04x20 - Alan Arkin

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Andy Williams. Andy Williams.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Andy.

Terrific, Scooter. I'm all set.

Oh, by the way, Andy,

thanks for sharing the dressing room
with the Limburger.

Oh, that's all right.

I was warned this was a cheesy show.

[ANDY & CHEESES LAUGHING]

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Andy Williams.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

How much do you want not to start?

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[DOGS HOWLING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you.

Hi-ho, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

We're gonna have a wonderful show
because tonight's special guest

is one of my all-time favorite people,
Mr. Andy Williams.

But first, here is an opening number,
"My Kind of Door."

[BAND PLAYING MELANCHOLY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ Midnight ♪

♪ One more night without sleeping ♪

♪ Watching ♪

♪ 'Til the morning comes creeping ♪

♪ Green door ♪

♪ What's that secret you're keeping? ♪

♪ There's an old piano
And they play it hot ♪

♪ Behind the green door, oh, yeah ♪

♪ I don't know what they're doing
But they laugh a lot ♪

♪ Behind the green door ♪

♪ Oh, wish they'd let me in ♪

♪ So I could find out
What's behind the green door ♪

Here I go. Ahem.

♪ Knocked once ♪

♪ I tried to tell them I'd been here ♪

Oh.

♪ The door slammed ♪

♪ Hospitality is thin there ♪

♪ Ugh, wonder what's going on in there ♪

[SIGHS]

[PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

[CROWD WHOOPING]

A-ha!

[BAND PLAYING MELANCHOLY JAZZ MUSIC]

[ECHOING]
What?

Hello? Anybody home?

Yuck.

-Eh.
-Huh.

♪ Midnight ♪

♪ One more night without sleeping ♪

A-ha! Oh.

♪ Watching ♪

♪ 'Til the morning comes creeping ♪

♪ Oh, green door
What's that secret you're keeping? ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ Green door
What's that secret you're keeping, huh? ♪

♪ Green door ♪

[CROWD WHOOPING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

At first, I thought that number
was gonna be good, but then...

-Then what?
-Then they raised the curtain.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Uh... Oh, Andrew, dear, hello.

Hi, Miss Piggy.

There has been an itsy-bitsy change
in your opening number.

-Oh?
-Yes.

I think Kermie would like you
to sing "Love Story."

-"Love Story"?
-Mm-hm. You know, it goes:

♪ La, la-la, la, la... ♪

-I know the song. I know the song.
-Oh.

Uh, but why?

Well, you sing it so beautifully.

Well, thank you.
But we rehearsed "Moon River."

Well, um, uh...

Andrew...

I have a little secret
between vous et moi.

What?

You and me.

I know what it means. But, uh, why?

Oh, Andrew, Kermie and I,

we are engaged.

-No!
-Yes!

-That's wonderful.
-Yes, and it just happened.

-Can I make the announcement?
-No! No.

Um, only you and I know.

And Kermit.

Who?

Oh, yes, yes, uh, Kermit. Yes, yes.

But you will sing "Love Story" for us,
won't you?

-Well, of course I will.
-Ahh.

-The frog and the pig getting married.
-Yes.

Soon there'll be the patter of tiny figs.

[CHORTLING]

When you finish breaking yourself up,
you will sing, won't you?

Uh, listen, Rizzo, one of these
dancing cheeses seems to be missing.

Now, do you know anything
about this dancing cheese?

-Rats.
-Kermie, Kermie, Kermie!

I wonder if I may make an itsy-bitsy
suggestion for tonight's show.

I guess so. What is it?

Cancel "Moon River"
and have Andy Williams sing "Love Story."

Miss Piggy,
I can't change the running order now.

Besides, Andy's associated
with "Moon River."

And you know who's associated
with "Love Story," don't you?

-Hm?
-Vous et moi.

What?!

-You and me.
-I know what it means.

The "Moon River" set is already
being moved on-stage, so forget it.

Kermie-- Hold it!

But Kermit told us to put this
on the stage.

[BEAKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

I don't care.

Just take that back
and bring in the "Love Story" set.

But if we did that, Kermit would fire us.

Would you rather be fired or dismembered?

[BEAKER SCREAMS]

Hm. Dismembered sounds like fun.

[GASPS THEN SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

[GASPS]

We'll take fired.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight

is one of the world's great entertainers
and recording artists.

-Here he is now, Mr. Andy Williams.
-Psst, psst, psst.

-What? What?
-Kermie. Psst.

KERMIT:
What?

[KERMIT SCREAMS THEN CRASHES]

[BAND PLAYING TENDER EASY-LISTENING MUSIC]

♪ Where do I begin ♪

♪ To tell the story
Of how great a love can be? ♪

♪ The sweet love story
That is older than the sea ♪

♪ The simple truth
About the love she brings to me ♪

♪ Where do I start? ♪

♪ With her first hello ♪

Hello.

♪ She gave new meaning
To this empty world of mine ♪

♪ There'd never be another love
Another time ♪

A-ha!

♪ She came into my life
And made the living fine ♪

♪ She fills my heart ♪

A-ha!

♪ She fills my heart ♪

Kermit!

♪ With very special things ♪

♪ With angels' songs ♪

♪ With wild imaginings ♪

Ah!

♪ She fills my soul with so much love ♪

♪ That anywhere I go ♪

-Ha!
-Excuse me.

♪ I'm never lonely ♪

♪ With her along, who could be lonely? ♪

♪ I reach for her hand ♪

♪ It's always there ♪

♪ How long does it last? ♪

♪ Can love be measured
By the hours in a day? ♪

♪ I have no answers now
But this much I can say ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ I know I'll need her
'Til the stars all burn away ♪

♪ And she'll be ♪

♪ There ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

I wonder if we'll be called up
as witnesses at the trial.

What trial?

Well, you don't think
Andy's gonna take this lying down?

Good number. Nice number.

Oh, Kermiekins, don't be angry.

You know how I hate romantic junk
like that.

Oh, congratulations, chief.
I wish you all the happiness in the world.

-Hm?
-You'll need it.

-Ha-ha-ha!
-Um, uh...

What was that all about?

[LAUGHS]

Um... Oh, that Scooter
and his dumb little jokes.

Hey, Kermit, me and the band
gonna play at the wedding?

What wedding?

Well, I just heard the news

that you and Miss Fatback
was gonna tie the knot

and raise chitlins. Ha-ha-ha.

-Piggy!
-Um... Heh, heh.

Kermie, it's just a joke.

A joke? People think we're really engaged!

[GRUNTING]

Oh. It's so sweet sounding
when you say it.

Well, the engagement is off! Hi-yah!

[CLANGS]

Hey. Hm.

Kermie? Dear? Dear? Sweetheart?

It's not like that. It's like this:

Hi-yah!

[SCREAMS]

Hoo. Ugh.

[IN WEAK VOICE]
On-stage for the next number.

And now for this Muppet News Flash.

Bands of roving cheeses
have been reported at the edge of town,

moving towards city center.

The cheeses are reported to be smelly
and often in the company of crackers.

Uh, most of them
seem to be moving about on foot,

but some cheeses, naturally,
are in wheels.

[YELLS]

[RATS CHITTERING]

NARRATOR: Time once again
for Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

Well, who's the first patient,
Nurse Janice?

Here he is, Dr. Bob.

Aw. Dr. Bob, what a cute little bunny.
I wonder what his name is.

Well, he hasn't said,
"Ehh, tsk tsk tsk, what's up, doc?"

so it isn't you-know-who.

[LAUGHS]

Who, doctor?

It's not Who Doctor, it's Doctor Who,
and that's another show.

Oh, is he related to Dr. Which?

No, it's not "Dr. Which,"
it's "Witch Doctor,"

and that's another ball game.

Oh, then Doctor Who's on first.

-Oh!
-Oh!

All I ask is the bunny's name,
and I get Abbott and Costello.

Look, can we get on with this?
I'm late, I'm late.

-For a very important date?
-Oh!

No, that's another rabbit.

Oh, you're not the White Rabbit?

-No, I'm the wrong rabbit. Oh!
BOB & JANICE: Oh!

JANICE: For sure.
-Good grief, now it's Rabbit and Costello.

Dr. Bob, may I remind you
this is a hospital?

Ooh, I'm glad you did.

The way the jokes were dying,
I thought it was a morgue.

[NURSES GROAN]

Hey, Hurry up, will you?
I gotta get back to the hutch.

-The what?
-Hutch. That's where rabbits live.

I know that. I even know where it is.

It's behind a famous cathedral.

NURSES:
Oh?

You must have heard of it.
The hutch back of Notre-Dame?

[NURSES & RABBIT GROAN]

That rings a bell.

[ALL GROAN]

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Good.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Nurse Janice say:

Oh, Dr. Bob, that was really a long way
to go for that last joke.

You should have packed a lunch.

I did. I ate it behind the cathedral.

NURSES & RABBIT:
Oh?

Yes, I had the lunch back of Notre-Dame.

-Oh! For sure, for sure.
-Did you hear that? The lunch back...

-Hi, Sam.
-Oh! Oh, yes, hello.

-Uh, still censoring the show, Sam?
-Yes, I am.

Have you seen what's happening
in the canteen?

-No.
-I've noted this down.

There are 17 penguins rehearsing
for a tap-dance number.

-Oh, good.
-Good?

That's what they're supposed to do.

That is not decent family entertainment
for the show.

Hey, Sam, why do you do this?

Someone has to do it.

Hmm. But don't you have a home
or something like that?

Oh, yes, I have a family.
I'm married. Mm-hm.

-Really? You have a home?
-Mm-hm.

Yes, well, uh,
my wife and I are separated.

-Oh?
-She, uh, flew the coop.

-You have any, uh, kids?
-We were very close, though, very close.

-Oh, yeah?
-Mm.

-Well, what's her name?
-I forgot.

Oh. Uh, but do you have any kids?

-Yes, I have two wonderful kids.
-Oh, mm-hm.

Who never write to me.

-Uh...
-They're in college now.

Uh-huh. Uh, boys or girls?

Mm-hm, yes.

One boy. One boy, one girl.

-Uh-huh, yeah. The boy's in college?
-Yes.

And what does he study?

I'd rather not talk about it.
He's, uhm studying, uh...

taxidermy.

I see. I, uh, uh...

That's good, though, huh?

-No, it's not.
-Oh. No, that's not very good, no.

You don't know how bad.

Well, how about your daughter?

I'd rather not talk about her either.
She's, uh...

She's living a rather high life there
in college.

She's, uh, dating, uh...

an owl.

[SHUDDERS]

Woo-woo.

-Exactly. Get back to this.
-Hmm.

What about this,
all this indecent family entertainment?

-Oh.
-There's--

Besides the penguins,

-there's dogs singing, and pigs,
-Mm-hm.

and there's a cheese singing "Malagueña."

Oh, the cheese!

I gotta see if the cheese is ready.
Oh, cheese!

You need not worry.

As long as Sam the Eagle is here,

I shall protect you in the name
of decent family entertainment.

Yeah, but how'd you get started
in show business?

Well, Scooter, I started singing
with my brothers, my three brothers,

in Wall Lake, Iowa.

And we called ourselves
the Williams Brothers.

Yeah. Clever. Clever name.

Yeah. And we used to sing in church,

and then, uh,
we started singing on the radio.

Oh, I guess you sang
that old-style music, huh?

-What, like acid rock?
-Yeah, like acid...

Well, this was way before that.
Way, way back.

We used to sing barbershop harmony.

Gee, I wish I'd heard that.

-♪ You've all heard of Virginia ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Virginia ♪

ALL:
♪ That noble Southern state ♪

-♪ Well, very often in Virginia ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Virginia ♪

ALL: ♪ All the Southern folks
Get all dressed up ♪

♪ And celebrate ♪

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ Better get ready, get ready
For the jubilee time ♪

ALL:
♪ It's the jubilee time ♪

♪ Better get ready, get ready
For the jubilee time ♪

ALL:
♪ It's the jubilee, the jubilee ♪

♪ Get out your Bible book
Better get ready to sing ♪

ALL:
♪ It's the jubilee, the jubilee ♪

♪ Get out your Bible book
Better get ready to sing ♪

ALL:
♪ It's the jubilee time ♪

♪ Folks is gonna be talkin' tonight
Folks is gonna be gawkin' tonight ♪

♪ Folks will be cake-walkin' tonight ♪

ALL:
♪ Hola, hola, it's jubilee time ♪

♪ Hola, hola, it's jubilee time
Hola, it's jubilee time ♪

♪ Hola, hola, it's jubilee time
Hola, it's jubilee time ♪

♪ There's gonna be hoopin' it up tonight
Hoop-dee-doin' it up tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rejoice ♪

♪ Hola, hola, it's jubilee time
Hola, it's jubilee time ♪

♪ Hola, hola, it's jubilee time
Hola, it's jubilee time ♪

♪ There's gonna be a jubilee ♪

♪ There's gonna be a jubilee ♪

♪ Hola, hola, it's jubilee time
Hola, hola, jubilee time ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey, uh, what are all you cheeses
doing backstage?

Oh, we wanna try out for your show.
We sing.

-Yeah? What do you sing?
-One, two, three.

CHEESES: ♪ So you met somebody
That knocked you back on your heels ♪

♪ Gouda, Gouda ♪

[CHEESES LAUGH]

Or...

CHEESES:
♪ I got a girl crazy for me ♪

♪ "Cheese" funny that way ♪

[CHEESES LAUGH]

-Wait, wait, listen to this.
-Hm?

CHEESES:
♪ Pardon me, boys, is this the ♪

♪ "Cheddarnooga" Choo Choo? ♪

[CHEESES LAUGHING]

And what do you sing?

Oh, I don't sing. I'm in a TV series.

Uh, what?

The Roquefort Files.

[CHEESES LAUGHING]

Will you guys get out of here?
Out, out, out!

HONEYDEW:
Spoody-doody. Oh, Mr. Booty-Booters.

Booty, booty, booty.

Well, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

here at Muppet Labs,
where the future is being made today.

It's a well-known fact that some people
like doggies and some people like kitties.

[MEOWING]

Up to now,
if you were given the wrong pet,

you had to put up with it.

But our new electronic pet converter
solves that problem.

My assistant, Beaker, is putting
an unwanted kitty into the converter.

-Ah?
-Yes, go.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[CAT YOWLING]

[CAT HISSING]

Oh, that's wonderful, Beaker.

And now I throw the switch...

and out of the other side
comes a cute little puppy dog.

[BARKING]

And if you happen to like kitties
instead of doggies,

the converter works the other way.

Show them, Beaker.

-Bye-bye.
-Bon voyage.

Now you can go get your kitty
on the other side...

[ROARS]

[BEAKER SCREAMING]

Oh, dear!
There seems to be some sort of problem.

[BEAKER SCREAMING]

Whoa, whoa. Unh!

The important thing to remember is that
anything that passes through this door

is turned into a puppy dog.

Whoa!

[GASPS]

[BARKING]

[BEAKER SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

[TIGER ROARS THEN BEAKER SCREAMS]

That's all for now from Muppet Labs.

Um, sit. Sit.

It's really neat to be sitting here
to do a medley with Andy Williams.

-Just like you used to do on your show.
-Well, thank you, Kermit.

Uh, listen, by the way,
may I ask you a question?

Why, sure, what?

How do you do it?

Do what?
You mean sit on a stool like this?

Why, uh, any frog can do that.

Well, I knew that toads could, but, uh...

Toads? What do you mean, toads?

Well, surely you've heard of toadstools.

[CHORTLING]

You're still mad at me, aren't you?

Well, you did do "Love Story"
instead of "Moon River."

Well, that was Miss Piggy.
I mean, she told me you were engaged.

Yeah, well, it was very embarrassing.

Well...

would it make you feel any better
if you embarrassed me?

-Oh, well... No, no...
-Well, go ahead. Go ahead.

-Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
-I can take it.

Okay. Uh, let's see. Uh...

Uh, I don't like your coat.

Good. Does that make you feel better?

Yeah. Yeah, now let's do the medley, huh?

-Okay.
-Mm-hm.

What don't you like about my coat?

[STAMMERS]

-Nothing. I was just saying that.
-Tell me.

Is it the sleeves or the lapels
or the shoulders or what?

No, no, no. I-- Just forget that, huh?

You're right.

I mean, what would you know
about clothes anyway?

All you wear is that stupid collar.

[WHIMPERING]

It's a wonder you haven't been arrested.

Okay, that does it. Start the music.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

I'm only kidding, Kermit.
I love your collar.

Oh. Well, actually, I like your coat too.

Well, thanks.

Except for the buttons.

The buttons. I knew it was the buttons.
I knew it.

BOTH:
♪ Two of a kind ♪

♪ For your information
We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Two of a kind ♪

♪ It's my observation
We're two of a kind ♪

-♪ Frogs in a pond ♪
-♪ And birds of a feather ♪

BOTH:
♪ Alone or together, you'll find ♪

♪ That we are two of a kind ♪

♪ I like the swamp in June ♪

♪ How about you? ♪

♪ I like a Gershwin tune ♪

♪ How about you? ♪

♪ I love a lily pad when a storm is due ♪

-♪ I like potato chips ♪
-♪ Mudflats and skinny-dips ♪

BOTH:
♪ How about you? ♪

♪ I don't believe in
Frettin' or grievin' ♪

♪ Why mess around with strife? ♪

♪ I never was cut out
To step and strut out ♪

♪ Give me the simple life ♪

♪ Some find it pleasant
Dining on pheasant ♪

♪ Those things roll off my Kn*fe ♪

♪ I dine on mosquito
Flies are a treat ♪

♪ Oh, give me the simple life ♪

♪ I love a piano ♪

BOTH:
♪ I love a piano ♪

♪ I love to hear somebody play ♪

♪ Upon a piano, a grand piano ♪

♪ It simply carries me away ♪

♪ So you ca keep your fiddle
And your bow ♪

-♪ Give me a P-I-A-N-O ♪
-♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I love to stop right
Beside an upright ♪

♪ Or a high-toned baby grand ♪

BOTH:
♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ There's just no denyin'
We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Two of a kind ♪

♪ Without even tryin'
We're two of a kind ♪

-♪ Makin' it plain ♪
-♪ Explainin' it fully ♪

BOTH:
♪ We're similar-lar-ly inclined ♪

♪ Because we're two of a kind ♪

Uh, except, of course, that I'm a frog.

BOTH:
♪ Two ♪

♪ Two of kind ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, that is approximately sort of
what you might call the end of the show.

But before we go, let us say thank you
to our wonderful guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Williams!

[CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Kermit, I had a great time.
-Oh, good.

And I loved the Muppet cheese.

Uh, yeah.
Well, listen, if you liked the cheese,

did you get to meet the rats?

Well, rats can be fun,
but cheese can be "fundue."

[CHEESES LAUGHING]

That's our kind of humor, eh?

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

-I'm gonna see my lawyer.
-Why?

I'm gonna find out if you can sue a show
for breach of taste.