08x01 - Mr. Monk's Favorite Show

[bunniefuu]

[Crickets chirping]

Please. No.

Please. I'm saying please.

I'm sorry, Mr. Monk, I'm not moving.

It's humiliating.

Look at me, I'm last in line.

Mr. Monk, there are two of us, and you're second.

I'm two. Second out of two.

We call that last.

I'm not moving. I'm on the heating grate.

I'm very comfortable.

You don't even like the show.

You don't even know who Christine rapp is.

I know who she is.

She's an actress from an old TV show that my boss is obsessed with.

I'm not obsessed.

I'm barely fixated.

I'm... i'm... I'm mildly...

Okay, I'm obsessed.

That show was very important to me.

Clearly.

Tuesdays at 8:00.

The Cooper clan.

It was like they were the only friends I had.

Okay, so what are you gonna say to her?

I'm gonna say thank you.

[Overlapping chatter]

There she is!

Christine, over here.

I love the book.

Where have you been the last 20 years?

Oh, I've been right here.

Where have you boys been?

It's 9:30. We should get to the bookstore.

Yeah, give me a minute.

Christine, you were pretty rough on some of your costars in the book.

I just told it like it was.

How do you think they'll react to that?

Oh, they'll get over it.

Steven dorn sounded pretty angry.

Steven dorn can write his own book.

He said you better watch your back.

Oh.

Well, maybe I should have one of you boys start my car for me.

Oh, wait, I don't need to. I can start it from here.

[Car beeps, engine starts]

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care

♪ well, I do

♪ hey, who's in charge here?

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ Do you know what's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention, you'd be worried too ♪

♪ You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just k*ll you

♪ I could be wrong now

♪ but I don't think so

♪ 'cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

In the slumber party episode...

"slumber party pooper." Season four, episode nine.

What was the name of janey's best friend?

Brenda.

Okay, who was scamp's trainer?

Wayne Julius.

How much did Cathy Cooper's first car cost?

Ah, that's too easy. $100.

What was the name of the school they attended?

Tatem elementary.

And what year was it built? What year?

Come on, it was on the cornerstone near the front door.

1928.

He gets half a point.

Okay, what color was the telephone in the living room?

Color?

Yellow.

You looked at the lunch box.

I did not. He looked at the lunch box.

No point for him. What's the score?

What's the score? What's the score?

I don't know, Mr. Monk.

What do you want the score to be?

Okay, okay, final round. This is for the game.

What is the name of the letter carrier in the pen pal episode?

Daisy green.

Wrong! He's wrong!

I win! It was Daisy green.

I have the episode guide right here.

No, no, no, no.

Her name was Daisy green in season two.

She got married in the series finale, remember?

She became Daisy... come on.

Brackowitz. Pow!

I didn't say, "what was her name?"

I said, "what is her name?"

Is, is.

See, I said "is". You heard me.

Is.

Game over. I win.

Have you even seen this show?

Yeah, it was good. It was called the Cooper clan.

Yeah, look it up in your little book.

He's got the little book.

He's got it. Look at your book.

He's got the book.

You know what, Mr. Monk, I'm actually glad we came.

I really am.

I've never seen you this excited about anything.

This show was important to you.

Yeah, it was all I had.

No matter how bad things got, I knew if I could just make it to Tuesday night...

8:00, Tuesday night... Everything would be okay.

It would all make sense, at least for half an hour.

They were like my other family.

Who am I kidding?

My real family was my other family.

Good morning.

Oh, is that it? Is that the book?

Could i... could I buy that?

Absolutely.

Keep the change.

Oh, wait. How much is the change?

Never mind. Keep the change.

Re-Cooper-ating.

I got the first copy.

First one. Cancelled?

I guess you people haven't heard.

It was on the news.

Someone just tried to k*ll her.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Captain, captain, is she... Is she...

Is she okay? Oh, my god.

She's okay. She wasn't in the car.

She had a remote control starter on her keychain.

Thing saved her life.

Oh, thank god.

Do you know her?

In a way, I watched her grow up.

You watched her grow up?

Oh, on television.

Yeah, I never missed an episode.

I was kinda obsessed with the show.

Really? Can't imagine.

Galvanized pipe b*mb?

Yep, black powder.

Electric blasting cap wired to the ignition.

Very simple, very crude.

Anyone who's online could have built it.

Means anybody could have done it but you.

We found some threatening letters.

We're gonna take another look at those, maybe see what the feds have to say.

Okay.

Oh, god.

That's her.

Yes, it is.

She got bigger.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh... my... god.

How is that?

It's filthy.

I thought I was a wild child. Look at this.

That's got to be a typo.

That is not a typo. And look at this.

"Chapter five: Boy crazy."

There's a list.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Ricardo montalban. Dudley Moore.

Cheech, Chong, cheech and Chong.

Ugh.

Why is there an asterisk next to Bob Denver?

Oh, my god.

Oh, that's not even the worst part.

Look. Page 73.

Is that even possible?

Oh, this is gonna k*ll Mr. Monk.

He's her biggest fan.

Natalie, there she is. It's really her.

I can't believe somebody tried to hurt her after she brought so much happiness to so many people.

We know. We've seen the list.

Excuse me, Christine.

Miss rapp. Miss Christine rapp.

Hello, yes, this is such a tremendous...

I'm, uh...

I'm gonna keep this forever.

Why?

It's actually quite an honor, believe it or not.

Cathy Cooper all grown up.

This isn't really a good time for us right now.

I'm sure you understand.

Yeah, I should explain. I'm Adrian monk.

I'm working with the San Francisco police.

That's why I'm here.

I'm not some crazy, fanatical groupie.

God, I can't believe I'm actually talking to you.

I'm Natalie teeger. I'm Mr. Monk's assistant.

Natalie.

Natalie.

Why are you wiping?

Tell you later? How do you feel?

I feel very lucky.

Of course. And scared to death.

Of course.

I'm sorry, I'm Kim Kelly.

I'm Christine's publicist.

Can I talk to you for a moment?

Sure.

I'm just gonna.

Um...

I'm sorry I didn't recognize you.

I've heard your name, of course.

You've helped a lot of people, haven't you?

Well...

I'm scared to death, Mr. Monk.

The person who did this, he isn't gonna stop.

Someone's been sending her letters, horrible letters, ever since she started writing her book.

Yes, yes, the captain did mention that.

The police say it's just an overzealous fan.

We thought so too, but after this, she needs a bodyguard.

Bodyguard, right.

Someone we can trust. I know you're busy.

Oh, I'll do it.

Okay.

$1,000 a week, is that fair?

Hmm.

It's a deal, I can't pay it all at once.

No, we would pay you.

Oh, even better. Of course.

So glad to help.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

I can breathe now.

I can't wait to tell Christine.

Welcome to the family.

Yeah.

I'm in the family.

I'm in the Cooper clan.

['70s style sitcom music]

Janey, I can't find my new Beatles record.

Scamp took it.

He likes the Beatles.

Our dog is a hippie.

We should have known, because he hates taking baths.

Both: Scamp, come back here.

[Blows whistle]

Danny, janey, I told you before.

No running in the house.

That's it. You're both grounded.

You're not the boss of us, Cathy.

When I'm wearing this, I am.

Billy, where are you going?

To the bathroom. Where's your hall pass?

You need to get one from mom.

Oh, shucky darns.

[Laugh track laughter]

All I can say is she better write fast.

[Laugh track laughter]

Ever since you were elected to the safety patrol, you've been driving us crazy.

Danny and monk: You're like a mad dictator.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

Let me guess, you never miss a rerun.

Yes, you are. Reruns?

[Blows whistle]

Are you telling me you know ever line of dialogue but you haven't seen an episode in 35 years?

Not crazy, just a fan.

I'm proud of you for wanting to keep people safe, honey, but here at home, that's my job.

You don't want to put me out of work, do you?

I never thought of it like that.

I guess Danny was right.

I let all that power go to my head.

I'm sorry, dad. I let you down.

[Audience awws]

[Rock music plays]

Danny's playing that music again.

Better go have a talk with him.

Mr. Cooper and monk: Can I borrow your sash?

Sure, dad.

[Audience awws]

He was such a great dad.

What was he like, you know, in real life?

Was he nice?

You haven't read my book, have you?

No, not yet. I can't wait.

Oh, listen, let's watch the babysitter episode.

Could we please?

I love the part where you and janey turn back all the clocks, right?

So that you could stay up later.

You two were such rascals.

How's the investigation going, Mr. Monk?

Anything to report?

Oh, yeah. Well, we have this...

Surveillance photo from the radio station.

He was standing across the street before the car exploded.

The police said he was there all morning.

Right. Christine said she never saw him before.

How 'bout you? No, sorry.

What about the letters?

Well, I'm gonna see captain stottlemeyer later today.

I should know a lot more then.

What do we do in the meantime?

Well, I suggest we watch a few more episodes of the Cooper clan and then take a tour of the house.

Why don't we take a tour of the house right now?

Oh, shucky darns. Get it?

[Chuckles]

That was what Billy said.

Yes.

Could you stop worrying for five minutes?

It's my job to worry.

[Theme song plays]

♪ Super-duper Cooper

♪ Cooper clan

And this, of course, is the bedroom.

Ah, uh-huh.

Where does that lead?

The patio.

All right, you want to make sure those doors are double bolted and change the locks.

Yes, sir. I'll take care of it.

Oh, and you're gonna need to black out all those windows.

Buy some curtains. Make sure they're heavy.

Remember when Billy and Danny rigged all the window curtains to make you think there was a ghost?

That was another classic.

A mirror?

Oh, very good.

Excellent precaution.

I see, so that if you're lying in bed and someone breaks in through that door...

You have the...

Triangul...

Or...

I don't get it.

It's more of a personal thing.

You know, you should really read my book.

Yeah, yeah, I can't wait.

Oh, we have a permit for that.

That was my idea.

I had Christine buy one after she received her first letter.

Good, good.

Hmm.

No.

In season three, episode ten, you said you were allergic to peanuts, but then in season five, right, the bake sale episode, you ate those brownies and you never had any reaction.

Well, maybe Dr. Nabors gave me some medicine.

You mean Dr. Norberg.

That's impossible, because at the end of the tonsils episode, Dr. Norberg said he was retiring.

Oh, I don't know.

I just... i don't know.

Do you have any other questions?

Yes, yes, I do.

I mean not related to the show.

Oh, no.

Well, I have a photo sh**t later, so I better get dressed.

Okay.

Oh, do you want to come with me, Mr. Bodyguard?

Oh, no, I don't think that's necessary.

Shy, huh?

I like that in a man.

She likes anything in a man.

Oh, the silver globe.

Oh, yes.

It's beautiful, isn't it? Yeah.

Oh, this hunk of metal saved her career.

She won it for a TV movie about anorexia.

The vanishing girl, I remember.

That was the only awards show I ever saw.

I was probably more nervous that she was.

And it went on forever, didn't it?

First that guy came out and told all those jokes.

That was Bob hope. Whatever.

And then the two accountants came out and went on and on and on about all the rules.

They were from fineman and Kelly.

They tabulated the ballots.

Yeah, and then finally they announced her name, best supporting actress, Christine rapp.

God, I was so happy. I was.

I was cheering like, "ahh"

[Christine screams]

Christine?

[Panting]

He's gonna k*ll me.

How'd he get in? I don't know.

Maybe through the basement. She's got to be a mess.

She's a basket case.

I told her to check in to a motel under an assumed name.

Yeah. That's a good idea.

There's no fingerprints on the lipstick.

No fingerprints on the mirror.

And the handwriting, such as it is, matches the letters.

They're all postmarked sunset heights.

Yeah.

Any fibers, DNA?

Negative. Envelopes are clean too.

Wait a second.

What is it?

I know this sounds crazy, but I've seen this handwriting somewhere before.

Where?

I don't know. Somewhere... well, he's obviously disguising it.

I mean, he probably uses his left hand.

That makes sense.

Or if he was a lefty, he used his right hand.

That makes sense.

Or if he was ambidextrous, he probably got drunk and then wrote it.

That makes less sense.

You want to look at them again?

I don't have to.

I didn't write them.

How 'bout this morning, Steven, around 7:45?

I was in bed, alone.

Well, that's unfortunate.

I agree.

Keep your mouth shut.

I wonder what he was referring to.

Yeah, Mr. Monk, you really, really need to read her book.

Yeah, will read it later when I have some time.

I want to savor it.

No, see, Mr. Monk, this is the thing.

You're not gonna want to savor this one, believe me.

Randy, is that Billy Cooper?

Yeah, I think that's the guy who played Billy Cooper.

Is this you?

That could be anybody.

I didn't ask if it was anybody.

It's not me.

Okay, do you own a sweatshirt like that?

I just told you it's not me.

Am I some sort of suspect here or... shucky darns.

Hey, Steven. Hey, shucky darns.

Steven.

Shucky darns!

[Laughs]

Shucky darn.

Monk, come here.

Yeah, that's what he said on the show almost every week, right?

You remember? You remember?

Do I remember? Yeah. Yeah, sorta rings a bell.

Who is this guy?

I'm... I'm Adrian monk.

Have you been receiving letters too?

Oh, my god.

He's probably after the whole cast.

Okay, it's gonna be okay.

We got a photo of the guy.

We got samples of his handwriting.

All right, listen, we are gonna...

We are gonna catch this creep. Monk.

Me and him, don't you worry.

Monk. You have my word, because he picked on the wrong family.

Monk, we are questioning Mr. Dorn about the accident this morning.

He is a person of interest.

This some kind of a joke, captain?

He was in the Cooper clan.

He was Billy.

Billy Cooper.

Say, "shucky darns." No.

Come on, just say it.

"Her former costar, Steven dorn, declared 'Christine rapp is dead to me.'" that is a figure of speech.

"She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.

"Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck."

Did you say that? Why would you say that?

Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.

Are we talking about the same Christine rapp, the actr...

She... she was your sister.

He hasn't read the book, has he?

No.

Okay, monk.

I know you're not officially on the force anymore, and I can't give you orders, but I am ordering you to go home and read this book.

Oh, my god.

My god.

Oh... my... god.

You okay? This is horrible.

It's horrible. What are you drinking?

Tea. Is it hot?

Yes.

Good. Pour it into my eyes.

Mr. Monk. Do it, blind me.

You know what, she's an actress.

They all have problems, especially when they start that young.

Judy garland... what is that?

I don't know.

Thank you for not knowing.

You're welcome.

This is unbelievable.

Of course someone's trying to k*ll her.

Anyone she's ever met has a motive.

Anyone who's ever read this has a motive.

There's a page missing, page 73.

Maybe it fell out.

Pages don't fall out.

Mr. Monk, it fell out.

It was torn out.

It fell out.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

No, no, Mr. Monk, you don't want to see page 73.

What, it can't be any worse than the rest of it.

You wanna bet?

I have to know.

No, Mr. Monk, please.

Mr. Monk, please. It's my book.

Let me see it.

Let me see it!

What are you doing?

It's for your own good.

That's $87. Is this mastercard or... do you take cash?

Sure, yeah, cash will do.

85, 86, 87.

Great.

Do I know you?

No, you do not.

Okay, room eight is just up those stairs.

[g*nshots]

Hello, I'm at the safari inn near the airport.

Somebody's been sh*t.

[Police radio chatter]

[Emergency sirens]

We'll just be a little while.

There she is.

Did anybody else know you were here?

He must have followed her.

Okay, so you checked in.

I checked in. I was walking to my room.

He was right there. He just came at me.

Did you see a w*apon? A Kn*fe.

He had a Kn*fe.

He said, "I got you this time."

I had a g*n, my g*n, in my purse.

I pulled it out. I wasn't even thinking.

I just closed my eyes and bang.

Hey, monk, you okay?

Well, if you're not too busy, the body's over here.

Thank you.

So who was he? Ah, a nobody.

Well, as close to a nobody as you're gonna find.

Timlinson.

Timlinson? Yeah.

We just ran his name.

Never been arrested.

Not even a traffic ticket.

Manages a taco bell.

Before that, 15 years with the city parks and maintenance.

Before that, he was in the mail room at some big accounting firm.

Before that, a couple years of community college.

Under the radar his whole life until about an hour ago.

And he wrote all those letters?

Yeah, looks like it. We found more in his coat.

Plus the handwriting matches, at least to me.

Plus he lives in sunset heights.

That's where the other letters were postmarked.

Why would he do it?

Maybe he loved the show.

Maybe the show meant the world to him, and she betrayed everything it stood for.

He read the book, didn't he?

Not page 73.

No, I ate it.

Good.

Miss rapp, do you remember signing this?

We found it in his car.

No, but I've signed millions of those.

[Chuckling] I'll bet you have.

Mr. Monk, thank you for being here.

And you never saw this guy before?

No. Maybe.

I meet a lot of people.

Yeah, we know. We read the book.

Maybe you should have called your friend Bob Denver.

Mr. Monk. I'm so sorry.

He's never really read anything like that before.

Can I take her home now? Yeah.

We'll bring the car around front.

We'll deal with this tomorrow.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Monk.

Is it true, the things in the book?

The things... things you did?

Not the whole truth.

I knew it. I knew it.

Thank god.

I mean, I've done a lot worse.

I mean, stuff I couldn't even write about.

I was young, Mr. Monk.

Weren't you young once?

Right?

Maybe you weren't.

But you've been lonely.

I can tell.

I was just a girl, Mr. Monk.

Just a girl, trying to be a little less lonely.

I don't have a lot of happy memories.

Watching that show was about it.

Now it's gone.

Well, if that's true, I'm really sorry.

Can you forgive me?

No.

Don't be mad.

I know how you hate surprises, so I'm just gonna warn you.

I'm gonna be surprising you.

What? When?

In about ten seconds.

This is sort of a heads-up, like a surprise alert.

Wait.

You can't just burst in here and say, "surprise alert."

You have to give me a little warning.

Oh, okay, sorry.

This is the surprise alert warning.

This is the surprise alert.

Now...

Surprise!

I called ambrose, and he told me this was your favorite snack.

Ten round crackers, a glass of apple juice with one ice cube.

What's going on?

And I rented this, your favorite show.

I don't have a favorite show.

Mr. Monk, I know how important this show is to you.

Okay, you can still enjoy it.

You can still watch it.

All right, all right, you're 12 years old. It's Tuesday night.

It's 8:00. You've been waiting all week.

It's Cooper clan time.

♪ Make yourself at home with the Cooper clan ♪

♪ You'll never be alone with the Cooper clan ♪

♪ You got bill, janey, Cathy, and Dan ♪

♪ Don't forget skip it's scamp.

Scamp, get off that divan!

You wasted your money.

I can't watch it.

You know what, forget about Christine rapp and her stupid, stupid book.

Everybody in Hollywood's crazy, and if we think about that stuff, nobody would ever to go the movies.

I don't go to the movies. Or watch TV.

I don't watch TV. You get the point.

No, I don't.

All right, let's just try it.

Let's just watch one. Which one do you want to see?

Let's see.

"Where there's fire, there's smoking."

That sounds funny.

"Slumber party pooper." "Grounded for life."

Well, I mean, they all sound fantastic.

Okay.

Let's just play the first one.

Episode four, "broken arm, broken heart."

Ooh, good choice. Episode four.

♪ Make yourself at home with the Cooper clan ♪

♪ You'll never be alone with the Cooper clan ♪ Picture go fast. It just started.

Picture go fast. Go fast.

Picture regular.

Picture regular.

Hey, Jimmy, you want to sign my cast?

[Boys chuckle]

Nobody groovy wants to sign my cast.

Picture freezer.

Picture freezer.

The "e" and the "t".

It's the same handwriting. As what?

As the mirror and the letters sent to Christine rapp.

I knew I'd seen it before.

She wrote those letters to herself with her left hand.

Why?

So she could k*ll Victor timlinson and claim it was self-defense.

She was setting him up.

You heard the captain. He was a nobody.

Well, he was somebody to her.

[Knocking]

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Timlinson?

I don't think he's home.

Probably not.

He's single, and he's dead.

Oh, yeah.

Wait.

Are you going in?

It'd be a crime not to.

It'd be a crime if we did.

So it doesn't matter either way.

[Sighs]

Oh.

Ew.

Don't touch anything.

I'll try not to.

I was talking to myself.

Oh. So what are we looking for?

A connection between this guy and Christine rapp.

She k*lled him on purpose, so they must have known each other.

I don't see anything.

Exactly. That's what's wrong.

I mean, he was obsessed with her, remember?

Where are the pictures?

Where's his Cooper clan lunch box?

There should be a shrine.

Yeah.

I'll go check in back.

Interior decorating?

I don't think so.

Natalie.

Natalie, look at this.

I got it.

['70s style sitcom music]

You know, this was your mother's favorite vase.

It was a family heirloom.

Do you know what heirloom means?

Easily breakable?

[Laugh track laughter]

Dad, you're a surgeon. Why can't you operate on it?

Wish I could, Billy, but I'm afraid in this case, the patient's never gonna recover.

You all know the rules about running in the house.

We need to know what happened here.

Which one of you broke the vase?

Danny, do you have something to say?

Maybe it was a ghost.

I always felt this living room was haunted.

The window was open. Maybe a raccoon came in.

I don't think it was a raccoon.

It's not a ghost.

I think the culprit is in this room right now.

Why are you always accusing us?

Why don't you ever get mad at Adrian?

Yeah, you never even suspect him.

Adrian never gets in trouble.

Adrian is perfect. Adrian, Adrian, Adrian.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, mom. Hey, dad.

Hey, Danny. Hey, Cathy.

Hey, Billy. Hey, janey.

Sorry I'm late.

I was busy at school because I'm so popular.

Oh, guess what. I made the football team.

And guess what else. I'm the quarterback, the popular star quarterback.

And nobody makes fun of me because I'm so popular.

That's wonderful, Adrian.

Just don't throw the ball around the house.

Oops.

Why not?

The vase is already broken.

[Laugh track laughter]

I'm so proud of you, son.

Thanks for being such a wonderful boy.

You're welcome, dad.

And thank you for never driving away and leaving us forever.

[Audience awws]

I would never do such a thing.

You don't have to worry about that.

[Audience awws]

[Audience awws]

[Audience awws]

Cathy, is there anything you'd like to say to mom and dad?

Mom, dad, I have a confession.

Scamp broke your vase.

Scamp?

We didn't want to tell you.

We were afraid you'd send him back to the kennel.

[Audience awws]

I understand why you did what you did, but it's never right to lie.

Sorry, dad.

Cathy, is there anything else you'd like to confess?

I looked in janey's diary.

[Audience oohs]

No, no, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about this.

You mean, all the trophies you won playing sports?

Ha ha! No, not my trophies.

I'm talking about her silver globe award.

You didn't really earn this, did you?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Here's what happened.

35 years ago, after this show was cancelled, your career was in trouble.

I'm not listening.

♪ La, la, la, la, la and when you were nominated for this award, you knew it was your last chance, and you would do anything to win.

You met a fan named Victor timlinson.

He told you where he worked.

It was the luckiest break of your career.

He worked for an accounting firm called fineman and Kelly.

They tabulated the ballots for all the big show business awards.

I don't know how you did it.

Maybe you paid him off.

Maybe you flirted with him.

But somehow you convinced him to rig the final tally.

Years went by.

You probably figured you'd never see him again.

But when he read about your big book deal, Mr. Timlinson reappeared.

He got greedy.

He tried to shake you down.

He threatened to tell the world the truth about how you really won this.

And you knew if you paid him, he'd eventually want more.

They always do.

So you decided to k*ll him.

That's crazy talk.

You set him up!

You sent those letters to yourself.

You even blew up your own car.

On Monday night, you arranged to meet him at that motel.

[g*nshots]

You sh*t him.

You planted that Kn*fe in his hand and those letters in his coat.

Cathy, we've talked about this.

k*lling people is never the answer.

I'm afraid you're grounded, young lady.

It's not fair.

He doesn't have any proof.

The d.A. Is gonna laugh you out of his office.

I don't think so.

'Cause I found this in timlinson's apartment in a hollowed-out book.

The original ballots.

Timlinson must have kept a couple as an insurance policy.

I'm very disappointed in you, Cathy.

It's not just Cathy! This whole family is wacko.

It's all in her book.

You know where she is now?

She's in Miami dancing in a strip club.

What choice do I have?

I have a baby to feed.

Danny didn't send me any child support.

I haven't seen a nickel.

Yeah, well, how do I know the kid's even mine, huh, janey?

What about me?

You got hooked on crystal meth.

This was the last job you ever had.

Oh, shucky darns.

[Laugh track laughter]

Do you hear that?

What are they laughing at?

What are you...

Mr. Monk, help me.

I'm not finished yet.

Mr. Monk, help me, please!

Mr. Monk, help me.

Help me, please.

[Groaning, grunting]

Mr. Monk, help me.

Get back!

Get back.

Don't move.

Stay there.

Stay down, and just stay right there.

You're in big, big trouble, young lady.

That was from episode five, season two, "grounded for life."

I used to love that one.

Can I help you?

Yes.

I would like to return this.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was there a problem?

Yes, there was a problem.

She's a whore.

And she k*lled someone.

That too.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

Here you go.

Anything else?

Yeah, it's hardly worth mentioning.

Do you remember when I said you could keep the change?

How much was it?

12 cents.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Is there a problem?

This page is from a different book.

It's been taped in.

Ha. I don't think so.

"Oliver was told that he might do

"what he like with his old clothes.

He gave them to a servant who'd been kind to him."

This is from Oliver twist.

I told you. I'm sorry, I tried to tell him.

Now I remember.

See, she ate page 73, so I put another page in there, a different page.

You ruined the book.

Actually, I improved the book.

That's Charles dickens. It's a classic.

I don't understand. Why would you do this?

I believe the sign says, "no questions."

Sorry.

[Sighs]

What?

They were the only family I had.

Now I got nothing.

That's not true, Mr. Monk. You have me.

And you have Julie, and you have Randy, and the captain. We're your family.

Ah, it's not the same. Sure it is.

You don't say funny things. Sure we do.

Say something funny.

Well, I can't just say something funny off the top of my head.

Yeah, Cathy Cooper could.

Well, she had writers.

Okay, wait, wait, I got one.

Knock, knock.

That's not funny.