05x06 - Brooke Shields

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, who are you?

Paul Simon.
I'm the guest on the show tonight.

Oh, Paul Simon. Great. Yeah, great.

-What you working on there?
-Oh, it's a lever.

Supposed to work
the trap door, but it's busted.

It's busted, huh?

Seems all right to me.

[YELLS]

I love it. But of course...

I know 50 ways to love your lever.

It's The Muppet Show,
with our very special guest star,

Paul Simon! Yeah!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch the show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[MAKES DUCK CALLING SOUND]

Kissy-kissy!

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

And we have a wonderful show
for you tonight

because our guest star is one of America's
great composers, Mr. Paul Simon.

Yes. So sit back and enjoy yourselves

as we proudly present an entire evening
devoted to the music of Paul Simon.

[LAUGHING]

[SHOUTS]

Come on, you. Come on.

Pies.

Pies?

[CLUCKING]

Hot mead, cold cider.

♪ Are you going to Scarborough Fair? ♪

♪ Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme ♪

♪ Remember me to one who lives there ♪

♪ She once was a true love of mine ♪

Ha, ha.

♪ Tell her to make me a cambric shirt ♪

♪ Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme ♪

♪ Without no seam nor needlework ♪

♪ Then she'll be a true love of mine ♪

♪ Tell her to find me an acre of land ♪

♪ Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme ♪

♪ Between the saltwater
And the sea strands ♪

♪ Then she'll be a true love of mine ♪

Show me your life line.

Sing fast.

♪ Tell her to reap it
In a sickle of leather ♪

♪ Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme ♪

♪ And to gather it all
In a bunch of heather ♪

[QUACKING]

♪ Then she'll be a true love of mine ♪

FOZZIE:
Oh, yea, oh, yea, oh, yea!

Oh, yea, oh, yea!
Simple Simon met a pieman.

"Going to the fair"
said Simple Simon to the pieman.

Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.

To go where?

Well, here.

♪ Are you going to Scarborough Fair? ♪

What is this? What happened?

Get your red-hot parsley, sage,
rosemary and thyme!

Hold it, hold it.
This is the Sheriff of Nottingham here,

and you're under arrest
for playing a lute without a license.

Come along!

Remember me to...

♪ She once was a true love of his ♪

[ALL LAUGHING]

Nice song.

Yes. What did you think of the fair?

I've seen better fares on the bus.

Okay. Nice opening number.

Yeah. It was delicious. Mm.

Uh, guy on the stilts,
mind your head on that--

Oh! Aah!

--on that floor.

Oh, Kermit, that Paul Simon is fantastic.

He's really the kind of performer
I'd like to be.

Well, he comes from a different area
of show business.

He's so entertaining.

Exactly.

Listen. From now on,
I am going to be a songwriter.

You write songs?

Yeah. You wanna hear one?

No.

Hit it, boys!

[BRASS BAND PLAYING]

Who's playing that music?

♪ For you-- ♪

Stop! Stop! I don't want to hear
any more of that!

But...

Eh, pearls before frogs.

[GROWLS]

♪ The problem is all inside your head
She said to me ♪

♪ The answer is easy
If you take it logically ♪

♪ I'm here to help you in your struggling
To be free ♪

♪ There must be
Fifty ways to leave your lover ♪

♪ Fifty ways to leave your lover ♪

♪ Just slip out the back, Jack ♪

♪ Make a new plan, Stan ♪

♪ You don't need to be coy, Roy ♪

♪ Just listen to me ♪

For sure.

♪ Hop on the bus, Gus ♪

♪ You don't need to discuss much ♪

♪ Just drop off the key, Lee ♪

♪ And get yourself free ♪

Hey, are you sure it isn't
"50 Ways to Love Your Lever"?

Positive.

Oh. Sorry, Paul!

♪ She said it's really not my habit
To intrude ♪

♪ Furthermore, I hope my meaning
Won't be lost or misconstrued ♪

♪ But I'll repeat myself
At the risk of being crude ♪

♪ There must be
Fifty ways to leave your lover ♪

♪ Fifty ways to leave your lover ♪

♪ You just slip out the back, Jack ♪

♪ Make a new plan, Stan ♪

♪ You don't need to be coy, Roy ♪

♪ Just listen to me ♪

♪ Roy ♪

♪ Hop on the bus, Gus ♪

♪ You don't need to discuss much ♪

♪ Just drop off the key, Lee ♪

♪ And get yourself free ♪

♪ And get yourself free ♪

♪ And get yourself free ♪

♪ And get yourself free
Yeah ♪

You know, Paul, when I found out
you were doing your music on this show,

I told Kermit that we should do that song
of yours, "It's Been a Long, Long Day."

Oh, gee, Pops, that's nice of you to say.

But we didn't plan on doing that song.
It's not on the schedule.

Aw, too bad. It's a beautiful song.

Well, thanks.

Of course, I never did care much
for schedules.

Do you?

♪ It's been a long, long day ♪

♪ I got some run-down shoes ♪

♪ Ain't got no place to stay ♪

♪ But any old place will be okay ♪

♪ It's been a long, long day ♪

♪ Goodnight ♪

♪ Goodnight, my love ♪

♪ I sure been on this road ♪

♪ For nearly 14 years ♪

♪ Can't say my name's well known ♪

♪ You don't see my face in Rolling Stone ♪

♪ But I sure been on this road ♪

♪ Goodnight ♪

♪ Goodnight ♪

♪ Oh, my love ♪

♪ Slow motion ♪

♪ Half a dollar bill ♪

♪ Jukebox in the corner
sh**ting to k*ll ♪

♪ And it's been a ♪

♪ It's been a long, long day ♪

♪ I sure could use a friend ♪

♪ Don't know what else to say ♪

♪ I hate to abuse an old cliché ♪

♪ But it's been a long ♪

♪ Long day ♪

♪ It's been a long, long day ♪

NARRATOR: Time once again
for Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

Dr. Bob, oh, you don't look well.
Are you all right?

I'm still in shock from what happened
to my last patient.

But you cured him.

You don't think that was a shock?

Well, here's the next one.

Shock or patient?

Both.

[ALL SHRIEK]

There's nothing wrong with me.
I just came here for laughs.

Boy, are you in the wrong place.

For sure.

As long as I'm here,
I want to donate my body to science.

With your body,
you should donate it to science fiction!

To donate your body,
don't you have to be dead?

Who cares? I believe in reincarnation.

What are you coming back as next time?

How should I know?
I don't even know what I am this time.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

That's our announcer.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:

Dr. Bob, are you going to operate?

Yes, I'm going to remove one of the
patient's vital organs a great many times,

whilst mentioning a Paul Simon song.

Terrific! What's it called?

"Fifty Ways to Leave Your Liver"!

Ugh. It's freezing in here!

Hey, Waldorf! When you come back,
bring me my coat!

WALDORF:
What?

Bring me my coat!

Okay, come on, come on.

[BLEATING]

Your hearing aid's busted again.

What?

NEWSMAN:
Here is a Muppet News Flash.

Police today announced a total amnesty
on all overdue library books.

Library fines will be forgiven
on all overdue books

returned to this station
within the next three seconds.

Three seconds? That must be a misprint.

[YELLS]

Am I interrupting anything?

Hey, Gonzo. Come on in.

Thank you.

-Can I tell you something?
-Sure.

You are my favorite Muppet.

Wow. Thank you, Paul.

Uh, is it okay if I call you Paul?

Oh, yeah, sure.

And you can call me "Gonzo the Great."

Well, that's enough about me.

Which one of my songs do you want to hear?

Which one of your songs?

You don't think I'm musically educated?

Oh, I think you're musically educated.

-It's just that--
-Good. Hand me that clarinet.

Gonzo, you know, this clarinet
is my very favorite clarinet.

I really prefer that no one else
actually play it besides myself.

But I'll guard it with my life.

[SIGHS]

I feared you would say that.

Okay, I'll tell you what.
You play and I'll sing. Hit it.

Good.

♪ For you ♪

♪ I'd wash my hair with stinky glue
I'd fry my legs and eat them too ♪

♪ I'd put a spider in my shoe, for you ♪

That's just the first verse.
Want to hear the other 28?

I'm still thinking about that first verse.

Yeah, what about it?
Tell me. I'm willing to listen.

Well, you know the part
about the stinky glue?

Fantástico!

[LAUGHS]

I wouldn't have written it that way.

And then also that part about,
"I'd fry my legs and eat them too."

You don't like the leg-frying motif?

I think it's sick.

If you're gonna get picky
about minor technicalities...

It's just my opinion.

Oh, yeah?
And do they call you "Simon the Great"?

No.

Yeah. I stayed up all night
writing the leg-frying motif.

I'll tell you what. Uh...

I promise you, I'll never play this, um,
instrument again,

unless I'm playing one of your songs.

Wow! You really mean that?

Absolutely. A promise is a promise.

Okay. Next on-stage, Gonzo the Great.

Check! Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi.

Gonzo, you're not gonna sing, are you?

Never mind. Just introduce me.

Why don't you do that act you rehearsed?

What? Perform an underwater
heart transplant operation on myself?

Sure. Why not?

I don't know. Last time I did it, I d*ed.

Listen, Gonzo, I'm telling you flatly,
you can't sing.

Oh, I can sing flatly.

Not on this show. The only songs
we're doing here are Paul Simon songs.

Well, fine, I'll do a Paul Simon song.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Okay, I'll introduce you.
-Good.

Or sort of a Paul Simon song.

[YELLS]

Wow. Nice work, kid.

[YELLS]

Okay. We've done a lot
for the music lovers on the show,

so it's time we did something
for the music haters.

So here he is, as threatened,
The Great Gonzo, singing a song. Yay.

Those of you with hearing aids
may wish to remove the batteries.

♪ I'd rather be a pancake than a sneeze ♪

[CHICKENS CLUCKING IN RHYTHM]

♪ In the trees
A life of ease ♪

♪ I'd rather be an elbow than a drain ♪

♪ In the rain
It's very plain ♪

PAUL:
Hey, Gonzo!

You got the melody right,
but I think those are the wrong words.

You write 'em your way,
I'll write 'em mine!

♪ I'd rather be a mushroom
Than a phone... ♪

If he's gonna do this to one of my tunes,
I can fight back.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna take the chickens.

Hey, girls! There's a party
over at my place! Come on over!

[CLUCKING]

Oh, no! You can't do this to me!
Camilla, this is treason!

-Know what kind of party Paul's having?
-No.

A hen party!

[MIMICKING CHICKENS CLUCKING]

Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite
Paul Simon songs, "Baby Driver,"

as performed by Bobby Benson
and the all-baby band,

poses the musical question:

"Is it a good idea to let
a 12-month-old baby drive

on the freeway while playing the ukulele?"

Uh, well, the answer is, no, it isn't,
and I'm getting out of here.

♪ They call me baby driver ♪

♪ And once upon a pair of wheels
I hit the road and I'm gone ♪

♪ What's my number?
I wonder how your engine feels ♪

♪ La-la, la-la ♪

♪ Scoot down the road ♪

♪ What's my number?
I wonder how your engine feels ♪

[DOG BARKING]

♪ They call me baby driver ♪

♪ And once upon a pair of wheels ♪

♪ I hit the road and I'm gone ♪

They should do something
about those baby drivers.

Yeah. You think they should be booked?

No, burped!

Okay. Good number, guys.

I know, I know.

Hey, catch!

[YELLS]

Oh, Gonzo, I heard about Paul Simon taking
your chickens. I'm sorry about that.

Oh, not to worry, Kermit.

Chickens are much too fickle,
so I'm developing a new obsession.

Really? What could possibly replace
chickens in your life?

Hold on to your collar.

Asparagus!

Asparagus?

Yes. Your average asparagus is much
more loyal than even the finest chicken.

Uh, okay,
but what are these eggs here for?

These are asparagus eggs.

Gonzo, asparagus is a plant!
It doesn't come from eggs!

What? I've been bamboozled!

[YELLS]

Poor Gonzo.

Dada! Dada!

And now, ladies and gentlemen--

[ASPARAGUS SHOUTING]

Get off, get off, get off!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon!

♪ When I was a little boy ♪

♪ When I was just a boy ♪

♪ And the devil called my name ♪

♪ When I was just a boy ♪

♪ Well, I'd say, "Who do...?" ♪

♪ Said "Who do you think
You're fooling?" ♪

♪ When I was just a boy ♪

♪ I'm a consecrated boy ♪

♪ When I was just a boy ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Ooh ♪
-♪ I'm a singer in the Sunday choir ♪

♪ My mama loves me ♪

♪ She loves me ♪

♪ She get down on her knees
And she hugged me ♪

♪ She just loves me like a rock ♪

♪ She rocks me like the rock of ages
And she loves me ♪

♪ She love me, love me, love me ♪

♪ When I was grown to be a man ♪

♪ Grown to be a man ♪

♪ And the devil called my name ♪

♪ Grown to be a man ♪

-♪ Well, I'd say, "Who do...?" ♪
-♪ Who ♪

♪ Say, "Who do you think
You're fooling?" ♪

♪ Grown to be a man ♪

♪ I'm a consummated man ♪

♪ Grown to be a man ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪
-♪ I can snatch a little purity ♪

♪ My mama loves me
She loves me ♪

♪ She get down on her knees
And she hugged me ♪

♪ She just loves me like a rock ♪

♪ She rocks me like the rock of ages
And she loves me ♪

♪ Love me, love me, love me ♪

♪ If I was the president ♪

♪ Was the president ♪

♪ The minute the congress call my name ♪

♪ Was the president ♪

-♪ Well, I would say, "Who do...?" ♪
-♪ Who ♪

♪ Say, "Who do you think
You're fooling?" ♪

♪ Who do you think you're fooling? ♪

-♪ I've got the presidential seal ♪
-♪ Was the president ♪

♪ I'm up on the presidential podium ♪

♪ My mama still loves me
She loves me ♪

♪ She get down on her knees
And she hugged me ♪

♪ She just loves me like a rock ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ She rocks me like the rock of ages
And she loves me ♪

♪ Loves me like a rock ♪

♪ Loves me like a rock ♪

Honey, you lied
when you said you loved me,

and I was a fool to care.

But I'd rather go on believing your lies
than living without you.

♪ Loves me like a rock of ages ♪

♪ Loves me like a rock ♪

♪ Loves me like a rock ♪

♪ Loves me like a rock of ages ♪

-♪ Loves me like a rock, yeah ♪
-♪ Loves me like a rock ♪

♪ Loves me like a rock ♪

♪ Loves me like the rock of ages ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love ♪

Okay, you know, I hate long goodbyes,

but for those of you who like them,
goodbye!

And before we go, let us bring back
our fantastic guest star,

ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon! Yay!

Thank you very much.

-And thank you, Kermit.

-I had a wonderful time.
-Oh, good.

[CLUCKING]

I hate to say this, Paul,
but you look a little hen-pecked.

That's okay.
I know how to take care of this.

Really? How?

Five chicken dinners to go!

And a side order of asparagus.

That's all the time we have.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Hey, you old fool!
You slept through the show!

Who's a fool? You watched it!