04x21 - Doug Henning

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Oh, Doug? Doug Henning?
Thirty seconds to curtain, Doug.

I'm rehearsing, Scooter.
Come on over and watch.

Oh, great. I love magic.

Wonderful, because this is
a very beautiful illusion

with my bare hands

and four very beautiful seashells.

Some sleight of hand. The poetry of magic.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

-You like it?
-Wow.

Your magic feats are amazing.

Well, I thank you,
and my magic feets thank you.

-Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
-Thank you.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Doug Henning.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Oh, please, don't make us watch it again!

[LAUGHS]

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

Goodbye!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you.
Hi-ho, and welcome to The Muppet Show.

And, folks, are you going to be amazed
and astounded tonight,

because our very special guest star
is that master magician Mr. Doug Henning.

[AUDIENCE "OOHS"]

Right. But first... but first,

"for this very special evening,
we have a very special lady.

Uh, it is my pleasure to appear
with our own adorable Miss Piggy,

the gifted and glamorous,

KERMIT & PIGGY:
beguiling, sensuous, and sensational star

of The Muppet Show."

Good.

"So welcome, if you will,
the most beautiful pig in the world."

She wrote that.

PIGGY:
Don't tell them!

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING SCHMALTZY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ You sigh, the song begins
You speak and I hear violins ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ The stars desert the skies
And rush to nestle in your eyes ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Without a golden wand ♪

♪ Or mystic charms ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ Fantastic things begin ♪

♪ When you are in my arms ♪

♪ When we walk hand in hand
The world becomes a wonderland ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ How else can I explain
Those rainbows when there is no rain? ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Why do I tell myself ♪

♪ These things that happen
Are all really true ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ When in my heart I know ♪

♪ The magic is my love for you? ♪

Where'd he go?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Know the trick I'd like the frog to do?

-What's that?
-Make us disappear.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay, Robin. A-ha, here we go.

Nothing here. Nothing here.
And nothing here.

Ah!

All right, now I'm going to pull a rabbit
out of this hat.

One, two, three, presto.

Shalom.

Fozzie, that's not a rabbit.
That's a rabbi.

You were expecting the Pope, maybe?

Sir, get down, please. Get down, sir.

We'll try it again, okay?
A rabbit out of a hat.

One, two, three, presto.

[IN MONOTONE]
Meep-meep-meep.

Fozzie, that's not a rabbit.
That's a robot.

You were expecting R2D2, maybe?

-Get down. Get down.
-Meep-meep-meep.

Uh, excuse me, Robin.

-Hey! Hey! Where's the rabbit?
MALE VOICE: He's asleep.

FOZZIE:
Uh, well, wake him up. This is bigtime.

All right. A rabbit out of a hat.

One, two, three, presto.

[RABBIT WHOOPS]

Hey. Hey, I did it.

You shouldn't have tapped the hat so hard.

Why not?

-See what I mean?
RABBITS: Whee!

No, stop!

[RABBITS WHOOPING]

FOZZIE:
Aah! Security!

Hey, everybody!

-Can't you stop, guys? Can't you stop?
-Geronimo!

[RABBITS CONTINUE WHOOPING]

Hey, hey. Come on.
Isn't there any way to stop this?

There is, but they don't teach us that
in rabbit school.

[FOZZIE YELLS]

-Kermit!
-Dad!

RABBITS:
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Ladies and gentlemen,
when Miss Piggy and I sang--

[FOZZIE YELLING]

RABBITS:
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Um, when Miss Piggy and I sang
"It's Magic" a few minutes ago,

we used a whole lot
of electronic trickery.

You will see none of that
in the next minutes,

because here is the real magic
of Mr. Doug Henning. Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Did you ever see anything
put together worse than that?

Yeah, my first wife.

Okay. Now, here is a terrific trick.

Notice the egg and the handkerchief.

And now I say hocus-pocus.

Egg is gone!

Ha, ha, huh?

-Thank you. Thank you.
-Wow.

You made the egg disappear.
Now, that's what I call real magic.

It's under his hat.

-It's where?
-Under his hat.

-Take off your hat.
-Take off the hat.

Take off the hat.

[RABBITS LAUGHING]

It was under his hat.
It was only a trick. Tsk.

Aw.

Would you guys stop blowing my act,
please?

RABBITS [IN UNISON]:
Aw, we're sorry, Daddy.

And I am not your daddy.
I'm a bear, not a rabbit.

Doug?

Oh. He's not here.

Huh. Maybe he made himself disappear.

Wow, look at the magic stuff.

Oh.

I wonder if there's any magic in here.

[BOX PLAYING DELICATE MUSIC]

♪ Leave me some magic ♪

♪ To get me through the day ♪

♪ Wonders that cast a spell
I can't disobey ♪

♪ If it's all an illusion ♪

♪ I'm filled with confusion ♪

♪ So leave me some magic ♪

♪ Don't take the magic away ♪

♪ Leave me some magic ♪

♪ As much as you can spare ♪

♪ And if people laugh at me ♪

♪ I guess I don't care ♪

♪ To believe sets me free more ♪

♪ Isn't that what I'm here for? ♪

♪ So leave me some magic ♪

♪ Don't take the magic away ♪

♪ Please don't take the magic ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

NARRATOR: Time once again
for Veterinarian's Hospital...

Shoo, shoo, shoo.

...the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

We've gotta get down to business.

I'm running out of patience.

That's what you think, Dr. Bob.

Holy guacamole. What have we here?

[RABBITS YELPING]

NARRATOR:
And so we come to the end of the beginning

of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:

-This has been a hare-raising experience.
-Oh, for sure.

Ah, come on. Leave me alone.

Oh, hi. Could I have your rabbits?

Hey, be my guest. Ha, ha!

Hey, bunnies. Gather round.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ On the farm, every Friday ♪

♪ On the farm, it's rabbit-pie day ♪

♪ So every Friday
That ever comes along ♪

♪ I get up early
And sing this little song ♪

♪ Oh, run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run ♪

[FOZZIE YELPS]

♪ Goes the farmer's g*n ♪

♪ Hey, run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run! ♪

♪ Hey, run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run, hey ♪

♪ Don't give the farmer
His fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ He'll get by ♪

[g*nshots]

♪ Without his rabbit pie ♪

♪ So run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run! ♪

A-ha!

-Oh, don't. They're good little rabbits.
-Yeah.

-They'll be better with mushroom gravy.
FOZZIE: Here we go again.

[g*nshots]

♪ Run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run! ♪

♪ Run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run! ♪

♪ Goes the farmer's g*n ♪

♪ Run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run, run! ♪

[g*nf*re]

♪ Run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run! ♪

♪ Don't give the farmer
His fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ He'll get by
Without his rabbit pie ♪

♪ So run, rabbit, run, rabbit
Run, run, run! ♪

[RABBITS SCREAMING]

FOZZIE:
Run!

Save yourself, rabbit!

[FOZZIE YELLING]

Oh, help!

Come on! Get out of here!

Maybe I'll just settle for roast bear.

[YELLS]

Bear!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Yipe!
-Robin!

-Oh.
-What are you doing there?

I'm just shaking and screaming.

-What would you do?
-I'm really sorry.

-Oh, that's okay.
-Listen, Robin.

I have some magic
that will make you feel better.

-Hmm. I doubt it.
-You do?

Yeah. Fozzie's been doing
some magic tricks for me,

and they're really dumb.

Well, Fozzie hasn't really practiced
and studied the art of magic.

But, you know, Robin, there is real magic
inside of each one of us.

It's a magic that we all have
that allows us to fulfill our dreams

and turn them into reality.

And all you have to do, Robin,
is believe in your own magic,

and then nothing is impossible.

-Really?
-Yeah, it's true. Look.

I'm gonna show you some magic now
that's just like you.

You mean it's green?

No, it's small.

Wow.

-Your turn.
-Um...

Um...

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Whoo.

ROBIN:
Wow.

[ROBIN CHUCKLES]

Whoop.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING DRAMATIC JAZZ MUSIC]

ALL: ♪ Oh, there's a change in the weather
There's a change in the sea ♪

♪ So from now on there'll be
A change in me ♪

♪ My walk will be different ♪

-♪ My talk ♪
-♪ And my name ♪

ALL:
♪ Nothing about me is gonna be the same ♪

♪ I'm gonna change my way of living
And if that ain't enough ♪

♪ Then I'll change the way
That I strut my stuff ♪

ALL: ♪ 'Cause nobody wants you
When you're old and gray ♪

♪ There'll be some changes made today ♪

[WAILING]

I think she needs changing.

ALL:
♪ There'll be some changes made ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, nice number, ladies. Nice number.

SINGERS:
Thank you.

Uh, incidentally,
do you have a name for your act?

-Well...
-We were gonna...

-Call ourselves...
-The Switcheroos...

-But we keep...
-Changing...

-Our...
-Minds.

Yeah. Well, uh, listen, give me a call
if you find out who you are.

Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
Would you please introduce my act next?

-Mm-hm.
-Will you bunnies leave me alone, please?

-Say, he's...
-Kind of nervous...

Isn't he?

Yeah, well, give him a break.
He's been dodging rabbits all day.

RABBITS:
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

And now we present,

despite heartrending appeals
from the Magicians' Union,

that maladroit master
of m*nled mystification, Fozzie Bear!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

A-ha!

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

All right, now I will perform
the famous Indian rope trick.

But I must have absolute silence
for this to work.

[ALL SNICKERING]

[PLAYING EXOTIC MUSIC]

Hey, who's that kid up there?

What's he doing?

Well, he's hauling on some kind of rope.

Hey! Be careful!

Would--? Come on.
Would you guys please stop it?

Oh!

[CHICK CHIRPS]

I don't know what happened.
It used to be an egg.

Come on, guys.
Would you leave me alone, please?

SCOOTER: Whoa!
-Aah!

Wow. Lucky I landed on something soft.

Due to technical difficulties,
the Indian rope trick has been canceled.

Okay, and now it's time for real magic...

It's time for real magic.
Once again, our very special guest,

performing his most famous illusion,
Mr. Doug Henning! Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I need a volunteer to examine this trunk.

[BAND PLAYING DRAMATIC JAZZ MUSIC]

Come on over. Come on over here.

Come on in here.

There. Now clip that on.

There we go. That's right.

Hold on to the sack. Way up high.

There we go. Good.

Come on. Get inside. Like this.
Here we go.

You'll get the keys.
Hold out your hand. There we go.

Now don't blink your eyes
or you'll miss metamorphosis!

One, two!

[CLUCKING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, we've seen a lot
of fantastic magic tonight,

but before we make
our final disappearing act,

let us bring back
the incredible Mr. Doug Henning! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Thank you.
-Yeah!

Thank you.

-I've just had a wonderful time tonight.
-Oh, good.

Hey, let's bring out your own magician,
the incredible Fozzie Bear!

Thank you. Thank you, Doug.

[RABBITS CHATTERING]

Uh, hey, Doug,
I'm really sorry about all this.

Oh, that's okay. I love rabbits too.

Ahh! You love rabbit stew?

-No--
-No, he didn't say that. No!

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

You said "also."
You meant "also," didn't you?

I said "rabbits too." That's what I meant.

They're very sensitive.

Fellas, I'm...

Also. Also.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

[STAMMERING]

That's all, folks.