08x03 - Mr. Monk and the UFO

[bunniefuu]

Are you mad at me?

You're mad at me.

I'm a detective. I can tell.

I didn't do anything wrong.

You didn't do anything.

That's the problem.

You didn't say a single word all night.

I don't understand. Why did you want to come?

You begged me to invite you.

I didn't want to be alone.

You were gonna be gone all weekend.

It's embarrassing.

Those people are my oldest friends.

Everybody thought you were sick or something.

You just walked around rearranging spoons and plates and sweeping up crumbs.

Couldn't you have at least tried?

I tried. I smiled.

I smiled a lot.

You were wincing!

That's my smile. That's how I smile.

I'm just not a people person.

But what does that mean?

What does that mean? You're not human?

Actually, you know what?

That would explain a lot.

It wouldn't explain everything, but it would explain a lot.

[Bang]

Uh... Did you hear that?

That can't be good.

Why are we in this car?

I told you Julie borrowed my car.

She's moving some furniture.

We are in the wrong car.

This is the wrong car!

Well, it's too late now!

[Engine sputters]

Ugh.

It's not the radiator hose.

What about that?

That's the radiator hose. It's not that.

It's not the battery.

It's not the alternator.

What about that?

That's the radiator hose, Mr. Monk.

You keep pointing to the same thing.

Here. Call for help.

It says "no signal."

Well, then go try over there.

[Suspicious music]

♪

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care

♪ well, I do

♪ hey, who's in charge here?

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ Do you know what's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention, you'd be worried too ♪

♪ You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just k*ll you

♪ I could be wrong now

♪ but I don't think so

♪ 'cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

Well, for starters, you got a blown solenoid.

That's just for starters.

Monk, everybody needs their eyes checked.

Stop saying that. I don't need glasses.

I definitely saw something.

It was some kind of aircraft.

I'm sure you did, Mr. Monk.

At least you think you did.

It knocked out one, two, three routing switches.

Fried some wiring.

It's gonna run you 300, parts and labor.

Ugh. Well, when will it be ready?

Tomorrow if you're lucky.

Excuse me.

Is there an air force base around here?

An air force base?

Can't say there is, because there ain't.

Oh. Weather station?

No.

We got a new putt-putt course out on highway nine.

You're probably wondering why I'm asking.

Not particularly.

I, uh, I saw something in the sky last night.

Some kind of hovering thing.

A hovering thing? Like a flying saucer?

Not a saucer, no.

Okay, yes.

Yes, it was sort of... Saucer-shaped.

I know that sounds crazy not to me. I saw a ghost once.

Okay.

What?

Not the same thing.

I saw a ghost.

It was in my stepfather's barn.

Right. Right, right.

What you saw was real but I didn't see a ghost?

There's a difference.

I'm not you.

I, uh, I make my living up here... With my head.

You're calling me stupid.

No. [Nervous laugh]

No, that's not what he meant.

Well, maybe I'm not smart enough to fix your car.

Huh?

No. No, no, no, no.

Sir, sir, sir. Mister, um, mister...

Boom.

What my friend meant to say... no, no, no, no. You can fix the car.

You're car smart.

I'm car smart?

Is that what you just said?

I don't remember.

Okay, you know what?

Here's my new estimate. $800.

You just said 300!

Well, I must've added the numbers wrong.

I was confused.

You see, I'm not really smart up here.

I'll go write it up.

Apologize. Okay, I'm sorry.

Not to me. To the guy.

What for? You called him stupid!

Well...

You can't say things like that, Mr. Monk.

He's a human being. He has feelings.

Do you have no empathy at all for other people?

Put yourself in his place.

You know, imagine being him.

Okay, I'm him.

Oh, god, I got to go take a shower and finish high school.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

We don't accept checks.

[Phone rings]

Stottlemeyer.

Captain. Hey, it's Natalie.

Hey. Uh, I don't think we're gonna be making that training seminar today.

Oh, that's all right. We can reschedule it.

What's going on? You okay?

Yeah, I think so. You think so?

Well, I'm in Nevada with Mr. Monk.

My car broke down.

We're in some town called vintonville.

I've never heard of it.

Yeah, I don't think it's actually on any maps.

What's wrong with the car? I don't know.

There's only one mechanic in town.

His name is boom boom and he already hates us.

[Laughs] How's monk holding up?

Not so good. He thinks he saw a ufo.

Really?

Well, maybe they're there to take him home.

Maybe that's his ride.

[Laughs]

That's what I said!

That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?

I'm really worried, sheriff.

I can see that, Dolly.

It's not like her.

All her lights have been out for four days.

How do you explain that?

We both know what Margie's like.

Remember three years ago?

She ran off to Reno with the accordion player.

Excuse me.

Yeah, I'll be right with you.

Unless it's an emergency. No.

Good, good.

Because frankly I wouldn't know what to do if it was.

Well, why didn't she ask me to bring in her mail?

She always asks me to bring in her mail.

Because maybe she left in a hurry.

Maybe she got swept off her feet.

This is Marge we're talking about.

Can't you go in and look around.

I don't have any cause, Dolly.

It's only been four days.

Come on, I will bet you a slice of your award-winning pecan pie that next week she shows up with a new boyfriend or a new tattoo or both.

It is gonna work itself out, I promise.

It always does.

[Sighs]

Everybody's business is everybody else's business.

That's why we live here, I guess.

So, how can I help you, mister, um...

Monk. Adrian monk.

Mr. Monk.

I was at a wedding last night in montville with my assistant.

And we were driving home and the car broke down.

It was about a mile north of here.

There was a bridge. Yeah, west creek bridge.

Well, I saw something.

Okay.

In... in the sky.

Ah.

Yeah, it... it was about 10:30 P.M.

And it was all lit up.

It was hovering there.

And, uh, and it went zipping around.

You saw a ufo?

No. No, I didn't say that.

Oh.

[Clears throat]

So, uh, was it an object?

Yes.

Uh, could you identify it?

No, no. No.

And it was flying.

Yes.

You add that all up, Mr. Monk, you've got yourself a ufo.

Okay, look.

All I'm asking is this:

Did anyone else see anything last night?

No, sir. Nothing was reported.

You know, the weather out here can be a little bit tricky.

Occasionally we get something called dry lightening.

No, this wasn't lightening.

It was a vehicle.

It was a flying... Thing.

Okay.

Where... where are you staying?

We're at the sleep inn out on route four.

Okay, well, I will call you if I hear anything.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Okay, can I just say one thing here?

Okay, I am not one of those, you know, nuts.

I'm a former detective.

I work for the San Francisco police quite a bit.

In fact, you can call them.

That won't be necessary.

I believe you saw what you saw.

Let me show you something, Mr. Monk.

These are the cases that I have pending.

I've got a rabid raccoon on the loose.

And I've got teenagers knocking over some mailboxes.

And now I've got Dolly who thinks that her neighbor's gone missing.

And this is a busy week for me.

To tell you the truth, I kind of hope you're right.

I mean, a martian invasion would be quite a nice change of pace around here.

[Laughs]

Look there! What's that?

What's that over there?

Mr. Monk, it's a firefly.

Oh, yeah.

While I was at the library, I did some research on u... You know.

Ufos. Right.

And they said it's usually swamp gas.

Yeah, you could be right.

Except we're 3,000 miles from the nearest swamp.

I think I was just tired and seeing things.

Yeah, that's what I think.

Mr. Monk, Ms. Teeger, I got your message about your staying another night.

Yeah, is that okay? Sure, no problem.

Stay as long as you want.

It's nice to have the company and the truth is it's been pretty quiet.

Is there a problem with your room?

I couldn't help noticing all your cleaning supplies.

Oh, no, no. It's fine.

The hotel's great.

This is just a hobby.

He only bought one bag.

That's like giving you a gold star.

[Laughs]

Really?

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. What?

Cheese and crackers.

You see that?

Are you nodding? Yeah, I am.

All: Whoa!

[Sighs]

[Groans]

[Grumbles]

[Sighs]

[Excited chatter]

I bet they came from Andromeda from the first or second nebulae, which means they've been traveling for 5,217 years.

There are no inhabitable planets in the Andromeda galaxy, nimrod.

Don't call him nimrod.

It's okay. It's my name.

Oh.

Hey! Guys!

Guys, you know there was a sighting here 65 years ago.

Government said that it was a weather balloon.

A weather balloon?

Excuse me.

Did you make the video, the one on the Internet?

That was me.

Where'd you see it?

Over there, right above that tree.

Oh.

Who are they?

Oh, it's the Internet, Mr. Monk.

News like this travels fast.

Ah, the Internet people.

Hi. Is this the lobby?

It's right over there.

What's going on here?

Is there a loser convention in town?

Somebody saw a flying saucer.

A flying saucer?

I know.

The image I saw was clearly a class four intergalactic doom freighter.

Flying saucer?

They're coming for the oxygen.

Have the negotiations started yet?

Uh, we haven't heard.

I'm gonna call the garage, see if the car's ready.

Yeah, dial fast.

Dial like the wind.

Excuse me.

The hotel clerk said that you were the Alpha contact.

The Alpha contact?

The first to see them.

Did the saucer make any noise?

Were the lights blinking?

And was it like a random blinking or was it more rhythmic?

Were you probed?

Uh, nah... nah... no.

Are you sure?

Sometimes they probe you and give you an amnesia pill.

Yeah, I'd remember.

Sometimes they give you a frontal lobotomy.

I'd still remember. Natalie!

[Beeping]

Um, pardon me. Pardon me.

The part's not in yet.

I think he's still mad at you.

Call him again. Call him back!

It was just two minutes ago.

Well, offer him more money.

Offer to marry him!

They found the landing site!

[Beeping]

Excuse me. Don't touch that.

That could be evidence.

One, two, three, four depressions.

Maybe it's from the landing gear.

Holy moly!

This one actually might be real!

A real one finally.

Can't wait to tell my stepdad.

He's been laughing at me for 20 years.

Look at these burn marks.

They must be from the... From the...

From the... what do you call it? The thrusters.

Somebody should get a picture of this.

So, what do you think?

I can't think.

All these Internet people.

We're going to fan out and look for the rest of the fleet.

Great idea. Fan out.

Fan way out.

Way, way, way, way out.

Well, there was something here.

I mean, something made these impressions.

It had to be last night because it rained yesterday.

Mr. Monk, isn't it possible?

We both saw what we saw.

No!

No, it is not possible.

Of course it's possible.

As Carl sagan said, "it's pure hubris to assume our tiny blue marble could contain the only intelligent life in the galaxy."

The aliens have arrived.

Or. Or what?

Or anything.

Any other explanation.

It... it might have been some kind of a prank.

Maybe some college kids.

Why would they bother?

I don't know.

All I know is it wasn't from... Outer space.

All right?

Let's agree to disagree, hmm?

Let's agree to not even do that.

Wipe.

What is he doing?

He has a little germ thing.

You afraid of our germs?

Not yours in particular. Anybody's.

He's not sweating.

Yeah, I noticed that too.

How come you're not sweating?

I don't sweat.

I... it's a glandular thing.

He was the Alpha contact.

He was going like this. What do you think it means?

It's some kind of signal.

No, it's not a signal.

It... it just helps me concentrate.

Can we see your belly button?

No, you may not.

What are you doing?

We're showing you ours.

Now you show us yours.

He has a belly button, okay?

Pretty sure.

You're pretty sure? But you've never seen it.

He's not an alien.

Are you sure about that?

100%? What do you want from us?

How often do you excrete?

Oh.

See, our car's in the shop. Yeah.

So, and we think it's ready.

And I think they're calling, actually.

They're ready. They just called me.

Another day?

It's my distributor.

He sent me the wrong part.

I guess he's even more stupid than I am.

Here's the thing, bobo. It's boom boom.

Boom boom. Sorry.

We really have to get back home, so we could pay extra if there's any way we could expedite things.

Well, let's see.

We'll give him a call.

It's ringing.

Charlie!

It's your old pal, boom boom.

Okay, listen, boom boom.

About yesterday, I'm sorry I said you were stupid out loud.

You're not sorry you thought it, you're just sorry you said it?

Yeah, I'm not gonna apologize for thinking... just don't say anything else!

I'm not... Shh!

We're gonna check back in with you later, boom boom.

Thank you.

Over here!

Not so loud. You'll scare them away.

I don't think so.

Saw a movie once about an extra terrestrial who didn't know he was an extra terrestrial.

They rewired his brain or something.

I don't watch movies. Give me bad dreams.

That's funny.

In the movie, the extra terrestrial had bad dreams.

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

[Horn honks]

Mr. Monk, you mentioned you were a detective.

I took the Liberty of calling San Francisco.

Spoke to Leland stottlemeyer.

He spoke very highly of you.

I wonder if you could help us out.

Edward Garcia, Adrian monk, Natalie teeger.

Dr. Garcia and I don't get many cases like this, so we want to be sure that we got it right.

Oh, god. Oh, no!

Oh, the poor thing.

The missing woman?

I owe Dolly a big apology.

This is, or was Marge Larkin.

Where's her face?

Coyotes, probably.

She's been five days, maybe six in the sun.

She was a hiker?

Marge was a lot of things.

She, uh, she came into a little bit of money a few years ago when her parents d*ed, and so she just dabbled in all kinds of things.

Yoga, spelunking, trout farming.

And apparently hiking.

Where's her face?

We already talked about the face, okay?

Where did they find her?

A couple of those ufo aficionados found her in the foothills about five miles west.

Just lucky break.

They were all out there looking for e.T.

She could've been out there forever.

I figure she was hiking along the Ridge, fell somehow, hit her head, and d*ed instantly.

And then the coyotes must've dragged the body about a mile, maybe two, into the desert.

Dr. Garcia's written "accidental death" on the certificate, but I asked him to write it in pencil because I wanted to get a second opinion.

Why?

It's a very small town, Mr. Monk.

And Marge Larkin was as close as we have to an important person.

So, like I said, I wanted to get this right.

Yeah, please.

So, head trauma.

She fell face first.

There's no defensive wounds.

No... no scratches.

So, she didn't put her hands out when she fell.

These clothes appear to be new.

Sleeves are too short.

[Blowing]

And the treads on these boots, they're not warn down at all.

What was that?

Silicon packet.

They sometimes put them in new boots.

Well, she couldn't have been hiking, not with that in her shoe.

Mm-mmm.

What does it mean?

It means that somebody dressed her after she was dead.

After she was m*rder*d.

Thank you again for calling me.

Of course we called you, Kyle.

You're her brother.

Is there anybody else we should notify?

No, it was just me and Marge.

Can't believe she kept all this junk.

It's like a pawn shop.

When was the last time you were here?

6 1/2 years ago, my father's funeral.

It's no secret.

Marge and I, we weren't close.

Mm-hmm.

You... you never spoke.

Oh, Christmas, birthdays.

Families, you know. It's complicated.

Excuse me.

Her plants are dying. Do you mind?

Sure, thank you.

Marge loved these plants.

Wasn't crazy about people but she loved her foliage.

Last I heard you had a shop in San Diego.

Yeah, it was fun while it lasted.

I filed chapter 11 a year ago.

Whole mall went under.

You need a deputy?

What is it?

It's double-sided tape.

There was a rug here.

What is that?

It's from a shirt.

A new shirt.

I think she was k*lled here in this room.

And then redressed.

You really think someone m*rder*d my sister?

Sheriff, I'd like to see where they found the body.

[Beeping] You hear that?

What the hell is that?

They think that Mr. Monk is from outer space.

[Laughs]

He's not.

Hey!

Get off the Van, you freak!

What's wrong with you?

My sister just d*ed.

There he is!

Where are you from?

I was born in marin county.

Really, he's not alien. He's just persnickety.

What is love? I don't know.

What is the frequency?

Uh, yeah, I don't know.

Really, he doesn't know the frequency.

Can we touch you?

No, don't touch him!

Our germs are poison to him!

Actually, that one's kind of true.

Please, monk, we've been waiting for so long.

We just need some answers. You just stay back.

We've got some earth business to take care of.

Make him show you his belly button!

Yeah, that's right!

They found the body here against this rock.

The coyote tracks heading west, but they're gone now.

Can they drag a body that far?

Oh, sure.

I've seen them drag a deer carcass seven miles.

[Car approaching]

Listen.

[Car door shuts] Somebody's here.

Thought I saw something following us.

Must be one of your ufo buddies.

What the hell did you say to them anyway?

Nothing.

I was just minding my own business.

Was being myself.

And suddenly everybody wants to know the frequency.

[g*nshots, b*ll*ts ricocheting] Ah!

For the love of god, Mr. Monk!

Show them your belly button!

Never! Get down!

Get down! It's Sandy.

Well, just squat! Squat!

[g*nshots]

Stay here.

Ow! Oh, no!

Oh, god! Look, you're bleeding!

It's probably from the b*llet.

Ow.

[Engine starts] Wait, listen, listen.

I think he's leaving.

[Vehicle driving off]

Come in.

This is sheriff Fletcher. Hello, anybody?

What about the cell? No signal.

Well, at least he didn't k*ll us.

Are we sure about that?

Let's revue the situation, shall we?

We're in the desert.

No car, no radio.

And coyotes... Face-eating coyotes...

And things that eat the face-eating coyotes, and things that eat the things that eat... yeah, we get it.

He left us for dead.

So what do we do?

Well, I would very much like to disappoint him.

One of us is gonna have to go get help.

The highway's about 15 miles that way.

All right, Natalie and I will go.

Mr. Monk, we can't leave him. He's been sh*t.

Okay.

Natalie and I will stay here.

Mr. Monk, he can't walk.

Well, what do you suggest, Natalie?

Do you have any ideas at all?

Yeah.

You get help.

I stay here and take care of the sheriff.

Any ideas at all.

Because if you do, I'd really like to hear them.

So, no ideas.

Not a one.

[Quirky mysterious music]

♪

Uhn!

[Heaves and groans]

Are you okay?

Just keep going, Mr. Monk.

You can do it!

What are you doing?

That's the only water you have. Don't waste it!

They're all Sandy.

No, Mr. Monk. Save the water.

Just go! Go!

[Sighs]

That's better.

Here's what happened.

[Laughs] Who are you talking to?

Who are you talking to?

It's evidence. Let's take it with us.

I usually have some candy in here.

Here. Here's some breath mints.

Is that it?

[Coyote howls]

I'm gonna ask you if that was a coyote and you say no.

Was that a coyote?

No.

Really, was it a coyote?

Yeah.

[Howling]

I'm sweating.

Look, I'm sweating!

Okay.

I'm human.

Not particularly proud of it.

I'm human, okay?

Oh, this is it.

This is where it ends.

This is it.

Surrounded by dirt.

Covered in dirt.

You win, dirt!

Congratulations, dirt!

Well played.

Oh, Natalie, you were right.

You called it. I'm dying alone.

I don't want to die alone.

I want people...

People... [Crying]

Who said it...

I like people.

Gimme a chance!

Just give me once more chance.

I'll be nice. I'll be... I'll be good.

I'll be... I'll be empathetic.

I'll be the empathetic detective.

Just... just send me some people!

Please!

I need people.

People.

People!

Mr. Monk!

Not these people.

[Grumbling]

Doctor, doctor, I think he's awake.

Mr. Monk?

[Moans]

What did he say?

"Floss."

Floss?

He means his teeth.

Mr. Monk, you flossed your teeth last night in the hospital for about three hours.

Then you took a four-hour shower.

I don't think there's any hot water left in the whole state.

Let's try this again.

Adrian, when they found you, you were carrying this bag.

You wouldn't let go of it.

I think it's important.

I'm looking at batteries, engine lubricant, eye glass wipes.

I know what happened.

You mean about the ufo or about Marge's m*rder?

Both.

It's all connected.

The eye glass wipes, they're Kyle Larkin's.

He k*lled his sister.

For the money, of course.

He put her in a hiking outfit and dumped her body in the desert.

It would look like an accident.

Like she was out hiking, lost her footing, and fell.

As soon as anybody found the body, he'd be rich.

He went home and waited for the call that his sister's body had been discovered.

But something was wrong. The call never came.

He realized the coyotes must've dragged it away.

Without the body, he couldn't prove she was dead.

He had to find it, but how?

You said Kyle owned a store.

I could make out some of the lettering on the door of his Van.

It said "models and hobbies."

That's right. He sold kits for model trains.

And airplanes.

And airplanes.

[Weakly] More.

He needed somebody else to find that body.

Anybody else.

So he built a ufo.

It was a just a remote control model.

Then he made what looked like a landing site.

He knew somebody would see it and the news would spread.

He knew the Internet people would come.

They believe anything.

So basically he was putting together a search party.

He just needed people out there looking around the desert.

He knew someone would eventually find his sister.

It has been an honor to watch you guys work.

Mr. Monk, Ms. Teeger, I am going to be forever grateful that your vehicle broke down in my neck of the woods.

But if you will excuse me, I have a suspect I need to go arrest.

Heh, your fan club's here. [Beeping]

They're gonna be mighty disappointed that none of this was real.

I'll tell them.

Let me... let me talk to them.

Okay?

Okay.

[Theme from 2001: A space odyssey]

♪ Okay, Natalie. Watch this.

♪

[Cheering and excited chatter]

Hello, again.

Hello.

Hello, again. I have some good news.

The object we saw was not a ufo.

It was just a toy.

I remote control model designed by a man who m*rder*d his sister.

You'll read all about it tomorrow in the newspaper.

So you can all go now.

Please, go home.

Go, please.

Stop wasting your time.

Live life.

Find, you know, employment and...

Fall in love.

You're human.

Right?

It's a gift.

It's a precious, precious thing.

You want to appreciate it.

Okay, thank you.

Wow. Mr. Monk, good for you.

That was great.

You were sensitive and respectful.

That's the nicest thing I've ever seen...

Anyone? Not anyone, but you.

The nicest thing I've ever seen you do.

Is there a problem?

You're not fooling anyone?

Excuse me?

We don't believe a word of that.

Yeah, that was no model.

And it's obviously a cover-up.

You're just trying to manipulate us.

[People agreeing]

Yeah, we want the truth.

Okay.

Okay.

[Robotically] Earth people of the net, you were right.

I am not...

Human.

I traveled here to your... How do you say?

Planet...

On a class four intergalactic doom freighter.

I knew it!

I was sent to, you know, prepare the way and to... Observe things and probe things and do alien... Things to everyone.

Hello? Hello.

You're in the paper today.

Kyle Larkin confessed to k*lling his sister.

He confessed to everything.

I guess he didn't have any choice after all that evidence they'd found in his Van.

What about the tinfoil brigade?

Are they still out front?

Just a few. Most of them went home.

You need some help?

No, no, I'm fine.

Just cleaning.

I haven't dusted up here for two or three... hours.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Were you trying to look inside my shirt?

No, no.

Oh, my god.

You don't think I have a belly button.

No!

[Scoffs]

No.

It's just ever since we got back, I've been having crazy dreams.

About me, Natalie?

I'm not from outer space.

I know. I'm sure you're not.

Can I see it?

No, you may not!

Honestly.

I am as human as anything in this room.

See, right there. Right there!

When you say things like that, it doesn't make sense.

Anybody would be curious.

Just a peek! Just a peek! No!

Get away from me!

Come on, come on, come on! No!

Why not? Because it's an outie?

Come on, Mr. Monk.

You can't stay in there forever.

Leave me alone.

Mr. Monk, come on!

Leave me alone or I will destroy your whole planet.

Ah! [Laughs]

Mr. Monk, come on.

Little peek. Little one, come on.