03x21 - Roger Miller

[bunniefuu]

- [knock on door]
- [man] Come in.

Roger Miller,
15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Miller.

OK. Thank you, Scooter.

Kinda quiet around here
for a Muppet show.

- When do things start jumping?
- Oh, just about... now!

[chuckling] Jump!

OK, OK! Next question:
When do they stop?

[drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show
with our very special guest star, Roger Miller. Yay!

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

Don't look now, but I think
there's penguins among us.

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

[classical music on flute]

- [applause]
- Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

We're going to do it again.

Here we are and welcome to it,
it is The Muppet Show.

I'm Kermit,
our special guest star is the one and only,

sure-to-please-or-guarantee-your
money-back, Mr. Roger Miller.

But first... But first,
I ask you to picture life aboard the Mayflower,

as it sailed for
the New World in 1620.

What must it have been like?
Uh, probably not like this.

[♪ I'm Alabamy Bound ]

[muppet]
Hey, this is terrible.

- [muppet 2]
Take heart, my friend. - [muppet 1] Take heart?

Sixty-six days we've been
on this terrible boat. Where're we going?

[muppet 2] Where are we going?
I'll tell you where.

[muppet 1] Tell us!

♪ We're Alabamy bound ♪

♪ They'll be
no heebie-jeebies hanging 'round ♪

♪ Just gave the meanest
ticket man on Earth ♪

♪ All I'm worth ♪

♪ To put my tootsies
in an upper berth ♪

♪ Just hear
the choo-choo sound Whoo! Whoo! ♪

♪ I know that soon
we're gonna cover ground ♪

♪ And then I'll holler
so the world will know ♪

♪ Here I go ♪

♪ I'm Alabamy bound ♪

♪ Choo, choo, choo, choo
Choo, choo, choo, choo ♪

♪ Choo, choo, choo, choo ♪

♪ I'm Alabamy bound ♪

♪ They'll be
no heebie-jeebies hanging 'round ♪

♪ Just gave the meanest
ticket man on Earth ♪

♪ All I'm worth ♪

♪ To put my tootsies
in an upper berth ♪

- ♪ Just hear
that lucky sound ♪ - ♪ Whoo! Whoo! ♪

♪ To have someone
to put my arms around ♪

♪ That's why I'm shouting
for the world to know ♪

♪ Here I go ♪

♪ I'm Alabamy... ♪

Land ho! We've arrived
in the new world!

It's Plymouth Rock.

And look over there,
Ford Rock and Chevrolet Rock.

It's the promised land!

♪ We're Alabamy bound ♪

[horn blowing]

- [shouting]
- [applause]

You know, I thought
the Pilgrim Fathers were against showbizness.

They were against
entertainment. This doesn't count.

OK, very nice, pilgrims.
Nice going, penguins.

It is
the Pilgrim Penguins.

Ah... choo!

- Gesunheit.
- Thank you.

Wait a second.
Weren't you a penguin just a minute ago?

[gasps] Yeah.
What happened?

I don't know,
but there's somebody who might. Gonzo!

- Yes, Kermit?
- Gonzo, you are an expert on chickens.

- Uh, well I like to think so.
- OK. Well, look at this right here.

Wow. Hey, you're kinda new
around here, aren't you?

Gonzo, a minute ago
this chicken was a penguin.

- Yegh! Gosh.
- So how could this have happened?

- Hah, I think I know.
- What?

Well, it looks to me
like an outbreak of...

And I could use
a dramatic sting here.

Gonzo, never mind
the dramatic sting. An outbreak of what?

An outbreak of...
Cluckitis!

[dramatic music sting plays]

Cluck... Cluckitis?

Yes. It's where
anybody can suddenly turn into a chicken.

- Anybody?
- Yes, isn't it terrific?

- [sneezes]
- There's another one.

Gonzo, I've got to go
on stage. Don't say anything about this.

Gee, that won't be easy.

Yeah, well, it could
disrupt the show, just act normal.

That won't be easy, either.

Oh, boy. It looks like
it'll be one of those evenings.

If we're lucky,
it'll be one of these evenings...

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome the King of the Road, Mr. Roger Miller. Yay!

[♪ In the Summertime ]

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ When all the trees
and leaves are green ♪

♪ And the redbird sings ♪

♪ I'll be blue ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't want
my love ♪

One, two, three, four!

[up-tempo music plays]

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ When all the trees
and leaves are green ♪

♪ And the redbird sings
I'll be blue ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't want
my love ♪

♪ Some other time
that's what you say when I want you ♪

♪ Then you laugh at me
and make me cry ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't want
my love ♪

♪ You don't seem to care
a thing about me ♪

♪ You'd rather live
without me than to have my arms around you ♪

♪ When the nights are cold
and you're so all alone ♪

[scatting]

♪ Summertime,
when all the trees and leaves are green ♪

♪ And the redbird sings
I'll be blue ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't want
my love ♪

[scatting]

♪ Once upon a time
you used to smile and wave to me ♪

♪ And walk with me
but now you don't ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't want
my love ♪

♪ Some other guy
is takin' up all your time ♪

♪ Now you don't have
time for me ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't want
my love ♪

[all] ♪ You don't seem
to care a thing about me ♪

♪ You'd rather live
without me than to have my arms around you ♪

♪ When the nights are cold
and you're so all alone ♪

[scatting]

♪ In the summertime
when all the trees and leaves are green ♪

♪ And the redbird sings
I'll be blue ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't want
my love ♪

[scatting]

Once again now,
one more time.

[scatting]

[applause, cheering]

Marvelous. Thank you all.
It was so lovely.

Arthur! Arthur!

Don't you mean
"Author! Author!?"

His name's Arthur.
Arthur Miller.

- No, it's Roger Miller.
- Oh.

[both] Roger! Roger!

[indistinct chattering]

Uh... Uh, hey.
[clears throat]

- Have you always
been a chicken? - [clucking]

Been working pretty hard,
huh, boss?

- Maybe you need a vacation.
- You... You heard, huh?

- Yeah, do you wanna
talk about it? - Maybe a little later, Scooter.

Oh... [sneezes]

- Scooter!
- Do you wanna talk about it now?

Well, uh, listen
you'll never understand this, but...

...people are suddenly
turning into chickens

- No!
- Hmm.

- Er, cluckitis huh?
- [dramatic music sting plays]

I don't want
the rest of the cast to know about this.

Just don't say
anything, huh?

Yeah, but as soon as I talk
they'll know.

Well, so don't talk.
From now on, just make chicken sounds.

I'm going upstairs,
just a second, to see how things are upst...

Wait a minute, Scooter,
what's on next?

Oh, uh... Cluck,
cluck, cluck, cluck?

Scooter.

Bear on Patrol.
He told me to talk like a chicken.

[male announcer] And now,
ridding the world of evil,

here comes Bear on Patrol.

All right, you.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.

- Lighten up.
- Come on.

Sir! Sergeant,
I have just captured this dastardly criminal.

- Oh, ho! What's the charge?
- Assaulting an officer.

[dramatic music sting plays]

Sir. Did you actually strike
this poor patrol bear

while he was out
ridding the world of evil?

Oh... I don't know
what come over me.

[laughs]

Oh, what a report
this will make.

I'd like a complete
and accurate description of everything you did.

- Complete?
- And totally accurate.

What the pig said.

OK. First I kicked him
in the shins.

- In the shins, he did.
- Thusly.

Oh! Oh! Oh! That hurt!

- Not again. That was
like last time. - ...thusly.

Is that...
Is that exactly how you did it?

Well, not exactly.
It really was more like this.

- Harder.
- Harder?

Oh, not again...
The other one!

Very good. Uh-huh.
And then what?

Oh. Well, then I punched
him in the jaw.

Wait. You don't have
to do that... Ahh!

Punched him in the jaw.

- Wait a minute.
This is not right. - No, you're right.

First I punched you
in the jaw...

- Whoa!
- ...and then I kicked you.

- You wha... Whoa!
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you, very much.
Accuracy is important.

Yeah, well the next thing,

was I grabbed him
by the collar and I made squishy-squishy with his nose.

Oh, no. Not that again.
Please don't.

- Come on.
- Squishy-squishy...

Squishy-squishy.

No, no, no, no, no...

Wait a second, wait a second.
Hold on... Patrol Bear.

- I think this is
all a mistake. - Well, how do you mean?

Well, this man has been
very cooperative with the police.

- What?
- I don't think we should press charges.

- Huh?
- Sir, you are free to go.

- He's wha...?
- Thank you very much. Thank you.

[groaning]

- Patrol Bear...
- What?

You're a mess.
Can't you do something about your appearance?

[groaning repeatedly,
sneezing]

Hmm. That will do
very nicely, Patrol Bear.

[fly buzzing]

- Oh, missed.
Oh, hey, Uncle Kermit. - Yeah.

Is it true there's
an epidemic sweeping the Muppet Theatre,

- and we are all
turning into chickens? - Yes. Yes, it is true, Robin.

Be quiet about it
because I don't want to spread the news around.

Especially, I don't want
to worry Roger about it.

- Oh.
- It's really embarrassing.

Yeah. I understand,
Uncle Kermit.

Yeah, so if you see Roger,
do not tell him that we are turning into chickens.

- OK.
- Hi, guys. What's happening?

We're not
turning into chickens!

I see... So you're not
turning into chickens, huh?

- Right!
- Ah-choo!

Uh, well, hmm...

Listen, goodbye, Robin!
Hello, little chicken.

Come on, let me
show you to your coop.

I'll just
introduce you, Roger.

Well, I think I'll go on stage
and not turn into a turkey.

Roger Miller has written
a number of songs with a delightful nuttiness

that seems particularly
appropriate to our show.

Here he is with one of them,
ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.

[♪ The Hat ]

♪ Hey, kid ♪

♪ Where'd you get the lid? ♪

♪ Where'd you get
a lid like that? ♪

[sneezes]

♪ If I told you
why would you tell me ♪

♪ Where I could find
a hat like that ♪

♪ Hey, old chap ♪

♪ Where'd you get the cap? ♪

♪ Where'd you get
a cap like that? ♪

♪ If I told you
why would you tell me ♪

♪ Where I could find
a hat like that ♪

- ♪ Oh, a hat ♪
- ♪ Oh, a hat ♪

- ♪ Is a hat ♪
- ♪ Is a hat ♪

♪ And a topper
is a topper, and ♪

[both]
♪ And you can't top that ♪

♪ So if you got the bread ♪

♪ I say ♪

♪ Why not spend it
for something for your head ♪

♪ Oh, hey, Herby
where'd you get the derby? ♪

♪ Where'd you get
a hat like that? ♪

[sneezes]

♪ If I told you why
would you tell me where ♪

♪ I could find
a hat like that ♪

[applause]

[muppet]
Oh, give us some songs!

[indistinct chattering]

[♪ The Old Bull and Bush ]

♪ Come, come
Come and make eyes at me ♪

♪ Down at the Old Bull
and Bush ♪

♪ Come, come drink
some port wine with me ♪

♪ Down at the Old Bull
and Bush ♪

♪ Hear the little German band ♪

♪ Just let me hold
your hand, dear ♪

♪ Do, do come and
have a drink or two ♪

♪ Down at the Old Bull
and Bush ♪

♪ Talk about the shade
of the sheltering palm ♪

♪ Praise the bamboo tree
with its wide spreading charm ♪

♪ There's a little nook
down our old Hampstead Town ♪

♪ You know the place
it has won great renown ♪

♪ Often, with my sweetheart
on a bright summers day ♪

♪ To the little pub
there my footsteps will stray ♪

♪ If she hesitates
when she looks at the sign ♪

♪ All of you join in
a glass of good wine ♪

♪ Come, come
Come and make eyes at me ♪

♪ Down at the Old Bull
and Bush ♪

♪ Come, come drink
some port wine with me ♪

♪ Down at the Old Bull
and Bush ♪

♪ Hear the little
German band ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Just let me
hold your hand, dear ♪

♪ Do, do come and
have a drink or two ♪

♪ Down at the Old Bull
and Bush ♪

♪ Bush, bush ♪

[indistinct chattering]

[all hollering]

[barking]

- ♪ Rawhide ♪
- [knock on door]

- Come in.
- Excuse me, Roger, are you busy?

Oh, no, Kermit,
come on in.

You know, I'm sorry
I haven't had more time to talk to you.

Things have been hectic
around here today.

Oh, I understand.
How's the show going, really?

Oh... fine. Fine.

- Oh? Any problems?
- No, no... Smoothest show ever.

- Good. Glad to hear it.
- Looking forward to your final number.

Oh, good. I only hope
I don't turn chicken before I do it.

What? What? Why!?

I just mean stage nerves.
You know, I always get them.

- Oh, oh, good.
- Good?

Well, I mean, good
that a big star like you

still gets chickens...
I mean, butterflies.

Hey, Kermit, you never
guess what happened.

Wait a minute.
I recognize that voice. Isn't that Lew Zealand?

- Uh, uh... No.
- Yeah!

That chicken suit
really looks convincing.

Oh, glad you like it.
[chuckles]

Golly. Say, tell me
something, Lew,

are you still doing
that, what you call the Boomerang, the fish...

Boomerang fish act,
is what it is.

Oh, yeah, sure,
but I've had to make a couple of changes.

What kind of changes?

Well, I'm calling it
Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Egg Act.

I see. How's it go?

Well, you see,
I throw the eggs away...

- Oh.
- Yey!

Whoa!

No!

I got to say it.
These are the yolks, folks.

Eggs-actly.

[♪ Pop Goes the Weasel ]

[sneezes]

Oh, boy, Veterinarian's
Hospital, next. Veterinarian's Hospital.

- Gonzo.
- Yes, Kermit.

- [chuckles] Hello, ladies.
- Gonzo...

- Yeah, listen...
- Yes, what?

Got that list of everybody
who's turned into a chicken?

- I sure do, Kermit.
Right here. - OK, let's see.

So far it's Scooter,
Animal, Fozzie, Floyd,

- Janice, Lew Zealand...
- Will you get out of here, chicken.

[Miss Piggy's voice]
Oh, yeah? Chicken this. Hi-yah!

[grunting] You wanna add
one more name to that list?

- [crashing]
- [clucking]

[male announcer] And now,
Veterinarian's Hospital.

Cluck, cluck.

The continuing story
of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

[Rowlf] More like a dog
that's gone to the quacks.

[Janice] For sure.

[Miss Piggy] Dr. Bob,
chickens do not quack.

- They do when
they're young. - They do?

Sure. If you drop
an egg, it'll quack.

Oh, wow.

Dr. Bob, are you ready
for the first patient?

No, I'm ready
for the second patient.

What's the matter
with the first patient?

I don't know. That's why
I want the second patient.

- Here she is, Dr. Bob.
- Oh, no! Another chicken.

Yeah, if they keep bringing
in chickens we're going to be here 24 hours.

- What do you mean?
- We'll have to work around the cluck.

And so, we come
to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week
when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

Dr. Bob, shall we give
the chicken a transfusion?

- No, that won't do.
- Oh, what will do?

- Cocka-doodle-doo.
- [all laugh]

These chickens sure make
for a different show.

Yeah. But it'll all
add up to the same old turkey.

Gobble, gobble,
gobble, gobble.

Uh, sorry about all this stuff,
but some very strange things

have been going on tonight,
but I think everything is now

under control
as we once again present our very special guest...

Ah... Ah... [sneezes]

Oh, darn.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.

[applause]

[♪ Do-Whack-A-Do ]

♪ Well, I hear tell
you're doin' well ♪

♪ Good things
have come to you ♪

♪ I wish I had
your happiness ♪

♪ And you had a do-wack-a-do
Wack-a-do-wack-a-do ♪

[all]
♪ Do-wack-a-do-wack-a-do ♪

♪ Yeah, I see you goin'
down the street in your big Cadillac ♪

♪ You got girls in the front
You got girls in the back ♪

♪ And way in the back
you got money in the sack ♪

♪ And both hands on the wheel
and your shoulders reared back ♪

[scatting]

♪ Well, I hear tell
you're doin' well ♪

♪ Good things
have come to you ♪

♪ I wish I had
your good luck charm ♪

♪ And you had a do-wack-a-do
Wack-a-do-wack-a-do ♪

♪ Do-wack-a-do-wack-a-do ♪

One night,
for no particular reason, I wrote this little song:

[♪ Dang Me ]

♪ Dang me, dang me ♪

♪ They oughta take a rope
and hang me ♪

♪ High from the highest tree ♪

♪ Woman, would you
weep for me? ♪

[scatting]

One more time.

[scatting]

♪ Roses are red
and violets are purple ♪

♪ Sugar is sweet
and so is maple surple ♪

♪ Well, I'm the seventh
out of seven sons ♪

♪ My pappy was a p*stol
I'm a son of a g*n ♪

♪ Dang me, dang me ♪

♪ They oughta take a rope
and hang me ♪

♪ High from
the highest tree ♪

♪ Woman, would you
weep for me? ♪

[scatting]

One more time.

[scatting]

[♪ My Uncle Used to Love Me
But She d*ed ]

♪ My uncle used to love me
but she d*ed ♪

♪ A chicken ain't chicken
till it's lickin' good fried ♪

[clucking]

♪ Keep on the sunny side ♪

♪ My uncle used to love me
but she d*ed ♪

♪ Who'll bid me quarter,
30 cents for a ring of keys ♪

♪ Three sixty-five for
a dollar bill of groceries ♪

♪ I'll have me a car
of my own someday but 'til then I need a ride ♪

♪ My uncle used to love me
but she d*ed ♪

♪ My uncle used to love me
but she d*ed ♪

♪ A chicken ain't chicken
till it's lickin' good fried ♪

♪ Keep on the sunny side ♪

♪ My uncle used to
love me but she d*ed ♪

And just some of you
might happen to be into buffalos.

[♪ You Can't Rollerskate
in a Buffalo Herd ]

♪ You can't rollerskate
in a buffalo herd ♪

♪ You can't rollerskate
in a buffalo herd ♪

♪ You can't rollerskate
in a buffalo herd ♪

♪ But you can be happy
if you've a mind to ♪

♪ You can't take a shower
in a parakeet cage ♪

♪ You can't take a shower
in a parakeet cage ♪

♪ You can't take a shower
in a parakeet cage ♪

♪ But you can be happy
if you've a mind to ♪

♪ Now, all you gotta do
is put your mind to it ♪

♪ Knuckle down, buckle down ♪

[all] ♪ Do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ You can't rollerskate
in a buffalo herd ♪

♪ You can't rollerskate
in a buffalo herd ♪

♪ You can't buffalate
in a... ♪

♪ You can be happy
if you've a mind to ♪

[scatting]

- [applause]
- [clucking]

OK, well, we've just about
reached the end of our show,

and I must say
it has been a foul one.

But, before we go,
this is Kermit the Chicken asking

for one last round of
applause for our guest star, Mr. Roger Miller! Yay!

[applause, cheering]

Thank you. Correct me
if I'm wrong, Kermit,

you have turned into
a chicken, haven't you?

Oh, it's so
humiliating, Roger.

Everybody has.

You know...
You know what it is?

I think you have cluckitis.

What! You've heard
of cluckitis?

I had it one time.
It's nothing really for you to worry about, Kermit.

In a few days it'll go,
it'll go away and you'll be just like you always were.

But until then
you'll look great!

Gonzo!

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

[both laughing]

I bet you were
expecting chickens!

Woof, woof, woof!

- Woof, woof.
- Woof, woof.