05x07 - Glenda Jackson

[bunniefuu]

[SNORING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Huh? Wha...?

Ah! Who are you?

Uh, Joan Baez.

Oh, yeah, the famous folk singer.

-Well, that's a change.
-Oh?

Yeah, we've had singing rats,
flowers, penguins, horses, pigs.

About time they had some folks.

Well, at least you're unbiased
around here.

Yeah. Until you came, we were un-Baezed.

Stay with us, folks.

The show can't get much worse than this.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Joan Baez.

Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

-♪ To have to watch the show ♪
-♪To have to watch the show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[BLOWS]

Oh, rats.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you. Hi there
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

And it's gonna be a terrific show tonight
because our special guest

is that sensational recording star
and folk singer, Miss Joan Baez.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Yes. But first, here is a talented group
of folk singers--

Well, actually, they aren't that talented.

And come to think of it,
they aren't even folks.

But anyway, here they are,
ladies and gentlemen! Yeah!

♪ Let us put man and gopher together ♪

♪ To see which one is smarter ♪

♪ Some say man ♪

♪ But I say no ♪

♪ 'Cause gopher beats the man
Win place and show ♪

♪ Ain't me ♪

♪ It's the people that say ♪

♪ Man's the one that we gotta obey ♪

♪ But I say ♪

♪ It's the gophers today ♪

♪ Smarter than the man in every way ♪

♪ That's right
The gophers are smarter ♪

♪ That's right
The gophers are smarter ♪

♪ That's right
The gophers are smarter ♪

♪ Smarter than the man in every way ♪

♪ A little rat
He sat down and he cried ♪

♪ A raccoon passed and asked him why ♪

♪ 'Cause the sky's supposed to be
Clean and blue ♪

♪ Raccoon sat down and he cried too ♪

♪ Ain't me ♪

♪ It's the people that say ♪

♪ Man's the one that we gotta obey ♪

♪ But I say ♪

♪ It's the rats today ♪

♪ Smarter than the man in every way ♪

♪ That's right
The rats are smarter ♪

♪ That's right
The rats are smarter ♪

♪ That's right
The rats are smarter ♪

♪ Smarter than the man in every way ♪

♪ Ain't me ♪

♪ It's the people that say ♪

♪ Man's the one that we gotta obey ♪

♪ But I say ♪

♪ It's the critters today ♪

♪ Smarter than the man in every way ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ Raccoons are smarter ♪

-♪ That's right ♪
-♪ The foxes are smarter ♪

♪ That's right
The weasels are smarter ♪

♪ Smarter than the man in every way ♪

-♪ The deer ♪
-♪ And the bear are ♪

♪ Smarter ♪

-♪ Muskrat ♪
-♪ Skunks are ♪

♪ Smarter ♪

-♪ The beaver ♪
-♪ And the snakes are ♪

♪ Smarter ♪

♪ Smarter than the man in every way ♪

[ALL SHOUTING AND CHEERING]

♪ Smarter than the man ♪

♪ In every way ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

How can they say
they're smarter than we are?

Did they pay money to hear us sing?

♪ But I say ♪

♪ It's the critters today ♪

♪ Smarter than the man in every way ♪

Okay, good number, guys,
but did you have to blow up the factory?

Are you kidding?
Did you smell the pollution?

The skunks are complaining
about air pollution?

Arriba! Arriba!

[LAUGHING]

Will you get out of here, rat?

Uh-uh. Not until you let me do
my famous Mexican Rat Dance.

[RATS LAUGHING]

-Uh, Beauregard. Beauregard!
-Beauregard! Beauregard!

-Ah. You called?
-What were you doing down there?

I was having four winks.

You mean forty winks.

I don't know. I was asleep.

Kermit, Kermit.
I had a dream, and it was so real.

What does it mean when you dream
people are walking on your head?

It means you're sleeping on the floor.

Rats! Listen, Beauregard.
I gotta introduce Joan Baez.

Uh, would you just
take care of these rats?

-Oh.
-Oh...

Well, okay, rats,
I'm supposed to take care of you.

Now, what would you like?

Food.

And bicarbonate of soda.

-And more food.
-Yeah, more food, yeah.

Okay, and new here she is,

a living legend
and a real nice lady as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joan Baez.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Yellow brown and black and white
Our father bless us all tonight ♪

♪ I bowed my head at the football games ♪

♪ And closed the prayer in Jesus' name ♪

♪ Lusted after football heroes ♪

♪ Tough Pachuco, little Neroes ♪

♪ Forfeiting my A's for zeroes ♪

♪ Futures unforeseen ♪

♪ Spending all my energy ♪

♪ In keeping my virginity ♪

♪ And living in a fantasy ♪

♪ In love with Jimmy Dean ♪

♪ If you will be my king, Jimmy, Jimmy ♪

♪ I will be your queen ♪

♪ I look around and I wonder ♪

♪ How the years and I survived ♪

♪ But I had a mother who sang to me ♪

♪ An honest lullaby ♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Now look at you ♪

♪ You must be growing
A quarter of an inch a day ♪

♪ You've already lived
Near half the years ♪

♪ You'll be when you go away ♪

♪ With your teddy bears and alligators ♪

♪ Enterprise communicators ♪

♪ All the tiny aviators
Head into the sky ♪

♪ And while the others play with you ♪

♪ I hope to find a way with you ♪

♪ And sometimes spend a day with you ♪

♪ I'll catch you as you fly ♪

♪ Or if I'm worth a mother's salt ♪

♪ I'll wave as you go by ♪

♪ As you look around and you wonder ♪

♪ How the years and you'll survive ♪

♪ Honey, you've got a mother
Who sings to you ♪

♪ Dances on the strings for you ♪

♪ Opens her heart and brings to you ♪

♪ An honest lullaby ♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Yai, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Yai, ay, ay ♪

♪ Yai ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I think honesty's always the best policy.

-You believe that?
-No, I was lying.

Okay, pull. Harder.

-Come on.
-Hey, forget it, guys

-We'll never get this refrigerator open.
-Yeah.

-Hey, can it, guys, Here comes Einstein.
-Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I hope you rats are making yourselves
at home in my little storing room.

Oh, yes. You're a real friend of the rats.

-I am?
-Oh, yeah.

In fact, uh, you're one of us.

-I'm a rat?
-Oh, even better than that.

We've elected you president.

-Me? President?
-Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

And your first duty as president

is to declare this refrigerator
officially open.

-Right.
-Okay.

I declare this refrigerator is open.

[RATS CHEERING]

Boy, this president job is fun.

Yay!

Hey, Joan, besides the songs
we have planned for you,

is there anything else you'd like to do
on the show tonight?

I do imitations.

Really? Who do you do?

Oh, I do a pretty good Marlon Brando
as the Godfather.

-You're kidding.
-No, I'm not kidding.

-Wanna see it?
-Oh, please.

-It takes a moment's preparation.
-Okay.

Uh, Joan? Joan, Joan, Joan.

I had-- Excuse me, Kermit.

Joan, I had to come in and tell you
how much I admire your work.

Not only as a singer, but as a woman.

[MIMICKING GODFATHER] Miss Piggy...

I'm prepared to make you an offer
you can't refuse.

And all that I require
is a little respect from time to time.

You know what I mean?

Uh, must have the wrong dressing room.

Wow. You know, I've never seen anybody
handle Miss Piggy like that.

Uh, would you consider
a lifetime contract?

If it's a contract you're looking for,
Kermit,

you've come to the right place

NARRATOR [ECHOING]:
And now, Pigs in Space!

When we last saw the spaceship Swinetrek,

Dr. Strangepork was just outside the door
waiting for his cue.

Cue!

Oh, Link, Link.

Emergency. Emergency.

I just found out there's a rat aboard.

[GASPS]

A rat! A rat!

A rat?

Well, better not tell First Mate Piggy.

Oh, with any luck, she'll never know.

I set a trap in the refrigerator and--

[PIGGY SCREAMS]

BOTH:
Uh-oh.

All right, who's the wise guy?

Who's the wise guy?

Dr. Strangepork,
you said it was a rat trap.

It looks more like a fat trap.

-Cool it!
-Uh-oh.

[PIGGY GRUNTING]

Oh. No!

-Aah!
-Aah! A rat!

A rat! A rat! A rat! A rat!

Rat! Rat! Rat!

Rat, you can't stay here, rat.

But I wanna join your crew.

Join our crew?

-Why, you could never join our crew.
-Why not?

Well, you'd have to pass
an intelligence test.

Did pass he it?

Yes.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Huh?

Listen, rat, you could never be
in the crew of Pigs in Space.

Why not?

Well, you're too short.

Why didn't you just say he wasn't a pig?

Well, I didn't wanna hurt his feelings.

Hey, wait a minute, you guys.

I can do anything that a pig can do.

Oh, yeah?

Sure, I can say "oink, oink."

I can wallow in the mud.

-What?
-I can eat garbage.

-Hold it, hold it!
-What?

You just blew it, shorty.

[RAT SHOUTS]

RAT: Help!
-Right you are, First Mate Piggy.

-Get them, guys! Get them!
-Oh, more rats! More rats!

Rats!

More rats! More rats!

[BIRD SINGING]

♪ Blackbird singing in the dead of night ♪

♪ Take these broken wings
And learn to fly ♪

♪ All your life ♪

♪ You were only waiting
For this moment to arise ♪

♪ Blackbird singing in the dead of night ♪

♪ Take these sunken eyes
And learn to see ♪

♪ All your life ♪

♪ You were only waiting
For this moment to be free ♪

♪ Blackbird fly ♪

♪ Blackbird fly ♪

♪ Into the light of the dark black night ♪

♪ Blackbird fly ♪

♪ Blackbird fly ♪

♪ Into the light of the dark black night ♪

♪ Blackbird singing in the dead of night ♪

♪ Take these broken wings
And learn to fly ♪

♪ All your life ♪

♪ You were only waiting
For this moment to arise ♪

♪ You were only waiting
For this moment to arise ♪

♪ You were only waiting for this moment ♪

♪ To arise ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Virgil Caine is my name ♪

♪ And I drove on the Danville train ♪

♪ 'Til Stonewall's cavalry came
And tore up the tracks again ♪

♪ In the winter of '65 ♪

♪ We were hungry, just barely alive ♪

♪ I took a train to Richmond that fell ♪

♪ It was a time ♪

♪ I remember, oh, so well ♪

♪ The night they drove old Dixie down ♪

♪ And all the bells
Were ringin' the night ♪

♪ They drove old Dixie down ♪

♪ And all the people were singin'
They went ♪

♪ "Na, na-na-na-na, na ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na" ♪

RAT: For crying out loud,
will you knock it off?

Cut the noise!

-Come on, guys.
-Yeah, come on.

-Come on.
-Yeah.

Joan. Joan, we got
an important question for you.

-Yeah.
-I take it you don't like singing?

Singing shminging, this is important.

You wanna be an honorary rat?

Do I have a choice?

It'll come in handy to be a rat
when we take over.

Yeah, right on.

Right on.

Hope you guys aren't planning
anything violent

Today The Muppet Show, tomorrow the world.

-The world!
-Yeah.

I think you guys
could probably learn a lot

from the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi.

-Who?
-Mahatma-wha--?

Gandhi.
He wrote a whole book on nonviolence.

I had it around here. It was-- Oh, yeah.

-Can I have that?
-No!

-Hit her! Hit her! Hit her!
-No! No! No!

[IN INDIAN ACCENT] Well, that's what
happens when you take Gandhi from a baby.

Okay. And now it's comedy time
with our own Fozzie Bear.

Tonight, the bear has decided
it might help his monologue

if he did it on his own home turf.

So here he is, out in the backwoods,
ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear!

Hiya, hiya, hiya.

This is Fozzie Bear out in the open air
with funny jokes to spare.

So laugh, don't stare.

[LAUGHS THEN BIRD CUCKOOS]

Uh, but seriously,
I love working in the woods.

Yeah, that's because I know all the trees.

You see, there's the cedars
and, uh, those are the pines, and--

Oh, these are the funny trees.

The funny trees, you ask? Yes.

These are the oaks, folks.

Oaks, see, it's where...

Oh. Here's my friend the weasel, yeah.

You know, he's the one who tells me
when it's time to quit work.

You know why?

He's the five o'clock weasel.

Ha, ha. You see, it's whistle...

These are the oaks, folks. Ha-ha-ha.

Okay. But I feel right at home
in the woods here, yeah.

I was born a stone's throw away from here.

Yeah, in fact, my mother still lives here.

[YELLS]

Thanks a lot, Mom.

I get the hint,
but I'll quit when it's time.

What do you want, weasel?

[YELLS]

You dumb weasel. It wasn't even 5:00. Oh!

-Oh, Beauregard.
-Yes?

-Did you take care of those rats?
-Yup.

I just brought their chicken dinners in.

Beauregard,
I want them out of this theater.

But I can't do that. They're my people.

I don't care whose people they are.

They made me president.

Beauregard, they make me angry!

Let my people stay!

Beauregard, they are rats.

They are rats, Beauregard.

Now, listen. You're gonna have to choose.

Either they go...

But they're my friends.

...or you're going to go with them.

[GASPS]

But...

Goodbye.

[SNIFFLING]

Poor Beau.

It was a command decision.

-Uh, the buck stops here.
-You're right. You gotta be tough.

-Was I too tough on him?
-I don't know.

[BEAUREGARD SOBS THEN PIGGY SHRIEKS]

Oh! Ah.

Beau, I thought you were a rat.

Well, I'm not just any rat.

I'm their president.

The what--?

Beau, that's my photo.

I know.

I'm taking it with me.

When I leave! [SOBBING]

Oh, wait, wait, Beau. Beau.

Oh, the only friends I have
are you and the rats.

Terrific.

Beau, Beau, Beau, dear, look at me.

-Beau.
-What?

The rats are not your friends.

-Not my friends?
-No, Beau, Beau.

They made you president
so they could get food.

-What?
-Yes.

Wait'll I see those lousy rats.

That's it, Beau. Where are they?

Where else?

All right, everybody out!

-That's right. This is not a restaurant.
-No.

-It's a theater.
-Theater.

Yes, we entertain here.

-We spread happiness.
-Happiness.

Well, after you entertain
and spread happiness, do you get to eat?

Well, I guess so. Yeah.

You got it. Come on, guys.

-Where are they going, Beau?
-I don't know.

I quit my job as president.

-Ah. Final number.
-All right. Uh, final number.

Everybody on stage
for the final number, please.

RAT: Mr. Kermit.
-Hm?

Oh, please, Mr. Kermit.
We're sorry we haven't done our share

-of entertaining and spreading happiness.
-Yeah.

Please let us join
your family of artistes.

-Artistes.
-Yeah.

Please. Oh, we could spread happiness
to b*at the band.

Yeah, b*at the band.

-Well...
-Oh, please. Please?

-Please.
-Please.

-Please? Please.
-Come on.

Kermit.

What's all the excitement?

Uh, well, the rats here wanna join
our happy little family.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you got cows, you got pigs,
you got chickens.

Why not rats?

Well, okay, guys, you're in.

Hooray!

Great.

♪ There's a tie that binds all creatures ♪

♪ That is like a silver strand ♪

♪ And it crosses every ocean ♪

♪ And it reaches every land ♪

♪ Will the circle be unbroken? ♪

♪ By and by, Lord, by and by ♪

♪ There's a better life awaiting ♪

♪ If we try, Lord, if we try ♪

♪ And the circle will be endless ♪

♪ As we travel hand in hand ♪

♪ We'll become one family circle ♪

♪ In a peaceful promised land ♪

♪ Will the circle be unbroken? ♪

♪ By and by, Lord, by and by ♪

♪ There's a better life awaiting ♪

♪ If we try, Lord, if we try ♪

♪ Will the circle be unbroken? ♪

♪ By and by, Lord, by and by ♪

♪ There's a better life awaiting ♪

♪ If we try, Lord, if we try ♪

♪ If we try, Lord ♪

♪ If we ♪

♪ Try ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay.
As this show sinks slowly into the West,

we come to the end of another one.

But before we go, let us say thank you
to a wonderful guest star,

ladies and gentlemen, Joan Baez! Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Kermit.

Kermit, you know, if I were you,
I'd keep a very close watch on those rats.

Oh, well, actually, those rats,
they're nice guys.

Maybe. But not so long ago,
they were really planning on taking over.

Oh, the rats could never take over.

[RATS SHOUTING]

Rats. Wait, wait, wait...

That's all for now. We'll see you
next time on The Muppet Show. Yay!

Oh, yeah.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

[SQUEAKING AND MUMBLING]