05x01 - Gene Kelly

[bunniefuu]

Oh, whoopee!

[LAUGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello.

Ah. Who are you?

I'm Carol Burnett. I'm supposed
to be doing The Muppet Show tonight.

-Ahem.
-Hey, Carol Burnett. Boy, are you in luck.

Oh. Why, has the show been canceled?

No, we're having a dance marathon tonight.

See? I got my number and everything.

A dance marathon. My, what a fresh idea.

It's after the show, I suppose, huh?

-No. During.
-Oh.

"During"? You mean, while I'm supposed
to be doing my sketches and my songs,

there's gonna be
a dance marathon going on?

Well, yeah, but don't worry.
You won't bother us.

Why did I know you were going to say that?

Terrific. Another contestant.
What number would you like?

My agent's. I don't believe this.

It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Carol Burnett!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[SIREN WAILS]

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

Now first, the good news:

Our guest star tonight is probably
America's greatest comedienne,

Miss Carol Burnett.

CROWD: Oh.
-Yes. And now the bad news:

I let Gonzo talk me
into doing a dance marathon.

Yowza, yowza, yowza!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hit it, boys.

Round and round the couples go.
Until they drop, and that's the show.

[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

Hey, hey, you know what sea monsters eat?

I give up.

Fish and ships.

Why do we keep dancing around in circles?

Because, me wooden leg
be screwed to the floor.

I've put my golfing shoes on by mistake
and my feet are k*lling me.

Oh? Why?

I've put them on inside out.

This is just like our regular
At the Dance spot.

Yes, but it goes on forever. Ha-ha.

Yowza, yowza.

Say, Statler, what's the first prize?

Three weeks away from The Muppet Show.

-Kermit. Kermit.
-Yes, Carol?

Could I talk to you for a minute?

-Sure. What?
-I'm a little--

Why aren't you dancing?

Well, I-- Why aren't you dancing?

Uh, well, I don't have a partner.

Ah. Well, I don't have a partner.

Well, that's okay.

Well, good, then you'll excuse me
from dancing.

No, I'll find you a partner.

Kermit, I really don't want
to hurt your feelings.

Don't misunderstand me, but this is one
of the three worst shows I've ever seen.

What were the other two?

There are no other two.
I was just being kind.

Here's your partner.

[ANIMAL YELLS, CAROL SCREAMS]

What is it?

Uh, well, that's Animal.

Well, I knew
it wasn't vegetable or mineral.

Can you give me any other clues?

Animal is your partner.

Partner!

Oh, no, now look, look, I am not dancing.

[ANIMAL YELLING]

I'm dancing. I'm dancing.

Nice Animal. Nice. Nice.

Nice! Dance!

Dance, dance, dance.

Couldn't you have found her
another partner?

Well, everybody else is taken care of.
Except you.

Uh, listen, I never really learned
how to dance.

Oh, relax. I'll lead.

What?

You look lovely tonight.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen--

[SIREN WAILS]

Oh, it's a rest period.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, uh, good timing back there.

Stand by, Carol,
everything's gonna be okay.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
our very special guest star,

not only a brilliant comedienne,

but also a great actress and singer,
Miss Carol Burnett!

Yay!

♪ Cold ♪

♪ No, I can't believe your heart is cold ♪

♪ Maybe slow to warm ♪

♪ From a long and lonely night ♪

♪ Let someone start believing in you ♪

♪ Let him hold out his hand ♪

♪ Let him touch you ♪

♪ And watch what happens ♪

♪ One someone ♪

♪ Who can look in your eyes ♪

♪ And see into your heart ♪

♪ Let him find you ♪

♪ And watch what happens ♪

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Everybody, polka!

♪ Cold ♪

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ No, I can't believe your heart is-- ♪

Wait a minute.
This is not the right tempo.

This is a ballad thing
where I'm supposed to pour my heart out.

This really isn't...

♪ Let someone start believing in you ♪

♪ Give that deep love to you ♪

♪ And what magic you'll see ♪

♪ Let someone give his heart ♪

♪ Someone who cares like... ♪

Will you stop it?!

Just knock it off, you turkeys!

Now, hear me and hear me good.

If you think I have come here
to be made a fool of

by you nitwits,

you have cobwebs
in the windmills of your mind.

Now just shut up.

♪ Let someone give his heart ♪

♪ Someone who cares like... ♪

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hey! Cancan!

[CANCAN MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Me ♪

Partner! Partner! Partner!

Dance! Dance! Dance!

Kermit?

Kermit!

Cancan!

Kick! Kick! Kick! Kick!

BURNETT:
Kermit!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Change tempo. Let's do the twist!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Kermie! You don't have a dancing partner,
and neither do I.

No, no, no, forget it, Piggy,
I will not dance with you.

Of course he won't.

He's my partner.

Uh, Piggy, let's dance.

Okay, frog, let's talk.

Now, now, Carol, I realize that
that first number was a little shaky.

Shaky? Shaky?!

You call that number shaky?!

[KERMIT YELLING]

Aah! I'm sorry, Kermit, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.

It's just that I'm so upset. That's all.

After all, you promised me a variety show.

Where's all the songs?
Where are all the dances?

Where's your partner?

-Ah! Partner! Partner!
-Oh, no!

Carol!

Kermit, what are you gonna do about this?

Don't worry, Carol,
the rest of the show will be great.

Gonzo, quick, what's on-stage now?

What else? Dancing!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

I, uh, don't suppose there are any more
at home like you, huh?

[ANIMAL GRUNTING]

You know the first thing we should do
if we win this dance marathon?

No, what?

Stop dancing, dummy.

Well, nice quiet fox-trot.
What else could happen?

-Two, three, dip! Aah!
-Aah!

[CRASHING]

Link, what time is it?

It's about, uh...

Uh... Could somebody
clean up the floor out here?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]

Wonder who the old bat with the mop is?

[ANIMAL YELLING]

You really are an animal.

Yowza, yowza, yowza!

Aren't these contestants
putting on a great show?

Come on, come on, put on a great show.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

That's it, that's it.

We're six grueling minutes
into this marathon

and still these contestants
can really tear things up.

But how long can it last?

The bone-deadening fatigue
will soon start to take its toll.

Soon, every step
will bring terrible agony.

The muscles rebel. The mind goes numb.

The hideous t*rture of never-ending pain
and torment will bri-- Aah!

Ladies and gentlemen, our first dropouts.

Give these kids a hand.

Uh, Scooter, get those dancers off-stage.

Beauregard, get that scenery on-stage.
Come on now, move it.

What's that scenery?

I promised Carol a variety show.
She's gonna get one.

That's Pigs in Space.

But what about the dance marathon?

Don't worry.

Yeah, we worked out a compromise.

NARRATOR [ECHOING]:
And now, Pigs in Space!

In our last episode,

the crew of the Swinetrek
had captured a weird alien creature.

[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Link, Strangepork,
will you two quit fooling around

and help me communicate
with this weird alien creature?

Well, why don't you dance with him?
Dance is the universal language.

Oh, thanks a lot, Strangepork--

[ALIEN GROWLS, PIGGY SCREAMING]

I think she's beginning
to communicate with the alien.

Help!

What's he saying?

Mm. Hungry!

Wait, wait! Aah!

[PIGGY SCREAMING]

Well, look on the bright side.
She'll probably be happier in there.

I know we'll be happier out here.

Miss Piggy, you'll be disqualified
for not dancing.

Aw, come off it, Gonzo.

There are no exceptions to the rules.

Oh, all right, all right.

One, two. One, two.

One and two. And one and two.

Fred and Ginger were never better.

NARRATOR: Tune in next time
for Indigestion In Space!

Yowza, yowza!
Welcome back to the dance marathon.

Our contestants are rested and relaxed
and ready to give you a great show.

Ready to give you a punch in the eye.

He's a great sport, huh, folks?
So here we go.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

It's polka time.

Oh, great. I know a terrific polka.

♪ When you want to show your love
Give your love a little shove ♪

♪ Come dance the Poke Me Polka ♪

♪ In between the fancy spins
Kick your partner in the shins ♪

♪ Come dance the Poke Me Polka ♪

♪ Don't forget, before you stop
Try a quick karate chop ♪

♪ It beats the carioca ♪

♪ Any p.m., any a.m.
Can be the merry month of mayhem ♪

♪ So dance the Poke Me Polka ♪

♪ Point your finger
Jab a little jab ♪

♪ s*ab a little s*ab ♪

♪ And grab a little grab ♪

♪ Find a spot and pinch a little flab ♪

♪ If the party's drab
Then call yourself a cab ♪

♪ Reach right out
And grab your partner's wrist ♪

♪ Give the wrist a twist
Till she says ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Stomp upon his toes
Then punch him in the nose ♪

♪ You've got the rhythm now ♪

[ALL SHOUTING]

♪ Come dance the Poke Me Polka ♪

♪ Come dance the Poke Me Polka ♪

♪ Don't forget, before you stop
Try a quick karate chop ♪

♪ It beats the carioca ♪

♪ Any p.m., any a.m
Can be the merry month of mayhem ♪

♪ So dance the Poke Me Polka ♪

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Everybody, dance.

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANS]

I hope this is over pretty soon.

-Not me.
-What?

After it's over, I promised my wife
I'd take her to the disco.

You know they say that dancing
can add years to your life?

Absolutely true.

Well, how do you know?

I'm 23 years old.

I told you, nobody on the floor
except dance contestants.

Oh, yeah? Who's your partner?

I don't think I can dance another step.

Oh. Well, during the next rest period,
why not come up to my dressing room, then.

I'll loosen your collar
and, uh, heh, put you on the couch.

Uh, did we come here to dance or to talk?

[SIREN WAILING]

Keep dancing! It is not a rest period!

That was just another ambulance arriving.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Everybody, limbo!

[LIMBO MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNIFFLING]

Uh, excuse me, Carol, the door was open,
and I just thought--

Yeah. Yeah, you bet it's open.
You bet it's open, Kermit.

Because as soon as I'm packed,
I'm going to be out that door like a sh*t.

I have never, ever been so humiliated
and embarrassed in my whole life.

How could you do this to me?

Don't take it personally. Things have
happened to other guests before.

Other guests? Other guests.

What, Julie Andrews?
She must have gone on for days and days.

♪ The hills are alive
With the sound of music ♪

No, she didn't sing that.

She sang "When You Were a Tadpole
and I Was a Fish."

Same thing.

Same thing?

I tell you, Kermit, I am leaving,
and that's it. I'm very sorry.

But you gotta stay.
I'll work out something where you can--

No, no, I'm sorry. There is nothing you
can say that will make me change my mind.

But, gee, Carol, I just did want you
to do your Asparagus sketch.

My what?

Well, I really wanted you to do
your famous Lonely Asparagus sketch.

Oh, Kermit.
Kermit, do you really mean that?

Yes.

Oh, Kermit. When?

Oh, well, soon. Right now.

I'll change.

Hey, Kermit, they need you downstairs.

Oh, okay.

Ta-da!

Hey, mister, you're in the wrong place.

They're doing the vegetable soup
commercial next door.

"Mister"? I'll have you know I am a lady.

[YELLS]

[CRASHING]

[SIREN WAILS]

Everybody, dance!

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ They're writing songs of love ♪

♪ But not for me ♪

♪ A lucky star's above ♪

♪ But not for me ♪

♪ I know that love's a game ♪

♪ I'm puzzled just the same ♪

♪ Was I the moth or flame? ♪

♪ I'm all at sea ♪

♪ It all began so well ♪

♪ But what an end ♪

♪ This is the time ♪

♪ A fella needs a friend ♪

♪ No partner at the dance ♪

♪ Has offered me romance ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Is not for me ♪

Say, there's no room to dance up here.

Sure there is. Do the box-trot.

[SIREN WAILS]

GONZO:
Rest period!

Woo-hoo! Kermit!

Okay, okay. Now? Huh? Now?

Uh, well, yeah, well, now what, Carol?

Now. Now it's time
for my Lonely Asparagus sketch.

Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah. Well, as soon
as the dance marathon is over.

This is only a rest period.

Well, when will the marathon be over?

As soon as everybody collapses
on the floor and can't move.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

How do you expect that to happen
if you keep giving them rest periods?

Okay, everybody, let's disco.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, come on, the rest period is over.
Rest period is over.

Time for you to dance
those little tootsies off,

because you wanna win, don't you?

Yes, of course you do. Here we go. Good.

♪ You got me rolling
Like a wheel on a road ♪

♪ Turning round and round
Nowhere to go ♪

♪ I gotta find out
If you're feeling it too ♪

♪ It's hard to tell
So here's what I'll do ♪

♪ And every time I want more ♪

♪ I'll take you out on the floor ♪

♪ I was made for dancing ♪

That's it.

♪ A-A-A-All night long ♪

♪ I was made for dancing ♪

Faster. You can go faster.

♪ All, all, all, all night long ♪

That's it. No, you can go faster.

Because if you go faster,
you see, you're liable to win. Good.

Now you can go faster. That's right.
You can dance now more easily.

Good. We're watching you.

Come on, you little darlings.
You're so young, you shouldn't be tired.

You can go faster.
Yeah, that's right, just speed it up.

Oh, good, good, good. Yeah.

Faster, faster, faster, faster.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

♪ I was made for dancing ♪

Come on.

♪ All, all, all, all night long ♪

♪ I was made for dancing ♪

Go.

♪ All, all, all, all night long ♪

♪ I was made for dancing ♪

♪ All, all, all, all night long ♪

♪ I was made for dancing ♪

♪ All, all, all, all night long ♪

You can go faster.

♪ I was made for dancing ♪

Go.

♪ All, all, all, all night long ♪

♪ I was made for dancing ♪

Go. Faster. Come on.

Go.

♪ I was made for dancing ♪

Go!

♪ All, all, all, all night long ♪

Go till you drop.

♪ Long ♪

♪ All, all, all, all night long ♪

All right! This is the winning couple.

Now, on to the Lonely Asparagus sketch.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you so much.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Well, we've danced our troubles away.
Maybe.

But before we go,
let us thank our wonderful guest star,

ladies and gentlemen, the queen of comedy,
Carol Burnett! Yay!

Thank you so much, but hey, woo-hoo!
Hold it.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Now it's time
for my Lonely Asparagus sketch.

Wait! First we have to award the prize
to the winning dancers.

Uh, actually, I'll take the prize.

These winners are really robots
I invented in Muppet Labs.

Robots? It's against the rules.
No prize will be given.

[DANCERS SHOUTING]

Get him! Get him!

Kermit, I don't care about all this.
When do I get to do my sketch?

I'm sorry,
but we're out of time right now.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

Out of time?!
What do you mean out of time?

You promised me
that I could do the sketch!

I was on my way out the door!

Look at me. You gave me your word.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Oh, what a sad and lonely asparagus am I.

Most of my hollandaise are behind me.

BURNETT:
Oh, rats.