03x20 - Sylvester Stallone

[bunniefuu]

[knocking]

Sylvester Stallone, 15 seconds
to curtain, Mr. Stallone.

- Everything OK?
- Oh, yeah, I'm happy as a clam.

[clams moaning]

I'm so miserable!

My back hurts!

I've gotta work
overtime tonight.

Well, happy as some clams.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with our
very special guest star,

Sylvester Stallone!

Yay!

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

Hey, don't you guys
ever dust in here?

[coughing]

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

[applause]

Thank you, thank you,

and welcome again to
The Muppet Show.

It's gonna be a wonderful
show tonight

because our special
guest is a writer,

director and the talented star
of that popular film Rocky,

Mr. Sylvester Stallone!

[screaming]

I'm sorry about that, folks.

Now, we're going to present
a dance from Hawaii...

Is Sylvester gonna wear
a grass skirt?

No! He's not in the number!
Get back to your seat!

Curtain!

[♪ Hawaiian w*r Chant ]

[animal noises]

[singing in Hawaiian]

[monkey shrieks]

[singing in deep voice]

[howling]

[monkey shrieks]

Aloha!

[monkey continues shrieking]

[dings]

[dings]

[dings]

[dings]

[monkey shrieks]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hey, are you speaking Hawaiian?

No! I bit my tongue!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

OK, nice number. Nice number.

Well, don't complain.
Working on The Muppet Show's

a great job for a pig.

I'll say.
We could be working luaus.

We're off to a possibly
decent start.

[muppets chattering]

We're here!
We're really here!

Good grief,

it's Sylvester Stallone's
groupie brigade.

Uh, listen, girls,

you're not allowed
backstage during the show.

Oh, it's OK,
we've got passes.

Yeah.

Passes?
We don't give out passes.

I'll say you don't
give 'em out, frog.

Yeah, they cost us a bundle.

Wait a minute.

Who could be selling
backstage passes around here?

...seven, 28, 29 bucks!

- Scooter!
- Yeah, boss?

- Scooter, I wanna talk to you!
- OK.

I've gotta introduce
Sylvester Stallone.

[girls gasping]

But I want you to stay
right here and don't move.

Right. See how valuable
those passes are, girls?

The frog's gonna let us
stay right here

so we can see Sylvester
up close.

[all gasping]

Up close! Up close!

OK, right now,
we take you back in time

to the old Roman Coliseum,

where brave gladiators sometimes
looked like Sylvester Stallone!

[bugle fanfare music]

[growling]

[cheering]

[cheering]

[muppets chattering]

Hold this, guys.

[growling]

[Stallone growls]

[whimpers]

[shrieks]

[crowd booing]

Look!

[crowd booing]

- [audience cheering]
- k*ll him! k*ll him!

k*ll him! k*ll him!

[lion] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

k*ll him! k*ll him!

[groaning]

[♪ Let's Call
The Whole Thing Off ]

♪ I say I'll bite you ♪

♪ And I say I'll b*at you
I say I'll b*at you ♪

♪ And I say I'll eat you ♪

- ♪ Fight you! ♪
- ♪ b*at you! ♪

- ♪ Bite you! ♪
- ♪ Eat you! ♪

♪ Let's call
the whole thing off ♪

[lion gasping]

[shouting]

♪ I say Agustus ♪

♪ And I say Agoostus ♪

♪ I say quo vadis ♪

♪ And I say where ya going? ♪

- ♪ Agustus ♪
- ♪ Agoostus ♪

- ♪ Quo vadis ♪
- ♪ Where ya going? ♪

♪ Let's call
the whole thing off ♪

We've gotta make this look good,
all right?

[both grunting]

♪ If we call the whole thing
off, then we must part ♪

[howls]

[lion howls]

♪ So if you like Plato
and I like Pluto ♪

♪ I'll give up Plato ♪

♪ And stick with Pluto
and Mickey and Goofy ♪

[commotion]

♪ Let's call the whole thing ♪

♪ Off ♪

Come on,
I'll buy you a steak.

I always heard that music
can soothe the savage beast.

Now I believe it.

Yeah, good thing
the lion learned to sing.

Stallone would've k*lled him.

[both laugh]

Balonius and Stomp my Foot
went to the fair.

Balonius come back,
who's left there?

Uh, Stomp my Foot.

OK.

- [stomps]
- Ow!

Oh, OK, girls,
here comes Kermit!

Now, do exactly
what I told you to.

OK.

Scooter, it's time
we had a serious talk.

Boss, I understand you don't
want these groupies backstage.

That's true.

You're angry with me
for letting them in.

That's true too.

I wouldn't have if they weren't
just so desperate to see you!

Me?

[girls] Kermit!

Wait! Oh, wait!

Girls! Girls! Girls!

You're going to have to leave!
Kermit insists upon it.

- [girls groan]
- Uh, wait, wait now.

Well, leaving isn't
what I insist upon, exactly.

Uh, well, uh, standing quietly
over there near my desk

will do just fine.

[Kermit chuckling]

He fell for it!

OK, quickly now,
up the stairs,

we'll go to Sylvester's
dressing room.

Come on!

Who was that small green man?

[knocking]

Sly, could I have
a word with you?

Sure, Scooter,
come on in.

Oh, great.

You see, there are a couple
of your fans waiting outside.

They're not waiting,
they wanted...

[girls gasping]

Oh, it's really him!

Touch me! Touch me, please!
Touch me!

Touch you.

See, I told you.

Look at all the bodybuilding
stuff Sly has here!

Are you really training, Sly?

Well, no, not really.

I mean,
I'm not really a fighter.

I made a movie about fighting.

But I like to work out
and keep in shape.

- [girls gasping]
- What'd I tell you!

Hey, Sly, could you show us
a few punches?

Scooter, for you, anything.

Oh, OK, girls,
you hear that? Punches!

This, this is a jab.

Whoa!

- More?
- Please.

OK, this is a one-two.

[screaming]

OK, this is a big combination.

One-two,
and here it comes...

Oh!

[screaming]

Could I have your autograph?

- Me too!
- Me too!

[man's voice] Me too!

Who said that?

I did. Boy, Stallone,
do you have some left hook.

[chuckling]

All right, and now,
for something sort of different.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Professor Albert Flan and his Robot Comedian.

Hello there, boys and girls.
Is everybody having a good time?

[Statler] No!

Great.

Well, we're sure having
some fun tonight, huh? [chuckles]

But look! Who's this?

It's Otto,
the a*t*matic Entertainer!

[robot grunts]

Hi there, Otto.

No, come back, come back.
[chuckling]

[robot beeping]

Well, say hello to the nice
boys and girls, Otto.

Hello, nice boys and girls,
Otto.

No, no, no, behind you.

[beeping]

- [spring snapping]
- Whoo!

Say, aren't you Otto,

the six million dollar
funny man?

- Bup, Bup.
- Shake.

[chuckling]

Well, you don't get a lot for
six million dollars these days.

A little topical humor there
for the grownups.

Still, I bet you've got
some funny jokes

for the boys and girls tonight,
Otto.

Oh, yes. There was
this six foot parrot goes...

...into this restaurant.

[bleeping]

...to pay,
but I can tap dance if you...

[bleeping]

...and started eating
the bagpipes. Ha, ha, ha...

Uh, wow, terrific.
[chuckling]

And now... Uh...

Well, bye-bye, boys and girls.

[fanfare]

[♪ Oh, Lady Be Good ]

♪ Oh, sweet and tender ♪

♪ Lady be good ♪

Yeah.

♪ Oh, lady be good ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ I am so awfully
misunderstood ♪

♪ Oh, lady be good ♪

♪ Be good to me ♪

[scats]

Yeah, sing it.

♪ Hey, I'm just
a lonesome baby ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ Oh, lady be good ♪

♪ Be good to me ♪

[scats]

[scats]

Yeah, sing it to us, Floyd.

♪ All day I'm just a lonesome
thing in the world ♪

♪ Mmmm lady be good ♪

♪ Be good to me ♪

♪ Oh, lady ♪

♪ Oh, lady be good ♪

♪ Lady be good ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

All right.

- [knocking]
- Hello?

Hello, Sylv, are you decent?

No, but my folks were.
Come on in.

Rumor has it that there are
a bunch of groupies loose in the theater.

- Oh, really.
- Yeah.

Do you, uh,
think I'm safe here?

Yeah, I think
you can rest easy.

Hmm.

You know, I noticed
when you came here

you didn't arrive
with much baggage.

Yeah, that's me,
I travel light, no baggage.

Yeah, that's you.
[chuckling]

Traveling light, yeah.

Listen, if you need anything
you just let me know, huh.

Thanks a lot, Link.
I appreciate it.

If you wanted my aftershave
lotion, it's in the right-hand drawer.

Thanks, Link, but I don't.

My cologne is
in the left drawer.

Thank you, Link.

And the scented body talc
is above the mirror.

Link, you treat yourself well,
you know that?

Oh, can't complain.

You know, us guys,
you gotta stay fit.

Watch this.

[groans, gasps]

Link?

[Link moans]

What's the matter?
What's the matter? Oh.

I'll get it.

Oh, tell me the worst.
Did he mark me?

Yeah, a little bit,
I'm afraid.

Oh, no.

Hey, Link Link,
don't cry, don't feel bad.

You still smell nice.

Excuse me.

Oh! Oh! You can't go out there.
That is the stage.

- Well, I know that...
- Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

I know that. I'm playing
in the William Tell Overture.

I didn't know
you were musical.

I'm not.

Hmm. Should have a lot in common
with the rest of the band.

[♪ William Tell Overture ]

[fanfare]

[laughter]

[announcer] Time once again
for Veterinarian's Hospital.

[Miss Piggie] When are we on?

The continuing stoooory

of a quack who's gone
to the dogs.

All right, Nurse Janice,
where is the next patient?

Here he is, Dr. Bob.

- Where's he from?
- Hawaii.

I'm fine, thanks.
How are you?

[laughing]

Oh, Dr. Bob,

that is the oldest joke
since they renamed the islands.

- What were they called before?
- Sandwich.

No thanks. I might get
crumbs on the patient.

[laughing]

Dr. Bob, the patient was in
the opening Hawaiian number.

Oh.

Why wasn't I in that number?
I can do the hula.

I've seen you do the hula.
You're no great shakes.

I think the patient misses
Hawaii. He's homesick.

How can he be homesick
when he's right here sick?

I mean, he misses
his home in Hawaii.

Oh, I can fix that.
Hey, patient?

- Yeah.
- Watch this.

Mmm. Mmm.

- What is that?
- Swaying palms.

Swaying palms!

Hey, wait! Wait! Wait!

Have we got any,
have we got any napples?

- Napples?
- Mm-hm.

You mean apples?

No, napples.
You put 'em on pies.

Oh, no.

Pineapples!

[Janice] Oh, no!

[announcer] So we come
to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

He still up there?

Tune in next week
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...

Listen, maybe he's not
really from Hawaii.

Let's take his temperature
and find out.

That makes sense.

Yep, he's from Hawaii.
Look, 5-0.

- [Janice] Oh!
- [Miss Piggie] 5-0! 5-0!

OK, nice one, Dr. Bob.

Nice? It was a Honolulu.

[laughing]

We must've used every dumb
Hawaiian joke in the book.

Hey, Hawaiians aren't dumb!

You'll be hearing from
my friends on Noman.

Noman? Where is that?

No man is an island.

He fell for it.

Yeah, if you think
that joke was bad,

I'm gonna go out
and introduce Fozzie.

[fanfare]

Ladies and gentlemen,
comedy magic

- with our own Fozzie... What?
- [Fozzie] Psst! Psst!

I cannot do my Sawing
a Lady in Half Act.

How come, no saw?

No lady.

Hey, Kermit, how about
a Sawing a Frog in Half?

[sighing] Fozzie!

You just start.
I'll find you a lady.

I'm not ready.

And now, ladies
and gentlemen, Mr. Fozzie Bear.

[fanfare]

Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

Thank you, thank you
and thank you! Haaa!

Yes, sir, Fozzie the magician.

Ahhh.

A box! There's a box.
Ha, ha, ha.

Uh, uh, uh...

Say, who was that box
I saw you with last night?

That was no box.
That was my luggage.

Ha, ha, ha!

I am dicing with death out here,
Kermit.

Don't worry, it's OK.
I found you a lady.

You did? Is she beautiful?

No, but she's willing.

Good enough!

Alrighty! Ladies and gentlemen,
sawing a lady in half!

[beeping]

[spring bouncing]

[buzzing]

This is a lady?

This is a magician?

Will you cut that out!

- [beeping]
- Wha...?

All right, um, uh,
all right,

into the box,
beautiful assistant.

- Into the box.
- Into the box.

The box!
Over here, the box!

[bleeping]

You will notice that I did not
touch or aid my assistant in any way.

Get back, you fool!
Into the box!

- [bleeping]
- Don't touch me! Into the box!

Just do the trick
and wind it up!

Uh, yes, sir.
This is ridiculous.

All right, sawing a, uh...

...thing in half.

- [robot] Mama. Mama. Mama.
- [sighing]

- Mama.
- Oh, shut up!

Not the main power cables.

Say, what?

[electrical zapping]

[groaning]

[thud]

- Well, what did you think?
- Shocking.

[laughing]
Yes, but was it funny?

Of course not.
That'd really be shocking.

Once again,
ladies and gentlemen,

our very special guest star,

Sylvester Stallone.

[♪ A Bird In A Gilded Cage ]

[speaking as a poem]
The ballroom was filled

With fashion's throng

It shone with a thousand lights

And there was a woman
who passed along

The fairest of all the sights.

A girl to her lover
then softly cried

"There's riches at her command.

But she married for wealth

And not for love

Tho she lived
in a mansion grand."

♪ She's only a bird
in a gilded cage ♪

♪ A beautiful sight to see ♪

♪ Sight to see ♪

♪ You may think she's happy
and free from care ♪

♪ She's not
what she seems to be ♪

♪ Seems to be ♪

[speaking]
'Tis sad when you think

Of her wasted life

For youth cannot mate with age

♪ Mate with age ♪

♪ But her beauty was sold ♪

♪ For an old man's gold ♪

♪ She's a bird
in a gilded cage ♪

[speaking] I stood
in a churchyard just at eve

When sunset adorned the west

And I looked at the people
who'd come to grieve

For loved ones now laid to rest

A tall marble monument
marked the grave

Of one who had been
fashion's queen

And I thought she is happier
here at rest

Then to have people say
when seen

♪ She's only a bird
in a gilded cage ♪

- ♪ A beautiful sight to see ♪
- [Fozzie cries]

- ♪ Sight to see ♪
- [honks nose]

♪ You may think she's happy
and free from care ♪

♪ She's not
what she seems to be ♪

♪ Seems to be ♪

[speaking]
'Tis sad when you think

Of her wasted life

For youth cannot mate with age

♪ Mate with age ♪

♪ And her beauty was sold ♪

♪ For an old man's gold ♪

♪ She's a bird in a gilded ♪

♪ Cage ♪

[all crying]

[continue crying]

The time has come
to say goodbye,

because we don't have time
for anything else.

But before we go, let's have
one last round of applause

for the one and only
Sylvester Stallone!

Yay!

Kermit, I had a great time.

I hope I didn't hurt
the talking punching bag.

Hey, what hurt?

Come on, Stallone,
give us one for old time sake.

OK.

[chuckling] Hey, Stallone,
my kind of guy.

OK. That's it for now.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

You've been a wonderful
laugh track! OK!

Well, they say all good things
come to an end.

What's that got to do
with this show?

[laughing]