08x14 - Mr. Monk and the Badge

[bunniefuu]

[Exhales]

Okay, he's here. He's right out front.

Okay. I'm ready.

What're you gonna say?

I don't know.

I'll just tell him.

How do you think he's gonna take it?

I don't know. It's monk. It'll probably get weird.

Yeah. I'm glad Natalie's with him.

Ah, me too. Hey. Hey.

Hey. What's going on?

You said it was important? I did. Monk, have a seat.

Why?

Just... no reason. Just...

Monk, Friday night, the review board and the commissioner met in a private session to talk about you.

Not me.

I was there. So was Dr. Bell.

And they came to a decision.

They don't want to use you as a private consultant anymore.

I knew it. Wait, no, no, let me finish.

You're f*ring me! Nobody said that.

I don't believe it.

Is this because he mopped up the blood stain in that jewelry store? This isn't about that!

So he made one mistake in eight years, after 120 cases.

He can't make one mistake? Let me start over.

Hey, it's been great! See ya.

Shame on you!

Shame on both of you!

Well, that could've gone better.

Monk! Hey, monk!

Monk! Monk, you didn't let me finish.

Let him finish.

We won't be using you as a consultant because of this.

What is it?

It's long overdue. That's what it is.

Is this real?

This is real.

I think it's real, Mr. Monk.

It was the captain. He really went to bat for...

I didn't do anything. It was all you.

Welcome back, detective.

Thank you, captain.

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care

♪ well, I do

♪ hey, who's in charge here?

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ Do you know what's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention, you'd be worried too ♪

♪ You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just k*ll you

♪ I could be wrong now

♪ but I don't think so

♪ 'cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

Mr. Monk, you haven't eaten your breakfast.

I'm too excited to eat.

You don't want to be hungry. It's your first day of work.

What time is it? Roll call's at 8:30.

Natalie, can you believe it?

I am going to roll call.

It's like I'm dreaming. Maybe I am dreaming.

Ow! What are you doing?

I'm pinching you to see if I'm dreaming.

No, you're supposed to pinch yourself.

Aah! Well, I figured you're in the dream with me.

I don't know.

Mr. Monk, you're not dreaming. It's really happening.

It's really happening. I'm going.

Oh, oh, oh, wait.

Don't forget your lunch. Oh, yeah! Oh, my god.

Thank you.

Wait, wait, your g*n. Oh, yeah!

Yeah, that might come in handy.

You polished the b*ll*ts.

Yeah, you don't want to sh**t anybody with a dirty b*llet.

[Laughs] They might get an infection.

[Laughs]

God, we're funny together. We are.

I know.

Okay.

Oh, look at you.

Detective first class Adrian monk, homicide division.

I am proud of you.

I'm gonna miss you.

No, no, no, don't talk like that.

This isn't good-bye. No.

No, no, no. We're friends, we'll... we'll talk all the time.

Right. About what?

About...

How we feel, and what we're doing, and what we did that day.

Okay. I can do that.

Okay.

What are you gonna do?

Oh, I'll be fine.

I have a job interview with Jim Paxton.

Paxton?

The concert promoter.

Really?

He's looking for a new assistant.

He couldn't do better.

Well...

Well?

I guess this is it. [Laughs]

Be happy, Mr. Monk.

Okay. I will.

[Sighs]

Good morning. Good morning, young fella.

Hey, monk. Welcome back. How does it feel?

It feels great.

Morning. Morning.

Okay, let's settle in.

Uh, morning, everyone.

I have an announcement to make.

This is something I've been waiting to say for 12 years.

Adrian monk is back.

[Applause]

Back where he belongs.

70 years ago, Thomas wolfe wrote, "you can't go home again..." monk, you don't have to say anything.

Thank god.

Okay, first item of business is the pickaxe k*ller.

Gold rush k*ller.

No, it's not the gold rush k*ller, Randy.

But they use pickaxes.

Randy, forget about the gold rush k*ller, okay?

Yes, sir. We're moving on.

Okay, now, I don't need to tell you folks how important this case is; However, we have caught a break.

We've got a witness.

A woman who lived down the hall from victim number five has given us his description. Take one, pass it back.

We've got a rough sketch, here.

As you can see, we're looking for a Caucasian male.

He's short. No more than 5'4 ", 5'6" tall.

[Tapping papers] Um, he's, um...

He's, uh, in... he's in his, uh, late 30s, early 40s.

We believe that he is driving a, um...

[tapping]

And, uh, we...

We believe that he is driving a station wagon.

Monk.

Monk, just take one and pass them on.

They're perfect.

Just give me a second, here.

Um, folks, witness perfection.

[Laughs]

Okay.

Good job.

Just pass... just pass 'em on.

Monk, just give me one.

Take... yeah, take that one. Thank you.

Okay, Thompson, Harris, I want you to take this sketch.

Work the pickaxe angle.

Circulate that around every hardware store within 20 miles.

People, we've got five victims on the wall.

Captain. Captain.

Which is five victims too many.

Yes.

Um, where was I?

Five victims. Right. Five victims.

By now it's probably six.

We found it in the basement.

I had 'em bring it up for you.

My old desk.

Oh!

I don't believe it.

I know, it's like it's been waiting for you.

Yeah.

Ahh.

How do you feel?

I feel like I'm home. You are home.

So I, uh...

I thought I could start by reading the profiles of the five victims.

And then I could visit the first crime scene.

Listen, monk, you're not on the task force.

Here's the deal.

I promised the review board that I would ease you into it.

Well...

Ease me into...

They want you on desk duty for a while, just to get reacclimated.

For how long?

Just a couple days. Maybe a week.

Yeah. Yeah.

Then we're gonna move you over to Danny Weaver's squad.

He's a great guy.

So I won't be working with you?

No.

Randy and I can't hold your hand anymore.

That's protocol.

Sure.

It's what you wanted, right?

Absolutely.

You'll be fine.

I figured we'd put you on the hotline.

Maybe you'll get a lead.

Yeah.

Good.

Russell.

This is officer dimarco. He's gonna help you settle in.

Hi. Wow, it is a real, real honor to meet you, sir.

Uh, i... honestly, I've been reading about your cases for years.

I even kept a scrapbook for a while, remember, captain?

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, wow.

Uh, if you don't mind, could I maybe keep that as a souvenir?

I'll let you two boys get to it.

I got a lot of work. I'm drowning back here.

Okay. Okay. Desk.

So could you hold this for me for a second?

Uh, whoa, whoa. Just one second.

I need to get rid of this. It's not the '50s.

Wait, wait... All you need...

What do we have here?

Uh, this is your computer.

Yeah, four terabytes with a fiber optic web interface.

It's, uh... it's for logging calls. This is yours.

It's better than handing out traffic tickets, right?

Wh... why can't I just write 'em in the log book?

What... what's a log book? I don't...

[Strange, dinging phone ring]

Tip line. Detective monk.

[Ringing continues]

Tip line. Detective monk.

[Ringing continues]

Tip line. Detective monk.

Hello. Tip line.

Hello, is this the police?

Uh, where... where are you?

Is there anybody there?

Hello. Hello?

I-i... yes, hello.

This is detective monk. I am wearing a headset.

Are you guys looking for the pickaxe k*ller?

'Cause I know who it is.

Please hold.

T...

I...

P, p, p, p, p...

Yes. Is the suspect male or female?

Male. Don't put... Please hold.

M.

What is the name of the suspect?

His name is Brian.

Don't put me on hold again. Please hold.

B...

Monk.

Yeah, just one minute. I got a tip on the k*ller.

No, no, monk, we got him. They just picked him up.

Who? The pickaxe k*ller.

Well, how? How?

Uh, some... Some window washer saw him.

Yeah, he saw the guy, he matched the description, he flagged down a traffic cop.

Can you believe it?

It's case closed, just like that.

Just like that.

Great, that's...

Hey!

[Quietly] Good job.

That's really...

[Phone rings]

Okay.

The suspect's name is Richard Mathis.

He was apprehended today without incident at his home on Franklin place.

The people of San Francisco can rest easy.

The so-called "pickaxe k*ller" is in custody and off the streets.

Is he the guy? Heard it was a lock.

Found the m*rder w*apon in the car.

Confessed to all five.

Guess he's the guy.

Want another ginger ale?

Oh, no, thank you, but his glass is dirty.

There's a smudge.

I'll get you another.

Now that, gentlemen, is what you call a real woman.

No doubt about it. Mm-hmm.

You can tell. No Adam's apple.

[Laughs] No Adam's apple.

That's a new one.

No Adam's apple.

The mayor and I would like to take this opportunity to thank the real hero here, the man of the hour, Manuel Alvarez.

Come on, Manny, come up here.

Come on.

Mr. Alvarez was working as a window washer.

He was on the sixth floor of the burkman building when he noticed the suspect.

I see a green station wagon, and it's circling around Jefferson square, and it goes a couple times and then it stops, and a man gets out, and something... it...

It don't look right.

He's nervous, and he opens the door, and I see the pickaxe.

So I, uh...

I write down the license number.

4-4-7-p-c-e.

And I give this to police.

I'm sure that anyone could have done this, but I'm glad it was me. [Laughs]

This guy gets the entire reward.

500 grand.

Like hitting the lottery.

I wonder if he'll quit his job.

Probably already has. I know I would.

Me too.

Not me. I'm never quitting.

You really like answering those phones, huh?

I'm off the phones as of Monday.

I'll be riding with Louie here.

Yeah, monk and Doyle, the dynamic duo.

That's right.

I'd like to present you with this key to the city.

Oh, my god. [Laughs]

[Applause]

Everyone at main street deli, this is for you guys.

So how's Natalie?

Oh, she's...

She's working for that concert promoter.

Rock and roll.

I'm sure she's miserable.

[Clears throat]

Mr. Paxton.

I'm sorry, I mean Jim.

Um, these are the new contracts. Legal hasn't seen them yet.

Oh, great, yeah, forget about that.

Let me have those.

Brilliant.

Thank you very much, teeger.

Oh, uh, teeger, have you heard the new coldplay album yet?

No.

You know, I think you should go back to your desk, take a listen to it.

Okay. Why?

Because the people that we're gonna be having dinner with tonight are probably gonna ask you a few questions about it.

Who are we having dinner with?

Coldplay.

Coldplay? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

They're touring next year, looking for a new promoter.

Aren't they playing in Denver?

Yep. Yeah, I think they are.

Okay, then I'll... I'll call the airline.

Mm-hmm. Better yet... Yes.

Let's take my plane.

Yes. Better yet, let's do that.

Let's take your plane. Yeah. Fantastic.

Okay, thank you.

You ready?

It's been 12 years.

It'll come back to you. It's like sex.

Well, not sex, I mean, something you do.

Edith capriani? I'm sgt. Doyle.

And I'm detective first class Adrian monk.

We received a call that there was a reported homicide.

Yeah, he tried to k*ll me.

Who tried to k*ll you, ma'am?

Mr. Barton. He lives with me.

He tried to suffocate me.

Monk, she's seen the badge.

When did this happen?

This morning in bed.

I woke up, and he was covering my mouth!

And is Mr. Barton still inside?

Yeah. He's going crazy in there.

He acts as though he owns the place, but it's my name on the lease. It's my apartment!

He's a deadbeat. Good for nothin'!

Now you go in. I'll cover the back.

Stay here.

Don't sh**t! Oh, don't sh**t him!

Don't sh**t him.

Oh, Mr. Barton, I can't stay mad at you.

It's a cat?

Shh.

[Whispers] He thinks he's people.

Louie, it's okay.

Where are you? It's a false alarm.

That's the burkman building, isn't it?

So?

Nice sh**ting, and nice grouping!

Monk, what are you doing?

Just cleaning up for you.

Leave the shells, monk.

Leave the shells, monk.

Safety first, right?

Monk, leave the shells.

You know what, I'll get those later.

What the hell are you doing here?

It's about Manny Alvarez.

Who? The window washer.

You know, the guy who got the reward.

What about him?

Well, his story doesn't track.

Listen, he said he was on the seventh floor of the burkman building at 2:30 looking west.

Well, I went back up there during lunch.

You were probably wondering where I was.

No. Yeah, well, now you know.

I was up there at 2:30 looking west.

The sun was directly in my eyes.

So he was wearing sunglasses.

No, no, no, he said he read the license plate.

I have 20/20 vision.

I couldn't read anything from the seventh floor. Nothing.

Monk, the guy's tip was righteous. Hmm?

The pickaxe k*ller's in jail. He confessed.

We have the m*rder w*apon.

We found pieces of his victims in his attic.

Yeah, no, no, I know. I know the tip was good.

Well, what're you saying?

He's lying, okay?

The window washer's lying. That's all.

Look, I think I know what's going on here.

You're jealous.

The big, super detective.

You can't stand the fact we didn't need you.

No, that's not it.

Monk, look, you got what, 17 open cases on your desk?

19.

I'm giving you an order.

Hmm?

Forget the window washer and let it go.

Okay. You're right. I'm letting it go.

Wait. I can't let it go!

Let it go!

Okay, there it is. It's gone. I feel better.

Hey, man, you're late.

Uh, this is a little dramatic, isn't it?

We have an agreement. We don't be seen together, yeah?

Okay, Manny.

You want to play secret agent, that's fine by me.

So are we gonna do this?

What... what... what are you doing?

[Clipped breathing]

Russell dimarco. Did you know him?

I met him once. My first day back.

He was a rookie. Still on traffic duty, poor kid.

What do you think he was doing here?

Well, he lives nearby in crestmont village.

About a mile away. He was probably heading home.

Heading home? It's a shortcut.

You can cut right through the parking lot.

Then what? I don't know.

Maybe he saw something, something going down and he stopped.

Did he call it in?

He didn't get a chance.

What's that?

Looks like a coupon.

30¢ off Hardy chow dog food.

He didn't follow the line. You see, the dotted line there.

Well, not everybody's you. Thank god.

Do you have a dollar?

It's the same size.

It was a payoff. That's what he was doing here.

Somebody was paying dimarco off, or that's what dimarco thought.

Cut up newspaper into dollar-sized pieces; Make it look like cash.

Why?

To distract him. To put him off guard.

And then they sh*t him.

Or he had a dog, and he just wanted to save 30¢.

It was a payoff.

Monk, come on.

Look, the captain's gonna be here in a few minutes.

I want to get this straight.

You saying this kid is dirty?

It would explain everything.

Why his safety is still on and his g*n is holstered.

I'm not saying you're wrong.

You might be right.

But here's what I am saying.

Until you're sure, until you're 110%...

Hmm?

You're to shut your face. Do you understand that?

You're on this side of the blue line now, detective monk.

That kid is family.

So I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Are you 110%?

No.

Then button it.

Have fun.

What, you're not coming?

I'm right behind you, detective.

Ahh. Hello, again. I'm detective first class...

I know who you are. What took you so long?

I've been waiting for three hours.

He's inside my apartment.

Okay, uh, is this about your little friend Mr. Barton?

No, this is different. All right, ma'am, look.

The 9-1-1 line is for emergencies only.

Real emergencies.

This is an emergency!

It's Mr. Lawrence. He lives upstairs.

He's gone crazy. It's Mr. Lawrence.

He came downstairs for a visit.

He wanted some milk. He loves milk.

Yeah, I'm sure he does.

Then all of a sudden, he starts running around, knocking things over, screeching, screaming.

He tried to scratch my eyes out!

Uh-huh. Let me guess. He's persian?

No. He's from Burma.

Of course he is.

What the hell have you been feeding him?

[Shouting in foreign language]

So how's it going?

Oh, it's going great. I love it.

How are you, detective?

I'm doing great. Couldn't be better.

You're back in the saddle.

[Laughs] Absolutely.

Back in the saddle. Yeah...

So what are you doing?

Oh, busy, busy, busy.

There's a big dinner tonight at the four seasons.

I called this morning and they didn't have a table for eight, but they just called back and said they could put two smaller tables together.

Oh, that...

Sounds like...

A hassle.

But at least you got a good story out of it.

[Laughs] Right.

Uh, well, I have to go.

I have to proofread some press releases.

But you take care of yourself, detective first class Adrian monk.

You too. Good-bye.

Bye.

Hey, guys. How you doing, man?

[Whispered greetings]

I don't see him.

He's here somewhere.

Separated the fruit salad.

This way.

There you are. What are you doing?

They don't have a dog. Excuse me?

Newspaper clipping in dimarco's hand.

It was for dog food.

Right, the coupon.

So you think dimarco crossed the line.

Monk, we looked into it. Tell him.

He's clean.

I mean, at least so far. His bank account checks out.

He wasn't in debt. No personal problems.

We'll keep digging, monk, I promise, but in the meantime, you've got to tread carefully here.

Weaver's right. You're not freelance anymore.

If you're gonna accuse a cop of something, it's got to be airtight.

Hey, hey.

My butt's on the line here too.

Come on.

[Whispers] Passport application.

I said come on.

Hey.

Mrs. Dimarco.

Mrs. Dimarco.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My name is Adrian monk.

I'm a former detective... actually I'm a former former detective.

Thank you for coming. Did you work with Russell?

I only met him once at the station.

We talked about computers...

I do have a couple of questions. Is this a bad time?

I-is this a bad time?

Just take a second.

Were you and Russell planning a vacation?

Yes.

To the Cayman Islands.

That's right.

Was that his idea? To go to the Caymans?

He wanted to surprise me.

He bought the tickets last week.

Oh, last week?

Why the Caymans?

Did he have a bank account there?

A bank account?

Monk, what are you doing?

I'm just paying my respects.

He was a great guy.

We're all gonna miss him.

Yeah.

Did he ever say anything to you about offshore accounts?

Hiding money? What are you saying?

Are you... are you accusing Russell of something?

Oh, god!

Hey, captain, you better get him the hell out of here before we have to.

Come on, monk, I want to show you something.

What... what... what is it? It's outside.

What... what is it? It's you not getting b*at up.

Oh, I'd like to see that.

I have to say I've been looking forward to this all week.

I've been thinking about you.

So how does it feel?

Good. I feel great.

Yeah, well, it's not a gift, you know, you earned it.

Mm-hmm.

So...

Are you happy?

[Laughs] I'm very happy.

What... why wouldn't I be?

This is...

What I've wanted for years, you know?

All right, why... why... why...

Why... why do you ask that?

I mean, you don't think I'm happy?

Oh, I didn't say that. No. I wasn't implying. No.

All right, I'm not happy. Are you happy?

Nobody wants to work with me.

I can't choose my own cases.

The crazy cat lady keeps calling, although it's not always a cat.

It's my dream job.

And it's making me miserable.

[Clears throat] I was afraid of this.

You know, it's not an uncommon reaction.

People achieve a goal, something they've always wanted.

It's not always what they... What they expect.

We call it "aspirational regret."

See, when I was a kid, I wanted to go to a baseball camp.

That was my dream. Baseball camp... excuse me, could I stop you right there?

Sure.

You have something to say?

No.

When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.

Oscar wilde said that.

I can't believe I was happy before.

Why didn't you tell me I was happy?

Adrian, you can always quit.

I can't quit.

Everybody will understand.

You've changed, the department has changed, you've been your own boss for 12 years.

It's hard to go back.

I can't quit.

[Rolling cart approaches]

Ah, Sam.

Oh, evening, detective.

What's in the box?

Oh, this is dimarco's stuff.

I cleaned out his locker.

His wife's picking it up in the morning.

It breaks your heart.

23, 24...

26.

So I write down the license number.

4-4-7-p-c-e.

Mr. Alvarez.

Hello.

My name is Adrian monk.

Oh, I can't help you, my friend.

I promise my accountant.

I can't loan anybody another nickel.

Sir, I'm not here to borrow money.

I'm, uh...

I'm with the police department. This'll just take a minute.

Oh, police. Oh. My friends.

That's right.

Hey, listen, I'm running a little late.

Can you, uh, join me upstairs? Eh?

Upstair... uh, no. No, no, no, thank you.

No, actually, i'm, uh...

I'm waiting for my partner.

He's supposed to meet me here.

I'm surprised you didn't quit your job when you collected all that reward money.

Oh, I did.

[Chuckles] I give two weeks' notice.

Time for somebody to wash my windows for a change, eh.

Okay, so, uh, this is about what?

[Sighs] All right.

Fact is, Manny, I'm here to arrest you for m*rder.

'Scuse me?

You heard me.

[Laughs]

And, uh, who did I k*ll?

Russell dimarco.

Police officer, was sh*t last week.

Russell, uh... are you gonna pretend you didn't know him?

You were on the same softball team, I was at his house last week, and I saw his team jacket.

Everyone at main street deli, this is for you guys.

Russell! Yeah, yeah.

I knew him, uh...

But this proves, uh... What?

Yeah. Right.

Okay, I'll tell you later. I'm not gonna repeat myself.

All right? Let's just wait for my partner.

Oh, your, uh... your partner doesn't know about this?

Not yet, no. This is 415 vinton?

Uh, you... you haven't, uh, told anyone about this, have you?

Oh, is that him? There? Where?

Hey, it's 9:30. Aren't you meeting monk somewhere?

Oh, don't remind me.

Another crackpot theory.

Looking for this?

Hey, why don't you just jump?

Three floors, you'd only break your leg.

No! No!

No!

Fourth floor... broken back.

Aargh!

Oops.

Too late. Now you're dead.

How did you know?

I saw...

I saw dimarco's ticket book.

You didn't spot that serial k*ller.

Dimarco did.

He... he solved the case.

He spotted the k*ller's car and realized he had just found the most wanted man in California.

But dimarco didn't care about fame.

He was after the fortune.

The reward money.

He had a problem... He worked for the police force, which meant that he wasn't eligible to collect the reward.

He needed a partner.

A front man. That's where you came in.

And he told you who the k*ller was, and all you had to do was come up with a story and collect the money, but you...

You wanted... You wanted the whole reward all to yourself.

[Laughs]

Well, not that it matters much, but, uh, you're right.

I think this'll do.

You know, I don't know why you insist to come up with me today.

Accidents are pretty common up here.

It's very dangerous work.

Especially in such a high wind.

What...

What are you doing?

I'm murdering you, my friend!

[Scaffold rattling]

[Screaming]

You're gonna make me work for this, huh?

[Motor whooshes]

Okay... ha!

Gah!

Thanks for dropping by, eh!

[Scaffold rattling]

Aah!

Come on! Gah! Gah! Gah!

[Motor whooshes]

Aah!

Step back.

You okay?

He tried to k*ll me.

Yeah, we know. We were watching.

And he k*lled dimarco. They were partners.

They were planning to split the reward money, but Manny here got greedy.

Nice work, detective.

Former detective.

Former former detective.

Former former former detective.

Are you turning in your badge?

He has it.

Get dispatch.

Yeah, get a... Bring me rescue services...

Sign here and here.

This blood?

Sorry it didn't work out.

I'm not.

At least now I know I'm not the man I was.

Who is?

So what are you gonna do?

Uh, I haven't decided.

I'll either go home and brood or go home and sulk.

I'm leaning toward brooding.

Well, when you leave, use the west entrance.

Why? Surprise.

What is it?

It's a surprise.

Well, what is it?

Well, if we told you, it wouldn't be a surprise now, would it?

No, I guess it wouldn't. What is it?

What is it?

Natalie.

Heard you might be looking for an assistant.

What about your job with the big promoter?

Oh, Jim Paxton can make his own dinner reservations.

He doesn't need me.

I'm needed here.

I pay $900 a week.

I am not taking a pay cut, Mr. Monk!

Then you shouldn't have quit.

I didn't quit, you let me go!

Oh, god, you make me mad! [Scoffs]

What are you looking for?

The captain said there'd be a surprise.

I'm the surprise! I talked to the captain this morning.

Oh, good.

What... what, you're disappointed?

No, I said, "oh, good."

Well, you sound disappointed. What were you expecting?

I thought it might be Joey heatherton.