03x10 - Marisa Berenson

[bunniefuu]

[knocking on door]

Oh, Marisa Berenson, 35 seconds
to curtain, Miss Berenson.

Thank you.

Oh, Scooter, who does all
this luggage belong to?

Oh, didn't you know? It's
a gift to you from the show.

Now, wait a minute.

This isn't some kind of
weird Muppet luggage

that's gonna blow up
or turn into cheese

like everything else
on this strange show?

No, no, no, it's just
regular alligator luggage.

- Oh, good.
- [growling]

Oh! Oh, no!

[gasps]

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with
our very special guest star,

Marisa Berenson!

[applause and whistles]

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

- Why don't we leave?
- Where would we go?

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
Inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

[high-pitched note]

Thank you, thank you! Welcome
again to The Muppet Show,

where tonight's
special guest star

is the beautiful
international film star,

Miss Marisa Berenson.

But first, on our show we've
done traditional dances

from many countries,
but never Russia.

Well, tonight
their luck has run out.

[humming, vocalizing]

[tempo quickens]

[vocalizing]

[applause]

Well,
there goes détente.

- Where?
- Never mind.

OK, get onstage,
jugglers.

Way to go, g*ng.

Nothing like a good
old-fashioned Russian pig dance.

Oh, boy, if you like that act,
you're gonna love mine.

Uh, who are you?

Lew Zealand and his
boomerang fish act.

Whoo!

Lew Zealand and his
boomerang fish act?

Oh, yeah. Hey,
it's razzle-dazzle.

Uh, well, I'm sorry,

but I'm not booking any
highbrow acts just now.

Well, think about it, OK?

[sniffs] Come on, Seymour,
you need a bath.

Oh, Kermie,
Kermie, Kermie,

thank you for putting me in
charge of the closing sketch.

You just cannot
say no to me, can you?

Well, I can,
but it hurts a lot.

Uh, is that
the sketch there?

- Yes, it is, yes.
- Well, tell me about it.

- Uh, it's a secret.
- What?

Well, I'll tell you
the title.

OK, what is the title
of the closing sketch?

The Wedding.

- The Wedding.
- Mm-hmm.

You see, you're the groom
and moi am the bride.

[laughs] Isn't that a silly
idea? Isn't that funny?

Uh, maybe.

Oh, Kermie!
Oh, it shall be so wonderful!

Uh, funny, funny I mean,
funny. [kissing]

Oh, boy, Kermit's
kind of busy just now.

[clears throat]
Ladies and gentlemen,

our very special guest star,

the lovely and talented
Marisa Berenson!

[soft orchestral music]

[applause]

Did you like
that number?

Speak up,
my hearing aid's busted.

[shouts] Did you
like that number.

- I liked what I heard.
- What did you hear?

- "Did you like that number?"
- [groans]

I tell you,
it's terrific.

Yeah, you see,
I throw the fish into the air,

they sail away and
then they come back to me.

Yeah, but I don't care
about boomerang fish acts.

Oh, you will.
They're coming back.

- Uh, Miss Piggy.
- Oh, um, yes, hello, Kermie.

Piggy, come back here.

Oh, Kermie, how aggressive
and manly you sound.

Never mind
the sweet talk.

I wanna know more about
this wedding sketch.

I mean, I've gotta
learn my lines.

Well, you only
have one line.

I do?

Exactly.

Uh, that's not what I mean.

Besides, the thing
you forgot is that I don't!

[chuckles] Kermie, it's just
a simple comedy sketch.

Oh, yeah, well, I know that.

[chuckles] A comedy sketch,
Kermie.

It's not as if
he were a real minister.

Now, you are
a real minister, right?

Hello, sports fans,
this is Lewis Kazagger,

welcoming you to the
wild world of Muppet sports.

Today finds us at the national
wig racing championships.

Wig racing? Uh-huh.

Well, luckily, I have
one of the trainers here

who may be able to explain.

Uh, yes, sir.

Today is my first time out
wig racing, sir,

or do you
call this a derby?

Uh, no, sir, this is a wig,
this is a derby.

[snickering]

Uh, does the wig
have a name?

I call this wig
Greased Lightning.

- 'Cause it's speedy?
- No, 'cause it's greasy.

Don't you use
a shampoo?

No, sir, I do not use
sham-poo for my wigs.

Only use real poo. Nothing
but the best poo for my wigs.

- [whistle blows]
- Oh, ah!

That whistle means that
the wigs are on the blocks.

[bugle call]

- [g*nf*re]
- And they're off!

[dogs barking]

Mine's off! Hey! Hey!

[♪ Someone to Watch Over Me]

♪ There's a somebody
I'm longing to see ♪

♪ I hope that she
turns out to be ♪

♪ Someone who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

♪ I'm a little frog
who's lost in a wood ♪

♪ I know I could
always be good ♪

♪ To one who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

♪ Although I
may not be the man ♪

♪ Some girls
think of as handsome ♪

♪ To my heart she carries ♪

♪ The key ♪

♪ Won't you tell her, please
to put on some speed ♪

♪ Follow my lead ♪

♪ Oh, how I need ♪

♪ Someone who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

♪ Won't you tell her, please
to put on some speed ♪

♪ Follow my lead ♪

♪ Oh, how I need ♪

♪ Someone to watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

[knocking]

[Miss Piggy] What is it?!
[humming]

Oh, Miss Piggy,
do you need any help?

Uh... Oh, Marisa,
well, just a moment.

- Beautiful bridal gown.
- Mm-hmm.

Yes, well, it's a
traditional wedding scene.

Something old, something new,

something borrowed
and something green.

Sounds like a real wedding
to me, rather than a sketch.

Oh, well, it's um... it's
a realistic sketch, mm-hmm.

Is it?

- Marisa?
- Yes, dear.

Would you be a dear?
Would you lace me up?

- Well, of course.
- Yes.

- That's it. Tighter, dear.
- Tighter?

- Mm-hmm. Tighter.
- Tighter?

I've gotta go down
three sizes.

You're going through
an awful lot of trouble.

How long does
this sketch last?

Till death do us part.
[grunting]

All right, now, listen, kid, uh,
just on the count of three pull.

Ready, one... two...
[inhales]

...three!
[screaming]

Oh, Marisa, you're wanted
onstage in a minute.

My goodness, I've got
to get dressed. Hold these.

- [Miss Piggy screams]
- [crash]

- Is your hearing aid fixed?
- No.

Then how do you know
what I'm saying?

- I don't.
- Oh.

[♪ Do-Re-Mi]

♪ Doe, a deer, a female deer ♪

♪ Ray, a drop of golden sun ♪

♪ Me, a name I call myself ♪

♪ Far, a long
long way to run ♪

♪ Sew, a needle
pulling thread ♪

♪ La, a note to follow so ♪

♪ Tea, a drink
with jam and bread ♪

Me?

♪ Me, a name
I call myself ♪

♪ Far, a long
long way to run ♪

♪ Sew, a needle
pulling thread ♪

♪ La, a note to follow so ♪

♪ Tea, a drink
with jam and bread ♪

- Now?
- Go!

♪ Go, a gear
a female gear ♪

No!

♪ No, a near
a female near ♪

- Oh, what the hay.
- ♪ Hay, a hop of holden hun ♪

Fozzie!

♪ A name
I call myself ♪

♪ No, it should be Bo ♪

♪ Bo, a beer
a female beer ♪

Will you go away?

♪ Way, a dwop
of wolden won ♪

[all squabbling]

Now, now,
just listen to me.

♪ Me and my shadow ♪

♪ Doe, a deer
a female deer... ♪

Hold it! Come on,
you're ruining the whole song!

[all squabbling]

[squabbling stops]

Uh... and now, to bring a
note of culture to the show...

Is the set changed yet?

[muppet] Yeah, it's OK, frog.

OK, here is the lovely and
talented, Miss Marisa Berenson.

[♪ Our House]

♪ Well, a man came to our house
Our house, our house ♪

♪ A man came to our house
to sell us some brooms ♪

♪ So we asked him to come in
and we hit him with a hammer ♪

♪ And we hid him in the closet
in my father's room ♪

♪ But you're always welcome
in our house ♪

♪ Any time of the day ♪

♪ Yes, you're always welcome
in our house ♪

♪ And we hope you will stay ♪

♪ Then a lady came to our house
Our house, our house ♪

♪ A lady came to find out
why I was not in school ♪

♪ So we asked her to come in ♪

♪ And we gave her
some poison lemonade ♪

♪ And hid her in the freezer
where it's nice and cool ♪

♪ But you're always welcome
in our house ♪

♪ Any time of the day ♪

♪ Yes, you're always welcome
in our house ♪

♪ And we hope you will stay ♪

♪ Then a kid came into our yard
Our yard, our yard ♪

♪ A kid came into our yard
to get his ball ♪

♪ We asked him to come in and
we took him in the basement ♪

♪ And we sealed him up inside
the basement wall ♪

♪ But you're always welcome
in our house ♪

♪ Any time of the day ♪

♪ Yes, you're always welcome
in our house ♪

♪ And we hope you will stay ♪

♪ So when you come to our house
Our house, our house ♪

♪ When you come to our house
we will have some fun ♪

♪ We will ask you to come in ♪

♪ And we will
take you in the kitchen ♪

♪ We will put you in the oven
until you are done ♪

♪ But you're always welcome
in our house ♪

♪ Any time of the day ♪

♪ Yes, you're always welcome
in our house ♪

♪ And we hope you will stay ♪

♪ And we know ♪

♪ You will stay ♪

[applause]

[humming]

Yeah, one liver sandwich.

Chef! Why,
that's beautiful!

[mock Swedish]

I take one look at this wedding
cake and I feel like crying.

Heaven knows why.

[mock Swedish]
...de cake and de honions.

- You what?
- Honions.

Raw onions
in a wedding cake?

Oh, ya, honions very good
for the seen-isus.

- Yeah, clears the head.
- Ya.

This cake'll
clear the church!

[humming]

- Oh, curse these flies.
- [buzzing]

They get
all over the food.

Hey, what about
my sandwich?

- Here it is.
- Great. Oh, liver sandwich,

and say, I'd like
something on the side.

Well, there already is
something on the side.

Ah.

Mmm.

Yechh!

Yeah, aside from the raw onions,
it's a nice cake, chef.

[mock Swedish]
...here is dee Piggy bridey.

Hmm. I can see it's just
as light as a feather.

Ya.

Oh!

Pity we can't say
the same for the bride.

[humming]

Hey, hey! Come on,
let me throw one fish,

just one fish,
then you'll see.

Uh, listen, when I book a
boomerang fish act on this show

some very warm places
will freeze over.

Thanks a lot!
I'll wait over there.

But, uh...

Kermit, there's this dear,
little old lady in the audience

who wants your autograph for
her sick grandson. Sign here.

Oh, OK. Listen,
is everything ready

for this dumb
wedding sketch?

Sure, the set's onstage,
everyone's in costume,

you signed the license...
uh, you signed the autograph.

- What was that?
- Oh, nothing. Introduce the wedding.

[Kermit stammers]

Go ahead.

Uh, uh, well, today, folks,

Miss Piggy has prepared
a silly wedding sketch.

Naturally, it's
just for fun, and...

- Excuse me.
- What is it?

Can we start soon?

I'm saying vespers at
St. Anne's in half an hour.

What?

And now, the wedding sketch.

[organ music playing]

[gasping]

Oh, Marisa,
do I look all right?

You look radiant,
my dear.

- [sighs]
- [kisses]

[whimpering]

[♪ Bridal Chorus]

Uh, you sure
this is gonna be funny?

Trust me.

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today

to join this pig
and this frog

in holy wedlock.

I guess everyone
cries at weddings.

[laughs]

No, cries at weddings.

Oh. [moaning]

If there is
anyone present

who knows why
this pig and this frog

should not be joined
in matrimony,

let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.

[murmuring]

Do it!

Do you, Piggy,
take this frog

to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

[sighing] I do.

And do you, Kermit,
take this pig

to be your
lawfully wedded wife?

I...

I...

I wanna introduce to you
the amazing Lew Zealand

and his boomerang fish!

[lively band music plays]

[man vocalizing]

This is a comedy sketch,
after all.

Well, it is now.

[shouting] Kermit!

We'll see if you laugh
with a flipper

crammed down your throat!

[both screaming]

Close the curtains!
We're done!

Uh, and so we come
to the finish

of Miss Piggy's
wedding sketch...

[Miss Piggy]
That's not the finish.

This is the finish.
Hi-ya!

[crash]

[applause]

Well, time seems
to be running out,

not only for
the show but for me.

So let us quickly welcome back
the lovely and talented

Miss Marisa Berenson, yay!

[applause]

- Thank you, Kermit...
- [Miss Piggy] Kermit!

Marisa, I'm gonna
have to rush.

Would you mind
saying goodnight for me?

- Me?
- Mm-hmm.

How exciting.

Exciting, Marisa,
you ain't seen nothin' yet!

[both screaming]

- What do I say?
- Just, "We'll see you next time..."

Kermit!

- We'll see you next time...
- On The Muppet Show.

Gotcha!

On The Muppet Show.

If you guys
let me hide here,

I'll give you tickets
to next week's show.