04x08 - Arlo Guthrie

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
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Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
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04x08 - Arlo Guthrie

Post by bunniefuu »

[KNOCKING]

VICTOR:
Come in.

-Victor Borge.
-Oh, hi, Scooter.

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Borge.

Fine. I'll be ready when you're ready.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Say, uh, what's that you're playing?

-It's Beethoven.
-Mm.

Any requests?

Yes.

Don't play Beethoven.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Victor Borge.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Don't despair.
In half an hour it'll be all over.

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

[BABIES GIGGLING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, and welcome to another one
of those things we call The Muppet Show.

Tonight our very special guest star

is that master of comedy and culture,
Mr. Victor Borge.

We're all very excited--

[CHEF SINGING GIBBERISH
AND PLAYING FOLK MUSIC]

Especially the Swedish Chef. Chef.

Uh, Chef, you know,
Victor Borge is not Swedish.

He's Danish.

[MUTTERING GIBBERISH]

Well...

[ACCORDION CRASHES]

Well, uh, sorry about that.

Before we get to good things
like guest stars,

we have to pass through some strange
and unknown territory, comme ça.

[BAND PLAYING DISCO MUSIC]

[PIGS SCATTING IN UNISON]

Pigs!

[PIGS CONTINUE SCATTING]

♪ Everybody wants to be
A macho, macho man ♪

♪ To have the kind of body
That's always in demand ♪

PIGS:
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ Macho man, yeah ♪

PIGS:
♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

HOGTHROB: ♪ Gotta be a macho, macho man ♪
PIGS: ♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

PIGS:
♪ I've gotta be a macho ♪

[HOGTHROB GRUNTING]

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

[GONZO SQUAWKS]

[CHICKENS CLUCKING TO TUNE]

All right!

Come on, now, girls.

Come on, chickie baby. Check my action.

Come on, chickie. Check my action.

♪ Everybody wants to be
A macho, macho man ♪

♪ To have the kind of body
That's always in demand ♪

GONZO & CHICKENS:
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ Macho ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

-♪ I've gotta be a macho, macho man ♪
CHICKENS: ♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ I've gotta be a macho ♪

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Come on, now. Fight like a shirt.

[SCREAMS]

PIGS:
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ Macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

GONZO & CHICKENS:
♪ Macho, macho man ♪

[GONZO SQUAWKS]

♪ I've gotta be a macho ♪

Fire! All right!

PIGS:
♪ Macho, macho man ♪

Fire!

PIGS:
♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

GONZO:
All right, now!

GONZO & CHICKENS:
♪ Macho, macho man ♪

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

♪ I've gotta be a macho ♪

PIGS:
♪ I've gotta be a macho ♪

You're a bunch of sissies.

ALL:
♪ I've gotta be a macho ♪

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, they shouldn't allow gangs like that
on the street.

I'd rather have them on the street
than on the stage.

Okay. Nicely rumbled there, gangs.

-Thanks. Nice number.
KERMIT: Well done.

Uh, excuse me, you have a Bobby Benson
working here?

Yeah, he's downstairs rehearsing.

Oh, thank you.

Say, who was that guy?
I've seen him on television.

I don't know. He wanted to see Bobby.

-I wish I could remember the show.
-I wish you could remember this show.

Oh, right. Tell Mr. Borge to get ready
for his opening number.

[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

Yeah, terrific, terrific.

-Bobby, they're just great. Just great.
-I know, I know. I know.

You Bobby Benson?

Well, I sure am.

I'd like to talk to you
someplace in private.

Well, gee, I don't know. The babies.

It's okay. I'll take care of the babies.

-Hey, thanks, Fozzie.
-Yeah.

Uh, babies, take five.

[BABIES CHEERING]

Hey, babies. Hey, babies. Hi. Hi.

Hey. My name is Fozzie the Bear.

Yeah, yeah, and I'm going to tell you
a whole bunch of funny stories.

Stories!

Yeah, all right.

Did you hear the one
about the two kangaroos?

[BABIES SCREAMING AND FOZZIE YELPING]

FOZZIE:
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

I guess they heard that one.

[FOZZIE YELLS]

Ladies and gentlemen, it is a great honor
for me to introduce our guest.

He is truly one of the most distinguished
and funniest pianists in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Victor Borge.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen,
there seems to be a dog on the stage.

I hope you don't mind.
I'm just here to admire your technique.

I play the piano too, you know.

-Oh, you do? That is interesting.
-Yeah.

I hope that's okay with you.

Yes, it certainly is.
I chase cats once in a while myself.

I hope that's all right with you.

Listen, be my guest.

You be my guest.
Let's play something together.

Hey, can I do that?

What do you know? Do you know anything?
Maybe something by Bach? Ha, ha.

My "Bach" is worse than my bite.

There are three Bachs, you know:
Johann, Sebastian

and Offenbach.

I "Offenbach" myself.

He is a witty dog.

Okay. What do you want to play?

Uh, how about Liszt's
"Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2"?

Ooh. Don't you know "No. 1"?

-Mm-mm.
-Okay, "No. 2."

Oh, I'll start, and you try to follow me.

-Okay, here we go.
-Okay.

That's not bad.

Marvelous.

Beautiful.

A talking dog.

Piano-playing, also.

I wonder how his violin playing is.

Sometimes I fiddle around.

-Good cadenza.
-Mm-hm.

Something like this. This is it.

This is really the way it goes.

-Uh-huh.
-Woof.

Now it's you.

Ta-da.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, Victor. Hey, that was a nice number.
Nice going, Rowlf.

Oh, thank you very much.
But I have a bone to pick with you.

They gave me my fee for my performance,
but look what I got. There was a mistake.

I think you must have gotten Rowlf's.

Ooh, hot dog! I just got a raise.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I'll tell you,
I have worked for peanuts before.

Yes.

Peanuts.

Uh, Kermit, I'm just gonna step out
for a few minutes with my friend.

That's fine, Bobby.

-Have somebody watch the babies, will you?
-Oh, sure.

Not Fozzie.
He doesn't seem to have the knack.

Come on, Benson, come on.

Uh, wait a minute.

I just remembered what TV show
I saw that guy on.

It was the 6:00 news. He's a cop.

I know.

[BABIES BABBLING]

The problem now,
is who's gonna take care of the babies?

[PIGGY HUMMING LULLABY]

Hello, Kermie.

Don't worry about the babies.

I shall take care of them.

You, Miss Piggy?

Of course. I just love children.

And they adore me.

I don't believe this.

Kermie, I'll make a wonderful mother
someday.

[GULPS]

There you are. Come along, babies.

♪ The hills are alive ♪

♪ With the sound of music ♪

Come right in. That's right.

That's right, babies.

Just relax and enjoy yourselves...

[BABIES BABBLING]

...and shut up!

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
back by popular demand,

the Singing Rats!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hickory dickory dock

The rat ran up the clock

The clock struck 1

[CLOCK CHIMES]

♪ One, two, three o'clock
Four o'clock rock ♪

ALL: ♪ Five, six, seven o'clock
Eight o'clock rock ♪

♪ Nine, ten, eleven o'clock
Twelve o'clock rock ♪

♪ We're gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ When the clock strikes five
Six and seven ♪

♪ We'll be right in seventh heaven ♪

♪ Gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ Gonna rock, rock, rock
'Til the broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

[CAT YOWLS]

[YAWNS]

Gonna rock around the clock tonight

ALL: ♪ Gonna rock, rock, rock
'Til the broad daylight ♪

♪ Gonna rock, gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

[CLOCK CHIMES]

♪ Do bee do ba ♪

[ALL CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[PLAYS DISSONANT CHORDS]

[PLAYS DISSONANT CHORDS]

[PLAYS DISSONANT CHORDS]

There's something wrong.

Just a minute.

"The Blue Danube" by Jo Strauss.

[PLAYING LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[PLAYS DISSONANT CHORDS]

I was right.

[PLAYING "ACT NATURALLY"]

♪ They're gonna put me in the movies ♪

♪ They're gonna make a big star
Out of me ♪

♪ They'll make a film
About a man who's sad and lonely ♪

♪ And all I gotta do is act naturally ♪

BOTH: ♪ Well, I'll bet you
I'm gonna be a big star ♪

♪ Might win an Oscar
You can never tell ♪

♪ The movie's gonna make me a big star ♪

♪ 'Cause I can play the part so well ♪

♪ Well, I hope you'll come and see me
In the movies ♪

[SCREAMS]

♪ Then I know that you will plainly see ♪

Who are you?

♪ The biggest fool
That ever hit the big time ♪

Oh.

♪ And all I gotta do is act naturally ♪

Hey, wait a minute. You can't do this.

Why not?

You're a reflection.
You're supposed to do just what I do.

But you do ludicrous things.

I do what?

Ludicrous things.

Of course I do. I'm an artist.

♪ And all I gotta do is act naturally ♪

BOTH: ♪ Well, I'll bet you
I'm gonna be a big star ♪

♪ Might win an Oscar
You can never tell ♪

♪ The movie's gonna make me a big star ♪

♪ 'Cause I can play the part so well ♪

♪ Well, I hope you'll come and see me
In the movies ♪

Of course I'll be there.

♪ Then I know that you will plainly see ♪

Wow!

♪ The biggest fool
That ever hit the big time ♪

Oh, yes!

♪ And all I gotta do is act naturally ♪

♪ And all I gotta do is act naturally ♪

That was terrible.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[VICTOR PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC ON PIANO]

VICTOR: Come in, but you have to be
very quiet because I'm practicing.

Oh, Mr. Borge,
could I come in and hear you play?

VICTOR:
Yes, come right in.


-Oh, terrific!
VICTOR: Do be quiet.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

-I'll be real quiet.
-Very good.

-What are you gonna play?
-I'm going to play some Beethoven.

I'm playing the "Moonlight Sonata"
by Beethoven.

Oh, go ahead, yes.

I don't think you will like it.

-Why?
-See what it says here?

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

-What does that mean?
-That means "with great dullness."

I don't think you would like that.
Not the way you came in here.

-Nah, that's...
-Oh, please, please. For me?

-Okay. You have to be quiet.
-Okay. Shh.

Shh.

That's the Spanish composer El Beethoven.

[PLAYING TENDER CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[PLAYS WRONG NOTE]

-Oh. Tsk.
-You made a mistake.

No, that's the way I wrote it.

Oh. Thank you.

[CONTINUES PLAYING]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[SNORING]

[CONTINUES PLAYING]

[MASHES NOTES]

FOZZIE:
Oh, wha...? What? Oh.

Mr. Borge, Mr. Borge.

[BUST SNORTS]

Is it all over?

That was fascinating.

You think that was fascinating?

Well, you can come back later
and watch me tie my shoes.

FOZZIE:
Ah.

[BABIES COOING]

Gee, Miss Piggy and the babies
seem to be getting along fine.

-Yeah, I don't understand it.
-Ah.

[KNOCKING]

KERMIT: Miss Piggy?
PIGGY: Oh, Kermie!

Uh, the babies and I
are having a wonderful time.

But don't come in now.
I'm just putting them down for their naps.

-Okay. We'll stop by later and check you.
-Yeah.

PIGGY: Uh, Scooter?
-Hmm?

Uh, has Kermit gone?

He's going downstairs.

Mm-hm. Get in here.

Ahh! Miss Piggy!

Don't say anything. Just close the door.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[BABIES BABBLING AND GIGGLING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[THUDDING]

Scooter?

Get these babies out of here!

Come on, babies. Come on.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

...turtle... we make the soup...
the turtle soup, yeah?

[HUMS]

Oh, turtle.

Huh. Turtle? Turtle, turtle?
Where are you?

[YELPING]

Turtle!

Turtle, turtle, turtle? Mm-hm.

Hey. Turtle. Come, come, come. Come, come.

Come here. Turtle. Oh.

Okay, turtle... coming out, turtle.

Turtle.

Turtle? Whoa! Hey, turtle! No!

[g*nsh*t]

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

-Hey, Kermit. I'm back.
-Oh, good.

-The babies are upstairs with Miss Piggy.
-Oh. Fine.

Incidentally, Bobby,
what was that all about?

-Oh, just an unpaid debt.
-Oh?

Well, actually,
I lost a lawsuit to the Tooth Fairy.

Ha-ha-ha. I know...

[CHEF SHOUTING GIBBERISH]

Okay, take it easy, Chef.
That wasn't my fault.

[MUTTERING GIBBERISH]

PIGGY:
Stay there.

Stay there!

Benson--! Oh.

Uh, Mr. Benson, your babies...

Come on, babies.
They're all safe and sound.

Uh, thanks, Miss Piggy.
Come on, babies, we're on next.

Come on downstairs. Come on.

Kermie, what a fulfilling experience
this has been.

Uh, well, face it, Miss Piggy,
you're just not the motherly type.

Oh, but I am.

-Goo-goo, Mama.
-Come to Mama.

[BABY & PIGGY SCREAM]

It's okay, Piggy. I caught him.

Oh! Oh, thank goodness.

Piggy mommy. Kermie daddy.

Oh. Kermie?

-Hm?
-Out of the mouth of babes.

Listen, will you get on-stage?
You're on next.

On-stage, all you kids.

-Let's go.
-Come on, go, move it, move it.

I know, I know.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Bobby Benson
conducting the Infant Symphony

in Tchaikovsky's "First Piano Concerto"
with our guest soloist, Mr. Victor Borge.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my privilege now to play the...

Oh, part of, rather,
the Tchaikovsky "Piano Concerto" by...

By, uh...

By all means.

Uh, may I have the--?

Is this the orchestra?

Yep, that's my band.

Okay. If you are ready, please.

[PLAYING LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC]

You all right? You all right there?

Yeah, I got so... I got too excited.

I know, I know.

It's a short piano. That's why...

Okay, if you will try it again.

[PLAYING LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[PLAYING LULLABY]

[PLAYING UPBEAT MARCH]

[CONTINUES PLAYING LULLABY]

[ALL PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

[PLAYING UPBEAT NURSERY RHYME]

[PLAYING JAUNTY RAGTIME FINISH]

Bravo. Bravo.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, so another Muppet Show
has come to an end.

Before we all sink slowly in the West,

let us pause to say thank you
to a very special guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Victor Borge! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you very much, Kermit.

It has been a great experience,
particularly the Baby Band.

Come on, babies.

Mr. Borge,
since you were our guest soloist tonight,

the babies would like you
to have this baton as a souvenir.

Oh, but you have given me so much already.

Oh, like what?

-Chicken pox.
-I know.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Well, Borge played The Muppet Show.

Yep. Who won?

This time, Victor was the loser.
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