04x09 - Beverly Sills

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Beverly Sills.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Beverly.

Thank you, Scooter.

[OPERATICALLY]
♪ I'm just warming up my voice ♪

Wow. What a note!

Oh, that's nothing.

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

My glasses!

Don't worry, dear.
I have a deal with an optician.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Beverly Sills.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Hey, where'd this lobster come from?

Newburg.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

I play by ear.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, hi-ho,
and welcome to another one.

Tonight's guest star, believe it or not,

is one of the great stars of opera,
Miss Beverly Sills.

But first, an opening number.

Oh, no. I can't take any more
of your opening numbers.

What's wrong with them?

They're so weird.

Yeah, what do you have tonight?
A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, cancel the opening number.

[SPEAKING IN MOCK CHINESE]

Listen, I'm tired of all this criticism.
What would you do for an opening number?

Funny you should ask.

Yes, we do have some ideas about that.

♪ We have a secret recipe ♪

That's true.

♪ Concocted with much skill ♪

Yes.

♪ And once you've tried our special dish ♪

That's right.

♪ You'll never get your fill ♪

BOTH: ♪ Take ten terrific girls
But only nine costumes ♪

♪ And you're cooking up something grand ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ Mix in some amber lights ♪

Yes.

♪ And elegant scenery ♪

♪ Then stir in a fine jazz band ♪

♪ Then add some funny men ♪

Ho, ho!

♪ And pepper with laughter ♪

♪ It's tart and tasty, I know ♪

BOTH: ♪ Then serve it piping hot
And what have you got? ♪

♪ A burlesque show ♪

[DANCER WHISTLES]

Come on, it's time for our number.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Okay, girls, move it. Heh-heh-heh.

Move it.

Come on, Beaker, lift and push.
Only three bars to go. Hurry.

[BEAKER WHIMPERING]

Yeah, nice, nice.

What's going on?

Come on, kid, move it, move it.
We'll show you how it's done. Hey, up top!

All right, everybody ready?

You, fly in that backdrop.
Fly in the backdrop.

Okay, okay, raise the curtain,
raise the curtain.

-Okay, curtain going up.
-Quiet!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT BURLESQUE MUSIC]

ALL: ♪ Take ten terrific girls
But only nine costumes ♪

♪ And you're cooking up something grand ♪

♪ Mix in some amber lights ♪

♪ And elegant scenery ♪

♪ Then stir in a fine jazz band ♪

♪ Then add some funnymen ♪

♪ And pepper with laughter ♪

CHORUS:
♪ It's tart and tasty, I know ♪

Tell me, Mr. Waldorf,

what do you get when you pour
boiling water down a rabbit hole?

I don't know, Mr. Statler.

What do you get when you pour
boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies.

[BOTH LAUGH]

FOZZIE:
Boo!

Hiss! Get off the stage!

Tell me, Mr. Statler, why do bees hum?

I don't know, Mr. Waldorf.
Why do bees hum?

Because they don't know the words.

[BOTH LAUGH]

No good! Not funny!

-What do you know?
-Yeah!

Bring on the bear!

ALL: ♪ Then serve it piping hot
And what have you got? ♪

♪ A burlesque ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Show ♪
STATLER & WALDORF: ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

WALDORF: Wonderful, wonderful!
-Bravo! Yeah, that's the way!

Now, why can't they do numbers like that?

We just did.

Oh.

Yeah, so you did.

Yeah. Wasn't very good after all.

-No. Boo! Terrible!
-Boo!

Okay, come on, that was wonderful.

-That was very nice.
FOZZIE: Terrific. Wasn't it great, Kermit?

-Mm-hm. It was. It was lovely.
-Yoo-hoo!

-Hey, Kermit, Kermit.
-Yeah, Scooter?

Somebody outside was trying to break
the combination lock on your bicycle.

But I stopped him.

Oh, good. What did you do?

I told him the combination.

-Oh, no! Fozzie?
-Huh?

Would you introduce the next act?
I'll be right back.

Kermit, I can't. I don't know how--

Oh, boy. Uh, okay, Scooter, who's on next?

Oh, Beverly Sills.
You know who she is, don't you?

Scooter. You don't have to tell me
about Beverly Sills.

She is a legend in music.

Oh, boy.

Boy, Fozzie even knows
about opera singers.

Ahem. Uh, Kermit has asked me
to introduce tonight's guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the truly great singers

of country and western music,

the Queen of Nashville,

here she is, Miss Bev Sills.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

May I have some music for this aria?

Ah, yep, here you go, Bev.

[OPERATICALLY]
♪ When it's roundup time in Texas ♪

♪ And the bloom is on the sage ♪

♪ Then I long to be in Texas ♪

♪ Back a-riding on the range ♪

♪ Just to smell the bacon frying ♪

♪ When it's sizzling in the pan ♪

♪ Hear the breakfast horn
In the early morn ♪

♪ Drinking coffee from a can ♪

♪ Just a-riding, rocking, roping ♪

♪ Pounding leather all day long ♪

♪ Just a-swaying, sweating, swearing ♪

♪ Listen to a cowhand's song ♪

♪ How it beckons, and I reckon ♪

♪ I would work for any wage ♪

♪ To be free again, just to be again ♪

♪ When the bloom is on the sage ♪

I wanna talk to that bear.

That's you, Fozzie. Go in.

-But, Scooter, I...
-Go on, go on.

[STAMMERING]
Uh, yeah, hi, Bev.

Now, listen,
I am Beverly Sills the opera singer.

Oh. That Beverly Sills.

-Yeah.
-Wow.

Well, what are we going to do about it?

I'll ask Kermit.

-Wait a minute.
-Wha...?

What am I supposed to do out here
all by myself while you do that?

Well, I... You, uh, wouldn't know
how to tap-dance, would you?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I do know how to tap-dance.

Knock them dead.

Maestro.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You did what?! Aah!

Please don't yell at me.

Uh, Beverly, I'm terribly sorry.

You don't have to sing country music
or tap-dance.

Don't stop me now, honey.
I'm just getting the hang of it.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

[OPERATICALLY]
♪ Just a-riding, rocking, roping ♪

♪ Pounding leather all day long ♪

♪ Just a-skidding, sweating, swearing ♪

♪ Listen to a cowhand's song ♪

ALL:
♪ How it beckons, and I reckon ♪

♪ I would work for any wage ♪

♪ To be free again ♪

[TAP-DANCING]

BAND:
♪ Just to be again ♪

ALL:
♪ When the bloom is on the ♪

[SINGING TRILL]

ALL:
♪ The sage ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Now, that's talent.

An opera singer who tap-dances
and sings cowboy songs.

I wonder if there's anything
she isn't good at.

Yes. Choosing what show to be on.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Gee, Miss Sills seemed to have a lot
of fun in that number.

Yeah, I think so. It was a change for her.

We're doing an opera piece
later in the show.

Oh, I know.
Guess who wants to be in it with her?

[OPERATICALLY]
♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

Oh.

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Oh, hello, Kermit
I didn't know you were there ♪

Uh, hello, Miss Piggy.

♪ How is the show going? ♪

Uh, Piggy, please,
if you're thinking about that opera piece,

as far as I'm concerned,
you are in the opera number.

I am? Oh, Kermie, what a surprise.

But it's not up to me,

because Beverly Sills
is holding some auditions a little later.

Well, uh, dear, I am not worried.

I just hope we're doing something
suitable for my talents.

Piggy, you're gonna love it.
It's called Pigoletto.

♪ Pigoletto ♪

♪ Oh, thank you, Kermit ♪

♪ You're very welcome ♪

NEWSMAN:
Here's a Muppet News Flash.

Soprano Beverly Sills
withdrew her announced plans

to retire from the operatic stage.

"I'll be singing opera
until the cows come home,"

she said today in a--

[COWS MOO AND NEWSMAN YELLS]

Beverly, I wanna thank you
for having this meeting with me.

Oh, that's all right.

What's this important matter
you want to talk to me about?

Well, ahh, I have created a new art form.

Really?

Yes. This will rank
with the creation of the first opera.

It's a cultural breakthrough.

Well, what is it?

Spoon hanging.

Spoon hanging?

Yes. Look, let me show you how it's done.
Here, take a spoon.

Okay, now, where do we hang it?

A-ha, that's the cultural part.

Now, do you swear that Beverly Sills
is in this dressing room?

-Uh, cross my heart, Sam.
-Oh!

-The Beverly Sills?
-Mm-hm.

World-famous soprano
and director of the New York City Opera?

The very one.

Oh, I must go in and worship at her feet.

Miss Sills,
I want you to know what a thrill--

What's the matter? Don't you like art?

[YELLING]

Poor fellow. He's obviously a lowbrow.

[BAND PLAYING DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[SINGING GIBBERISH OPERATICALLY]

[SINGING GIBBERISH OPERATICALLY]

[BOTH SINGING GIBBERISH]

[CREATURE WHISTLING]

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

-Ahem. Miss Sills.
-Oh, hello, Miss Piggy.

Hello. May I call you Beverly?

Of course. And I'll call you--

Miss Piggy will do just fine.

Oh. Yes, of course.

-Um...
-What can I do for you, Miss Piggy?

Well, Kermie told me
that, uh, you were doing an opera?

We are.
We're doing an opera called Pigoletto.

-Yes, and--
-And I bet I know why you're here.

Well, I am a, uh, ahem, pig.

Yes, and I know you want to audition
for the opera.

Oh! Yes. How did you guess?

Oh, honey,
they're coming out of the woodwork.

[PIGS SINGING OPERA MUSIC IN ITALIAN]

Um...

You see what I mean? I hate auditions.

Yes, I can understand what you mean.
It must be difficult.

It is. There are so many talented singers.
It's hard for me to say no.

I'm glad you said that.

[OPERATICALLY]
♪ La, la, la-la-la ♪

But in your case,
I'll be glad to make an exception.

[PIGS CONTINUE SINGING]

Is this where you're having auditions
for the basketball team?

Well, why not? Might just as well.

It's going up and down--

[DYNAMITE EXPLODES]

Okay, okay.

You can all be in Pigoletto.

[PIGS CHEERING]

Bev-- Would you please--? Bev.

Beverly, shall I keep my tambourine?

Oh, absolutely, Miss Piggy.

Why, you play that tambourine
almost as well as you sing.

[GASPS]

Ah! Thank you. Oh!

[ANIMALS CLAMORING]

Hey, hey, wait, what's going--?

Hold it, wait a minute.
What's going on here?

We're angry
because you're doing Pigoletto tonight.

What's wrong with that?

Well, there's an opera for us cows.

What's that?

Madame Buttermilk.

Yeah, yeah.

-Hey, there's one for us goats too.
-Hmm?

-Goatterdämmerung.
-Yeah.

-Watch your language.
-Bah.

And there's even an opera
for us otters too.

What's that?

La Traviotter.

That's enough.
Back to your dressing rooms.

Get out of here. Go on, go on, go on.
Scram, scram, scram. Whew.

-Uncle Kermit?
-Yeah?

There's an opera
for little frogs like me too.

Really?

Low 'n' Green.

Robin, you're as bad as they are.
Now get out of here. Mm.

Low 'n' Green.

Gee, I could play the lead
if I scrunched down.

♪ Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi ♪

SAM:
Welcome to Muppet University.

Hello.

Today's lecture
will be on microscopic life forms.

Underneath this
terribly expensive scientific...

doohickey, ahem,

is a single drop of pond water.

A-ha!

Leaving frivolity behind, let us now
explore the world of the water drop.

Lights, please.

Ah, what wonders await our eyes?

[BAND PLAYING MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

Hi-ho, Kermit the Protozoa here,

and what a show we have for you.

And now to kick things off, here he is,
the king of the single-celled comics,

Fozzie Amoeba! Yay!

Hey, hey, hey. A funny thing happened
to me on the way to the microscope.

This blob came up to me and said,
"I haven't had a disease in weeks."

So I bit him. Ah!

[SAM GROANS]

Class dismissed. Ugh.

[SAM GROANING]

Okay, that was very nice, Sam.

It was a fiasco.

No, no, no, it was educational.
I learned a lot from that.

You did? Oh, bless you, Kermit.

Tell me, what did you learn from that?

I learned that those little green protozoa
have a lot of talent.

[SAM MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, Kermit, everybody's on-stage
for the opera except the spear carriers.

-Huh?
-They want more money.

No way.

-Uh, see how much they want.
-Right.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we present a totally unknown
and unrehearsed opera, Pigoletto,

sung to the music of La Traviata

and performed for you
by the Muppetopolitan Opera Company.

It's all very strange,
but the good thing about it

is that it stars Miss Beverly Sills. Yay!

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY OPERA MUSIC]

[SINGING OPERA MUSIC IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING OPERA MUSIC IN FRENCH]

ALL:
♪ This is only opera that I know ♪

♪ I learned this one in school ♪

♪ We learned the words in French ♪

♪ And even still
I don't know what it means ♪

[CONTINUES SINGING OPERA MUSIC IN ITALIAN]

[BAND PLAYING MARCH]

PIGGY:
Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Stroke! Go!

[CLEARING THROAT]

[SINGING OPERA MUSIC IN GERMAN]

[SINGING OPERA MUSIC IN GERMAN]

♪ I can sing higher ♪

[VOCALIZING IN HIGHER KEY]

[IN HIGHER KEY]
♪ I can sing higher ♪

[VOCALIZING IN HIGHER KEY]

[VOCALIZING IN HIGHER KEY]

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

[SINGING OPERA MUSIC IN ITALIAN]

♪ Let me apologize
For all these other guys ♪

♪ They've done it wrong again
Sung the wrong song again ♪

♪ Tell her that you're sorry ♪

PIGS:
♪ Beverly, we're sorry ♪

♪ Won't you please excuse us
For being here at all? ♪

[CONTINUES SINGING OPERA MUSIC IN ITALIAN]

PIGS: ♪ God bless America ♪
-♪ Ah ♪

♪ God bless America ♪

[VOCALIZING]

[ALL SINGING OPERA MUSIC IN ITALIAN]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, well, you saw the beginning
and middle of The Muppet Show,

so this must be the end.

Which means it is time to say thank you
to our very special guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, Beverly Sills! Yay!

[MUPPETS CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And thank you, Kermit.

Oh, thank you, Beverly.

You're a great sport
to put up with all of our goofiness.

-Oh, not at all. I really enjoyed it.
-Oh, good.

As a matter of fact, doing The Muppet Show
is almost as much fun

as doing a serious opera.

Wow. Does that mean
you'd like to come back next week?

I said "almost."

Beverly, Beverly!

Does this mean
you are forsaking spoon hanging

for some lesser art form?

Gonzo!

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

Wonderful, Beverly.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Wake up.

Huh? Who's the guest star tonight?

Beverly Hills.

-I've been there before.
-Oh.