03x19 - Elke Sommer

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
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Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
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03x19 - Elke Sommer

Post by bunniefuu »

[knocking]

Elke Sommer, 15 seconds
to curtain, Miss Sommer.

Uh, thank you, Scooter.

Listen, I hate to complain,
but... [clears throat]

...there's a man eating
my makeup table.

I'm terribly sorry.

Fred, you're supposed
to eat the wardrobe!

Sorry.

Wardrobe, that makes more sense.

I guess.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with our
very special guest star,

Elke Sommer.

Yay!

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get
things started? ♪

[singing in baby talk]

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

Watch out for the balcony!

[crash]

[applause]

Hi, you all.
Kermit the frog here, and this is The Muppet Show.

And you have been warned.

We have a real treat tonight
because our very special guest star

is one of the world's most
beautiful and talented ladies,

Miss Elke Sommer.

But before we get to her,
ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

A one, a two,
a one, two, three...

[♪ Pennsylvania 6-5000 ]

♪ Pennsylvania 6-5000! ♪

♪ Pennsylvania 6-5000! ♪

[bawls]

♪ Pennsylvania 6-5-0-0-0! ♪

[baby babbles]

Yeah.

That's my babies.
That's my babies.

[babbling]

Is that your kid?

Of course not.
I'm just babysitting. This is my grandson.

Well, there is a resemblance.

Yeah, but I won't be bald
and toothless forever.

[laughing]

OK, Muppet Labs onstage next,
Muppet Labs.

Mr. Kermit, where's Beaker?

Beaker, I'm sure I don't know.

Uh, oh, fiddle faddle.

I shall have to cancel
Muppet Labs this week.

- [Beaker] Hmm?
- [Kermit] Huh?

And I was going to give
Beaker the honor

of demonstrating this
new diesel shaver.

[groans]

Well, it's a close shave
for Beaker either way.

Yeah. Sorry to cancel
at such short notice.

Oh, that's OK.

Hate to go out there
and lose face.

I'm sure Beaker felt
the same way.

[Beaker] Uh-huh. [sighs]

[gasps]

Hey, this is a new one.

I'll plug it in
and see if it's working.

- [electrical zapping]
- [Beaker screams]

- [zapping]
- [screaming]

It's working!

Uh, OK, owing to the unfortunate
cancellation of Muppet Labs...

- [zapping]
- [screaming]

...combined with the fact
that the furniture is taking over the show...

...uh, it's around this time
that I start to wonder why I do it.

There is a reason, of course.
Here it is.

We now turn over our stage to
the lovely and talented Miss Elke Sommer!

[♪ Animal Crackers In My Soup ]

♪ Animal crackers in my soup ♪

♪ Monkeys and rabbits
loop the loop ♪

♪ Gosh, oh gee,
but I have fun ♪

♪ Swallowing animals
one bye one! ♪

♪ In every bowl of soup
I see ♪

♪ Lions and tigers
watching me ♪

♪ I make them jump
right through a hoop... ♪

Uh, hold, hold.
Wait, wait. One second.

Listen, I'm sorry, Elke.

But you're a great singer
and a perfect performer and...

But, you see, this whole
little girl look just isn't right for this show.

But why, Kermit? I mean,
it's such a cute little show.

With little piggies
and little duckies

and not to even mention
little froggies. [giggles]

Yeah, but you see,
we try to appeal to adults.

I mean, we're very suave,
sophisticated duckies and piggies and froggies.

Oh, gee, yeah, well, gee,
I got the whole thing all wrong.

Do you think I could get
a chance to do it again?

Well, OK, yeah, sure,
of course.

OK, curtain! Curtain!

[fanfare]

OK, well, I'm sorry
for that little hitch, folks.

But here she is now,
the wonderful Miss Elke Sommer.

[ ♪ Animal Crackers In My Soup ]

[sung seductively]
♪ Animal crackers in my soup ♪

♪ Monkeys and rabbits
loop the loop ♪

♪ Gosh, oh gee,
but I have fun ♪

♪ Swallowing animals
one bye one ♪

♪ In every bowl of soup
I see ♪

♪ Lions and tigers
watching me ♪

♪ I make them jump
right through a hoop... ♪

Yeah, yeah, uh, hold,
I'm sorry...

What is it now, Kermit?

Wasn't that sophisticated
enough?

I gave it everything I had.

Uh, yeah, uh, yeah.
Well, that's true.

But it just... it just.

Well, it's not the way that...
we would do it.

- I mean, you people?
- Mm-hmm.

How would you people
do it then?

Would you like to
do it our way?

Sure, I'd like to
do it your way.

That's what I'm here for.

Oh, well, uh, brave girl.

OK, curtain! Curtain!

[fanfare]

OK, well... [clears throat]

...uh, ladies and gentlemen,
here to do her first number

for the third time...

...Elke Sommer!

[♪ Animal Crackers In My Soup ]

[sang in an lively mood]
♪ In every bowl of soup I see ♪

♪ Lions and tigers
watching me ♪

♪ I make them jump right
through a hoop ♪

♪ Those animal crackers
in my soup ♪

♪ When I get hold of
the big bad wolf ♪

♪ I push him under to drown ♪

♪ Then I bite him
in a million bits ♪

♪ And I gobble him right down,
yeah ♪

♪ When they're inside me
where it's dark ♪

♪ I walk around
like Noah's ark ♪

I stuff my tummy, like a goop ♪

♪ With animal crackers in ♪

♪ My ♪

♪ Soup ♪

You know, I don't think this
show is suitable for children.

I don't think this show
is suitable for anybody.

[all laughing]

OK, so listen,

You two are gonna build a set
for Elke's closing number, huh?

Oh, sure.
What kind of number is it?

Uh, well...

It's a spectacular
tribute to ancient Egypt

so the set really
has to be impressive.

Oh, you've come
to the right people.

You just tell me
and Beaker what you want.

[Beaker squeaks]

Uh, OK, well,
I want a royal barge

and a sphinx
and don't forget the pyramids.

Oh, sure, pyramids.

But what shape do you want 'em?

- What shape?
- Mm-hmm.

We're up the Nile
without a paddle.

But we've got a paddle! Look!

[announcer] And now,
Pigs In Space!

When we last left
the spaceship Swinetrek,

it was about to make
a soft landing on the planet Koozebane.

[Link] Ten... nine...

...eight... seven... six...

Five.

Five, I know.

Four... three... two...

...one... touchdown.

That should do it.

Nice work, Link.

Thank you, Strangepork.

What did you think,
First Mate Piggy?

- [crash]
- [all groan]

[Strangepork and Link chuckle]

I think your landings are hard
and your brain is soft.

Well, no matter.

Now comes the moment the whole
world has been waiting for.

Uh, what's that?

Well, to see the first pig
walk on the planet Koozebane.

Oh, oh, yeah.

The TV camera is on,

and when you step out there,
Link,

you'll become
the most famous pig in history.

Um... Um...

Why don't I just step out
and see if it is safe

for mon capitaine.

That's very thoughtful of you,
First Mate Piggy.

[Piggy humming]

No, Link!

She'll be the first pig
on the planet Koozebane

and get all the glory!

Oh! Oh! Oh! You're right!
Stop, First Mate Piggy!

[Link and Piggy scream]

Nice tackle, Link.

This is a job
for a captain pig.

[Piggy groans]

Wish me luck. Here I go.

[groaning]

Oh, no, it's stuck.

[Strangepork]
Maybe it opens in, Link.

No, it definitely opens out,
I know. [groaning]

Oh, brother.

I'm gonna have to...
I'm gonna have to back up

and get a running start
and break down this door.

- Uh, excuse me. Uh...
- Here I go. Back up. Watch out.

Moth brain, if it doesn't...

If it doesn't open in
and if it doesn't open out

- then obviously...
- Here I come!

...it must slide open.
[groans]

Whoa!

[thud]

[announcer] So ends part one.

If you can stand it,
stay tuned for part two.

Don't.

[playing up-tempo music]

[singing in baby talk]

[bawling]

[baby bawls]

That's my babies.

[announcer] And now,
part two of Pigs In Space.

As you may recall,
the spaceship was landing

on the planet Koozebane

and Link Hog Throb was taking
his giant leap for swinekind.

[screams]

[groans] Uh, greetings
from Koozebane.

This is Captain Link Hog Throb,

the first pig to ever set foot
on this distant planet.

Uh, forget it.

Wait, I'm on television.

No, you're not, dear.

- Huh?
- The camera broke.

[sighs] Well,
might as well go home then.

No, no, no! We can't.

We must find out
if there is life on Koozebane.

What, you mean...
You mean like, uh...

You mean like
little green monsters?

I don't know.

But we must find out.

Uh, well...

Yoo-hoo, anybody here?
Uh, no, let's go home.

Oh, oh, is my captain afraid?

What, me afraid?
Why, of course not.

Yoo-hoo!

- [Link screams]
- [Piggy groans]

[gasping] What was that?

It was me, Link.

Oh, I knew that.

- [Piggy groans]
- [thud]

Uh, you all right now,
First Mate Piggy?

Oh, brother.

Well, there's no life
on Koozebane.

My life detection
computer pack indicates

it's impossible for any life
to exist on this planet.

Good, let's go.

What a shame.
It's such a pretty planet.

George, wake up.
I think I hear prowlers.

Aw, Martha,
go back to sleep.

The hills are alive.

♪ With the sound of music ♪

[all laughing]

- Yeah, they're for you.
- Oh.

[speaks German]

[speaks Italian]

Mmm. They're lovely.

Say, how many languages
do you speak?

Oh, about six.

[gasps] That's amazing.

No, not really.

You have people in your show
who speak several languages.

- We do?
- Sure.

How about the Swedish Chef?

Oh, yeah, how about him?
[chuckles]

Doesn't he speak
English and Swedish?

I don't think so.

You mean,
then he's not bilingual?

I think the Swedish Chef
is non-lingual.

However, there is
another person in your show

who speaks another language.

That's Mademoiselle Piggy,
who speaks French not half bad.

Oh, well, look,
let me tell you a secret.

Uh-huh.
[whispering] What? What?

The only French she knows
is what she's read off

a perfume label.

- You're kidding.
- Mm-mm.

- I didn't know that.
- It's true.

- I don't believe it.
- Yeah.

[clearing throat] Yoo-hoo!

Oh, hi, Miss Piggy.
We were just talking about you.

[chuckles] Moi?

Yeah, hey, look, I'd like you
to meet Elke Sommer.

Miss Piggy, Elke Sommer.

Enchantée, Elke.

Enchantée, Mademoiselle Piggy.

[speaks French]

Uh... [speaks French]

[continues to speak French]

Um...


Maybe this bottle of perfume
will help.

- Oh. [chuckling]
- What? What?

Gonzo's being funny, you know.

He's got the silly notion
that the only French you know

comes from reading
perfume bottle labels.

- Yeah. [chuckling]
- Silly.

- [chuckling] Silly.
- Silly.

Silly Gonzo. [growling]

Hey, Miss Piggy,
here is something you will understand.

- Hmm?
- Lend me an ear.

[clears throat]

[snorting like a pig]

- Uh, excuse me...
- I'm not finished yet, no.

- [continues snorting]
- Uh-huh.

- Well, yes, I...
- You see?

[clears throat] I don't know
what you're talking about?

What do you mean?

I was trying to speak in
your native tongue, Swine-ese.

[Gonzo chuckles]

Swine-ese?

Commonly known as
chewing the fat.

[all laugh]

Chewing the fat!

Well, chew on this!

- Hi-ya!
- [thud]

- Hi-ya!
- [thud]

Miss Piggy?

- OK, Beaker, you hold the nail.
- [Miss Piggy shouting]

OK, hold the nail right there.

And I'll hit it with the hammer.

Hey, I ain't gonna hit you.

[Beaker squeaks]

Come on, put it there again.

OK.

Beaker, look, look, look.

- I'll take the nail.
- Uh.

- Put it there.
- Uh-huh.

You watch closely.

- [whack]
- [Beaker gasps]

[Beaker whimpers]

Can't you watch closely
from further away?

Sheesh.

You can't be a master carpenter
if you lose your nerve.

OK, here we go.

[Beaker gasps]

[thud]

You can't be a master carpenter
if you lose your hammer.

[fanfare]

- And now, ladies and...
- [Fozzie] Kermit! Kermit!

Oh, why don't they make
these curtains with a door?

Kermit, Kazagger's ready.
We've got a fish. Go ahead.

- You got a fish?
- Don't ask, just introduce.

OK, ladies and gentlemen,
Muppet Sports!

Hi out there in Sportsland.

This is Louis Kazagger,
welcoming you

to the wild world
of Muppet sports.

Tonight, the finals
of the all-nations goldfish sh**ting contest.

On my left, the contender.

Allow me to wish you luck, sir.

Luck? Hah!
I don't need no luck.

He ain't gonna have a chance.

[g*n blast]

Missed!

[fish spits]

OK, how's it going, Bo?

Oh, well, it's close.

We've just got to saw off
the braces.

Uh-huh.
How you gonna do that?

I sent Beaker to get
the power saw.

Is that wise?

Oh, sure, he's OK.

He's dumber than you are.

He is not.

[chainsaw buzzing]

Oh, just so long
as he doesn't get carried away.

[Beaker shrieking]

Oh, no!

He's getting carried away!

[Beaker continues shrieking]

Hang on there, Beaker!

I'll go introduce the number,
you get the set finished.

Yes, OK, I'll paint the set.
I've just got... Oh!

[growling]

Where is the set?! Hey!

Uh... Uh, well, folks, it's time
for one final number

from tonight's
wonderful guest star.

Uh... Hey, could you hammer
more softly back there?

[Bo] No.
Could you talk more loudly?

[groans]

Uh, well, anyway, here she is,
one of filmdom's great talents,

and great beauty's,
I might add...

[Bo] Could you speak
more slowly out there?

No! Could you hammer
more quickly?

Uh... here she is,

the Cleopatra of movie stars,
Miss Elke Sommer!

[♪ Row, Row, Row ]

♪ Row! ♪

♪ Row! ♪

♪ Row! ♪

♪ Young Johnie Jones
he had a cute little boat ♪

♪ Row! ♪

♪ And all the girlies
he would take for a float ♪

- ♪ Row!
- ♪ He had girlies on the shore ♪

- ♪ Row!
- ♪ Sweet little peaches by the score ♪

♪ But Johnie was
a wisenheimer you know ♪

- ♪ Row!
- ♪ His steady girl was Flo ♪

- ♪ Row!
- ♪ And every Sunday afternoon ♪

- ♪ Row!
- ♪ He'd jump in his boat ♪

♪ And they would spoon
and then he'd ♪

- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪

♪ Way up the river he would ♪

- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪

♪ A hug he'd give her ♪

♪ Then he'd kiss her
now and then ♪

♪ She would tell him when ♪

♪ He'd fool around
and fool around ♪

♪ And then they'd kiss again
and then he'd ♪

- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪

♪ A little further he would ♪

- ♪ Row! ♪
- ♪ Oh, how he'd row ♪

♪ Then he'd drop
both his oars ♪

♪ Take a few more encores,
and then he'd ♪

- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪

♪ Row! ♪

♪ Row! ♪

- ♪ Row! ♪
- Faster!

♪ Row! ♪

- ♪ And then he'd
row, row, row! ♪ - Faster!

♪ Way up the river he would ♪

- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪
- Faster!

♪ A hug he'd giver her ♪

♪ Then he'd kiss her
now and then ♪

♪ She would tell him when ♪

♪ He'd fool around
and fool around ♪

♪ And then they'd kiss
again and then he'd ♪

- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪

♪ A little further he would ♪

♪ Row, oh how he'd row ♪

♪ Then he'd drop
both his oars ♪

♪ Take a few more encores,
and then he'd ♪

- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪

♪ Then around by the reeds ♪
- Faster!

♪ He'd do more daring deeds
and then he'd ♪

- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row! ♪

♪ Then he gave her a smile
as they sank in the Nile and then he'd ♪

- ♪ Row, row, row... ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row... ♪

[commotion]

Thank you!

You all right?

[applause]

I think we finished whatever
it was we started a while back.

But before we go,
let us have a warm thank you

for our very special guest star,
ladies and gentlemen, Elke Sommer

Yay!

Thank you very much, Kermit.
I had a wonderful time.

And I want to thank you
and all of your friends very much indeed.

Good. It's been a little wild
and crazy tonight.

But now that things have
calmed down...

- [chainsaw buzzing]
- [Kermit gasps]

- Oh, my goodness!
- [Beaker shrieking]

- Uh, uh...
- [Miss Piggy howls]

Bye! Bye!

[Beaker continues shrieking]

[Sommer] Is he always like this?

Uh, we'll see you
next time on...

On The Muppet Show, OK! Bye!

Is he a bouncing baby boy?

I don't know, but we're high
enough up to find out.

[both laugh]
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