there's
something you should know.

- Yes.
- These monsters aren't ours.

I know. They're mine.

[Scooter howls]

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with
our very special guest star,

Alice Cooper!
Yay! [shudders]

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

You've gotta admit,
the opening is catchy.

So is smallpox.

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
Inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

[applause]

Hi there, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

Tonight, our special guest star

is one of the world's
most talented,

but frightening performers,
Alice Cooper.

So, beware of
ghoulies and ghosties

and long-legged beasties
and things that go bump in the night.

- [creaking]
- [Kermit shrieks]

- [thudding, chains rattling]
- That does it! I'm leaving!

- Here's Alice Cooper.
- [applause]

[♪ Welcome To My Nightmare]

♪ Welcome to my nightmare ♪

♪ I think you're
gonna like it ♪

♪ I think you're gonna feel ♪

- ♪ You belong ♪
- [giggling]

♪ Welcome to my nightmare ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Welcome to my breakdown ♪

♪ I hope I didn't scare you ♪

♪ That's just the way we are
when we come down ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ We sweat and laugh
and scream here ♪

[thunderclap]

♪ 'Cause life
is just a dream here ♪

♪ You know inside you feel ♪

♪ Right at home ♪

♪ Here ♪

♪ Welcome to my breakdown
Yeah ♪

[thunderclap]

♪ Welcome to my nightmare
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Welcome to my nightmare ♪

♪ I think you're
gonna like it ♪

♪ I think you're
gonna feel you belong ♪

♪ Welcome to my nightmare
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Welcome to my nightmare
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Welcome to my nightmare
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Where do you suppose
he got the name Alice?

It's a family name. He was
named after a maiden uncle.

[both laugh]

[creatures mumbling]

Hey, it wasn't spooky like this
when Julie Andrews did the show.

Let's see, what's next?

William Tell act onstage,
you guys.

Come on, move it! Move it!

[stuttering] Don't shout!
It makes me n... n... nervous.

- OK, way to go, Alice.
- Oh, thank you, Kermit.

It must be great
to be a rock star.

Oh, would you
like to be a rock star?

Uh, well, uh, yeah, sure,
love to be a rock star.

Well, then,
just sign this contract.

Contract?

Uh, yes, I have a friend
that runs a service.

He could guarantee
to make you a rock star.

Yeah, well, when I said
I wanted to be a rock star,

I was sort of half kidding.

I mean, well, I'd like
to be an astronaut too.

Well, then, just cross out
the word "rock star"

and write in "astronaut."

I don't think I want
anything to do with this.

It looks like you're
stuck with it, doesn't it?

- Just read it over anyways.
- [whimpers]

Oh, he must be kidding.

Why, how can he guarantee that?
And what must it cost?

[cackle echoing]
Not a penny... Just your soul.

I... I... I'm sure
I didn't hear that, or see it.

- [whirring sound, thud]
- [man] Ouch!

But that I heard.

You just can't move
when I'm sh**ting.

I've told you that
a thousand times.

Well, you know me:
In one ear and out the other.

Weird, weird show.

[clears throat]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,

here at Muppet Labs, where
the future is being made, today.

- [squeaks]
- Well, [clears throat]

our latest development
is the germ enlarger.

For years, scientists have had
to study teensy weensy germs

under a
powerful microscope.

But now, the germ enlarger
makes the microscope obsolete.

[crashing]

- Comes out of your pay, Beaker.
- [whimpering]

Here, in this dish, is isolated
a sample of the deadly germ

skeptococcus
yuchotherium.

Now, watch what happens
when Beaker adds

one drop of germ enlarger.

[whimpering]

[screaming]

Notice how easy it is, now,
for Beaker to study that germ.

And vice versa.

That's all, for now, from
Muppet Labs. Well, Beaker...

Hmm.

[Beaker whimpering]

Bunsen, that germ
better not be contagious.

[snickering]

"...party of the first part

guarantees to give party
of the second part

fabulous riches
and worldwide fame."

Kermit, what is this contract?

Oh, that...
Oh, that...

That just belongs to Alice.
That's, uh...

- You know the Faust story?
- No.

OK, well, you see, Faust
sold his soul to the Devil

and in return, became
very rich and very famous,

and Alice says that this is
that kind of a contract.

Really? Where do I sign?!

I've gotta get a pen.
Hey, give me a pen.

I'll give you
a chicken for it.

I'll give you all
my chickens for a pen!

I'd sell my soul for a pen!

No, I have other plans for that.

A pen! I gotta have a pen!

Somebody! Fozzie! Scooter!

Ooh! I've never known
a toothache this bad before.

[all] He's never known
a toothache this bad before.

It's like having toothache
all over my body.

[all] It's like having toothache
all over his body.

- And another thing.
- [all] And another thing.

I keep hearing voices.

[no audio]

- And what's worse...
- [all] And what's worse...

...the echo
is often incorrect.

[all babbling indistinctly]

Shh.

And sometimes...

[all] And sometimes it says

what I'm going to say
before I've said it.

...it says
what I'm going to s...

Yeah, well...

[all] Yeah, well, none of this
is helping my toothache.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

[deep voice] Pity you couldn't
take the teeth as well.

Who was that?

[all] Don't look at us.

Whoa!

I've never known
a toothache this bad before.

[all] He's never known
a toothache this bad before.

It's like having toothache
all over my body.

[all] It's like having toothache
all over... [fades out]

[tooth] And another...

- Mr. Cooper.
- Yes.

I don't believe it.

[clears throat] Let me
come right to the point.

You, sir, are a demented,
sick, degenerate,

barbaric, naughty...

...freako.

Why, thank you.

Freakos: One,
Civilization: Zero.

Who ordered the
spider sandwich?

Uh, oh, Gladys,
this show is so weird tonight.

I'm gonna stay right
down here in the canteen

- with these clean-cut kids.
- [laughing]

[sighing] Why can't we have one
thing nice on this show tonight?

[♪ Over the Rainbow]

[birds chirping]

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Over the rainbow ♪

♪ Way up high ♪

♪ There's a land ♪

♪ That I heard of ♪

♪ Once in a lullaby ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Over the rainbow ♪

♪ Skies are blue ♪

♪ And the ♪

♪ Dreams that
you dare to dream ♪

♪ Really do come true ♪

♪ Someday I'll
wish upon a star ♪

♪ And wake up where
the clouds are far ♪

♪ Behind me ♪

♪ Where troubles melt
like lemon drops ♪

♪ Away above the chimney tops ♪

♪ That's where you'll ♪

♪ Find me ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Over the rainbow ♪

♪ Bluebirds fly ♪

♪ Birds fly ♪

♪ Over the rainbow ♪

♪ Why then, oh, why can't I? ♪

♪ If happy little
bluebirds fly ♪

♪ Beyond the rainbow ♪

♪ Why, oh, why ♪

♪ Can't I? ♪

Oh, boy, this is a spooky show.

- [creaking]
- [gasps]

[mumbling, gasps]

Think about that, folks.

Not you.

[gasps] Huh?

[gasping]

[gasping]

[howling]

[♪ Once a Year Day]

- ♪ This is my... ♪
- ♪ Once a year day ♪

♪ Once a year day
Felt the morning sun and knew that ♪

- ♪ This was my... ♪
- ♪ Once a year day ♪

♪ Once a year day ♪

♪ Even got a
kiss from you ♪

♪ I feel like hopping up
and down like a kangaroo ♪

♪ Jumping fences
climbing trees ♪

♪ What pleases me is what
I'll do ♪

- ♪ 'Cause this is my ♪
- ♪ Once a year day ♪

♪ Once a year day ♪

♪ Everyone's entitled
to be wild ♪

- ♪ Be a child ♪
- ♪ Be a goof ♪

♪ Raise the roof ♪

♪ Once a year ♪

[humming]

♪ This is my once a year day ♪

♪ Once a year day ♪

♪ Felt the morning sun
and knew that ♪

♪ This was my once a year day ♪

♪ Once a year day ♪

♪ Everyone's entitled
to be wild ♪

♪ Be a child
Be a goof, raise the roof ♪

♪ Once a year ♪

And, with the power
vested in me,

I have touched you
and made you beautiful.

Let no man call you ugly.

With me at your side,

we will lead a life
of eternal happiness.

[♪ You And Me]

♪ When I get home from work
wanna wrap myself around you ♪

♪ I wanna take you
squeeze you ♪

♪ Till the passion
starts to rise ♪

♪ I'd like to
take you to heaven ♪

♪ That would
make my day complete ♪

♪ But you and me
ain't no movie stars ♪

♪ What we are is what we are ♪

♪ We share a bed, some lovin' ♪

♪ And TV ♪

♪ And that's enough
for a workin' man ♪

♪ What I am is what I am ♪

♪ I tell you, baby
You're just enough for me ♪

♪ Sometimes
when you're asleep ♪

♪ And I'm just
staring at the ceiling ♪

♪ I wanna reach out
and touch you ♪

♪ But you just
go on dreamin' ♪

♪ I'd like to
take you to heaven ♪

♪ That would make
my day complete ♪

♪ But you and me
ain't no superstars ♪

♪ What we are is what we are ♪

♪ We share a bed
some popcorn ♪

♪ And TV ♪

♪ And that's enough
for a workin' man ♪

♪ What I am is what I am ♪

♪ I tell you, baby
You're just enough for me ♪

♪ I tell you, baby
You're just enough for me ♪

Excuse...
Hey, who turned off the lights?

Miss Piggy wanted onstage
for Pigs in Space.

[door shuts]

[Miss Piggy's voice]
I'll be right there.

[clears throat] Pardon moi,
Alicimo.

[clears throat]

[screams]

What? What the...? Hey!

All right, listen,
Cooper, the deal is off!

Make with the magic!

- Oh, all right.
- All right!

Oh, all right, all right!
That's better!

You can tell your man I wouldn't
sell you my soul if you paid me!

Creep!

[door slams]

- [electrical distortion]
- Yeah, hello, boss?

No, no, I didn't make a sale.

Uh, listen, do I get any
commission on hourly rentals?

[sighs] Touchy.

[announcer] And now,
Pigs in Space!

When we last saw
the spaceship, Swinetrek,

Captain Link Hog Throb

was suffering from
a mysterious space disease.

- [Miss Piggy] Oh!
- First Mate Piggy,

help me move Link back
to the electro cosmotron.

Yes! Yes!

[Miss Piggy
and Dr. Strangepork groan]

[Link moaning]

It's like King Kong.

Easy, yeah, good, good.

- Whew!
- Oh, doctor, does he stand a chance?

Well, I hesitate
to try this shock treatment.

It's very dangerous,
and it could k*ll him.

Oh! Is there
no alternative?

Well, you could give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

You connect the wires,
I'll throw the switch.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Ready?

So... just...
Now, all connected.

Three... two...
one... [groans]

[electrical buzzing]

Hey... what...

Oh! Look, Dr. Strangepork,
he's coming around.

Yes, it worked! Turn it off now,
First Mate Piggy.

- Yes.
- [buzzing stops]

Uh, Dr. Strangepork,
what happened?

Oh, just temporary, Link.

I said turn it off!

Uh... I did!

Uh-oh.
Sorry, Link.

But look at me. I'm just
a shell of my former self.

But, uh...
But, uh, uh...

- You're much more interesting.
- Mmm?

No, I think
he looks weird.

Of course he looks weird.

I'm just trying to
make him feel better, dummo.

Huh. Do you really think
I look more interesting?

Yes, dear.

Well, in that case,
how about a little kissy kissy.

- What?!
- Hmm?

- [smooching]
- [Miss Piggy groaning]

Look what you did!
[gasps]

Funny, I look more interesting,
but you look weird.

- [snickering]
- Hey, shut up, Strangepork!

I'll do
something to help

as soon as I can
stop laughing. [laughs]

Oh, yeah?
Well, stop this!

Hi-yah!

Oh, no! Swinekopf,
look what you've done to me!

[all shouting]

[announcer] Tune in next week,
but I'm sure you'll be able

to find something better
to watch than

Pigs in Space!

Yeah... What did
you think of that?

- Out of sight.
- You mean you liked it?

No, it was out of sight.
I had my eyes closed.

And now, for one last time,
Alice Cooper.

[♪ School's Out]

♪ Well, we got no choice ♪

♪ All the girls and boys ♪

♪ Makin' all that noise ♪

♪ 'Cause they found new toys ♪

♪ Well, we can't salute ya
Can't find a flag ♪

♪ If that don't suit ya
That's a drag ♪

♪ School's out for summer ♪

♪ School's out forever ♪

♪ School's been
blown to pieces ♪

♪ No more pencils ♪

♪ No more books ♪

♪ No more teacher's ♪

♪ Dirty looks ♪

[all laughing]

♪ Well, we got no class ♪

♪ And we got no principles ♪

♪ And we got no innocence ♪

♪ We can't even think
of a word that rhymes ♪

♪ School's out forever ♪

♪ School's out for summer ♪

♪ School's out with fever ♪

♪ My school's been blown ♪

♪ To pieces ♪

Well, it's been a little
strange tonight, even for us,

but before we all go home
and hide under the bed,

uh, let us bring out our very
special guest, Alice Cooper!

[applause]

What a great show!

[chattering indistinctly]

Kermit, it's been
a real pleasure.

[thunderous rumbling]

[Gonzo] This is
the voice of doom!

Sounds more like
the voice of Gonzo.

[all gasping]

Gonzo, is that
the contract with the devil?

Uh, no,
it's worse than that.

This is the bill
from Special Effects.

[all groaning]

I don't want to
think about it.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

So that was
Alice Cooper?

You should see his sister,
James Fennimore.