04x11 - Lola Falana

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Lola Falana.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Lola.

Thank you.

Tell them I'm sick, anything.
Just get me out of it.

-Huh?
-Oh, sorry, Scooter.

-Uh, just talking to my agent.
-Oh.

What did you say?

I said, "Fifteen seconds to curtain."

-Thank you, darling.
-Uh-huh.

You gotta work fast, Bernie.
You only got 15 seconds.

It's The Muppet Show, with our very
special guest star, Lola Falana.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Hey, don't start on our account.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[BLOWS]

Heh. I give autographs after the show.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.

And it's going to be a great show
because our special guest star

is a wonderful singer, dancer,
and comedienne, Miss Lola Falana!

But first, I have
an important announcement to make.

Tonight is the last show
for Gonzo the Great.

ALL:
Aw!

Gonzo, come on out here.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you.

Mwah. Love you.

Yes, it is true. This is it, Kerm.

Yes, folks, believe it or not,
Gonzo is leaving us.

He's going to Bombay, India
to become a movie star.

[SIGHS]

Yep, I got an offer
from 20th Century Chicken.

Uh, Gonzo, we wish you
all the luck in the world.

Well, thanks, Kerm. Hey, listen.

I want you to know I'm never gonna forget
all you little people I met along the way.

-Uh... Uh, thanks.
-It ain't nothing, really.

True.

Anyhow, here for Gonzo's last show

is an opening number by his
favorite people, the Muppet Chickens! Yay!

[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Bok a little, bok a little ♪

♪ Bok a lot, bok a little more ♪

♪ Bok a little, bok a little ♪

♪ Bok a lot, bok a little more ♪

♪ Bok a little, bok a little ♪

♪ Bok a lot, bok a little more ♪

♪ Bok a little, bok a little ♪

♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪

♪ Bok a little, bok a little ♪

♪ Bok a lot, bok a little more ♪

♪ Bok a little, bok a little ♪

♪ Bok a lot, bok a little more ♪

♪ Bok a little, bok a little ♪

♪ Bok a lot, bok a little more ♪

♪ Bok a little, bok a little ♪

♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪

♪ Goodnight, ladies ♪

♪ Goodnight, ladies ♪

♪ Goodnight, ladies ♪

♪ I'm going to leave you now ♪

♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok, bok, bok, bok
Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey, you know, it's too bad
Gonzo's leaving the show.

Yeah, I can think of some other people
I'd rather see leave the show.

-Who?
-Me.

I just can't believe he's leaving.

Oh, watch the crying, girls.
You'll get depressed and start to molt.

Okay, the One-Octopus Band,
on-stage, please.

Herbie, get out there, get out there.
Move it, move it, move it.

The little blue geek got a movie deal?

Oh, Kermit, how--?

-Oh, Gonzo! Gonzo, dear.
-Oh, hi, Miss Piggy.

Camilla, why don't I meet you
up in the dressing room, honey?

-Ha, ha.
-Aw.

Love you, babe.

Oh, boy.

Gonzo, I was just talking about you.

Yeah, she said you were a little blue--

Kermit, don't you have to go on-stage
and wave your arms or something?

-Uh... Uh, sure. Ha-ha-ha.
-Yeah. Ha, ha-ha-ha.

Um, Gonzo, I am just so proud of you
and your movie deal.

Aw, well, I guess
it was just in the cards, MP.

Yes, yes, and, um, I just want you to know
that at your movie studio,

if you should ever happen upon a producer
who is looking for a, ahem, sex goddess...

Yes, I'll know just who to call.

Well, thank you.

Camilla.

What?!

That little chicky babe is dynamite.

She makes most movie queens
look like pigs.

[LAUGHS]

Don't come back, turkey twit!

[GRUMBLES]

Hi-yah!

[CRASHING]

Okay, well, it's guest star time,
and stand by for a great one.

Here she is, one of the top all around
entertainers in the business, Lola Falana.

Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ He's the greatest dancer ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ That I've ever seen ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ He's the greatest dancer ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ One night in a disco
On the outskirts of Frisco ♪

♪ I was cruising with my favorite g*ng ♪

♪ The place was so boring
Filled with out-of-towners touring ♪

♪ I knew that it wasn't my thing ♪

♪ I really wasn't caring ♪

♪ But I felt my eyes staring
At a guy who stuck out in the crowd ♪

♪ He had the kind of body
That would shame Adonis ♪

♪ And a face that would make
Any man proud ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ He's the greatest dancer ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ That I've ever seen ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ He's the greatest dancer ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ The champion of dance
His moves just put me in a trance ♪

♪ And he never leaves the disco alone ♪

♪ Arrogance, but not conceit
As a man that's so complete ♪

♪ My crème de la crème
Please take me home ♪

♪ He wears the finest clothes
The best designers, heaven knows ♪

♪ From his head down to his toes ♪

♪ Halston, Gucci, Fiorucci ♪

♪ He looks like a still
That man is dressed to k*ll ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ He's the greatest dancer ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ That I've ever seen ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ He's the greatest dancer ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

♪ Oh, what, wow ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Do you ever go to those dances?

Dances? I've got a slipped disco.

Slipped disco!

Aw, Camilla, Camilla, Camilla.
Love you, baby.

Hey, as soon as I get my mansion
and limousine, I'm gonna send for you.

-Aw.
-Oh, yeah.

Okay, everybody.

Lola, that was great.

Thank you, but I couldn't have done it
without Gonzo.

-Gonzo, baby, put it here. Right here.
-Huh?

I have worked with some of the biggest,
but you're right up there with the best.

Oh, and don't forget to stop by
my dressing room.

I wanna give you my phone number.

Hey, I'll be there, babe.

[CLUCKING]

Uh... No, I...

[GONZO SHOUTS]

Gonzo, you gotta get on-stage
to do your last number for us.

Oh, sure, babe.

Huh, I gotta admit though.

It's gonna seem strange
not working for you, KF.

Uh, it's gonna be strange
for us, too, Gonzo.

Still, no regrets.

-Well, one regret.
-Oh?

I never did my masterpiece act for you.

Oh, what's that?

I sing "Top Hat" while tap dancing
in a vat of oatmeal.

It's an act worthy of your talent, Gonzo.

And of your show.

Touché.

Well, folks, as I've already told you,

our master of culture and v*olence
is moving on to other things.

Uh, so let's give a warm hand for this,

his farewell appearance
on The Muppet Show, Gonzo the Great!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PIANO PLAYING "MY WAY"]

♪ And now the end is near ♪

♪ And so I face the final curtain ♪

♪ My friend, I'll say it clear ♪

♪ I'll state my case
Of which I'm certain ♪

♪ I've lived a life that's full ♪

♪ I've traveled each and every highway ♪

♪ And more, much more than this ♪

♪ I did it my way ♪

♪ I've loved, I've laughed and cried ♪

♪ I've had my fill, my share of losing ♪

♪ And now, as tears subside ♪

♪ I find it all so amusing ♪

♪ To think I did all that ♪

♪ And may I say
Not in a shy way ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Oh, no... ♪

[SOBS]

[SNIFFLES]

Gonzo? Are you okay, Gonzo?

It's just a song.

I know. It's not the song.

I just don't wanna go.

Yeah, but you're gonna go out
and make movies.

I wanna go there.
I just don't wanna leave here.

You had a choice to make, Gonzo.

And you made it, and it was a good choice.

I know.

Well, I don't like long goodbyes,
Gonzo, so, uh...

-Take care of yourself, Gonzo.
-You, too.

Well, we've had a little change of plans.
I think we'd better just take a break.

[CLUCKING]

[GROANS]

[CLUCKING TO MELODY OF "I'M GONNA
WASH THAT MAN RIGHT OUT OF MY HAIR"]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, he's actually gone.
Will we ever forget him?

-Who?
-You know, uh, what's-his-name.

So, chief, did you find
a replacement for Gonzo?

A replacement? Gee, how could you possibly
replace somebody like Gonzo?

Easy. I know someone
who'd probably be perfect.

-You do?
-Sure, he's the best friend of my uncle.

The best friend of the man
who owns this theater?

The best friend of the man
you owe three months back rent to.

-Uh, sounds very talented.
-Mm-hm.

What's his name?

Trevor the Gross!

Ta-da!

-When do I start?
-Uh, well, probably right away, Trevor.

Come on.
We'll clean out Gonzo's dressing room.

Uh, fine,
but you'll probably need shovels.

Probably need shovels!

[SIGHS]

My whole life is passing before my eyes.

[MUPPET SPORTS THEME PLAYS]

This is Louis Kazzager with Muppet Sports.

And we've got a dandy today:

The marathon tree-staring contest.

For more than 87 hours,
Klaus Mueller of West Paraguay

has been trying to outstare that tree.

It's the classic confrontation.
Man against wood.

Wait a minute.

Yes, the tree is beginning to cr*ck.

Mueller moves in for the k*ll!

And it's all over.
Mueller has outstared the tree!

Our congratulations, Klaus.
You just won the $10,000 prize.

Oh, muchas gracias, señor.

[KLAUS SCREAMING]

I'll personally see to it
that his widow gets the money.

But he wasn't married.

Shut up.

[HUMMING]

♪ He's the greatest dancer ♪

[GONZO SOBBING AND LOLA GASPS]

Gonzo.

What are you doing in there?

I thought you were going to Bombay, India,
to become a movie star.

I was, but then I got this telegram.

"To Gonzo the Great, care of Muppet Show.

Thought we were hiring other performer
named Gonzo the Mediocre.

Contract canceled."

Gonzo, oh, don't worry. Come on.

I'm sure Kermit will give you
your job right back.

No, they already replaced me
with this dumb-looking bird.

They're cleaning out my dressing room.
They threw out my mildew collection.

[SIGHS]

I'll never work again.

No, there must be other shows
you could work on.

Oh, it's hopeless. The Great Gonzo is...

[KISSES]

...fini.

Oh, no. Wait.

Before you quit,
there's one more thing you should try.

What's that?

♪ Smile though your heart is aching ♪

♪ Smile even though it's breaking ♪

♪ Even when clouds are high in the sky ♪

♪ That's the time
You must keep on smiling ♪

♪ Smile, what's the use in crying? ♪

♪ You'll see your sun
Come shining through ♪

♪ If you just ♪

♪ Light up the life with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness ♪

♪ Although that tear
May look ever so near ♪

♪ That's the time
You must keep on trying ♪

♪ Smile, what's the use in crying? ♪

♪ You'll find that life
Is so worthwhile ♪

♪ If you just ♪

♪ Smile ♪

-You see?
-Yeah, thank you, Lola.

You feel better now?

Of course. Now I can smile my way
through the rest of my miserable life.

I think he missed the point.

Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen,
as we all know,

there is no way
we will ever replace Gonzo the Great.

You tell them, Kermit!

But that doesn't mean we won't try.

Yes, the man who plans
to fill Gonzo's shoes

is even now standing in the wings.

Later, Camilla, you cute little doll.
I gotta go on-stage now.

So here he is now, ladies and gentlemen.
Trevor the Gross!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I, Trevor the Gross,
will now sing "Top Hat"

while tap dancing in this vat of oatmeal.

-That does it! All right, stop!
-What's this?

You can steal my job,
you can steal my girlfriend,

but you cannot have my oatmeal dance!

-Gonzo, will you get off the stage?
-No!

Good grief.

Close the curtain, close the curtain,
close the curtain!

Gonzo, what is this all about?

Uh, well, my film deal fell through.
But I'll accept my old position back.

-Yeah, but, Gonzo--
-Oh, please, Kermit.

Kiss, kiss, grovel, grovel.

Stop kissing my flipper!
Gonzo, have you no dignity?

Of course not.
How long have we worked together?

Uh, hi, listen,
everything's just all right.

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

Kermit, do something!
They're getting mean out there.

Yeah, listen, I've promised
the oatmeal act to Trevor.

That's right, and I won't give it up.
Love the oatmeal act.

-Sic him, girls!
-What? Hey, stop!

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

Wait, get off! All right!

-You can have the oatmeal act.
-I guess it's settled then.

Gonzo, you get ready.
I'll go introduce you.

Yippee! Ha, ha!

Uh, may I have your attention, please.
I'm sorry for the delay.

I'm happy to announce
the return engagement of Gonzo the Great.

-Are you ready back there?
GONZO: Okay!

Okay, who will sing "Top Hat"
while tap dancing in a vat of oatmeal.

Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great!
Yeah!

♪ I'm putting on my top hat ♪

♪ Tying up my white tie ♪

♪ Dusting off my-- ♪

[SCREAMS]

[OATMEAL BUBBLING]

Wait, wait, he sank into the oatmeal!

Don't worry, don't worry.
We've got spoons and milk and brown sugar.

Yeah, we're gonna eat
our way through to him.

Close the curtains, close the curtains!

What are they doing with those spoons?

Scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Hmm, I'm not surprised.
That's how they get all their acts.

-I got some raisins.
-Well, bring them!

Oh, boy. What a disaster. What a mess!

Gonzo, you're a mess.
I tell you, everything's gone wrong.

Kermit, what are you so upset about?

I thought the most important thing
would be that Gonzo is back.

Oh, you know, you're right, Lola.

Gonzo, it's nice to have you back.

Oh, well, let's face it.

I wouldn't really wanna be any place else.

That's a nice thing to say, Gonzo.
In fact...

♪ There's nowhere in the world
That I would rather be ♪

♪ Than with you, my love ♪

Aw.

♪ And there's nothing in the world
That I would rather see ♪

♪ Than your smile, my love ♪

♪ For united we stand
Divided we fall ♪

♪ And if our backs should ever
Be against the wall ♪

♪ We'll be together ♪

♪ Together, you and I ♪

♪ For united we stand
Divided we fall ♪

♪ And if our backs should ever
Be against the wall ♪

♪ We'll be together ♪

♪ Together, you and I ♪

That's very good.

♪ And if the world around you
Falls apart, my love ♪

♪ I will still be here ♪

♪ And if the going gets too hard
Along the way ♪

♪ Just you call, I'll hear ♪

♪ For united we stand
Divided we fall ♪

♪ And if our backs should ever
Be against the wall ♪

♪ We'll be together ♪

♪ Together, you and I ♪

-Okay, everybody, let's sing!
-Yeah, come on!

♪ For united we stand
Divided we fall ♪

♪ And if our backs should ever
Be against the wall ♪

♪ We'll be together ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, now that our weird little family
is all back together again,

I guess that wraps up another show.

Before we go, I wanna say thank you
to our wonderful guest star,

Ladies and gentlemen, Lola Falana. Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Thank you. Thank you, Kermit.

It's been just wonderful being a part of
reuniting this big, wonderful family.

ALL:
Aw!

Ah! Miss Piggy,
you're standing on my foot.

-The wimp is back.
-Hey, don't call him a wimp.

He is! Lola...

Well, uh, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Gonzo would've been perfect
for that movie he was gonna star in.

What movie was that?

The Revenge of the Little Blue Geek.