03x23 - Lynn Redgrave

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
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03x23 - Lynn Redgrave

Post by bunniefuu »

[knock on door]

Lynn Redgrave, 15 seconds
to curtain, Miss Redgrave.

Thank you very much.
I think it's wonderful

that instead of doing
the regular show,

you're going to be doing
Robin Hood.

Yeah, the rehearsals went great.

There's just one scene
that needs more work.

Oh, which one?

Uh, let me guess.
The archery contest?

Excuse me, did you see
a pointy thing go by?

[drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show with
our very special guest star,

Lynn Redgrave. Yey!

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

Say, that was good.

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
Inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪

- [fanfare]
- [screaming]

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Muppet Show,

in which we are going
to spend the entire program

doing a unique production
of Robin Hood.

It's gonna be terrific because
our guest is one of the

great ladies of stage and
screen, Miss Lynn Redgrave.

And so, without
further ado, or a-don't...

Ladies and gentlemen, the Muppet
players with Lynn Redgrave

proudly present Robin Hood.

♪ I wish you all a fond hello ♪

♪ My name is Allen-a-Dale ♪

♪ My hope is that
we entertain ♪

♪ With this
our evening's tale ♪

♪ In Sherwood Forest
dark and deep ♪

♪ Dwells Robin Hood in sooth ♪

♪ An outlaw and his Merry Men ♪

♪ They're living
fast and looth ♪

"Fast and looth?"

Come on, give me a break. I'm
usually the gopher around here.

- Time to cavort.
- Cavort!

- Cavort!
- Oh, my.

[up-tempo tune plays]

[singing in mock Swedish]

[snorting]

Ow! Ow!
Ow! Let me go!

[snorting]

- So how's it going?
- Oh, well, looks a little bit

like feeding time
on a freaky farm.

[laughing]

I'm stage managing
since Kermit's in the show.

Could you help me
move some scenery?

I'm sorry, Scoots.
I'd love to, but I'm on strike.

On strike?
Well, why?

I don't dig all this
Robin Hood jazz.

I prefer things more hip
and less green.

Great. More hip and less green.
Now what am I gonna do?

- Hey, Bo?
- Yes, sir.

- Could you move that scenery?
- Yes.

- That was an easy job.
- Sure.

[revelry continues]

Cavort, cavort, cavort...

Hey, hey, hey, hold it.

Prithee, prithee,
hey, cooleth it.

Oh, what is it,
Little John?

You guys are not
cavorting right.

This is the proper way
to cavort. [clears throat]

Cavort, cavort, cavort,
cavort... You got that?

Cavort like that.
You got it?

- No.
- No!

Better practice 'cause Robin
Hood will be here any minute.

Ahh!

- It's a note from Robin Hood.
- What does it say?

- "I'll be here any minute now."
- What did I tell you?

[fanfare]

- Hi-ho, Little John.
- Hi-ho, Robin Hood.

- Hi-ho, Merry Men.
- Hi-ho, Robin Hood.

- Well rehearsed.
- Thank you very much.

Maid Marian will be here
and the place looks a mess.

- What have you been doing?
- Oh, well, you see, uh...

Cavorting, right?

Well, cavorting wrong,
actually.

[fanfare]

- Oh, fair Maid Marian.
- Oh, good Robin Hood.

Did thou have
a pleasant journey?

Oh, aye. Forsooth.

But methinks I was
followed by the

wicked Sheriff
of Nottingham's men.

[all gasping] Egads!

We haven't got much
time then. Little John?

- Yes?
- Tell the men to prepare.

Yes, sir. Look...
Prepare what?

- To cavort!
- Cavorting!

Cavort, cavort...

♪ Hooray, hooray
It's such a lovely day ♪

♪ Singing, hey, down
Merry down, down ♪

♪ Fol, rol, riddle, rol
Hey, noney no ♪

♪ With a dum, dum diddle, dum
Dum, dum, diddle, dum ♪

♪ Hey, down
Merry down, down ♪

Hee hee.

- Yeah.
- Whee!

♪ Singing, hey, down
Merry down, down ♪

♪ Fol, rol, riddle, rol
Hey, noney, no ♪

- Ahh! Robin, help!
- To the dungeons.

♪ Hey, down
Merry down, down ♪

Thank you.

Hey, where's Marian?

- Marian?
- Marian?

Marian! Marian?

- Maid Marian!
- Marian?

Well, I've seen a lot
of versions of Robin Hood,

- but none to match this one.
- How's that?

- The others were all good.
- [laughing]

Bo, set up
the t*rture scene.

Oh, the t*rture scene's
going to be really fun.

Yeah, well...

OK, nicely cavorted, Merry Men.
Nicely cavorted.

You liked the cavorting? You
should see us in a full frolic.

OK, that Lynn Redgrave
is wonderful as Maid Marian.

It's a demanding role.

Hmm, speaking of a
demanding role...

Yeah?

I do not have a role
in this production.

And I am demanding one.

You see, there's only one female
part, that's Maid Marian.

Lynn Redgrave
is playing that.

Oh, Kermie, you were
not listening, dear.

I said,
I am demanding one!

Yeah. Well,
let's see, uh...

I guess there is
a part here you can play.

- Let's see.
- It'll take a little rewriting.

- Sure you'd be perfect for it.
- I can do it!

Yes, yes,
what is it? Hmm? Hmm?

- Well, it's, uh... It's...
- Uh-huh?

Sister Tuck.

Sister Tuck?

- You couldn't play Friar Tuck.
- Sister Tuck?

t*rture scene on next.
On stage for the t*rture scene.

You want t*rture,
I'll give you t*rture.

Hi-ya!
Where are you?

- Piggy, let me explain.
- Sister Tuck!

- Ahh!
- Sister Tuck?

Bring in the prisoner.

- [Marian screaming]
- Move it, move it.

- Move it. Please move it.
- [screaming]

Get up there, OK.

- Um, here she is.
- Oh! Oh!

Ah, Maid Marian,
you are now a dungeon guest

of the Sheriff of Nottingham.
[cackling]

Oh, no, not the
Sheriff of Nottingham.

Oh, no, no,
that's the Great Gonzo.

No, you fool, that's the
Sheriff of Nottingham.

Yeah, sorry, I keep
forgetting it's a play.

I have you in my power now,
my pretty.

You black-hearted
villainous swine.

Oh, you silver-tongued
flatterer.

I demand to be set free.

Not until you tell me
the exact location

- of Robin Hood's hideout.
- I'll never tell you. Never!

- That's terrific.
- Thank you.

And now it's t*rture time.

- Just try and make me talk.
- All right!

We have ways
of making you talk.

Take these thumbscrews,
for instance.

All right.
What do they do?

- Put your thumb
in here like this. - Yes.

- That's it,
then turn the handle. - This way?

- No, the other way.
- Sorry.

That's better. When you do that
it presses the bar on the thumb.

Whoo! Ahh! Whoo!

Ooh! Ow! Wow.

All right,
now will you talk?

No. I'll never
tell you, never.

- All right, another turn.
- You're wasting your time.

Whaaa!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You could be
right about that.

Ooh, but you won't talk so
bravely on the rack, my dear.

- The rack? What's that?
- You'll wish you never asked.

Gonzo's trying to
get himself k*lled.

Yeah, but he
won't make it.

He never succeeds
at anything.

[laughing]

Best he can
hope for is maimed.

Manacles secured,
hand and foot, right?

Correct. There is
no escape from this pain.

- Ugh.
- This pain here?

Whoo! Ooh!

Yes! Isn't that terrific?

[screaming]

Come on, talk. How much
more of this can you take?

[screaming]

Good Sheriff,
I can take no more of this.

I've got to go and stretch out
for a nap in my dressing room.

Goodbye.

Hey, wait!

Wait! We haven't even tried
the boiling oil yet.

Ahh! Ahh!

t*rture scene over.
Archery scene next.

Stand by, archers and peons.

"Archers and peons, Scooter."
I'm on, too.

But, Scooter, come on!

I've got to get this out
for the archery contest.

Somebody give me a hand.

[Gonzo] You say you want a hand?

You got one.

- [fanfare]
- [applause]

♪ The day of the
archery contest ♪

♪ There isn't
one seat left to sell ♪

♪ The crowd on the green's
packed as tight as sardines ♪

♪ Which might
also account for the smell ♪

[fanfare]

[crowd booing]

♪ Both contestants
look good to the experts ♪

♪ Yes, the winner
is tricky to choose ♪

♪ But I'll stick my neck out
and, without any doubt ♪

♪ Say the other guy's
certain to lose ♪

♪ Is that it? Is that
all you can tell us? ♪

- ♪ Well... ♪
- ♪ As our archers warm up on the track ♪

♪ But, regrettably,
he only gets to say... ♪

Gee.

♪ ...when a practice sh*t
cancels his act ♪

[groaning]

♪ Black Bart
is the opening archer ♪

♪ The Sheriff of
Nottingham's man ♪

♪ With the strength of an ox
the nerve of a fox ♪

♪ And the brains
of a gooseberry flan ♪

- [fanfare]
- Shh!

[laughter]

♪ But the sheriff has bribed
and corrupted a youth ♪

♪ The rules of the
contest to bend ♪

♪ He never heard say
that crime doesn't pay ♪

- Ooh!
- ♪ He sure gets the point in the end ♪

[laughter and cheering]

♪ So with Black Bart
awarded a bull's-eye ♪

♪ There's little
poor Robin can do ♪

♪ Save to trust to his luck
his nerve and his pluck ♪

♪ And split Black Bart's
arrow in two ♪

- [cheering]
- [fanfare]

Thank you, thank you.
My pleasure. Nice contest.

[clears throat]

During this interval,
it is my great pleasure

to present the author
of tonight's drama.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. William Shakespeare.

Delighted.

You are the
William Shakespeare?

I am a William
Shakespeare, yeah.

Mr. Shakespeare,
what an honor.

Do you know I saw
The Sound of Music

- at least a dozen times?
- Wait just a minute.

This here William Shakespeare
is my nom de plume.

- Your what?
- My pen name.

Then you are not the
real William Shakespeare?

- Oh, of course not.
- Of course not!

I can see that now.
He was a bearded man.

- And you're much younger.
- And he's dead.

And he's...

Is he?!

Oh, I didn't know.
I'm so sorry.

- I didn't realize.
- Yeah, I can see that.

Tell me, did he leave
a wife and children?

Well, as far as I'm aware,
he left just about everything.

Including an unfinished play,
Henry VIII.

That's a tragedy.

Well, it certainly
isn't a comedy.

And, by adopting
his name,

you hope to keep something
of his legend alive.

Yeah. Principally
his royalties.

- His what?
- His royalty payments.

- You're good.
- Thank you.

Tell me, could you please recite
a portion of his masterpieces?

Uh, sure, but let me get
an actor to do it properly.

- Hey! Hey, you, actor.
- Excuse me.

You wanna read this
for me, please?

- Uh...
- This is an actor?

To be or not to be...

[mock Swedish]

I didn't understand
all of it,

but I'm certain the
English people enjoyed it.

Now back to work.

Don't litter.

Oh, prithee,
fair Maid Marian,

thank you for joining me
in this here fair glen here.

Oh, good Robin Hood, this was
the very spot that we first met.

- Yeah, verily.
- Yes, and I shall always remember it.

And how surprised I was
to meet the famous Robin Hood.

Surprised? In what way,
surprised?

Um... Well, um...

Was it the fact that
I'm a daring robber?

Or the fact that I'm
debonair and handsome?

No, it was the fact
that you were a frog.

You noticed that, huh?

Yes, well, I couldn't
help noticing.

Particularly
since I'm not one.

Oh. Well, um,
listen, Marian.

Don't let that worry you.


♪ Your eyes are not bulgy ♪

♪ You don't live in a swamp ♪

♪ You don't hop
or turn somersaults ♪

♪ Your feet
are not webbed ♪

♪ And you
never eat flies ♪

♪ I'm sorry to dwell
on your faults ♪

♪ And yet I still ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ I always will love you ♪

♪ You shine in my mind ♪

♪ Like a dream ♪

- ♪ Yet I still love you ♪
- ♪ La, la, la ♪

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
- ♪ I always will love you ♪

- ♪ Although you are
not even green ♪ - ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ I know I'm an odd one ♪

♪ I'm not like a frog ♪

♪ My head is all
covered with hair ♪

♪ No flippers, no bulges ♪

♪ No croaking, no warts ♪

♪ No wonder that
sometimes you stare ♪

♪ And yet ♪

♪ If you love me ♪

♪ You know that
I love you ♪

♪ You shine in my mind ♪

♪ Like a dream ♪

♪ And so if
I love you ♪

♪ I really do love you ♪

♪ Who cares if you're not ♪

♪ Even green ♪

- Good Robin Hood?
- Aye?

- Pray, kiss me sweetly.
- Ooh.

Hello.

- [clearing throat]
- Piggy!

- Privy, Robin Hood.
- What?

Thou art wanted
in yon... thicket.

[Kermit screaming]

- [Marian screaming]
- OK, Maid Marian, to the dungeon.

Oh, Robin, Robin, no!

Hmm. What'd you think
of Miss Piggy's outfit?

I think she ought to
kick the habit.

[laughing]

- That's an old joke.
- So are you.

[laughing]

[Marian screaming]

- Miss Piggy,
I want to talk to you. - Oh.

You mean, you wish
an audience with Sister Tuck?

[sighs] No, I want
to talk to you.

I want to know
what you did with Lynn.

Oh, oh, remember,
blessed are the meek.

What did you
do with her?

- Meeker.
- [sighs]

- Uh, what did you do with her?
- Oh, that's nice.

She is in yonder
dressing room. She's OK.

Yeah, but the big dungeon
scene is coming up next.

- I'll go tell her.
- No, no, um...

I should tell her.
It is the least that moi can do.

Town crier on stage.

Scooter, the town crier is
on stage, but he can't go on.

- Why not?
- He lost his onion. Ahh!

See, the onion
makes him cry, and...

- Will you get out of here?!
- I wrote that myself.

- Five o'clock and all's well.
- [barking]

Five o'clock and all's well.

Except that Maid Marian
has been kidnapped,

the sheriff's up to no good,
the dog is stealing cheese,

Kermit's mad at Piggy
and it's really only 4:30.

- So how goes the night?
- 'Tis dark but still.

- Still what?
- Still dark.

[laughing]

That's a good one.

Our prisoner,
Maid Marian, is safe.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Yoo-hoo.
- Hark! A noise.

- What?
- Ah-ha!

- [grunting]
- Ah-ha!

Hold fast, good sir,

lest I strike you again
with my quarterstaff.

That's a cheap w*apon.
Mine cost 50 cents.

That's a cheap joke.
You'll pay for that.

[grunting]

Float like a butterfly,
sting like a frog.

[panting]

[grunting]

- Uh-uh.
- [grunting]

Yeah! Yeah!

All right, Kermit!
Robin Hood, I mean. Yes!

Oh, sir, Robin Hood, thou did
smite him mightily on the pâté.

I believe that's pate.

I'm sorry.
Kermit, I'm sorry.

Yes, but good men
of Sherwood Forest,

we must now sneak away
and rescue Maid Marian.

- Sneak and rescue!
- Sneak away!

[shouting]

Wait! Wait, men!
We must go hushily.

Oh, hushily. Hush.

Shh. Shh.

Ooh. Hark, it is the
beautiful Maid Marian.

Lights.

[gasps] Piggy!

Oh, Robin Hood, I am "sav-ed."

Oh! Oh!

Piggy, where's
Lynn Redgrave?

Um... stage fright.

She won't come out
of her dressing room.

I thought it best
if I took over her part.

Piggy? Stage fright?

Stage fright?

But also... her dressing room
door became sort of stuck.

[gasps] Stuck?

Quick, my Merry Men,
to the rescue!

[Kermit] Come on,
let's go! Away we go!

Hold it, wait!
It's me. I'm stuck here.

Hey, come on.
Help! Police!

- Will the sheriff do?
- What?

- [screams]
- Kissy, kissy.

[screaming]

- How goes it?
- Strange.

Strange but still.

Still what?

- Still strange.
- [both laughing]

Our prisoner,
Lynn Redgrave, is safe.

[Lynn yells]

- And loud.
- Hmm.

[Lynn] Someone help me!
I'm supposed to be on stage!

- Help!
- Knock-knock.

Who's there? [grunts]

- [gasps]
- Ah-ha!

Stand fast, good sir.

Move not, lest I strike thee
also with my quarterstaff.

Ha! Mine cost a buck, 95.

[laughing]
Ooh, ow!

- Ooh, a swordfight.
- Yes.

[grunting]

Wait a minute.
Tickle, tickle.

[laughing]

- [crashing]
- Merry Men, to the rescue!

[man] Hooray!
To the rescue! Come on!

Ho, ho, Maid Marian.
Victory is ours.

Oh, Robin Hood
and his Merry Men.

[all shouting indistinctly]

♪ Hooray! Hooray! ♪

♪ My Robin saved the day ♪

♪ Singing, hey, down
Merry down, down ♪

♪ Fol, rol, riddle, rol
Hey, noney, no ♪

♪ With a dum, dum, diddle, dum
Dum, dum, diddle, dum ♪

Quiet! Shh!
Listen, listen, shh.

Kermit, shouldn't we be
doing this on the stage?

On the stage? You're right.
Quick, Merry Men, to the stage!

- [all shouting]
- To the forest, here we go.

To the forest!
To the forest!

Come quickly. Come, Robin.

Come, Merry Men,
to the greensward.

- To the greensward!
- To the greensward!

- Come!
- To the greensward!

Yey! Yey!

- ♪ We won ♪
- ♪ We won ♪

♪ And now our play is done ♪

♪ Our fair maid
has been freed from the fort ♪

♪ By my brave little prince
of the wart ♪

♪ Now there's
naught to do but resort ♪

♪ To a feisty old cavort ♪

♪ Singing, hey, down
Merry down, down ♪

♪ Fol, rol, riddle, rol
Hey, noney, no ♪

♪ With the most sensational
cavort-ational ♪

♪ Inspirational
Muppetational ♪

♪ Tale of Robin Hood ♪

[applause]

Kermit, this has been a most
unique theatrical experience.

Oh, thank you. We can
take that as a compliment?

Um...

Well, we'll see you
next time on The Muppet Show.

- Bye.
- Kissy, kissy.

Miss Piggy, excuse me.
Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.
It was nice to be here.

Thank you. Yes,
I played 36 all of them.

Thank you.
Thank you, Lynn.

Thank you very much,
all the helpers.

Thank you, all the
little people back there.

Thank you, Lynn.
Thank you, Uncle J.P.

The legend of Robin Hood
will never die.

No, but it sure got wounded
pretty bad tonight.

[laughing]
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