04x04 - Dyan Cannon

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Crystal Gayle.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Crystal.

Oh, thanks, Scooter.

Would you do me a favor
and cue me on my lines?

Well, sure.

Uh... "Crystal Gayle.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Crystal."

Thanks, Scooter.

Would you do me a favor
and cue me on my lines?

Perfect.

If it helps any,
I didn't understand that either.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Crystal Gayle! Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Why did you invite these penguins?

Because the aardvarks have the flu.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

We call it that because, uh...

Well, we call it that because
the whole show is filled with Muppets,

plus one human being.

And tonight
it's a very special human being,

the lovely recording artist
Miss Crystal Gayle.

But first, but first,
we present an old German folk song.

It's not from West Germany.
It's not from East Germany.

It seems to be from, uh, South Germany?

Why not?

[PLAYING UPBEAT OOMPAH MUSIC]

♪ Swanee ♪

♪ How I love you, how I love you ♪

♪ My dear old Swanee ♪

BOTH:
♪ I'd give the world to be ♪

♪ Among the folks in ♪

ALL: ♪ D-I-X-I
Even though my mammy's waiting for me ♪

♪ Praying for me
Down by the Swanee ♪

♪ The folks up north will see me no more ♪

ALL:
♪ When I get to that Swanee shore ♪

♪ Swinee ♪

BOTH:
♪ Swinee? ♪

BOTH:
♪ We are coming back to Swanee ♪

♪ Mammy ♪

PENGUINS:
♪ Mammy ♪

♪ I love the old folks at home ♪

[WHISTLING ALONG]

ALL: ♪ D-I-X-I
Even though my mammy's waiting for me ♪

♪ Praying for me
Down by the Swanee ♪

♪ The folks up north will see me no more ♪

♪ When I get to that Swanee ♪

♪ Das eine kleine Swanee ♪

♪ When I get to that Swanee shore ♪

[ALL CHATTERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Well, what'd you think of that number?
-I can't talk about it.

-Why not?
-I still have relatives in Germany.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[ALL HUM IN HARMONY]

PRAIRIE DOGS:
♪ Somebody stole my gal ♪

♪ Somebody stole my pal ♪

-♪ Somebody came and took her away ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Mm ♪

-Hi there, Scooter.
-Oh, hi, Kermit.

Hey, the Prairie Dog Glee Club
really sounds good.

Yeah, they've been working really hard.

Yeah, they're, uh...
They're still working pretty hard.

Scooter, what are they doing?

Guys, come on. Cut it out. Oh.

-Take five.
-Each?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I mean stop it.

Sorry. I guess they've got
a little pack-rat blood in them.

They keep stealing everything.

Yeah, but, uh,
we can't have this on the show, Scooter.

Oh, I know.

You talk to them.
I gotta introduce Crystal Gayle.

Mm. Okay, guys, I'm gonna count to three,

and I wanna see everything
just in the place it was, okay?

-One...
PRAIRIE DOG: Hurry up.

...two, three.

What the hey?

Well, enough of this nonsense.

It is sanity time here on The Muppet Show,
and here is our very special guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the lovely Miss Crystal Gayle.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ Here I go once again
With my suitcase in my hand ♪

♪ And I'm running away down River Road ♪

♪ And I swear once again
That I'm never coming home ♪

♪ I'm chasing my dreams down River Road ♪

♪ Mama said, "Listen, child
You're too old to run wild ♪

♪ You're too big to be fishing
With the boys these days" ♪

♪ So I grabbed some clothes and ran
Stole 5 dollars from a sugar can ♪

♪ A 12-year-old jailbreaker running away ♪

ALL: ♪ Here I go once again
With my suitcase in my hand ♪

♪ And I'm running away down River Road ♪

♪ And I swear once again
That I'm never coming home ♪

♪ I'm chasing my dreams down River Road ♪

♪ Well, I married a pretty good man
And he tries to understand ♪

♪ But he knows I've got leaving
On my mind these days ♪

♪ When I get that urge to run
I'm just like a kid again ♪

♪ The same old jailbreaker running away ♪

ALL: ♪ Here I go once again
With my suitcase in my hand ♪

♪ And I'm running away down River Road ♪

♪ And I swear once again
That I'm never coming home ♪

♪ I'm chasing my dreams down River Road ♪

Ah, you look like you're running away.

Sure am.

Yeah, I ran away in 1924.

What happened?

Huh? I'm still running.

I sleep on the hard ground every night.

Haven't changed my socks
since World w*r II.

Last night for dinner, I ate a fence post.

MUPPETS: ♪ There she goes, home again
With her suitcase in her hand ♪

♪ No more running away down River Road ♪

♪ And I swear once again
That I'm never leaving home ♪

♪ To go running away down River Road ♪

♪ To go running away down River Road ♪

[ALL CHATTERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Nice song.

Yeah. Kind of reminds me of the time
I ran away from home.

When was that?

Last night. The wife was driving me crazy.

Okay, nice number, guys.
Very pretty, Crystal.

-Hey, boss?
-Okay. Yes?

The Prairie Dog Glee Club's ready.

I'll schedule their number
in the second half of the show.

-Good.
-Did you talk to them about stealing?

Yeah, but I think
you'd better talk to them.

After all, you are the head honcho.

-I think they'd listen to you.
-Okay.

Hey, fellas?
Uh, Kermit wants to talk to you.

Uh, yeah, listen, g*ng, it's not nice
to take other people's things.

You see, that's called--
Uh, that's called stealing, and--

[STAMMERS]

Guys...

[SPUTTERS]

-Scooter!
-Yeah, boss?

They've taken everything!

-Oh, yeah. Huh?
-Aah! Aah!

[KERMIT WHIMPERING]

Gee, boss,
I've never seen you naked before.

[SCREAMS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

It's me, Miss Gayle,
Beauregard the Janitor.

What can I do for you, Beauregard?

Well, um...

[STAMMERS]

Could I have your autograph?

You sure can.

There you go.

Okay, thank--

Hey, wait, this is no good.
It's upside down.

How's that?

How did you do that?

NARRATOR:
And now

[ECHOING] Pigs in Space.

[ALARM BUZZING]

Oh! Listen. The warning buzzer.

Someone's outside the door.

-Oh, captain! Captain Link, all is lost!
-What?

They've breached our security!
There's no stopping them!

Our weapons are useless!

[HOGTHROB & PIGGY GASP]

He'll be here soon with his stormtroopers.

I held them off as long as I could.

Ahh! Oh! Captain, is he...?

[BAND PLAYS DRAMATIC STING]

Yes, I'm afraid he's...

[BAND PLAYS DRAMATIC STING]

I'm resting.
That was a difficult scene to play.

You must tell us,
who has breached our security?

Who is outside our door?

Dearth Nadir.

[HOGTHROB SCREAMS]

Dearth Nadir? I have never heard of him.

-He's the scourge of the universe.
-Mm-hm.

A heartless, power-mad fiend
who hides behind an impenetrable mask.

[HOGTHROB WHIMPERS THEN PIGGY GASPS]

He's badder than anyone.

Oh! Oh, what shall we do?

What we can do?

Link's Mommy wanted on the bridge.

[ALARM BLARING]

-The warning buzzer!
-He's at the other door!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[STAMMERING]
Who are you behind that mask?

GONZO:
Ha! And well you might ask.

Oh, good grief.

GONZO:
Stormtroopers!

[ALL CLUCKING]

GONZO:
Surround them!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! They look brutal!

Oh, you have got to be kidding.

GONZO:
Okay, girls. Cluck them to death.

-Aah! Aah! Oh, help! Oh, help! Oh, help!
PIGGY: I'm getting out of here.

NARRATOR:
Tune in next week for an apology

for this week's Pigs in Space!

[STRANGEPORK & HOGTHROB SCREAMING]

[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ There is a lone shark from Cincinnati ♪

♪ Who comes daily to his fishery ♪

♪ Fish is what he eats ♪

♪ Listen to this story ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight
Foo-de-racka-saki ♪

♪ Want some seafood, Mama! ♪

♪ Shrimps and rice, they're very nice ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight
Foo-de-racka-saki ♪

♪ Want some seafood, Mama! ♪

♪ Codfish in sauce, and then of course ♪

♪ I like oysters, lobsters too! ♪

♪ I like my tasty bit of fish ♪

♪ When I come home from work at night
I get my favorite dish, fish! ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight
Foo-de-racka-saki ♪

♪ Want some seafood, Mama! ♪

♪ Shrimps and rice, they're very nice! ♪

[PLAYING JAUNTY MUSIC]

Hey, this is my kinda song!
Hee hee hee hee!

♪ Hold tight, hold tight ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight,
Foo-de-racka-saki ♪

♪ Want some seafood, Mama! ♪

♪ Shrimps and rice, they're very nice! ♪

♪ Foo-de-racka-saki
Want some seafood, Mama! ♪

♪ Codfish in sauce, and of course ♪

♪ I like kippers, mackerel too!
And I like my tasty bit of fish ♪

♪ When I come home from work at night,
I get my favorite dish, fish! ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight,
Foo-de-racka-saki ♪

♪ Want some seafood, Mama! ♪

♪ Shrimps and rice... ♪

Very nice!

SHARK: Mmm...

Is that you, Kermit?

Mm-hm.

Um, yes, ma'am.

Do you often wear a bag over your head?

Those dumb prairie dogs.

-They took away my collar.
-So?

You wouldn't want me to go around naked,
would you?

Well, no. It's family show.

It used to be.

Hey, we can put something else
around your neck.

We can find it.

Well, my other collar's at the cleaners.

-Well, let's see...
-Aah!

Let's see what this does.

Hey.

Well, I don't know. I feel kind of dumb.

-No, not at all.
PRAIRIE DOGS: Ha-ha-ha.

Boy, do you look dumb.

[PRAIRIE DOGS LAUGHING]

[WHIMPERS]

Come back here!

Oh, dear. I don't think I helped any.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ Tick-tock, tick-tock ♪

TRIO: ♪ Sixty seconds got together ♪
-♪ Tick-tock ♪

-♪ And they decided to become a minute ♪
-♪ Tick-tock, tick-tock ♪

♪ Tick-tock ♪

-♪ Sixty minutes got together ♪
-♪ Tick-tock ♪

-♪ And they decided to become an hour ♪
-♪ Tick-tock, tick-tock ♪

♪ Tick-tock ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours kept ticking away ♪

♪ And they all voted to call it a day ♪

-♪ But, darling, in a day ♪
TRIO: ♪ La, la ♪

-♪ There wasn't time to say ♪
-♪ La ♪

ALL:
♪ How much I love you ♪

♪ Oh, tick-tock ♪

TRIO: ♪ Seven days then got together ♪
-♪ Tick-tock ♪

-♪ And they decided to become a week ♪
-♪ Tick-tock, tick-tock ♪

♪ Tick-tock ♪

-♪ As they grew and grew ♪
-♪ Tick-tock ♪

-♪ 52 weeks decided to become a year ♪
-♪ Tick-tock, tick-tock ♪

-♪ That's why 60 seconds, every minute ♪
-♪ Tick-tock ♪

-♪ Sixty minutes, every hour ♪
-♪ Tick-tock ♪

♪ Every hour, every day
Every day, every week ♪

ALL:
♪ Every week and every year ♪

♪ All I do is dream of you, my dear ♪

♪ Tick-tock ♪

♪ Tick-tock ♪

ALL:
♪ Tick-tock, tick ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Did you wanna see me, Miss Piggy?
-Yes, come in, Kermie.

Uh, can I talk to you from here?

No, no, I want to show you something.
Now get in here. Oh!

See, I can explain about this outfit.

Oh, who cares about your silly costume?
Look at this.

See, my black wig that I wear
for Latin numbers, it's missing.

-Oh.
-And my long lavender gloves

and my simulated pearls and everything,
it's all gone!

I've gotta go on-stage
and make an introduction.

I'll explain to you later.

[PIGGY STOMPS THEN KERMIT YELPS]

You'll explain to me now.

Well, you see, on the show,
we've got these prairie dogs.

-What?
-Yeah, and they--

[PIGGY SCREAMING]

Guys, you're on-stage in a second.
Now put all that stuff back.

[PRAIRIE DOGS WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]

[PIGGY SCREAMS]

PIGGY:
Kermit! Kermit!

Where are you?! What is this? What--?

[GROWLS]

[STAMMERS]

Hi there. I thought I would just peek out
and introduce our next act.

It is the barbershop harmonies
of our own Singing Prairie Dogs.

They're really terrific,
so hang on to your hats,

and, uh, you might also keep an eye
on your wallets.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Singing Prairie Dogs.

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]

ALL:
♪ The moon belongs to everyone ♪

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ The stars belong to everyone ♪

♪ They gleam there for you and me ♪

♪ The flowers in spring ♪

♪ The robins that sing ♪

♪ The sunbeams that shine ♪

-♪ They're yours ♪
-♪ They're mine ♪

ALL:
♪ And love can come to everyone ♪

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ The flowers in spring ♪

♪ The robins that sing ♪

♪ The sunbeams that shine ♪

-♪ They're yours ♪
-♪ They're mine ♪

ALL:
♪ And love can come to everyone ♪

♪ The best things in life ♪

♪ The best things in life ♪

♪ The best things in life are ♪

Stop! I, Bear on Patrol,
put you under arrest.

Whoa. Wait, wait, wait, Deputy Bear.

Surely you're not arresting these
cute little things here as common thieves.

-But I have witnesses.
-The bear's right.

The prairie dogs are thieves.

[BOTH GASP]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[PRAIRIE DOGS LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

They stole the clothes right off their--

[BOTH GASPING]

[PRAIRIE DOGS LAUGHING]

I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

This is Muppet Labs,

and I'm tickled pink to announce
our solution to the banana problem.

[BEAKER HUMMING]

As you know, once removed from the bunch,
bananas cannot be reinserted.

BEAKER:
Hmm.

[GRUNTING AND MUTTERING]

This results in extra bananas
lying around underfoot,

where they can be hazardous
to your health.

[SCREAMS THEN CRASHES]

[SNICKERS]

Such problems disappear
with our new electric banana sharpener.

-Hmm?
-Show them, Beaker.

[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

[WHIMPERING]

[YELPING]

A-ha. Say goodbye forever to dull bananas.

Bye-bye.

With this equipment, you can store bananas
on any convenient vertical surface.

[SCREAMS]

You can even store a whole bunch this way.

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERING]

And that's all for today from Muppet Labs.

[SNICKERS]

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

Kermit's having what you might call
"costume problems" tonight,

so he's asked me to introduce
our very special guest star again.

-Is the scenery ready?
MAN: Oh, yeah, it's ready.

Ah. Here she is again, Miss Crystal Gayle.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING MYSTERIOUS POP MUSIC]

[WIND WHISTLING]

♪ Mad is the captain
Of Alpha Centauri ♪

♪ We must be out of our minds ♪

♪ Though we are shipmates
Bound for tomorrow ♪

♪ Everyone here's flying blind ♪

♪ Oh, we must believe in magic ♪

♪ We must believe
In the guiding hand ♪

♪ If you believe in magic ♪

♪ You'll have the universe
At your command ♪

♪ Mad is the crew
Bound for Alpha Centauri ♪

♪ Dreamers and poets and clowns ♪

♪ Bold is the ship
Bound for Alpha Centauri ♪

♪ Nothing can turn it around ♪

♪ Oh, we must believe in magic ♪

♪ We must believe
In the guiding hand ♪

♪ If you believe in magic ♪

♪ You'll have the universe
At your command ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la
La-la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la
La-la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Oh, we must believe in magic ♪

♪ We must believe
In the guiding hand ♪

[SPIRITS CACKLING]

♪ If you believe in magic ♪

♪ You'll have the universe
At your command ♪

[SPIRITS CONTINUE CACKLING]

♪ La, la, la-la, la
La-la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la
La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Oh, we must believe in magic ♪

♪ We must believe
In the guiding hand ♪

♪ If you believe in magic ♪

♪ You'll have the universe
At your command ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la
La-la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la ♪

We've come down
to the end of another one, but--

-Beauregard!
BEAUREGARD: Oh! Sorry.

Okay, okay. We've just about come down
to the end of another one,

but before we go, let's have a warm
thank you for our very special guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Crystal Gayle! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Kermit, for a lovely evening.

It's been our pleasure.
And you can have your feather boa back.

Hey, will you come back with--? Aah!

Bring that thing back! Hey. Uh-- Aah!

Uh, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

Hey!

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Well, so much for the prairie dogs.

Yeah. Now we gotta worry about termites.