04x23 - Carol Channing

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Oh, Diana. Diana Ross.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Diana.

Thank you, Scooter. Thank you.

Scooter, by the way, who put this thing
in my dressing room?

Oh, I did. Because Kermit told me
wherever you go, you have a big fan club.

Mother said there'd be shows like this.

It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Diana Ross!

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

[RATTLING]

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[SNAKE RATTLING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show,

and our special guest star tonight
is Miss Diana Ross.

[CROWD GASPS]

Yes. This is going to be a fantastic show.

It better be.
Because tonight, we're keeping score.

Yes, and on a scale of one to 10,
here's your score so far.

Two?

Come on, forget about keeping score.

You're gonna love this opening number.
Let's go to Rio! Yeah!

[PLAYING UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]

♪ When my baby
When my baby smiles at me, I go to Rio ♪

♪ De Janeiro ♪

♪ Me-oh-my-oh ♪

♪ I go wild and then
I have to do the Samba ♪

♪ And La Bamba ♪

♪ Now I'm not the kind of person ♪

♪ With the passion of persuasion
For dancin' ♪

♪ Or romancin' ♪

♪ But I give in to the rhythm ♪

♪ And my feet follow the b*ating
Of my heart ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh, when my baby ♪

♪ When my baby smiles at me, I go to Rio ♪

♪ De Janeiro ♪

♪ I'm a Salsa fellow ♪

♪ When my baby smiles at me
The sunlight lightens up my life ♪

♪ And I am free at last, what a blast ♪

[SHOUTING AND CHEERING]

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh, when my baby ♪

♪ When my baby smiles at me, I go to Rio ♪

♪ De Janeiro ♪

♪ I'm a Salsa fellow ♪

♪ When my baby smiles at me
The sunlight lightens up my life ♪

♪ And I am free at last ♪

♪ Rio ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, wasn't that terrific?

Well, on a scale of one to 10,
we give it a, uh, three.

[AUDIENCE JEERING]

What?

Well, maybe it wasn't that good.
Let's give it a one.

[JEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Can you believe that?

It's rough out there.

It's a very strange audience.
I'm sorry about that.

We had to go through a lot of work
for that number.

Yeah. I even bought a tuxedo.

That's a tuxedo?

Yeah. I'm really a flamingo.

-Hey, Kermit. Kermit, listen.
-Yeah?

-I know what that audience wants.
-Yeah? What?

Comedy.

Watch the master.

Hiya, hiya, hiya.

[AUDIENCE BOOING AND JEERING]

Bye-ah, bye-ah, bye-ah.

You gave him a one?

He's never been better.

Can you guys quiet down?

Because right now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for
one of my favorite singing stars,

and the world seems to agree with me,
ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross!

Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING "LOVE HANGOVER"]

♪ If there's a cure for this
I don't want it ♪

♪ Don't want it ♪

♪ If there's a remedy
I'll run from it ♪

♪ From it ♪

♪ I think about it all the time ♪

♪ Never let it out of my mind ♪

♪ 'Cause I love you ♪

♪ I've got the sweetest hangover ♪

♪ I don't wanna get over ♪

♪ Sweetest hangover ♪

♪ Yeah, I don't wanna get over ♪

♪ I don't wanna get ♪

♪ I don't wanna get over ♪

♪ Ooh, I don't want a cure ♪

♪ I don't want no cure ♪

♪ I don't want a cure ♪

♪ Sweet love hangover ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet love
Sweet, sweet love hangover ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet love ♪

♪ Sweet love, I love you ♪

♪ Mean love, bad love ♪

♪ Hangover ♪

♪ I don't want no cure ♪

♪ I don't need no cure ♪

♪ I don't want no cure ♪

♪ If there's a cure for this ♪

♪ I don't want it, I don't want it
No, no, no ♪

♪ If there's a cure for this ♪

♪ I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it, no, no ♪

♪ I don't want it
If there's a cure for this ♪

♪ I don't want it, don't need it ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet love ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BOTH CHEERING]

Oh, wow. Wasn't that great?

Keep it up, frog.

We're not doing so bad after all?

I wouldn't say that.

Right now the score is, Diana Ross, 10.
Muppets, three.

-Great.
-Oh, boy. Diana, Diana.

You were terrific.

Oh, thank you, Fozz.

What a terrific audience
that is out there.

And I wanna thank you
for warming them up for me.

They're so terrific, they're the best.
When they love you, they don't hold back.

When they hate you,
they don't hold back either.

Uh, Gills Brothers, you're on next.

Good luck, boys.

Break a fin.

Okay, and now, ladies and gentlemen,
we present the fabulous Gills Brothers!

Yeah!

♪ Go tell Aunt Chovy ♪

♪ Go tell Aunt Chovy ♪

♪ Outside the goby ♪

♪ The old sardine is dead ♪

[BOOING AND JEERING]

♪ Out with a sturgeon ♪

♪ Saw her submerging there ♪

♪ Singing her dirge in ♪

♪ The Blue Point Oyster Bar ♪

[BOOING CONTINUES]

♪ Go tell Aunt Chovy ♪

♪ Go tell Aunt Chovy ♪

♪ Outside the goby ♪

♪ The old sardine ♪

♪ Is dead ♪

[AUDIENCE BOOING AND JEERING]

Oh. I can't watch.

[GROANS]

How's it going?

Oh, it's not going good, Scooter.

Oh, I'll say.

Pretty rough out there, huh?

Oh, they were laying for us.

Why do you say that?

One guy brought a bottle of tartar sauce.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-Yeah?
-Uh, excuse me, Diana.

-Yes?
-Uh, you got a second?

Yes, Kermit, of course.
Kermit, first I wanna tell you.

That audience is so great out there.
I really do love doing this show.

-It's the best.
-Uh, yeah.

Yeah. Well, they certainly love you a lot.
It's just, uh...

Well, it's just us that they hate.

Oh, no, Kermit.
Kermit, you have to win them over.

Maybe you have to, um,
send in one of your surefire acts,

like Vet's Hospital. That'll work.

-Vet's Hospital?
-Yeah.

That's a good idea. Vet's Hospital.

That's where Dr. Bob and Nurse Piggy
and Nurse Janice run out there

and they tell those awful, awful jokes.

And then they laugh a lot and boo and...

Well, what about, um, Swedish Chef?

-Swedish Chef. Yes! Swedish Chef!
-Yes.

A hilarious cooking lesson. Yes!

With somebody that you can't understand
making this food that you can't eat...

-Let's see.
-Yeah.

Hmm, not so good, huh?

Well, let's see. Uh...

What else you got?

Um, Pigs in Space?

-Pigs in Space.
-Yeah?

-Pigs in Space. I love Pigs in Space.
-You love Pigs in Space?

Oh, good. That's it!
We'll do Pigs in Space! Yeah!

Pigs in Space? I hate Pigs in Space.

What am I doing on this crummy show?

NARRATOR [ECHOING]:
And now, Pigs in Space!

When last we left the Swinetrek,
that scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork,

was trying to fix
Captain Hogthrob's lighter.

Careful, that's a solid gold,
disposable lighter.

Don't worry.
I'm an expert at these kind of things.

Hmm. Maybe First Mate Piggy could help.

Uh, Captain Hogthrob?
Captain Hogthrob, I--

[AIR HISSING]

What? Just one moment here.

What? I refuse to go on
with such an unruly audience.

What? This is--

I have never been so humiliated
in all my theatrical career.

I quit!

Oh. Touchy, touchy.

Yeah. And that wasn't the audience.

Your gas lighter sprung a leak.

[STRANGEPORK LAUGHS]

-Oh, I dropped it.
-Oh, I'll get it.

It dropped over here
by the t*nk of nitroglycerin.

STRANGEPORK: You got a flashlight?
It's dark under there.

LINK:
I'll just strike a match.

A match?

[LINK YELLS]

NARRATOR:
Is this the end of Pigs in Space?

AUDIENCE:
Yeah!

NARRATOR:
Well, tune in again next time for--

AUDIENCE:
No!

NARRATOR:
All right, then don't. See if I care.

Me-me-me-me-me-me-me, me-me.

[PLAYING BLUES MUSIC]

♪ Me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me, me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me, me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me ♪

♪ Me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me, me-me, me-me-me-me
Me-me-me-me ♪

♪ Me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me-me-me-me ♪

[AUDIENCE JEERING]

Me-me-me, me-me-me?

♪ Me-me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me ♪

♪ Me-me ♪

Me-me-me-me-me-me!

[BOOING AND JEERING]

Quiet!

[AUDIENCE GOES SILENT]

Thank you.

♪ Me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me, me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me-me, me-me-me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me ♪

♪ Me-me ♪

[SHOUTING TO MELODY]

♪ Me-me-me-me, me-me ♪

♪ Me-me-me-me-me ♪

[AUDIENCE BOOING AND JEERING]

[MUMBLING]

[PLAYING "LAST TIME I SAW HIM"]

Let's see now, yeah.

♪ Last time I saw her
She sweetly kissed my lips ♪

♪ It happened to-- ♪

Oh, hi, Diana.

Hi, Floyd. I heard you playing upstairs.

Did you sound good.

-Oh, just messing around.
-Oh, I like it.

-Can I sing along with you?
-Oh, would you?

Thank you.

♪ Last time I saw him ♪

♪ He sweetly kissed my lips ♪

♪ Last time I saw him
He said, "I'll be back for more of this" ♪

Hi.

♪ Last time I saw him
We were crying at the bus ♪

♪ I knew he hated leaving
But he had to set us up ♪

♪ I gave him money ♪

♪ You know, I know I invested well ♪

♪ My mama doesn't trust him
But he loves me, I can tell ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ And each day the Greyhound ♪

♪ Arrives at nine o' clock ♪

♪ But I don't start my crying
'Til that last man's gotten off ♪

Uh, excuse me.

♪ Last time I-- ♪

Hi, Kermit. What's the matter?
You look funny.

Uh, it's just the audience out there.
You see, nothing is working

except, uh, well, things like you.

Oh, things like me?

Well, do you think we can
go out there and sing this song?

We're just messing around,
rehearsing a little.

That would be wonderful. Just one second.

Okay. Let's go. Come on, guys.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Let's help out a little.

[LAUGHS]

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Diana Ross! Yeah!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

♪ I had no letter
It's been six months, maybe better ♪

♪ And I try forgetting him
But I love him more than ever ♪

♪ I have decided
I've waited long enough ♪

♪ If there was nothing wrong
He would return right on that bus ♪

♪ There must be trouble
So I'm leavin' on the double ♪

♪ If he can't get to me
I know he needs me desperately ♪

-♪ Whoo! ♪
-♪ Last time I saw him ♪

♪ Last time I saw my honey ♪

♪ Last time I saw him
He was looking fine ♪

♪ And as he waved goodbye
He said don't cry ♪

♪ I'm coming back, come rain or shine ♪

♪ Last time I saw him ♪

♪ Last time I saw my honey ♪

♪ Last time I saw him
He was looking fine ♪

♪ And as he waved goodbye
He said don't cry, honey ♪

♪ I'm coming back, rain or shine ♪

♪ La-de-da, la-da-do
La-da-da, da-da-da ♪

♪ Last time I saw him
He was looking fine ♪

♪ And as he waved goodbye
He said don't cry, honey ♪

♪ I'm coming back, rain or shine ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Boom.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Okay. Wow, that's another 10
for Diana Ross.

Okay, now, who'd like to go out there
and follow that?

[SCREAMS]

There must be somebody stupid enough
to go out there and face that audience.

[LAUGHS]

I'll do it, Kermit.

I've got the ultimate act,
but I'm going to need a typewriter for it.

Uh, well, Gonzo,
we don't have a typewriter.

Then I'll use a cow.

Hoo. What is this act of yours?

I can sum it up in one word.

"Indescribable."

Okay. Why not?

Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm sure you're going to love

Gonzo the Great! Yeah!

[COW MOOING]

[AUDIENCE BOOING AND JEERING]

Ladies and gentle--

[BOOING CONTINUES]

GONZO:
I haven't even started yet!

Oh! Gonzo, are you okay?

[GONZO GROANS]

Oh, sure. Just a couple of tomato burns
and cabbage cuts.

[GROANS]

It's getting worse out there.

I better get Diana back on-stage
and restore order.

[STAMMERING]

Okay, folks. You win.
Here's-- Uh, is she ready?

Uh, here she is, Miss Diana Ross! Yeah!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Thank you. Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Before I sing my next song,

I would like to bring a friend of mine
back on the stage.

And I really do think
he deserves another chance.

-Who's she talking about?
-I don't know.

Here he is, that furry, funny man,
Fozzie Bear!

-[AUDIENCE BOOING]
-I-- No. No, I can't--

-Come on, Fozzie.
-No, Scooter, I can't-- Oh!

Hi! Fozzie!

-Oh, guys, come on.
-They just don't think I'm funny.

I think you're very funny. Come on.

-But they don't like me.
-Look, I think you're very funny.

Tell them the joke that you told me in the
dressing room right before we came on.

-That's a terrible joke.
-That's the best joke I've ever heard.

-I can't do that joke.
-Oh, come on.

It's a good one. Give it a try.

-Okay, stick close.
-Okay.

Um...

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Hiya, hiya, hiya.

Hey, have you heard about
the new soft drink they're making ju--

I can't do this joke.

-Come on.
-No. No, no.

-Diana, it's a rough crowd.
-Okay. I'll do it.

You?

Trust me.

Hiya, hiya, hiya.
Have you heard about the new soft drink

-they're making just for frogs?
-Uh, no.

Tell me about the new soft drink
they're making just for frogs.

It's called...

Croaka-Cola.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Isn't that the best?

I'm a hit.

How did you do that?

Fozzie, see, it's very simple.

You see, I think that telling comedy,
you know, doing comedy jokes

-is just like singing.
-Really?

You have to let the audience know
that you're reaching out to them

and in return,
they reach right back to you.

Just like this.

♪ Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand ♪

Yeah.

♪ Make this world a better place ♪

♪ If you can ♪

♪ Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand ♪

♪ And make this world a better place ♪

♪ If you can ♪

Wow. I see now.

♪ Take a little time
Out of your busy day ♪

♪ To give encouragement ♪

♪ To someone who's lost their way ♪

♪ Or would I be talking to a stone ♪

♪ If I asked you ♪

♪ To share a problem that's not your own ♪

♪ We can change things
If we start giving ♪

♪ Why don't you ♪

♪ Reach out and touch ♪

♪ Somebody's hand ♪

Yeah!

♪ My, my, yes ♪

Yeah!

Yes!

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪

I get it now.

♪ Yes, yes ♪

Come on, everybody.
Join in and sing with me. Kermit.

-Hey! Come on, come on.
-Miss Piggy. Come on in and sing.

Oh, hi, you.

♪ Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand ♪

♪ And make this world a better place ♪

♪ If you can ♪

♪ Why don't you? ♪

♪ Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand ♪

♪ Make this world a better place ♪

Scooter.

♪ If you can ♪

♪ Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand ♪

♪ Make this world a better place ♪

Everybody, join in in the audience.
Will you sing and join hands?

♪ Reach out and touch ♪

♪ Somebody's hand ♪

♪ Make this world a better place ♪

♪ If you can ♪

♪ Reach out and touch ♪

-♪ Somebody's hand ♪
-♪ Reach out and touch somebody's hand ♪

Thank you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[ALL HUMMING]

Well, it's been a very special show,
and, uh, you've been a special audience.

But before we go, let us say thank you
to a wonderful guest star,

ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross!

[ALL CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Kermit. I loved being here.
Thank you very much.

I just loved your Croaka-Cola joke.

-Oh, good.
-Yeah, yeah. Of course I got a better one.

-Yeah. Great. Okay, here we go.
-Okay.

Have you heard about the new soft drink
made out of acorns?

No. Tell me about the new soft drink
made out of acorns.

It's called Oaka-Cola.

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

Fozzie, even I can't protect you
from that one.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

Bye!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

[BOTH SNORING]