03x15 - Lesley Ann Warren

[bunniefuu]

[knock on door]

Lesley Ann Warren,

20 seconds to curtain,
Miss Warren.

OK, thank you.
Thank you, Scooter.

Good luck
to both of you.

Good luck to both of us?

- [gasps]
- Oh, don't wish us good luck.

- We got talent.
- Oh!

We've got drive.
We've got charisma.

So don't wish us
no lousy, stinking, rotten luck.

Ahh!

Wish me luck.

Aww!

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with
our very special guest star,

Lesley Ann Warren.
Yeah!

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

[tap dancing]

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪

[cow mooing]

[Gonzo screaming]

Thank you all
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

We hope you're
as glad to see us as we are to see us,

among other people.

Uh, uh... Anyhow,
tonight we've got a real treat for you

because our very special
guest stars

are that world famous
Kn*fe throwing act, Lesley and Warren.

- Uh, but first...
- Kermit!

- What is it, Scooter?
- Only one of them showed up.

What? How can you have
a Kn*fe throwing act with only one person?

I don't know.
Maybe he had an accident on the last gig.

Uh, well, as I was saying,

we have a really
terrific show tonight

with our very special
guest star, Lesley and/or Warren.

- Wait a minute.
Aren't you...? - I am your guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Lesley Ann Warren! Yeah!

Wait a minute. You're not
Lesley and Warren.

You're Lesley Ann Warren,
the actress, the dancer, the singer.

Thank you.

So, how come you're doing
a dumb Kn*fe throwing act?

Kermit, I thought
you were the one person

on this show
who wasn't crazy.

Me not crazy?
I hired the others.

But just come backstage
and we'll sort this whole thing out.

In the meanwhilst,
I'll leave you in the company of the Great Gonzo.

- [applause]
- [fanfare plays]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

This evening I will perform
a feat of lunatic daring.

Before your very eyes

I will ride this
motorcycle up this ramp

and jump directly
into that box,

landing safely
between those two elderly gentlemen.

[both] What?

Oh, I can assure you,
you'll be in no danger.

- You're right.
- We'll be in Chicago.

For their own safety,
while they were dozing,

I took the precaution
of chaining them to their chairs.

What?

- [chains rattling]
- Help! Help!

- On my mark...
- [revving engine]

...get set, go!

[laughing]

Uh-oh!

[screaming]

- Hooray!
- Bravo!

- Wonderful! Encore!
- Loved it!

Oh, boy.

First I accidentally
introduce Lesley Ann Warren

as a Kn*fe throwing act,
and then Gonzo does that.

We are off to a crummy start.

Oh, it's gonna be
a great act, Kermit.

But something
is wrong with my bike.

Gonzo.

- If I advance the spark...
- [revving engine]

Wha-ha!

[tires squealing]

[Fozzie] Turn left!
Turn left!

[crashing]

I'm sorry about
that confusion before, folks.

It is time to bring out
our very special guest star...

- Well, here we are.
- Ready to go on.

What are you two
doing out here?

We're the very special
guest stars.

Right. Lesley and Warren,
the dancing cucumbers.

- [gulps]
- See? He's Lesley and I'm Warren.

Yeah, but our
special guest star is a big TV star

that sings and dances
and acts and does comedy.

- Yeah, but can she make salad?
- [screams] You two get out of here!

Uh, uh, uh...
Ladies and gentlemen, Lesley Ann Warren.

[man] An interpretation
of Beauty and the Beast

by Ms. Lesley Ann Warren.

How do they do that?

Do what?

Kermit?
Kermit, Kermit, hey.

I've got a message
for you from Gonzo.

Uh-oh.
What's the bad news?

No, it's good news, yeah.

Gonzo has half of his
motorcycle jump perfected.

- Which half?
- The take-off.

- [engine revving]
- What about the landing?

[crashing]

The landing
still needs work.

[announcer] And now,
Pigs in Space.

When last we left
the spaceship Swinetrek,

it was about to pass
through a shower of mysterious dummo rays.

Dr. Strangepork,
are dummo rays dangerous?

Well, not really, Link.

They only affect creatures
of very low intelligence.

Miss Piggy, maybe you better
lock yourself in a closet

till we pass through them.

Humph! Très amusant,
mon capitain!

- Humph!
- Uh...

We should be starting
through them now.

- Oh, no!
- Yes, there they are.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, oh, oh!

[beeping]

That's it.
We're through them.

Ah. Well,
that wasn't so bad.

Well, I told you.
You really have to be stupid

to be affected
by dummo rays.

Link?

[gasping]

Oh, no!

Sooey!

Does that mean...?

Yes.

But the effect is only
temporary, so don't panic.

Panic? Are you kidding?

This is the chance
of a lifetime.

I am taking over.

Move it, fatso.

But Miss Piggy...

Ha ha! Captain Piggy!

Hang on, Strangepork,

you're going for
the ride of your life.

Whoo-hoo!

But Captain Piggy,

Link will be coming out of it
in about ten seconds.

Ten seconds? Oh, rats.

- Oh, oh...
- I must warn you, Captain,

dummo rays
have one side effect.

The victim
becomes a tap dancer.

A what?

[humming Tea for Two]

[tap dancing]

I don't believe this.

Where did he get
those shoes?

Go, Link. Yeah!

That's a good step.

Yeah, a good step.

Tune in next week
and we'll try to have an explanation

for this week's
Pigs in Space.

[♪ Mack the Kn*fe ]

♪ Oh, the shark has
pretty teeth, dear ♪

♪ And he shows them
pearly white ♪

♪ Just a jackknife ♪

♪ Has MacHeath, dear ♪

♪ And he keeps it
out of sight ♪

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

This is an appalling song
of gore and v*olence.

Maybe you just don't
understand it, Sam.

- It contains
a lot of slang. - Hmm.

"A shark has pearly teeth,
dear" is slang?

Sure. "Shark"
is a term for "man"

and everybody knows
that "teeth" is slang for "money."

Well, uh... What about
the jackknife here, huh?

Uh...
Cockney rhyming slang.

- What?
- Jackknife... wife.

Well, all right,
all right, but

"when the shark bites
with his teeth, dear,

scarlet billows
start to spread," hmm?

- Hmm? Hmm?
- You see,

biting obviously means
buying something.

Scarlet billows...
...sofa pillows!

So, the song, then,
is about a man who has a wife

for whom he buys...

- ...pillows.
- Exactly.

[resumes playing]

♪ On the sidewalk ♪

♪ Sunday morning ♪

♪ Lies a body ♪

♪ Oozing life ♪

♪ Someone's sneaking ♪

♪ 'Round the corner ♪

♪ Is that someone ♪

♪ Mack the Kn*fe ♪

I don't fully grasp it,

but I'm sure it's
a lovely sentiment.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the beautiful and talented Lesley Ann Warren

accompanied
by our very own Rowlf.

Olé, olé, olé,
olé, olé.

Olé, thank you,
thank you.

Gracias
and thank you.

Where's Rowlf?

- You're not Rowlf.
- No.

I am ze beloved
Marvin Suggs.

And zees are
my Muppaphones.

And we will
accompany you.

That's fine,
but where is Rowlf?

Who cares?

- Music, maestro.
- [orchestra plays]

Oh, Marvin,
you are so talented.

[♪ The Blue Danube ]

- Ow, ow!
- Ow, ow!

- Oh, it's...
- Ow, ow!

Oh, stop the music.
Stop that music.

- What?
- Please, Mr. Suggs!

- What are you doing?
- Making the beautiful music.

These little creatures
are alive and you're hitting them.

Of course zey are alive.

You cannot make music
by hitting dead creatures.

But that's cruel.

[mocking] Oh, it is cruel.

You do not hear zem
complaining, do you?

- [Muppaphones mumbling]
- Shut up!

Listen, I'm sorry I'm late,
but somebody locked me in my dressing room.

Oh. Oh.

Uh, who did it?

- I'm not sure.
- [Muppaphones mumbling]

Shut up!

I think I will
change your names to the "Finkaphones."

That's enough of that.
Can we strike this whole thing?

Strike the set.
Strike the Muppaphones.

I would love to.

- You didn't have
to say that. - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Uh, can we bring
in the piano?

Let me have some stars
back there in the sky.

There you go.
Oh, good.

Thank you, Beauregard.

A little bit more light
than that would be good.

- Oh, thank you.
- We'll change the mood here.

- Please.
- We have a gorgeous little song here.

Yeah, it's one of
my favorites.

Yeah, me, too.

[♪ Just the Way You Are ]

♪ Don't go changin' ♪

♪ To try to please me ♪

♪ You never
let me down before ♪

♪ Don't imagine ♪

♪ You're too familiar ♪

♪ And I don't see you anymore ♪

♪ I would not leave you ♪

♪ In times of trouble ♪

♪ We never could have
come this far ♪

♪ Mmmm-mm ♪

♪ I took the good times ♪

♪ I'll take the bad times ♪

♪ I'll take you
just the way you are ♪

♪ I need to know ♪

♪ That you will
always be ♪

♪ The same old someone
that I knew ♪

♪ What does it take ♪

♪ Till you believe in me ♪

♪ The way
that I believe in you ♪

♪ I said I love you ♪

♪ And that's forever ♪

♪ This I promise
from the heart ♪

♪ Mmmm-mm ♪

♪ I couldn't love you ♪

♪ Any better ♪

♪ I love you
just the way you are ♪

♪ Mmmm-mm ♪

♪ I couldn't love you ♪

♪ Any better ♪

♪ I love you just
the way you are ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Just the way ♪

♪ You are ♪

I love you.

You know,
I really liked that.

Yep, me, too.

Are we
in the right theater?

[laughing]

Now, for the second time
this evening

the Great Gonzo will
attempt a motorcycle jump

off of this stage
into that box,

landing safely between
those two elderly gentlemen.

We're not afraid.
We know Gonzo.

If at first you don't succeed,
fail, fail again.

[laughing]

- And so here he is now...
- [Gonzo] I'm ready!

- I'm introducing you.
- Introduce fast. I'm ready.

OK. Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Gonzo!

There, that was easy,
wasn't it?

[both groaning]

[thumping]

[disco music playing]

Well, uh, hi there,
good looking.

- What was that?
- That was my snappy opening line.

- Oh.
- Sort of an icebreaker.

Well, I'd, um...
I'd hate to break perfectly good ice.

Uh, what?

Wait a minute.

Aren't you Link Hogthrob?

Yes, I am.

I'm one of the stars
of the show here.

Perhaps you've
admired me from afar.

Well, um, I'd really
rather admire you from near.

- Um, what?
- Maybe while we dance.

Oh. Well, uh...

Actually, I'm not
much of a dancer.

- Tonight's my night
to go bowling. - Oh, oh.

- No, please.
It's the last dance. - It is?

♪ Last dance ♪

♪ Last chance ♪

♪ For love ♪

[clearing throat]

♪ Yes, it's my last chance ♪

♪ Romance ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ By me ♪

♪ Beside me ♪

♪ To guide me ♪

♪ To hold me ♪

♪ Scold me ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm bad
I'm oh, so bad ♪

[tempo increases]

♪ So let's dance ♪

♪ The last dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ The last dance ♪

♪ Oh, let's dance ♪

♪ The last dance ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Last dance ♪

♪ Last chance for love ♪

♪ Oh, yes,
it's my last chance ♪

♪ Romance tonight ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[vocalizing]

- ♪ Well ♪
- [grunting]

[glass breaking]

♪ Whoa ho, I need you ♪

♪ By me ♪

♪ Beside me ♪

♪ To guide me ♪

♪ Oh, hold me ♪

♪ Scold me ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm bad ♪

♪ I'm so, so bad ♪

♪ So, come on, baby ♪

♪ Dance that dance ♪

♪ Come on, everybody ♪

♪ Dance that dance ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Dance that dance
tonight ♪

OK. Well, I think
it's just about time we called it a show.

So, it's a show.

Before we go let's have
a warm thank you for our very special guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Lesley Ann Warren. Yeah!

Thank you.

Um, you were
introducing me, right?

Not the dancing cucumbers?

Oh, I'm sorry
about that, Lesley.

I mean, who knew
there was an act called Lesley and Warren?

- Are you kidding?
- Everybody knows us.

Les, Lee and Warren.

Yup, that's us.

Oh, I get it. Uh...

Let me see. You're Les,
you're Lee and you're Warren.

Mm-hmm.

See?

Yeah, by the way,
who's the lady?

Oh!

I'm sorry about that, Lesley.
We'll make it up to you somehow.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

This show's
beginning to roll.

So's the motorbike.

- [crashing]
- [Gonzo] Oh!