04x18 - Christopher Reeve

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
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Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
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04x18 - Christopher Reeve

Post by bunniefuu »

[KNOCKING]

Oh, Anne? Anne Murray?
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Murray.

Thanks, Scooter.

Say, is skateboarding allowed
in the theater?

Nope. Strictly forbidden.

It's for some dumb reason,
though I don't know why.

Whoa!

[DISHES CLATTERING]

I just remembered the reason.

It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Anne Murray!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[TRUMPETS]

Another television first!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show!

A terrific show we have for you tonight,
because our special guest

is the lovely recording star
and entertainer, Miss Anne Murray!

But before we meet Miss Murray,
we have a sensational opening number.

I'm not going to tell you
anything about it,

because I want it to be
a real surprise, and--

[MOTOR REVVING]

Just a second.

Hey, uh... Hey, back there.
Would you turn off that, uh... chainsaw?

Turn off the chainsaw.

Kermit? Kermit, Kermit,
that's not a chainsaw.

That's the motorcycle
for Miss Piggy's opening number.

I know it's a motorcycle.
I was trying to keep it from the audience!

[WHISPERS] Oh.
Gotcha, gotcha. I'll tell them.

Uh, hey, hey guys, back there?
Uh, turn off that chainsaw!

Got it.

I don't know why I even try.

Ladies and gentlemen, our opening number,
featuring Miss Piggy on a motorcycle.

You blew it! It's not a motorcycle!

♪ Round, round get around,
I get around, yeah ♪

♪ Get around, round, round
I get around ♪

♪ I get around from town to town ♪

♪ I'm a real cool pig ♪

♪ I'm makin' real good bread ♪

♪ We're gettin' bugged drivin'
Up and down the same old strip ♪

♪ I gotta find a new place
Where the kids are hip ♪

Sing it, boys!

♪My buddies and me
Are gettin' real well known ♪

♪ Yeah, the bad guys know us
And they leave us alone ♪

♪ Like to wheel around from town to town ♪

♪ I'm a real cool pig ♪

♪ I'm makin' real good bread ♪

♪ I get around, round
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Wah-wah, ooh ♪

♪ Wah-wah, ooh ♪

♪ Wah-wah, ooh ♪

♪ We always take our bikes
And we've never been b*at ♪

♪ And we've never yet missed
With the girls that we meet ♪

Oh, yes!

♪ None of the guys go steady
'Cause it wouldn't be right ♪

♪ To leave your best girl home
On a Saturday night ♪

♪ I get around from town to town ♪

♪ I'm a real cool pig ♪

♪ I'm makin' real good bread ♪

-♪ I get around, I get around ♪
-♪ Round ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Round, round, get around
I get around ♪

♪ Get around, round, round
I get around ♪

♪ I get around ♪

See you around!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What do you think of pigs on bikes?

I never have liked road hogs.

"Road hogs"!

Round, round, round. We got around that.

That's a good number, guys.

-Vroom, vroom, vroom!
-Cool it, porko. The number is over.

Put-put-put-put-put-put-put.

Oh, boy.

-Kermie?
-Yeah?

Oh, Kermie. You know, you and I
should have done that number together.

You'd be very attractive
in the leather-and-goggle look.

Well, I'd just need the leather.
I already got the goggle look.

Yes, I just love your eyes. Oh!

They're like two ping-pong balls
floating in a pond of green algae.

[SIGHS]

Must be true.
Everybody says the same thing.

Whoa! I'm in trouble! I can't stop! Whoa!

Try to run into something soft
and well-padded!

Aaah! Miss Piggy!

Hmm? Aaah!

Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen,
our very special guest--

[PIGGY SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

Uh, our very special guest
with one of my very favorite songs.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Anne Murray!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING "SNOWBIRD"]

♪ Beneath its snowy mantle
Cold and clean ♪

♪ The unborn grass lies waiting
For its gold to turn to green ♪

♪The snowbird sings a song
He always sings ♪

♪ And speaks to me of flowers
That will bloom again in spring ♪

♪ When I was young
My heart was yearning, too ♪

♪ And anything that it would tell me
That's the thing that I would do ♪

♪ But now I feel such emptiness within ♪

♪ For the thing that I want most in life's
The thing that I can't win ♪

♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away ♪

♪ And take the snow back with you
Where it came from on that day ♪

♪ The one I love forever is untrue ♪

♪ And if I could, you know
That I would fly away with you ♪

♪ The breeze along the river
Seems to say ♪

♪ That he'll only break my heart again
Should I decide to stay ♪

♪ So, little snowbird, take me with you
When you go ♪

♪ To that land of gentle breezes
Where the peaceful waters flow ♪

♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away ♪

♪ And take the snow back with you
Where it came from on that day ♪

♪ The one I love forever is untrue ♪

♪ And if I could, you know
That I would fly away with you ♪

DODO:
Hidey ho, there!

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, heh, heh. Hi, there, pretty lady!

Uh, singing to the snowbirds, huh?

Um, yes. Who are you?

Oh, I'm the dodo who lives around here.

Well, this is a beautiful forest.

Oh, really? They're tearing it all down.

You're kidding.

Nope, gonna build apartment houses.

Yep, rip out the trees,
brick up the creek. Ha-ha-ha.

Apartments everywhere!

I didn't know birds
built apartment houses.

Oh, yeah,
these are especially built for birds.

-Oh?
-Yeah.

They're "condor-miniums"! Ha-ha-ha!

Uh, can I get on with my song now?

Yeah, but you'd better sing fast.
The bulldozers are coming.

♪ Yeah, if I could ♪

♪ You know that I would
Fly away with you ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-What were those little flying things?
-Snowbirds.

Oh, it's snow good, either.

Okay, great number.
That was just wonderful, Anne.

-Thank you.
-Hey, what about me?

Well, to be honest, I hate bird jokes.

Oh, come on, Kermit.
He just did it for a lark.

Oh, boy. Um-- Oh, Scooter?

Would you tell the Mexican hat dancers
they're on next?

-Oh, I did.
-Good.

You're not riding your skateboard
up there, are you?

Nope, I left it downstairs.

Oh, good. Uh...

[YELLS THEN GRUNTS]

[DANCERS LAUGHING]

Ah, you think that's funny, huh?

-Sí. Mucho. Ha, ha!
-Mucho. Ha-ha!

Yeah, well, here's
another mucho ha-ha for you.

Your set is ruined and the Mexican
hat dance number has to be canceled.

Aw! Doña Maria!

And now for this Muppet News Flash.

Muppet Labs announced today the invention
of a new hair-trigger exploding paper.

The paper was inscribed
with the following message, quote,

"Muppet Labs announced today the invention
of a new hair-trigger exploding paper."

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
there's been a last-minute program change.

Uh, the Mexican hat dancers
have graciously stepped aside--

[DANCERS SHOUTING]

Uh... Ahem.

So that, uh, we may present
the following piece of weirdness.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Trudge, trudge, trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge, trudge, trudge.

Trudge, trudge, trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge.

Streak! Streak!

Trudge, trudge, trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge.

Streak! Streak!

Wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder.
Wonder, wonder.

Streak! Streak!

Trudge. Wonder. Trudge. Wonder.
Trudge. Wonder.

Streak! Streak!

Wonder. Fuss. Wonder. Fume. Wonder. Fret.

Streak! Streak!

Fuss. Fume. Fuss. Fret. Fret. Fume.

Smash! Smash!

-Groan. Groan.
-Chuckle. Chuckle.

Moan. Whimper. Groan. Whimper.
Moan. Whimper.

-Gloat. Gloat.
-Moan. Whimper.

-Chuckle. Gloat.
-Groan. Whimper.

-Giggle. Gloat.
-Moan.

-Giggle.
-Groan.

-Chuckle. Gloat.
-Whimper.

Smash! Smash!

Bash! Bash!

-Crash! Crash!
-Mash! Mash!

Smash!

Smash!

-Pain.
-Ache.

-Hurt.
-Whimper.

[BOTH GROANING]

Pacify. Pacify.

Compromise? Compromise?

-Deal?
-Deal.

-Trudge, trudge.
-Streak! Streak!

-Trudge, trudge.
-Streak! Streak!

-Trudge.
-Streak-a!

-Trudge, trudge.
-Streak-a! Streak-a!

-Trudge, trudge.
-Trudge, streak-a!

-Trudge, streak-a!
-Streak-a, trudge!

♪ Trudge, streak-a, streak-a, trudge
Trudge, streak-a ♪

♪ Streak-a, streak-a, trudge, trudge
Trudge, streak-a, streak-a, trudge ♪

♪ Trudge, trudge, and trudge, streak! ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

Direct from a record-breaking
two-day engagement

at the Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
parrot jungle,

Milton Miller
and his Farmyard Philharmonic Trio! Yay!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

♪ The was an old man
And he had an old sow ♪

-[ANIMALS VOCALIZING]
-♪ Say ow, ow, idle-e-dow ♪

♪ Suzanne is a funnyful man ♪

♪ Say lassie go ring, say low
Suzanne is a funnyful man ♪

♪ Man, idle-e-dan
Suzanne is a funnyful man ♪

Oh, this here a lovely little song,

and we want y'all to sing along,
the whole audience. Here we go.

♪ Now this old sow had three little pigs
Igs, igs, idle-e-digs ♪

♪ Suzanne is a funnyful man ♪

♪ Say lassie go ring, say low
Suzanne is a funnyful man ♪

♪ Man, idle-e-dan
Suzanne is a funnyful man ♪

Uh, now, listen,
some of you folks aren't singing.

I want to hear y'all now. Here we go.

♪ Now these three pigs
They made their best ham ♪

♪ Am, am, ardl-e-darn
Suzanne is a funny old man ♪

♪ Say lassie go ring, say low ♪

♪ Suzanne is a funnyful man
Man, idle-e-dan ♪

♪ Suzanne is a funny old man ♪

Oh, you folks aren't singing there now.
Let's hear y'all.

Here we go. Last rhyme.


♪ These three little pigs
They had to be stuck ♪

♪ Uck, uck, idle-e-duck
Suzanne is a funny old man ♪

♪ Say lassie go ring, say low
Suzanne is a funnyful man ♪

♪ Man, idle-e-dan
Suzanne is a funnyful man ♪

Oh, what's the matter with you people?
How come you don't sing?

-Because this is a dumb song.
-Yeah!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Uh, excuse me, Miss, uh...

-Murray.
-Yeah.

Miss Murray, I'm, uh...

-Zoot.
-Yeah. Yeah.

And I just came up to your, uh...

-Dressing room?
-Yeah.

Because I was looking for my, uh...

-Saxophone.
-Yeah.

Anything else you wanna know?

No, that about covers it.

You know, there's just one way
to keep from losing that thing.

What's that?

Keep blowing it.

Good thinking.

[PLAYING "WALK RIGHT BACK"]

♪ I want you to tell me ♪

♪ Why you walked out on me ♪

♪ I'm so lonesome every day ♪

♪ I want you to know ♪

♪ That since you walked out on me ♪

♪ Nothing seems to be the same old way ♪

♪ Think about the love that burns
Within my heart for you ♪

♪ The good times we had
Before you went away from me ♪

♪ Walk right back to me this minute ♪

♪ Bring your love to me don't send it ♪

♪ I'm so lonesome every day ♪

♪ I want you to tell me ♪

♪ Why you walked out on me ♪

♪ I'm so lonesome every day ♪

♪ I want you to know ♪

♪ That since you walked out on me ♪

♪ Nothing seems to be the same old way ♪

♪ Think about the love that burns
Within my heart for you ♪

♪ The good times we had
Before you went on from me ♪

♪ Walk right back to me this minute ♪

♪ Bring your love to me don't send it ♪

♪ I'm so lonesome every day ♪

Take it, Zoot.

♪ I'm so lonesome every day ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

For sure.

That's very nice, uh...

-Zoot.
-Yeah.

[MONSTERS MUMBLING]

Are those guys still here?
They finished their number a while ago.

-Why don't they go home?
-They say they want transportation.

Transportation?

Yeah, they say they're waiting
for their chauffeur.

There seems to be
some misunderstanding here.

-You see, we never, ever--
-Never, ever, ever!

[KERMIT SHOUTING]

Absolutely never fail
to provide transportation!

Uh, your chauffeur's name is Scooter!

SCOOTER:
Huh? Oh, okay, boss!

Why don't you wait there by the door,
and he'll come and pick you up.

[GRUMBLING]

Scooter?

Whoa! Ready!

Uh, your passengers are down there
by the door.

Okay. Whoa!

[MUPPET SPORTS THEME PLAYING]

Welcome again to the wild world
of Muppet Sports.

Louis Kazagger here in Glasgow, Scotland,
where Angus MacGregor

is about to attempt to break
the world record for bagpipe eating.

And there's Angus,
obviously at the peak of his form.

And there's the bagpipe.

And they're off!

Angus bends back
for a tremendous first bite and overhand.

[BAGPIPE PLAYING]

And oh, no, wait!

Stop! Don't eat that bagpipe.
It's not dead yet!

[YELLING]

Somehow MacGregor has gotten hold
of a live bagpipe,

one of the deadliest creatures
known to man!

Wait! This is incredible.

MacGregor seems to be getting
the upper hand!

Yes, it's true, and here it is!

A genuine Highland Fling!

And there you have it, folks.
One of the most astounding feats ever!

Oh, no! It's that--
Oh, they're re-bagging! Oh, help!

-Whoa!
-Huh?

[SCREAMS]

-Sheesh. Hey, Kermit?
-Uh, yeah?

Can we do some skateboard tricks onstage?

Maybe next week, Scooter. We're just about
to do the closing number now.

Gee. My uncle, who owns this theater,

who's in the audience tonight,
who won't be here next week

because he's talking to his accountant
about a big rent increase,

-Yeah.
-would be very disappointed.

[SIGHS]

Shouldn't you be getting your skateboard
ready for the closing number?

Oh, thanks, chief!

Some chief.
Taking orders from the papoose.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
and, of course, Scooter's uncle,

once again, it is time for our guest star
and our skateboards.

So let's have a really big hand
for Miss Anne Murray! Yeah!

[CHEERING]

[PLAYING "EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN"]

♪ When trumpets were mellow ♪

♪ And every gal only had one fellow ♪

♪ No need to remember when ♪

♪ 'Cause everything old is new again ♪

♪ Dancin' at your
Long Island Jazz Age parties ♪

♪ Waiter, bring us some more Bacardis ♪

♪ Order now what they ordered then ♪

♪ 'Cause everything old is new again ♪

♪ Get out your white suit
Your top hat and tails ♪

♪ Let's go backwards when forward fails ♪

♪ And movie stars
You thought were long dead ♪

♪ Have them framed beside your bed ♪

♪ Don't throw the past away ♪

♪ You might need it some rainy day ♪

♪ Dreams can come true again ♪

♪ When everything old is new again ♪

♪ Get out your white suit
Your top hat and tails ♪

♪ And put it on backwards
When forward fails ♪

♪ And leave Greta Garbo alone ♪

♪ And be a movie star on your own ♪

[ALL SHOUTING]

♪ And be a movie star on your own ♪

♪ And don't throw the past away ♪

♪ You might need it some rainy day ♪

♪ Dreams can come true again ♪

♪ When everything old is new again ♪

♪ When everything old is new again ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[SHOUTING]

This is easier than I thought. Whoa!

Anyway, it's time to go,
but we can't until we've said goodbye

to a wonderful lady and a great singer.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Anne Murray!

Whoa!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Kermit.

You know, it's been a lot of fun.
You people are just wonderful.

[YELLS]

[CYMBALS CRASH]

Kermit, are you all right?

[KERMIT GROANING]

[ECHOING] Yeah. We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

Oh, thanks a lot, Anne.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Something doesn't
have to be funny to be good.

-What'd you think of this show?
-It was good!
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